Even though the People’s Choice Awards are basically just a big slobberfest for CBS and not worthy of a watch…I still wanted to judge the looks. Shouts to JT for showing up and allowing me to unmute my TV for a mere 2 minutes this entire awards show. And Blake Lively for declaring via acceptance speech that Ryan Reynolds is hers and no one else can have him. Preach, girl.
WORST
Did impeccable Danny Tanner pick out a suit coat and pants that don’t match?
Not only is this cropped pinstripe look real weird, but so is his jazzy feet pose.
I know for a fact that Lori Loughlin has a bangin bod and it’s a disservice to cover it with a literal curtain.
Meh, CCB can do better.
WHAT is this. Is it pants? Is it a dress? Why are her boobs a different color and fabric? SO many questions, so little time.
Even though they lost their star member, Fifth Harmony is still sticking with the “we all wear scraps of fabric the same color and look like trash” for every red carpet. Don’t eva change.
I guess it’s fitting because her breakout role was in an orange jumpsuit but c’mon.
This dress sucks. Since I feel bad being so rough on Jenny from the Block, I’ll toss in there that when she won her award and cried and acted like it was an Oscar instead of something people voted for on Facebook, her pony looked sleek as hell.
A dress equivalent to the beaded seat cover of the 70’s.
WHY TOBY?! WHY.
BEST
Host looking sharp AF.
I think I’m obsessed with this look. Like, might be my favorite of the night if Blake Lively didn’t show up and steal my heart.
The choker seals the deal here and that’s obvious.
No clue who this is but I’m all in on this outfit. Also proves that I’m not a pants h8er when done right.
Daayyummnn with the leather dress.
Fun & SaSsY.
The red buttons with the red flash on the belt, I see you, Wilmer.
This is pretty scandalous with that sky high slit but CBS needed a little near cooch slip.
Fresh off his Greek vacay, Uncle J can do no wrong.
Tommy Fre$h!
.
I love this more just because of the swish factor.
Welcome to this year’s Golden Globe Awards, where the sponsor was double stick tape. This time I decided to change things up (#newyearnewme) by actually showering on a Sunday. It made me feel a LITTLE better to judge others from my couch with clean hair for once. Also went back to the gym and rocked a killer return-to-the-gym workout outfit. Both of these random brags about my life were specifically included to show you JUST how qualified I am to be forcing my fashion opinions down your throat.
Sweet lab coat with a rosary hanging off it, Pharell. The black beanie really polishes off the look.
I actually love this dress but I’m so over her hair being this short.
Pantsuit.
Last one was a pantsuit and this is a poop suit. Also, velvet, really?
Love this dress, hate the hair.
This is the Golden Globes, Jonah. Leave your kicks for the VMA’s.
I get that Keri’s just trying to jump on the choker trend but pairing it with a Cheetah dress was really pushing it to Jersey Shore status.
Are these pants? Is there supposed to be a split down the middle? It looks like she ripped her dress on a tree branch or something.
Connie, GIRL, what is this?! One side tank, one side tee? Her left pit probably just gets extra sweaty.
Can appreciate her going for the boobs out trend, this dress sucks though. It looks like something Kacey Musgraves would wear and that is NOT a compliment.
No. Just no.
It’s clear that I’m just hating the should cut outs of the night but also milkmaid braids on top of this made it 1 billion times worse.
I’m a strong defender of the opinion that if Carrie’s legs aren’t showing, her look is garbage. Not only is she fully covered but the top is a disaster. People of twitter were comparing it to a vagina. Yikes.
You know what would look really trendy? If we sewed a bird onto a dress amongst a bunch of chunky flowers.
This is a bridesmaids dress from hell.
Sienna Miller comin in hot looking like Wilma Flintstone.
The skirt part is ok, the top and closing the deal with a bedazzled bow really turned it all to shit.
Never a good idea for a white guy to wear a white tux.
I stared at this picture thinking she was wearing white tights on her arms and then laughed for like 10 minutes. So that’s where we’re at.
Do infinity times less.
Equivalent to taking a bed sheet and tossing a belt around it, toga party style.
Peplum AND a collar=barf.com
I don’t mean to keep hating on the ladies who chose pants but I didn’t like any of these looks. Not even a leather bralette could sway me.
BEST
Even though she’s essentially the same color as the dress, Emma’s obviously killing it otherwise.
Um, hi you’re the perfect couple.
This dress is a little scandalous but not quite as bad as half of Hollywood going nips out so I dig it.
This is fun and simple and it kind of looks like she’s wearing a tiara, which is a boss move.
Cuba may have sucked as OJ but this jacket is where it’s at.
The guy who does drugs and goes to Disney World cleans up real well.
It’s like a painting of perfection.
I love the shit out of this and then there’s just like one stripe of fabric on her hip adorned with pins that makes no sense.
Busy’s dress kinda sucks but Michelle is giving me all sorts of ideas for werking a ribbon choker into my lineup.
The lip matches the dress!!!
Preeettty sure I saw Anna Kendrick’s right nipple.
The GOAT rocking Tom Ford and that’s obvious.
JLD doesn’t age even for a second.
There’s nothing I love more than when youngn’s in Hollywood dress for their age. BRAVO.
Dayyummn, Dax.
Why wear a necklace when your boobs can be the main attraction?
Natalie is channeling Jackie O and I don’t hate it.
I could literally stare at her chest all day. ALL DAY.
Pretty sure Amy Adams has worn some variation of this dress before but if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.
Yes, please.
This is the perfect princess gown.
Get it, Felicity!
Not sure how Kristin became an E red carpet correspondent but she looks fab.
Shoutout to a fellow big booty.
I wanted to hate this but I kinda can’t take my eyes off of it.
BEDAZZLED shades to match his suit?! Fresh2death. Plus he’s got the hottest chick in the game rockin his chain.
