Tag Archives: The Office

Salty Stories

Let The Creatures Take Me.

I don’t do creatures. You’re probably wondering, what are creatures? Oh wow, great question, thanks for asking! This is my all-encompassing term to describe anything that creeps me out and thus should not be allowed in my vicinity, let alone sharing a home with me. In middle school one of my friends told me that you’re always within three feet of a spider while we were camping out in her backyard and I almost didn’t walk in the grass back to her house for fear of how many spiders my feet would come in contact with in the grass. I would’ve become a permanent resident of that tent just to avoid being NEAR a spider. There have been multiple incidents since then where I have considered torching my car upon finding webs INSIDE the vehicle but the culprit was missing. It’s like it couldn’t help spinning that home with it’s butt and then going into hiding, knowing what a psychological mind fuck it is for me to find a new cob web every time I go to drive somewhere but the architect was still at large. In fact, now that I really stop and think about it, I’ve been taunted by creatures my whole life.

There was a very significant stink bug phase of my adult life where every apartment that I lived in had an infestation of stink bugs during peak season and I just had to fight them off as they took over my home, knowing that if I squashed them, they would FURTHER punish me AFTER THEY HAVE PASSED by releasing their stink into the atmosphere. And that’s not even my biggest complaint about stink bugs because a little bit of smell is overshadowed by the comfort of knowing they are done haunting me. My biggest issue with them is that they fly. WHY OH WHY did we let these insects grow wings? If they were just stationary bugs I would have no issue stomping on them, but instead they turn into freaking pterodactyls and buzz all over the joint making them ten times more terrifying. The first time I learned that they can take to the sky was in my first solo apartment. I was making dinner when I heard a buzzing so loud I could only assume I was being swarmed by locusts and then it was INCREDIBLY close to my ear and I went to touch my hair and felt a hard shell. A stink bug had flown directly into my head and gotten stuck there. Naturally I screamed and flailed and then it fell to the back of my sweater and got stuck there. As I stripped down throwing clothes and contemplating shaving my head, I knew that this was just the beginning of my story with stink bugs. My hate for them reached its peak in 2017 when I was working at a new job and they were RAINING FROM A VENT IN THE CEILING ONTO MY DESK FOR WEEKS. So obviously the stinks and the spiders have always had a personal vendetta against me, see below for a journey through the years of definitely not at all dramatic live tweetings of each insectual encounter.

Although spiders, centipedes (WHY DO THEY HAVE SO MANY LEGS?!), stink bugs, bees (if they didn’t have a needle as an ass they wouldn’t be so horrifying), bed bugs, cockroaches and ants (one time I had carpenter ants in my wall and I could hear them building an empire at night) all fall into the creature category, we move up the chain of scary the bigger that the animal is. For example, I’m more afraid of bats than I am of spiders. Bats are creepy as hell with their red beady eyes and the fact that they swoop down without a sound and drink your blood and turn you into a vampire. As you’ve probably gathered by now, I’m a very impressionable girl. Someone will tell me a fact that may not even be true and I’ll carry it with me for the rest of my life, repeating it to everyone I meet. Back in my teen years when I held a cashier job at Wegmans, there was a bat loose in the store one day and a fellow cashier informed me that bats LOVE curly hair and tend to be drawn to it because it reminds them of their nest. Again, I immediately considered shaving my head. All I could think of was having a bat go after my luscious ringlets and then someone capturing it on my head with a bag, Dwight style. 

For the rest of my life, whenever I heard a bat story I relayed this fact to whoever would listen and told them I was deathly afraid. During a night of debauchery a few years ago, I was walking into a friend’s apt for a little pregame and as we were going up her back steps in the dark, something hit my head with such force that I obviously screamed. Without missing a beat, my friend goes oh that’s the bat that lives underneath our porch. HOW CASUAL. MY FEAR HAD BECOME REALIZED. THE BAT WANTED TO NEST IN MY CURLS AND RICOCHETED OFF OF MY DOME. I may or may not have rabies. I was never tested.

As if the 20 years of insects and bats preying on me WASN’T ENOUGH, we’ve arrived at DEFCON level 1 of creatures: Rodents. To be perfectly clear, even though people keep hamsters, guinea pigs and rabbits as pets, they fall into the creature category for me. Ever since my childhood trauma of a friend who knew that I was afraid of hamsters PUT HER HAMSTERS—YES MORE THAN ONE— ON TOP OF ME, I’m OUT on both domesticated and wild rodents. I don’t care if it lives in a cage and you feed it and name it, get it the hell out of my life. My family learned just how a small furry critter could cripple my life in my teen years when I would spend hours upon hours in my basement in front of the family computer on AIM. Each night I would go down there at 10PM with a can of Pepsi and a snack and not re-emerge until 2 or 3AM. Who was I talking to? Realistically no one. I was probably updating my profile to highlight my 3 BFF’s initials or create a dramatic lyric with the right word italicized or just waiting for my crush to log on with that open door squeak while I blasted emo music and refreshed my Myspace page. I was “cool” in that basement. Until one night a tiny little mouse scampered across the carpet near me and I almost fell out of my chair and beat it up the stairs. To be clear, I did beat it up the stairs every single time I turned those lights off at the end of the night and if you didn’t also do the same to escape a possible serial killer then I don’t want to know you as a human. But anyway, after I ran from the furry foe, I declared that I wouldn’t return back downstairs until there was definitive proof that the mouse was gone and it did not have any remaining relatives or friends also kicking it rent-free in our basement. Do you know how much of a commitment it was for a teenager in the AIM days to boycott the computer?! It’d be like giving up your cell phone today. And I stuck to it! My dad caught the mouse almost immediately, shamed me for being afraid of it claiming it was the smallest mouse he’s ever seen and yet I still doubled down that it might have homies and didn’t return to my desktop throne for almost a month afterward. That’s when my family learned that I don’t F around when it comes to mice. 

