Tag Archives: Jake Gyllenhaal

Music

Taylor Swift – Red (Taylor’s Version)

When we left things in December of 2020, I was at the end of my rope with sad Tay songs. We had just gotten folklore and evermore back to back and there were whispers of a third in woodvale. If you fast forward to the end of my evermore track by track review you’ll find that I said THAT’S ENOUGH. I couldn’t take anymore sobsies. Then a month later she announced Fearless (Taylor’s Version.) We have literally been inundated with Taylor Swift surprise announcements every few months for 2 years now. If you’d like to see my much bitched about rant on this “Taylor’s Version” era, feel free to click HERE and read #5 so I don’t repeat myself for the zillionth time. Down here on earth, I’m a rational fan. I can lose my G-D mind over her releasing a 10 minute version of my favorite song of all time and also be like ok, everyone calm down now. It’s too much. Short films and surprise music videos and her psycho fans are eagle eyeing every TikTok guessing which album will be re-released next. So from an old bird who puts her pajamas on the second she walks in the door from work, here’s a grounded view of Red (Taylor’s Version.)

*It is important to note that Red was released pre-The Salty Ju (so there is no official blog) but it is and has always been my favorite Taylor album. It came out in the fall of my senior year of college, it will forever give me cruising down the thruway in Upstate NY with peak foliage vibes and *not to brag* but I turned 22 that year so THAT SONG WAS BASICALLY WRITTEN FOR ME and anyone who has turned 22 since doesn’t matter and that’s pretty obvious. My age nearly matching up with Taylor has made her albums that much more relatable. Except for the fact that I never had a 3 month whirlwind affair with a Hollywood actor 9 years older than me. But whatevs, my point being that I’ve always been a Red stan and I’ll take any excuse to throw it on rotation and drive around on a crisp fall day singing along. Even though I never originally gave it a track by track review, it wouldn’t be honest to give my gut reactions to these songs I’ve been listening to for 8 years now, also there were THIRTY songs on this album so we will only be breaking down the 9 “from the vault” tracks we’ve never heard before.

Better Man. Alright so there’s two songs “from the vault” (alright, Walt Disney) that were actually written by Taylor and then when she cut them from Red, she sold them off to other country singers to perform. This one was handed over to Little Big Town. So it’s kinda cheating to be like eh this song doesn’t make the cut on my album, sell it to another artist and then circle back and be like I want it now. Total Indian Giver move. If you haven’t been keeping up though, Taylor does whatever the hell she wants now. So LBT can suck it. It’s a classic country breakup ballad though. Cause sometimes you can realize your ex was T-rash but still miss them.

Best Lyric: I know the bravest thing I ever did was run.

Nothing New (Feat Phoebe Bridgers). Immediately was digging on this song. Duetting with Phoebe’s haunting breathy voice really elevated the typical Taylor sound here. Seemed like something that would’ve fit perfectly on her last two emo albums except it’s not about breakups, it’s about when you’re not a shiny new singer anymore and everyone is over you. Based on the pop culture takeover that Taylor has commanded with this re-release and the fact that Spotify literally crashed on Friday at midnight, I don’t think this is a legitimate concern of Taylor’s anymore. And might I add, staying up past 11 on a school night when you’re 30 is embarrassingly difficult and being met with a Spotify “the page you’re looking for does not exist” was a real boner kill. I had myself questioning if I misunderstood which day it was dropping and after finally getting a lil listen in snug as a bug in bed, I was a literal zombie the next morning when my alarm went off. I’m getting too old for this shit. THANKFULLY we had a 7PM short film premiere and now coming up, a 10AM music video. Much more convenient. PS between the “I’ve had too much to drink tonight” and “how long will it be cute, all this crying in my room” I looked around to see if there was a hidden camera in my apt then realized it was physically impossible for 2010 Taylor to know that 2021 Julia is either drunk or crying or bonus round *both* on any given day.

Best Lyric: Criticize the way you fly/ When you’re soaring through the sky/ Shoot you down and then they sigh/ And say, “She looks like she’s been through it”

Babe. The second take backsies on Red (TV.) This one was released by Sugarland but did have Taylor featured on it so it’s not a total rip from Jennifer Nettles’ paws. It is a little weird though because Jennifer has a very distinctive voice so redoing any of her tunes is a stark difference. It’s just meh for me. “What about your promises, promises” would’ve slapped harder with a 3LW lisp. And to be even more honest, a little word association with the word babe immediately brings me back to the Jason Sudeikis & Kristen Wiig “Two A-Holes” SNL bit. Sucks to be you with a normal brain and have lovely positive associations with this term of endearment and then I stomped in and blew that right to smithereens with a callback to Jason chomping gum at warp speed, tacking babe on at the end of every sentence. You’re WELCOME, BEB.

