JUice

Weekly JUice

It has been brought to my attention that I’ve been slacking on my Ju duties as of lately and although pop culture goss isn’t typically as ravenous in the summer, my life has also been a giant dumpster fire this szn, which doesn’t always inspire me to be funny. So here is my attempt at making a comeback. If I don’t make you laugh, well then you’ll feel just like me right now. Pop on a little Gilmore Girls, let your waterfall of tears flow into a heavy pour of rosé and we could be twinzies. If I do make you laugh, then tell me an obnoxious amount of times because I will never get enough of being told that I’m funny.

1. The Archer.

If anything is going to bring me out of retirement, it’s Tay. Every damn time. She released her first song off the new album that can’t be confused for a Kidz Bop tune and I’m here to give you all of my thoughts on it. Obviously I was all in on ME because I’m a narcissist and related to a song that repeats over and over again how awesome I am, claiming it as my mantra. I didn’t blog about it because I didn’t want to look like a homophobe but I was strictly OUT on You Need to Calm Down because no one ever tells me to calm down and also it was basically just a way for her to crown herself queen of the gays, which like, we get it Taylor. EVERYONE LOVES YOU. Gawd. ANYWAY, here we are at The Archer and it’s moody and dramats with deep lyrics and I’m all about it. Tay has a knack for releasing songs that speak to a certain part of my life, like when 22 came out the year that I turned 22 (yeah that’s right all you young hoez who post “feelin 22” right now. The song was basically written for me and not about today’s youths, who have essentially no problems and feel the need to wear crop tops with no bras every time they leave their home.) So obviously Tay knows that my love life is a shit storm right now and drops this juicy dramatic song. “Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay?” I MEAN COME ON. If I had a diary right now, it would probably say exactly that. Good thing I don’t keep diaries anymore because every time I read my middle school one and see “Seventh grade is the year of dating. I want a boyfriend, but not so bad that I’m desperate, and I’ll take anyone.” I want to kms. So I’ll just leave it to Taylor to write all the embarrassing things that I relate to in that moment and look back on in five years and laugh at. Thanks, boo.

2. Lance Came Out for LOLz.

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In random stories from 20 years ago, Lance Bass divulged on Watch What Happens Live (because that’s where everyone gets drunk and tells wacky stories) that after Britney got married in Vegas, he came out to her to get her to stop crying and paddle away from her problems in her roflcanoe. Well it worked. A boy-bander being gay got the big belly laugh from our gurl Brit so clearly Lance knows how to read a room. Glad he could come through in the clutch, it’s too bad he didn’t have anymore shocking news to share and talk her down from her bald umbrella smashing epi 3 years later. Womp Womppppp.

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3. That’s 3 under 3.

I’ve spent some time with my 2 year old niece and I’m having a hard time understanding why anyone would sign up for one of those full-time, let alone three. The most adorbs coups is doing it again though and it’ll be another girl! How joyous to have 3 daughters essentially all right around the same age. I’m saying this sarcastically of course because as the youngest of three girls, I CAN confirm we were monsters from ages 2-19. In fact, I’m still ruining my dad’s life and calling him crying on the daily so look forward to THAT, Thomas Rhett! Daughters are yours until you marry them off…or in my case, FOOOORRRR-EVVVV-ERRRRRR.

4. Shawn Mendes is a Teenage Girl.

Babe soda/teen heartthrob Shawn Mendes is making a lot of waves in the past few weeks after dropping a spicy little tamale of a song with Camila Cabello (see above) and then smooching up on her all over town, sparking new romance rumors. When I saw this and heard their merengue I was like ayeee Papi, get it. JK, but seriously I was rooting for him because he spends 90% of interviews convincing the press he’s not gay AND was shot down by Hailey Baldwin like minutes before she married the Biebs, so I felt like Shawn needed a W. That took a DRAMATIC turn when a fan released the below photo with a butterfly tattoo drawn on Shawn’s ‘cep.

