Music

Taylor Swift – folklore.

Alright gang, here we are, back again together so much sooner than expected to hear ALL of my unfiltered thoughts on every single song off of T’s new album. I’ve spent the entire weekend getting in my feels and listening to it so that I can bring you some hot takes on where her 8th studio album falls in the lineup. Right out the gate, this surprise drop inconvenienced me because I wasn’t able to skip on over to Target and get a hard copy for all of my listens. I’m still waiting on my deluxe edition to be shipped so I had to listen to Spotify like a poor (why aren’t digital downloads a thing when you purchase a physical CD?) which also means that I will not be able to review the bonus track until that bad boy arrives. Otherwise, let’s dive in to all the tales she told on this album.

1. the 1. “I’m doing good, I’m on some new shit” is one HELL of a way to kick off a surprise album. Also this is now the only appropriate response to “how are you?” for the rest of 2020. Strong first track and pretty much everyone who I yapped about this album to agreed. It’s easily my favorite song on folklore. And that’s saying a lot as Taylor just keeps making her albums longer and longer, thus forcing me to really pull a lot of commentary out of my ass these days to deliver these track by tracks blogs. Anywho, great beat to this and loving that it plays right into my hands of being a bitter cynic that thinks no one stays together anymore with “you know the greatest loves of all time are over now.”

Best Lyric: I’m doing good, I’m on some new shit (OBVIOUSLY)

2. cardigan. I gave a brief review of cardigan while I was listening for the first time and I really hated that she chose this song to do the music video. I immediately gravitated to like 6 or 7 other songs upon first listen to this album and cardigan was not one of them. The music video was fine, the song is fine, but it was tough to be the first snippet of this album I heard, especially while forcing myself to stay awake past my bedtime to rabidly consume it. I think she made it the “single” so to speak because it definitely sets the weird hipster artistic vibes she’s aiming for on this album. Also amazing marketing tool by her once again to send influencers Taylor Swift cardigans. Kinda shitty I didn’t get one, I basically live in the snowbelt of America and could really use a cozy cardigan with Taylor Swift’s name on it but WHATEVER Tay.

Best Lyric: And when you are young, they assume you know nothing (it’s true tho.)

3. the last great american dynasty. So the biggest thing I took away from this album is that Taylor basically wanted to tell other people’s stories. Real, made up, old, new, whatever. So as literally every single foaming at the mouth news outlet will talk about how each song is about Joe or Karlie Kloss (seriously, relax on the lesbian theories with those two)–I’m choosing to just enjoy the stories she’s telling and not overthink who they’re about. So I’m firmly Team Rebekah on this one. I love a divorcee who loves a good party. As far as the sound goes on this one, “I had a marvelous time” in that breathy Wildest Dreams voice really hits different. Made this a top song for me. That and the fact that she uses the word gauche. If I read that by itself I would never pronounce it correctly. But now that Taylor has sang it, I’m basically a wordsmith. Couldn’t tell you what I learned in college, a degree I’ll be paying for for the rest of my life, but now I know that gauche rhymes with goes and is a word for unsophisticated.

Best Lyric: The wedding was charming, if a little gauche / There’s only so far new money goes

4. exhile (ft. Bon Iver). I’ve never been a huge Bon Iver guy because he’s got a real sadboi voice and you certainly need to be in a mood for that type of music but call me a sadboi because I’m LOVING this song. It’s also very important for me to say (and this will ONLY resonate with One Tree Hill stans) this is a Peyton song and there’s no other way around it. Specifically, a Peyton season 5 post-rejecting Lucas’s proposal and having to see him move on with someone else. When she’s opening that record label in Tree Hill and just basking in The National’s deep voice sadness:

Ya that’s where I’m at with this song. And that’s fine. Peyton was whiny as hell and had two moms die and a casual psycho stalker so it’s not like her life was peppy but we’ve all had some Peyton moments where you just want to drown in haunting voices and feel sorry about your life. This is the PERFECT song to do that to.

Best Lyric:I think I’ve seen this film before / And I didn’t like the ending (not the first time she’ll reference a film on this album)

5. my tears ricochet. Taylor coincidentally dropped her MOST romantic album last year at the same exact time I was going through a breakup. Obviously I was bitter as hell and not having an easy time identifying with her rainbows of LOVE songs which really put a damper not only on how I viewed the album, but also how difficult it was for me to review it. Like ok, we get it you’re in love EYE ROLL, whatever. It wasn’t a good time for her to brag about it in my personal life and honestly it was rude of her to not take that into consideration. The point of that ramble was to say that if Lover was about Love, folklore is about loss and struggle. AND THAT’S WHERE I LIVE, BABY. I’m LOVING this album because nobody knows how to get down in the dumps like ya gurl the Salty Ju. Dramatic lyrics about breakups? PILE IT ON ME, BOO. SO now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s first confront her singing “cause I looooooooved you, I swear I looooooved you” in an Irish brogue. We gonna let that one slide? Her dramatics in love and loss have caused her to try out a new accent? Besides that little slip up, I’m all in on this song.

Best Lyric: And if I’m dead to you, why are you at the wake? (Every drama queen’s first post-breakup caption SEND.)

6. mirrorball. This was the first one I came across in the lineup of listening that I wasn’t crazy about. It’ll probably be a skip for me. Definitely a retro feel to it of the times when dance contests were all the rage. To be perfectly honest I kept thinking of the episode of Gilmore Girls where they do the dance marathon and wear 50’s girl outfits and Dean dumps Rory. So apparently I’m just going to relate every song off of this album back to mid-2000s teen shows. Super fitting for me.

Best Lyric: And I’m still a believer, but I don’t know why

7. seven. Another skip for me unless I’m really wanting to get in touch with my Lilith Fair side. If I may relate it back to another pivotal teen show in my life, this 90’s chick singer throaty vibe she’s throwing sounds like something that would be on Dawson’s Creek. I half expect to see Joey tucking her hair behind her big ass ears and Dawson talking about how badly he wants to stop talking about sex and start having it in his giant army green cable knit sweater. I’m sorry. I can’t stop. I’m a teen soap monster.