Best Lyric: I hate that because of you, I can’t love you, babe (BEB.)

Message In A Bottle. What a zesty little banger this is! Again, total curveball in the grand scheme of this album. I feel like this would’ve popped OFFFF on 1989 and I’m surprised she lumped it into the Red era. Realistically, every song that Taylor writes and records is a message in a bottle. LOL to think that she’s like I wonder if the person will hear this. Yeah, girl. 90.8 million people hear the message. Anyway, there’s nothing deep to say about this song. It’s fun and 80’s and I can’t wait to dance my face off to it.

Best Lyric: You could be the one that I keep, and I / I could be the reason you can’t sleep at night (Honestly these lyrics are dumb, sorry not sorry. The song ain’t about the lyrics, it’s about having a crush and groovin it out.)

I Bet You Think About Me (Feat Chris Stapleton). The first time I heard this song I cringed because I L O A T H E when Taylor puts on a Dolly twang. It’s so tacky to me. You grew up in Pennsylvania, girl. If anything you should be saying “hoagie” like an uneducated moron, not have a southern drawl. (Please know that when I diss the PA accent, I’m fully aware of the fact that I say “calendar” like an uneducated moron. We’ve all got stupid accents depending on where we grew up.) Obviously everyone has heard “Our Song” and essentially every other song on her debut album where she put on QUITE the show with a little hick flair. While I do enjoy over-enunciating the words to Our Song just to piss off everyone around me, I’m still never going to be down with faking an accent just to do a country song. ESPECIALLY now that you’re a seasoned musician who has proven to be talented beyond belief. We don’t need the dog and pony show you were putting on as a fresh on the scene teenaged singer. Plus, in front of Chris Stapleton?! Girl. Do better. He’s a Nashville ruby red gem. The soulful voice of a cherub and the humble aw shucks I’m just grateful to be here personality that few actually have. I was a little disappointed he didn’t get his own verse like Phoebe did on her guest appearance. I love to hear Chris let it rip. But now that I’ve dumped on the lack of Chris and the presence of fake accent Taylor, I am happy to share that I do really like this song. The cocky laugh at the beginning and the tell-off ‘tude overall is GRAND. I love a snarky Tay. I’ll be the first to admit that 2010 Jake Gyllenhaal was a total babe soda, but my God what a dooooouuuuuuuchhhheeeee. Love that she gave us more ammo to DRAG him because any a-hole who brags about his indie music and his Hollywood connects and leads book talks over wine with his friends deserves to be pooped all over via twangy sass. Million dollar couch and organic shoes?! BOOOOOOO, JAKE, BOo0oOooOo0Oo. Can’t wait for this Blake Lively directed music video.

Best Lyric: I bet you think about me when you say / “Oh my god, she’s insane, she wrote a song about me” – This is the best possible way to end a song where you just DUMPED all over an ex. Wanna call me crazy, DO IT BITCH.

Forever Winter. Considering the content of this song is about someone being severely depressed, it slaps real hard. The way she goes up an octave in the chorus and the oh, oh, oh’s. Chef’s kiss. Apparently it was written for a friend who died of an overdose at 21. So yeah I feel like a real asshat for being like WOW COOL SONG, but also, cool song. Seriously, to have the ability to take a shitty situation and word vom all of your feelings into a bangpiece of a song is something I’ll forever be envious of as I sit on this blog and write poop jokes day in and day out. We’ve all got talents, folks. Some of them are just more impressive than others.

Best Lyric: He spends most of his nights wishing it was how it used to be / He spends most of his flights getting pulled down by gravity

Run (Feat Ed Sheeran). This was the first song Ed and Taylor ever wrote together and even though I’m a BIG fan of Everything Has Changed (and the adorable video that they made to go with it,) this song is like a warm hug after a shitty day. The simplicity to it and their harmonizing voices are perfect. Maybe if something like this was on Ed’s latest album, I wouldn’t have been so hard on it. The way they take turns singing each line is just downright delicious. I’m not saying I wish Ed and Taylor ended up together but I’m not NOT saying it either.

