JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/18/16

1. Disney knows what’s up. (Sort of.)

Forget what Lifetime and Hallmark try to pass off as movies, you haven’t really lived until you’ve seen a Disney Channel Original Movie, DCOM for kewl peeps, obv. The early 2000’s were the golden era of Friday night premieres on the Disney channel–terrible acting, cheesy characters and a just little bit of magic. For example: a talking house, switching bodies with your grandparents, a leprechaun on a basketball hoop, mermaids, Justin Timberlake as a male model, Hilary Duff in the military…you know, typical stuff. Well as an anniversary gift to us, Disney will be airing a full weekend of DCOM’s so fire up those DVR’s but also iTunes because their lineup is missing more than a few key flicks. First and foremost, Model Behavior. JT at the prime of N*SYNC on the disney channel? YES PLEASE. Wish Upon A Star has a pre-Grey’s-meltdown Katherine Heigl. Alright, this could probably be a whole blog, (and believe me it will be…no one unjustly leaves out the classic DCOMS and gets away with it) Anyway, click here for the full schedule. Must see’s (that they’re actually playing) include: Double Teamed (don’t be such a perv), Motocrossed, Pixel Perfect, Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century, Smart House, HSM, Cadet Kelly & The Cheetah Girls.

2. Morning TV dramz. 

KELLY RIPA, MICHAEL STRAHAN

Since not all my readers have lived that unemployment life, you might not be as familiar with daytime talk shows as I am. So it’s important for you to know that Michael Strahan bouncing up outta Live with Kelly & Michael is a BFD. Poor Kelly can’t hold a bitch down on that show. First Rege leaves, and now Michael’s outtie–for another morning show! BURN. SIZZLE. BOOM. And to make matters worse apparently the producers pulled the ole, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her and Kelly found out at the same time everyone else did. Yikes. So until further notice, Kelly is vacationing and probably looking to get out of her contract or something. At least she’ll get a gr8 tan?

3. I almost pooped my pants.

I mean the book was suspenseful (looking for a juicy read? head on over to my book list that I so carefully made even though 90% of them are turning into movies) but my God that trailer gave me a scare. Creepy Kanye West followed by a first person POV ponytail snatch? I watched this before bed, which I’ll own up to being a terrible idea for someone who sleeps with her door closed in case a murderer comes in so she’ll hear him coming, but also I’m never wearing a ponytail again. DEATH TRAP.

4. Lil Becks is the next Biebz. I follow 50% of the Beckham family on Instagram and it certainly has its perks. Recently Victoria and David have been pimping out Cruz as quite the little songbird. I hate kids, but realistically this whole family is full of future models and popstars so midas whale get on board while they’re young. I would hate to look uncool. So check out this little nugget hitting the high notes and becoming one with Beca Mitchell. If I could give him any critique it would be to get a new routine because cups was so 4 years ago. I mean, come on. But keep on, keepin on little guy, it won’t take much to oust Biebz, you’ve already got the soulful pipes and the swoopy hair.

5. Saved by the Max. Chicago is doing a pop-up Saved by the Bell diner this summer as tribute to The Max and so that every SBTB fan can pretend they’re having a burger with a side of magic tricks. I love this idea and I hate this idea. I love it because it could be argued that I’m a casual fan of Saved by the Bell.

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I hate this idea because it’s just like the Central Perk thing that went down in NYC a couple of years ago. You build this huge tourist trap and then people wait in line for hours to shuffle through and take a picture that a bunch of strangers watch/end up in the background of. I wish there was a secret underground society where pop culture recreations happened and you could just go and be called Mama by AC Slater, get smooched by Zack Morris and never get anywhere near Screech. Can we make that a thing? Oh, it’s called living in a fictional TV show? WuT3v3r.

*Bonus (feels mean to call this a bonus) Prince died last night and I’d like to thank People.com for reminding me of the time he kicked Kim K offstage. He was like hey girl come dance with me and she was so bad that he was like k, get off my stage. May he rest in peace and I’m sorry I aggressively made fun of him at every awards show ever.

Watch here.

Now I’m off to Nashville to recreate The Longest Ride or something…keep me in your T’s and P’s for finding Nicholas Sparks love with a southern gent.

 

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Pop Culture

Celeb-oween 2015

Celebs, they’re just like us…sometimes they have really dumb, unoriginal halloween costumes…and when they do, I point and laugh at them. I will applaud the fact that no one slipped up and did black face this year. They just might be learning!

WORST

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Haute couture skeleton @alexfaction

A post shared by Jennifer Lopez (@jlo) on

I think this would have been okay had J.Lo not taken a typical costume and called it haute couture like a bougie betch.