My co-workers unfortunately had to learn this lesson many years later when I was pretty fresh on a job and was asked to help unload theatrical sets off a truck into a warehouse. I’m not sure of how someone could take one look at my bitch ass and think that I would EVER be helpful in this situation, but as I was new, I was on my best behavior and put on some sneakers to get to work. I quickly learned that not only was I useless because the set was made from steel and I’ve never lifted a weight in my life, but when we picked up a flat and uncovered A MOUSE GIVING BIRTH AT MY FEET, I solidified my role as top asshole by dropping the heavy set, squealing and nearly Kool Aid man running a hole in the wall to get the hell out of there. I’m sorry but once you VIEW A BLOODY MOUSE BIRTH CENTIMETERS FROM YOUR FEET, it’s curtains. I refused to even go on that side of the warehouse for the rest of my residency at this job. Luckily my soon to be boyfriend worked with me at the warehouse and I would regularly bat my eyes and tell him to go do my job if it required going into mousy territory. I’m not saying I’m a flirting expert but we DID date for three years after that so…I obv know how to reel ‘em in. I knew he’d be a ride or die when he went so far as to hide another Mickey on the loose situation from me a few months later knowing I would full on kill myself if I saw it. Also important note to any future suitors: clearly my only standard is can you deal with creatures so I don’t have to. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the only reason to get married is to have a full-time hubs to kill all the spiders and build all the things. 

Jumping for joy or away from mice? We may never know.

Here’s the thing, what I don’t know won’t hurt me. Seeing a mommy mouse with bloody baby mice hanging off of her scurry away (just wanted to give you that visual again because if I had to see it so do you) or finding a shredded marshmallow Santa in my overnight bag and putting the pieces together that a rodent joined the slumber party IS NOT SOMETHING I CAN HANDLE. I want to just exist in a bubble where creatures are not.

I feel like I needed to give you a full history of my creature interactions for you to understand why me finding mouse droppings on my kitchen counter the other night was THE END OF THE WORLD. I’ve been #blessed enough to never have a mouse-infested apartment…even when I lived in dirty water Boston. Well, the streak of luck has abruptly ended. I wanted to tell myself that it was just a little chocolate on the counter but I knew I had an uninvited guest and obviously texted everyone I know to alert them on the matter. I avoided my kitchen for the rest of the night, googled the best mouse traps to buy (and if renters insurance covers exterminators…it does not) and then promptly had 9000 nightmares about the mice crawling all over me in my sleep that evening. Everyone told me that would never happen and that they were more afraid of me than I am of them. UM. EXSQUEEZE ME?! I think we can all agree after reading this, that could not be further from the truth. Also, it’s an open apartment, these little fuckers are gonna go wherever they want and you know what’s super warm and cozy? MY BED. Jus sayin. As much as everyone tried to talk me down, shout out to my therapist who’s a real one and told me point blank that when she was living in Boston she woke up to find a mouse crawling up her arm and into her shirt where it then GOT STUCK IN HER HAIR. Nope. NOPE TIMES A MILLION TRILLION. ERASE ME FROM THIS PLANET IF THAT EVER HAPPENS TO ME. So IN YOUR FACE to everyone who told me I was overreacting. Obviously, I’m satisfied that I’ve proven everyone wrong with a real life incident but also I will now never sleep a wink again. The next morning I bought traps then FaceTimed my dad to learn how to set one. As my dad is telling me to hold the end down when putting the peanut butter in, I’m motioning to the spot where it goes and said, “Oh you mean right here?” And the trap snaps shut and OBLITERATES my finger. Immediate red mark, tears and permanent damage to my psyche when it comes to mouse traps. My dad rolled his eyes and told me that was exactly what he was saying. SORRY I’M NOT SMARTER THAN A MOUSE, DAD. 

That was right around the time when I gave up on this whole endeavor. If I moved out that day maybe I could find enough generous friends who allow me to couch surf until I’ve found a mouse-free living establishment. Instead, what I did was text my landlord with my uninjured hand and beg him to come over and set the traps for me. If you’ll recall, my landlord is a real baller having already dealt with me blowing a fuse for my Celine Dion Tiktok and clearly has a high tolerance for my bullshit and doesn’t just tell me to find a husband like my dad does. As he set the trap, I lowkey relayed to him that creatures terrify me and I was not doing well in this scenario so that he understood that in no way would I be dealing with these traps should they catch something. I think he picked up what I was putting down. I did not divulge that I refused to put the traps down because I was scared to get any closer to the crevices where I assumed the mouse was kicked back in a La-Z-Boy feasting on popcorn kernels. I had already been blowing in and out of my kitchen with hurricane force when hunger strikes, banging cabinets and talking out loud since I had found the droppings. I needed to remind my new roomie who was paying the rent here and more importantly, the heat bill. 