Another princess gown that I want to twirl around in. I believe this was the dress that motivated me to note that I’ll be needing a 360 cam for my wedding day so I can do a slow motion spin.
Remember how earlier I said white guys can’t wear white tuxes? Yeah, this doesn’t apply to Ryan. I need to change my undies just from a glance at this pic.
BEST LOOK:
Mandy Moore coming back in a BIG way. She looks flawless and out of all the stars that went tits out for the red carpet, she was my fave.
No recap for this show because I don’t think it could have been any more boring if they tried. No one got drunk and made an ass of themselves, no one gave a funny acceptance speech and there was NOT ENOUGH JT. But seriously, as soon as I heard JFall was hosting I anticipated all of the great things him and JT would do onstage and all we got was a 20 second cameo at the beginning and the next 3.5 hours were JT dry. That should be illegal.
2017 started with a bang for me when my best friend scooped me on three stories before I even got out of bed on New Year’s Day. I dropped the ball on that one and it was a rough start to the new year because if you know me, you know that nothing feels better than being the first to announce gossip to someone. It’s a warm fuzzy that can’t be beat. But anyway, some of this is Sunday news but I’m going to report it like it’s fresh, because even though I got scooped I still want to yap about it.
1. THE GINGE IS BACK!
I’ve been chomping at the bit to get new Ed & Tay and his comeback to social media for the announcement nearly killed me. A cryptic “new music Friday” video followed by teasers every day was just too much to handle. Finally when the 30 second snippet came out in the Snapchat filter Thursday night I was all in. In fact, I sat on my couch with the filter on repeat like I was Michael Scott crying to the preview of a James Blunt song over and over after Carol dumped him. No shame in the game. ANYWAY. It was Christmas morning all over again when Ed dropped not one BUT TWO singles this morning. Hot damn. And they’re both amahhhzzzing. More, more, more, moreeee!!!!!!
I’m not exaggerating when I say that LC’s pregnancy got me more excited than my own sister’s pregnancy. That’s probably because my sister is my favorite drinking buddy and LC isn’t, but whatevs. Regardless of the family drama I just probably caused, LC announced with a flawless ‘gram (seriously peep that glitter mani) and I am counting down the months until she posts pictures of her little nugget dressed to the nines like a baby fashionista.
3. Tilikum Has Passed.
Terrible news in the celeb death circuit again. Another star gone 2 soon. Tili was featured in the most depressing and real AF doc Blackfish. Sea World has murdered our beloved friend by keeping it captive in a tank instead of letting it swim free with all it’s fishy friends. Let’s send Tili out the only way I know how…rest in peace you precious angel. Soar into heaven like you’re flopping over the rock wall to escape the greedy humans.
4. BOOOOOOOM, Boom, AC’s Got Another SLAM, SLAAAM.
I didn’t think I needed new Aaron Carter tunes in my life until I watched this video and couldn’t look away. He is wearing a full face of makeup while he sings about some girl’s panties on his bed. Will it ever top the classic, That’s How I Beat Shaq? Of course not, don’t be preposterous. But if I’m ever feeling down on myself I know that all I need to do is fire up the Fool’s Gold vid and see how AC makes a comeback from his days two-timing Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan while cranking out hits. Spoiler alert: he does it by playing piano on his arm.
5. Let’s All Laugh at Mariah.
Not much happened after New Years this week so let’s take this moment to properly appreciate the hot mess express that was Mariah’s NYE performance. Girl, we all know you’re going to lip sync, it’s Times Square…at least stop talking during it and give us a shimmy or something. This was worse than the last time she murdered a live performance, RIP All I Want for Christmas Is You. But don’t worry, it was an inside job. Dick Clark sabotaging performances from beyond the grave. Either way, the best way to start off a fresh year is always by laughing at the misfortune of others, so thank you for this. Brought America together.
As per tradish, here’s a rundown of all the celeb costumes I could find — from offensive, to naked and everything in between. And of course, the winner of this year’s “accidentally racist” costume that they immediately needed to issue an apology for is…….
YIKES. Outta left field with that one! Didn’t expect sweet ole Hil (who dressed as a basic bitch black cat last year) to fall for this trap.
I am SO sorry to people I offended with my costume.It was not properly thought through and I am truly, from the bottom of my ❤️sorry.
Also to be clear, every gossip site who described her getup as a “sexy pilgrim” costume should also be issuing apologies because there is nothing sexy about a pilgrim.
Colton Haynes has been creepin up on Heidi Klum as Halloween extraordinare but enough is enough. I understand that Miss Piggy as a character is a slutty pig, but that doesn’t mean we need to see her naked, playboy style. TOO FAR, COLTON.
Enough time has passed since the incident for this to be ok. Hil, take notes. Getting mauled by a tiger? Give it some time and then ease back into it. Native Americans, on the other hand? Always a no.
And so we begin the “friendly” portion of Halloween. Playboy bunny from someone who I wouldn’t be surprised to see a sex tape from in 2017.
You know how cowgirls love to wear their lingerie with a bedazzled belt over it.
I’m not following on this number for Julianne Hough.
SHE WORE THIS WITH HER CHILDREN. THEY ARE OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS THIS IS.
I’m torn here. This is so spot on but like also tone it down with the skankwad costumes every year, girl.
Thanks for showing us your nips.
Ah yes, of course. “Santa”. If Santa had never seen a cookie in his life and also wore sparkly hot pants.
It felt right to follow up the sexy anything segment of this blog with Mindy’s Cap Sully costume. Which of course, is the opposite of sexy.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!
Bey & Blue in an ode to Salt n Pepa
Katy Perry upgrading from the time she dressed as a literal cheeto, to full-on Hil. Not sure why Orlando Bloom is Trump instead of Slick Willy. Pretty weird coups costume dynamic.
LC Queen of DIY Halloween with another banger.