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👻

A post shared by Lauren Conrad (@laurenconrad) on

I’m not sure what’s going on here, is this just a child from my nightmares?

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I think I nailed the Kim K costume! 🕸👻🕷

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

What does the biggest attention whore in America dress as for Halloween? Herself, obviously.

I will absolutely NOT support Let it Go for one more second. Even if she does look like an adorbz little Olaf.

johnstamos

Devil’s Threesome.

peanuts today shwo

The Today Show tried to be cutesicle….

 carson willie matt

Except replicating a cartoon in real life can actually turn into a pretty scary sitch for all involved. Also OF COURSE Matt Lauer cross-dressed.

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Trump thrives off of this shit.

Tyra Banks Richard Branson

Tyra Banks as Richard Branson. Why?

kylieninja

Did Kylie even know it was Halloween? OHHHHH BURNNNN.

tbrady

Gisele and Tom Brady putting giant skeleton bobble heads on with a regular outfit is lazy and lame.

heidiklum

HEIDI KLUM MUST BE STOPPED. DO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH LESS.

kperry

Katy Perry as a mic drop. This is actually a clever idea until you have to reenact it 100 times for people to get it and then you have a concussion.

hilhil

I know Hil can do much better than a basic betch black cat.

paris

Right, so this is what warriors look like?

nickjonas

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Shirtless costumes only in the future, pls.

BEST

Anne looking pastel puuurfect as a unicorn.

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Coming to America🎃

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HOW SASSY IS BLUE THOUGH?!

The classiest woodland creatures I ever did see.

Mario Lopez’s kid is the cutest little smush and they nailed Elvis & Elvis Jr.

Allison looks EXACTLY like Belle.

Authentic shit, right down to the climbing. If Shawn was my fiance I’d climb him like a tree too.

I’m embarrassed that I went as Sandy last year because Gigi swept through this year and took a big dump on my version of bada$$ Sandra Dee.

Sophia Bush perfecting Pulp Fiction

The possibly engaged couple as polar opposites. Mesmerized by Jeets’ face as the devil.

Lebron going as Prince and taking the stage for an impromptu show seems really out of character for him.

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🦁

A post shared by tori kelly (@torikelly) on

Girls’ already got one hell of a mane.

Not as good as last years caveman in the flesh but still pretty great.

Hot damn! 2000’s Jess is making a comeback.

kardashsuperhero

I just wanna snatch P right up. I won’t…but I want to.

coltonhaynes

This is Colton Haynes. He doesn’t normally look like this. Respect tha hustle here for transforming into the largest and most disgusting creature in Disney villain history.

ninadobrev

Nina Dobrev bitch facing as Posh.

yonce

Don’t you ever cross Queen Bey or she’ll come at you like this.

kelly&michael1

kellyripa

Kelly Ripa’s got a knack for pop culture costumes, IMO.

michael strahan

Michael Strahan as Cookie. FIERCE.

joshduhamel

Josh Duhamel with a gap tooth.

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I’m always pro-T.Swift costume.

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GMA hosts Robin Roberts & TJ Holmes take on the Lyons.

AishaTylerYonce

Bionic hand seals the deal for Aisha Tyler

miranda

Miranda Lambert and co. as the Rockford Peaches. Where Marla Hooch at?

ellen kardashian

Ellen DeGeneres created her own character, Karla Kardashian, who is the reject of the clan and only wears hand-me-downs. Bonus points for originality although we know how I feel about drawing more attention to the Kardash fam.

therock

This seems like an approps costume for someone who naturally has gunz on gunz.

sarahyland

If you have a hot bod like Sarah Hyland it should be mandatory that you go leather bodysuit for Halloween.

jalba

Always jelly of celebs who can get their hands on legit wardrobe for pop culture costumes.

ginarodriguez

Gina Rodriguez shows off cute and cozy.

demi

YAASSSSS TRAP QUEEN.

pink

Pink looks exactly like lil Drew Barrymore.

nicolerichie

Nicole Richie doing up the Nightmare before Christmas creeperoni.

nph

NPH is the family costume magician every year.

channingjenna

His and hers cat in the hats for one of my fave couples

chrissy

Chrissy Teigen as Guy Fieri is perfect and gave her an excuse to do douchey things. I’m all for a costume that lets you get away with being a more obnoxious individual.

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Pop Culture, Television, Uncategorized

Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Fascinating People

Sunday night TV was real slow, so I sat down with Babs to see what hard hitting questions she would throw at the most fascinating people of the year and also for the big reveal of number 1. Did you miss it? No worries, I’ll keep this recap short and sweet, like I wish this special would have been.

