JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/2/16

1. THE KING IS BACK. 

When JT started teasing new music this week, I almost had to change my undies right on the spot. That’s how much I missed his beats. And him, in general. As I type this it’s Thursday night and I specifically stayed up 10 more minutes to hear it when it dropped at midnight. AND OBVIOUSLY IT’S FIRE FLAMES. When does summer officially start? May 6th. Put it in your science books because JT just started summer with this bangpiece. (Just so we’re all on the same page, we’re all pretending this isn’t a song for animated trolls.)

2. I mean, obviously.

Look I’m not a huge shipper of Gwen especially after she started dating Blake Shelton and the two of them tossed it in everyone’s faces constantly because they started banging on a show they both worked on (how original) but bring in Clooney and Julia Roberts and I’m sold. I mean seriously, I can’t sit still for 10 minutes without checking my phone or gazing off into space but these 10-15 minute carpool karaokes keep me riveted.

3. Let’s go back, back to the beginning. I follow the former Laguna Beachers on Insta specifically waiting for a moment like this. No seriously, if I unfollowed them and missed this it would sooook, which is why I put up with all the posts about how they’re so grown up and getting married and having babies and totally distancing themselves from when they were dumb high school idiots who threw bougie black and white parties and benefits at a hotel just so they could drink. Anyway, if this isn’t a teaser enough, something’s definitely brewing in the Laguna world with the B-list stars. I mean seriously…who invited Christina and Morgan to ever participate in anything entertainment related again? I’m also guessing JWahl is slumming it because his addiction appearances with Dr. Drew were drying up. Try all you want but ya’ll will never be LC. (Making Bambi inspired t-shirts¬†for Kohls.) JK, JK. If you want to reminisce about Laguna before whatever this might be airs, check out my prized and well researched ‘Guna blog here.

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And……. Here we go! @alexmurrel

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Let's go back … Back to the beginning ūüėú

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4. A peek into my future if I have accidental kids.¬†Female ensemble comedies are all the rage these days and here’s a new one about being shitty moms who like to party.

5. Tha Carters bathe in money. Beyonce dropped Lemonade a couple weeks ago about how Jay cheated on her, essentially cashing in on the ‘vator scandal. And everyone’s like ooohhh ahhhh, Jay-Z better WATCH HIMSELF. Uh, CTFD, this is obviously a business plan and part 2 is Hova’s response album. Cha ching, cha ching TIIDAALLLLLL. I wouldn’t be surprised if Blue hopped in the studio next for an exclusive Beyhive Jr. album. Anyway, I approve wholeheartedly. The world is a better place for getting to hear marital drama play out on spicy new songs. Plus the graphic tee world needed a refresh from all the “But first, coffee” tees and “Becky with the good hair” is a fine place to start. So thank you, Illuminati.

BONUS:

Their eyes are photoshopped right? Either way, Team Logan 4ever.

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Pop Culture, Television, Uncategorized

Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Fascinating People

Sunday night TV was real slow, so I sat down with Babs to see what hard hitting questions she would throw at the most fascinating people of the year and also for the big reveal of number 1. Did you miss it? No worries, I’ll keep this recap short and sweet, like I wish this special would have been.

Babs starts out her intro with “Hi you may remember me, Barbara Walters.” I didn’t realize we had a stand-up comedian hosting this special. The tone was set for a hilarious two hours. She reminded us that this special was supposed to be retired last year because it is tired and she’s picked the same people every single year forever, but ABC wanted more money so they brought it back thirsty for profits and ratings. (Side Note: Barbara’s suuuper expressive eyes after every few words got¬†REAL creepy, REAL quick.)

Scarlett Johansson: Why she is on this list is baffling to me but she talks about how she’s actually short, she believes relationships are hard and monogamy isn’t natural and she’s open about being in therapy. Babs hears that Scarlett got her start in musical theater and DEMANDS that Scarlett sing a number on the spot despite how uncomfortable Scarlett clearly is with the idea. (Who ever declared that Barbara Walters was GREAT at interviewing was seriously wrong. She’s super awk.) Scarlett sings a little bit and looks like she wants to get the hell out of there. It was snoozeworthy at best.

