Tag Archives: Disney Channel Original Movie

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/22/2020

1a. Kristin Wants Bonus Points.

As someone who is a reality star and built her own brands for jewelry and clothing, Kristin is no stranger to marketing. And this post is nothing short of a marketing move. Her divorce has been a shitshow of her team basically slinging mud at Jay in the press with him not even saying a peep except for his Mother’s Day post on instagram giving her a shoutout (which we’ve yet to determine if she actually posted on his account.) He comes up looking like roses every time because he very clearly is not looking for publicity. Well, Kristin wanted a little attention as well. She wanted to stop looking like the bad guy, so she posts the above THE DAY AFTER FATHER’S DAY basically so everyone will applaud her for being a good sport. NOT ME, KRISTIN–NOT ME. I’m firmly Team Jay and I didn’t really need many reasons other than Kristin seems like a real sneaky bitch (plus I was always an LC stan anyway) and Jay seems like a real stand-up guy. But we were all #blessed with even more reasons to love Jay this week…

1b. Need All Eyes on the Chicken Serial Killer

Jay made his first ever Instagram story. As someone who probably was 24/7 filming and taking portrait photos of his wife, he didn’t really have his time to shine in the sun with content. But boy oh boy, he’s making up for that now. He has created a saga that has the whole world captivated. Someone has been murdering Jay’s chickens and he NEEDS to get to the bottom of this mystery and save his “ladies.” He has a real asshole cat (all cats are assholes and people who haven’t figured it out yet are dummies) that could be a suspect, or of course whatever wild creatures live in the backwoods of Tennessee. He promises that he’ll put a camera out and stake out in his kids treehouse to get to the bottom of this. Unfortunately for all of us waiting with baited breathe to see who is murdering these chickens in cold blood, it rained the first night and really put a damper on his watch. Night two, he got down and dirty and borrowed some night vision goggles. I don’t know how he does it, but Jay Cutler has one of the most uninterested, dry sarcastic tones, but he is captivating. I NEED to know who is ravaging his chickens and I REALLY want it to be the cat because it would prove my lifelong theory that cats are sneaky murderers. Unfortunately he has already cleared the cat and apologized to it…but I won’t rest until we have a suspect in custody. I will stay up all night with Jay checking his Instagram stories for updates until there is justice served. (This is something I’m able to do as I’m just as unemployed as Jay.) Here are just some of his updates from the past 24 hours that I so lovingly screen recorded from his Insta so that everyone can enjoy this wild chicken killer chase. Savage move by the gun company to get involved for a giveaway. Now we’re monetizing this like it’s a true crime doc and I LOVE IT. NEED more Jay in my life. How much do you think Kristin is hating this attention he’s getting and how do you think she’ll try to weasel her way into it? LMK.

 

 

2. Is Huffing Still A Thing?

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I guess it is for our little Alfalfa! Bug Hall was arrested this week in Texas for huffing. The only knowledge I have on huffing is that there was a 7th Heaven episode about it where Simon painted a mural with some kids from school and they were huffing paint cans. They all had red spray paint all over their faces and then got bloody noses. It was disgusting, Simon obviously narced on them and Annie Camden came in to lay down the law and tell everyone’s parents that their kids were ingesting fumes instead of a well-balanced diet. All was well by the end of the 45 minute episode. It was the 90’s when that aired…also when Bug Hall was best known. So apparently he got hooked on the cans in the 90’s and just never stopped? Because if you told me that people still huff today when there’s 90000 other drugs they could do that probably produce the same high, I’d tell you that you’re crazy. WHO HUFFS FROM A CAN?! Also, I would never have guessed that it’s ILLEGAL and grounds for arrest. Learn something new every day I tell ya. Bug is now 35…has children and was arrested in a hotel room full of fumey cans. As far as child star arrests go, I’d say this is pretty high on the list. That mugshot is WOOF (not as bad as Goldberg’s but really no one can top a methhead) and I am very embarrassed to admit that I once had a raging crush on Bug. My sister and I recently stumbled upon Get A Clue–the Disney Channel original with Bug and Lindsay Lohan and remembered thinking Bug was hot back in the day so we re-watched. We almost puked in our hands at our terrible taste in boys. We also couldn’t get past Lindsay’s horrific acting and pastel-tinted sunglasses she wore in school DURING THE DAY. The movie was switched off immediately and we opted for A Ring of Endless Light instead because a girl who can talk to dolphins was much more in our wheelhouse. Praying for Bug’s recovery from addiction to aerosol cans.

