JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/6/2020

1. JT World Tour. 

Just because shit isn’t taping at a studio, doesn’t mean we are spared press tours. JT is the latest to be making the rounds hawking Trolls World Tour–which is one of the first movies to go right to streaming rental, bypassing the movie theaters. (Whole other argument, but we shouldn’t be forced to pay $20 to watch a movie at home. Reserve that bend over pricing for seats that somewhat recline, a 50 ft movie screen and movie theater popcorn that is so buttery your hands are legit greased over. If that’s not the environment I’m viewing the movie in, I will pay no more than 0 dollars. Tysm.) ANYWAY, JT is all over the damn place this week. Kickin it with J.Fall for bro hour on the Tonight Show, dropping new music videos, doing radio interviews and he even made an appearance on Hot Wings, the YouTube show where celebrities eat spicy wings and try not to immediately have explosive hot diarrhea tear out of their butthole while they answer questions about their life. I would embed that video here but it was 30 minutes of JT saying the wings were hot and he was going to need a toilet later. So really, I’m sparing y’all. As a very public JT fangirl, I can be completely honest with you and say that quarantine press does not agree with him. I got excited to see his bits with Jimmy because they always make me giggle and want to be a part of their BFF inside jokes but this Quarantine remix and the interview that followed were not up to par for my entertainment. The hardest I laughed in the interview was when Jimmy did finger guns because JT razzes him real hard on that but otherwise I was really rooting for them to be funnier or just do another History of Rap or something. I guess their bits only work in person.

So I was already feeling let down by that, then I’m cruising through People.com, business as usual and I stumble upon this headline:

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And I got ALL SORTS OF FIRED UP. There is not a CHANCE that these two attention whores are also full-on parents without hired help. Kids need the MOST attention in the world and Silas has an actress mom and a singer/actor/comedian dad. NO WAY ARE THESE TWO 24-HOUR PARENTING. They have AT LEAST two nannies and I will not hear anything otherwise. They’re quarantined in one of their homes in Montana, so they’re out in the middle of nowhere and if there’s one thing that I know for SURE about celebrities, when they vacation or isolate themselves, they bring the whole G-D paid staff with them. Chefs, maids, nannies, what have you. Do not for a second bitch about how hard parenting is when you’re rich AF and probably just kick it with your son when your schedule allows. I’m just now realizing that I might still harbor some bitter resentments about JT publicly cheating on Jess in December and it’s all coming out now that he’s doing media again. I apologize for not working through these issues sooner, but JT you’re in timeout for a little while. Drop a new heater (not Trolls-related) and we’ll talk about getting back in my good graces. This also seems like an ideal time to remind everyone that when he cheated, my ex-boyf’s mom texted me to gossip about it and she told me I’m prettier than Jessica Biel and I will sing that from the rooftops until they put me in the ground. Never forget.

2. I Need Jessica Simpson Confidence.

Jessica Simpson posted this compare/contrast for giggles and my immediate thought was that it takes the most confident woman in the world to post a Rolling Stone Cover from her early 20’s where her body is in peak condish, she’s tanned, toned and professionally made up next to THAT. Sometimes I take ugly selfies on snapchat where I clearly don’t have makeup on and my hair is greasy or there’s a zit on my face and send it discreetly to my mom or my sister for a little “lol I’ll die alone because I’m hideous” but Jessica Simpson was like IDGAF and put one of those pics out to her 5.3 million followers next to the magazine cover that basically caused her divorce. Jk, it wasn’t the magazine cover SPECIFICALLY, it was mostly that Nick is a far less talented loser living in her shadow and being v. jelly about it for their entire marriage. I can say these things because I read Open Book and rewatched the entire series of Newlyweds, so basically not only are Jess and I best friends, but I know everything there is to know about her life. Highly recommend reading her book if you enjoy shooting celebrity gossip straight into your veins like I do. You have to get through a LOT of Jesus talk to get there, but trust me, it’s worth it. It also allowed me to watch Newlyweds with a whole new filter and realize that it’s finally time to stop shipping a Nick and Jess reunion and calling them the perfect couple because they really did not like each other and Nick was a reeealll douche. He’s the host of Love is Blind now, so obviously all is well with him. No hard feelzies. (But Team Jess for Lyfe.)

3. Full House Forever.

The show that will never go quietly into the night (don’t even get me started on Fuller House and what a horrifically campy show that comeback turned out to be) decided to lean into TikTok and create their own updated opening credits. The show may never die, but Aunt Becky SURELY did because they kicked her RIGHT out of the family. Don’t care if you’re not in jail yet, Lori, the cast can’t have you dragging down their TikTok views with bad pub. Interesting spin that Becky’s out, but Jeff Franklin is in when he caught a little bit of #MeToo flack recently for inapprops behavior. SEXISM. Either way, 10/10 for Mr. T’s bit. This is really his time to shine.