Nina Dobrev’s “I’m a complete dope” face really completes this costume.
Real life Ryan Lochte went for terrifying this year.
Is this a real rabbit because it is creepy AF.
Zach Braff looks like a babe soda
Stranger Things from Amy & her hot boyf. Truth bomb, that hairstyle doesn’t look unrealistic with Amy’s face.
Only time will tell if everyone gets outraged at Kelly for dressing up as Beyonce. Seems like a touchy subject lately. Cough cough, Amy Schumer.
Hard pass to Michael Strahan as Pikachu.
Well this is, interesting.
LEO! WHY COVER THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE OF YOURS?!
Nothin’ quite like dressing up as your younger self and realizing how old you are.
Demi looks like a dime.
Today Show tackled the 90’s, which of course I approve.
Is this the first year Matt has dressed as a male character?
Even the Today Show pup is killin it.
Seems a little early in the morning for a hooker costume, but whatevs.
Did I doooooo thaaaaaattt?
I cannot and will not stop laughing at Kathie’s Reg face.
Jenna Bush mailing it in and “dressing up” as her Grandma.
Ellen and a very low key Heidi Klum as Sia and Maddie. Tough look to have multiple Sia’s in the daytime TV world.
I already posted a solo shot of Candace as Tink, but it’s necessary to look at the whole cast of The View. Did they not learn ANYTHING from Today Show’s abomination of Peanuts last year? CARTOONS DON’T WORK IRL. This is what nightmares are made of.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
End of the day update (since I guess people actually dress up ON Halloween…whatever.)
Enough with the Trolls. The movie isn’t even out yet and JT’s been hawking it since May. Also, those feet.
Saw a lot of Lochte but didn’t see any Phelps face and I ‘preciate this. Gabby on the other hand is SO four years ago.
It’s not fair.
Do better Tay. I mean, I get that you’re bragging that you know Ryan Reynolds by wearing the actual costume, but also the squad can do better than a bunch of basic costumes. Especially when you’re all rich AF.
Taking a page out of Kimmy K’s book from last year, Heidi dressed up as herself then took it one step further and dressed up 5 other women like herself, complete with face prosthetics. Kewl.
The sunshine season can’t truly begin until the infamous* Summer Palooza drops.
(*use term loosely)
CAN’T STOP THE FEELING! – Justin Timberlake. I declared this JT bangerang the song of the summer on May 6th when it was released and I stand by it hard. Is it played ad nauseum on the radio? Don’tttt caaaaareeeeee. Get that sunshine in your pocket and just dance dance daaaannceeee like you’re dressed like Ellen.
Summer – Cassadee Pope. I mean, come on. This song was written specifically to be drafted for summer palooza.
I Like The Sound Of That – Rascal Flatts. One of those feel good country songs from a band that are basically considered dinosaurs in the industry by now. Seriously, I feel like the Flatts have been lip syncing at award shows for the past 100 years. Anyway, ❤ the JT shoutout EVEN though they say Timberlake’s got nothin on this girl. WHAT a bold statement.
Superstitious – MKTO. Any music MKTO releases makes me instantly want to drop into a split and spin on my head. Don’t worry. I physically can’t do that, so I’ll white girl head bop instead and let them remind me of the duo from Another Cinderella Story that a young Selena Gomez sassy danced all up on. (Seriously though, are they the same people? Right down to the fedora…)
vs.
Brand New – Ben Rector. A surprising soulful twist for the mix, it’s time to shed some light on ya boy Ben Rector and bump this for road trip vibes.
Work from Home ft. Ty Dolla $ign – Fifth Harmony. Even though this one’s been floating around since early Spring, I’m still down with it because I DO work from home most of the time. And it definitely doesn’t go like this… Either way Fifth Harmony crushes the high school band practice meets sexual lyrics year after year.
Wherever I Go – OneRepublic. I always forget about OneRepublic because it seems fishy that they’re still releasing music while Ryan Tedder is writing songs for like 90% of pop singers. But regardless, every summer they seem to have new music and this one is surprisingly UPBEAT!
Once In A While – Timeflies. Even though Timeflies released a real weird video for this song, it’s still catchy AF and Cal still floods my basement with just one note. Why aren’t these two super famous by now? They’re about to open for the kid with the holey eyebrow in a mall bowling alley next week. Not even headline…OPEN. What is wrong with this world? Make these two megastars, STAT.
Fix – Chris Lane. If you’re looking for something to indulge on this summer, Chris Lane is it. He’s got your fix, he’ll be whatever you need. He’s also a straight up smokeshow. Yes Chris. Be all of the things for me, pls.
Bacon – Nick Jonas ft. Ty Dolla $ign. Nick Jonas is soooooo0oooo deep now because he wrote an album about his breakup with Ms. Universe but realistically he’s just singing about tossing bacon on stuff. It pretty much makes 0.0 sense but when you add a beat to my favorite crispy breakfast side, it’s summer palooza gold. PS no clue who Ty DOLLA $ign is, but snaps for him earning 2 prestigious spots on this mix. That’s how you get your start in the music biz, so I’ve heard.
Sun Don’t Let Me Down (feat. Nile Rodgers & Pitbull) – Keith Urban. I hate myself for liking this song because it goes against every fiber of my being that hates Pitubull and his Mr. 305, Mr. Worldwide yellin’ ass but it’s fire.
Ain’t Got Far To Go – Jess Glynne. Jess made her debut last summer with some radio hits and we’re getting in touch with our inner jam band/reggae by including her this year. Clap it up for musical diversity. But seriously, put those hands together because there’s a whole lot of clappin in this song.