AND THEN HE GOT IT. No seriously. A super fan was like wonder if you had this very intricate butterfly on your arm? And he was like gr8 idea. WHAT. Butterflies had their moment in the 1990’s with Mariah Carey and Aeropastale. WHAT PLANET AM I ON THAT THEY MAKE A COMEBACK? First Taylor Swift and now Shawn Mendes? Come. ONNNNNN.

Listen, I tried to be in your corner, Shawn. I shipped your new relashe. But unless this courtship has dramatically ended and you were drunk surfing through Twitter and stumbled upon this fan suggestion, there’s no reason to be butterfly stamping your muscle. Total Mosby Move.

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5. JLo is FIFTY. 50. Fif.tee.Five.Zero.

Nothing makes you feel like a more GIANT loser than watching JLo turn up at 50 harder than you ever have in your whole life and you’re basically half her age. Am I a complete and utter dweeb? Don’t answer that. About a month ago I made up a drinking game to Saved by the Bell once I discovered it was on Hulu so I think we all know what that means. I can cut loose with the best of ’em. #BUCKWILD. Also I heard Ryan Seacrest couldn’t get in because he was there so early and wasn’t on the list. NERD ALERT. At least I’m cooler than Seacrest. You don’t show up to a celebrity party at 7 on the dot you big wiener. But seriously, JLo LAYING OUT ON THE TURN TABLES with ARod as her #1 hypeman in the background was my favorite thing I’ve seen in a real long time. Also, surprising to no one, she looked like a damn snack at her Grammys-level birthday bash. I bet Leo was there.

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Also is that Fat Joe? He’s still alive?! AND ASHANTI?! JOE CRACK THE DON, UH. PLAY US OUT, GUYS.

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 3/27/17

I took a self-imposed hiatus because Hollywood has been BORING AF lately. It’s pretty selfish of celebrities to not give me something to razz them about, honestly. Lucky for you I found just enough to get back in the saddle this week. HAPPY WEEKEND!

1. FINALLY.

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SIGN.OF.THE.TIMES // 7.APRIL.17 //

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Our ears will be blessed next Friday with the only real solo act to come out of 1D that anyone should care about. Harry’s done pretending to be a serious actor and he better DELIVER on the music front after we had to wait this long. Mysterious wading in the water photo isn’t really giving us much but thank God it has already been announced that he’ll be the musical guest on SNL 4/15, with host Jimmy Fallon. Fingers crossed that JFall’s Harry meets real Harry in a skit, or we riot.

2. Whoa, baby.

Pregnant bellies kind of freak me out. Mostly because like, there’s a human in there and if I push too hard will it die? This is something I may never know. So preggers people rocking bikinis at the beach usually gives me the heebie jeebies. The minute I see a baby arm or leg move like it’s taking over your body I’M OUTTA THERE. But of course, leave it to LC to make pregnancy chic as hell. Perfect mani, cocktail and beach scene=realistic look at pregnancy.

3. Batting UP.

Look, ARod’s kind of a loser. He could never compare to Jeets and it’s embarrassing how obsessed he is with himself. But let’s be clear, there’s nothing more embarrassing than a nobody (who is this biddy?) telling you that you’re outkicking your coverage in a major way. Girl thinks she’s being cutesy with the sports reference but ain’t nothing gonna cover the fact that she straight up told ARod to his face that he’s not good enough for Jenny from the block. Facts only. Also they’ve been dating a casual 3 weeks so like maybe slow your roll with yapping about her on a talk show. She just got done banging Drake. It’s not going to last. Especially since you’re, hitting out of your weight class? IS THAT HOW YOU SAY IT? LOLOLOLOL. PS unrelated but kind of related…the 3 no name hosts plus Joy Behar saying that JLo liking chocolate chip cookies is breaking news made my eyes roll out of my skull and halfway across the room. HOW IS THIS SHOW STILL ON TV?