4. 9021-No.

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Watch this video. Nuff said. @torispelling

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Yaknow I love 90210 and I love razzin on your girl Tori Spelling who will publicly do ANYTHING to make money, but she’s getting a little blowback for that right now and I couldn’t stop myself from soaking it in. Her husb and known sex addict Dean is a little rough and tumble and definitely doesn’t do much to bring home the bacon, but he does love to spout off on social media to defend his wife and kids. This time T is getting shit on not for feeding her kids too much, but for charging fans $95 for a virtual meet and greet. Look, I get both sides here. As someone who is extremely unemployed, I want to punch everyone whose preaching to make donations and support local businesses and spend all this money right now that I most certainly don’t have. Yet, I’ve also gotten very comfy with my favorite singers putting out free weekly concerts on instagram and all of the paid subscriptions releasing shows and movies that I was too poor to watch before and stores begging me to buy their clothes with 70% off sales every day. I’m not quite sure how to exist in a world where I fork over $95 to Zoom with Tori Spelling and take a screenshot of us not physically together. HOWEVER, Tori Spelling is out here just hustlin’ and I gotta respect that. She’s hearing about Bachelor contestants–NOT WINNERS–*CONTESTANTS* charging people on Cameo to send them video messages and she’s like I’m DONNA F*ING MARTIN. I’m not gonna let these reality stars show me up! I’m worth more than a $10 cameo. I’m Aaron Spelling’s daughter! And for that, I also agree. Also, she has to support her loser hubz and his repeated sex addiction rehab, I’m guessing. So everyone CTFD and let the idiot 90210 superfans fork over a hundo to videochat with Donna Martin. I’ll even consider it if she throws in a David Silver appearance. Just kidding, I won’t. I added a pair of overalls to my cart yesterday then saw that an additional discount didn’t apply and concluded that $30 was still too much to pay. So, $95 for a conference call is downright outrageous.

5. Quaran-Tunes

Lotsa time to drop some new beats. Jesse McCartney showing us why he’s still the swoonster heartthrob (vocals only, that outfit he’s wearing is all sorts of atrocious.) John Mayer has been flexing all over lately, doing a Zoom with SUNY Oneonta, making up new songs on his Insta show and now teaming up with Leon for a smooooove Quarantine original. Selena wanted everyone to know that the timing is unfortunate for her release of this song (marketing rules the world, tho) as the last thing on her mind during this pandemic is finding a boyfriend…and yet….here we are. Turns out she’ll settle for some frogs instead. And last but certainly not least–my favorite of the bunch, an ULTIMATE mashup of LUDAAAAA, Lil Jon & Ursher baybay, reminding us that they like to penetrate mad ladiezz. HOARD. God I needed Ludacris back in my life and what a treat this disgusting song is to my ears. Give me a few listens and I’ll have Luda’s part down pat. Will report back.

BONUS: THIS DANCER IS GONNA DANCE.

I will continue to broadcast my budding dance career because if anything good can come from this pandemic, it better be some rhythm for ya gurl. I have forever wanted to be a dancer and yet being able to move to a beat and remember choreography are key components that I’m sorely lacking. Now that I have all the time in the world and a newfound obsession with TikTok, I’m determined to make this my time to shine. I failed at Darryn’s Dance Grooves, I used my Dancing with the Stars DVD that I got for my 18th birthday exactly one time and thought it would be appropriate to wear heels and a flowy skirt for what I now know was just a workout video and I didn’t make the Radio Disney Dance Team because during tryouts I fudged up the choreo and had dead face. But all of that will not be in vain. I will hit a beat and make ONE TikTok dance video that slaps harder than the youths. After practicing this one for two hours, getting the yips on the last 10 takes and still noticing we were off-beat from the very first dab…this will not be that video. BUT I WILL KEEP TRYING. STAY TUNED. I AM GOING TO BE A DANCER.

Inspiration:

 

Reality:

PS Shoutout to my main squeeze, my Leopard Saved By The Bell Twinnie who was over this about 20 minutes into it (although may it be known she was the one who suggested it) because there’s no one else I’d rather have as my dance partner. Also, it really helps that you’re equally as bad at dancing so we really balance each other out. Looking forward to smashing through a few more foreign dance crew Step Up knock-offs on Netflix and learning some new mooves!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of January 24, 2020

Your favorite feature is back because everyone’s just blabbing their faces off in Hollywood this week and I am EATING IT UP. Also I don’t have a job, so like what else would I be doing with my days?