Needless to say, the next morning when I woke up, speedwalked through the kitchen to get in the shower and saw one of the traps on its side with a dark shadow, I had a full-on seizure of terror and almost knocked the door off its hinges trying to get into the bathroom. I slowly peered out of a crack in the bathroom door to confirm that the trap had a resident. I mean what if this thing was just playing dead or had somehow figured out a way to lap up that PB and not get caught? There was no way I was getting any closer to scope out the scene. I kept my eyes up and immediately texted my landlord to handle the disposal. And by that I mean I texted him (and everyone I know) “DEAD MOUSE ALERT sobbing emoji, puking emoji, skull emoji” and hoped that my colorful text would convey my crippling fear. It did. He got Mickey out of there REAL QUICK and just as I was feeling relieved that we were dealing with a dumbass who walked right into the trap on night one, he shared with me that mice are like rabbits and love to procreate. AKA THIS IS NOW A SAGA OF WAITING FOR THOSE TRAPS TO SNAP ON THE REMAINING TROOPS. So it was nice knowing you all. Thank you for your moral support and for laughing with me or at me through my struggles but this is it for me. I’ll just continue leading the great American bandstand through my kitchen when I need something and quickly retreating back to safety on my side of the apartment crippled by fear when I’m done. I’m no Snow White. I’m not equipped to handle living in the forest with the woodland creatures. We had quite a run. UhhhhBUHBYE.

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Salty Stories

The Salty Ju Trail of Blood

When I was twenty-five and stringing together a bunch of part-time jobs, living on my own, it was not uncommon for me to have a day off in the middle of the week. I worked primarily as a hostess at a restaurant and I typically didn’t go in until 4pm anyway. I’ve always been a goddess of the sun, taking every opportunity to lay out and fry my skin off that was presented to me. Before beach/pool season began, I would do this thing where every time the sun was out, I’d lay a blanket on the grass in front of my apartment and sit on it in a skimpy tank top and athletic shorts hiked up as much as I possibly could to soak up some of that UV good good. My dad used to call this trashy—I call it innovative. I didn’t have a backyard so this little public patch of grass was my sunning oasis. Alright, fine, it was super trashy but I paid a steep rent and the least I could get out of an apartment that had original windows from 1930 that I had to SARAN WRAP in the winter to stop the frosty windchill from taking over my living space was claiming a square of green. Well one fateful day as I came down with my blanket in my “it’s too soon for bikini season so I’ll respectfully wear gym clothes” tanning outfit, there was a sign on the lawn that said: “pest control—stay off the grass!” Was it strategically placed there just to keep me from sitting? Probs. I scoffed and quickly changed plans, marching across the street to Congress Park where the stoners play frisbee, the homeless people snooze on the bench and the ducks get too close for comfort. It was not my slice of partially enclosed apartment heaven, but it would have to do if I was going to erase this blinding whiteness that 5 months of winter had created. Dress season was upon us and I didn’t want to have translucent legs anymore.

After a couple hours of worshipping the sun, I began my sweaty trudge back to the apartment. I came up to the top of the park on the “Welcome to Saratoga Springs” statue and noticed that the red tulips surrounding the park were in bloom. At the time, I was running my dad’s small business Instagram account and my first thought was how bomb this would look on his page. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but what a star employee I am. I snapped a few artsy pics, getting those angles all up in those tulips, went to hustle across the street without a Walk symbol because I like to play it fast and loose and mid-crosswalk, I was shot at. Just kidding, checking to see if you’re still reading. Mid-crosswalk I felt something in my flip flop. I thought it was a rock so I just kept scooting as there were cars approaching now. Once I got to the other side, I looked down as this rock was really starting to hurt and saw a WHOLE ASS glass bottle STICKING OUT OF MY FOOT through my flip flop. I’m not sure how dense I had to be to not notice peg-legging across the street with a glass bottle as a heel, but clearly I needed to get a little more observant. Obviously my first instinct upon this discovery was to get the foreign object out of my body. Had I known that dislodging the bottle would create a whole other bloody situation, I would’ve kept it inserted in my foot for the rest of my life. Because oh buddy, once I yanked that thing clean, my foot started spouting blood like a spigot on full blast. I was now standing on the sidewalk of a main street splooging blood everywhere. It was puddling at my feet on the sidewalk. If this is too graphic for you, please know that I almost puked at the amount of blood that was collecting in such a short span of time. (I have many photos of this incident including a close-up shot of my blood covered stump but I’ve decided to only include the tamer ones here…if you’re squeamish with blood consider this a courtesy warning to scoot past these pics without a glance.)

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I was in complete shock and I still had two blocks to walk back to my apartment. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t contemplate calling an ambulance. Instead, I called my parents. My dad answered and as I described the bloody sitch and cried to him about how the hell I was supposed to get home and what if I bleed out and die on this very sidewalk? He said, “I don’t know what you’d like me to do from two hours away.” THANKS FOR NOTHING, DAD. My flip flop was soaked in blood, my foot was sliding off of it, and I seriously considered using my blanket as a tourniquet then quickly realized I had no idea how to execute that. Apparently several years of watching the crew at Seattle Grace perform all sorts of medical duties in a pinch did absolutely nothing to prepare me for my own medical emergency. THANKS FOR NOTHING TO YOU TOO, DR. MEREDITH GREY. As I attempted to do something useful with that blanket, all that ended up happening was covering it in my own gore and dragging it on the sidewalk as I limped home, leaving a trail of blood in my wake. No one stopped to help or even question why someone who could be a freshly bronzed runway model was bleeding out all over the sidewalk, midday. Fuckin’ Saratogians. Buncha bougie a-holes who can’t be bothered with a little casual B negative overflowing onto their pristine walkways. I made it home alive and was able to clean my stump of a foot without sobbing. Possibly the worst part of it all was that when I finally mopped up all of the fluids, what I found underneath was one incision in my heel, the size of a regular paper cut. All of this fanfare for a measly little cut.

