JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/11/2020

Happy Friday and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

If you know me you know that I don’t make a big deal about my birthday. Just kidding, if you haven’t sent me a gift and/or birthday wishes deeper than an “HBD” Facebook post, you’re dead to me. Now let’s dive into breaking news this week other than me being one year away from turning thirty and still living in complete and utter shamblez.

1. The Office Wedding.

The only downfall of John Krasinski’s Some Good News is that it comes out at the beginning of the week so everyone has already yapped it to death by the end of the week. But this reunion deserves a shoutout. Pam & Jim’s wedding with the entire office recreating the JK Wedding Dance is an iconic moment and the fact that they all were able to deliver that to us in the shitty year of our Lord 2020 is definitely SOME GOOD NEWS.  Knocked it out of the park with that one, JK. (Wedding starts around the 8 minute mark if you’re not interested in anything other than celebrities…if you’re actually a good person who cares about the world, feel free to watch in full.) And might I add that Dwight kicking a bridesmaid directly in the face in the original episode is laugh out loud hilarious and when he recreated it I still burst into a fit of giggles. Guess I just really like watching bitches get kicked in the moneymaker. Other than allowing us all to enjoy a flashback to when we could shamelessly enjoy Chris Brown’s Forever without feeling guilty that he turned out to be such a dirtbag, John also invited Zac Brown on to sing the bride down the aisle with a new tune and it got REAL dusty when that happened. That handsome devil John has managed to make me cry at literally every one of these episodes he does. If I may complain though (I don’t know how not to) it was weird as hell watching someone surprise get married on Zoom. Like I feel like a little preparation or further instruction wouldn’t have hurt in this scenario. The bride is supposed to be “walking” down the aisle and yet we’re all just sitting there staring at everyone’s faces while Zac plays a lick. Even when Forever comes on everyone pretty much stayed seated. You’re gonna tell me that ONE TWO THREE FOUR hits your speakers and you’re NOT immediately dropping it down low?! Like come on, if you’re gonna have John Krasinski officiate your wedding and bring all of his celebrity friends you really gotta go for it. Felt a little stiff, TBH. And for my final complaint, he invited their parents on and her old ass dad barely got a peep in ON HIS DAUGHTER’S WEDDING DAY. (My dad would never stand for that.) Were they Zoom muted?! And of course his only comment was we never thought this moment would come. Burn city, Population: Susan. For more Office superfan content, Jim also went on the Office Ladies podcast to recap the Casino Night episode and shared tidbits about their first kiss and how he kept the original teapot gift from the show. I would have listened to the episode to get more juice but I committed to the first episode of this podcast when it dropped and wanted to chop my ears off SO badly from how annoying these two were that I couldn’t fathom listening to anymore. I’m a fan but I won’t put myself through that, even for BTS deets.

2. Jerry Stiller.

We lost a classic comedy actor this week and honestly the roles that I remember him for are what are considered as his “second act” and even those were iconic, which means I can’t even imagine everything he did before I was even born. I love the fact that Jerry and Anne were a comedy duo and still managed to stay together for 62 years. SIXTY. TWO. That’s unreal. They worked together, didn’t kill each other and stayed in love and laughing forever. That’s the dream right there. To be clear, the dream is that someone finds me funny for 62 years. The never-ending love thing seems suspicious. Either way, Jerry lived a full life in show biz and gave us a lot of memorable characters. It says everything about me that one of the first ones I thought of was him and Anne in Heavyweights as the Bushkins who get pushed out by Tony Perkis. Hi-Hi-HIYA! I guess that’s why when we all went around the room in film class in college and were asked to share our favorite movie, I said Heavyweights while everyone else named Oscar-winning films. But I digress. Jerry played dramatic outrage like nobody else and had the ability to make shouting pretty hilarious and not at all abrasive. And for that among a billion other things, he’ll be remembered.