1. Jessica Simpson TELL – ALL.

Open Book by Jessica Simpson CR: HarperCollins

I’ve never hidden the fact that I was a Newlyweds SUPER-fan, like to the point where I would youtube old episodes in college and pray for Jess & Nick to reunite. I just felt like they were destined to be together, yanno? Well, they weren’t. And my naive little pop culture heart just wanted my two favorite hottie pop stars to talk about chickeny tuna forever instead of realizing that they met when they were teenagers and got married at 22 and that’s a straight recipe for disaster. Anyway, that’s not the point of this blurb–the point is that Jess released a tell-all book that has been DOMINATING the headlines this week. There were some tidbits about her marriage to Nick and her time with John Mayer sexual napalm bad boy of Hollywood but the biggest bombshell is that she was a closet addict for like A LOT of years. Through her entire career up until 2017 basically and HOW DID WE NOT KNOW?! Jess reveals that she was sexually abused as a child and that’s partially why she coped with alcohol and pills…it also didn’t help that we were calling her a heffer every single day that she didn’t look like she did in her Daisy Dukes prime. Yoikes. That’s on us, Jess. Sorry bout that one. But also let’s circle back to John Mayer and how he has the WORST rep with the ladies. There’s the ever popular Dear John about him taking advantage of Taylor Swift, and now there’s Jessica Simpson talking about how she felt like she needed to have all eyes on her texts, checking for grammar errors to be smart enough to bang J.May. Also, she literally says he was obsessed with her. Well-played, Jess. Maybe we’ll get another Continuum out of him from this.

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2. Taylor Swift SHOW – ALL.

Countdown begins until I park myself in front of the TV on January 31st and don’t blink for two hours soaking in every detail that Taylor is willing to divulge to me. The biggest tidbits to come from this so far after the trailer was dropped this week is that Taylor’s mom has a brain tumor and Taylor once had an eating disorder from pap photos pointing out her stomach. That stuff is sad and all but did YOU SEE TAYLOR DROP AN F BOMB IN THIS TRAILER?! LET’S F**KING GOOOOOOOOOOO. She’s taking her damn life back and “it feels fucking awesome.” YAASSS KWEEEEENNNNNNN. Ok but seriously though y’all already know that I drool at everything Taylor Swift does and real talk I just want to know everything about her life EXCEPT politics. If this documentary is heavy on the political talk, I’m out. Fingers crossed we just get some good ole fashioned gossip and not a lecture on voting. Also, No:

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3. Car-pull Karaoke.

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So this is a thing everyone is outraged over this week and I’m baffled as to why. Are we really that dumb as a group of people? Don’t answer that. A fan saw James Corden filming Carpool Karaoke and took a picture and outed him for not actually driving the car and the world went BUH-NAN-UHS. They feel shocked and cheated and lied to and HOW DID YOU IDIOTS THINK THIS WAS FILMED? There’s like several cameras and angles and they have to be set up in the windshield to get the whole car ALSO this segment is purely for entertainment and he’s focused on dancing and singing and talking to these passengers HOW DO YOU EXPECT HIM TO ALSO NAVIGATE LA TRAFFIC? My God you’re all morons. There’s literally times where the car is moving and James has no hands on the wheel and is looking fully at the star in the front seat. Did y’all really think he was that talented of a driver? Listen, I’ll level with you, when I found out that MTV used to pull LC around LA in her BMW convertible ON THE BACK OF A TRAILER, I also was heated and felt like I had been betrayed. But then I thought about how if I try to change the song on the radio, I almost run myself off the road so it’s really asking a lot of celebrities to multi-task this much while driving and I’m ok with that. I’d rather see James and JLo text Leonardo DiCaprio about hitting the clubs than have his hands on 10 and 2 driving through town.

4. Breakup Tats.

What do you do when your 8 year relationship just ended and everyone knows about it? Get a sunflower tatted on your boob and flash it up on instaG so your ex sees that you’re doing just FINE. Tale as old as time. Women are so predictable. Either we get new hair or new ink, either way we gotta show that we’re still hot but only to the person who dumped us because no one else matters. (Meanwhile, my ex only goes on instagram to watch videos of people falling or crashing into things and I could post a boomerang of me doing jumping jacks naked and it wouldn’t even be on his radar.) So Vanessa, GET IT GURL, win the breakup for all of us singles. Three whole posts for a little tit ink. Eat your heart out, Austin.

5. The JoBros Are Crushing It.

Look, I was never a Jonas Brothers super fan and to be perfectly honest, they showed 0 personality at their concert and I was expecting a lot out of them because they do shit like this and they’re hilarious. I will give them all the props in the world though because they have CRUSHED this comeback. I feel like every day of the week they’re dropping something new or doing something zany. They’ve got funny tiktoks, they can pound beers (or Nick’s personal tequila), they drop fire flames singles and then toss out music videos banging their hot wives to accompany the jamz. Now they’ve got a residency in Vegas, I guess? THEY LITERALLY CANNOT BE STOPPED.