Like I Would – Zayn. Although I never wanted to support someone who could up and leave 1D, it would be wrong to admit that this bedroom jam Zayn that was born out of it doesn’t do things for me. Plus Harry’s the lead actor in a movie that’s probably going to win Oscars, so no hard feelsies. I would say that Zayn’s pretty cocky about his sex skillz with both Pillow Talk and this, but he managed to snag the hottest young model in the world and I’m gonna go ahead and guess he’s probs good in bed. They broke up for a hot second but GiGi remembered that no one would touch her like Zayn does, so she was like JK we’re back on.
Night’s On Fire – David Nail. David Nail’s a cutie and also consistently puts out classic country songs about hot babes and summer feels. I accept.
Treat You Better – Shawn Mendes. Technically Shawn is more for the teeniebopper Disney crowd but whatever because Stitches was my shit and I can already tell this song just might top that old school Bieber good good.
Snapback – Old Dominion. This is more of a PSA than anything: snapbacks are all the rage now. And by that I mean, backwards hats are all the rage. If you’re of the male gender and flip your hat backward, your pussy magnetism will skyrocket. Facts only. Unfortunately this is a song about a girl wearing a snapback. Less hot. When I wear a backwards hat, my family calls me Icebox from Little Giants. Double standard. Quick recap: guys, flip it backward, girls don’t do it unless you want to be compared to a female trying out for the boy’s football team.
Yes:
No:
Put It On Me- Austin Mahone Ft. SAGE the Gemini. It’s pretty embarrassing that two years in a row I’ve roasted Sage for what clearly is his calling card. They don’t already know you Sage, no one knows you. And no one will know you if you keep backing up Disney singers on their breakout “I’m a bad boy who does sex” tracks. Nick Jonas skyrocketed over the past year and with this spicy number, it looks like Austin Mahone is about to do the same. And poor S-A-G-E is left behind still just wanting to already be known.
Sorry – Beyonce. This is an unsanctioned add behind my co-producer’s back but you know what? I AIN’T SORRY. Beyonce made Lemonade (and cold hard cash) out of Jay cheating on her. It needed to be addressed on my summer mix. Everything about this song is cocky and cool. Yonce telling Jay to suck on her balls?! Damn. I also cannot and will not stop laughing at how disgusted she is with his F’ing excuses. The delivery on that was A+++.
White Houses – Vanessa Carlton. Summer cannot begin nor end without ‘Ness singing about sweaty *consensual* first times in the back of a car.
I’ve been saying I would write this blog since I started The Salty Ju and nothing motivated me more than Disney announcing a MDW DCOM marathon and excluding some of my faves. So here’s the must-see list of the ole Disney classics whether you catch them on Disney this weekend or online…they’re worth a relive for nostalgia and mad LOLZ. Disclaimer: After doing further research, it turns out some of my faves that were left off the list are technically not DCOM’s as they were funded as feature films (which would explain why they have more star power.) Guess who doesn’t care? Moi. Were they on Disney? Yes. Did I watch them fo’ free? Yes. Then they’re Disney Channel Original Movies. End of discussion. Let’s rank.
Honorable Mention: Motocrossed
I can pretty much tell you almost nothing about this movie but it’s on this list because Riley Smith. I think I only saw it the one time but if I know anything, it’s 90’s teen heartthrobs and Riley was top dog. This flick is supposed to be Disney’s dipping their toe into the waters of feminism but all I can think about is those baby blues in his lime green jumpsuit. But anyway, this chick kneeling in the front of this picture wants to be one of the boys and race with them in place of her brother so she chops off her hair and does just that. Pretty sure she also falls for Riley, because who wouldn’t? Sincerely praying she got a peek at him in the locker room, She’s the Man style.
10. Double Teamed
Don’t be such a bunch of pervs. This movie is about sports and twins, duh. Based on a true story (see, Disney was educational!) high school twins play volleyball togets then they had to move and start dabbling in basketball. I remember this movie being hilarious because they claimed to have that twin sense that made them like 1 trillion times better at sports. Like one would look for the other to pass to and telepathically through twin-ikenisis she would know to run to that corner and catch it. It was such a load of bullshit. Not to mention they apparently didn’t have the budget to cast actual twins, or like, just the same person like Lohan in The Parent Trap, so the two actresses looked nothing alike. There’s no way you can be in each other’s brains and not even be related! Whatever, they made it to the WNBA. Spoiler alert. Not bitter or anything. Twin bogus.
9. Gotta Kick it Up!
I distinctly remember watching this one on premiere night with my sister and then us yelling Si Se Puede at each other for roughly an entire summer. Did it apply to anything we used it for? Probably not. But it was in Spanish and made us sound super exotic. This is the Latin flava movie and gave me some new spicy dance moves to try out no where because I have no rhythm. This random red-headed teacher in the movie did, though because she got doooowwwwnn and showed the dance team how to win.
Bonus points for AmericaFerrera crushing it as Yolanda. Every time she danced solo everyone chanted “Go Yoli, Go Yoli.” What a firecracker.
[Editor’s Update: My sister just kindly reminded me that we had an obsession with neon highlighter window markers around the same time this movie came out and at one point each had Si Se Puede written on our bedroom windows. What a hip family we were. You know, if the definition of hip is carefully planning each month what quotes and doodles to draw on our windows with craft markers for no one to see but us and our probably 3 friends.]
8. The Luck of the Irish
A St. Patrick’s Day staple on the Disney Channel, other top Disney hottie Ryan Merriman stars in this REAL weird number about Leprechauns. He casually finds out his mom is one, as Irish families sometimes do, and then has to get a coin back or something? I don’t really remember. What I do remember is his mom fitting in his pocket, him growing some pointy ears/bleached tips, and his grandpa being named Reilly O’Reilly. So I guess he’s pretty Irish. Also Kyle (Ryan Merriman) has to fight this evil leprechaun in a rowdy game of bball. And he is terrifying.
