Tag Archives: The Situation

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of May 24th, 2021

 

1. I Was R I G H T.

As you might recall, the announcement of the Friends Reunion hit around February of 2020 and I was QUICK to tell everyone to calm the hell down about it. Refresh your memory HERE. Well folks, nothing brings me more pure joy than being THE MOST RIGHT. The Friends Reunion dropped yesterday, I saddled up to watch all two hours of it and it was NEARLY unwatchable. WHAT A LOAD OF GARBAGE. And if you’re a true Friends fan and you don’t agree with me, check yourself if you’re letting your fangirl bias get in the way. That was two straight hours of FLUFF. The same information could’ve been retained from a 5 minute feature on a late show. *Spoiler Alert for those who care about this trash ass reunion being spoiled* We had strangers from all over the world telling us how much they love the TV show, a collection of random celebrities describing specific scenes that we’ve already seen 900 times or telling us how much they love the TV show, a completely useless “fashion show” also including random celebs, and a couple of Friends guest star appearances for a VERY brief hello. Also, a Lady Gaga cameo for Smelly Cat that made me cringe to death. Hosted by James Corden, the special spliced between a live “interview” with the friends all in front of the original fountain from the intro, pre-taped conversations of them on the recreated set, flashbacks to old clips and a few little games with the cast. It was awkward and just a lot of the cast members crying and saying they love each other. Cool beans. The big dramatic *reveal* was that Jen Aniston and David Schwimmer wanted to bone each other IRL but never did because they were always in relationships while filming. So they channeled their horniness for each other into the characters. WOWOWOWOWOWOW. If it sounds like I’m bitter for how poorly this was done, please know that I am. Aside from the lack of content that these two hours produced, if I may make two personal observations. 1. It looks like the men have had more work done facially speaking than the women. It was a WHOLE lotta frozen old face up in that B. 2. Matthew Perry (aka Chandler) is clearly the odd man out. It became very obvious through group interactions that none of them have chosen to hang out with him personally in the past 15 years and also no one really cares to hear what he has to say now. I feel like he maybe got 5 words in edgewise the whole special. Poor Chanandler Bong. If you want to torture yourself, feel free to flip this bad boy on and drink every time one of them says “it feels just like no time has passed and we all just slipped right back into it.” Eye roll my G-D face off.

2. Ariana Stole My Birthday.

Ariana Grande decided my 30th birthday would be the ideal day to get married to her man of the mo’ and honestly HOW DARE SHE? I probably will not need to be concerned about this for longer than today because there’s not a chance in hell these two clowns make it even to their first anniversary. Maybe they’ll pop out a kid soon because that’s what’s hot in the streets with celebs in their twenties these days. Bet celebs don’t have their moms telling them on their 30th birthday they should look into freezing their eggs because they already have 3 kids by then. AnYwHo, Vogue did a whole spread on the fashion and lewks from Ariana’s low-key at-home nuptials. As someone who rips red carpet fashion like nobody’s biz, nothing is going to stop me from doing the same for Ariana’s big day. Here’s the spread.

From the neck up, I approve. Makeup is flawless, signature Ariana half up pony has an elegant spin to it with the vintage short veil and bow. Then we move downtown on this getup and that’s where I’m out. I love an open back, I don’t love tossing in essentially a built-in bra strap to the open canvas. I think it looks tacky as hell. And gurrrl, those heels and fur purse speak for themselves. Is she wearing custom designer pieces on her wedding day or hitting the stage in a sweaty strip club? Yikes on bikes. If you’re wearing 6 inch platform heels just to reach your husband’s mouth, I have concerns. Since I dumped on her Vera Wang wedding dress and hooker heelz, might I also add that the table setting is flawle$$. Every happiness to you birthday spotlight thiefs! *Place your bets now on how long this union lasts*