Best Lyric: And I think you should come live with me / And we can be pirates (cause why not?)

8. august. Ok she got me back on this one. Summer is my favorite season of all time and also feels like it goes SO fast, so leave it to Taylor to put that into beautiful words and also use comparisons to wine to get my attention. August is the Sunday night scaries of summer. And we’re almost there, unfortunately so this is hitting a little too close to home right now. I’m not ready for fall. I’m NEVER READY FOR FALL. What helps a little bit is toward the end of the song when she gets a little pep in her step with “remember when I pulled up and said get in the car” and it was giving me a little Getaway Car flashback. Or, in dumber terms, my note in my phone for that part of the song is “YAAASSSSSSS.”

Best Lyric: For me, it was enough / To live for the hope of it all

9. this is me trying. This falls in middle ground territory. This song is neither great nor terrible. It’s got a lot of the elements that we’ve already seen her leaning into on this album. References to a failed relationship being a film, a breathy orgasmic outburst (AT LEAST I’M TRYING) and killer lyrics. The person contributing to lyrics genius claims this is a Taylor taking credit for her flaws in relationships song, and yet there’s a HEAVY undertone of this individual being an alcoholic, which I don’t believe Taylor is, so I think her fans really need to cool it on reading into every song relating directly back to her life. Also there’s a real divide between fans who think she secretly married Joe and fans who think she broke up with him and let me be clear ALL OF THESE THEORIES ARE CONCLUDED FROM PEOPLE OVER-ANALYZING HER LYRICS. God quarantine needs to end cause we all need to get a life. (FTR, I’m firmly in the Joe is her end game camp…so if they’re married I wouldn’t be surprised.)

Best Lyric: They told me all of my cages were mental / So I got wasted like all my potential / And my words shoot to kill when I’m mad / I have a lot of regrets about that (B2B bomb lyrics. Verse 2 packed a punch.)

10. illicit affairs. Maybe Tay wrote this one about her good bud JT. BAM. Ricochet shot. (I’ll never be over JT being a public cheater, oBViOuSlY.) I do really like this song for her going up into the high notes for random words. It’s like the musician version of putting a word in bold. I also giggled at “tell your friends you’re going for a run, you’ll be flushed when you return.” As if anyone could pass off banging in a hotel room as a quick jog.

Best Lyric: And you know damn well / For you, I would ruin myself / A million little times

11. invisible string. Oohh shit we’ve got a little banjo in the mix now! What a nice way to spice things up as I was just starting to move into a comatose state of synths. For the record, this does seem like a song about Joe. She had to sneak one in somewhere. It was only fair. So we’ll rap about how she references the song Bad Blood, which apparently Joe heard in a cab in LA, a reference to the yogurt shop he used to work at, the dive bar where they hung out that she referenced in delicate and then there’s a little part about boys who broke her heart and now she sends their babies presents. Which led to an unfortunate headline on one of the gossip rags about how Taylor Swift is sending Joe Jonas a baby gift. And honestly, she dated Joe for a brief mo when she was like 18 and he dumped her on a 30 second phone call so are we really doing a callback to that garbage relashe? I feel like people are so desp to create headlines out of her lyrics that they’re really starting to reach. Either way, another lovely ode to her current relationship–he gets paper rings AND invisible strings.

Best Lyric: Hell was the journey but it brought me heaven

12. mad woman. Our first Taylor Swift F bomb. THIS IS AN OCCASION. Taylor has been OVERLY PG on most of her albums. I believe we got our first swear on Reputation (shit) and nothing has ever escalated beyond that. So to get a straight F bomb–AND have it not be the only one on this album. Praise be, our girl’s all grown up! My trash mouth that can’t STOP F bombs from flying is v. proud of her for this. But also this is a classic Taylor feminist song. Pointing out the double standards of men vs. woman and showing that passionate females are treated like they should be committed. This tune could be a GREAT soundtrack for the latest Dirty John season because Betty Broderick was a straight up MAD WOMAN.

Best Lyric: Or does she mouth, “Fuck you forever”? (Adding forever in really makes this curse slap harder.)

13. epiphany. This is a church hymn. Since I’m not in the business of listening to prayers, chants and church jingles in my free time, I’m fully out on this song. It’s like the “it’s nice to have a friend” of this album. Immediate skip. Sorry not sorry. It’s apparently about her grandfather serving in the war, which is ironic because it gives me PTSD to high school when I had to go to church every Sunday and if I missed one I had to go to confession. (Obviously that is said with the most sarcasm, being at war has no comparison to going to church in white suburbia so pls don’t cancel me.) TYSM.

Best Lyric: Only twenty minutes to sleep / But you dream of some epiphany / Just one single glimpse of relief / To make some sense of what you’ve seen

14. betty. This was like ALL THE RAGE the day the album came out that Taylor released the name of Blake Lively and Ryan Reynold’s third child that they hadn’t announced yet. To think that Taylor who has everything planned and pre-meditated about her music and her marketing and how she puts herself out there would have just casually decided to out a child’s name without their parent’s permission is straight idiotic. I can guarantee you that she wrote the song and immediately sent it to them and asked for their feedback. So everyone trying to call her a bad friend needs to take a page from Lover and CALM DOWN. She happened to toss their collection of RANDOM ASS names into this song. Like honestly Blake and Ryan seem pretty normal (for being gorgeous and rich celebs) and yet named their three girls James, Inez & Betty. K. Anyway, now that we’ve established that she used their names and they have absolutely nothing to do with the song, let’s talk about how this is an OG Taylor smash. It’s got all of the early, crimped hair, Christmas Tree farm in backwoods PA sounds to it and I love this nostalgic flashback. That harmonica, OOOooOO Baby. Also, notably, another F bomb.