7. Pixel Perfect
This one got a little creepy BUT also gave me a fresh crush. Ricky Ullman was the leading male and also starred in my middle school locker via a Google image of him printed on fresh white computer paper. Smooches, Ricky. Anyway, he’s a nerd (and the glasses really work in his favor in this movie) so he creates a robot girl and then tries to cash in on her as a singer. He also falls in love with her and his BFF Sam is crushed because he likes a robot better than her.
I’m pretty sure the jig was up when Ricky tried to smooch Loretta the hologram. CAN’T HAVE RELATIONS WITH COMPUTER IMAGES, BRO! Bonus points for the soulful songs that I most certainly ripped off Limewire.
6. The Cheetah Girls
There will never be a cooler friend group than the cheetah girls. Cause they had a cool handshake, and they sang rad songs, and they’re cheetah SISTAAAAHHHHS. Seriously though, those matching velour jumpsuits were on point and in a day when 3LW and their promithes, promithes were all the rage, this movie was the shit. Even their names–Galleria, Chanel, Aqua and Dorinda? Who the hell came up with these?!Remember when they rescued that little dog basically just by singing to it? Modern day heroes is what they are. You heard Chanel, You BEST respect the Cheetah Girls.
Describing this movie makes it sound SUUUUUPER dumb. But at the time, watching it gave me like a hundo new cool phrases to drop at the lunch table. Zetus Lapetus, you brought Doritos today?! Zenon wore neon colors and lived in space with her BFF Nebula…except she was punished by being sent to Earth. Earth sucks. We don’t have a cool AF spiky haired singer named Proto Zoa who croons “there’s no gravity between us, our love is automatic.” We have Bieber. Yuck. Props to Disney for playing right into the porcupine hair trend that was hot in the streets in the early 2000’s. Boys, you were a nobody unless you had a gelled front spike, preferably with bleached tips and that is obvious. All I ever wanted to be was Proto Zoa’s Supernova Girl, MAJOR!!!! (Now that I’ve reminded myself how stupid space talk is, I’m going to force it into every conversation for the next month until my friends want to murder me.)
4. High School Musical
I’m only counting the first one as a throwback classic because the second movie was dirt and the third hit theaters (and is still a bangpiece of a film.) Who would have thought theater kids could be cool in high school? Troy totes didn’t when he sneaky discovered that he loves to sing like a bird but feels REAL guilty because WHAT WILL HIS FELLOW BALLERS THINK? Bonus points for two high school freshman (I’m assuming they were infants) finding love via open mic on vacation. They really stuck it through too. Wildcats 4 lyfe. No movie scene will ever beat Troy stopping mid-dribble to sing himself through a mental breakdown. Quickest way to make me laugh out loud is to re-live that soliloquy.
3. Life-Size
Back when Lohan was still fairly well-adjusted and Tyra Banks wasn’t telling everyone to kiss her fat ass on daytime telly, we had another majestical and realistic story via Disney. Eve the Barbie has come to life through a magic spell and even though she has an endless closet and career choices in playworld, real life is ROUGH for her. Get used to it, Eve. The good news is that if she ever finds herself in a bind she can just sing her way out of it. WHERE YOU LIVE, WHERE YOU ARE BE A STAAAARRRRRR!
Bonus points for feminism when we see that Barbie is actually a total asshole with a razzle dazzle raincoat and firecracker red nails who can’t work or cook to save a life. #ROLEMODEL That is, until her little tomboy friend Casey teaches her about life and makes her dad fall in love with a doll. Normal stuff.
2. Wish Upon A Star
I’m nothing if not dedicated and since this was one of my favorites, I re-watched it so that I could remember all the gems. And boy was this edgy for Disney. It’s your typical body switching movie, except that for a network that created a high school movie series where the couple doesn’t have their first kiss until the third movie…THIRD MOVIE (coughtroyandgabriellacough), this was risqué. Alexia Wheaton is the older and much more popular sister with the hot boyfriend—obviously named Kyle.
Haley Wheaton could be a body double for Travis Birkenstock from the movie Clueless.
As revenge for switching bodies, they each try to F the other one over, Haley (in Alexia’s body) gets her neck munched on by her sister’s boyfriend and Alexia (in Haley’s body) does a quick strip tease atop the lunch tables in a dominatrix outfit. You know, totally normal high school stuff.
In this town there’s casually mad shooting stars and they have like 100 chances to switch back, no biggie. Bonus points for the frosted lipstick, white sparkly eye shadow and construction workers getting boners for 16 year olds. Also might I add that no matter what body switching occurs, I would never be down with sharing my BF with my sister and allowing them to tongue each other.
1. Model Behavior
Ohhhh I don’t even know where to begin with this movie because everything about it is too great. Right off the bat, N*SYNC’s “Here We Go” in the opening credits with a camcorder at a high school party is such a hot start. Another life switching movie that ends in a high school dance (do you see a trend here with my favorite DCOM’s?) Janine the famous model just wants to be a regular teen and Alex the social outcast just wants to bang JT, I mean Jason Sharpe. Don’t we all, honey, don’t we all. I’d like to point out that this movie just further convinced pre-teen Julia that she had a shot with any celeb if this weirdo who makes her own costume-like clothes can get JT. Anyway, apparently if you pull your hair up and rock a pair of dark framed glasses, you’re a completely different human. WHO KNEW?!
Jason may seem like a player but that’s all tabloid fodder, he’s really just modeling to pay for grad school…where he will study astronomy. Are we to believe that someone old enough to attend or think about attending grad school is willing to roll through a high school dance just for a smooch?
On the other hand, Janine the model is “park your car directly in the apartment” kind of rich and ends up slumming it with Eric Singer, the popular jerk at school. Eric Singer is a hawt name but his personality is mud.
Bonus points for Janine’s assistant Monique who has a mushroom cut and speaks like PeeWee Herman because every time she opens her mouth I laugh out loud.