3. Bennifer 2.0.

As a close personal friend of JLo, I’d be remiss to fire up the JUice after a long hiatus and not comment on her current “apparent” rebound. And here’s the take that I gave to everyone in my family immediately upon the Bennifer resurgence at the end of April: it’s all fake. This is publicity stunt 101. It REEKS of showmanship. Ben Affleck just got dumped by up and coming actress and total babe soda Ana de Armas. He’s generally a kinda sloppy alcoholic that goes in and out of rehab and mainlines Dunkin icey’s. He could use a little press glow-up. JLo is a spicy tamale that everyone in America loves and/or wants to bang. It was rumored (I say that knowing it’s probably 100% true) that ARod cheated which caused the demise of their engagement. Wanna know the best way to stick it to your cheating ex-fiance? Show him you’re banging someone new. DUH times a million. She’s photographed gallivanting around with Ben Affleck and stir up a FLURRY of headlines and nostalgia, it’s all shoved directly in ARod’s grillpiece and he’s made to think about what he lost by stepping out on his Queen. Win, win all around. Ben looks great, JLo looks fancy free and funky fresh not a care in the world just having the time of her life, the world gets to relive the most ridiculous pop culture phenomenon of a couple and salivate over it being the early 2000’s again, bingo bango everyone’s happy. (Except for ARod.) Also might I add, do you think JLO, the woman who is at HER PRIME at 50 years old is going to honestly go back to Ben Affleck?! Get real. It’s gonna take a lot more than some pics of them walking into the gym in Miami to convince me that these two are actually back together.

4. Sad Scoop.

Kevin Clark aka Freddy the drummer from School of Rock died this week at 32. He was riding a bike in Chicago and was hit by a car. SUPER sad news because he’s young and also because it’s a horrible accident. He was never in anything other than School of Rock because he wasn’t trying to be an actor, he was only cast in that movie because of his drumming skills. As someone who was 12 when the movie School of Rock came out, I was for SURE crushing on Freddy. A drummer with an attitude? Sign me up. Obviously I was going through a real bad boy phase. That spiky hair made my 6th grade heart swoon. What a time for hair gel to take the center stage. Anyway, I hate reporting sad scoops because there’s nothing funny to say about someone dying way too young. Here’s the last time the gang was all together for a special performance of the all-time classic Zach’s Song.

5. Baby Sitch Hath Arrived.

In preparation for one day being a New Jersey resident, I’ve been doing my due diligence of research. Staying up to date on all Jersey Shore cast member milestones is a given. The sitch and his lady welcomed Romeo Reign into the world and by God if that’s not a cocky as hell name. Putting a lot of pressure on this little nugget’s shoulders to become a wealthy reality TV star who serves time for evading his taxes. Just kidding, the name is fine and fairly normal as far as “celeb” names go. What I’m really here to talk about is that in my process of full-on Jersey immersion, I’ve begun the Real Housewives of New Jersey from the start and what a wild ride that has been. No one ever warned me that the New Jersey installment is basically a scripted mafia movie featuring the Manzo family. Most importantly, I’m getting a lay of the land, taking note of the hot spots including of course, the Brownstone, and updating my fashion choices to correlate with the Jersey lifestyle:

Kangol in hand, Jersey here I COME BAYBAY!

BONUS: I haven’t been on the TikTok scene lately but I did make a video of my California vacay set to the tuneage of my epic Gold Coast Grooves playlist and Instagram banned it the SECOND I posted it because of one song so I’m gonna post it here instead. Enjoy a tour of the various beaches of Orange County, me almost decapitating my bestie with a rogue champagne cork & a very boozy singalong to Natasha Bedingfield the night before my birthday. I took the liberty of rolling the window down and scream singing it into the breeze as we drove down the highway of which I’m sure my friend’s fiance was none too pleased about. I was just trying to find my inner-LC and that seems pretty obvious.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of September 9, 2019

1. Nope.

Remember when I pointed and laughed at Shawn Mendes’ butterfly tat and told him to get his shit together? This is not what I meant. In the tween world (and adults who still act like tweens cough cough me) Shawn and Camila dating is the talk of the town. They’re both hot and young and their song Seniorita is steamy as hell. They performed it at the VMA’s and teased a kiss but did NOT deliver and after an entire song with Camila grinding all over Shawn and getting close to his face just to pull away, do we think he had to do a waistband tuck? 100% yes. Well I have to do the opposite of a waistband tuck after this video. They’re trying to be funny and cute. I get it. But rip my eyeballs out because this is neither funny nor cute, it’s just watching two celebs slobber all over each other in HD. Want to see what it looks like to see a girl probe her tongue directly up her boyfriend’s nose? LOOK NO FURTHER THAN THIS CLIP. If you’re into that sort of thing. Guess Shawn doesn’t need a tissue when he has his girl to clean up all the boogers with one swift tongue punch. HEY IF I HAD TO SEE IT, YOU ALL HAVE TO SEE IT AND THEN READ MY DISGUSTING WORDS TO DESCRIBE IT. HAPPY WEEKEND!

