CMA’s Red Carpet 2022

HEY Y’ALL! We’re getting back into the groove of awards season, gearing up for a long winter of yours truly clothed in oversized sherpa-lined men’s flannels adorned with crumbs asking celebrities if they dared to look in a mirror before they left their mansion to walk this red carpet. An age-old tradish. If I may make a blanket judgment about last night’s event it would be: TOO MUCH BOOB. Let’s be a little more tasteful with our cleavage going forward, ladies. Or just take a page out of my book and exclusively wear baggie tees with no bra. Now that’s CLASS and I think everyone at the dog park where I regularly rock this look would agree. Slops Yabs or Bust.

WORST.

This bitch took a spin in the drapes and walked out the door and I’m sorry but we cannot call this fashion. It’s what you do when you’re indecent and you have to walk by the window when the landscaping crew is outside, you wrap yourself in a sheet. And not for nothing but I always wonder when someone wears something like this do they ever think about how no one can walk within a 12 ft radius of them or they’ll be stompin all over their ridiculous flailing wispy dress bits? Counterpoint: if you hate someone and they wear something with a tail, all you have to do is stand on it to ruin their night. #DeepThoughtsWithJu

Kicking off my bubby-hate for the evening, I just never ever feel like I need to see what someone’s underboob looks like up close and personal. This keyhole peep is far too girthy and so unnecessary. If that hadn’t set me off, I’d be down with this look but alas I see red when I’m getting knockers shoved in my grillpiece at a classy event. (Stay tuned for more ranting about this and a fun little game I like to call how many nicknames for breasts can I shove into this blog.)

Usually Dierks slays with a trendy and funky-colored suit but I cannot climb aboard the ribbons, bows & embroidered flowers angle here.

My general distaste for Lady A’s music (which all sounds exactly the same) may have bubbled over into their red carpet choices because my first thought was UGH they’re so boring. So obviously I’m being a real Judge Judy here. But also, bleh.

I’ve kicked this blog off on a real snarky tone so we’re gonna go balls to the wall here and point out that you cannot have a hairline like Luke’s and not wear a hat. Your GO-TO move should be a cowboy hat. I’ll also accept trucker hat, which I think is what he’s usually sporting. No need to get fancy, Luke! If there’s any red carpet where headgear is welcomed with open arms, it’s every country awards show.

These two are called Bunnie & Jelly Roll and I really don’t think I need to say much else here. Except maybe, sir are you lost? VMA’s were months ago.

Is this a Vegas bachelorette pool party or the CMA’s cause bbgirl looks confused. Part 2 of 1000 of WE DON’T NEED TITS OUT FOR THE RED CARPET. I don’t care if you’ve got itty bitties or big honkers, I don’t discriminate on size, I just don’t want to see ’em.

OMG DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT KATY PERRY HAS BIG BOOTY BIG OLE YABBOS?! Cause I for one had no idea due to the fact that she definitely hasn’t been jamming them down our throats for the past 15 years. Katy, take your over the shoulder boulders and get lawst with this Britney denim knockoff. That was an OG magic red carpet moment that will never ever be recreated.

Before I took a closer look I actually thought this was denim and I was also annoyed with Carrie for the same reason I just roasted Katy. Even though it’s not actually denim it’s still giving Britney vibes. Also it’s kinda just a smorgasbord of fabrics and I’m over it.

You know I’ve had enough of my eyeballs getting poked out by nipples when I put my girl crush JJD on the worst dressed list but seriously ENOUUUUUGHHH with the boobs. I’m literally beginning to question if it was a requirement for your hooters to be busting out of your dress to even attend the CMA’s. This looks downright uncomfortable. Like, props to your plastic surgeon but we don’t really need proof that your hard as rock implants stand at full attention without any assistance. Y’all sick of my boob jokes yet? Too bad. I’m sick of getting poked in the eyeballs by them.

Alright, 80’s Dad. Are those New Balances?

This is like tacky lingerie and probably the least flattering dress I’ve ever seen Miranda rock. So there’s that.

Oh, GREAT! MORE AREOLAS!!!!! JUST WHAT WE NEEDED!

John looks like he went back to 2013 poppin tags with Macklemore at the Salv.

This is a bellhop and/or Regal Cinema attire and you just CAN’T be strollin a red carpet lookin like this. ESPECIALLY when you’re hanging on by a thread in the country music world like Jake Owen is. How did not one person on his team look at this deep red smoking jacket and go, you’ll look like the help, dude, pick something else.

BEST

I really went back and forth on this one. On the one hand, it’s giving REAL hardcore stripper vibes and it’s a scooch hypocritical of me to boob-shame and then allow a sequined leopard lace-up number to sashay right onto the best dressed list. On the other hand, LEOPARD. I love leopard so much and I don’t care who knows it, so THERE.

Nice fall color, love the bow heels and WHAT WITCHCRAFT IS THIS SKINTIGHT SILK DRESS WITH NOT ONE CRINKLE OR FAT LUMP? I truly need the link to what kind of spanx/shapewear she’s slurped into because HOT DAMN I stared at this picture for an embarrassingly long amount of time trying to find one little panty line or even just the outline of her belly button and NOTHIN. Definition of fits her like a glove! (Also to stay on brand, full coverage on the tots would’ve been preferred, obv.)

Everyone looks sharp except for the guy all the way on the right who looks like he borrowed his dad’s Sears double breasted jacket because he forgot the event was tonight. Not to put him on blast, but also, clean it up.