Best Lyric: There’s been this hole in my heart / This thing was a shot in the dark / Say you’ll never let ’em tear us apart

The Very First Night. Another bubblegum pop beat about falling in love and wanting to be up that person’s butthole 24/7. It’s a gift how I can take a cute little song and incorporate the world butthole into it. For realz though everyone knows when you’re in the honeymoon phase of a relationship and you want to follow that person into the bathroom so that you never have to be apart for even one second. It’s all fun and games and smothering until one time you get too snuggly while your boyfriend is eating dinner and he tells you to back off. HONEYMOON PHASE ENDS WITH A SHARP LEFT, FOLKS. Jus sayin. So enjoy this song and soak in the “I miss you so hard when we don’t talk for five minutes” glow while it lasts because as Tay sings…”we broke the status quo, then we broke each other’s hearts.” See? Dark turn.

Best Lyric: I drive down different roads / But they all lead back to you

All Too Well (Ten Minute Version). HERE IT IS BABY. Saved the best for last. Taylor dropped the “oh I have a ten minute version with swear words” morsel over a year ago at this point and since then I’ve been salivating in wait for its release. She obviously knew how savage we all were for this treasure and she built it up as much as one possibly could. Any true fan did exactly what I did upon the re-release of this album. Midnight hit (I refreshed Spotify 5 times until the album appeared) and I scrolled straight down to this track and smashed play. Nothing else mattered. I knew I would get to them eventually but first order of business was see if this was going to ruin the best breakup song ever written or make it infinitely better. And here’s my Salty Ju hot take. My very first listen I was not blown away. I felt like it didn’t flow. These new verses almost sounded like they were parts of a different song, wedged in and disjointed with the perfection that was the OG All Too Well. Then I slept on it. And when I revisited it the following day (SEVERAL times), I was able to approach with a clearer head. Obviously a song that’s 10 minutes long is going to sound nothing like the original version half its length. I’m so glad we got that one first and nothing will ever top it. But now I’m able to appreciate the bigger picture. And that picture is her spilling more tea on how much Jake stinks. And yes, I am absolutely here for it. I prepped all week to get in my feels and become one with heartbreak. The weather cooperated.

@thesaltyju

To ALL of my friends begging me to hang out…I’m booked on Friday night. #redtaylorsversion #swifttok #alltoowell

♬ All Too Well Taylor Swift – TaylorswiftxFolklore

If I may go verse by verse of the new lyrics…*pops the top on a $7 rosé (shout out Wegmans)*

[Verse 2]
Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed
And your mother’s telling stories ’bout you on the tee-ball team
You taught me ’bout your past, thinking your future was me
And you were tossing me the car keys, “fuck the patriarchy”
Key chain on the ground, we were always skipping town
And I was thinking on the drive down, any time now
He’s gonna say it’s love, you never called it what it was
‘Til we were dead and gone and buried
Check the pulse and come back swearing it’s the same
After three months in the grave
And then you wondered where it went to as I reached for you
But all I felt was shame and you held my lifeless frame

I was hoping for Taylor to be so overcome with emotion that there were several F bombs. As someone who in the throes of a 6th grade breakup instant messaged “I’m so fuckin sorry” to my weasel of a boyfriend (of two weeks) for how much whining he was doing that I said we should break up so I could play the middle school field, I understand all too well how heartbreak (and guilt) can cause someone to swear like a sailor. Unfortunately, this much hyped explicit content was SUCH a letdown. Making fun of Jake for having a “fuck the patriarchy” keychain is SnOoZeWoRtHy. Come onnnnnnn. Give us some snarky F bombs not a “oOoh you’re a feminist but not really because you treated me like shit” dig. Besides that lamewad keychain, the additional lyrics further paint the picture that in these brief three months, their 9 year age gap was a huge point of contention and Taylor fell HOARD while Jake was more in love with himself than anything else. So right off the bat we get that she was WAY more into it than him and that he was almost ashamed or wanted it to be a secret from his snotty crowd.

And there we are again when nobody had to know / You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath

And then we get to my FAVE new verse. It flows like butta and honestly by like the third rotation of me listening, I was getting annoyed with myself that I hadn’t learned the words yet. Yes that’s right, a 10 minute song that was out for mere hours I was disappointed in not having known every single word of.