2. Influencers Are Still A Thing.

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Do you guys have any friendships that have ended that still bring you pain? This afternoon I found out that one of the two people I have hurt the most in this world will be publishing an essay about our friendship for The Cut. I don’t know when this essay will go live. But it will be different than the articles that called me a scammer for clickbait. Everything in Natalie’s article will be brilliant and beautifully expressed and true. I know this not because I have read her essay but because Natalie is the best writer I know. I still love her. Our friendship ended 2 years ago, but I still walk around New York sometimes, listening to music, running errands, thinking about her. Amsterdam. I’ll let her tell you about that trip because it put her in danger—not me—so maybe it is hers to tell. Maybe she has custody of that story. Sometimes I all but gag with guilt. Sometimes I write emails to her in my head. Sometimes I imagine a future where we’re friends again! Natalie suffered all the consequences of being loved by an addict and none of the benefits of being loved by the woman that recovery made me into. In early August Natalie liked one of my Instagram photos by accident. I knew it was by accident because I know Natalie. But still! I thought: Maybe she is checking in on me because she still wants to be friends! Maybe she still loves me, too. I realize now that she must have been working on the article about us that will be published soon by New York Magazine. My team asked two things of me: To ignore this essay in my posts so I don’t drive traffic to it and to give them Natalie’s email so they could reach out. This is the first time I’ve disobeyed them. You should read Natalie’s article when it comes out. I’ll post a link when it does. Go leave a comment on nymag.com even if it’s insulting me. Every digital impression will be another reason for The Cut to hire Natalie again and to pay her even more next time. And The Cut doesn’t have access to the audience most interested in hating and loving Caroline Calloway. I do. So start anticipating this article. Get excited. Read it. I hope I can support Natalie now in ways I never did during my addiction.

A post shared by Caroline Calloway (@carolinecalloway) on

I did that thing where I caught wind of a story and spent an entire day in a rabbit hole immersing myself within it like an investigative reporter–or someone who does nothing at her job all day–and I’m here to give you the Salty Ju version so you don’t have to read as much as I did. Caroline Calloway is an influencer–you know–those made up jobs that Fyre Festival made famous. Where basic betches make thousands and thousands of dollars to post shit on their Instagram to their culty followers and thus the world is handed to them. Well anyway, this chick Caroline is one of those. She became originally “insta-famous” by posting a picture of rainbow color macarons that ended up on the discover page and therefore she gained like 50,000 followers because girls love a good visually pleasing macaron situation. Fast forward to now, her former best friend who was by her side helping her “write” on her road to “fame” has written a ROUGH hit piece on her, exposing Caroline for everything she is and she sounds like a real entitled turd who loves adderall a lot. Shocking? No. Interesting? YES. I ate this shit right up. If you like to read about draaaamaaaa (said in Derek from Happy Endings voice), the article is very well-written and you can find it HERE , otherwise I’ll break it down for you. Caroline got insta-famous, made Instagram “storytelling” her life and traveled the world on her parents’ dime to take pics in front of things and talk about how traveling is cool and adventures are fun. Her BFF at the time, Natalie, was always there taking her pics and helping her write her captions, living in her shadow. Caroline then got a book deal for like $300,000 or something and enlisted Natalie to help her write it because she couldn’t focus on anything other than doing drugs. They co-wrote it, then Caroline straight peaced out on it and decided it was too hard to finish. (The book was just a compilation of her Instagram stories basically.) Caroline and Natalie lost touch because Natalie realized she hated her stinkin guts and couldn’t hang out with someone so self-obsessed and rich and into drugs anymore. Caroline recently went on “tour” but was selling tickets before booking venues, promising a bunch of shit she didn’t deliver on and everyone was mad online about it. So she then tried to get ahead of the h8ers and call her shitty tour Fyre Fest and wear a shirt that says “Scammer”. CAROLINE, QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD. Well, she didn’t. She got a tip that Natalie was going to publish this tell-all and for the week leading up blabbed on Instagram about how much she loved Natalie and wants everyone to read this article and blames her adderall addiction for being a bad person. Then when she read the article….took a bunch of pictures of herself crying from it after therapy…she decided to set the story straight. By screenshotting every Instagram pictures she’s ever posted and clarifying if she wrote the caption or if Natalie did. I think that’s what the Jersey Shore cast likes to call SPIRALING. THIS IS REAL LIFE, FOLKS. I DID NOT MAKE ANY OF THIS UP. THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS WORLD. Feel free to dive into a deep, dark hole on Caroline’s instagram HERE. Or just pretend we never talked about this and carry on with your lives. This is why I blog. To report the hard-hitting news about someone who makes MILLIONS more than me FOR POSTING HER FEELZ ON INSTAGRAM WITH SELFIES. I’m not bitter. You’re bitter.