I love how cocky Cole is that he wears a hat with his own initials on it. And also I just really want this suede number. Love a subtle bedazzled jacket.

Lauren with the big hair. I LOVE IT! What a babe soda. Thomas looks alright, one time.

IN ALL MY YEARS, I’ve truly never seen a Pete and Repeat on the red carpet at the same event. YOIKES this is embarrassing. I mean I imagine most stylists are on the same circuit because this faux pa NEVER happens but I really wish these two would’ve embraced this twinsie moment. One time I was at the bar and the girl next to me was wearing the same exact bright yellow floral top from TJMaxx and I elbowed her and said I see you’re a fellow maxxinista (obviously I was overserved) but we laughed and took a selfie. AND THAT’S how you handle who wore it better like a PRO. Sure, I’m not famous and I’m not wearing the same designer dress as someone who is infinitely more famous than me (literally don’t know the other girls name, sry not sry) but I WILL say, I love the color and they both look downright fabulous in it.

Riley is kind of giving off grandpa vibes in this jacket which is fitting for having a hit about grandpas never dying but really I’m just loving on his arm candy’s classic nude.

We love a red carpet pregnancy announcement in granny’s applique florals!

If we’re being honest every single time I’ve seen a photo of Maddie and Tae in the past 5 or 6 years they’ve been around, I genuinely wonder if it’s the same two girls. They look different EVERY time I see them. But regardless of if we’ve gotten sub-in Maddie’s or Tae’s through the years, this black and white combo is FIERCE. The big bridal skirt paired with the dominatrix patent leather thigh highs? YES please!

Might be ~*~controversial~*~ to say but this silver look is majestic.

Wynonna looks like a disco ball! Get it girl, give us a spin!

Normally I’d go IN on this turquoise-weighted velour flare-fest but you know what?! Get down with your bad self, Lainey! I’m a strong supporter of wearing an obnoxious trendy hat and usually I do so under circumstances that certainly do not warrant a brim that wide. Well babes, this is a circumstance that warrants a brim as wide as the red carpet. Hats off to you and your 600 precious metals weighing down your hands and neck.

The men were a little disappointing tonight so I really savored this maroutfit with smoking slippers from country music’s resident racist hot mess.

Reebsies knows what works and it’s a jewel tone to really emphasize that Red Ragtop.

Luke ‘if it ain’t broke don’t fix it’ Bryan, ladies & gents.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

A group award! SLAY Runaway June SLAYYYYYY. I love that they color coordinated and then popped OFF with their own emerald interpretations. The country girl belt mixed with chain heels, sparkles, feathers and a whole lotta leg! Look out, Carrie! These chicks know how to party.

Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2021

HEY Y’ALL it’s your annual reminder that CABLE IS BONKERS STUPID and if I’m paying a subscription service to get cable why are they NOT tossing in the primetime networks for free? Pilfering cable logins just to get my awards show fix is getting REAL OLD. But that certainly didn’t stop me from doing it again last night. Shout out to my ex boyf’s parents who still love me enough to let me steal their login, feels good to be the golden child for once, even if it’s someone else’s family. I’ll take what I can get. #Grateful that I was able to shove salami and garlic stuffed olives into my facehole at warp speed last night while I HECKLED this awards show from the comfort of my couch. The fact that my out loud awards show commentary BY MYSELF isn’t a reality show at this point makes me really question the future of entertainment. Ratings would soar for the rosé-infused slob kebab in fleece PJ’s shouting “HE’S NOT NEW” when Jimmie Allen is awarded “Best New Artist” and then proceeding to ROAST him for crying as he accepted the award and admitting that he spent his last $50 on attending the CMA Awards a few years ago and he was living out of his car. With all due respect, I call bullshit, good sir. YOUR LAST FIFTY DOLLARS?! YOU SPENT IT ON A CONCERT?! Yeh. Ok. Anyone who has only $50 left is homeless. Let’s cut the shit on the rags to riches story. We get it, you’re grateful. We don’t need an overdramatized backstory. WoooOoo baby, I came in hot and for that I do not apologize. Get used to it. Best of luck to anyone who walked this red carpet cause I’m about to go IN.

WORST DRESSED

This is too damn much and if we’re being really honest, I’m kinda over Carrie’s sourpuss. As the most outspoken A-list country singer against the vaccine, they panned to her immediately after Luke Bryan’s “immunized” Aaron Rodgers “joke” and Carrie looked irritated as hell to be there. HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR ONE TIME. She’s giving off REAL betch vibes lately and I’m ready to smack that stank face right off her.

Two words: Leather Poop. Brown leather, REALLY KATY?! Come on. Not only is this a giant couch flavored turd but it’s unflattering as hell. I guarantee Katy is skinny as possible and yet this is hugging every crevice making her look like she’s preggers.

This was my “what fresh hell is this?!” moment of the night. Maren will literally never stop getting as close to topless as she can get on primetime and hubby decided to compliment his wife’s constant near nip slip with a poop suit and Hef slippers. Her whoutfit isn’t even tailored to her miniature height. It’s just dragging on the ground like a pair of JNCO jeans.

Meh. Plain black dress with Elle Woods pink clutch. Whatevs. Not awful but also LAME.

Puff the magic dragon all up in ya with this sleeve/shoulder flare.

Sorry pal, you know the rules. You wear a plain ass black suit amongst guys who actually take a risk and you can F all the way off onto the worst dressed list.