Best Lyric: Standing in your cardigan / Kissin’ in my car again (what a rhyme.)

15. peace. The second this song started I was like am I listening to a John Mayer song? That guitar coming in right off the bat was an ode to J.May if I’ve ever heard one. And guess what? I love John Mayer so this worked out perfectly. I dig the stripped down guitar vibes and also this song had the most ME lyric of all time (see below) that I quite literally gasped when she sang it. So that certainly helps.

Best Lyric: I’d give you my sunshine, give you my best / But the rain is always gonna come if you’re standin’ with me (UM HI IT’S ME, PERPETUAL RAIN CLOUD FOLLOWING WHEREVER I GO, WAITING TO DUMP A RAINSTORM RIGHT ON MY HEAD.)

16. hoax. Not a strong finish for me. It sounds a lot like cardigan so this makes sense. It’s just giving me uneasy, eerie feels. Considering her drowning with her piano in dark choppy waters for the cardigan video gave me night terrors, I’m not so into feeling the creeps from a song. So moving forward, folklore will start with the 1 and end with peace. And that’s a wrap, folks.

Best Lyric: You knew you won so what’s the point of keeping score? (Another bomb sassy post-breakup zinger.)

BONUS TRACK – the lakes. TBD whenever my stupid CD comes in the mail. Thanks for making everything more complicated by cutting Target out of the deal, TAY.

 

OVERALL ALBUM NOTES: I may be biased because I’ve been a Taylor stan my whole life but I commend the way that she can create a whole mood for each album. She’s pushed herself to make albums that sound completely different from each other and are so cohesive like a CD storytime. There’s quite literally a T.Swift album for every vibe that you could be feeling and I think that’s a really cool way to approach music. I mean if you want to scream F the world, you hit up Reputation, if you want to brag about meeting your soulmate–you pop in Lover and if you want to have profound thoughts and tell ghost stories, you fire up this bad boy. Obviously this is a slower record and much more for deep listening and none of these will ever be called bops, BUT I would also argue that it’s her strongest songwriting record. She’s always been a phenomenal songwriter giving fans relatable lyrics, but reaching and telling other people’s stories just added to that and I’m guessing because it probably started from her just writing away while in quarantine. I too have been writing away while in quarantine but my writing has a lot of swears and I’ve never once used a word like clandestine because I couldn’t even tell you what it means. Different strokes for different folks. That’s why we love Taylor–the word play, the references & easter eggs and of course, the dramatics when it comes to loves lost, I think this was a hot to trot lyrical masterpiece.

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Television

Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life Recap

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Like every other female in America, I binged the revival of Gilmore Girls this holiday weekend. And since I can’t keep my opinions to myself, like EVER, I decided to blog some hot takes on the return of our favorite overly-caffeinated yappers. As a series I’d like to say that this is the only reboot that I wholeheartedly approved of. There was an actual story to tell and it wasn’t just a recycled show with tryhard jokes. Even all of the side characters had topical storylines that made sense for them and were also entertaining. i.e. Kirk creating Ooober, Taylor eliminating sewer systems, Michel having kids but still hating them. So I tip my Lorelai Gilmore winter paper boy cap to the Palladino’s on this one.

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And now here are my gut reactions, with some spoilers–it makes more sense for you to read this if you’ve already watched–but the major reveal isn’t until the end when I will spoil “the last four words” but I’ll give you ample warning to look away because I am not a savage. Also, I feel like I gave everyone ample time to binge. If my mother who has 6 cups of coffee and is chomping at the bit to run errands before 6AM could sit still for hours on Saturday/Sunday to watch this with me, you’ve been given enough time to finish. (Shoutout to Cin who learned that the greatest accomplishment of my generation is the ability to lie on the couch motionless for entire days binge watching Netflix. It’s a hardship, really.)

1. Lorelai’s Hair. Whoever made the decision to give her a bouffant for 90% of this series needs to be fired immediately, or at least forced to look at it for roughly 6 hours like I did. Lorelai has beautiful brown wavy hair. It looked good literally every other way–even  in a messy bun–and yet the poof was forced down our throats making her look old and outdated. Let’s not even get started on her erect little ponytail directly atop her head like a unicorn horn the day before her wedding. God Bless Luke for seeing that pony bouncing toward the sky during her “pre-wedding workout” and still wanting to spend the rest of his life with it. See below for very real visuals of what I’m talking about and also a reminder to us all that the poof should never make a comeback.

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2. Paris Geller Got Funnier with Age.

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Paris was always high strung and pretty terrifying but also a little comic relief in Gilmore Girls. She kept things spicy by sleeping with a crypt keeper professor at Yale before she was 21 and also being a psychopath who needed crafts to calm down. I wasn’t expecting a lot but she downright stole every scene she was in. I found myself wanting more Paris. Her bullying of the Chilton headmaster about how he was using her donations followed by a glimpse into her broken family living in a house with too many stairs is everything I never knew I needed. Shouts to Paris for sneaking her way up the character rankings in adult life, AND almost starting a brawl in her high school bathroom.

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3a. Logan is still BAE.

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Itty bitty spoiler alert I guess. Although Entertainment Weekly spoiled this a week early so they’re the real monsters here. As if readers of a Gilmore Girls article wouldn’t know which boyfriend called Rory “Ace”. ANYWAY,  I always shipped Logan because I have a thing for pretty boys and also he adored Rory and made her life exciting and then she just HAD to go and pursue her dreams and a career in journalism instead of accepting his proposal. Definitely not still bitter. Logan apparently is NOT still bitter because he’s banging Rory every time she’s in London now. Even when he’s being a little bit slimy by cheating on his fiance, I still found myself rooting for them to be together forevz. That’s because with one dazzling smile and a drop of the key to his Maine house, I’m sold on Logan being the best boyfriend of all time. Logan cares about Rory’s career and personal problems, but also isn’t a total square. Which leads me to…

3b.I Want to be in The Life and Death Brigade. 