[Verse 3]
They say all’s well that ends well, but I’m in a new Hell
Every time you double-cross my mind
You said if we had been closer in age maybe it would have been fine
And that made me want to die
The idea you had of me, who was she?
A never-needy, ever-lovely jewel whose shine reflects on you
Not weeping in a party bathroom
Some actress asking me what happened, you
That’s what happened, you
You who charmed my dad with self-effacing jokes
Sipping coffee like you’re on a late-night show
But then he watched me watch the front door all night, willing you to come
And he said, “It’s supposed to be fun turning twenty-one”

OH MY GOD WHERE TO BEGIN. How about with that first line “all’s well that ends well but I’m in a new hell” YEAH BABY. THE FLOW. Then going right into the savagery of “that’s what happened, YOU.” Damn, dude. I don’t care how many years have passed, that’s gotta hurt. And then to double down with some good ole fashioned Dad guilt. Hey remember when you charmed my dad but then he watched me sob on my 21st birthday because of your stupid ass. MY DAD HATES YOU NOW. But also, not shocking at all that Tay spent her 21st crying instead of getting trashed. Without a lame 21st birthday…would we have gotten the joyful anthem that is 22?! PROBABLY NOT, so for that Jake, we thank you for your service.

And then if I may be a scooch critical… by adding in the previous verse, we kinda lose the buildup BANG of crumpled piece of paper and you keep my old scarf. The original “All Too Well” CRUSHES at building up to a real scream-fest and I love it a whole lot, but with this sprawling story, there’s really no screaming climax. I miss it. Don’t get me wrong, Verse 3 also hits hard, but it’s a more subtle slow burn. And then we arrive at the completely unnecessary final new verse where I was almost like ok, he’s got a family, let’s pull back here. It seemed a little TOO “wait let me make him feel worse.” If the final verse was cut I don’t think that I’d miss it. Plus the beat completely changes and it’s just weird. It feels to me like it doesn’t fit.

[Verse 5]
And I was never good at telling jokes, but the punch line goes
“I’ll get older, but your lovers stay my age”
From when your Brooklyn broke my skin and bones
I’m a soldier who’s returning half her weight
And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue?
Just between us, did the love affair maim you, too?
‘Cause in this city’s barren cold
I still remember the first fall of snow
And how it glistened as it fell
I remember it all too well

Like yeah, the pussy posse is always going to slay girls half their age, we’ve all accepted that. Leo’s getting the last laugh at any criticism of his latest young boo thing and I can tell you Jake probably feels the same way. Does it suck that he pointed out your age difference as the reason why things weren’t working then continued to date girls your age? For sure. But it seems a little dramats to compare your heartbreak to a war survivor. I realize I’m one of the most dramatic people on this earth and I’m telling a fellow drama queen to tone it down but it comes from a genuine place. Know when to amp up the drama and when to let it simmer. “That’s what happened, YOU” was a sick burn, no need to then be like YOU BROKE MY BODY AND I WAS AT WAR FROM DATING YOU. It’s too much, girl. Also, the use of the phrase “twin flame” will unfortunately always bring my brain to the two cesspools of tongue that are Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox and that’s not your fault, Tay. Obviously in 2010 you had no clue these two morons would tromp into the spotlight and overshare about their sexual connection. And I’ll be honest it’s not the only zeitgeist buzzword that has made me want to drill a hole in my brain. The term gaslighting, which MANY fans have been using as they break down this song makes me want to take a dive directly off of a cliff. I wish we could do a collective crash course on what the actual definition of this stupid therapy term is because METHINKS that it’s being used incorrectly 90% of the time. If I were to blindly believe the majority of the population these days, every man is a narcissist who gaslights. But that’s a story for another time. From this verse we transition into basically the same lyrics repeated over and over again with this sexy slow jam beat. Going out with a whimper not a bang even though it sounds like we’ve got a little horns section cookin at the end.

WHAT A JOURNEY. From the haunting and melancholy tone of the first piano keys to start to this echo-y sensual sendoff. It is basically a movie playing out in musical form. So much so that Taylor said, you know what? I’m literally going to make it into a movie. Never one to be less than extra, she created this short film to go along with the song. It was fine. If I was missing F bombs in the song they were certainly in no short order in these fight scenes. If you’re so inclined to spend 15 minutes watching a relationship break down as the leaves fall, check it out. Or even if you want to see Taylor as a ginge. (Spoiler alert: fast forward to the end for that.)