3. Anotha Quarantine Divorce.

mk-olivier

To be completely up front with you, when I read the headline that MK was getting a divorce, I honestly had to think long and hard as to when she even got married. Then I scolded myself because I included her wedding in the JUice because they had BOWLS OF CIGGS at it. And honestly, HOW COULD I FORGET THAT?! MK probably wore a black cloak as her wedding gown, marries a French banker and they encourage everyone to celebrate their union with unlimited puffs. Unfortunately for us all, a very smoky wedding does not a successful marriage guarantee. Unfortunately for MK, the state of NY does not find a divorce filing supes essential during COVID times and therefore it’s being tabled. She also tried to file an emergency order because apparently Sarkozy terminated their NY lease and told her to get the hell out. So basically as we all have learned, divorce sucks already and then you throw fame and a national pandemic in the mix and shit really starts popping off. Here’s hoping Ash can help a sister out in a New York Minute.

ciggyMK

PS I would be a terrible blogger if while blogging about a divorce of a couple that probably had no biz being together to begin with, I didn’t include their most iconic photo together. Cause nothing says forever love like forcefully holding someone’s head in place to smooch them.

Screen Shot 2020-05-14 at 10.09.51 PM

PPS Last night my sister said the phrase so little time, which triggered me to sing the theme song from MK&A’s WORST show (Two of a Kind was their best, obviously)–I was a little rosé buzzed last night so I thought I was being hilarious–but that song is a BANGPIECE. So let’s all enjoy it as we say farewell to MK’s marriage.

so little time

4. Kaitlyn Bristowe: Popstar Edition.

KB’s really going for broke this Quarantine szn. She already has a podcast, scrunchie/hair accessory line, wine label, live tour of her podcast (obviously had to be cancelled) and does various appearances for Bachelor-related things. Last week she dropped a Youtube show and this week it’s a single. And you know what? If I had a following like hers that was willing to drop $22 on a regular ass scrunchie, I’d try it all too. The only thing stopping me from being a total attention whore is that I don’t have a following. She releases this very mediocre, produced pop country (can we really call it country?) song and it’s a best seller on Apple music just because of how many fans she has that worship whatever she does. And again, I’m jelly. This is coming from a jealous place. I mean people were comparing her to Taylor Swift. Give the song a listen and let me know if that sounds like  a T.Swift joint. Am I going to probably download it anyway? If I’m being honest…yeah. I’m probably also going to re-watch the first episode of her Youtube series where she talks about moving back home in her late twenties after a breakup and being depressed AF before going on the Bachelor and becoming D-list famous so that I can visualize that for myself as well. Maybe by my 34th birthday I’ll talk about how I went from making TikToks about hand sanitizer that had 0 views to becoming the next Joan Rivers. You know how people make vision boards? That’s mine. Frame it. We’ll circle back in a few years. Wouldn’t hate having my own Rosé either. Add that to the list. And nail some choreography for real and not in a “but you still look like you’re having fun” way. But that’s all. K, I’m done.

@thesaltyju

If you don’t also scream sing HE LOOKS UP GRINNING LIKE A DEVIL, are you even a Taylor Swift fan? #cruelsummer #taylorswift #fyp #swiftie #lover

♬ orijinal ses – taylor_swift13.3

Also we get it…you guys LOVE AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER. Ugh. ALL the eye rolls in the world. It’s not taking a risk if you sell out scrunchies in a matter of seconds…you know you have fans that will buy your product whatever it may be. K, bye for real now.

5. Lizzie McGuire Gang Hang.

I was hoping something more newsworthy would come through because I know there’s a VERY small Lizzie McGuire demographic here but alas not much was popping this week. I expect 0 of you to sit through a cast table read of a Lizzie McGuire episode about her buying her first bra like I did, so I’m happy to sum it up for you. They chose to read this episode because it was controversial at the time for the Disney channel to be covering puberty and development. They could only say bra a certain number of times and they could only show a pile of bras and not one singular bra. HOW WEIRD IS THAT. Disney channel, RELAX. It’s also relevant as they do the reboot because Hilary has been very outspoken about how Disney plus is really putting a damper on what they can and cannot do and now that they’re portraying a 30 year old, they’re gonna need to get past bras being taboo. So I think we can all go ahead and assume that reboot will never see the light of day. The cast seemed to all get along and they reminisced about how they were a family on set. Gordo has a DISGUSTING mustache and looks like a 70’s porn star and the girls of the cast talked about how they were literally buying their first bras as they were filming this show so it was a little awksies. If you want to read more about how great Lizzie Mcguire was, feel free to check out the blog I wrote 100 years ago where I also talk about begging my mom to get a bra. Now I get mad if I have to put one on. Oh how the turn tables. It was also ironic for Hilary to be reading her part as Lizzie trying on her first bra while her boobs were literally busting out of the top of her tank. Get it gurl. (Unfortunately no mention of the epic Lizzie McGuire movie and Paolo, or a shitty Italian accent from Lizzie, which I feel like we all need in these trying times. She did pronounce Oboe wrong though, so I guess there’s that.)

