JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/28/2020

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1. This Blows.

I hate kicking off the JUice with sad, sad news but this was unfortunately for sure the biggest piece of celebrity news this week. My first instinct was to think, it sucks that she’s been tweeting and posting from the hospital so everyone knows she’s there and having complications and if it’s a bad outcome she’ll feel obligated to share it since she’s been open about the whole process. And I thought that must really blow to feel like you have to share some of the most horrific and personal moments of your life to complete strangers. And then terrible humans starting attacking her for this post. And lots of moms who have gone through the same thing started to speak out about how everyone’s grieving process is different in these circumstances and this is a part of Chrissy and John’s. I didn’t feel like anything about this post was self-serving or attention grabbing, just simply sharing a tragic experience that they’re going through. I’ve rolled my eyes at Chrissy’s cool girl I think I’m funnier than I am schtick on Twitter a fair amount but if you’re criticizing her for this post then you’re a garbage human and that seems pretty obvious.

2. Dax Relapsed.

Dax-Shepard

I gotta be honest this broke last Friday and I was IMMEDIATELY mad that it wasn’t included in the JUice because I knew about it before people.com did. Why did I know first? Oh, because I’m a diehard Arm Cherry and Dax revealed this story on a special podcast episode that dropped Friday that I listened to immediately and got the full scoop directly from his mouth. Does it make me a bad person that I find out a celebrity with 16 years of sobriety has relapsed and my first thought is DAMNIT THIS MISSED THE CUT FOR THE JUICE TODAY, HOW WILL EVERYONE KNOW I HEARD IT FIRST?! Yes obviously it does. You know how I just called some of you garbage humans above in reference to Chrissy? Yeh, I know. What goes around comes around. Anyway, Dax has had a podcast called Armchair Expert for a few years now and I’ve listened to it since the beginning. My favorite episodes are when he has his celeb besties on and they just goob around and shoot the shit but I’ve also learned stuff about celebs I never knew because he tends to go real deep with his guests, which I can appreciate because I’m SUCH an intellectual, ya know? But not THAT much of one because I immediately delete any episode he has with an actual expert or anytime a celebrity wants to talk politics and not give gossip. Regardless, Dax is constantly very honest and vulnerable on his podcast, sharing stories and tidbits about his own life and struggles with addiction and I imagine many of his listeners felt a sense of pride for him turning his life around and being sober for the past 16 years. Unfortunately he’s relapsed but what I found especially cool about him being completely open about it was that I got a complete picture of what he was feeling and what he was going through and how his years of sobriety actually helped him to cut the shit and reach out for help before it spiraled into something worse. And instead of covering it up publicly like he easily could’ve done, he owned it and basically gave every detail about what happened. As the nosiest person on this earth, I was very into this format. All celebrities should have their own podcasts and own their stories. That’s just my two cents. Anyway, the quick summary is that Dax is a real wild guy and likes to ride motorcycles and dirt bikes and ATVs and all that jazz and has had many injuries over the years. He’s been a little dicey with painkillers in the past, taking more than he needed to when he was prescribed but was always able to control it for the most part and stop taking them when he started to feel better. Recently he had some injuries and his pain medication turned into a more slippery slope until he was medicating throughout the day for no reason and buying them on his own. He still hasn’t done any other drugs or had any alcohol in the past 16 years, but he did celebrate his 16 year sober anniversary high without anyone around him knowing. So it’s a kind of win-lose sitch. In one sense he’s technically still sober from the things that he was truly addicted to (coke & booze) and yet in the other sense, he was hiding the fact that he was on drugs at his AA meetings. Either way, he’s sober now and it will be interesting to hear how honest he is with his recovery moving forward. If you want a taste of the pod, feel free to check out the episode where he shares his story below. Might I also recommend some of my other favorite episodes were Jason Bateman (1 & 2), Oliver & Kate Hudson, & Will Arnett.

3. Birthday Suit.

I mean…HOT DAMN. Love this for her. Mostly because I feel like people very openly make fun of Gwyneth for her bullshit Goop website and her vagina-scented candles and gurl don’t give a fuuuuuuuuuuh. She’s like hey happy birthday to me and my smooooooth naked bod from all the organic, natural, made from tea leaves body butter (purchase on Goop for $95 a jar)! Even better, her teenage daughter commented “MOM” and then “You are killing it tho.” You KNOW Apple was behind that camera telling her mom to pop that flamingo leg to flex those thighs. Not a chance on this earth that Gwyneth’s husband took this photo. Everyone knows that men are trash at taking photos and this perfectly posed nude in the woods shoot just SCREAMS female-directed. Suck in! Tousle your hair! Let me put a woodsy filter on it! Bottom line, Gwyn is 48 and foooooiiiiiine.