I mean seriously, they said they’ve got a surprise in store for their Grammys performance and I’m salivating at all of the possibilities. If it’s just having the J Sisters hooch it up and get macked on by them onstage, though, I’m out. Like enough of that. We get it, they’re hot and you love them. I’m over it. I’m not over this song though cause it slaps real hard.

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JUice, Pop Culture

Weekly JUice

Week of May 7th, 2018

1. Taylor Tour Week.

Katy Perry Taylor Swift Credit: Taylor Swift/Instagram

Since Tay is the queen of self-promotion, she started a social media countdown to her tour where she revealed BTS deets each day on Insta Story. On the first day of her tour she showed the above snippet of an ACTUAL OLIVE BRANCH that Katy Perry sent her and apparently everything is gumdrops between those two now. KENYOUNOT, Katy? Can this “feud” forever be over and we never have to hear about it again?! I’m annoyed at both of them for playing this up for publicity. Speaking of, deets from the first show were released as they always are, and Taylor makes a long ass speech about being bullied by Kim Kardashian and the snake emoji before she sings Love Live (which is one of her worst songs, BTW) So cheers to a tour that I cannot afford because her cheapest tickets were $300 a piece and playing up the Kimmy/Katy feud for the rest of time. Do I sound bitter? Oh, that’s because I am.

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2. New J.May.

I’ve had a hard stance on loving Continuum-era-John, where he was being a borderline racist and sexist pig in public appearances, but his music was hot fire flames at that time. Since then I’ve never really been all in on whatever he’s released. This easy listening with weird xylophone sounds in the background weren’t really doing it for me but I do like when he amps it up in the middle. I also can appreciate him wearing the hell out of that straight from the 90’s windbreaker.

3. New Selenaassss.

Selena Gomez dropped a new single to coincide with promoting season two of 13 Reasons Why. Can’t say I’ll be tuning in for that comeback since the first season was so depressing that I was basically messed up for a month after watching it. BUT I can say that I do love this new tune. I also happen to know the writer of this song from back in the college days, an opener for Eric Hutchinson in my school auditorium, so that’s pRETTY kewl. It’s also really fun to read headline after headline saying this new song is about Justin Bieber when I know for a FACT that Selena had no hand in writing this. So unless my pal (we follow each other on social media) Micah is hung up on the Biebz, I’m gonna have to say that’s false.

Update: 

Just scooping up relashe news like nobody’s biz. You heard it here first. The real story behind the music.

4. Jesse & The Mini Ripper

ISN’T THAT THE CUTEST THING YOU’VE EVER SEEEEEEN? False. This is:

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JK JK, lil Billy supporting the Rips and Danny and Becky looking on adoringly is as cute as it gets. Even cuter than two drunk adults wearing matching Jesse and the Rippers tees for a 90’s themed pub crawl. PLAY US OUT, JESS. (He can remake the video IRL now!)

5. Let’s Keep Making Fun of Kanye.

Look. you can tell when there’s not enough headlines to complete the JUice. I’m gonna be up front with you. It was a slow week. But I’m committed to the blog life and still wanted to give you new content. So here’s an SNL sketch from Saturday that makes fun of all the Kanyizzle tweets I posted a few weeks ago. For someone who never watches SNL anymore or looks at skits after they air, I felt like this was a good one to share. Cause the JUice revolves around Chrissy Teigen’s gumbo and if I was ever forced to stay quiet for any period of time you can guarantee I would be dead. Pooptydescooop, indeed.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/14/16

1-3. People continues to disappoint. 

What once was a joyous occasion, the unveiling of People’s Sexiest Man Alive, has quickly turned into an annual disappointment. In my early blog days I wrote a thinkpiece (whiny bitch blog) about how Ryan Gosling has never won and Chris Hemsworth didn’t deserve the title. I shit pretty hard on People. Then last year they listened and gave the honor to David Beckham, which was the most deserved. This year, I’m out again. Sure, The Rock is funny and looks gr8 in a turtleneck and mom jeans but that doesn’t make a sexiest man alive. Before I get on a rant…here’s  a quick list of five hot guys who are killing it this year, and deserve the cover just as much.

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Scott Eastwood is getting more movies after his Nicholas Sparks debut, he was a T Swift love interest and he looks like that. So yeah, he’s a contender.

Brett makes bangarang country music and DELIVERS on snapchat with a segment he calls “Bedhead Jams” where he serenades me (and ME ONLY) right before he goes to bed. It’s what dreams are made of, literally. Honorable mention to Edgar his new puppy who he cuddles sometimes for bedhead jams and it literally causes my heart to explode. Doesn’t get more classic than hot guys and puppies.

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Young Joe Biden. Nuff said.

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2016 is straight up the year of Milo. This Is Us is snagging up those ratings with his hot sensitive dad thing and also Team Jess forever, he’s about to rock out a Gilmore Girls comeback as well. Welcome back, Milo. We’ve missed you.