I’ve never seen a more mismatched couple. We’ve got this Judah Friedlander-lookin ass on the left going for hipster thrift store finds I only drink PBR “sTyLe” and then ice dancer pageant queen on his arm. Like she’s 100% looking for ABC to pick her up for this year’s Miss America.

I’m scrolling through red carpet looks and was the MOST taken aback by stumbling upon Susan Sarandon holding that tiny red clutch front and center. I’ll take WILDLY out of place for $500, Alex. Susan and her kit and caboodle purse with matching Dorothy heels took a sharp left turn out of The Polo Lounge and ended up at the Honky Tonk and she looks v. uncomfy. The white suit! The pearl necklace! Every detail of this look is church on Sunday.

If you’re going to rock a skin tight pair of Tiger King hot pants you’re A-S-K-I-N-G for it. The “it” I’m referring to is of course me vomiting all over your fashion choices. I get this chick is going for carefree gypsy with moonstones and funky blazer but TIGER PANTS? REALLY, BABES?! (I heard Adele call someone babes in her cool AF British accent and this will now be a thing I try to shove down everyone’s throats for about one week until I forget all about it.)

I feel like Russell is usually trendy as hell serving some looks with a funky color or pattern and PLAIN BLACK IS DEAD TO ME. I also just find this top heavy rhinestone sitch on his lady to be tacky. I’m bored with this. We’ve had over a year of cancelling awards shows and events and zooming instead of red carpets and I want my socks knocked off my damn feet with everyone’s comeback. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! Take a risk, homeslices! (I’m cackling as I type that because the MINUTE someone does something risky fashion-wise I also put them on the worst dressed list. And that’s why I’m a loser who wears a fanny pack and not a fashion critic y’all.)

What in JoAnn’s Fabrics is happening here?! Rogue appliqué flowers and *ONE* glitter boob?! What’s the right one got that the left one doesn’t?! Why does she get her moment to walk in the sun as a sparkly spectacle and lefty is just covered in plain ole pleats? THE INEQUALITY. And then you tack on cross dangle earrings?! Girl, pick a damn lane. Also, not for nothing but were the stylists really pushing the smoking loafers this year for men or WHAT?!

Dierks please for the love of God get rid of that mullet. You look suave as hell and then it’s that neck music that’s making me want to puke in my hands. And again, real ice dancer vibes in his lady.

Hard to pull off a classy Hamptons white party look when you’ve got a shag rug of chest hair protruding from your wife beater and we can see your ankle socks peeking out of your black shoes. What a G-D disaster. Plus, their whites don’t even match. She’s in white and he’s in cream. Who approved this?! For the record, this woman looks stunning. Beautiful, simple gown, her only cross to bear is Fozzy Bear on her left.

I wore a black shin-length skirt to my first bar mitzfah that had a very prominent baby pink ribbon around the waist that I took as a clear sign I should match it to my top, thus creating a hideous black and baby pink combo that I’m sure was kewl for 6th graders getting hopped up on Mountain Dew and moshing to Sk8er Boi but it has FOREVER scarred me to this color combo. Sorry my own poor fashion choices have created this bias but I really started to get the sweats when I first laid eyes on this suit. I can’t relive 6th grade guys. I bet I had watermelon pink rubber bands in my braces too. WUPH.

No joke I looked at last year’s blog and was fully convinced either it was the same photo or Old Dominion pulled a prank and showed up in the exact same outfits as the year before. I guess if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. But also, maybe fix it.

Saved the worst for last!!! What a putrid duo. Did these two dum dums think this year’s CMA’s was a costume party? Halloween was a couple weeks ago, honies. Tweed and satin and puffy floating sleeves and rhinestones and patterned tights, OH MY. KILL IT WITH FIRE. Even Kermit would sip his tea and be like hmm, not for me.

BEST DRESSED

Quite frankly I’m mesmerized by that teeny tiny waist on Caroline. What a rocket she is. Luke’s fine. Whatever. I couldn’t help but notice he’s looking a little Ken doll lately. Sometimes less is more with the plastic surgery, my man.

From one hat gal to another, I love that she’s rocking the hell out of this outlaw cap with badass braids and adding a little shimmer n shine to it only made me love it more. Not super flattering to have your top in the shape of an arrow pointing to the part of your body that naturally gets wider but hey you win some, you lose some.

Dan + Shay knew we were two nights away from getting Red (Taylor’s Version) and decided to serve us with some pumpkin spice latte coordinated fall lewks. I can always jive with a seasonal theme and these two look like they’d bring a homemade pie to Thanksgiving and whisper sweet nothings into your ear while you snuggle on the couch as the Tryptophan sets in. Did I just turn two earth tone suits into fan fiction? Mind your business.

Last year I delivered some hard truths to Jason: “Change it up, Aldean. Am I being kinda harsh? Yeah. Get over it. Let’s see something other than 90’s era jeans with a chain, loafer boots, graphic tee and cowboy hat. SPICE IT UP.”

AND LOOK WHAT WE HAVE HERE. Jason Aldean must be a Salty because he HEARD me. Fitted black pants and a SILVER jacket, Ok, I see you BB!

I spent a significant amount of time this weekend mulling over a purchase (discount of course) of a Cher Horowitz style plaid skirt. I love that this trend is coming back hoard and although I decided against purchasing the skirt, it was only because I have 0 friends and 0 places to be and I’m not about to waste fashionable separates on the couch. But then I saw this full plaid suit and I got the plaid tingles and the moral of the story here is I’ll probably purchase a plaid skirt and wear it around my apt just for the sheer joy of Tartan.

