Television

CMA Awards 2015 Recap

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Welcome to “Country music’s biggest night,” this month.

Cause nothing gets me ready for the impending 9 months of winter quite like watching performances of my favorite country songs about boozin’ in the summer. Looking past that fact though I think everyone in America can agree that we can divide last night’s awards show into two categories: BJT & AJT. Before JT and After JT. Also note to future country singers hoping to sweep the awards: bring your buddy Justin Timberlake. But more on that below…here are the hits and misses of the night’s bits, performances & audience reactions.

No, Thank You:

-Hey, I get that Star Wars is making a hot comeback this year but did we need to start shoving it down America’s throats like 5 months early? I’m out on Star Wars. So as you can imagine, the opening bit with Brad as Guitar Solo, Carrie as Carrie Fisher and Garth Vader turned Luke Vader didn’t do it for me.

-Obviously fresh on everyone’s brains (because we’re reminded of it every five minutes) is the Blake/Miranda divorce and it needed to be addressed. Unfortunately, Carrie & Brad started with “the breakup we can’t ignore” and then tossed it over to Miss Piggy and Kermit. I’m actually more fired up about the Muppets taking over than I am with Star Wars. Enough with the puppet publicity.

-Related to my last point but not a part of the show, Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani waited until right when the show was beginning to have their reps officially announce they’re a couple, making it red carpet fodder. DOUCHE move. Seriously, #TeamMiranda all the way.

-William Shatner got drunk (I assume) came onstage in a storm trooper costume and shat all over the joint.

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-Zac Brown Band sang off key a whole lot.

-Brett Eldredge never performed and yet he has a brand new album…how does this add up CMA?! HOW?!

-Carrie performed “Smoke Break” looking like a smoke, obv.

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-Every year they throw pop acts into the mix and hope for musical magic and every year there’s duets that crash and burn.(Wink.) This year was Fallout Boy with Thomas Rhett. They did “Crash & Burn” first followed by “Uma Thurman” where essentially both of them held back their natural style of singing while red-lipped body suit ho’s gyrated around them. It was inspiring.

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– Luke Bryan performs a slow number without his backwards hat. WHY EVEN PERFORM? #DesertSandstormUndies

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-Miranda rocks the shit out of her performance of “Bathroom Sink” and ABC acts supes mature and doesn’t once give us a reaction shot from Blake. BOOOOO. I want to see the regret in his eyes.

-I was forced to eat all the nice words I gave Kacey for her red carpet look when she did too much outfit and special effects-wise for her performance. There were literal My Little Pony graphics parading in the background.

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Yes, Please:

-Carrie Underwood’s crack in the monologue about “some dude” calling women in country tomatoes and the camera pans to three men in the audience with stone cold expressions who probably hate women…and tomatoes.

-John Mellencamp & Keith Urban were the opening hair cr3w. John sported some fluffy locks and Keith had his usual mom going through a mid-life crisis haircut so putting the two of them together was top entertainment for me. Also they sang “Ain’t that America”, which always slays. MURICA. HOME OF THE HAIR.

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-Brad invented the phrase “Sam Hunting” to refer to the art of talking and transitioning to song. Thank GOD someone ribbed on him for this because it’s not okay. Talking mid-song sucks and Sam abuses the privilege just because he’s swoonworthy.

-JT got mad screen time right off the bat when Brad shouts it out to him then hopes for a performance of “that song about Christmas that he just can’t put his finger on.” I’ll put my finger on it. If it’s cool with Jessica, of course. But seriously, show Justin’s pretty face as much as possible.

-Little Big Town slayed Girl Crush as per usual (but please start performing another single, I’ve seen this one a lot) and blondie gave me silver skirt goals.

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-Eric Church channeled a sunglasses-wearin Beyonce and dropped a surprise album mid-show, which was much more exciting than either of his performances.

-Chris Stapleton owns the MF’ing night. Had quite literally no idea who this bearded fellow was before last night and suddenly he’s the stuff and also BFF’s with Justin. Just as long as he doesn’t try to take JFal’s place I’m cool with it. But seriously according to me and EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON at the awards show his collab with JT was the performance of the night. Tennessee Whiskey was first, followed by Drink You Away and they tore that shit wide open. There was a girl also singing with them but her name isn’t Justin Timberlake and therefore she remained in the shadows, literally I don’t think she had her own spotlight. (Re-watch full performance here.)