Kris Bryant - Portrait

Shoutout to Kris Bryant, my #1 sexiest man alive of the moment, and the reason I became a Cubs fan during the World Series. I’m so glad I hopped aboard the Cubbies wagon when I did because they won the damn thing, Kris’s smile and ocean eyes mesmerized me on the winning play and also I got to learn the words to Go Cubs Go, which is a real hit song. I’m sure everyone appreciated me singing it drunk at the bar the following weekend. Anyway, Kris just won MVP and it would’ve been pretty sweet if he could’ve won that and a title for being sexy all in the same week. Whatever, People. Kris you’ll always have my heart as my first MLB boyfriend. Props to my dad who pointed him out to me then told me I definitely had a chance.

And as a bonus add:

jT

Because until he wins I’ll petition every single year. An all around entertainer and hunky slab of meat, JT has deserved to take home this W the most.

4. Meh on the Weekend. I’m very outspoken in the fact that Continuum is on my top ten CD’s of all time and I could listen to it forever and ever. Those were the days…back when JayMay was a little bit racist in Rolling Stone but crushed the soulful music. Then he disappeared and came back soft and put out shitty music. When he announced new music last week I was rubbing my hands together in anticipation and I gotta be honest I feel a little let down. I’ll give it a chance because JT’s big comeback was Suit & Tie (barf forever) and then he crushed it with the 20/20 experience but still…not impressed big J.

5a. Lucas Scott, the novelist. Chad Michael Murray wrote a romance novel and it’s not called The Comet. Psh. Sounds lame AF. No seriously though, I got excited for a Lucas Scott original IRL until I saw that it was an adventure novel with dabbles of romance. Count me OUT.

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5b. In related news, the OTH gang reunited for the 100th convention last weekend in Chicago (where Sophia Bush films her TV show) and they still could only get about 4 characters to show up. We did get a little Scott brothers action though and for that I am thankful.

Bonus points for Taylor James making an appearance. CAUSE WHAT IS A OTH CONVENTION WITHOUT HER?!

I realize I kind of mailed in the JUice this week and for that I apologize and leave you with this picture of a FLAWLESS* Blake Lively hitting the red carpet for the first time since baby numero dos was born.

blake

 

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Television

Emmys 2016 Recap

I missed the monologue (edit: then found it online and was immediately swayed to call at least one person a sneaky little crumpet-muncher this week) but I’m willing to give Jimmy Kimmel my stamp of approval as host because he’s pretty damn likeable and 90% of his jokes landed throughout the show. Even a Bill Cosby reference. Plus, his beef with Matt Damon should be old at this point but they found a way to keep it fresh. Also, he’s not Andy Samberg, who literally buzzkilled real hard last year. And that’s saying a lot since my power went out mid-show and I still missed half of his bits. Anyway, since my TV consumption pretty much begins and ends with trash, I don’t have a lot of knowledge of the nominees (except for People vs. OJ..prayers up that I watched something of “value” this year) but I do have a lot of snarky comments and here’s a brief recap of the 10 best things about the kickoff to the most wonderful time of the year—awards season.

1. Food jokes part 3. By law, there must always be a food bit at awards shows because Hollywood as a group, doesn’t eat. If you’ll recall we’ve already had pizzas delivered via Ellen at the Oscars and then a follow-up of girl scout cookies with Chris Rock. Kimmel went for a more traditional route by having his mom make everyone PB&J’s and I didn’t hate it. Mostly it just made me salivate for one, cut diagonally of course. Cin, could you whip one up and overnight it? Everyone knows a PB&J doesn’t taste good unless your mom has made it with love. It was a nice touch that Mrs. Kimmel also included a personal note in each sack lunch. I officially rank this bit above the girl scout cookies but will never hold a candle to A list celebs shoving a cheese slice in their pizza hole in evening wear.

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1a. JUice’s take on the Juice. As a part of this brown baggin it sketch, Jimmy also handed out juiceboxes and as an eternal fan of Ross’s tireless repeating of “Uncle Juice” for the entire season of The People vs. OJ, he fully deserved to be roasted via actual juicebox.

2. Claire Danes took a trip to the actual sun for tonight’s look. Unfortunately I missed Claire walking the red carpet but I can only hope that one of the interviewers asked her where she got her “glow” and then quickly answered for her “THE SUN?!”, Chandler Bing style. Wooooooooof to that spray tan girl. Double woof to an actual headline that I saw calling it a glow. That ain’t a glow. That’s toeing the line with blackface.