Would it have been mind-bending if Jake himself made an appearance at the end rather than just some schmuck named Jake? Yes OBVIOUSLY. But alas, it doesn’t seem like these two could bury the hatchet for the sake of shock value. And realistically, it seems like Jake’s sense of humor is trash so him being in on the joke would be way too much to ask. But after my RAMBLING breakdown of the song Swifties have been patiently waiting for, if you’re not a Tay fan and you just skimmed through this, I will give a 10/10 recommendation to her SNL debut of this song. Just from an artist performance standpoint, she rocked it. The drama and the effects and the emotion as she sang this song were all nailed perfectly and that’s saying a lot from someone who hasn’t watched SNL live in so long that I had to google what time it started. I watched the whole stupid show just for this one performance that I could’ve easily YouTubed the next morning but THAT IS DEDICATION FOLKS and it paid off. I had chills. CHILLS I TELL YOU.

As Colin Jost said immediately following this performance: “The lesson we all learned this week is never break up with Taylor Swift or she will sing about you for ten minutes on national television.” DAS RIGHT, HOMESLICE. Ok but seriously I’m done now for realz. I got what I wanted and now I’m going to play it on loop, learn the words front to back and ruin my best friend’s wedding this weekend by drunkenly performing it at the reception probably using my beer as a fake microphone. Congrats and every happiness to the new couple but…THEY SAY ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL AND I’M IN A NEW HELL EVERY TIME YOU DOUBLE CROSS MY MIIIIINNNNNNNNDDDDDDDD.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/28/2020

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1. This Blows.

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We are shocked and in the kind of deep pain you only hear about, the kind of pain we’ve never felt before. We were never able to stop the bleeding and give our baby the fluids he needed, despite bags and bags of blood transfusions. It just wasn’t enough. . . We never decide on our babies’ names until the last possible moment after they’re born, just before we leave the hospital.  But we, for some reason, had started to call this little guy in my belly Jack.  So he will always be Jack to us.  Jack worked so hard to be a part of our little family, and he will be, forever. . . To our Jack – I’m so sorry that the first few moments of your life were met with so many complications, that we couldn’t give you the home you needed to survive.  We will always love you. . . Thank you to everyone who has been sending us positive energy, thoughts and prayers.  We feel all of your love and truly appreciate you. . . We are so grateful for the life we have, for our wonderful babies Luna and Miles, for all the amazing things we’ve been able to experience.  But everyday can’t be full of sunshine.  On this darkest of days, we will grieve, we will cry our eyes out. But we will hug and love each other harder and get through it.

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I hate kicking off the JUice with sad, sad news but this was unfortunately for sure the biggest piece of celebrity news this week. My first instinct was to think, it sucks that she’s been tweeting and posting from the hospital so everyone knows she’s there and having complications and if it’s a bad outcome she’ll feel obligated to share it since she’s been open about the whole process. And I thought that must really blow to feel like you have to share some of the most horrific and personal moments of your life to complete strangers. And then terrible humans starting attacking her for this post. And lots of moms who have gone through the same thing started to speak out about how everyone’s grieving process is different in these circumstances and this is a part of Chrissy and John’s. I didn’t feel like anything about this post was self-serving or attention grabbing, just simply sharing a tragic experience that they’re going through. I’ve rolled my eyes at Chrissy’s cool girl I think I’m funnier than I am schtick on Twitter a fair amount but if you’re criticizing her for this post then you’re a garbage human and that seems pretty obvious.