3. Slow Down, Demi.

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I’m just looking out for my girl here and it seems like things are moving rather quickly for her in this relationship. Not long ago she released the single “I Love Me” where she basically admitted that she has no problem showering other people with love but she hates herself and she really needs to learn how to love herself first. GURL. Have you learned yet? Because that seems like a speedy turnaround time and now you’re already in a new hot serious relationship. I’m just being a friend. I would want any of my besties to keep me in check and make sure I’m good. Plus I’ve heard (through movies and TV) that addicts aren’t advised to have a relationship in their early years of recovery. I’m no expert, but I think watching a lot of TV and movies makes me one and this seems like a slippery slope. Don’t get me wrong, Max is cute, and I’m happy if my girl’s happy but COULD this just be infatuation? Cause they’re lookin REAL PDA in these photos and I’m just wondering if it’s more about the bang bang bangity bang. Just spitballin here. Also when she said “Here’s to the future baby” and didn’t use a comma I quite literally thought it was a pregnancy announcement. So, let this be a lesson to all–grammar is key and also safe sex plz because I don’t feel like this is the right time for a Demi baby. TAKE IT SLOW GIRL, LOVE YOU LOTS! Call me! Kbyeeeeeee.

4. Ms. Frizzle Comes to LIFE.

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Another idea mined from the 90’s to be recreated! Lookie lookie here! I love how everyone razzes me for how much I love 90’s pop culture and fashion, when in reality, current pop culture and fashion is obsessed with the 90’s. The Magic School Bus was LIT and anytime a teacher let us watch one of their movies instead of listening to them speak, it was like a school field trip all in itself. Ms. Frizzle was a wild teacher with crazy red hair and was like hey guys you wanna learn about this? LETS JUST FLY THE DAMN SCHOOL BUS RIGHT INTO IT! And let me be the first to say, this should stay in cartoon format. There are some things that you don’t want to see in live action 3-D and this series is one hundo percent one of them. I distinctly remember the human body episode where Frizz-nasty commandeers the bus down a kid’s throat to show everyone what germs are kicking around in his body to give him this cold. When you see germs as cartoons you’re like eh that’s kinda gross but also cool. I don’t need to see germs IRL like we’re looking under a G-D microscope. Leave that to icky science classes. Not for me. I also don’t need to see the kid have a VERY wet sneeze to get the bus out of his nose. I almost just ralphed imagining that. So once again, I’ll reiterate for those of you in the back that may not be paying attention: the 90’s were cool as hell but I’ll dictate what’s worth recreating and what’s not. Pro: Bike shorts, overalls, scrunchies, Olsen Twins & Babysitters Club. Against: The Magic School bus IRL.

5. The Chicks.

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I’m REEEEEEEEEEEALLLY reaching here but the Dixie Chicks are changing their name and dropping the Dixie because it’s racist AF, I guess. Kinda like Lady Antebellum changing their name to Lady A and then pissing off a black blues singer with the same name who has been around longer than them and pointed out that them trying to take her name is exactly what white privilege is. So, The Chicks should be a smooth transition. I’m guessing musicians are trying to keep some semblance of their original name since they’ve been around forever and have albums and merch and all these copyrights on their original name…but calling yourselves The Chicks sucks. At that point just go back to the drawing board and brainstorm a whole new name but make sure you’ve got a historian in there with you to point out what can be tied to racism. But everyone’s just scrambling and shooting from the hip nowadays when it’s literally the WORST time to scramble and shoot from the hip. These things should probably be really well thought out but who am I to judge. HAHA. Just kidding. I am me and I will judge the hardest. I haven’t quite seen what shit the Chicks are getting yet but I’ll be anticipating diving in on that. The only thing I did see was this A+ tweet that made me laugh out loud. Anything that ties back to the CLASSIC that is Saved by the Bell will always get a full-belly laugh from me.

BONUS:

@thesaltyju

Had to say a hard goodbye today 😔 #oldfaithful #cheapstraightener #goodbyemylover #frizzyhair #revlon #throwback #fyp #resteasy

♬ Only Time – Enya

Somebody please explain TikTok to me because I was producing hilarious content out the ying yang last week and it was stacks of 0 views. This week, I threw out my $17 straightener that I bought when I was 15 and learned that letting my hair air dry and then using a ConAir crimper just wasn’t going to cut it once I was a high schooler. It was an emotional ending for me as this straightener has seen the best and worst of my hair throughout the past 15 years. It was only fitting that I gave it a proper burial with Enya. I expected this to be a dud just like the rest and whatdya know I checked TikTok twenty minutes later to confirm and it had 15 likes and 152 views. SO I GUESS I JUST HAVE TO BE NOT FUNNY TO BE NOTICED ON TIKTOK. I do not understand this app, which makes sense because I do not understand today’s youths and I feel like the two go hand in hand. This jarred me and I wasn’t sure what my next TikTok should be–something that I laughed at or something I think a 12 year old would laugh at. Therefore I only churned out one TikTok this week. To be fair, I also produced a HILAR video of my dad cannonballing that I worked really hard to splice some throwback 90’s audio in for but when I showed it to him expecting praise and affirmation that I’m creative AND funny, all he told me was that he looked like a heffer and this video was never to be posted anywhere publicly. WOMp WOMPPPPpppPPPP. Thanks, DAD. Way to have BODY CONFIDENCE. Don’t be out here doing 100 cannonballs and telling me to film or boomerang them if you’re just going to scoff at your dad bod in them. So instead of posting that, I’ll post this bitchy tweet about how much I hate celebs and their lack of individuality. Have a good weekend, everyone except famous people who get internet adoration for being TOTAL PLAIN BAGELS.