BONUS: Jimmy Fallon is still producing the tonight show from his home and I find any sort of group video call where they can all sing together and sound harmonized very impressive, so jam out to this little diddy they released this week. Brendon Urie has a phenomenal voice and I feel like I shit on him a little bit last year when he was featured on ME!, so I’m giving him credit now…a year later.

 

BIRTHDAY BONUS:

Here’s the part where I might normally be like hopefully this is my best year yet! But I learned from my mistakes last year. You would think physically choking on a hunk of raw zucchini that a hibachi chef fireballed down my throat, being moments away from getting the Heimlich from one of my friends who happens to be a nurse and then dry heaving that zucc chunk up underneath the table all before dinner even started would have been SOME SORT OF SIGN THAT 28 WAS VERY MUCH NOT GOING TO BE MY YEAR, but alas I was a little slow on the uptake. So given that I’m turning 29 in quarantine as the world burns before our very eyes and we’re forced to trust humanity to follow rules, wash themselves and keep us all alive (plus I’m unemployed AF & going on month 6 of living with my parents), I’m just gonna go ahead and say: feel like 29’s not gonna be my year. If it is, I’ll be pleasantly surprised. When it’s not, I’ll just shrug my shoulders and be able to say my favorite phrase on this earth TOLD YA SO!

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JUice, Uncategorized

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/23/15

1. Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Sing.

It has been announced that Friday Night Lights will go the musical way much like The OC and Cruel Intentions AND Scott Porter will play Coach Taylor. No. Thank. You. Look, FNL is the stuff. It’s the greatest show ever made and Coach Taylor is the best football coach in the world. WE DON’T NEED TO SING ABOUT IT. I have a low tolerance for breaking into song mid-sentence and I’m not seeing how a show that featured roughly 2 songs the entire series could ever make song and dance believable in the story line. ALSO Kyle Chandler is Coach Taylor and Coach Taylor is Kyle Chandler. No one else should ever utter that famous phrase, regardless of if they’re a Dillon insider or not.

2. Grease Live first peek.

I realize the contradiction of shitting all over a musical above and then hyping this one but Grease is a STAPLE. How else are girls going to learn that wearing leather pants and red lipstick while smoking a ciggy will ALWAYS get you yo man? Anyway, the cast looks gr8. I mean Julianne Hough is pretty much perfect for Sandy. Even Vanessa Hudgens surprised me as Rizzo. There’s a strong possibility that I watch this to see how it plays out chemistry-wise. Here they are hand jivin it up to get you on board.

3. Magic Mike Wedding.

Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello got hitched last weekend and in a surprising move, Sofia posted all wedding photos on her personal Instagram. Boss move by her to be like hey it’s my wedding and I’ll do what I damn please with the pics. She obviously looked bangin body-wise but I’m not fully understanding the concept of the wings on each side of her dress. Anyway, I can only assume that there was PLENTY of stripping between her hubs and Channing and I’ll just let that fantasy play out in my mind a little further if you’ll excuse me.

A photo posted by Sofia Vergara (@sofiavergara) on

A photo posted by Sofia Vergara (@sofiavergara) on

A photo posted by Sofia Vergara (@sofiavergara) on

 

4. Little Saylor Girl.

Saylor James Cutler was born today at 132pm!! 🎀💕

A photo posted by Kristin Cavallari (@kristincavallari) on

SAYLOR. JAMES. KRISTIN’S NOT EVEN REAL HOLLYWOOD AND SHE JUST DROPPED THAT HOLLYWOOD NAME. Don’t worry Bristol Palin also called dibs on it and needed to make it clear that she picked it first and isn’t a total poser. K, Bristol. Thanks so much.

 

5. Hello…

Because you can’t go five minutes without hearing Adele and also because my family made it a new tradition yesterday to just keep whispering Hello….over and over again. Here’s the British powerhouse with her classroom toys version on Jimmy Fallon.

BONUS: TIS THE SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

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