4. Borat is Back.

Borat seemed like a one and done gem. I don’t know how many times a guy with a fake kind of Russian accent pretending he’s from a country in Asia can really take the US by storm. The whole point of the first movie was that no one understood that this was an actor playing a character and yet fell for his bit and therefore ended up looking real dumb. I can’t imagine a world where this is all organic again. Borat came out in 2006. I remember screaming YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS in a shiiiiiiitttty Eastern European accent down the hallway in high school. It’s done. It was great for uncomfy situations and quoteable moments and then much like every other pop culture moment in history, everyone got over it and moved on with their lives. For him to tie this into corona virus and this year’s election? No thanks. We’ve got enough of that content on a daily basis. We don’t need anymore. But don’t just blindly follow my opinions, feel free to watch it for yourself and decide if this idea is washed or not…you’ll be in good company as Kimmy K has deemed this a MUST WATCH so you know it’s gonna be a CAN’T MISS (Insert the deepest of eye rolls on this planet here.)

5. Autumn Leaves Falling Like Pieces into Place.

This is for all my Swifties and virtually no one else will give a shit. Tay’s greatest song ever made is most obviously All Too Well, it’s also Fall which is the season that was created from this song. So it seems about right that the subject of All Too Well gave it a nod this week. Jake Gyllenhaal tends to shy away from the public eye and never really confirmed that All Too Well is about him even though we ALL know TOO WELL that it is. This week he goes to make an innocent post about a charity that’s near and dear to his heart and uses a throwback photo of him with glasses and Swifties LOOOOOOOOOST their shit. 100% of the comments on this photo are the lyric “you used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed” or some other variation of the song. My personal favorite is Rachel Zegler (apparently a bud of his) commenting “I’ll be honest mate you set yourself up for this one.” I mean OBVIOUSLY. Is this the stupidest news I’ve ever reported? Probably not. But it made me giggle that a Hollywood actor can get dragged on Instagram just for posting a childhood photo because Taylor Swift now owns his childhood via song. Also, gives me a great excuse to repost the greatest song of all time and also plug my Breakup Boohoos Playlist that was 100% created because of this song.

BONUS: Demi Bounces Back.

That straight famewhore Max who managed to make their breakup all about him and draw even more attention to himself saying he found out through the press and then posting several desperate and weird Insta stories about how much he worships “Demetria” and how she’s the greatest person alive and everyone should listen to her music and why doesn’t she have a Grammy yet. UGH. SHUT UP MAX. Demi didn’t say anything about his fake ass, instead she handled the breakup with class and dropped this new song. GET IT GURL. YOU’RE BETTER OFF! PROUD OF U.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of March 30th, 2020

I haven’t blogged in a minute because the world is ending and nothing seems funny anymore but then when I really thought about it, I figured there’s some people out there who would much rather read about celebrities or listen to a new song or watch a funny video than consume news all day long, which creates more anxiety. So here we are. Turn off the news or take a step away from Twitter and constant scary headlines for a second to consume some nonsense and hopefully have a giggle. I’m going to try to be positive this week. See? I bet THAT made you laugh!

1. Stabler Returns.

It has been announced that Chris Meloni will reprise his role as Elliot Stabler on a new SVU spinoff because Dick Wolf never sleeps, unless he’s nestled snug as a bug in a bed full of money. DUN DUN. Seriously though, I’m not sure if it’s the quarantine or if people are just finally beginning to recognize what a DILF Stabler is but Chris Meloni is having himself a moment. (BTW I know that actors play parts but I refuse to believe Chris Meloni was playing anyone other than himself in Elliot Stabler.) I distinctly remember sitting down for day-long marathons on SVU with my sister and an unhealthy amount of snacks just to drink in the good cop, bad cop routine between Liv and Stabler. Stabler with his badass Irish anger would come in HOT and be like YOU WOULD SAY THAT YOU RAPIST WHO RAPES PEOPLE and pound the table with those bulging ‘ceps, then Liv would saunter into the interrogation room, gently hold Stabler back and in her soft, understanding voice be like what made you do this? Who hurt you? And boom. Confession. Liv and Stabler were the perfect duo and the day they wrote Stabes off the show was a sad one indeed. They’ve reunited here and there and posted nostalgic selfies to give the people what they want, but realistically what we really wanted was for those two to bang because the chemistry was through the roof. But whatever, I got sidetracked into basically writing SVU cosplay and the real topic here is that Stabler is making a comeback, we’ll keep our fingers crossed for a Liv-Stabes reunion (which I’m sure will be in season 1. Dick Wolf loves to cross-pollinate his spinoffs, look no further than the several weeks each year he spends putting his 900 Chicago shows together in one monumental TV event.)