Also the pervy brother who waits outside of a ladies bathroom with a camcorder just to catch his sister on video. Bruh, did anything about that seem off? And finally the lolworthy confessional that occurred in the middle of the school dance with parents, little bros and potential boyfriends present. Oh, and Nobody’s Angel, appearing as: Nobody’s Angel. Best. Movie. Ever.
Catch some of these movies this weekend: Click here for full schedule Unfortunately the top three will not be playing, but it’s possible they will be avail online. BOOOOOOOO. I don’t know why I’m complaining, I just set my DVR to tape roughly 20 movies. HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY, ‘MURICA!
When JT started teasing new music this week, I almost had to change my undies right on the spot. That’s how much I missed his beats. And him, in general. As I type this it’s Thursday night and I specifically stayed up 10 more minutes to hear it when it dropped at midnight. AND OBVIOUSLY IT’S FIRE FLAMES. When does summer officially start? May 6th. Put it in your science books because JT just started summer with this bangpiece. (Just so we’re all on the same page, we’re all pretending this isn’t a song for animated trolls.)
2. I mean, obviously.
Look I’m not a huge shipper of Gwen especially after she started dating Blake Shelton and the two of them tossed it in everyone’s faces constantly because they started banging on a show they both worked on (how original) but bring in Clooney and Julia Roberts and I’m sold. I mean seriously, I can’t sit still for 10 minutes without checking my phone or gazing off into space but these 10-15 minute carpool karaokes keep me riveted.
3. Let’s go back, back to the beginning. I follow the former Laguna Beachers on Insta specifically waiting for a moment like this. No seriously, if I unfollowed them and missed this it would sooook, which is why I put up with all the posts about how they’re so grown up and getting married and having babies and totally distancing themselves from when they were dumb high school idiots who threw bougie black and white parties and benefits at a hotel just so they could drink. Anyway, if this isn’t a teaser enough, something’s definitely brewing in the Laguna world with the B-list stars. I mean seriously…who invited Christina and Morgan to ever participate in anything entertainment related again? I’m also guessing JWahl is slumming it because his addiction appearances with Dr. Drew were drying up. Try all you want but ya’ll will never be LC. (Making Bambi inspired t-shirts for Kohls.) JK, JK. If you want to reminisce about Laguna before whatever this might be airs, check out my prized and well researched ‘Guna blog here.
4. A peek into my future if I have accidental kids. Female ensemble comedies are all the rage these days and here’s a new one about being shitty moms who like to party.
5. Tha Carters bathe in money. Beyonce dropped Lemonade a couple weeks ago about how Jay cheated on her, essentially cashing in on the ‘vator scandal. And everyone’s like ooohhh ahhhh, Jay-Z better WATCH HIMSELF. Uh, CTFD, this is obviously a business plan and part 2 is Hova’s response album. Cha ching, cha ching TIIDAALLLLLL. I wouldn’t be surprised if Blue hopped in the studio next for an exclusive Beyhive Jr. album. Anyway, I approve wholeheartedly. The world is a better place for getting to hear marital drama play out on spicy new songs. Plus the graphic tee world needed a refresh from all the “But first, coffee” tees and “Becky with the good hair” is a fine place to start. So thank you, Illuminati.
BONUS:
Their eyes are photoshopped right? Either way, Team Logan 4ever.
Forget what Lifetime and Hallmark try to pass off as movies, you haven’t really lived until you’ve seen a Disney Channel Original Movie, DCOM for kewl peeps, obv. The early 2000’s were the golden era of Friday night premieres on the Disney channel–terrible acting, cheesy characters and a just little bit of magic. For example: a talking house, switching bodies with your grandparents, a leprechaun on a basketball hoop, mermaids, Justin Timberlake as a male model, Hilary Duff in the military…you know, typical stuff. Well as an anniversary gift to us, Disney will be airing a full weekend of DCOM’s so fire up those DVR’s but also iTunes because their lineup is missing more than a few key flicks. First and foremost, Model Behavior. JT at the prime of N*SYNC on the disney channel? YES PLEASE. Wish Upon A Star has a pre-Grey’s-meltdown Katherine Heigl. Alright, this could probably be a whole blog, (and believe me it will be…no one unjustly leaves out the classic DCOMS and gets away with it) Anyway, click here for the full schedule. Must see’s (that they’re actually playing) include: Double Teamed (don’t be such a perv), Motocrossed, Pixel Perfect, Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century, Smart House, HSM, Cadet Kelly & The Cheetah Girls.
2. Morning TV dramz.
Since not all my readers have lived that unemployment life, you might not be as familiar with daytime talk shows as I am. So it’s important for you to know that Michael Strahan bouncing up outta Live with Kelly & Michael is a BFD. Poor Kelly can’t hold a bitch down on that show. First Rege leaves, and now Michael’s outtie–for another morning show! BURN. SIZZLE. BOOM. And to make matters worse apparently the producers pulled the ole, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her and Kelly found out at the same time everyone else did. Yikes. So until further notice, Kelly is vacationing and probably looking to get out of her contract or something. At least she’ll get a gr8 tan?
3. I almost pooped my pants.
I mean the book was suspenseful (looking for a juicy read? head on over to my book list that I so carefully made even though 90% of them are turning into movies) but my God that trailer gave me a scare. Creepy Kanye West followed by a first person POV ponytail snatch? I watched this before bed, which I’ll own up to being a terrible idea for someone who sleeps with her door closed in case a murderer comes in so she’ll hear him coming, but also I’m never wearing a ponytail again. DEATH TRAP.
4. Lil Becks is the next Biebz. I follow 50% of the Beckham family on Instagram and it certainly has its perks. Recently Victoria and David have been pimping out Cruz as quite the little songbird. I hate kids, but realistically this whole family is full of future models and popstars so midas whale get on board while they’re young. I would hate to look uncool. So check out this little nugget hitting the high notes and becoming one with Beca Mitchell. If I could give him any critique it would be to get a new routine because cups was so 4 years ago. I mean, come on. But keep on, keepin on little guy, it won’t take much to oust Biebz, you’ve already got the soulful pipes and the swoopy hair.