3. Office Ladies.

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Jenna Fischer (Pam) and Angela Kinsey (Angela) of The Office have announced a new podcast where they will watch old episodes and talk about behind the scenes stories, have commentary on the episode and probably talk about their lives now. Obviously there’s never any shortage in need/want for The Office content as it’s like the most binged TV show in this world, but let’s get this out of the way REAL quick–Pam SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED. Like by far the worst character in that show and it ain’t even a competition. She wasn’t funny, she wasn’t cool, and the reason everyone tolerates her at all is because of Jim and their adorable love story that he had everything to do with and she had nothing to do with. Go back to Roy, Pam, you stink. Ok now that we’ve gotten that out of our system, I can only hope that Jenna is cool enough to admit how much Pam blows and then I’ll give it a listen. Fingers crossed.

4. THE SITCH IS FREE.

The world can go back to normal now. The Situation is free from jail. Boy have we missed him. I wonder if him and his boy Billy McFarland brainstormed up some new event hijinks to execute. Sitch will have to execute as I assume Billy is still on the inside. One can only hope we have another Fyre Festival brewing, other than Caroline Calloway’s shitty flower crown making tour. And that’s what we refer to as a callback, here in the blogging biz. But seriously, glad Sitch is back, maybe he can talk some sense into his boy Ronnie who has broken up with his abusive girlfriend and gotten back together with her 8 times since he was locked up. T’s and P’s.

5. Grl Power or Something.

I pretty much got nothin for this last headline so I’ll just force you to watch this because I had to watch it. Kinda the common theme this week I guess so it’s fitting. For the new Charlie’s Angels, they dragged these three oddballs together for a song. Ariana does what she always does, wears a high pony and a Halloween costume straight out of Mean Girls. Miley is doing this thing now where she always looks soaking wet and it’s weird and gross. She also licks each of them because now that Miley is single again, her tongue is V. active. And Lana just laid on a bench and writhed around singing in a COMPLETELY different style as the rest of the song. Good work, galz.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/29/18

1. I’m not ok. 

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It’s been a minute ❤️

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I was searching for a 5th piece of celeb news for this week’s roundup when the official statement about Kaitlyn and Shawn was released and I’m not doing well. I reshuffled to put this at the top because it is the most important to me as I have inserted myself into Kaitlyn and Shawn’s relationship as much as any of her other stans. I listen to her podcast and try to copy her outfits on a daily basis and that’s why I feel personally victimized by this news. As much as I shit all over the Bachelor, the first two seasons I watched featured Kaitlyn and she was a funny girl with a potty mouth who happened to find love on TV and OBVIOUSLY I relate to that. The funniness. And the trash mouth. Not the finding love on TV part. I’ve followed them since they got engaged and they both seemed like genuinely good people and they had a relationship that I thought would last–which I can’t say for ANY other bachelor couple. DID I JINX THIS?! Don’t answer that. Things were rough over the summer when people were speculating their breakup because they hadn’t been seen together in a while but like KAITLYN ALWAYS VISITS HER FAMILY IN CANADA. CALM DOWN GUYS. She talked about it on her podcast that they’re both busy and they’re committed to each other. She said just because there’s a rough patch doesn’t mean you give up it means you love the shit out of each other and I was like YEAH GIRL YEAH. And now I feel sad about it. Here’s their official statement released to People before I start crying at my desk thinking about if she’ll get joint custody of Doodle:

“After three incredible years, we have decided to go our separate ways. This difficult decision comes after thoughtful, respectful consideration. Even though we are parting as a couple, we’re very much committed to remaining friends and we will continue to support each other. Due to the nature of how we met, our relationship has always been very public, and we have enjoyed sharing it with all of you, but we ask that you respect our decision and our privacy at this time.”