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I bandaged it up and for the rest of the week wore Converse to work with my sundresses, telling the restaurant that I was severely injured and would not tolerate feedback about wearing kicks to work. I hobbled people to their tables and sat on a stool with my foot dramatically elevated (think Michael Scott when he burned his foot on the George Foreman), sneaking bread and olive oil underneath the hostess stand to ease my pains. I just took it one day at a time, ya know? It’s all any of us can do. And not to brag, but I pull OFF sneaks and dresses—a trend that I still crush to this day. I was getting mad compliments, so if anything, my injury just upped my cool girl fashion game. A few days later, I was finally ready to return to the scene of the crime. I needed closure. What I found was that my blood still decorated the sidewalks (and there was A LOT of it.) I also found the culprit. A broken Grey Goose nip. And you know what? If I’m going to get shanked in a crosswalk and nearly need to amputate my entire foot, I’m glad it was top shelf liquor that did me dirty. I respect it. Should they name Circular St. as a Saratoga landmark for tourists to visit? That’s not for me to say. I did, however, take it upon myself to pen a strongly-worded letter to the Mayor in favor of some sort of ribbon-cutting and celebration of this new historical site. The Salty Ju Trail of Blood.

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In the weeks after, I managed to re-teach myself how to walk with both feet and straighten out that limp like Verbal Kint at the end of The Usual Suspects. Eventually a hard rain fell and washed away my blood from the sidewalk. The Instagram post that I nearly died to capture got 19 likes. If you’d like a point of reference, anyone from Gen Z could post a dog-face filtered selfie on Instagram at any time of the day and it would reach hundreds of likes within the hour. I stabbed myself with a Grey Goose mini all for a photo that will fade into oblivion. You bet your bottom dollar I demanded a raise for my no compensation, family favor social media job. MY TALENTS ARE NO LONGER FREE WHEN I’M GUSHING BLOOD ON A TUESDAY FOR A PRETTY PICTURE OF TULIPS. Obviously it’s been several years since this incident has occurred and it still feels just like yesterday. The mayor never replied to my letter or erected a statue in my honor (with one foot missing) but I will never forget the day I learned walking might kill me before skin cancer does.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/11/2020

Happy Friday and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

If you know me you know that I don’t make a big deal about my birthday. Just kidding, if you haven’t sent me a gift and/or birthday wishes deeper than an “HBD” Facebook post, you’re dead to me. Now let’s dive into breaking news this week other than me being one year away from turning thirty and still living in complete and utter shamblez.

1. The Office Wedding.

The only downfall of John Krasinski’s Some Good News is that it comes out at the beginning of the week so everyone has already yapped it to death by the end of the week. But this reunion deserves a shoutout. Pam & Jim’s wedding with the entire office recreating the JK Wedding Dance is an iconic moment and the fact that they all were able to deliver that to us in the shitty year of our Lord 2020 is definitely SOME GOOD NEWS.  Knocked it out of the park with that one, JK. (Wedding starts around the 8 minute mark if you’re not interested in anything other than celebrities…if you’re actually a good person who cares about the world, feel free to watch in full.) And might I add that Dwight kicking a bridesmaid directly in the face in the original episode is laugh out loud hilarious and when he recreated it I still burst into a fit of giggles. Guess I just really like watching bitches get kicked in the moneymaker. Other than allowing us all to enjoy a flashback to when we could shamelessly enjoy Chris Brown’s Forever without feeling guilty that he turned out to be such a dirtbag, John also invited Zac Brown on to sing the bride down the aisle with a new tune and it got REAL dusty when that happened. That handsome devil John has managed to make me cry at literally every one of these episodes he does. If I may complain though (I don’t know how not to) it was weird as hell watching someone surprise get married on Zoom. Like I feel like a little preparation or further instruction wouldn’t have hurt in this scenario. The bride is supposed to be “walking” down the aisle and yet we’re all just sitting there staring at everyone’s faces while Zac plays a lick. Even when Forever comes on everyone pretty much stayed seated. You’re gonna tell me that ONE TWO THREE FOUR hits your speakers and you’re NOT immediately dropping it down low?! Like come on, if you’re gonna have John Krasinski officiate your wedding and bring all of his celebrity friends you really gotta go for it. Felt a little stiff, TBH. And for my final complaint, he invited their parents on and her old ass dad barely got a peep in ON HIS DAUGHTER’S WEDDING DAY. (My dad would never stand for that.) Were they Zoom muted?! And of course his only comment was we never thought this moment would come. Burn city, Population: Susan. For more Office superfan content, Jim also went on the Office Ladies podcast to recap the Casino Night episode and shared tidbits about their first kiss and how he kept the original teapot gift from the show. I would have listened to the episode to get more juice but I committed to the first episode of this podcast when it dropped and wanted to chop my ears off SO badly from how annoying these two were that I couldn’t fathom listening to anymore. I’m a fan but I won’t put myself through that, even for BTS deets.

