HEY YA’LL, let’s kick off 30 variations of country awards shows with “country” boys in tuxes that I want to lick and…wait what were we talking about? Oh right, ladies were at the CMA’s as well. I’m no Kaitlyn Bristowe cracking jokes and singing songs with the stars of the red carpet but I AM GOOD AT ONE THING and that’s passing fast judgements on fashion when I know nothing about it. Here are the winners and losers of Nashville last night.

WORST.

Little Kidman on the Prairie. Can’t she look kewl for Keith like at ONE country awards show? I mean come on, your huz is a rockstar and you’re wearing a floor length dusty pink gown buttoned up to your eyebrows.

I’m not completely boo’ing Kacey here. It’s more of a soft boo from the back of the crowd. Her makeup and hair are FIERCE and then she turns into a giant cupcake. I even like the color and material of the dress but like maybe don’t cover Nashville with it?

Easton Corbin’s a cutie but I can’t help but see a cater-waiter at a holiday party with this jacket. Or like, guest star on Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Choose your own adventure.

Horses fighting (or loving?) are covering Cassadee’s lady bits. Also never been a fan of the slicked hair. Kardashians can try to bring it back all they want but that’s what my hair looks like on Sunday night when I didn’t shower all day and that’s NOT photo-worthy.

Pls submit your best guesses for what is on his shirt.

Looks like she got lost in the forest and while running scared her dress got caught on tree branches and ripped. Forest run chic.

Did everyone know that this is Rob Schneider’s daughter? Elle’s dad is Deuce Bigalow. Mind blown. Anyway, these pants are the worst.

I mean, Dustin Lynch lands on my worst dressed every year for his embroidered suits.

Why so mad, Maren? (Cause she didn’t make my best dressed.)

THE COLORS. THE STUDS. THE FRINGE. MY EYES.

Sweet vagina flap, Jamie Lynn.

An embroidered doily disaster.

Did you ever see someone take a foil gum wrapper and tear pieces off from the wax paper then stick it to their five star during an especially boring 5th period science class? That’s what this dress looks like.

Wooferoni.

The hip flower is really throwing this off.

WHAT IS THIS HAIR?! This can only be described as caught in the rain hair. Did Tay know she was coming to the CMA’s or did she just drop in on her way to Target? Dress is bomb though.

BEST

I think like 90% of why I love this look is the mid-swish they captured Kelsea doing here. I love a good swish dress.

I need to be alone with this photo.

1. Jennifer Garner hasn’t aged one single day. 30 going on 13, amirite?! (That joke fell flat, I can already tell.) 2. Both ladies killed the classic and elegant red carpet look.

Changin the game with the only crop this year! Kaitlyn looks like a babe and makes me feel like a real asshole for skipping the gym for two nights in a row because I’m cold.

Since Brett Eldredge decided to go to the Cubs game instead of the CMA’s (wut3v3r) this is what I imagine he would wear. So thank you, long haired Brett. (Canaan Smith)

WHO are these new stud muffs on the scene? As my mom would say, their outfits are dope.

JJD slays all day.

Chase Rice went for the classic black tux. Never fails.

I think I’m more down with the right half of the property bros look than the left half. Suh Fall.

Could use a little more leg but no other complaints here.

Cole makes a baseball cap look suave with this leather lapel suit. (whispers: flip your hat backward.)

I call this look princess ballerina.

Not usually a fan of the basically black lip (except for my Halloween costume of 2015) but these outfits go together like Maddie & Tae. WINK.

I said Gabby Douglas was so four years ago in my Halloween blog this week but she proves me wrong with this fun party number.

Suck on it, Blake.

I had a solo shot of Thomas Rhett to post but it didn’t feel right without his smokeshow of a wife, who literally all of his songs are about. Obviously they’re the most adorable.

I won’t be recapping the show because it’s 90% performances and I typically fall asleep during half of them (except for Luke, shout out to those thrusts though.) Instead I’ll leave you with the real MVP of the CMA’s. Unnamed sassy sax player. Beyonce who? Seriously I couldn’t focus on anyone but this whoutfit-clad, sparkly cowboy boot wearin, stank-steppin saxaphonist.

The brightest star in the galaxy of Yeehaw’s.

The only thing that could steal his thunder was McConaughey un-ironically doing his Wolf of Wall Street chest pat.

Ripped the spotlight right off that sax tootin’ angel without even trying that hard. May he rest in bedazzled cowboy peace.

And that’s all you need to know about the 50th CMA’s.