We’re doing a lightning round of male appreciation here and this purple suit is hot 2 trot.

Luke Combs is a back country man. The kind of guy that would probably rather be in a dive bar drinking Coors Light but also happens to have mad talent and I love the fact that he played it up for the red carpet. He probably felt like a real asshat wearing a velvet jacket and fancy boots but I tell ya boys, trendy evening wear every once in a while won’t kill ya.

The goons of FGL were CONSISTENTLY on my worst dressed list for like the first five years they graced red carpets. They were showing up in denim vests and feathers and drug rugs and all sorts of hats and bandanas and acid washed jeans. Their style was atrocious and they LOVED that about themselves. The minute I saw this photo I was like HA. Doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, famous or a loser, you get wifed up and that is IT for your experimental fashion. Every single woman cuts the shit with that REAL quick and starts dressing their mans. So I’d like to thank wifey for this transition. She’s killin it in this gown and Tyler looks debonair (never thought I’d see the day where I’d use that word to describe this hobo.)

Hot Diggity Dog, Jennifer slayed the performances with her powerhouse voice but before she could do that, she had to show up in a literal lace corset and pop that bangin body. I’m obsessed.

99.9% sure I also crapped on Darius last year for pulling the plain black tux out of his b*hole (AND he was host) so once again, we’ve proved that my blog is the top source for fashion goss among male country singers because he was CLEARLY like I better switch it up or The Salty Ju will come for me. It’s not lost on me how important my opinion is to my zillions of followers. So yeah Darius, ya crushed it by going for my weakness which is a royal blue suit every damn time. Fre$h to death.

Is Nicole Kidman going through a sexual reawakening? Because normally she’s giving off strong 75 year old witch vibes and last night she was arching that back and poppin that leg, booboo. Proud of her. And obviously I already drooled all over Aldean’s silver jacket and Keith is also rocking it. Metallic is my jam.

Last time I saw Mickey she was preggers and now she’s wearing a SKIN-TIGHT white gown. That’s as bold as bold gets. She looks PHENOMENAL.

What a snake move for them to pose as a group every year because the majority of the time they all look like duds except for one. Keep riding Kimberly’s feathers onto my best dressed list, Little Big Town. See if I care! But seriously, what a sassy fun party frock and the rest of them are attending a funeral.

I’m very into the white Martha Stewart turtleneck moment we’re having here. Classy and elegant!

Carly Pearce went through a public divorce from Michael Ray this year after being married for a whole five minutes and GREAT NEWS everyone judging completely by this one evening, she’s winning the breakup. She looks like a bombshell and she won female vocalist of the year. AND she smooched a hottie before accepting the award. That’s how you turn lemons into lemonade, yo.

This hot pink and silver loudness makes me happy. I don’t know if it’s because I’m making direct correlations to Barbie or if it’s the couples coordination or what it is. So kewl outfit but you still didn’t spend your last $50 attending the CMA’s while you were living in a car, I rest my case.

Look at this cherub in maroon. Missing his better half but I’m guessing she’s about to pop with their 4th kiddo and a red carpet wasn’t sounding spicy for her. Props to TR for holding down the fort in fashion.

I want the shiny white gown. I realize that the actual nominee in this photo is the dude and he looks nice and all but Katie Stevens was an actress in the all-time classic chick show The Bold Type and I follow her on Insta and when she posted this photo supporting her huz, all I could think about was how I want this dress. Whatta babe.

FAVE LOOK OF THE NIGHT AND IT AIN’T EVEN A COMPETITION:

TENILLE TOWNES, DO YOUR THANG, GIRL! I mean WOO I nearly fainted when I saw this photo. She is OWNING this sultry red power suit. And worth noting that Tenille will always have a supporter in The Salty Ju because in addition to serving looks, she also happens to be the sweetest human on this earth. Kindness, talent and a bangin bod will get you EVERYWHERE, folks! Take that to the MF’ing bank.

Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2020

I heard whispers of the CMA’s coming up mostly via Instagram but unfortunately I’ve returned to the poor person’s land of no cable and I shoved these murmurs to the side as I didn’t want to face the facts that I couldn’t afford to watch an awards show. It didn’t help that my sister rubbed it in by choosing to watch her first awards show in a year and text me to see if I was also watching. NO I’M NOT NIKKI BECAUSE IT’S NOT ON NETFLIX, GAWD. Anyway, color me surprised when I scooted over to People.com and saw that not only was there a red carpet but it was populated enough for me to RAZZ HOARD on the chosen looks. It’s been a MINUTE since I could do a best and worst dressed. I’m so #grateful that Nashville has decided the pandemic is over and brought awards szn back. So even though I couldn’t watch, I sure as shit can Joan Rivers this hoedown! LET’Z GO.

WORST

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First thing’s first, OBVIOUSLY Maren looks great post-baby. That doesn’t change the fact that I hate this lingerie look. And then hubby comes in wearing a literal karate black belt. It’s a no for me, dawgs.

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Realistically I’m not sure there’s much that you can do to make a very large colored eagle chest tat red carpet ready. But this bright blue number that matches the backdrop wasn’t it.