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lifeanddeathbrigade

Bringing back the ole Life and Death Brigade gang for a wild night of wearing weird costumes and getting hammered was easily the best scene in the whole series. Colin, Finn & Robert can hold their own as sloppy rich idiots and I wanted nothing more than to join them all for a weekend of boozing. Seriously, who’s in for a little rooftop golf and buying a speakeasy this weekend? Anyone? PLUS we got to see Rory let loose with Logan, which resulted in a full view of shirtless-perfectly-carved-abs Logan the next morning (which also most likely resulted in “THE LAST FOUR WORDS.”)

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4. Stars Hollow the Musical can kick rocks.

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This isn’t me hating on Sutton Foster or any of the new adds. I think the sprinkling of new characters and cameos kept things exciting and also realistic that Stars Hollow hasn’t remained the same 10 people for the past 9 years. All I’m saying is that this musical and Lorelai’s reactions to it were funny for about 2 minutes and then I wanted to drill a hole in my head. I did not need to see what felt like every single act of that play. It was terrible and the same punchlines could have been accomplished in much less time. It also shadowed over Summer and kind of made me hate that episode. Lorelai & Rory’s weird hippie outfits that seemed approps for laying out at a community pool pretty much put the nail in the coffin for Summer, so it wasn’t all the musical’s fault but IT WAS PRETTY CLOSE.

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(Unrelated to anything but did Reese Witherspoon produce this or does Amy Sherman-Palladino have like a massive girl crush on her? Between all the Draper James gear and Wild references it was basically one big french kiss to Reese. Hope she ‘preciates.)

5. The Boyfriend Everyone Forgot.

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Adding in that Rory is dating a guy named Paul that she can’t even remember she’s dating was perfect. Everyone was foaming at the mouth to see which ex she’d end up with, so putting her with a normal and cute guy who’s just boring AF was genius. I literally just had to look up his name because I wanted to call him Pete. Thank you Paul for being the butt of all jokes, if Rory can’t even remember to dump you, you’re a special breed of lame. Speaking of lame, I ALSO loved that my least favorite of Rory’s boyfriends, Dean the wiener got the shortest amount of screen time. He’s settled down in Ohio or something pumping out kids just like he was destined to do. Dean was a good high school boyfriend but he had the personality of a 2×4 and I’m ecstatic that we didn’t even dabble in the idea of him being a part of Rory’s current life. If you’re wondering how strongly I feel, I basically made my 5th highlight about Paul so that I could sneak in my rant about Dean.

SUPER SPOILER TIME. 

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No seriously. I’m about to break down those INFAMOUS last four words. Or three, if you can count, and WE CAN COUNT, AMY! (“Mom, I’m pregnant” is T-H-R-E-E words.)

Anyway, SURPRISE! Rory’s preggers and it’s probably Logan’s. Or at least that’s what I’m choosing to believe. Why? Because it simply cannot be a wookie one night stand lovechild and also, in my personal theory it will bring this whole thing full circle. (This very well may be a proven theory and widely written about by now, but I fired this off before reading any other fan recaps, so pls forgive me if this is NOT original as I assume I’m not the first one to come to this conclusion.) Lorelai had her Christopher and her Luke. Yes she was a teen mom so that makes it a little different but those were her two main guys while raising Rory on her own. Christopher and Logan are essentially the same guy. Even the writers have pointed this out. They’re both prep school rebels who hate their dads and begrudgingly end up in the family biz. Jess is much like Luke in the sense that they’re both simple guys who don’t love to show their feelings and lead a quiet life. Jess is obviously still in love with Rory because he creeped on her through the picture window at the end of “Fall”. Therefore in my assessment of the situation, Rory will decide to raise baby on her own (much like Lorelai did), Jess will be involved in their lives and lusting after Rory, Logan will probably not be as involved because he leads a different lifestyle and will most likely marry a twat to please his father but he’ll pop up here and there to make things interesting because him and Rory still have a thing too, obv. DID WE JUST GET A SPINOFF? YUP. Sorry, I’m watching Step Brothers as I write this and apparently got a little to excited. But seriously, I would watch the SHIT out of Gilmore Girls Jr. Both Jess AND Logan on my TV every week? Yes please. Let’s make this happen.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/14/16

1-3. People continues to disappoint. 

What once was a joyous occasion, the unveiling of People’s Sexiest Man Alive, has quickly turned into an annual disappointment. In my early blog days I wrote a thinkpiece (whiny bitch blog) about how Ryan Gosling has never won and Chris Hemsworth didn’t deserve the title. I shit pretty hard on People. Then last year they listened and gave the honor to David Beckham, which was the most deserved. This year, I’m out again. Sure, The Rock is funny and looks gr8 in a turtleneck and mom jeans but that doesn’t make a sexiest man alive. Before I get on a rant…here’s  a quick list of five hot guys who are killing it this year, and deserve the cover just as much.

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Scott Eastwood is getting more movies after his Nicholas Sparks debut, he was a T Swift love interest and he looks like that. So yeah, he’s a contender.

Brett makes bangarang country music and DELIVERS on snapchat with a segment he calls “Bedhead Jams” where he serenades me (and ME ONLY) right before he goes to bed. It’s what dreams are made of, literally. Honorable mention to Edgar his new puppy who he cuddles sometimes for bedhead jams and it literally causes my heart to explode. Doesn’t get more classic than hot guys and puppies.

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Young Joe Biden. Nuff said.

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2016 is straight up the year of Milo. This Is Us is snagging up those ratings with his hot sensitive dad thing and also Team Jess forever, he’s about to rock out a Gilmore Girls comeback as well. Welcome back, Milo. We’ve missed you.