2. Jerry Stiller.

We lost a classic comedy actor this week and honestly the roles that I remember him for are what are considered as his “second act” and even those were iconic, which means I can’t even imagine everything he did before I was even born. I love the fact that Jerry and Anne were a comedy duo and still managed to stay together for 62 years. SIXTY. TWO. That’s unreal. They worked together, didn’t kill each other and stayed in love and laughing forever. That’s the dream right there. To be clear, the dream is that someone finds me funny for 62 years. The never-ending love thing seems suspicious. Either way, Jerry lived a full life in show biz and gave us a lot of memorable characters. It says everything about me that one of the first ones I thought of was him and Anne in Heavyweights as the Bushkins who get pushed out by Tony Perkis. Hi-Hi-HIYA! I guess that’s why when we all went around the room in film class in college and were asked to share our favorite movie, I said Heavyweights while everyone else named Oscar-winning films. But I digress. Jerry played dramatic outrage like nobody else and had the ability to make shouting pretty hilarious and not at all abrasive. And for that among a billion other things, he’ll be remembered.

3. Anotha Quarantine Divorce.

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To be completely up front with you, when I read the headline that MK was getting a divorce, I honestly had to think long and hard as to when she even got married. Then I scolded myself because I included her wedding in the JUice because they had BOWLS OF CIGGS at it. And honestly, HOW COULD I FORGET THAT?! MK probably wore a black cloak as her wedding gown, marries a French banker and they encourage everyone to celebrate their union with unlimited puffs. Unfortunately for us all, a very smoky wedding does not a successful marriage guarantee. Unfortunately for MK, the state of NY does not find a divorce filing supes essential during COVID times and therefore it’s being tabled. She also tried to file an emergency order because apparently Sarkozy terminated their NY lease and told her to get the hell out. So basically as we all have learned, divorce sucks already and then you throw fame and a national pandemic in the mix and shit really starts popping off. Here’s hoping Ash can help a sister out in a New York Minute.

ciggyMK

PS I would be a terrible blogger if while blogging about a divorce of a couple that probably had no biz being together to begin with, I didn’t include their most iconic photo together. Cause nothing says forever love like forcefully holding someone’s head in place to smooch them.

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PPS Last night my sister said the phrase so little time, which triggered me to sing the theme song from MK&A’s WORST show (Two of a Kind was their best, obviously)–I was a little rosé buzzed last night so I thought I was being hilarious–but that song is a BANGPIECE. So let’s all enjoy it as we say farewell to MK’s marriage.

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4. Kaitlyn Bristowe: Popstar Edition.

KB’s really going for broke this Quarantine szn. She already has a podcast, scrunchie/hair accessory line, wine label, live tour of her podcast (obviously had to be cancelled) and does various appearances for Bachelor-related things. Last week she dropped a Youtube show and this week it’s a single. And you know what? If I had a following like hers that was willing to drop $22 on a regular ass scrunchie, I’d try it all too. The only thing stopping me from being a total attention whore is that I don’t have a following. She releases this very mediocre, produced pop country (can we really call it country?) song and it’s a best seller on Apple music just because of how many fans she has that worship whatever she does. And again, I’m jelly. This is coming from a jealous place. I mean people were comparing her to Taylor Swift. Give the song a listen and let me know if that sounds like  a T.Swift joint. Am I going to probably download it anyway? If I’m being honest…yeah. I’m probably also going to re-watch the first episode of her Youtube series where she talks about moving back home in her late twenties after a breakup and being depressed AF before going on the Bachelor and becoming D-list famous so that I can visualize that for myself as well. Maybe by my 34th birthday I’ll talk about how I went from making TikToks about hand sanitizer that had 0 views to becoming the next Joan Rivers. You know how people make vision boards? That’s mine. Frame it. We’ll circle back in a few years. Wouldn’t hate having my own Rosé either. Add that to the list. And nail some choreography for real and not in a “but you still look like you’re having fun” way. But that’s all. K, I’m done.

@thesaltyju

The spray hand sani is a real game changer. 🤙🏽 #covid19 #thisshitbehittingdifferent #HandWashChallenge #fyp #staysafe #clubcorona #handsani #patron

♬ Griztronics – GRiZ & Subtronics

@thesaltyju

If you don’t also scream sing HE LOOKS UP GRINNING LIKE A DEVIL, are you even a Taylor Swift fan? #cruelsummer #taylorswift #fyp #swiftie #lover

♬ orijinal ses – taylor_swift13.3

Also we get it…you guys LOVE AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER. Ugh. ALL the eye rolls in the world. It’s not taking a risk if you sell out scrunchies in a matter of seconds…you know you have fans that will buy your product whatever it may be. K, bye for real now.

