JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/13/2020

1. Another Wronged 90’s Comeback.

The much hyped SBTB reboot with the return of Slater, Jessie, Zack & Kelly as parents of Bayside’s high school students has decided to drop a morsel in our quarantined state and honestly I wish they would take it back. I’m cooped up inside because the sky can’t stop dumping snow and icy winds down upon us and now I’ve gotta watch a VERY old looking Mama remind us that the good ole days of Bayside High were 30 years ago?! Uh uh, honey. I watched this teaser twice and that was two times too many. Tale as old as time, shows that were classic and hilarious in the 90’s want to strike again with a the kids are now parents comeback and it ALWAYS blooooooows. It’s campy and cheesy and the writing is tacky and they play into the same jokes and the nostalgia is 1000% NOT there. It ruins everything. Looking at you, Fuller House and Girl Meets World. Enough is enough. I don’t want to see Zack as a dad after I got to know him as a troublemaker man-whore who once dated a girl in a wheelchair and reminded her she was disabled every 30 seconds. I don’t want to learn that Slater is still ho’ing out in his middle age and reliving the past by being a high school gym teacher who relates everything back to his own high school years. 90’s reunions can be done in a late night bit where the jokes can be inapprops and the actors are making fun of themselves and THAT’S IT. The Salty Ju has dropped the ruling. We are done with 90’s sitcom reboots.

2. Brit & JT 4eva.

If you ever want to step outside of reality, I highly recommend taking a stroll through Britney Spears insta. Girl makes some of the weirdest videos on a daily basis. Trying on clothes and doing a fashion show or “dancing” like the one above. Also, she’s serving a WHOLE lotta choker. As someone who went through this trend hard 3 years ago, I think we can all agree it’s over. Either way, this week Brit made some waves when she danced to Filthy and casj called JT a genius. “We had one of the world’s biggest breakups 20 years ago” Ho Hum. Understatement of the century. How about “we crushed matching denim separates and then I cheated on him and he wrote a bangpiece song as a result.” I’d give her more credit if she was dancing to Cry Me a River because THAT was genius. Right down to the Britney look-alike in the video. Obviously, there was no response from JT, probs because he’s still on probation with Jess.

3. The Internet is Bored.

The internet tried to call the cops on Bubbles for “abusing” his wife in the above video clip. Because yes, people who beat their wives do it on Instagram live to millions of followers. If you’ve never caught an elbow from your man are you even in a relationship? Like let’s all relax and devote our hate to cancelling the Saved by the Bell reboot instead of biting the hand that feeds you. These two have been doing a live instagram every single day to entertain their fans and the fans responded by whistleblowing some playful ‘bows. Lupey responded but it was all in Spanish so I’ll save you the google translation and let you know that she told everyone to shut the hell up and MYOB. She loves her hubs and she’s not just saying that because he got grabby with her. ALL IS WELL.

4. No More Dating Shows.

I think we can all agree that what we aren’t lacking in TV is reality dating shows. There’s 9 trillion ways to marry people off in a three week period and we certainly don’t need one more. But don’t worry, Fox read the room and decided that yes we most certainly need another.  BUT THIS ISN’T JUST ANOTHER BACHELOR. Nope absolutely not. This is The Bachelorette for olds. Anyone whose watched one second of the Bachelor franchise knows that the girls keep getting younger and younger each season, hoping to find love or even better–more instagram followers. Fox said cut the shit and decided to dig Charlotte from Sex and the City up to help a 41 year old singleton find someone to put a baby in her before the cobwebs take over her nethers and it’s no longer possible to force a human head out. Also important to note that The newest Bachelorette is also pushing 40 so clearly the execs at ABC caught wind of this new show and wanted to prove that they’re not ageist. K. If America telling women that if they’re not married and with child by 35, they’re not doing life right–putting 40 somethings in an embarrassing reality dating competition IS SO MUCH WORSE. Please make it stop. If it sounds like I’m hating everything this week, please know that I am and that I tried really hard to find worthy things to talk about and honestly there was NOT A LOT. SO deal with it.

5. Fre$h Beatz.

We may have another month of staying indoors but that hasn’t stopped singers from dropping new heaters for us to listen to and probably never see performed live again. This week brings a Demi/Sam collab with some gay olympics, Kelly Clarkson reminding us all to stop being dirt humans when everything is falling apart, and blue-eyed babe soda Brett coming back after a VERY DRY 3 years of no music with a little piano tune about some lucky bitch named Gabrielle. Have a peaceful weekend.

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