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

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3. John Mayer’s guitar face wins all the Emmy’s. If you’ve ever been a fan of J.May you know that he has an all-time guitar stank face. Since he’s decided to become an official deadhead and tour the country jam-band style instead of making new bangerz, I’ve really missed that pinched look gracing my TV. It was a wonderful surprise to see it before commercial breaks. The only thing that was missing was a T. Swizzy audience dance-fest cutaway. (Could’ve really used this for Hiddleston’s entrance as well…just sayin the Emmy’s was missing drama.) PS I don’t count moving the camera from Hiddleston to Mayer as drama. Stop being so immature, Emmys.

jmayguitarojohnmayerjohnmayeremmys

4. Comedy females crushed the genuine. Kate McKinnon won supporting actress for SNL and Julia Louis-Dreyfus won lead actress for Veep. Both ladies owned the acceptance speech. Kate brought the tears but wanted to clarify that they were real, which is important to know coming from a sketch actress. Julia apologized for creating an environment where it’s ok for politics to be a big ole joke but then it got real dusty in here when she talked about her dad dying a few days ago. We should all thank our parents for actually liking us because I imagine that can be difficult sometimes. (90% of the time, for me.)

5. KYLE CHANDLER, YAAASSSSSSS. Coach presents an award for something that I immediately ignored because I was busy slobbering all over how good he looked onstage. Clear eyes, full hearts, Kyle Chandler doesn’t age. Then Kit Harington and Andy Samberg do a bit about kissing him and he gets a second moment to shine. Obviously I would give Kyle Chandler a million kisses but I’ll also throw a smooch to whoever wrote him into the show this much. It was needed.

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Reunited. #Emmys #fnl #blurry

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And not for nothing but I would also give all the kisses to Kit Harington as well. Swoon city.

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6. Matt Damon makes me want to start snacking healthy again. Damon continues his beef with Kimmel by strolling onstage post-lose and showing that he actually can be hilarious…and also that he’s the most graceful apple eater on this earth. Seriously, when I bite into an apple one would think a horse has gotten loose with the chomping and apple spray that ensues. Matt managed to chew like a hot piece while simultaneously roasting Jimmy and I’m proud of him for it.

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7. Queen B lost, but Hova won. Lemonade didn’t win (middle fingers up) but Jay-Z got to write the COOLEST line a guy could give to his lady via acceptance speech. Sterling K. Brown of People vs. OJ won, and confidently closed his speech with the lyric “I got the hottest chick in the game rocking my chain.” So, like, he got laid last night.

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Seriously, it’s goals on goals to be called out like that. Then Courtney B. Vance tried to get all up on that, copycat style. And then a white guy ruined it later on…Typs.

courtney-vance

8. Ryan Murphy Isn’t God. Even though I was proud to have actually watched a show that won shit, I would never go so far as to say that the People vs OJ was the best show on TV this year. Either way, the actors in it snag all the awards but then when the series wins, they’re played off the second they touch the mic. To be clear, everyone and their mother talked over the music until it stopped and yet the entire cast of this show was like eh, ok and just let the insulting premature strings send them packing. Should’ve taken some notes from Aziz Ansari who got played off then doubled back once he got the mic again and gave his acceptance speech. Play by your own rules People vs. OJ. Bunch of squares.

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9. Tori Kelly slays. Her acoustic version of “Hallelujah”gave me all the feels for the “insert celebrity name died this year, really?” portion of the show.

10. Byebyebyebyebyebyebyeeee. The final acceptance speech via the cast/crew of Game of Thrones ended with a stony-faced “bye bye” from a writer(?) possibly director or producer(?). Listen, I don’t know a damn thing about Game of Thrones other than that everyone watches it and there’s a lot of sex and murder but the biggest takeaway is that Bye Bye is SUPER weird unless you’re a marionette and you’re tacking on another bye. This might be all I remember from the 2016 Emmy’s and I respect this guy for it.

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Bonus: As election season coincides with awards season, we should all get reaaalll used to the fact that all of Hollywood is “with her.” And the correlating jokes are about to get exhausting.

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Music

Taylor Swift: 1989

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As everyone should know very well by now, whether they are a fan or not, Monday October 27th marked Taylor Swift Day. Not the first, and probably not the last, but still a joyous day indeed. Taylor dropped her newest album 1989 and I felt like this would be a fitting time to foray into music reviews. Here’s my take on 1989, track by track. *’ed tracks are my JAMS.

Full Disclosure: There is no All Too Well on this CD. There will never be another All Too Well and excuse me while I go listen to it for the 4000th time and cry softly to myself.

1. Welcome to New York: As an avid H8ER of NYC, this song on message alone bloooows. When I think “Welcome to NY”, I smell street meat mixed with homeless people BO, hear sirens and people shouting for money and see Amanda Bynes wandering aimlessly with bandaids on her face. But of course I’m not Taylor Swift with an endless bank account and supply of fresh crop coordinates to wear upon exiting the gym. So I guess I can understand how we would see NY differently. Putting that aside, not into the sick beat on this one, a little too 13 going on 30 for me. 