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KB releasing a song today is just another depiction of her manifesting the dreams she had always envisioned. It’s a testament of her ability to conquer her fears of failure and pursue unchartered territory with a refreshing perspective. We live in a culture with significant societal pressures & Kaitlyn has a remarkable way of converting negative energy directed her way into a motivational energy source to succeed. Her commitment to lead the life she always imagined is contagious & empowering. The celebration today isn’t about the fact you’re clobbering today’s music charts – #1 in Canada and #3 in the US (…not a big deal) but that you’re crossing another dream off the bucket list! #ifimbeinghonest

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If I’m being honest, I didn’t think I would ever release this song. I was too afraid, insecure, and kept doing the classic “what if”. I don’t know who needs to hear this but f*ck the what if’s. This uncertain time has shed light on how important time is. So while this song has been collecting dust for over a year, I’ve finally decided to share it with you. Singing has always been something that makes my heart happy. So if I’m being honest, Im still feeling insecure, yet PROUD to share this with you now. I even think we can all relate to the lyrics right now. It’s available wherever you get your music or my bio. Love you guys. Thank you. #IfImBeingHonest Also huge shout out to @jennifer_denmark @savannahkeyesmusic for helping me write this, and @itsmikemiller for producing it.

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5. Lizzie McGuire Gang Hang.

I was hoping something more newsworthy would come through because I know there’s a VERY small Lizzie McGuire demographic here but alas not much was popping this week. I expect 0 of you to sit through a cast table read of a Lizzie McGuire episode about her buying her first bra like I did, so I’m happy to sum it up for you. They chose to read this episode because it was controversial at the time for the Disney channel to be covering puberty and development. They could only say bra a certain number of times and they could only show a pile of bras and not one singular bra. HOW WEIRD IS THAT. Disney channel, RELAX. It’s also relevant as they do the reboot because Hilary has been very outspoken about how Disney plus is really putting a damper on what they can and cannot do and now that they’re portraying a 30 year old, they’re gonna need to get past bras being taboo. So I think we can all go ahead and assume that reboot will never see the light of day. The cast seemed to all get along and they reminisced about how they were a family on set. Gordo has a DISGUSTING mustache and looks like a 70’s porn star and the girls of the cast talked about how they were literally buying their first bras as they were filming this show so it was a little awksies. If you want to read more about how great Lizzie Mcguire was, feel free to check out the blog I wrote 100 years ago where I also talk about begging my mom to get a bra. Now I get mad if I have to put one on. Oh how the turn tables. It was also ironic for Hilary to be reading her part as Lizzie trying on her first bra while her boobs were literally busting out of the top of her tank. Get it gurl. (Unfortunately no mention of the epic Lizzie McGuire movie and Paolo, or a shitty Italian accent from Lizzie, which I feel like we all need in these trying times. She did pronounce Oboe wrong though, so I guess there’s that.)

BONUS: Jimmy Fallon is still producing the tonight show from his home and I find any sort of group video call where they can all sing together and sound harmonized very impressive, so jam out to this little diddy they released this week. Brendon Urie has a phenomenal voice and I feel like I shit on him a little bit last year when he was featured on ME!, so I’m giving him credit now…a year later.

 

BIRTHDAY BONUS:

Here’s the part where I might normally be like hopefully this is my best year yet! But I learned from my mistakes last year. You would think physically choking on a hunk of raw zucchini that a hibachi chef fireballed down my throat, being moments away from getting the Heimlich from one of my friends who happens to be a nurse and then dry heaving that zucc chunk up underneath the table all before dinner even started would have been SOME SORT OF SIGN THAT 28 WAS VERY MUCH NOT GOING TO BE MY YEAR, but alas I was a little slow on the uptake. So given that I’m turning 29 in quarantine as the world burns before our very eyes and we’re forced to trust humanity to follow rules, wash themselves and keep us all alive (plus I’m unemployed AF & going on month 6 of living with my parents), I’m just gonna go ahead and say: feel like 29’s not gonna be my year. If it is, I’ll be pleasantly surprised. When it’s not, I’ll just shrug my shoulders and be able to say my favorite phrase on this earth TOLD YA SO!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of September 9, 2019

1. Nope.

Remember when I pointed and laughed at Shawn Mendes’ butterfly tat and told him to get his shit together? This is not what I meant. In the tween world (and adults who still act like tweens cough cough me) Shawn and Camila dating is the talk of the town. They’re both hot and young and their song Seniorita is steamy as hell. They performed it at the VMA’s and teased a kiss but did NOT deliver and after an entire song with Camila grinding all over Shawn and getting close to his face just to pull away, do we think he had to do a waistband tuck? 100% yes. Well I have to do the opposite of a waistband tuck after this video. They’re trying to be funny and cute. I get it. But rip my eyeballs out because this is neither funny nor cute, it’s just watching two celebs slobber all over each other in HD. Want to see what it looks like to see a girl probe her tongue directly up her boyfriend’s nose? LOOK NO FURTHER THAN THIS CLIP. If you’re into that sort of thing. Guess Shawn doesn’t need a tissue when he has his girl to clean up all the boogers with one swift tongue punch. HEY IF I HAD TO SEE IT, YOU ALL HAVE TO SEE IT AND THEN READ MY DISGUSTING WORDS TO DESCRIBE IT. HAPPY WEEKEND!