Neil Patrick Harris: It’s hammered home that¬†Neil can literally do everything, including magic. Coming out to his family was tough at first because his dad thought that he would whore out¬†at clubs, now they’re more accepting. I didn’t realize that Neil came out mid-How I Met Your Mother in 2006 after a tabloid threatened to out him. Pretty aggress. Both him and his husband David fathered a child but they don’t know which kid¬†they’re the biological father of. Babs asked multiple times if they would ever want to find out which kid is biologically theirs and NPH had to say no several times. USE YOUR EARS, BABS.

David Koch: Literally no interest level in this person, I turned my ears off. (Also there was a tech guy included in the special, whose name I already forgot because he was NOT fascinating to me.)

Chelsea Handler:¬†She had to clear the air for the 1000th time that she never wanted to replace Letterman because she’s not a network girl and will never want to be censored or have to follow rules. Revealed that her oldest brother died when she was growing up because he fell off of a cliff and this is possibly why her dad is such a maniac. Good ole Chels got a DUI when she was 21 and had recently moved to Hollywood and in her class that she was required to take afterward she got up and was telling stories and someone told her she should be a standup and that’s where that came about. Love that hot mess. She said she would consider getting married just to try it for a little bit. Babs told Chels with her eyes that it was wrong to be so slutty and loose. Judgement city.

Oprah: Barbara reminds us that she’s interviewed Oprah four million times. Oprah has no regrets about not having kids, her and Stedman are still going strong. O talks about being sexually assualted at a young age and then becoming skanktastic and getting pregnant at 14 and being sent to live with her dad who told her he’d rather have her dead than pregnant. Uh oh. Surprise! Oprah ended up losing the baby and it became her “second chance” and her life became completely different. Babs and Oprah slobber all over each other and talk about how they’re obsessed with each other and end the interview with a creepy smile handshake.

Michael Strahan: Michael used to be a heffer, Jane Fonda tapes made him skinny. He’s been married a couple of times and the first marriage was casj and they’re still friends, the second marriage ended wooftastic and it was in the tabs that he was gay or he cheated and Michael proved to be a real stand-up guy, kept quiet and took all the backlash because he didn’t want to disgrace his kids. He also never wants to fix the gap in his teeth. (B.Walterz really digs deep with her questions.)

George RR Martin: I can’t physically listen to this guy talk because I have never seen/read Game of Thrones. Literally no idea what he’s talking about half the time. Apparently he finds it offensive when people say he’s going to croak before he finishes writing the series. I wonder why he would find that offensive…

Taylor Swift: This interview was WAY too short. Basically they talked played out questions, Tay told America that every time they say she’s gonna write a song about a boy it’s the oldest joke and basically the media is a bunch of sexist pigs because they would never say that about men writing about their personal lives. GET EM TAY. Also she talks about how in the past five years she hasn’t been alone (YIKES), kicking it with her fans at her houseS and looking at their instagrams keeps her grounded and she DOES drink alcohol, she’s 25 after all. Also she’s serious about being single these days (yawn).

DRUMROLL PLEASE. The most fascinating person according to Ms. Barbara Walters is Amal (Alamuddin) Clooney. Here’s what I don’t understand…she just talks about Amal. There is no interview, I’m assuming there’s no consent from Amal so WHAT is the point of this? Instead Bab’s shows a bunch of clips of her interviewing George Clooney and basically makes it all about him and how he swore up and down that he would never get married and all the people that he dated since he said that. I’m sure this was really uplifting for Amal, as she watches the segment about her that Barbara Walters clearly just googled and reported over a backdrop of¬†public photos in a slideshow. What a crock of bullshit. You tricked us all, Babs. (Just me? Oh ok.)