 

2. JT brings books back.

jt

Going on vocal rest didn’t stop JT from promoting his new coffee table book out this week called Hindsight. In it, there’s some little gems that have come out about him and Gosling tearing it up during the Mickey Mouse Club (legends) and how he met Jess at a party, she laughed at his joke and the rest is history (they banged other people for a while before getting together exclusively.) Also not for nothing but if JT tells a joke…you laugh. That’s just obvious. I WOULD’VE LAUGHED HARDER. Just saying. ALSO he claims that the way they met was a meet-cute right out of a rom com. MEETING AT A PARTY IS NOT A MEET CUTE JUSTIN. GAWD. Ok moving on. Anyway, here he is tearing it up with BFF JFall except it had to be non-verbal so they couldn’t do one of their regular shenanigans and instead they played a rigged version of the best friend game with wife vs bff. Honestly, I’m on team Jess after this abomination of cheating. PS do we think these three have sex? Cause like it got a little too real with pineapple.

BONUS: more JT JFALL time.

 

3. Feeny. FEEHEEEHEEEEEENY.

I’m gonna be real honest, when I saw Feeny in a headline I was like oh, dear God the time has come. I mean he is 91 after all. As much as my Cory Matthews brain would like to believe it, Feeny won’t be around forever. HOWEVER, good news he’s still alive and he literally scared an intruder away by waking up and turning on his light. BOOM. NOT TODAY. Plays with Squirrels agrees with me.

4. Social Media Breakup.

Obviously I’m salivating at all of the post Ariana-Pete breakup news because there’s nothing more entertaining than seeing youths in the social media era deal with a breakup and this one is about as public as it gets because they wouldn’t stop jamming their love down our throat as they jammed their tongues down each other’s. Anyway, Pete is using their breakup for ratings on this season of SNL and to better his standup routine and Ariana is NOT DOWN WITH THAT. Tell EM GIRL! PETE, WHAT IS YOUR REBUTTAL?

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5. Wedding Fever.

gwyn

I got some heart eyes for a couple of wedding dresses this week! Gwyn got married in like September but just released the photos and I laaaaahhhhve that gown. Big Daddy Sitch and his lovely lady also got married this week, moving their nuptials planned for Italy to right now in New Jersey due to his impending jail sentence and inability to leave the state (YOIKES.) Even though watching The Situation on the Jersey Shore might indicate a white trash bash for a wedding, the picture they released looked quite fancy so I guess they used that tax money for somethin! ZING. Ok I’m done with the roasts.

sitch

They both look lovely. It looks like Sitch laid off the self tanner for once and MOST IMPORTANTLY they have no joke the best wedding hashtag in the game. #TheHitchuation?! I MEAN COME ON. THAT’S GENIUS. The only thing fishy about the wedding is that out of the whole J.Shore fam the only two as far as I know who attended were Deena and the Staten Island Dump Angelina. HUH?! Was everyone else really that busy that they couldn’t attend this wedding?! He got the mid series add-on and the dirty little hamster but no VP of MVP, Snooks or JWoww?! Even the camera crews weren’t there to capture it for Jersey Shore: Family Vacation part 15 just kidding we can’t call it vacation anymore because it’s just us living in a house without our kids for TV?! Hmmm…Anyway, congrats you crazy kids!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/23/18

Sorry for the hiatus, but like, you can actually blame Hollywood for not having enough gossip for 5 headlines each week. I know you’ve missed me though so don’t you even fret. I’ll force five worthy stories if I have to.