2. Influencers Are Still A Thing.

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Do you guys have any friendships that have ended that still bring you pain? This afternoon I found out that one of the two people I have hurt the most in this world will be publishing an essay about our friendship for The Cut. I don’t know when this essay will go live. But it will be different than the articles that called me a scammer for clickbait. Everything in Natalie’s article will be brilliant and beautifully expressed and true. I know this not because I have read her essay but because Natalie is the best writer I know. I still love her. Our friendship ended 2 years ago, but I still walk around New York sometimes, listening to music, running errands, thinking about her. Amsterdam. I’ll let her tell you about that trip because it put her in danger—not me—so maybe it is hers to tell. Maybe she has custody of that story. Sometimes I all but gag with guilt. Sometimes I write emails to her in my head. Sometimes I imagine a future where we’re friends again! Natalie suffered all the consequences of being loved by an addict and none of the benefits of being loved by the woman that recovery made me into. In early August Natalie liked one of my Instagram photos by accident. I knew it was by accident because I know Natalie. But still! I thought: Maybe she is checking in on me because she still wants to be friends! Maybe she still loves me, too. I realize now that she must have been working on the article about us that will be published soon by New York Magazine. My team asked two things of me: To ignore this essay in my posts so I don’t drive traffic to it and to give them Natalie’s email so they could reach out. This is the first time I’ve disobeyed them. You should read Natalie’s article when it comes out. I’ll post a link when it does. Go leave a comment on nymag.com even if it’s insulting me. Every digital impression will be another reason for The Cut to hire Natalie again and to pay her even more next time. And The Cut doesn’t have access to the audience most interested in hating and loving Caroline Calloway. I do. So start anticipating this article. Get excited. Read it. I hope I can support Natalie now in ways I never did during my addiction.

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I did that thing where I caught wind of a story and spent an entire day in a rabbit hole immersing myself within it like an investigative reporter–or someone who does nothing at her job all day–and I’m here to give you the Salty Ju version so you don’t have to read as much as I did. Caroline Calloway is an influencer–you know–those made up jobs that Fyre Festival made famous. Where basic betches make thousands and thousands of dollars to post shit on their Instagram to their culty followers and thus the world is handed to them. Well anyway, this chick Caroline is one of those. She became originally “insta-famous” by posting a picture of rainbow color macarons that ended up on the discover page and therefore she gained like 50,000 followers because girls love a good visually pleasing macaron situation. Fast forward to now, her former best friend who was by her side helping her “write” on her road to “fame” has written a ROUGH hit piece on her, exposing Caroline for everything she is and she sounds like a real entitled turd who loves adderall a lot. Shocking? No. Interesting? YES. I ate this shit right up. If you like to read about draaaamaaaa (said in Derek from Happy Endings voice), the article is very well-written and you can find it HERE , otherwise I’ll break it down for you. Caroline got insta-famous, made Instagram “storytelling” her life and traveled the world on her parents’ dime to take pics in front of things and talk about how traveling is cool and adventures are fun. Her BFF at the time, Natalie, was always there taking her pics and helping her write her captions, living in her shadow. Caroline then got a book deal for like $300,000 or something and enlisted Natalie to help her write it because she couldn’t focus on anything other than doing drugs. They co-wrote it, then Caroline straight peaced out on it and decided it was too hard to finish. (The book was just a compilation of her Instagram stories basically.) Caroline and Natalie lost touch because Natalie realized she hated her stinkin guts and couldn’t hang out with someone so self-obsessed and rich and into drugs anymore. Caroline recently went on “tour” but was selling tickets before booking venues, promising a bunch of shit she didn’t deliver on and everyone was mad online about it. So she then tried to get ahead of the h8ers and call her shitty tour Fyre Fest and wear a shirt that says “Scammer”. CAROLINE, QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD. Well, she didn’t. She got a tip that Natalie was going to publish this tell-all and for the week leading up blabbed on Instagram about how much she loved Natalie and wants everyone to read this article and blames her adderall addiction for being a bad person. Then when she read the article….took a bunch of pictures of herself crying from it after therapy…she decided to set the story straight. By screenshotting every Instagram pictures she’s ever posted and clarifying if she wrote the caption or if Natalie did. I think that’s what the Jersey Shore cast likes to call SPIRALING. THIS IS REAL LIFE, FOLKS. I DID NOT MAKE ANY OF THIS UP. THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS WORLD. Feel free to dive into a deep, dark hole on Caroline’s instagram HERE. Or just pretend we never talked about this and carry on with your lives. This is why I blog. To report the hard-hitting news about someone who makes MILLIONS more than me FOR POSTING HER FEELZ ON INSTAGRAM WITH SELFIES. I’m not bitter. You’re bitter.

3. Office Ladies.

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Jenna Fischer (Pam) and Angela Kinsey (Angela) of The Office have announced a new podcast where they will watch old episodes and talk about behind the scenes stories, have commentary on the episode and probably talk about their lives now. Obviously there’s never any shortage in need/want for The Office content as it’s like the most binged TV show in this world, but let’s get this out of the way REAL quick–Pam SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED. Like by far the worst character in that show and it ain’t even a competition. She wasn’t funny, she wasn’t cool, and the reason everyone tolerates her at all is because of Jim and their adorable love story that he had everything to do with and she had nothing to do with. Go back to Roy, Pam, you stink. Ok now that we’ve gotten that out of our system, I can only hope that Jenna is cool enough to admit how much Pam blows and then I’ll give it a listen. Fingers crossed.

4. THE SITCH IS FREE.

The world can go back to normal now. The Situation is free from jail. Boy have we missed him. I wonder if him and his boy Billy McFarland brainstormed up some new event hijinks to execute. Sitch will have to execute as I assume Billy is still on the inside. One can only hope we have another Fyre Festival brewing, other than Caroline Calloway’s shitty flower crown making tour. And that’s what we refer to as a callback, here in the blogging biz. But seriously, glad Sitch is back, maybe he can talk some sense into his boy Ronnie who has broken up with his abusive girlfriend and gotten back together with her 8 times since he was locked up. T’s and P’s.