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Pop Culture

Sexiest Man ALIVE?

His hair looks like a wig.

His hair looks like a wig.

Here’s the deal, People. I get it that your Sexiest Man Alive award is coveted every year and the announcement is a big to do…but I call bullshit on it. That’s right, you heard me, I’m calling bullshit on the Sexiest Man Alive. The bitterness of that statement is mostly on principle alone that not once has People acknowledged the ACTUAL sexiest man alive, Ryan Gosling. Yeah that’s right…this may have been an argument years ago but it wasn’t over. AND IT STILL ISN’T OVER. They ignored the whispers when he became everyone’s dream man in The Notebook, they drowned out the white noise when he sparked the creation of the “Hey Girl” memes, and finally when he flawlessly hoisted Emma Stone into the dirty dancing lift in Crazy Stupid Love, shirtless, People put their blinders up. Yeah, he’s totally not Sexiest Man Alive material.
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I was willing to let it slide because they have featured some pretty boys (I mean Ryan Reynolds is a close second to RyGos, plus he happened to marry my number one girl crush so there’s that…) but this year’s crowning has got me all in a tizzie again. I can’t be the only one who realized that they chose the less hot brother in a family of attractive brothers, right? Like I may be ranting about it but we were all thinking it…Liam is way hotter. Yeah, he might’ve had a lapse of judgement when he dated and then PROPOSED to Miley Cyrus but it’s obvious that she was wearing her Hannah Montana wig for the few years that they were together, and then once she abruptly took it off and became tongue out, bleached buzz cut, twerking Miley, he was like SHIT time to cut my losses and run. So we can all forgive him for that. My forgiveness ends there. It’s not like Chris Hemsworth is more famous than Liam…they both are leading men in huge movie franchises currently…they’re both buff with Australian accents, one just happens to be married with kids, how wholesome of People to choose that one.
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There’s also already been backlash that this was the year of Chris Pratt and he was robbed of the title. Although I’m not as voracious in fighting for Chris as I am for Ryan, I can’t disagree. Chris is the all around guy-next-door media dream. He cracks jokes, he posts gym selfies, he’s married to straight up goon Anna Faris and if you watched that video of him french braiding an intern’s hair while doing an interview I think you know why he deserved it. What a guy. Does Chris Hemsworth know how to braid hair? I rest my case.
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Unrelated observation: I don’t see Leonardo DiCaprio on this list….he just turned 40 and he’s still a smoke…what a slap in the face. He gets Oscar snuffs left and right and you can’t even hand him a cover for being downright sexy? Brad Pitt was crowned twice, George Clooney twice, even JOHNNY DEPP got a twofer. That’s suuuuuper embarrassing. Time to clean house, People…if you’re looking for someone to come on board and have strong opinions about today’s hot famous men, I think I know of someone who’s looking for employment…call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me. (When ya wanna page me…it’s ok.)
See Full List below:

1985 Mel Gibson 29

1986 Mark Harmon 34

1987 Harry Hamlin 35

1988 John F. Kennedy, Jr. 27

1989 Sean Connery 59

1990 Tom Cruise 28

1991 Patrick Swayze 38

1992 Nick Nolte 51

1993 Richard Gere (1) 44

1995 Brad Pitt (1) 31

1996 Denzel Washington 41

1997 George Clooney (1) 36

1998 Harrison Ford 56

1999 Richard Gere (2) 50

2000 Brad Pitt (2) 36

2001 Pierce Brosnan 48

2002 Ben Affleck 30

2003 Johnny Depp (1) 40

2004 Jude Law 31

2005 Matthew McConaughey36

2006 George Clooney (2) 45

2007 Matt Damon 37

2008 Hugh Jackman 40

2009 Johnny Depp (2) 46

2010 Ryan Reynolds 34

2011 Bradley Cooper 36

2012 Channing Tatum 32

2013 Adam Levine 34

2014 Chris Hemsworth 31

 

(Via Wikipedia…the bible of the internet)

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