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Is Miranda’s huz the most whipped person on this earth? I mean he literally quit his job as a police officer to live inside Miranda’s b-hole and star in her music videos/instagram drool sessions and now he’s gotta coordinate with her Think Pink theme. I love a pop of color but this mismatched version plus the 80’s shoulders and cinching didn’t cut it.

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Change it up, Aldean. Am I being kinda harsh? Yeah. Get over it. Let’s see something other than 90’s era jeans with a chain, loafer boots, graphic tee and cowboy hat. SPICE IT UP.

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I cannot stand velvet/velour and for that very finicky reason I cannot toss this duo on the best dressed. Luke looks good but wifey looks like she’s wearing the latest Juicy sweatsuit with heels.

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I think what’s probably the most offensive about this poop suit is that he tossed black into the mix as well. If you’re going to go full turd why ALSO sprinkle in black because EVERYONE KNOWS brown and black don’t match. #bracking.

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I’m probably going to start sounding like a broken record but I like this color and hate the style. It’s like a corporate outfit and I feel like she could’ve done better than a button down like she’s there to give a sales presentation.

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Honestly if this awards show were in Vegas like one of the 600 country shows is, I probably would’ve let this getup slide. But it’s not. You’re in Nashville and therefore wearing this showgirl hot red feathery dress with rhinestone heels is tacky AF. Obviously goes without saying that the rose decal jacket also falls in that category.

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Dierks is letting the locks grow and I don’t LOVE it. Also he’s dressed to grab a beer at the bar.

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Kinda want Osborne on the left’s grey boots (holla atcha gurl) but in lieu of calling out Dierks for being too casj, I gotta do the same with these boys. You’re not hitting up a bonfire, step up your game.

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I wish this were a frontsies shot but I can tell from this angled glimpse that there’s weird shit going on with this lady tux. Seems like a nip slip waiting to happen and is she also wearing a karate belt? Is this a thing now? LMK.

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Did Caylee and Jon Pardi’s wife get dressed in the same back alley? This is EXTRA aggressive because she’s also a ginge so that’s really a lot of red for one set of eyes to take in.

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What are you at the Oscars? I get that you’re the host but whoa buddy this is stiff as hell. I realize the conundrum I face by criticizing those who underdress AS WELL AS those who overdress but really it’s my blog and you can’t tell me what to do. I’ve never seen a more snoozy tux.

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I have questions about why he’s even at the CMA’s but the biggest question of all is what the hell is happening here? It’s the matching ivory, feathered crop top blazer, man turtle neck & chunky black non-slip sneaks for ME. God just typing out those deets made me choke back voms. What were we going for here?

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Oh great! Is this a trend?! Am I too old to know that whoutfits with black kicks are fashionable now? Guess what I don’t care. It’s horrific. Cut the shit. I wouldn’t even wear this in the privacy of my own home and I went outside in my pajamas this morning so you KNOW I don’t have fashion standards.

BEST

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THIS is how you red without going full-blown Rockette. Feathers are not necessary to make a dramatic statement.

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Very classy. A little boring, but the pattern adds some pizazz. (Also ironically, the feathers are necessary here. But they are tasteful.)

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I had my first Iced Peppermint Mocha (shoutout Dunks) of the season today which I like to refer to as Christmas in a Cup and while the candy cane caffeine is still coursing through my veins I’m all about this festive look. CHRISTMAS GLAM!

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I’ve seen TR look better. Lauren looks like a babe soda as always. I’m seeing a trend in the pink game this evening.

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Damn GET IT GURL, those curves don’t QUIT.

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A part of me will always miss Jake Owen’s lettuce and the barefoot blue jean night vibe that went with it… but I guess he cleans up nice too. His gal pal is basically wearing a wedding gown. Now that I take a second look this easily could pass as a wedding photo. I wonder if they had a Joe Jonas/Sophie Turner post awards show quickie marriage planned. Guess we’ll only find out if Diplo is there to livestream it.

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The two endcaps are all black lamewads but the middle three are killin the game. (Seriously, is the guy on the right wearing vans?) Anyway, shout out to that maroon jacket.

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Reba debuts her new man candy (candy is a very liberal term but you get the point) and this glitzy cape all in one night!

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LAAAHHHVVEEEEEE the color and style of this gown. Her husband looks like he’s wearing a cowboy halloween costume.

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Not a big full leg slit guy, but considering it’s also long sleeves she’s gotta show the goods somewhere. I respect it.

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Right side STRONG in this group photo. All in on the eggplant suit & glitzy mini.

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Tip to all the gents, always go with a patterned suit. Keeps it zesty but doesn’t need to be loud.

BEST LOOK OF THE NIGHT:

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My favorite joint look of the evening. The sparkly grey gown pops and caters perfectly to her bangerang stems and Mike is wearing a coordinated but not TOO matchy matchy tie (take notes, Miranda & husb.) 10/10.