5. Grl Power or Something.

I pretty much got nothin for this last headline so I’ll just force you to watch this because I had to watch it. Kinda the common theme this week I guess so it’s fitting. For the new Charlie’s Angels, they dragged these three oddballs together for a song. Ariana does what she always does, wears a high pony and a Halloween costume straight out of Mean Girls. Miley is doing this thing now where she always looks soaking wet and it’s weird and gross. She also licks each of them because now that Miley is single again, her tongue is V. active. And Lana just laid on a bench and writhed around singing in a COMPLETELY different style as the rest of the song. Good work, galz.

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Television

TV DILFS

I’m extending Father’s Day celebrations by a day so that we can properly commemorate the hottest dads that have graced our TVs. These fictional dads have made raising kids (woof) sexy and cool AF. Feast your eyes upon the top TV DILFS.

10. Deacon Claybourne- Nashville

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Although it came as a casual surprise to Deacon about 14 years after the fact that he was a dad, he has taken the job in stride (after the initial almost killing Rayna incident, oopsie.) His boozin past makes him edgy and mysterious while his parenting technique is singing duets.

Best Dad Moment: Bursting in on Maddie’s afternoon delight with her boyfriend Colt and recruiting Juliette to have the sex talk with her because it gives him the uncomfies.

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9. Rufus Humphrey- Gossip Girl

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Rufus had some glory days with his 90’s band Lincoln Hawk that quickly turned into being a single dad to the poorest kids on the Upper East Side. He doesn’t let that stand in the way of snagging former lover/rich bitch Lily van der Woodsen.

Best Dad Moment: Encouraging Dan to boink Serena. Also putting up with little miss trainwreck Jenny, which deserves all the awards.

8. Phil Dunphy- Modern Family

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Phil may be a little on the flamboyant side (see: his college cheerleading career) but his killer sense of humor and ability to memorize the dance moves to High School Musical are what makes him sexy.

Best Dad Moments: When he taught Alex about the powers of Jagermeister, shot Luke with a bebe gun and made his own shirt to move Haley into college.

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7. Dr. Derek Shepard- Grey’s Anatomy

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May he rest in peace, McDreamy had a way of piercing you with his blue eyes and then saving people’s lives, NBD but HBD. Though I can’t pinpoint a whole lot of fathering, he is eye candy and that’s all that matters. (Gone too soon.)

Best Dad Moment: Perching a tiara atop that head of lettuce and having tea with Zola.

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6. Elliot Stabler- Law & Order SVU

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Stabler investigates brutal rapes and murders from 9-5 but then goes home and is dad AF to his five(?) kids. He’s protective and brooding and one HOT STUFF law enforcer.

Best Dad Moment: Anytime he gets aggressive with someone he’s interrogating. Oh sorry, I got distracted…ummm probably when he burned his daughter Kathleen’s license so she’d stop getting DUI’s.

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5. Christopher Hayden- Gilmore Girls

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Technically Christopher was a shitty father for all of Rory’s childhood but have you seen him? Swoooon. He comes back into her life when he gets sneaky rich and then gets another shot at dad when he has little demon Gigi.

Best Dad Moment: When he gives Gigi whatever she wants to make her stop screaming like a devil child. Forever the bad boy dad.

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4. Jim Halpert- The Office

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Jim is probably the most romantic guy ever in TV history (bold statement, I stand by it) and also happens to have a killer sense of humor, as displayed in his life’s work to prank Dwight. Plus he has a great range of funny faces, which probably makes him a gr8 dad.

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Best Dad Moment: Finally succumbing to Halloween and doing a family costume.

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3. Jesse Katsopolis- Full House

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Our third and final rockstar dad, Jesse can command a stage with the Rippers, has iconic luscious locks and is a bonafide lady killer. When he finds out he’s having twins he loses his shit but once they’re born and he can finally tell them apart without matching up their footprints, he becomes a phenomenal dad who refuses to cut their hair.

Best Dad Moment: Putting doo rags and leather jackets on his babies for a family portrait.

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2. Nathan Scott- One Tree Hill

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Nathan Scott went from being the star of the Tree Hill Ravens and all around dick to married with a baby all before he graduated high school. But that didn’t stop him from being the sexiest teen dad this side of the river court…seriously have you seen him shirtless? He kept at his all-star basketball career (with a timeout to be paralyzed real quick) but also made sure to teach Jamie how to use condoms in high school how to be a baller and carry on the Scott traditions.

Best Dad Moment: Wearing a cape to Jamie’s school and showing everyone that Scotts are ALWAYS popular.

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1. Eric Taylor- Friday Night Lights

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Coach Taylor is the top dog of TV dads. He brings his football teams to state, has a hot ass wife with fabulous hair and invented “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose.” I mean, come on. Coaching horny teenage boys all day has essentially made Eric want to lock Julie (we’re disregarding Gracie Belle because she was obviously adopted from trolls) up for life, which makes for some very sassy and hilarious parenting.

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Best Dad Moment: Giving Julie the sex talk via a game of ping pong. (Please accept these ratchet screenshots in lieu of the clip, which was near impossible to find.)

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