Babs starts out her intro with “Hi you may remember me, Barbara Walters.” I didn’t realize we had a stand-up comedian hosting this special. The tone was set for a hilarious two hours. She reminded us that this special was supposed to be retired last year because it is tired and she’s picked the same people every single year forever, but ABC wanted more money so they brought it back thirsty for profits and ratings. (Side Note: Barbara’s suuuper expressive eyes after every few words got REAL creepy, REAL quick.)

Scarlett Johansson: Why she is on this list is baffling to me but she talks about how she’s actually short, she believes relationships are hard and monogamy isn’t natural and she’s open about being in therapy. Babs hears that Scarlett got her start in musical theater and DEMANDS that Scarlett sing a number on the spot despite how uncomfortable Scarlett clearly is with the idea. (Who ever declared that Barbara Walters was GREAT at interviewing was seriously wrong. She’s super awk.) Scarlett sings a little bit and looks like she wants to get the hell out of there. It was snoozeworthy at best.

Neil Patrick Harris: It’s hammered home that Neil can literally do everything, including magic. Coming out to his family was tough at first because his dad thought that he would whore out at clubs, now they’re more accepting. I didn’t realize that Neil came out mid-How I Met Your Mother in 2006 after a tabloid threatened to out him. Pretty aggress. Both him and his husband David fathered a child but they don’t know which kid they’re the biological father of. Babs asked multiple times if they would ever want to find out which kid is biologically theirs and NPH had to say no several times. USE YOUR EARS, BABS.

David Koch: Literally no interest level in this person, I turned my ears off. (Also there was a tech guy included in the special, whose name I already forgot because he was NOT fascinating to me.)

Chelsea Handler: She had to clear the air for the 1000th time that she never wanted to replace Letterman because she’s not a network girl and will never want to be censored or have to follow rules. Revealed that her oldest brother died when she was growing up because he fell off of a cliff and this is possibly why her dad is such a maniac. Good ole Chels got a DUI when she was 21 and had recently moved to Hollywood and in her class that she was required to take afterward she got up and was telling stories and someone told her she should be a standup and that’s where that came about. Love that hot mess. She said she would consider getting married just to try it for a little bit. Babs told Chels with her eyes that it was wrong to be so slutty and loose. Judgement city.

Oprah: Barbara reminds us that she’s interviewed Oprah four million times. Oprah has no regrets about not having kids, her and Stedman are still going strong. O talks about being sexually assualted at a young age and then becoming skanktastic and getting pregnant at 14 and being sent to live with her dad who told her he’d rather have her dead than pregnant. Uh oh. Surprise! Oprah ended up losing the baby and it became her “second chance” and her life became completely different. Babs and Oprah slobber all over each other and talk about how they’re obsessed with each other and end the interview with a creepy smile handshake.

Michael Strahan: Michael used to be a heffer, Jane Fonda tapes made him skinny. He’s been married a couple of times and the first marriage was casj and they’re still friends, the second marriage ended wooftastic and it was in the tabs that he was gay or he cheated and Michael proved to be a real stand-up guy, kept quiet and took all the backlash because he didn’t want to disgrace his kids. He also never wants to fix the gap in his teeth. (B.Walterz really digs deep with her questions.)

George RR Martin: I can’t physically listen to this guy talk because I have never seen/read Game of Thrones. Literally no idea what he’s talking about half the time. Apparently he finds it offensive when people say he’s going to croak before he finishes writing the series. I wonder why he would find that offensive…

Taylor Swift: This interview was WAY too short. Basically they talked played out questions, Tay told America that every time they say she’s gonna write a song about a boy it’s the oldest joke and basically the media is a bunch of sexist pigs because they would never say that about men writing about their personal lives. GET EM TAY. Also she talks about how in the past five years she hasn’t been alone (YIKES), kicking it with her fans at her houseS and looking at their instagrams keeps her grounded and she DOES drink alcohol, she’s 25 after all. Also she’s serious about being single these days (yawn).

DRUMROLL PLEASE. The most fascinating person according to Ms. Barbara Walters is Amal (Alamuddin) Clooney. Here’s what I don’t understand…she just talks about Amal. There is no interview, I’m assuming there’s no consent from Amal so WHAT is the point of this? Instead Bab’s shows a bunch of clips of her interviewing George Clooney and basically makes it all about him and how he swore up and down that he would never get married and all the people that he dated since he said that. I’m sure this was really uplifting for Amal, as she watches the segment about her that Barbara Walters clearly just googled and reported over a backdrop of public photos in a slideshow. What a crock of bullshit. You tricked us all, Babs. (Just me? Oh ok.)

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