2. Dax Relapsed.

Dax-Shepard

I gotta be honest this broke last Friday and I was IMMEDIATELY mad that it wasn’t included in the JUice because I knew about it before people.com did. Why did I know first? Oh, because I’m a diehard Arm Cherry and Dax revealed this story on a special podcast episode that dropped Friday that I listened to immediately and got the full scoop directly from his mouth. Does it make me a bad person that I find out a celebrity with 16 years of sobriety has relapsed and my first thought is DAMNIT THIS MISSED THE CUT FOR THE JUICE TODAY, HOW WILL EVERYONE KNOW I HEARD IT FIRST?! Yes obviously it does. You know how I just called some of you garbage humans above in reference to Chrissy? Yeh, I know. What goes around comes around. Anyway, Dax has had a podcast called Armchair Expert for a few years now and I’ve listened to it since the beginning. My favorite episodes are when he has his celeb besties on and they just goob around and shoot the shit but I’ve also learned stuff about celebs I never knew because he tends to go real deep with his guests, which I can appreciate because I’m SUCH an intellectual, ya know? But not THAT much of one because I immediately delete any episode he has with an actual expert or anytime a celebrity wants to talk politics and not give gossip. Regardless, Dax is constantly very honest and vulnerable on his podcast, sharing stories and tidbits about his own life and struggles with addiction and I imagine many of his listeners felt a sense of pride for him turning his life around and being sober for the past 16 years. Unfortunately he’s relapsed but what I found especially cool about him being completely open about it was that I got a complete picture of what he was feeling and what he was going through and how his years of sobriety actually helped him to cut the shit and reach out for help before it spiraled into something worse. And instead of covering it up publicly like he easily could’ve done, he owned it and basically gave every detail about what happened. As the nosiest person on this earth, I was very into this format. All celebrities should have their own podcasts and own their stories. That’s just my two cents. Anyway, the quick summary is that Dax is a real wild guy and likes to ride motorcycles and dirt bikes and ATVs and all that jazz and has had many injuries over the years. He’s been a little dicey with painkillers in the past, taking more than he needed to when he was prescribed but was always able to control it for the most part and stop taking them when he started to feel better. Recently he had some injuries and his pain medication turned into a more slippery slope until he was medicating throughout the day for no reason and buying them on his own. He still hasn’t done any other drugs or had any alcohol in the past 16 years, but he did celebrate his 16 year sober anniversary high without anyone around him knowing. So it’s a kind of win-lose sitch. In one sense he’s technically still sober from the things that he was truly addicted to (coke & booze) and yet in the other sense, he was hiding the fact that he was on drugs at his AA meetings. Either way, he’s sober now and it will be interesting to hear how honest he is with his recovery moving forward. If you want a taste of the pod, feel free to check out the episode where he shares his story below. Might I also recommend some of my other favorite episodes were Jason Bateman (1 & 2), Oliver & Kate Hudson, & Will Arnett.

3. Birthday Suit.

I mean…HOT DAMN. Love this for her. Mostly because I feel like people very openly make fun of Gwyneth for her bullshit Goop website and her vagina-scented candles and gurl don’t give a fuuuuuuuuuuh. She’s like hey happy birthday to me and my smooooooth naked bod from all the organic, natural, made from tea leaves body butter (purchase on Goop for $95 a jar)! Even better, her teenage daughter commented “MOM” and then “You are killing it tho.” You KNOW Apple was behind that camera telling her mom to pop that flamingo leg to flex those thighs. Not a chance on this earth that Gwyneth’s husband took this photo. Everyone knows that men are trash at taking photos and this perfectly posed nude in the woods shoot just SCREAMS female-directed. Suck in! Tousle your hair! Let me put a woodsy filter on it! Bottom line, Gwyn is 48 and foooooiiiiiine.

4. Borat is Back.

Borat seemed like a one and done gem. I don’t know how many times a guy with a fake kind of Russian accent pretending he’s from a country in Asia can really take the US by storm. The whole point of the first movie was that no one understood that this was an actor playing a character and yet fell for his bit and therefore ended up looking real dumb. I can’t imagine a world where this is all organic again. Borat came out in 2006. I remember screaming YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS in a shiiiiiiitttty Eastern European accent down the hallway in high school. It’s done. It was great for uncomfy situations and quoteable moments and then much like every other pop culture moment in history, everyone got over it and moved on with their lives. For him to tie this into corona virus and this year’s election? No thanks. We’ve got enough of that content on a daily basis. We don’t need anymore. But don’t just blindly follow my opinions, feel free to watch it for yourself and decide if this idea is washed or not…you’ll be in good company as Kimmy K has deemed this a MUST WATCH so you know it’s gonna be a CAN’T MISS (Insert the deepest of eye rolls on this planet here.)

5. Autumn Leaves Falling Like Pieces into Place.

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I’ve worn my glasses ever since I parted my hair meticulously with gel (see above), which is why NEW EYES has always been near and dear to my heart. Since 1932, @neweyes_ has provided eyeglasses to people who needed them most. I’m thrilled that they’ve partnered with @theinspireprojectus to create Project Human: Changing the Way We See the World, a speaker series coming to schools and remote learners this fall. Project Human is designed to spark conversations focusing on unity and equality. It’s an opportunity for students to interact with public figures and do what they do best: Keep ‘em on their toes! For a full line-up of speakers or to bring Project Human to a school near you, visit: http://theinspireproject.us/project-human/