Kris Bryant - Portrait

Shoutout to Kris Bryant, my #1 sexiest man alive of the moment, and the reason I became a Cubs fan during the World Series. I’m so glad I hopped aboard the Cubbies wagon when I did because they won the damn thing, Kris’s smile and ocean eyes mesmerized me on the winning play and also I got to learn the words to Go Cubs Go, which is a real hit song. I’m sure everyone appreciated me singing it drunk at the bar the following weekend. Anyway, Kris just won MVP and it would’ve been pretty sweet if he could’ve won that and a title for being sexy all in the same week. Whatever, People. Kris you’ll always have my heart as my first MLB boyfriend. Props to my dad who pointed him out to me then told me I definitely had a chance.

And as a bonus add:

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Because until he wins I’ll petition every single year. An all around entertainer and hunky slab of meat, JT has deserved to take home this W the most.

4. Meh on the Weekend. I’m very outspoken in the fact that Continuum is on my top ten CD’s of all time and I could listen to it forever and ever. Those were the days…back when JayMay was a little bit racist in Rolling Stone but crushed the soulful music. Then he disappeared and came back soft and put out shitty music. When he announced new music last week I was rubbing my hands together in anticipation and I gotta be honest I feel a little let down. I’ll give it a chance because JT’s big comeback was Suit & Tie (barf forever) and then he crushed it with the 20/20 experience but still…not impressed big J.

5a. Lucas Scott, the novelist. Chad Michael Murray wrote a romance novel and it’s not called The Comet. Psh. Sounds lame AF. No seriously though, I got excited for a Lucas Scott original IRL until I saw that it was an adventure novel with dabbles of romance. Count me OUT.

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5b. In related news, the OTH gang reunited for the 100th convention last weekend in Chicago (where Sophia Bush films her TV show) and they still could only get about 4 characters to show up. We did get a little Scott brothers action though and for that I am thankful.

Bonus points for Taylor James making an appearance. CAUSE WHAT IS A OTH CONVENTION WITHOUT HER?!

I realize I kind of mailed in the JUice this week and for that I apologize and leave you with this picture of a FLAWLESS* Blake Lively hitting the red carpet for the first time since baby numero dos was born.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/2/16

1. THE KING IS BACK. 

When JT started teasing new music this week, I almost had to change my undies right on the spot. That’s how much I missed his beats. And him, in general. As I type this it’s Thursday night and I specifically stayed up 10 more minutes to hear it when it dropped at midnight. AND OBVIOUSLY IT’S FIRE FLAMES. When does summer officially start? May 6th. Put it in your science books because JT just started summer with this bangpiece. (Just so we’re all on the same page, we’re all pretending this isn’t a song for animated trolls.)

2. I mean, obviously.

Look I’m not a huge shipper of Gwen especially after she started dating Blake Shelton and the two of them tossed it in everyone’s faces constantly because they started banging on a show they both worked on (how original) but bring in Clooney and Julia Roberts and I’m sold. I mean seriously, I can’t sit still for 10 minutes without checking my phone or gazing off into space but these 10-15 minute carpool karaokes keep me riveted.

3. Let’s go back, back to the beginning. I follow the former Laguna Beachers on Insta specifically waiting for a moment like this. No seriously, if I unfollowed them and missed this it would sooook, which is why I put up with all the posts about how they’re so grown up and getting married and having babies and totally distancing themselves from when they were dumb high school idiots who threw bougie black and white parties and benefits at a hotel just so they could drink. Anyway, if this isn’t a teaser enough, something’s definitely brewing in the Laguna world with the B-list stars. I mean seriously…who invited Christina and Morgan to ever participate in anything entertainment related again? I’m also guessing JWahl is slumming it because his addiction appearances with Dr. Drew were drying up. Try all you want but ya’ll will never be LC. (Making Bambi inspired t-shirts for Kohls.) JK, JK. If you want to reminisce about Laguna before whatever this might be airs, check out my prized and well researched ‘Guna blog here.

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And……. Here we go! @alexmurrel

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Let's go back … Back to the beginning 😜

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4. A peek into my future if I have accidental kids. Female ensemble comedies are all the rage these days and here’s a new one about being shitty moms who like to party.

5. Tha Carters bathe in money. Beyonce dropped Lemonade a couple weeks ago about how Jay cheated on her, essentially cashing in on the ‘vator scandal. And everyone’s like ooohhh ahhhh, Jay-Z better WATCH HIMSELF. Uh, CTFD, this is obviously a business plan and part 2 is Hova’s response album. Cha ching, cha ching TIIDAALLLLLL. I wouldn’t be surprised if Blue hopped in the studio next for an exclusive Beyhive Jr. album. Anyway, I approve wholeheartedly. The world is a better place for getting to hear marital drama play out on spicy new songs. Plus the graphic tee world needed a refresh from all the “But first, coffee” tees and “Becky with the good hair” is a fine place to start. So thank you, Illuminati.

BONUS:

Their eyes are photoshopped right? Either way, Team Logan 4ever.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/4/16

I took two weeks of from JUicin (I realize how disgusting that verb sounds) because Hollywood was really boring me and I didn’t want to in turn, bore you. I’m thoughtful AF, what can I say. Hopefully this week’s updates are worthy. If they’re not, WUTEVER, I tried.

1. Idol is OVER. PSYCH!

Last night was the finale of American Idol and everyone was like wait that’s still on? But apparently it wasn’t really the finale because the creator said this week that it’ll be back and then when Ryan Seacrest had the phoniest “Goodbye America”, he tacked on “for now” at the end. Don’t do this to yourself, Idol. It’s like when 7th Heaven was like whoa 10 seasons is a lot…time to throw in the cap and then came back for an 11th and everyone was like no we’re done with you. Don’t get fanfare about leaving forever and then be like gotcha! We’re back! American Idol is dead. And while we’re at it I’m going to declare The Voice dead. Ooohh sue me. Singing competitions don’t accomplish anything but recently divorced coaches romancing each other and a bunch of people repeatedly being nicknamed after their plight in life. i.e. “Give it up for the once homeless David!” I didn’t expect to rant there but it happened and I’m glad everyone knows how I feel about singing competitions. Now for the good stuff. Kelly Clarkson’s bang piece medley, Carrie’s legs, and Brian Dunkelman getting a paycheck again. Good for you Dunks!