1. Louis Arthur Charles.

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Obviously the biggest news in the past week has been the birth and then finally name of the latest royal beeb. They really held out on releasing the name until today, which seems pretty dumb considering there’s only like 5 options for a royal name based on family names. The real storyline here is how Kate looked like a total babe soda 5 minutes after giving birth. I can’t even imagine knowing that you’ll walk out of the hospital, post-pushing a human out of your vag, to a swarm of paparazzi and you have to look profesh AF because you’re a royal and the Queen will hate you if you don’t.

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Kate nailed it obviously. As she always does. She looked better than me on a good day by miles and that’s why she’s a Duchess and I am not. If I ever allow a child to destroy my downstairs, I will stay in the hospital unshowered the maximum amount of days allotted and then will spend the first months wearing leggings and oversized sweatshirts. Hell, I’m not even pregnant and I wear that exact outfit on a daily basis anyway, so really I’ll just maintain my current maternity style.

2. RIP Avicii. Another weekend tidbit of news but it also was just updated and confirmed that he took his own life. Sad news in the music world for everyone who likes a little WOMP WOMP in their tunes. The fact that he committed suicide at the age of 28 makes it real eerie. To distract from this depressing news, I will tell the tale of when his banger Levels came out and everyone on the planet played it 24/7 and acted as though they discovered EDM music. It became a running joke among my friend and I to just send each other a text or a tweet and be like omg have you heard that song Levels?! ITS SO GOOD. Unfortunately we can no longer make that joke without it being in bad taste. So instead, treat your ears to the masterpiece that is Levels and think of a 19 year old Julia fist pumping in a trashy homemade neon shirt that covered my shorts thus making it look like I decided not to wear pants at the Barstool Blackout Tour. I not only lost my fake ID (sorry Nikki) that night, I also lost a little piece of my dignity.

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3. Puppet Ed Returns.

I was curious to see how Ed could’ve made a music video out of the second most depressing song on Divide (Supermarket Flowers is obviously the first) and it turns out even though he used puppets, muppets and balloons, it’s still DEPRESSING AF. I think a single tear rolled down my cheek as (spoiler alert) his balloon lady floated away at the end. Damn, Ed. Guess he needed to bring everyone down a notch after Perfect swept the world as most romantic song ever and every young couple’s first dance song at their wedding.

4. Twitter Philosopher: Kanye West. That giant weirdo Kanye has decided to make his triumphant return to the Twitterverse to babble nonsense all hours of the day like he’s making proclamations, or according to him, writing a book in real time. Here’s a smattering of his best tweets to make you giggle to yourself or want to smash your head into your keyboard that this guy is famous and associated with those godforsaken Kardashians…and we’re all poors. He even dragged classy guy John Legend into the mix. No one is safe.

5a. The Sitch to get Hitched.

I’ve been really diving back into the world of Jersey Shore lately. Mostly because I’m back on that funemployment grind and MTV plays 12 hours of Jersey Shore a day. It’s a real eye opening experience to be watching this show as an adult because when it came out I was 18 and thought this crew was living the dream drinking on a boardwalk and working at a t-shirt shop and now I look back and see Snooki getting hammered with her sneaker slippers on in public and Ron/Sam beating each other up and I wonder where my priorities were as a teenager. Either way, obviously they’ve made a comeback as grownups with children still going to clubs in Miami and The Situation has marketed his engagement to the J.Shore fans. As I read the story and realized that this was his college girlfriend, they broke up when he was on the show and got back together afterward I TRULY wonder if she ever saw even one minute of this show because the Situation was disgusting. He was an asshole and he banged a new girl every single night and then probably kissed his muscles before he kicked them out of the smush room. TRUE LOVE PREVAILS I GUESS.

5b. Sisterhood 3! Another preteen throwback for ya, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is probably going to have a third movie because the whole gang of actresses are still BFF’s and Hollywood loves a sequel.

This is great news for me. As an avid reader of the series, I went into a depression for a whole week when Kostas knocked up another girl. DAMNIT KOSTAS YOU GREEK WHORE. I also tried to copy the traveling pants for a summer with my besties except it was a traveling jean skirt and MAN did it see some drama. Just kidding, I wore it on my family vacation and wrote FB in a heart near the pocket because I thought the ferry boy was cute. Should they make a movie about my wild summer in the traveling jean skirt? Most definitely, but I’m still looking forward to this third installment and will be there for it when it gets released.

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