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This is for all my Swifties and virtually no one else will give a shit. Tay’s greatest song ever made is most obviously All Too Well, it’s also Fall which is the season that was created from this song. So it seems about right that the subject of All Too Well gave it a nod this week. Jake Gyllenhaal tends to shy away from the public eye and never really confirmed that All Too Well is about him even though we ALL know TOO WELL that it is. This week he goes to make an innocent post about a charity that’s near and dear to his heart and uses a throwback photo of him with glasses and Swifties LOOOOOOOOOST their shit. 100% of the comments on this photo are the lyric “you used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed” or some other variation of the song. My personal favorite is Rachel Zegler (apparently a bud of his) commenting “I’ll be honest mate you set yourself up for this one.” I mean OBVIOUSLY. Is this the stupidest news I’ve ever reported? Probably not. But it made me giggle that a Hollywood actor can get dragged on Instagram just for posting a childhood photo because Taylor Swift now owns his childhood via song. Also, gives me a great excuse to repost the greatest song of all time and also plug my Breakup Boohoos Playlist that was 100% created because of this song.

BONUS: Demi Bounces Back.

That straight famewhore Max who managed to make their breakup all about him and draw even more attention to himself saying he found out through the press and then posting several desperate and weird Insta stories about how much he worships “Demetria” and how she’s the greatest person alive and everyone should listen to her music and why doesn’t she have a Grammy yet. UGH. SHUT UP MAX. Demi didn’t say anything about his fake ass, instead she handled the breakup with class and dropped this new song. GET IT GURL. YOU’RE BETTER OFF! PROUD OF U.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of March 30th, 2020

I haven’t blogged in a minute because the world is ending and nothing seems funny anymore but then when I really thought about it, I figured there’s some people out there who would much rather read about celebrities or listen to a new song or watch a funny video than consume news all day long, which creates more anxiety. So here we are. Turn off the news or take a step away from Twitter and constant scary headlines for a second to consume some nonsense and hopefully have a giggle. I’m going to try to be positive this week. See? I bet THAT made you laugh!

1. Stabler Returns.

It has been announced that Chris Meloni will reprise his role as Elliot Stabler on a new SVU spinoff because Dick Wolf never sleeps, unless he’s nestled snug as a bug in a bed full of money. DUN DUN. Seriously though, I’m not sure if it’s the quarantine or if people are just finally beginning to recognize what a DILF Stabler is but Chris Meloni is having himself a moment. (BTW I know that actors play parts but I refuse to believe Chris Meloni was playing anyone other than himself in Elliot Stabler.) I distinctly remember sitting down for day-long marathons on SVU with my sister and an unhealthy amount of snacks just to drink in the good cop, bad cop routine between Liv and Stabler. Stabler with his badass Irish anger would come in HOT and be like YOU WOULD SAY THAT YOU RAPIST WHO RAPES PEOPLE and pound the table with those bulging ‘ceps, then Liv would saunter into the interrogation room, gently hold Stabler back and in her soft, understanding voice be like what made you do this? Who hurt you? And boom. Confession. Liv and Stabler were the perfect duo and the day they wrote Stabes off the show was a sad one indeed. They’ve reunited here and there and posted nostalgic selfies to give the people what they want, but realistically what we really wanted was for those two to bang because the chemistry was through the roof. But whatever, I got sidetracked into basically writing SVU cosplay and the real topic here is that Stabler is making a comeback, we’ll keep our fingers crossed for a Liv-Stabes reunion (which I’m sure will be in season 1. Dick Wolf loves to cross-pollinate his spinoffs, look no further than the several weeks each year he spends putting his 900 Chicago shows together in one monumental TV event.)

Also, to FULLY prepare yourself for his return to primetime, feast your eyes on this tasty treat:

2. So Does Lindsay Lohan.

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Im back! 👀

A post shared by Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) on

If read the room were ever fully personified, it would be Lindsay Lohan choosing right NOW to announce her comeback and drop a new single that no one, I repeat not one single soul was looking for. And yet someone who thinks they are this important when literally no one has given them a second thought in many years is precisely what we needed. A good laugh at someone else’s expense is the best medicine, is what I always say. This B literally cleared her social media and released the above video at the beginning of the week as if she’s the second coming and the world has been WAITING with baited breathe for this. And thank GOD we didn’t have to wait too long or I would’ve probably chopped my own arms off in anticipation because today she dropped a new single and boy oh boy is it high quality music. Forget about the Lindsay that was a hot mess and moved to Dubai for a minute. Forget about her quick foray into club management in the Greek islands for reality TV. This is the real Lindsay, folks and I don’t know what we ever did to deserve it. In the words of LL in her hawt club tune, “shit got crazy.” But why am I still babbling? Just give yourself a listen to the HEAVILY auto-tuned (probably someone else’s voice in parts) tell you that Lindsay is coming back to herself and all will be ok.