FOX's "American Idol" Finale For The Farewell Season - Show

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2. Anne Hathaway’s Baby.

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One of Hollywood’s most hated (for no reason, really) just popped out her baby and gave us all another reason to knock it off with all that hatefire. Her and hubby named him Jonathan Rosebanks Shulman. Since I often report on the dumbest names in Hollywood I thought it would be nice to commend Anne for this very classic and normal name.

3. The Little Mermaid LIVE. When I first saw that the Hollywood Bowl was doing The Little Mermaid Live I assumed it was a show that would then probably be taped and sold to a network. So when I saw that Sara Bareilles was Ariel I was like cool where the F is her long lucious red locks? And when I saw that Rebel Wilson would play Ursula I genuinely felt bad. I mean it can’t be a great thing to have someone be like, you know what, you would NAIL IT as Ursula.

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Then I used my first grade reading skills to actually find out more about it, (I graduated college, nbd) I realized that they’re just playing the film on silent and doing the voices live. Which is SO MUCH WEIRDER. Who pays to see a movie with new voices? Also, John Stamos will be joining in. Because OF COURSE.

4. Gilmore Girls Gossip. Since everyone wouldn’t let it the F go that Melissa McCarthy wasn’t invited back to play Sookie on the Gilmore Girls reboot–which to be fair was really shitty of them and their classic cover-up of “she’s too busy” didn’t really cut it when Melissa was like yeah they never called–all is right again because Melissa will return to Stars Hollow after all. WHAT A SAVE.

Entertainment Weekly also dropped a little behind the scenes issue this week in which we learn that Rory is an English teacher (duh) and Luke and Lorelai are probs together if this photo of them holding hands is any indication. (Double duh) They didn’t really seem like the type of friends who thought handholding was casj.

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5. THA real LIP SYNC BATTLE.

No days of learning choreography, no fancy costumes or cross dressing, let’s get right back to the OG Lip Sync Battle where Jimmy channels his inner Zayn on the floor of the studio and Melissa eats a lot of leaves, rainwater and confetti while becoming one with nature and Pocohantas.

Bachelor Fans Bonus: OP Jr. has arrived.

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The woman that once rambled on about onion pomegranates, the Mesa Verde and asked worldly questions like “What are you? It doesn’t matter.” is now a mom. Let that sink in this weekend. Also Brooks is SUCH a TV name. Expect to see him on BIP in 20 years. (Because we all know it’ll never be cancelled.)

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/8/16

1. Squad Up. You come at the Queen, you best not forget she has an army that worships her. Kanye decided that truces are for lil bitches and debuted a new song last night at the Garden where he rapped that he could’ve had sex with Taylor Swift and also he made “that bitch” famous. And the entire world cringed. Immediate bestie reactions included:

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Getting a head start on some spring cleaning. Here we go again.

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#Mood Today ♥️ Hand in Hand

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Also, not for nothing, but do you think they’ll be selling these at the Great New York State Fair this year? I’d love to get one and maybe have them airbrush BaByGuRL at the bottom.

 

Double also, click here for Kanye’s self-involved babbling twitter rant that will probably be deleted right quick. Highlights include: Taylor came up with that lyric on her own, and his wife approved it so it’s Gucci. In addition, bitch is a term of endearment in the rap world. OKAY KANYE. #FACTS.

2. IT’S COMING. As the premiere date nears, the teasers are getting bigger and bigger (and my expectations get lower and lower.) This week 2 out of 3 Tanner sisters and a Gibbler debuted a new trailer on Ellen and talked more about the Olsen Twins because no one can let it the F go that they’re not a part of it. A little heavy on the “let’s nail every catchphrase from 1995 to show people what nostalgia looks like” but overall not horrible. I guess I didn’t realize until watching this trailer how perfect Deej is as a Danny 2.0. She was always a little neurotic and seeing her in this role makes complete sense. Can’t w8 to binge so hard on February 26th.

3. Craigslist Bros Get a Movie.

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Remember back when I was still in college and two Saratoga bruhs went viral for turning to Craig’s List for wedding dates? I do, because I almost applied. Why? Because they were hot and funny and going to a wedding in the town I lived in. HellooOo, OPEN BAR. Anyway, probably should’ve applied because they cashed in REAL hard on their 15 minutes of fame. They penned a book about how funny they are and then signed a movie deal allowing Zac Efron to play one of them. If that’s not winning, I don’t know what is. I wonder if they fought over which one was going to be played by Zac and which one by Adam Devine. Anyway, here’s the trailer for the movie. It looks pretty funny but seriously do these guys still live in the capital region? Get at me.

4. Where You Lead, I Will Follow (but maybe not)…

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Now that the Gilmore Girls reboot is official and starting to film, the comeback confirmations are piling up. Immediate sign-ons were obviously Lorelai, Rory, Luke, Emily then came the boyfriends Logan, Jess and Dean. And now they’re just F’ing with us and I’m not so sure if I’ll follow because they’ve thrown Sutton Foster into the mix, an actress who basically played a Lorelai carbon copy on Bunheads (produced by the same person as Gilmore Girls) and APRIL. THAT’S RIGHT. APRIL NARDINI the little NERD that broke up Luke & Lorelai is back to terrorize Stars Hollow. NO. THANKS. But really, I wouldn’t hate a Logan/Rory reunion, or a Jess/Rory reunion. Dean can kick rocks.