Also, to FULLY prepare yourself for his return to primetime, feast your eyes on this tasty treat:

2. So Does Lindsay Lohan.

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Im back! 👀

A post shared by Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) on

If read the room were ever fully personified, it would be Lindsay Lohan choosing right NOW to announce her comeback and drop a new single that no one, I repeat not one single soul was looking for. And yet someone who thinks they are this important when literally no one has given them a second thought in many years is precisely what we needed. A good laugh at someone else’s expense is the best medicine, is what I always say. This B literally cleared her social media and released the above video at the beginning of the week as if she’s the second coming and the world has been WAITING with baited breathe for this. And thank GOD we didn’t have to wait too long or I would’ve probably chopped my own arms off in anticipation because today she dropped a new single and boy oh boy is it high quality music. Forget about the Lindsay that was a hot mess and moved to Dubai for a minute. Forget about her quick foray into club management in the Greek islands for reality TV. This is the real Lindsay, folks and I don’t know what we ever did to deserve it. In the words of LL in her hawt club tune, “shit got crazy.” But why am I still babbling? Just give yourself a listen to the HEAVILY auto-tuned (probably someone else’s voice in parts) tell you that Lindsay is coming back to herself and all will be ok.

And just like Tiger King dominated the world because we were all forced to watch white trash exotic animal owners fight with each other, this song will dominate as well. We’re all stuck inside and bored as hell and suddenly it’s like wow this song slaps and then it’s on repeat and guess what guys, we’re all Lindsay Lohan fans now. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. THANKS, QUARANTINE. No gas though, this song (below) actually does slap and anyone who says otherwise can see themselves out from this blog. I will forever be grateful for the movie Freaky Friday giving me punk rockstar dreams and a desire to learn how to play guitar. (Obviously I took one lesson, complained my fingies hurt and never attempted again.)

3. Classic Adam Sandler.

Adam Sandler built an entire career upon dumb movies and talk-singing stupid songs and after trying to prove he’s a serious actor in Uncut Gems, this is just what we needed. It’s also very satisfying to see that even someone as rich as Adam Sandler still falls prey to a wife who loves a little Homegoods decor. I’m guessing Mrs. Sandler found the stunning piece of art in the background in 2015 when “You Are My Sunshine” was HOT in the streets of every home decor store on this planet. I’m also guessing I was v. close to a lifetime Teej ban for staging the below photo and calling their shit on Twitter. But that’s neither here nor there. The point is…celebs, they’re just like us!

4. Quarantine Sessions.

Obviously with the endless amount of time at home and people getting stir crazy, there has been an increase in content and people trying their hardest to entertain or generate some laughs and I just wanted to take this moment to give a special shout out to Cal, formerly of the band Timeflies. I’ve blogged about Timeflies before and Cal because not only is he a total babe soda, but he has the ability to freestyle and create songs on the spot. When he used to tour with Timeflies, his gimmick was that he would ask for a hat and a bunch of ripped up pieces of paper with terms about the school or the city he was performing for and then he would pull one out at a time and create a freestyle on the spot. Well he used this creative skill to start doing a new cover a day based on the world’s situation right now and the best part about it is that he thought it would be like a week or two in quarantine and he’d be done. But here we are now with no end in sight and he’s committed to just fully producing and recording a new song and video every day. So shoutout to Cal for creating quality topical beats each and every day with Quarantine Sessions. Don’t eva change. Below is a highlight reel, click HERE for his insta to see them all.

5. Handstand Challenge

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Anyone on social media has seen the millions of challenges that are cycling around as if it’s 1998 and we just re-discovered chain emails. From post a happy selfie to post a travel pic to post a puppy pic to the insufferable pushup or exercise challenges (barf all over me, if you ever tag me in a pushup challenge I’ll never speak to you again.) The world is challenge-happy right now and I’ll be honest this is a new one that I’ve discovered while looking for the last useless thing to distract you today. And WE HAVE FOUND IT. The handstand challenge where you put a shirt on while you’re using your core body muscles to balance upside down. And guess who can do it? ONLY ripped actors with personal trainers and superhero bods. I bet Chris Meloni can do it with that gleaming six pack of his. Seriously, Chris. DO IT. In the meantime we’ll pant over Jake Gyllenhaal, who I feel like I haven’t really thought of since the last time I listened to All Too Well and yet here he is with a little pony tail and a whole lotta body, making dressing while upside down look like a breeze.

Meanwhile, I’m out here spending 30 minutes huffing and puffing on the elliptical every day in my parents basement, dragging my ass up the stairs and then performing whatever song is playing through my headphones to the roomies to get them to laugh and pay attention to me. Same thing, really. (If you didn’t think I was going to work overtime to pivot all of this back to me, then you obviously don’t know me at all.) Handstand, shmandstand, I’d like to see you out of breathe scream-lip sync a song WHILE throwing your limbs around in a form of interpretive dance that should only be known as GANGLEROD. (Spoiler alert: neither song was guessed despite my commitment to the performance) Can only go up from here, now taking requests because I am determined to get one W.

 And for even FURTHER entertainment, feast your peepers on the day my family drank a bunch of homemade espresso martinis and decided to become TikTok’ers. First with our 90’s Beanie Baby knowledge, and then with our very first TikTok group dance. Because if you can’t laugh at yourself, you probably have a giant dump in your pants.

 

Inspiration:

Reality:

Stay safe, y’all!

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