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1. Sexiest Man Alive.

johnlegend

I know that I once wrote a very heated takedown of People for their shitty choices in Sexiest Man Alive, based solely on the fact that they’ve never crowned Ryan Gosling but over the years, my anger has simmered because obviously this whole thing is rigged anyway. I’m ok with John Legend. I don’t feel triggered or slighted. I feel like he’s a lovable character who has talent out the wazoo and looks like someone you might want to cuddle with, so sure, let’s call him sexy. What I don’t feel GREAT about is that Chrissy Teigen’s twitter antics probably pulled more weight with this nomination than anything else. Everyone knows she likes to get fired up on twitter and come at people. She’s the hot, dirty-mouthed sassy B wife to John’s gentle and tender doe of a personality. I don’t doubt for a second that the higher up’s at People were like what will create buzz? Someone with a mouthy wife on social media that everyone thinks is hilarious. And boy did she have us all eating out of the palm of her hand. Poppin offfff on Twitter. And for that, I’m like eh I might be out. It’s overplayed. We get it. You’re unfiltered. So am I. People don’t think I’m that funny either. And I recognize that. (See #5 where I show you that people on Twitter like very unfunny things.)

my secret is out. I have fulfilled my dream of having boned @people's sexiest man alive!! an honor!!!!! pic.twitter.com/xu7ygnhOZk

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) November 13, 2019

The kids…do not care pic.twitter.com/kFTp6CyHI3

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) November 13, 2019

yeah but let's see an @idriselba pic from 1995 (prob still very hot) https://t.co/7DtT72InGk

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) November 13, 2019

2a. Combat. She’s Ready For Combat.

Don’t know what else to do pic.twitter.com/1uBrXwviTS

— Taylor Swift (@taylorswift13) November 14, 2019

Tay has assembled a Swift army. LITERALLY. Like how baller do you have to be to just write a note on social media that gears thousands of fans up for combat for your music from a bunch of mean ole music industry bullies. If you haven’t kept abreast of the music drama, Tay left her record label, the head then partnered with Scooter Braun and told her that they owned everything she wrote while signed with that record label. Which was like her entire career leading up to this album. She called them out, Justin Bieber made fun of her then she announced she’d be re-recording all her old songs so that they’re hers again. We all forgot this happened. Cut to last night when she releases this manifesto and suddenly THEY’RE NOT LETTING HER PERFORM ANY OF HER MATERIAL?! UH, UH HONAY. I worship at the ground of awards shows and if she’s not allowed to perform the hits, I will RIOT. Apparently, so will everyone else. Here’s all her buds stepping up on social media for her.

Scott and Scooter, you know what the right thing to do is 🙏🙏
Taylor and her fans deserve to celebrate the music!!

— Gigi Hadid (@GiGiHadid) November 15, 2019

camila halsey todrick

Naturally, Big Machine released a statement that if I may paraphrase here, said: Nah, she’s lyin. And like honestly after what happened with Kim/Kanye and Taylor before, do you THINK SHE’S GONNA CALL SOMEONE OUT LIKE THIS IF SHE DOESN’T HAVE PROOF?! So I’m waiting with baited breath for her to pull out those receipts y’all.

2b. Collaborashawn.

Taylor’s having a real big week. She deserved a two-parter here. Technically 3 if we want to recognize her new song for Cats as well, which we do not. That movie looks creepy as hell. Out of everything on Lover, the title track seems to be the most TAY and most unique. She wrote the whole thing by herself and it’s ooooooooooobviously about her plain bagel of a boyfriend. So when she dropped this remix this week I was real perplexed. Seems like the last one she would want someone to re-write and collab on but hey, it’s her world, we’re all just living in it. Although it doesn’t hold a candle to the original, I’m a fan of Shawn’s smooth vocals and I think it’s nice enough to give a cool gurl head nod. To say his portion of the song is a love letter to Camila is a little TOO much. Let’s pump the brakes, they’ve been dating like 5 minutes. I don’t think he’d really wanna go down with the Titanic for her. Leo tried that one time and it really backfired for him.

3. Demi’s New Mans

https://www.instagram.com/p/B4y9w_ZhYui/

Always a Demi stan, I’ve been rooting for her to keep it together ever since her overdose a little over a year ago now. I worry about her and like to see that she’s doing well–you know–by what she chooses to show me on social media because unfortunately she doesn’t text me on the reg like JLo does. There were some rumors that she was getting after a Bachelorette contestant, but those are squashed now that she’s made this public coupling with this cotton candy colored hair jabroni. Apparently he’s a model. He also posted a pic on his account so YOU KNOW IT’S REAL. And if you can’t already tell from my tone, I do not approve. Girl’s got too much going on to focus on a relashe right now. And that’s my completely unsolicited and unwelcome relationship advice for this week.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B4y-mtPnAXm/

4. I’m Confused.

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I lied. I got more unwelcome bits for these two ladies. I saw this article on People earlier this week shouting out Selena and her BFF Julia Michaels. Apparently they’re on a real hot streak lately of Bff’in. They performed together, Selena just attended Julia’s 90’s themed birthday bash and now they’ve gotten matching tats of arrows that point to each other when they hold hands. And People is like aren’t they just the cutest besties you’ve ever seen? No. No they are not. Name one pair of friends who kiss on the lips and get hand holding matching tattoos. NAME ONE. I got very passionate about this super casj article considering we are HOT OFF THE HEELS of Miley and Katelyn. Those two are smooching all over the joint and they’re having a lez fling, these two are basically doing the same thing and they’re just BFF goals. WHERE IS THE LINE, HOLLYWOOD?! I really really don’t understand it. Someone explain it to me because I have never once, nor will I ever smooch a friend on the lips. Am I doing friendships wrong? Pls advise.

5. Twitter is Garbage.

I watched the CMA’s on Wednesday (blogged the red carpet) and got a Halsey boner, so I sent out a very PG, unfunny tweet into the twittersphere, giving props to the performance, which I encourage you to watch below:

My tweet went viral–well viral for someone who gets maximum 6 likes on a tweet. In fact, I’m still gaining new followers and getting action on this tweet and it’s more than 24 hours later. Here is my stupid ass tweet.