5. Saved by the Max. Chicago is doing a pop-up Saved by the Bell diner this summer as tribute to The Max and so that every SBTB fan can pretend they’re having a burger with a side of magic tricks. I love this idea and I hate this idea. I love it because it could be argued that I’m a casual fan of Saved by the Bell.
I hate this idea because it’s just like the Central Perk thing that went down in NYC a couple of years ago. You build this huge tourist trap and then people wait in line for hours to shuffle through and take a picture that a bunch of strangers watch/end up in the background of. I wish there was a secret underground society where pop culture recreations happened and you could just go and be called Mama by AC Slater, get smooched by Zack Morris and never get anywhere near Screech. Can we make that a thing? Oh, it’s called living in a fictional TV show? WuT3v3r.
*Bonus (feels mean to call this a bonus) Prince died last night and I’d like to thank People.com for reminding me of the time he kicked Kim K offstage. He was like hey girl come dance with me and she was so bad that he was like k, get off my stage. May he rest in peace and I’m sorry I aggressively made fun of him at every awards show ever.
Welcome to “Country music’s biggest night,” this month.
Cause nothing gets me ready for the impending 9 months of winter quite like watching performances of my favorite country songs about boozin’ in the summer. Looking past that fact though I think everyone in America can agree that we can divide last night’s awards show into two categories: BJT & AJT. Before JT and After JT. Also note to future country singers hoping to sweep the awards: bring your buddy Justin Timberlake. But more on that below…here are the hits and misses of the night’s bits, performances & audience reactions.
No, Thank You:
-Hey, I get that Star Wars is making a hot comeback this year but did we need to start shoving it down America’s throats like 5 months early? I’m out on Star Wars. So as you can imagine, the opening bit with Brad as Guitar Solo, Carrie as Carrie Fisher and Garth Vader turned Luke Vader didn’t do it for me.
-Obviously fresh on everyone’s brains (because we’re reminded of it every five minutes) is the Blake/Miranda divorce and it needed to be addressed. Unfortunately, Carrie & Brad started with “the breakup we can’t ignore” and then tossed it over to Miss Piggy and Kermit. I’m actually more fired up about the Muppets taking over than I am with Star Wars. Enough with the puppet publicity.
-Related to my last point but not a part of the show, Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani waited until right when the show was beginning to have their reps officially announce they’re a couple, making it red carpet fodder. DOUCHE move. Seriously, #TeamMiranda all the way.
-William Shatner got drunk (I assume) came onstage in a storm trooper costume and shat all over the joint.
-Zac Brown Band sang off key a whole lot.
-Brett Eldredge never performed and yet he has a brand new album…how does this add up CMA?! HOW?!
-Carrie performed “Smoke Break” looking like a smoke, obv.
-Every year they throw pop acts into the mix and hope for musical magic and every year there’s duets that crash and burn.(Wink.) This year was Fallout Boy with Thomas Rhett. They did “Crash & Burn” first followed by “Uma Thurman” where essentially both of them held back their natural style of singing while red-lipped body suit ho’s gyrated around them. It was inspiring.
– Luke Bryan performs a slow number without his backwards hat. WHY EVEN PERFORM? #DesertSandstormUndies
-Miranda rocks the shit out of her performance of “Bathroom Sink” and ABC acts supes mature and doesn’t once give us a reaction shot from Blake. BOOOOO. I want to see the regret in his eyes.
-I was forced to eat all the nice words I gave Kacey for her red carpet look when she did too much outfit and special effects-wise for her performance. There were literal My Little Pony graphics parading in the background.
Yes, Please:
-Carrie Underwood’s crack in the monologue about “some dude” calling women in country tomatoes and the camera pans to three men in the audience with stone cold expressions who probably hate women…and tomatoes.
-John Mellencamp & Keith Urban were the opening hair cr3w. John sported some fluffy locks and Keith had his usual mom going through a mid-life crisis haircut so putting the two of them together was top entertainment for me. Also they sang “Ain’t that America”, which always slays. MURICA. HOME OF THE HAIR.
-Brad invented the phrase “Sam Hunting” to refer to the art of talking and transitioning to song. Thank GOD someone ribbed on him for this because it’s not okay. Talking mid-song sucks and Sam abuses the privilege just because he’s swoonworthy.
-JT got mad screen time right off the bat when Brad shouts it out to him then hopes for a performance of “that song about Christmas that he just can’t put his finger on.” I’ll put my finger on it. If it’s cool with Jessica, of course. But seriously, show Justin’s pretty face as much as possible.
-Little Big Town slayed Girl Crush as per usual (but please start performing another single, I’ve seen this one a lot) and blondie gave me silver skirt goals.
-Eric Church channeled a sunglasses-wearin Beyonce and dropped a surprise album mid-show, which was much more exciting than either of his performances.
-Chris Stapleton owns the MF’ing night. Had quite literally no idea who this bearded fellow was before last night and suddenly he’s the stuff and also BFF’s with Justin. Just as long as he doesn’t try to take JFal’s place I’m cool with it. But seriously according to me and EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON at the awards show his collab with JT was the performance of the night. Tennessee Whiskey was first, followed by Drink You Away and they tore that shit wide open. There was a girl also singing with them but her name isn’t Justin Timberlake and therefore she remained in the shadows, literally I don’t think she had her own spotlight. (Re-watch full performance here.)
-Follow up to the actual performance, which was bananaland good, the country stars in the audience could not even with JT and it made me feel so much better about sitting completely still on my couch grinning at the TV. Specific shout out to Keith Urban whose undies were probably more soaked then mine…he cheered & danced and screamed like a fangirl with an I ❤ JT poster all while filming the whole thing on his iPhone. One guy had actual tears. Most of the girls just drooled openly. It was amazing to see everyone lose their cool for JT and the Tennessee Kids duetting with the largest beard I’ve seen in a while.