 

 

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Movies, Television

Best of the DCOM’s

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I’ve been saying I would write this blog since I started The Salty Ju and nothing motivated me more than Disney announcing a MDW DCOM marathon and excluding some of my faves. So here’s the must-see list of the ole Disney classics whether you catch them on Disney this weekend or online…they’re worth a relive for nostalgia and mad LOLZ. Disclaimer: After doing further research, it turns out some of my faves that were left off the list are technically not DCOM’s as they were funded as feature films (which would explain why they have more star power.) Guess who doesn’t care? Moi. Were they on Disney? Yes. Did I watch them fo’ free? Yes. Then they’re Disney Channel Original Movies. End of discussion. Let’s rank.

Honorable Mention: Motocrossed

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I can pretty much tell you almost nothing about this movie but it’s on this list because Riley Smith. I think I only saw it the one time but if I know anything, it’s 90’s teen heartthrobs and Riley was top dog. This flick is supposed to be Disney’s dipping their toe into the waters of feminism but all I can think about is those baby blues in his lime green jumpsuit. But anyway, this chick kneeling in the front of this picture wants to be one of the boys and race with them in place of her brother so she chops off her hair and does just that. Pretty sure she also falls for Riley, because who wouldn’t? Sincerely praying she got a peek at him in the locker room, She’s the Man style.

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10. Double Teamed

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Don’t be such a bunch of pervs. This movie is about sports and twins, duh. Based on a true story (see, Disney was educational!) high school twins play volleyball togets then they had to move and start dabbling in basketball. I remember this movie being hilarious because they claimed to have that twin sense that made them like 1 trillion times better at sports. Like one would look for the other to pass to and telepathically through twin-ikenisis she would know to run to that corner and catch it. It was such a load of bullshit. Not to mention they apparently didn’t have the budget to cast actual twins, or like, just the same person like Lohan in The Parent Trap, so the two actresses looked nothing alike. There’s no way you can be in each other’s brains and not even be related! Whatever, they made it to the WNBA. Spoiler alert. Not bitter or anything. Twin bogus.

9. Gotta Kick it Up!

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I distinctly remember watching this one on premiere night with my sister and then us yelling Si Se Puede at each other for roughly an entire summer. Did it apply to anything we used it for? Probably not. But it was in Spanish and made us sound super exotic. This is the Latin flava movie and gave me some new spicy dance moves to try out no where because I have no rhythm. This random red-headed teacher in the movie did, though because she got doooowwwwnn and showed the dance team how to win.

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Bonus points for America Ferrera crushing it as Yolanda. Every time she danced solo everyone chanted “Go Yoli, Go Yoli.” What a firecracker.

[Editor’s Update: My sister just kindly reminded me that we had an obsession with neon highlighter window markers around the same time this movie came out and at one point each had Si Se Puede written on our bedroom windows. What a hip family we were. You know, if the definition of hip is carefully planning each month what quotes and doodles to draw on our windows with craft markers for no one to see but us and our probably 3 friends.]

8. The Luck of the Irish

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A St. Patrick’s Day staple on the Disney Channel, other top Disney hottie Ryan Merriman stars in this REAL weird number about Leprechauns. He casually finds out his mom is one, as Irish families sometimes do, and then has to get a coin back or something? I don’t really remember. What I do remember is his mom fitting in his pocket, him growing some pointy ears/bleached tips, and his grandpa being named Reilly O’Reilly. So I guess he’s pretty Irish. Also Kyle (Ryan Merriman) has to fight this evil leprechaun in a rowdy game of bball. And he is terrifying.

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7. Pixel Perfect

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This one got a little creepy BUT also gave me a fresh crush. Ricky Ullman was the leading male and also starred in my middle school locker via a Google image of him printed on fresh white computer paper. Smooches, Ricky. Anyway, he’s a nerd (and the glasses really work in his favor in this movie) so he creates a robot girl and then tries to cash in on her as a singer. He also falls in love with her and his BFF Sam is crushed because he likes a robot better than her.

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I’m pretty sure the jig was up when Ricky tried to smooch Loretta the hologram. CAN’T HAVE RELATIONS WITH COMPUTER IMAGES, BRO! Bonus points for the soulful songs that I most certainly ripped off Limewire.

 

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6. The Cheetah Girls

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There will never be a cooler friend group than the cheetah girls. Cause they had a cool handshake, and they sang rad songs, and they’re cheetah SISTAAAAHHHHS. Seriously though, those matching velour jumpsuits were on point and in a day when 3LW and their promithes, promithes were all the rage, this movie was the shit. Even their names–Galleria, Chanel, Aqua and Dorinda? Who the hell came up with these?!Remember when they rescued that little dog basically just by singing to it? Modern day heroes is what they are. You heard Chanel, You BEST respect the Cheetah Girls.