I didn’t know I needed a Halsey / Lady Antebellum medley and now I don’t know how I’ve lived this long without it. #CMAawards

— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) November 14, 2019

I’d just like to let all of my new “fans” and followers know, that I think I’m hilarious. And I spend a significant amount of time crafting the perfect tweets as if I’m writing a punchline for my own well-attended Netflix stand up special. AND THIS IS THE ONE YOU MF’ERS RECOGNIZE?! FOR REAL? I used to live-tweet every awards show like I was being paid to do it and NOTHIN. Never recognized for my obvious talent. Now all the sudden I say I ❤ Halsey and everyone’s coming out of the woodwork. I guess that’s the power of Halsey. Now I know what the Chainsmokers feel like. Outshined by a gal from Jersey. So if you’ve stumbled upon my rarely-viewed blog because I tweeted about Halsey, WELCOME. I am here to entertain and make you laugh and if you don’t think I’m funny then get the hell out of here because I only like to interact with people who pump my tires like my co-workers who all told me I kill it on Twitter. Shout out to them for perpetrating the biggest Twitter head I’ve ever had. Also today’s my half birthday and my Venmo is open for monetary gifts to celebrate the occasion of being 6 months closer to the impending doom of thirty. That may seem abrupt and unrelated, but if you peep my tweet about it from last year below: you’ll see that I brought it full circle by pointing out yet another funny tweet that has one measly like. And also, I still genuinely don’t know how old I am. PLUS I’m trying to capitalize on my new following. So I’m not THAT dumb.

I announced to my office that it was my half birthday and then told them the wrong age fully believing I was still 26 until I did the math in my head and re learned I’m actually 27. Glad I don’t even know my own age. #imreallypretty

— Julia Giantomasi (@TheSaltyJu) November 15, 2018

Music, Red Carpet, Television

CMA Awards Red Carpet 2019

Honestly forgot the CMA Awards were last night because I’m poor as dirt and had to cancel my cable subscription, but happy to report I stole someone else’s so that I could still tune in to get in touch with my country roots and hear Reba perform Fancy for the 6 millionth time because that song came out BEFORE I WAS EVEN BORN. Way to stay current, CMA’s. FTR, they also trucked Dolly Parton (another host) out to bring Nashville to the house of the Lord and sing a bunch of songs about good ole G-O-D. I get that both Rebz and Dolly are basically country royalty but like…why. And since I came hot at Reba & Dolly (sorry, not sorry) I will also make up for it by saying that the performance of Girl Crush by up-and-coming female country stars was great. AND my favorite performance of the night was Lady Antebellum and Halsey doing a medley of What If I Never Get Over You and Graveyard. It was something I never would have expected and they crushed it. All of the claps in the world for when Halsey just busts out that kickass angel voice with no theatrics or weird dominatrix dance routines. ANYWHO. Y’all know country red carpets are the BEST to judge because some people go glam, some people go white trash and black country singers find a way to mix both and I’m really hoping they stop that soon. It’s not racist if I’m just making an observation. BLACK COUNTRY SINGERS DO NOT NEED AN ADDITIONAL REASON TO STAND OUT. LOOK TO DARIUS RUCKER AS YOUR GUIDING LIGHT. Ok. Here we go.

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Oh, Trish. Gurlfran. Leopard print–Great. Zebra print–horribly unflattering. An important lesson in animal print for us all.

Remembs 15 years ago when Gretchen Wilson came out with Redneck Woman? Guess she’s still stickin to that mantra real hard with this outfit that I can only assume a middle-aged mom from the midwest would wear to a club in NYC thinking she’s a real housewife. One swift move and we all see Gretchen’s redneck hooha.

No clue who this is, I just needed to bring this horrendous monstrosity of an outfit into the light. That’s one way to embrace the jumpsuit trend. Certainly can’t miss it!

I honestly don’t even know what garbage is sprinkled all over Nicole’s dress but it looks like a kid’s arts and crafts project. Also lolerskates to Keith’s platforms, always.

Hate to see it, but I feel like Reese just popped out of the movie poster for Sweet Home Alabama and I also feel like the trends of the early 2000’s should never be revisited.

I recently dipped my toe in the trendy hat game, and I am very sensitive and would hate it if anyone laughed out loud at my hat. That being said, I laughed out loud at Colton’s hat. And really his whole outfit in general. I feel like he googled “NBA stars trendy” and came up with this outfit. Cassie looks fine but unfortunately when you hitch your cart to a fashion overachiever for a boyfriend, you might just end up on a worst dressed list. Dem’s da breaks.

No one should ever wear head to toe white. Not even on your wedding day.

UGHHHHHHHHHH I’m so over Kacey trying to be campy western forever.

Ok, then.

I’m a Decker fan through and through but I’ve seen both of them knock it out of the park on a red carpet and this is not it. Just trying to keep it real & challenge my crushes to constantly impress me with their fashion choices. Don’t mail it in next time, GUYS.

You work out or something? BOOoOOOOOooOOOO.

I feel like Kristin is constantly dressing for Broadway and maybe sometimes she could just roll up in a simple party dress and take it doooown a notch.

I MEAN COME ON.

I get the feeling RaeLynn thinks she’s actually Marilyn Monroe. Someone keep an eye on her wellbeing.