4. WHERE IS SUMMER.

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AVAILABLE NOW! 🕺🏻#CravingYou ft. @marenmorris

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Despite the fact that it’s rain/snowing in New York for THE NEXT TWO DAYS…I’m going to jam out to this new Thomas Rhett number and pretend warm weather is just around the corner. Ignore the fact that little hoebot Maren is featured on this. Pretend it’s his perfect wifey instead.

5. PUPPY BOUQUETS!

© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com

This has literally nothing to do with anything other than the fact that it was an article on People today but if I’m in your wedding party and you don’t give me a puppy to take pictures with, you’re essentially dead to me. Group photos for weddings are the WORST. The way photographers direct women to pose is only setting us up for failure. “Blow a kiss”, “Walk toward the camera with sass” “Kick your foot up in the air” results in me looking like an awkward giraffe with my mouth open and/or eyes closed 98% of the time. Congrats on getting married, whose that weird bird who ruined all of your professional photos?! …is what I imagine everyone says when they view the final product. (Just me? Whatever) Either way, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to look like a spazz when you have a cuddly baby puppy wuppy in your arms.

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© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com© Discover Love Studios - Brittany Boland - www.discoverlovestudios.com

 

BONUS: Throwback Eye Candy, Love always, Mandy

Bucket Hat=Pure SEX.

DUBZ BONUS: LOL to the fact that Melissa Joan Hart is suddenly all omg I totally should’ve dated Ryan Reynolds back in the day. HE’S BLAKE’S MAN. BACK OFF, SABRINA. (That hair though.)

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JUice

Weekly JUice

1. Zayn is going solo, 1D fans mourn him as if he’s dead, Harry cries, Zayn cries, everyone hates Simon Cowell.

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So I reported last week that Zayn peaced out on the tour and there was speculation that he was taking a quick vacay to rehab, but this week he released a statement that he was officially leaving 1D to live a normal life as a 22 year old out of the spotlight. Obviously tweens around the world were on suicide watch, the remaining 1D members had to be like hey we’re still doing this thing so everyone CTFD and then today Zayn basically told everyone he’s going solo. Hey bruh, be more of a doucher. He’s obviously pulling the “I was doing something and my heart wasn’t in it, I hope you all want me to be happy” card but like going to the studio the very next day? Harsh. It wasn’t too long ago that he was telling me over a spaghetti dinner “But there’s nothing to be afraid of, Even when the night changes, It will never change me and you.” Well guess what, Zayn? IT DID CHANGE.

2. Entourage full trailer dropped and it has a bazillion celebs in it. I never watched Entourage really, I’ve seen a few episodes here and there but I’ll probably go see this movie because I like celebs and they’re all in it.

3. Super Troopers 2 comin atcha. Someone started a crowd funding page for the sequel of Super Troopers because here in America we don’t pay for stuff, we set up a website for other people to pay for our stuff and guess what?! It raised $2 Mill in like a day. All original troopers will be back which obviously means more Farva, who could probably have his own sequel. Whose excited for this? Say Car RamRod.

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4. The Yankees do a scene from The Sandlot, and leave ARod out of it. Even though Jeets isn’t in this I can always appreciate a nice Sandlot reference, because it quite literally never gets old. Yanks are clearly trying to drum up some positive press since all they probably hear about is how they let ARod come back and everyone on earth hates him. I can’t embed the video, so click below for the link.

Yankees Re-Create Sandlot

Brian McCann CRUSHED it as Hamilton Porter. Brett Gardner has a REAL weird head.

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Also this just made me want to watch The Sandlot again. Benny the Jet ❤

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5.Taylor Swift goes to a Kenny Chesney concert in Nashville, gets invited onstage for a duet and looks like this:

Kenny Chesney Kicks Off "The Big Revival" Tour Kenny Chesney Kicks Off "The Big Revival" Tour

I’m probably going to look just like this when I run to the grocery store this weekend, so whateva.

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