 

5. Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century

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Describing this movie makes it sound SUUUUUPER dumb. But at the time, watching it gave me like a hundo new cool phrases to drop at the lunch table. Zetus Lapetus, you brought Doritos today?! Zenon wore neon colors and lived in space with her BFF Nebula…except she was punished by being sent to Earth. Earth sucks. We don’t have a cool AF spiky haired singer named Proto Zoa who croons “there’s no gravity between us, our love is automatic.” We have Bieber. Yuck. Props to Disney for playing right into the porcupine hair trend that was hot in the streets in the early 2000’s. Boys, you were a nobody unless you had a gelled front spike, preferably with bleached tips and that is obvious. All I ever wanted to be was Proto Zoa’s Supernova Girl, MAJOR!!!! (Now that I’ve reminded myself how stupid space talk is, I’m going to force it into every conversation for the next month until my friends want to murder me.)

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4. High School Musical

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I’m only counting the first one as a throwback classic because the second movie was dirt and the third hit theaters (and is still a bangpiece of a film.) Who would have thought theater kids could be cool in high school? Troy totes didn’t when he sneaky discovered that he loves to sing like a bird but feels REAL guilty because WHAT WILL HIS FELLOW BALLERS THINK? Bonus points for two high school freshman (I’m assuming they were infants) finding love via open mic on vacation. They really stuck it through too. Wildcats 4 lyfe. No movie scene will ever beat Troy stopping mid-dribble to sing himself through a mental breakdown. Quickest way to make me laugh out loud is to re-live that soliloquy.

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3. Life-Size

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Back when Lohan was still fairly well-adjusted and Tyra Banks wasn’t telling everyone to kiss her fat ass on daytime telly, we had another majestical and realistic story via Disney. Eve the Barbie has come to life through a magic spell and even though she has an endless closet and career choices in playworld, real life is ROUGH for her. Get used to it, Eve. The good news is that if she ever finds herself in a bind she can just sing her way out of it. WHERE YOU LIVE, WHERE YOU ARE BE A STAAAARRRRRR!

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Bonus points for feminism when we see that Barbie is actually a total asshole with a razzle dazzle raincoat and firecracker red nails who can’t work or cook to save a life. #ROLEMODEL That is, until her little tomboy friend Casey teaches her about life and makes her dad fall in love with a doll. Normal stuff.

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2. Wish Upon A Star

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I’m nothing if not dedicated and since this was one of my favorites, I re-watched it so that I could remember all the gems. And boy was this edgy for Disney. It’s your typical body switching movie, except that for a network that created a high school movie series where the couple doesn’t have their first kiss until the third movie…THIRD MOVIE (coughtroyandgabriellacough), this was risqué. Alexia Wheaton is the older and much more popular sister with the hot boyfriend—obviously named Kyle.

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Haley Wheaton could be a body double for Travis Birkenstock from the movie Clueless.

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As revenge for switching bodies, they each try to F the other one over, Haley (in Alexia’s body) gets her neck munched on by her sister’s boyfriend and Alexia (in Haley’s body) does a quick strip tease atop the lunch tables in a dominatrix outfit. You know, totally normal high school stuff.

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In this town there’s casually mad shooting stars and they have like 100 chances to switch back, no biggie. Bonus points for the frosted lipstick, white sparkly eye shadow and construction workers getting boners for 16 year olds. Also might I add that no matter what body switching occurs, I would never be down with sharing my BF with my sister and allowing them to tongue each other.

1. Model Behavior

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Ohhhh I don’t even know where to begin with this movie because everything about it is too great. Right off the bat, N*SYNC’s “Here We Go” in the opening credits with a camcorder at a high school party is such a hot start. Another life switching movie that ends in a high school dance (do you see a trend here with my favorite DCOM’s?) Janine the famous model just wants to be a regular teen and Alex the social outcast just wants to bang JT, I mean Jason Sharpe. Don’t we all, honey, don’t we all. I’d like to point out that this movie just further convinced pre-teen Julia that she had a shot with any celeb if this weirdo who makes her own costume-like clothes can get JT. Anyway, apparently if you pull your hair up and rock a pair of dark framed glasses, you’re a completely different human. WHO KNEW?!

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Jason may seem like a player but that’s all tabloid fodder, he’s really just modeling to pay for grad school…where he will study astronomy. Are we to believe that someone old enough to attend or think about attending grad school is willing to roll through a high school dance just for a smooch?

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On the other hand, Janine the model is “park your car directly in the apartment” kind of rich and ends up slumming it with Eric Singer, the popular jerk at school. Eric Singer is a hawt name but his personality is mud.

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Bonus points for Janine’s assistant Monique who has a mushroom cut and speaks like PeeWee Herman because every time she opens her mouth I laugh out loud.

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Also the pervy brother who waits outside of a ladies bathroom with a camcorder just to catch his sister on video. Bruh, did anything about that seem off? And finally the lolworthy confessional that occurred in the middle of the school dance with parents, little bros and potential boyfriends present. Oh, and Nobody’s Angel, appearing as: Nobody’s Angel. Best. Movie. Ever.