I didn’t do my research (shocking to no one) and probably will sound ignorant but like, haven’t females in country music been busting through those glass ceilings left and right in the past few years? I feel like it’s the era of female country and thus this statement cape is ill-timed. Also Jennifer Nettles rubs me the wrong way and always has. Double also, if you’re going to go for a bold statement, actually spell out the F word and show you’re a real one.

BLECH. What is happening here. Also now that she’s preggers, what will happen to her constantly having her entire body on display at every awards show? STAY TUNED.

I lost it when I saw this poop suit and the straight SASS in which she’s posing it up. Confidence through the roof for a suede browtfit.

Had to toss in your typical country boy who shows a little glamour for shits and giggles.

How are we not seeing nipple here?

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Sometimes the double leg slit just weirds me out and looks like a panel that covers your bits. I’m probably being picky as hell but the more I looked at this, the less I liked it. And that’s why I have a blog that no one reads.

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This does not strike me as an awards dress and also I’m just still mad at Miranda for constantly stealing everyone’s husbands.

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I guess we’re really hitting the females in country theme home this year by bringing two of them back from beyond the grave to host with Carrie. Pains me to say it but none of these looks are blowing me away. Obviously the show contains several outfit changes, most of them during Reba’s performance of Fancy, but we’re just judging red carpet here and EHHHHH.

BEST

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I can totes get down with the constellation sprinkle on Jake’s jacket and his lady love looks like a real babe too.

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I’m loving the color coordination here and apparently I have a thing for stars this week because I’m all in on Mrs. Dierks whole dark magic vibez.

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Another couple that I hold to high standards because they always bring it for awards shows and I’ve definitely seen Lauren in better dresses but I’m not completely coldhearted and I’m not about to toss an entire family on the worst dressed. So basically their cute ass kids saved them here. I DO love Thomas’s polka dot look and really wish he performed Up instead of his song about how everyone gets old and dies. But whatevs.

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HEART EYES EMOJI. Mah gurl is 2 for 2 in recent red carpets lookin like the dime piece I know she is. I love classy Halsey and I need more of her in my life. Fingers crossed she keeps it up for the AMA’s.

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What a classic look for a real country hottie who does the opposite of Thomas Rhett and sings that grandpas never die. Real hot take. Also this is the part where I shamelessly bring it back to myself because I met him and I got to watch someone sneak into his meet & greet and give him a hat with Albany, NY on it that she specifically bought for him and it was v. cringeworthy. Plus I belong on a red carpet for my sassy pony (may it rest in peace ever since my tragic visit to Supercuts 2 weeks ago.)

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Bros lookin sharp.

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Sheryl Crow can be tossed into the pool of never-aging Hollywood greats.

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Again, I feel real uncomfy with shitting on kids fashion so shoutout to Pink & Carey and their minis really embracing the country theme. If we’re being real honest, I think I like both kids attires more than Pink’s burnt orange look.

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Daaaayummmmmn.

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This outfit & pose slayed me. From top to bottom: the protective goggle sunglasses, the HARD finger gunz, a Burberry-esque trench, the leather messenger bag like he’s going to class in 1998 and the “hiking” boots that American Eagle for SURE sold when I was in high school. SO MANY THINGS HAPPENING AT ONCE. And props to Blanco for committing to the bit and pulling the winner’s name out of his messenger bag later in the night.

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YAAASSS LEOPARD KWEENS!!!! Cough cough, this is how you safari, Trisha, COUGH.

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It appears as though Hil is wearing a waist trainer and probably ceased to breathe all evening, but she looks GR8.

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Sara Evans is approaching 50 and LOOK AT THOSE DAMN LEGS.

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I ain’t even mad that she mixed all of the animal prints because it nicely breaks up the zoot suit riot that is the rest of her group.

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I was actually so ready to shit all over this wet blanket (for those of you who didn’t see her run on the Bachelor, the nickname fits) but we all know I have a real weak spot for yellow.

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I love that this is not revealing at all and yet the rainbow makes it fun and fresh.

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Walker’s loafers look a little geeky but I’m diggin’ wifey’s dress.

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I’m pretty sure this is the only red of the evening and gurl is werking it.

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I know it’s not fair to give my favorite look of the night honor to someone who doesn’t even belong at an awards show but holy shit this is my favorite look of the night. Own those fifteen minutes and appear wherever they ask you to if they keep dressing you up like this, honey.

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What a cutie this fella is! Looking dapper with a dash of mountainman beard.

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Honestly I’ve seen like 4 people in Hollywood rock this silk PJ’s look now and I really just want a pair of these pants REAL bad. They look comfy AF.

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Ending on another high note of me shoving a picture of myself with someone famous enough to walk a red carpet right in your grillpiece. Tenille is adorable, makes polka dots look good and is also super nice and complimented my leopard pants. Because as you know, complimenting me will get you everywhere. Those are the rules. I didn’t write them. (JK, I totes did.)

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Country, Red Carpet

CMA’s Red Carpet 2018

I didn’t get a chance to watch the CMA’s but I can pretty much guarantee Carrie Underwood’s face looked the same as it did 10 years ago but there will be 90 thinkpieces on her first hosting gig POST-FALL.

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52nd Annual CMA Awards - Arrivals, Nashville, USA - 14 Nov 2018

It’s bad enough that it’s Hallmark Holiday szn and Alicia Witt and her dumpster acting is on my TV every time I turn it on, now she’s gotta invade country too?! What fresh hell is this?!