PS they’re literally bringing every character back except for Sookie. Which makes 0 sense. Kirk, Mrs. Kim, Lane, Paris, Michel, Christopher…everyone’s in except Melissa McCarthy. It’s gotta be a slap in the face that they would rather create a new character with Sutton Foster than bring back Sookie.

5. Ryan Reynolds is a DILF.

As if we didn’t already know this, but People felt the need to state the obvious and I’m not arguing it. RyRey getting another mag cover and probably hot bod spread really doesn’t bother me. Three cheers for DILFS and having the same taste in women. SERIOUSLY HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE LEGS?

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May your Valentines Day be full of trips to Red Lobster and mean muggin like Blue Ivy.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/19/15

1. Gilmore Girls is next aboard the Netflix ship.

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A series is never dead in today’s world. After Gilmore Girls reunited at the ATX Festival this year and we all saw that Lorelai hasn’t aged a minute, while Luke apparently hasn’t stopped aging, this obviously got the ball rolling for reunion rumors. Apparently creator Amy Sherman Palladino has had the last four words of the series written for like decades and now she’ll have her chance to show them with Netflix creating four 90 minute episodes and the grand sunset on Stars Hollow. As a Team Anyone But Dean gal, I’ll be anxious to see who will be the next in a lineup of very important boyfs for Rory, and obviously if they bring that little homewrecker April back I will send a strongly worded letter to Amy about how she’s betrayed everything I’ve ever believed in TV. Other than that, let’s see what they’ve got for those fabulous Gilmore Girls!

2. Adele is BACK.

I don’t really know how long she’s been gone but it was just the right amount of time if you ask me. I needed at least a year to get over the fact that while I was studying abroad in Florence they played Rolling in the Deep on repeat ad nauseum any time there was a speaker available. I think this made me irrationally angry toward Adele, but the beauty of it is she popped out a little nugget, disappeared for a hot second to be a mom and now I welcome her back with open arms, all irritations forgotten. Obviously she still has a powerhouse voice and her next album will sweep all the awards so it was nice knowin ya while it lasted, Sam Smith. No seriously, do you think Sam Smith heard this song and then sent Adele an anonymous letter that told her to go back into retirement because there’s only room for one soulful Brit to win all the awards in America? Just wondering.

3. Zooey Deschanel named her daughter something quirky.

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At this point I feel like the joke’s on us. Celebs put their heads together and say what will illicit the largest general audience eye roll for a baby name. First name: Elsie, Middle name: Otter. Although I commend the somewhat normal first name, they could have easily gone with River Otter if they really wanted to play into this but just the light touch of a furry water species that one would associate with campgrounds was apparently enough weird for them.

4. At the risk of beating a dead horse, Perfect got more Perfect.

Here’s the black and white music video for 1D’s perfect and if you were questioning if it actually is a response to Style, look no further than the several thousand artsy shots and closeups on Harry and that glossy, wild mane of his. The Hawaiian shirt though, really?

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5a. Tori Kelly goes Poc on us.

Apparently there’s a celeb Disney compilation CD in the works–including a J.Derulo version of Can You Feel the Love Tonight…gonna need that to enter my ears stat. But anyway, Tori the goddess of singing tackled Colors of the Wind. I’m going to be up front about it and say that I thought Pocahontas sucked as a Disney movie and I wouldn’t even think of giving this song a second listen but her version is obviously spectacular.

5b. Casting News. Mario Lopez joins Grease LIVE as Vince Fontaine, who if I remember correctly was somewhat of a creep. So not sure about that one. Also Chris Rock was announced as host of the Oscars this year and I hold out hope that having a standup comedian hosting again is just what we need to save ourselves from endless shitty bits and musical numbers that have turned past hosting gigs into trash city. Bonus points if he drops an uncensored F bomb while hosting. The world needs a little more edge is what I think.

BONUS: JT was inducted into the Memphis Hall of Fame this past weekend aka he came out of hiding aka he looked like a dime and was funny onstage and bro’ed out with his boyfriend Jimmy Fallon.

PS He slobbered all over his wife, his “rock” and said he loved her more than he could express in any song so I guess they’re pretty solid…whatever…

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Television

TV DILFS

I’m extending Father’s Day celebrations by a day so that we can properly commemorate the hottest dads that have graced our TVs. These fictional dads have made raising kids (woof) sexy and cool AF. Feast your eyes upon the top TV DILFS.

10. Deacon Claybourne- Nashville

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Although it came as a casual surprise to Deacon about 14 years after the fact that he was a dad, he has taken the job in stride (after the initial almost killing Rayna incident, oopsie.) His boozin past makes him edgy and mysterious while his parenting technique is singing duets.

Best Dad Moment: Bursting in on Maddie’s afternoon delight with her boyfriend Colt and recruiting Juliette to have the sex talk with her because it gives him the uncomfies.

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9. Rufus Humphrey- Gossip Girl

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Rufus had some glory days with his 90’s band Lincoln Hawk that quickly turned into being a single dad to the poorest kids on the Upper East Side. He doesn’t let that stand in the way of snagging former lover/rich bitch Lily van der Woodsen.

Best Dad Moment: Encouraging Dan to boink Serena. Also putting up with little miss trainwreck Jenny, which deserves all the awards.

8. Phil Dunphy- Modern Family

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Phil may be a little on the flamboyant side (see: his college cheerleading career) but his killer sense of humor and ability to memorize the dance moves to High School Musical are what makes him sexy.

Best Dad Moments: When he taught Alex about the powers of Jagermeister, shot Luke with a bebe gun and made his own shirt to move Haley into college.

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7. Dr. Derek Shepard- Grey’s Anatomy

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May he rest in peace, McDreamy had a way of piercing you with his blue eyes and then saving people’s lives, NBD but HBD. Though I can’t pinpoint a whole lot of fathering, he is eye candy and that’s all that matters. (Gone too soon.)