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-Follow up to the actual performance, which was bananaland good, the country stars in the audience could not even with JT and it made me feel so much better about sitting completely still on my couch grinning at the TV. Specific shout out to Keith Urban whose undies were probably more soaked then mine…he cheered & danced and screamed like a fangirl with an I ❤ JT poster all while filming the whole thing on his iPhone. One guy had actual tears. Most of the girls just drooled openly. It was amazing to see everyone lose their cool for JT and the Tennessee Kids duetting with the largest beard I’ve seen in a while.

-Even though it didn’t matter what the hell FGL did because they followed Chris & Justin, I still had to throw a little fashion appreciation their way because it made me laugh out loud. Gone were the vests that I have plagued for years and the replacement was Brian wearing a harness and a feather necklace. No hang on, necklace is overstating it. He was wearing an actual full feather hanging off a string.Upon second glance there was a feather in his back pocket as well. I don’t know what I expect from two men who live in actual treehouses but it still gets me every time.

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-Pentatonix does a quick accapella country ditty and the audience lost their shit over it. Everyone was all in on their 2 second performance and it was really cute and well deserved cause this group is more talented than the Barden Bellas. They even got a standing O.

-Miranda wins Female Vocalist and you can tell she’s not sure how to handle the cameras but Luke swoops in and hugs her. What a gentleman. I almost forgive him for his lack of hip gyrations. In Miranda’s thank you she says, “I appreciate it, I needed a bright spot this year.” YOU GOT THIS GRRRRRLLLLL. KILL ‘EM.

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-Chris Stapleton wins his third award of the night and tears up. He’s humble and sweet and grateful and we need more of him in America. Also it’s very clear that all the top country artists were rooting for him which gives me even more of the warm & fuzzies. Also not for nothing he has some pretty luscious locks that curl better than my own.

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-Luke thanks his “baby” and they show Garth Brooks. LoLz. That cameraman was swiftly fired. Then Luke-no baseball cap-Bryan also shouts it out to the cool kids of country in the front row to remind everyone who isn’t VIP that they suck at life.

 

Winners:

Single of the Year- Girl Crush by Little Big Town

Song of the Year- Girl Crush

New Artist of the Year- Chris Stapleton

Vocal Duo of the Year- FGL

Album of the Year- Chris Stapleton, Traveler

Vocal Group of the Year- Little Big Town

Female Vocalist of the Year- Miranda Lambert

Male Vocalist of the Year- Chris Stapleton

Entertainer of the Year- Luke Bryan

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Country, Music, Television

CMA’s Recap

cmas

Awards season dry spell is over, betches. If you’re a country fan and you fully committed to the 3 hour show (I’m going to assume not many of you) you can relive the highs and lows of last night right meow. If you missed the awards, you can skim through this and have something to discuss over your cubicle wall today. (Or if you’re me, cubicle window. Yeah guys, I get a cube window. BE JELLY.)

The opening performances went from blah to better. Kenny Chesney was first with a performance straight out of 1968. I’m shocked a hologram of Jimi Hendrix didn’t appear next to him to further the gimmick. It would’ve been nice if I had gotten the memo to drop acid before he took the stage, kinda rude don’t you think, ABC? I couldn’t even tell you what song Kenny played because I was just too distracted. The country hats and cowboy boots amidst the tie dye and school bus were a liiiiiitttle out of place. No worries though, quick rebound by transferring to Miranda Lambert and Megan Trainor doing a country version of All About That Bass. Great duet but the main takeaway here was that Miranda came in HOT trying to give Carrie a run for her money in the leg game. She challenged Carrie to defend the title. AND OF COURSE Carrie did. The great Leg-off of 2014 (see below). Okay I promise you that even though I sat through every single minute of this mostly snoozefest of a show, I will not give you a minute by minute recap. Here’s the breakdown–

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Best Moments:

-Carrie’s outfit changes. Edge of my seat waiting to see what was next.