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Catch some of these movies this weekend: Click here for full schedule Unfortunately the top three will not be playing, but it’s possible they will be avail online. BOOOOOOOO. I don’t know why I’m complaining, I just set my DVR to tape roughly 20 movies. HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY, ‘MURICA!

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/18/16

1. Disney knows what’s up. (Sort of.)

Forget what Lifetime and Hallmark try to pass off as movies, you haven’t really lived until you’ve seen a Disney Channel Original Movie, DCOM for kewl peeps, obv. The early 2000’s were the golden era of Friday night premieres on the Disney channel–terrible acting, cheesy characters and a just little bit of magic. For example: a talking house, switching bodies with your grandparents, a leprechaun on a basketball hoop, mermaids, Justin Timberlake as a male model, Hilary Duff in the military…you know, typical stuff. Well as an anniversary gift to us, Disney will be airing a full weekend of DCOM’s so fire up those DVR’s but also iTunes because their lineup is missing more than a few key flicks. First and foremost, Model Behavior. JT at the prime of N*SYNC on the disney channel? YES PLEASE. Wish Upon A Star has a pre-Grey’s-meltdown Katherine Heigl. Alright, this could probably be a whole blog, (and believe me it will be…no one unjustly leaves out the classic DCOMS and gets away with it) Anyway, click here for the full schedule. Must see’s (that they’re actually playing) include: Double Teamed (don’t be such a perv), Motocrossed, Pixel Perfect, Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century, Smart House, HSM, Cadet Kelly & The Cheetah Girls.

2. Morning TV dramz. 

KELLY RIPA, MICHAEL STRAHAN

Since not all my readers have lived that unemployment life, you might not be as familiar with daytime talk shows as I am. So it’s important for you to know that Michael Strahan bouncing up outta Live with Kelly & Michael is a BFD. Poor Kelly can’t hold a bitch down on that show. First Rege leaves, and now Michael’s outtie–for another morning show! BURN. SIZZLE. BOOM. And to make matters worse apparently the producers pulled the ole, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her and Kelly found out at the same time everyone else did. Yikes. So until further notice, Kelly is vacationing and probably looking to get out of her contract or something. At least she’ll get a gr8 tan?

3. I almost pooped my pants.

I mean the book was suspenseful (looking for a juicy read? head on over to my book list that I so carefully made even though 90% of them are turning into movies) but my God that trailer gave me a scare. Creepy Kanye West followed by a first person POV ponytail snatch? I watched this before bed, which I’ll own up to being a terrible idea for someone who sleeps with her door closed in case a murderer comes in so she’ll hear him coming, but also I’m never wearing a ponytail again. DEATH TRAP.

4. Lil Becks is the next Biebz. I follow 50% of the Beckham family on Instagram and it certainly has its perks. Recently Victoria and David have been pimping out Cruz as quite the little songbird. I hate kids, but realistically this whole family is full of future models and popstars so midas whale get on board while they’re young. I would hate to look uncool. So check out this little nugget hitting the high notes and becoming one with Beca Mitchell. If I could give him any critique it would be to get a new routine because cups was so 4 years ago. I mean, come on. But keep on, keepin on little guy, it won’t take much to oust Biebz, you’ve already got the soulful pipes and the swoopy hair.

5. Saved by the Max. Chicago is doing a pop-up Saved by the Bell diner this summer as tribute to The Max and so that every SBTB fan can pretend they’re having a burger with a side of magic tricks. I love this idea and I hate this idea. I love it because it could be argued that I’m a casual fan of Saved by the Bell.

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I hate this idea because it’s just like the Central Perk thing that went down in NYC a couple of years ago. You build this huge tourist trap and then people wait in line for hours to shuffle through and take a picture that a bunch of strangers watch/end up in the background of. I wish there was a secret underground society where pop culture recreations happened and you could just go and be called Mama by AC Slater, get smooched by Zack Morris and never get anywhere near Screech. Can we make that a thing? Oh, it’s called living in a fictional TV show? WuT3v3r.

*Bonus (feels mean to call this a bonus) Prince died last night and I’d like to thank People.com for reminding me of the time he kicked Kim K offstage. He was like hey girl come dance with me and she was so bad that he was like k, get off my stage. May he rest in peace and I’m sorry I aggressively made fun of him at every awards show ever.

Watch here.

Now I’m off to Nashville to recreate The Longest Ride or something…keep me in your T’s and P’s for finding Nicholas Sparks love with a southern gent.

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/29/16

1. The Museum of MK&A.

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Shout out to Lindsey for tipping me off to a kickstarter that funds a museum dedicated to the Olsen twins. Unfortuantely, upon further research I learned that this pitch BLOWS and I will be personally offended if anyone donates money to it. Instead of creating a 90’s utopia where everyone is required to wear bucket hats and pastel tinted shades, where you can watch unlimited “You’re Invited” movies, put anything your heart desires on a pizza and shop til you drop in the Magical Mystery Mall (did I just create Heaven or WHAT?!)…these two morons are raising money to display paintings of MK&A dodging the paps in NYC. No seriously, here are some examples…it’s BLASPHEMY.