 Honorable mention lyrics: “Kaleidoscope of loud heartbeats under coats”  & “Took our broken hearts, put them in a drawer, Everybody here was someone else before”

2. Blank Space*: First ten seconds, gangster Tay? NICE TO MEET YOU. WHERE YOU BEEN? This is 100% one of those songs that if it were to come on I wouldn’t know how to groove to it. It’s way too cool for me. I love it. I feel like this is the sassiest Tay gets on this album and you gotta respect the sass. (PS “They’ll tell you I’m insane” hits a little close to home, huh T?)

Honorable mention lyric: “Cause darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” I mean obviously. The delivery of this paired with a cocky laugh. Oohh kill em, OG T.

3. Style*: Hey do you think this is about Harry? Just wondering. This is a good “I feel like I’m reading seventeen magazine and doing my nails when I bop to this” jam. Also Taylor saying she wears a tight little skirt? HUSSY. I LOVE it. (So did Harry apparently) Burn city. Side note: Harry’s dirty locks are actually starting to go out of style, he should probably consider cleaning that up. Taylor’s red lip and crop coordinates, however, I am not sick of yet so for right now I agree. You so stylish, girl.

Honorable mention lyric: “Take me home. Just take me home” (There’s really no good lyric in this song so I chose this one because I want Harry Styles to just take me home. Also this lyric is a rare glimpse of Taylor not being a cat lady for once.)

4. Out of the Woods*: I think this one has to be my favorite so far. I hated it at first because when it came out I was still jamming so hard to Shake it Off and I wasn’t ready for it. I’m ready now. It’s just the right amount of 80’s sound. More like Breakfast Club, less like 13 Going on 30. Also I like when Tay wails OH I REMEMBER. (Insert goat sound here, internet.) Jk she has much more goaty songs yet to come.

Honorable mention lyric: “The rest of the world was black and white But we were in screaming color”

5. All You Had To Do Was Stay: This is a tough one for me. I like everything about this song except for the “stay” which is essentially the whole song. It’s supes whiny. It kind of sounds like when I would *hypothetically* perform a solo concert in my car and try to hit the high notes in All Too Well. Not gr8. And that’s why I can’t love this song.

Honorable mention lyric (this is difficult…there’s literally 4 lyrics to this song): “But people like me are gone forever when you say goodbye.” YEAH GIRL POWER. Let em walk gurrrrlll.

6. Shake It Off*: The second this song came out I loved it real hard. The downfall of this is that it got me super excited and swept up in the year of new Taylor causing me to immediately and aggressively pre-buy 1989 the next day. Pre-buying a cd is a huge commitment when you don’t know what it will sound like, it’s an even bigger and more embarrassing commitment when you realize it comes with 13 personal polaroids of Taylor and you have to ship it to your sister’s apt because you don’t have an address yet. In retrospect it was too much. I got swept away in Swift hysteria. I know that now. I DO NOT, however, regret playing this song on repeat for the remainder of the summer and long after everyone had already gotten annoyed by it. It’s the 22 of this album, and I’d like to personally thank Taylor for making it all ages. Getting past 22 was a rough spot for me. 23 just isn’t as cool and flirty. Could for sure do without the mid song talking. It gives me all the uncomfies.

Honorable mention lyric: “It’s like I got this music In my mind Saying, “It’s gonna be alright.” CHURCH. (I don’t even know what that means I just heard Scott Disick say it once so I wanted to give it a whirl.)

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7. I Wish You Would: This song feels like a Hil Duff song during the Disney days. Like I can see Lizzie McGuire jamming to this song on her Hit Clips while Gordo stares at her longingly, Ethan models and styles his fluffy Ken doll hair in his locker mirror and Miranda wears wacky clothes so that she’s less irrelevant. Did I go too far with that? Probably. But that’s all I can think of. So sue me. I think the best part of this song is when the “I wish, I wish” in the background goes away.

Honorable mention lyric: “You give me everything and nothing” So much drama. So many feels.

8. Bad Blood*: So apparently this song is about Katy Perry? I swear to God if anyone is still fighting over John Mayer we need a quick reality check. It’s John Mayer. His songs haven’t been sex since Contiuum circa 2006. Old John Mayer=worth fighting over. New hippy, post-racism retirement John Mayer=not worth fighting over. Got it? Stand down gurls. Now that we’ve cleared that up, this song is growing on me, which is why it earned a star. I like the beat and it makes me feel like I could carry a boombox on my shoulder and start street fights with girls wearing whipped cream bras with a blue wig.

Honorable mention lyric: “Bandaids don’t fix bullet holes” So true Dr. Swift, so true.