-Even though it didn’t matter what the hell FGL did because they followed Chris & Justin, I still had to throw a little fashion appreciation their way because it made me laugh out loud. Gone were the vests that I have plagued for years and the replacement was Brian wearing a harness and a feather necklace. No hang on, necklace is overstating it. He was wearing an actual full feather hanging off a string.Upon second glance there was a feather in his back pocket as well. I don’t know what I expect from two men who live in actual treehouses but it still gets me every time.
-Pentatonix does a quick accapella country ditty and the audience lost their shit over it. Everyone was all in on their 2 second performance and it was really cute and well deserved cause this group is more talented than the Barden Bellas. They even got a standing O.
-Miranda wins Female Vocalist and you can tell she’s not sure how to handle the cameras but Luke swoops in and hugs her. What a gentleman. I almost forgive him for his lack of hip gyrations. In Miranda’s thank you she says, “I appreciate it, I needed a bright spot this year.” YOU GOT THIS GRRRRRLLLLL. KILL ‘EM.
-Chris Stapleton wins his third award of the night and tears up. He’s humble and sweet and grateful and we need more of him in America. Also it’s very clear that all the top country artists were rooting for him which gives me even more of the warm & fuzzies. Also not for nothing he has some pretty luscious locks that curl better than my own.
-Luke thanks his “baby” and they show Garth Brooks. LoLz. That cameraman was swiftly fired. Then Luke-no baseball cap-Bryan also shouts it out to the cool kids of country in the front row to remind everyone who isn’t VIP that they suck at life.
I particularly love doing Country red carpets because they’re the only awards shows where the men have equally as sassy outfits, if not more eye-grabbing than their lady counterparts. Don’t eva try to hold a country man down with their loud print suits and staple headwear. So even though most of you look like you scrapped together suits from the leftovers at a seamstress, I applaud you for keeping things spicy and going there instead of sticking to a boring black tux.
WORST:
Exhibit A of above rant. Shiny teal patterned jacket, chesties, and Jimmy Neutron hair. Thanks for being you, men of country.
I want to like this but it looks like she’s wearing a dress with spiderwebs all over it. And I really hate spiders.
Sweet black armpit flaps.
Thank God one of them wore black or this would’ve been a real eye sore sitch for Rascal. Oh wait…
Seems like maybe Kimberly bought this dress off Etsy.
I think wrapping a hot pink twin bedsheet around my body for a toga party in college was more flattering than this.
Jason will probably never make my best dressed list, so I hope he’s kewl with that.
This is the epitome of a horrendous bridesmaids dress from 1993. Also why is Erika Christensen at the CMAs?
You know what would be really wild? If Steven showed up in a slick tuxedo. That would turn some heads.
We have a TRUCKER HAT. I REPEAT, A TRUCKER HAT. And once you get past the shock of 2003 Ashton Kutcher, a white fedora, matching jacket combo deal.
Not really understanding this idea of sheer paneled legs. Just wear a short dress and call it a day.
No thank you, Jennifer Nettles.
He’s already pretty creeps and then throws on an embroidered jacket so that didn’t really help things.
The hair ruins everything for me here. Gelled pompadours AREN’T cool.
This dress reminds me of a mix between banana peels and leaves, either way it’s too weird
BEST:
This is really classy and elegant, especially for 1 out of 100 country awards. You go, grl.
Why couldn’t the Conrad sisters perform? THAT would be must-see TV.
Kacey threw me a curveball tonight. No arts and crafts accessories, no beehive hairstyle, she just looks pretty.
Beard’s got a weird jacket vibe going on but leather jacket Osborne is doing all sorts of things for me.
LeAnn with a sassy little frock. Showing Carrie she’s not the only country singer with stems!
Thomas Rhett was out shined by his smokeshow wife and her dress that I’m obsessed with.
What do you do when you’re about to see your ex-husband in front of the cameras for the first time? Dye your hair pink, duh.
A fall-influenced suit. Hell yeah.
I’m willing to overlook the baseball cap for this spicy burgundy suit on Cole.
Slow whistle for the future Mrs. Jeter. Hot diggity damn.
Everyone knows all JT needs to do is show up and he makes my best dressed list. Shameless.
Luke never fails to dazzle me but all I need from his is a white tee and baseball cap.
My boo.
Latest installment of “if you guest star on Nashville you get an invite to the CMA’s.” I don’t hate it. More Riley Smith for me!
I may hate Hootie gone country but I can respect tha hell outta this bloutfit.
I can get all down with this salsa number.
Didn’t get enough hot pink tonight and I like this one a lot. David Nail you look nice as well.
All because two people fell in love…they get invites to every Hollywood event ever. All in on Shawn’s suit, hard pass on Kaitlyn’s dress. I’ve seen a bajillion better outfits on her.
Thompson Square looking glam city.
Usually the one sleeve thing is a little jarring but I’m alright with this scandal.
If you follow Jana on insta, you would know she’s preggers because she makes sure to directly comment on her bump in every post so it makes perfect sense that her hand is essentially glued to her baby belly on the red carpet. Also fist bump for putting the pregnancy rack on display.
Princess Kelsea. Glad she made it to the CMA’s this year because her songs are fire flames and she’s a little cutie.
Ignore the stupid pose, ignore the stupid pose.
The Sleek Perry
I love this peacoat material jacket. Sophisticated AND trendy.
I laughed out loud when I saw Perry Bro 1 with his messy bun and realized this is EXACTLY what my hair looks like when I toss it up at the end of the day. Not sure if that’s a commentary on me or him.
Fave Look of the Night:
She may have 12 outfit changes throughout the evening but her red carpet look did it for me.
The Salty Ju 