-The elephant in the room. Carrie & Brad address T. Swift in their opening monologue stating that Nashville is suffering from “Postpartum Taylor Swift Disorder”. Laughs are had at the expense of Nashville being thirsty Swifties. Our girl T may not have been country for a few years but it warmed my icy heart to see that no matter what country music has her back.

-Steven Tyler is the first presenter & has a jam sesh with Carrie and Brad to “Crying”. It was staged but still pretty great. Also Steven was wearing shoes and I think we can all appreciate that. (If you want nightmares google image search Steven Tyler’s feet)

-Brett Eldredge wins New Artist of the Year and I listened to his acceptance speech with my eyes glued to the TV and a creepy grin on my face. He 100% deserves it and I’m proud of my future husband for snagging that award.

-Brad spends a few minutes of his hosting duty eating cheeseballs out of a baby carrier. Brought me back to the days of housing a full tub of cheezeballz guilt free. Ahh, college.

-Keith Urban performs “Somewhere in My Car”. He’s the stuff and so is that song.

-Little Big Town performs Day Drinking and then Ariana “Bang Bang” Grande sashays onto the stage and they all sing her song with light up dresses. Judging this against the other performances it was great, because I stayed awake for it, but I would’ve preferred them trying to mix country and pop rather than sing a country song and then a pop song. It was odd.

-Miranda debuts a sassy new bob that kills it and her and Blake proceed to snatch up all the awards with an effortless “it’s almost as if we don’t do this every year” vibe.

-The Doobie Brothers take the stage with Hillary Scott, Jennifer Nettles & Hunter Hayes and play some good ole classic rock. Jennifer Nettles spends the entire performance with her mouth open and literally can’t find her chill. Hunter Hayes was on guitar and was just grateful to be able to play with the big kids.

-Luke Bryan wins Entertainer of the Year and we get to look at his pretty face more. Note: no hip movement whatsoever (see worst moments list)

Worst Moments:

-Is there anything worse than networks throwing two random people together to present an award and then writing compliments for them to read from the teleprompter to each other? It’s awkward and gives everyone the uncomfies. Stop doing it.

-Taylor gets a best and worst spot because she was actually nominated for female vocalist of the year and SHE WASN’T EVEN THERE. Girl, they just declared their support for you and you big-timed them? If we’re being honest I’m probably more bitter about her not showing up because her awkward crowd dancing & dramatic reactions were SORELY missed. NO ONE owns an awards show crowd like Tay.

-Florida Georgia Line wins Vocal Duo of the Year and mullet sneaks that G-D DISGUSTING VEST back in. Hey bro, it is NEVER sexy to wear a vest with no shirt underneath. If you also browsed my fashion recap you’ll see that I put FGL on the best dressed list JUST because they both put actual shirts on. Well GUESS WHAT, you two clowns are officially revoked from my best dressed list. Boom. Roasted.

-Kacey Musgraves and her goofy outfits/hair and her honky tonk barn music.

-Little Big Town winning Vocal Group of the Year and all shouting random things at once as an acceptance speech. Mic etiquette, guys, ever heard of it? Designate ONE speaker.

-Luke Bryan performs a slow song and DOES NOT shake it for me. This should be illegal. Every girl in America was disappointed Luke, just so you know.

Just For Ratings:

-Ebola.

-Renee Zellweger

-Carrie Underwood whispering the gender of her baby to Brad Paisley, setting him up to “let it slip”, and then mentioning it every five minutes. THE PAGEANTRY. THE RATINGS. It’s a BOOYYYY.

-The amount of almost vag slips. Ariana Grande wearing her typical bra and mini skirt, Kacey Musgraves cutting it too close for comfort and Ashley Monroe performing with Blake in a sequin tee, no pants. We don’t need to see it to know it’s there, girlz.

-ABC doing their best to confuse you about which CMA’s are real. The ones you’re literally watching, or the ones they’re teasing every commercial break in the Nashville promo for next week. DOES THIS MEAN RUKE/LAYNA AREN’T REALLY NOMINATED? Please advise.

If you noticed that I didn’t include many performances in my recap it’s because most of them were suuuuuper snoozeworthy. Let’s step it up next time, gang, look alive…give me a reason to stay up past my bedtime. Aaaand that’s all–go forth and spread the country music word, my friends.

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