9. Wildest Dreams: I haven’t read many reviews of this album yet but one that I read before I had even listened to the album said she mimicked Lana del Ray on one track, I’m going to assume it’s this one. ALL I can think when listening to this song is how it’s almost exactly the Lana/Great Gatsby “Young & Beautiful”. Lana’s song “Say you’ll still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful.” Tay’s song “Say you’ll remember me standing in a nice dress staring at the sunset.” Coincidence? I hate the Lana song because they used it in Gatsby to be about Daisy who is a HUGE twat. Also Kanye had it played when he proposed to Kim, insert monkey covering mouth to hold in vomit emoji. Long story short I’m not in love with this one. 

Honorable mention lyric: “Hes so tall and handsome as hell Hes so bad but he does it so well” Is this a song lyric or directly copied from the “what you’re looking for” section on my OkCupid profile? HEYYOO.

10. How You Get The Girl: Cin always taught me if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. As you very well know I’ve never followed that rule a day in my life. I physically cannot say nice things about this song. I feel dumber after listening to it. I guess the one nice thing I can say is that the chorus SOUNDS catchy. I like how it’s sung, but the lyrics read like an advice column for Tiger Beat.

Honorable mention lyric: “With pictures in frames of kisses on cheeks” Lawls. So Innocent.

11. This Love: I can’t quite place what song the “oh oh oh’s” make me think of but it is certainly an old song that now lives on classic rock radio stations. I think I like this song for a slower change of pace from the rest of the album but again the chorus lyrics aren’t great. This love is good, this love is bad” WHICH ONE IS IT TAY? MAKE UP YOUR G-D MIND. Solid for a power ballad post break up I guess though.

Honorable mention lyric: “When you’re young you just run But you come back to what you need” All the wisdom.

12. I Know Places*: It might be the emo side of me that liked the Ashlee Simpson Show (and youtubed clips from it the other night, 10 years later)  but I’m starting to love this song. It makes me want to write in my journal and dye my hair black. Just kitten, black isn’t my color.  I can picture the music video for this being in the woods at night and involving her cats. Nailed it. Call me a visionary. Plus MARIST RED FOXES (insert Red Fox Rumble).

Honorable mention lyric: “Loose lips sink ships all the damn time Not this time.” ALL THE DAMN TIME.

13. Clean: I think this is probably the only song on this album that reminds me of something she’s done before. It has a similar sound to something from the Speak Now era. I like it but it’s nothing special for me. I like that it’s simple and not being overpowered by synths or mid-song talking. It’s CLEAN. Get it?! HA.HA. All jokes aside, is she comparing dating Harry to being an alcoholic? Little dramats don’t we think? Not the finish to the album that I would’ve pictured but then again let’s take a walk down memory lane to Red’s Begin Again ending. Wooooooof. So it’s probably better than that.

Honorable mention lyric: “You’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore” I think we can ALL picture this, amirite? Wine stains? No? Just me?

If you also impulse bought the deluxe edition here are the bonus songs:

13. Wonderland*: This song is banging. It’s Princess fairytale Taylor in Wonderland meets carnival announcer. I mean this of course in the best possible way. The first time you hear her crazy “wonderrrlaaaaaaaaahhhnnnddd” voice you’ll know what i mean. Bonus points for cheshire cat reference.
Honorable Mention Lyric: “And in the end in wonderland we both went mad.” Mostly for her creepy delivery of “mad”.
14. You Are In Love: Supposedly this is Lena Dunham’s wedding song. Knowing that before hearing it made me want it to be the most romantic song ever. I guess it’s more of a modern romantic song, but I actually laughed out loud imaging two people dance act this out as the first dance of their wedding. It just made me think of mimes. I can’t explain the weird places my mind just went to. This song is alright but as far as love songs go I’ll stick with Thinking Out Loud for this year.
Honorable Mention Lyric: “You two are dancing in a snowglobe round and round.” Snowglobe dancing. WOULDN’T THAT BE AWESOME?! (None of this made sense. Pls disregard)
15. New Romantics*: Lovin the modern sound of this song so hard. It’s the female “Safe and Sound” except the lyrics are a lovely romanticized version of post grad problems. A young professionals (I use that term quite loosely) anthem, if you will. I can get down with it for sure. This probably should’ve closed the actual album instead of the bonus tracks if we’re being honest..and we ARE being honest.
Honorable Mention Lyric: “Honey life is just a classroom” PREACH. “We are too busy dancing To get knocked off our feet”
Summary: T’s goal with 1989 was to sound completely different. It was her first fully declared pop album (we’ll all just slyly ignore that Red was 110% pop, but apparently not actually, you know, because Stay, Stay, Stay) Anywho. Goal achieved Tay. This album is all sorts of different. Respect. There are certainly some great jams, but as a whole it’s an album that I cannot listen to on repeat every day. What I’m getting at here is that this album is not Red. Red is her crowned jewel and I will never get sick of it. It gives me all the feels and I refuse to apologize for that.
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