2. Country Fire Flames.

It’s beginning to be that acceptable time of year where I don’t get downright depressed when listening to country music because it’s the dead of winter. Now that we’re getting closer around the bend to nice weather, I’m happy to bump this new jam from Jake Owen and pretend I live somewhere warm and full of southern gents.

3. Nothing is sacred. 

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High School Musical 4 is in the works because WE CAN’T JUST LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE. Seriously? High School Musical worked because when it came out the Disney channel was still cool and their original movies still rocked real hard. Now, the disney channel’s leading show is a fakeout sequel of Boy Meets World that really is just about two weird and annoying 6th graders who wear heels every day to middle school. Stop ruining shit, Disney. You’ve done enough.

4. Blue Ivy Rulez, Everyone else Droolz.

Look, we can dump all over the halftime show all we want but don’t say Uncle Chris tossin Blue Ivy around didn’t just explode your ovaries, ladies. Seriously, be cuter. YOU CAN’T.

5. Fuller House Season 2 Confirmed.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I got Fuller House over with as fast as I possibly could. The writer who said it was the worst pilot this year wasn’t being ridiculous. It really was. What’s even funnier is that Stamos is now teasing an Olsen twins comeback for the second season. They pretty much took a dump all over the twins in several very pointed and unfunny lines of dialogue in Fuller House so what they should be hoping for is the twins’ decision not to sue them. I don’t think they’ll be returning for season 2….I encourage everyone to watch this show so I can have a compadre to make fun of it with but other than that…no. Just no.

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Bonus: Obviously it was a light week for the JUice…but on the good news side of things, The Salty Ju is currently working on expanding into the business world of the internet…and by that I mean I’m working on selling my suuuuper KEWL pop culture-y mugs for all ya’ll. So get revved up for the debut of that next week. I know, I know… how are you supposed to sleep all weekend knowing that’s coming atcha?

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/7/15

1. JT & JFall are back togets. I begged and I pleaded and finally JT’s manager read the Salty Ju and was all ok let’s give the people what they want and so explains the reunion on The Tonight Show Wednesday night AS WELL AS causing a ruckus at the US Open. The bros are back in town and it’s like they’ve never left me. Kicked the celebration off with another History of Rap–capitalizing on my favorites Bone Thugz N Harmony and Remix to Ignition. Later, the three of us were giggling together doing awkward fist bumps and just reminiscing on ole times. Like when JT drank coffee out of a mug with Jimmy’s face on it. I couldn’t make it to that night’s slumber party, obviously. Then they whipped up a quick Fallon cocktail with Sauza ‘squila, naturally, plus a side of Justin’s over the top Fallon impression. JT judged a lip sync competition where Ellen joined in on the debauchery and lawls. And finally the boys went on a date to the US Open where they showed off their Single Ladies routine. Please feel free to watch or re-watch all parts below with a silly grin plastered to your face like I just did. Supes normz. I will say it over and over again until it finally happens, these two need to host an awards show together stat, including red carpet commentary. Let’s replace garbage with pure humor and boyish charm. I will draft a letter to Hollywood to request such immediately.

2. Another model baby arrived for the Deckers just in time for football season. Last weekend Jessie James Decker popped out another beautiful infant and proudly showed off baby Eric Thomas Decker to gently remind the world that her and hubby Eric Sr. are gorge (even pre and post a child murdering her vag) and they only produce attractive offspring.

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If you're a proud big sister raise your hand!

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Eric's first flight ✈️

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When Viv got to meet her lil bro for the first time

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3. Life Size 2 is a real thing according to Tyra “Kiss My Fat Ass” Banks.

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Ty-Ty has revealed that Disney has been working on a sequel script for this trashcan movie starring her and Lindsay Lohan for far too long. They want to make it perf and are hoping for a Christmas 2016 release. Listen, I love “Be A Star” as much as the next Eve fan, but let’s stop being ridiculous with the sequels. What is going to happen in a movie made 15 years after the original? Is tomboy Casey going to bring her barbie doll come-to-life Eve to rush a sorority at college with her? Eve will get in because of her killer fashion sense and ability to spend the whole night dancing and Casey will probably be bullied by Delta Delta Sigma Betches. Did I just write the script for you, Disney? Mail me a check. (Seriously, I could use that cash.)

4. Reese Witherspoon made a baby by herself.

I say this, because there is absolutely no way that any of Ryan Phillippe’s genes ended up in their oldest child Ava. She is Reese 2.0 and it is giving me the scaries. Just a few more years and Ava & Reese will be hitting the bars and telling guys that they’re twins. Hopefully they’ll have their stories straight on what their shared birthday is, unlike my sister and I who tell strangers we’re twins whilst inebriated and then each say our own birthday when inevitably someone doubts us. Be better than us, Reese.

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5. Timeflies Tayday.

This past Tuesday the boys of Timeflies tackled some Emmy-winning T.Swizzle and it would be wrong of me not to include the 1989 cover in my weekly roundup. (Especially since Taylor Part 1 was featured on my Top Notch Timeflies Tuesday blog) Feel free to get loose to it this weekend–I know I will as I move for the 100th time in the past three years.