And just like Tiger King dominated the world because we were all forced to watch white trash exotic animal owners fight with each other, this song will dominate as well. We’re all stuck inside and bored as hell and suddenly it’s like wow this song slaps and then it’s on repeat and guess what guys, we’re all Lindsay Lohan fans now. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. THANKS, QUARANTINE. No gas though, this song (below) actually does slap and anyone who says otherwise can see themselves out from this blog. I will forever be grateful for the movie Freaky Friday giving me punk rockstar dreams and a desire to learn how to play guitar. (Obviously I took one lesson, complained my fingies hurt and never attempted again.)

3. Classic Adam Sandler.

Adam Sandler built an entire career upon dumb movies and talk-singing stupid songs and after trying to prove he’s a serious actor in Uncut Gems, this is just what we needed. It’s also very satisfying to see that even someone as rich as Adam Sandler still falls prey to a wife who loves a little Homegoods decor. I’m guessing Mrs. Sandler found the stunning piece of art in the background in 2015 when “You Are My Sunshine” was HOT in the streets of every home decor store on this planet. I’m also guessing I was v. close to a lifetime Teej ban for staging the below photo and calling their shit on Twitter. But that’s neither here nor there. The point is…celebs, they’re just like us!

4. Quarantine Sessions.

Obviously with the endless amount of time at home and people getting stir crazy, there has been an increase in content and people trying their hardest to entertain or generate some laughs and I just wanted to take this moment to give a special shout out to Cal, formerly of the band Timeflies. I’ve blogged about Timeflies before and Cal because not only is he a total babe soda, but he has the ability to freestyle and create songs on the spot. When he used to tour with Timeflies, his gimmick was that he would ask for a hat and a bunch of ripped up pieces of paper with terms about the school or the city he was performing for and then he would pull one out at a time and create a freestyle on the spot. Well he used this creative skill to start doing a new cover a day based on the world’s situation right now and the best part about it is that he thought it would be like a week or two in quarantine and he’d be done. But here we are now with no end in sight and he’s committed to just fully producing and recording a new song and video every day. So shoutout to Cal for creating quality topical beats each and every day with Quarantine Sessions. Don’t eva change. Below is a highlight reel, click HERE for his insta to see them all.

5. Handstand Challenge

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Anyone on social media has seen the millions of challenges that are cycling around as if it’s 1998 and we just re-discovered chain emails. From post a happy selfie to post a travel pic to post a puppy pic to the insufferable pushup or exercise challenges (barf all over me, if you ever tag me in a pushup challenge I’ll never speak to you again.) The world is challenge-happy right now and I’ll be honest this is a new one that I’ve discovered while looking for the last useless thing to distract you today. And WE HAVE FOUND IT. The handstand challenge where you put a shirt on while you’re using your core body muscles to balance upside down. And guess who can do it? ONLY ripped actors with personal trainers and superhero bods. I bet Chris Meloni can do it with that gleaming six pack of his. Seriously, Chris. DO IT. In the meantime we’ll pant over Jake Gyllenhaal, who I feel like I haven’t really thought of since the last time I listened to All Too Well and yet here he is with a little pony tail and a whole lotta body, making dressing while upside down look like a breeze.

Meanwhile, I’m out here spending 30 minutes huffing and puffing on the elliptical every day in my parents basement, dragging my ass up the stairs and then performing whatever song is playing through my headphones to the roomies to get them to laugh and pay attention to me. Same thing, really. (If you didn’t think I was going to work overtime to pivot all of this back to me, then you obviously don’t know me at all.) Handstand, shmandstand, I’d like to see you out of breathe scream-lip sync a song WHILE throwing your limbs around in a form of interpretive dance that should only be known as GANGLEROD. (Spoiler alert: neither song was guessed despite my commitment to the performance) Can only go up from here, now taking requests because I am determined to get one W.

 And for even FURTHER entertainment, feast your peepers on the day my family drank a bunch of homemade espresso martinis and decided to become TikTok’ers. First with our 90’s Beanie Baby knowledge, and then with our very first TikTok group dance. Because if you can’t laugh at yourself, you probably have a giant dump in your pants.

 

Inspiration:

Reality:

Stay safe, y’all!

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