Best Dad Moment: Perching a tiara atop that head of lettuce and having tea with Zola.

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6. Elliot Stabler- Law & Order SVU

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Stabler investigates brutal rapes and murders from 9-5 but then goes home and is dad AF to his five(?) kids. He’s protective and brooding and one HOT STUFF law enforcer.

Best Dad Moment: Anytime he gets aggressive with someone he’s interrogating. Oh sorry, I got distracted…ummm probably when he burned his daughter Kathleen’s license so she’d stop getting DUI’s.

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5. Christopher Hayden- Gilmore Girls

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Technically Christopher was a shitty father for all of Rory’s childhood but have you seen him? Swoooon. He comes back into her life when he gets sneaky rich and then gets another shot at dad when he has little demon Gigi.

Best Dad Moment: When he gives Gigi whatever she wants to make her stop screaming like a devil child. Forever the bad boy dad.

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4. Jim Halpert- The Office

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Jim is probably the most romantic guy ever in TV history (bold statement, I stand by it) and also happens to have a killer sense of humor, as displayed in his life’s work to prank Dwight. Plus he has a great range of funny faces, which probably makes him a gr8 dad.

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Best Dad Moment: Finally succumbing to Halloween and doing a family costume.

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3. Jesse Katsopolis- Full House

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Our third and final rockstar dad, Jesse can command a stage with the Rippers, has iconic luscious locks and is a bonafide lady killer. When he finds out he’s having twins he loses his shit but once they’re born and he can finally tell them apart without matching up their footprints, he becomes a phenomenal dad who refuses to cut their hair.

Best Dad Moment: Putting doo rags and leather jackets on his babies for a family portrait.

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2. Nathan Scott- One Tree Hill

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Nathan Scott went from being the star of the Tree Hill Ravens and all around dick to married with a baby all before he graduated high school. But that didn’t stop him from being the sexiest teen dad this side of the river court…seriously have you seen him shirtless? He kept at his all-star basketball career (with a timeout to be paralyzed real quick) but also made sure to teach Jamie how to use condoms in high school how to be a baller and carry on the Scott traditions.

Best Dad Moment: Wearing a cape to Jamie’s school and showing everyone that Scotts are ALWAYS popular.

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1. Eric Taylor- Friday Night Lights

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Coach Taylor is the top dog of TV dads. He brings his football teams to state, has a hot ass wife with fabulous hair and invented “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose.” I mean, come on. Coaching horny teenage boys all day has essentially made Eric want to lock Julie (we’re disregarding Gracie Belle because she was obviously adopted from trolls) up for life, which makes for some very sassy and hilarious parenting.

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Best Dad Moment: Giving Julie the sex talk via a game of ping pong. (Please accept these ratchet screenshots in lieu of the clip, which was near impossible to find.)

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/8/15

1. You get a reality show, you get a reality show, YOU ALL GET REALITY SHOWS. Apparently this was the week of oh, you’d like to be relevant again? Here’s your own show. Nick Lachey and Drew Lachey will have a show called “Raising the Bar” about the two of them opening a bar in Ohio. More famous bro helping out less famous bro open business… Wahlburgers knock-off, anyone?

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Ja Rule is going against my strongly worded advice to start popping out more bangers with Ashanti and instead doing a show about his family on MTV. Snooze. No one wants to see you be a dad, Ja…everyone wants to hear about you doing dirty things to Ashanti in a classic rap song.

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And finally Rev Run and Tyrese will be starting up a talk show based off of their love/relationship advice book Manology. I’m not proud of the fact that I read most of Manology. PS I spent about 40 minutes at work trying to find a tweet from 3 years ago with a RIDICULOUS Tyrese quote from this book and failed miserably…So instead I’ll leave you with this gem of a quote from the book: “A real woman is a freak in bed. A chef in the kitchen. A therapist during hard times & a coach when you’re off your game.” Oh, ok that’s all we need to be? Easy peasy.

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2. The Kristen Wiig/Will Ferrell Lifetime movie is happening. And you bet your bottom dollar I’ll be watching. This teaser is RIVETING.

3. TV reunions GALORE at ATX. This is a festival in Austin, TX that is known for rallying TV casts and hitting up everyone’s nostalgia. This past weekend had a Gilmore Girls reunion/panel, a mini reunion of some of the Friday Night Lights cast and a table reading of a Dawson’s Creek episode (not read by the original stars..which is weird…gimme more Pacey). Anyway my little TV obsessed heart near exploded at all of the goods. Here’s some pics. Gilmore Girls is really doing the circuit so I wouldn’t be surprised at the announcement of some type of reunion in the works…it also needs to be said that Luke is WOOOF now. So disappointing. There was much debate about Team Dean, Team Jess or Team Logan (FTR, I’m team everyone BUT Dean. What a wiener.) And Hep Alien did a little show as well.

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Stars of FNL who played Mindy & Billy Riggins and Tyra Colette got drunk and joked about a reunion and everyone took it too seriously. Texas Forever.

4. Holly Madison airs Playboy Mansion secrets. Holly is releasing another book and basically shitting all over the Playboy mansion. Ever since the Girls Next Door reality show I’ve NEEDED to know about how 3 girls under 30 think it’s aok to share a 90 year old man. Holly described the nightly routine of getting ready for bed and then each getting a turn with Hef where it was over as quickly as it had begun and it soookeedd. (As one would imagine sex with a grandpa would) She also hated her life and couldn’t wait to be released from the Heffinator’s clutches as #1 GF. Yiiiikkezzzz. This is barely news, but I found it interesting nonetheless. Does Hef still have sex slaves, I mean girlfriends? Is Hef still alive?

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5. Relationship Goals. Life Goals.

Sorry this week was lame for news. Hope this makes it better. If it doesn’t, we shouldn’t be friends.

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