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Music, Playlist

Best Fictional Hits Playlist

I had one of those days where I realized how many songs I have in my iTunes that are actually fake bands from TV shows or movies and I decided to throw them together into a playlist because why not? (take a crazy chance, do a crazy dance) Anyway you’re either going to think this is super weird or you’re gonna love it…it’s a random selection of fictional songs that would’ve soared the Billboard Charts had they been sung by real life musicians.

1. What Dreams Are Made Of- Lizzie McGuire, The Lizzie McGuire Movie

Always start a playlist with a bang. That’s my motto. Lizzie was just a normal awkward middle school girl but suddenly on her chaperoned trip to Rome she was mistaken for an Italian pop star and got to perform in the Coliseum. Ho hum, no biggie. Not only is this song fire flames, but this performance was magnetic. Therefore it will be one of the only videos I attach to this list because in order to say Buona Sera to my American friend Lizzie Mcguire, you need the visual aide of a skirt turning into a metallic jumpsuit with belly button cutout and technicolor lights. SING TO ME, PAOLO! (Please read in shitty Italian accent)

2. Zach’s Song- School of Rock, School of Rock

What do you get when you put together a chubby Asian, rebel with spiked hair and a quiet nerd? The keyboardist, drummer and guitarist/singer for the coolest band in the world, duh. You don’t like good music if you don’t think this song melts faces. Also Freddy, if you’re still a bad boy drummer with an attitude, CALL ME!

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3. Stephanie- Tommy Page, Full House

Did I really need to force everyone to listen to Stephanie Tanner shriek Tommy Page at the top of her lungs before the song even starts? No, but I’ve had this bootleg version for so long that I think her pre-teen screech has become a staple in this beautiful melody. If my dad ever got a teen heartthrob to serenade me at my 13th birthday party I think I would melt into a puddle of awkward and not know what to do with my hands. Stephanie handles much better, by falling in love with Tommy who probably shouldn’t be singing to a teenager that she means everything to him. Also the kiss on the lips could’ve been a little misleading. Yikes, creep.

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4. Halo- Haley James Scott, One Tree Hill

Obviously there’s no way I would make a fake pop star playlist and not include my little tutor girl turned rocker, Hales. This is easily her best song and also the one that caused the least conflict with hubs Nathan, so win, win all around.

5. That Thing You Do- The Wonders, That Thing You Do

Hey remember this movie with Liv Tyler as a 60’s smoke with perfect eyeliner all the time? Anyway…this song is awesome and even though The Wonders (formerly Oneders) had to disband due to their lead singer being a dick, this one hit wonder (see what I did there, ha-ha) will forever live on.

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6. Supernova Girl- Proto Zoa, Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century

Seems pretty awkz to go from a movie with Tom Hanks in it to a song about outer space from a Disney movie, right? I like to keep you on the edge of your seat, obviously. Zetus Lupetus this song is stupid AF but SO catchy. I mean seriously, Proto Zoa had silver spiked hair and obviously had a way with words MAJOR.

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7. Friends Forever- Zack Attack, Saved By The Bell

Ah, back in the days when Zack and his Bayside buddies would dream about making it big and having Casey Kasem (RIP) narrate their climb to fame. Fortunately for all Zack Attack fans, Zack didn’t start banging their manager and turn into a superdouche to go solo and wear hammer pants. Instead the gang stayed Friends Forever and sang about it. And by sang about it I mean the show hired a bunch of mature adults to sing it and then tried to pass it off like these 16 year olds sounded like that.

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8. 3 Small Words- Josie & the Pussycats, Josie & The Pussycats

Confession: I don’t even think I ever saw this movie but you bet your bottom dollar I downloaded this song from Limewire and slapped it on a mix CD to listen to in my walkman. I memorized these lyrics like nobody’s biz and I’m 99% sure it was because I was not allowed to see the movie and didn’t want to have FOMO when all my friends talked about it so I learned the song to have something to contribute to the convo. Anyway, GIRLS RULE.

9. 5000 Candles in the Wind- Mouse Rat, Parks & Recreation

I’m late to the party and just now rolling through all the episodes of Parks & Rec but even as a fresh fan it seemed wrong to make a playlist without a tribute to Lil Sebastian. RIP in horsey heaven. Also Leslie told Andy to make Candle In the Wind but 5000x better and he NAILED it.

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10. Now Or Never-Troy Bolton (& Fellow Wildcats), High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Listen, with three High School Musical movies it was pretty tough to narrow it down to just one song. Obviously Breaking Free was the one that started it all but it’s slow and it just didn’t feel right. High School Musical 2 doesn’t count because it SUUUUUCKKKED so that left senior year, their big theater debut to choose from. Again, so many jams so little time. I chose this one because it has everything that High School Musical embodies all in one song. The love between Gabriella and Troy (check), the overemphasis on a non-ranking varsity basketball team (check), Troy battling his passion for sports AND singing at an inconvenient time (check) and finally everyone in the school joining in uninvited (check). Plus it gets you pumped up to win the big game or sing your heart out or whatever.

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11. Killer Tofu- The Beets, Doug

What I really wanted to do was include Doug’s quick foray into singing on this playlist but how I remembered the song “Bangin on a trashcan” was WAY better than what it actually sounded like. I think Beebe did backup vocals or something and it RUINED the song. Plus Skeeter didn’t honk, honk in it. Lame. This one is a gr8 tune from Doug’s fave band The Beets. I’m shocked they don’t cycle this on classic rock stations. OH-EE-OHHH KILLER TOFUUUUUU.

“I eat my sugar cereal but it makes my teeth bacterial”- THIS IS GENIUS SONGWRITING.

dougbanjo thebeets

12. Ultimate- Pink Slip, Freaky Friday

I’m not at all embarrassed to admit that I purchased a hard copy of this movie’s soundtrack and also was inspired to learn guitar so that I could start a rock band and win over a guy who looked like Chad Michael Murray. I played the song this band played at Wango Tango in the movie to my dad and told him to teach it to me. He taught me Jingle Bells first and I quit guitar lessons a week later. Pipe dreams, ya know? Anyway, Linds rockin an electric guitar at her mom’s wedding was SO RAD.

pinkslip

13. Cinderella- The Cheetah Girls, The Cheetah Girls

Ideally “Cheetah Sisters” would be on this playlist but it’s actually a real snooze of a song for like the first minute and no one is gonna sit around for that. This song is actually good, so you’re welcome, everyone’s ears. The Cheetah girls introduced me to stupid handshakes, excessive animals prints, and the fact that names like Galleria, Aqua and Dorinda even existed. #Culture. Thanks Disney Channel. 3LW obviously carried the group and I’m grateful they demoted their careers for this flick. Plus they gave me a reason to still regularly say “We’re Cheetah Girls, Cheetah Sisters” every time someone else wears a cheetah print on the same day as me. (It happens more often than you would think.)

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14. Forever- Jesse & The Rippers, Full House

YAASSSSS. SING IT TO ME, UNCLE J. This song is probably the best song to ever come out of a TV show…it was also #1 in Japan, domo very much. Jesse & The Rippers were the shit and I could’ve put any of their songs on this mix but this one deserves it the most because it was written for Becky and it’s adorbz. Relationship goals. Plus it has an actual music video featuring a very shirtless Jesse. Lick.

jesseforever 

15. Bella’s Finals- Barden Bellas, Pitch Perfect

Since I tortured you with some real weird 90’s and Disney songs on this playlist, we shall end the same way we started…with fire flames. The Barden Bellas are the badass bitches of the accapella world and this mashup they did to win the finals should win all the awards ever. It’s also a really great drinking song.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of April 6th

1. Tyra Banks/Eve buzzed her head. EVE’S GREAT NO MATTER WHERE SHE GOES, DRESS HER UP FROM HER HEAD TO HER TOES. No seriously the only reason I’m ever reporting anything about Ty-Ty is because it gives me an excuse to shout it out to Eve from critically acclaimed film Lifesize and also post the infamous Tyra meltdown from America’s Next Top Model. Happy Friday folks. It’s the little things that get me through the day. Actually though I think that Tyra Banks is Eve the human Barbie doll and genuinely got this haircut so she could be a business woman because her quote she gave to People about the big snip is that it makes her feel like a “futuristic businesswoman.” Shine bright, shine far. BE A BUSINESSWOMAN WITH A PIXIE.

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The "TyTy Chop" as seen on Eve. (Thx @arry_ka)

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2. Selena will be brought back as a creepy hologram to tour. Call me wacky, but I’m just the type of person that wouldn’t pay money to see a dead person reincarnated as a digital image singing in concert. Seriously though can we cut the shit with the hologram biz and just let the dead R.I.P? Selena’s sis Suzette said “By no means is this something that’s creepy or weird.” Hey Suze, that’s EXACTLY what this is. You’re trying to get singers to collaborate with a dead person for fresh material to get new fans for someone who is no longer living. This is the definition of creepy and weird. More importantly, I really hope the hologram will have an updated style.

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3. Jennie Garth is engaged…not to Dylan. Damn it Kelly, I really thought you and Dylan would be married by now. JK guys, just a little 90210 humor for ya. I think I had too much coffee this morning. Whatever. I took the Jennie Garth/Peter Falcinelli divorce pretty hard, which is probably weird but whatever they seemed like a fab couple. HOWEVER I’m happy to see that she has moved on because she’s still a dime piece so congrats Kelly Taylor.

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4. Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt Go OG. 

MIC DROP. I watched the first episode of this show like I said I would and there was way too much LL Cool J lip licking and not enough John Krasinski–well his wife threw DOWN this week and convinced me even more that they’re one of the coolest couples in Hollwood. They can hang. Even Anne Hathaway tried not to be the most hated and stepped her game up, get it in those leather pants girl. A+ all around.

5. The Longest Ride comes out this weekend and if you’re female you’ll probably like it….because:

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Do the right thing.

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