Tag Archives: John Mayer

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/7/2021

1. Olivia is a total H-Dubb.*

* Important to note that for a short period of time in high school, whenever we heard of some teenage hussy breaking up an already probably short-lived couple, we called that hussy an H-Dubb which was shorthand for homewrecker. Natch, there were no homes being wrecked when teens went to Friday night football games together and maybe smooched a few times…but that insult really slapped and I miss the days when we could just casually romp around free period calling bitches H-Dubbs.

Anyway, as soon as this juicy piece of salacious goss hit the internet streets, I knew I had to bring the JUice back from the dead so I could talk mad shit on John Mulaney trying to convince the whole world that he didn’t cheat on his wife and that Olivia Munn isn’t H-Dubb City. Literally the SECOND he bounced outta rehab it was swirling that these two were dating and I rolled my eyes out of my cranium. You know what typically doesn’t signify ever-lasting love? When you hop from a marriage to a new relationship. THEN ADD FRESH OUT OF REHAB ON TOP OF THAT. Boy oh boy all of this is dumb. But whatevs. They were keeping it mostly under the radar. Until this week, when John made the most calculated move of all time to announce their baby on Seth Meyers by literally giving us all a dummy timeline. THAT SCREAMS I’M A GUILTY, HO. Hey everyone, it’s been a minute since I’ve seen you so let me give you a month by month blow (no pun intended) of my last year so that I can clear my name and then toss a baby on at the end. LOLOLOL OK, John. We ain’t that stupid. As you might expect, this timeline has already been thrown directly in the trash as people are coming out of the woodwork to say he didn’t file for divorce until spring when he was already dating Olivia and while he was relapsin hoard he was also banging strange. Not quite the scripted and premeditated squeaky clean image he’s trying to paint here with the help of his buddy Seth. Now onto the equally as guilty party, Olivia. In an interview in 2015 she talked about meeting John and his then-fiance at a wedding and being obsessed with him and following him around all night then emailing him afterward. 2015, folks. What a thirsty bitcc. Girl has pretty much always had a boneski for John. But yeah, they just met recently at church.

And like I said, whatevz, do your thang, booboo. Except that now you’re dragging a kid into the mix and also pretending this has been a wholesome union from the start. Just go full Angelina and Brad and own your bad selves. And on top of it AWL, John Mulaney has been vocal as hell about never wanting kids. CRINGE MY FACE OFF. All of his standup routines about never wanting kids are creeping out of the woodwork and oh baby is this a disaster. Probably should’ve just pulled a Kylie Jenner (part 1) and popped that baby out in secret rather than make a big announcement hoopla about it so everyone is inserting themselves into your messy sitch. BTW, Kylie Jenner (part 2) and Jennifer Lawrence also announced pregnancies this week but their announcements weren’t clouded with a scandal so they slipped right under the radar. I mean, Kylie got knocked up by her ex-boyfriend but that’s the norm in the Kardashian/Jenner world…let your man do whoever just make sure all your kids have the same daddy. And Jennifer Lawrence got married first and pregnant a couple of years later…YAWN. But CONGRATS TO ALL! A baby is a gift from God unless it’s brought into this world on a throne of lies, of course. JUS SAYIN.

2. Steve Made Millennials Cry.

From 1995 until 2002, our green-striped homie Steve and his dog Blue were solving all of the clues with their handy dandy notebook and their big ole thinking chair over on Nick Jr. Back when Nick Jr. had “face” and was the BEST reward for staying home from school sick on the couch. You know, the good ole days. And then we all grew up and started watching a little less of blue cartoon dogs and overanimated adults and a little more true crime. And I don’t really think one single person gave it a second thought. That was until Steve rolled back through with this viral video for the 25th anniversary of Blues Clues. And all of the millennials lost their SHIT. Steve said I look good! Steve said I helped him! STEVE LOVES ME. Hats off to Nick Jr. for crushing the marketing game for their anniv because not only did this shit blow up but it also created a buttload of memes for everyone to use. And the best part? I didn’t even know Steve “went to college.” I didn’t even know he left the show at all until my little whippersnapper niece started getting into the Nick Jr. game and I was like who the hell is this jabroni hanging out with Blue? BECAUSE WHEN YOU GROW UP YOU STOP WATCHING KIDS SHOWS. Weird, right?! So Steve went to college. And then came back to tell us all about it. And I think what’s even more shocking is that there was a WHOLE OTHER PERSON in between Steve and Josh. Steve had a brother named Joe, WHO KNEW?! Seriously I learned so much from this 25 year campaign, I feel like they’re sneaky trying to make these three into the next comedy trio.

What I didn’t need refreshing on, is the Mail song. That shit has slapped the hardest since day 1 and if I’m 30 years old still singing the mail song to my niece word for word you KNOW that was a bop. Mailtime, Mailtime, MAAIILLLTIIIIIME. Here’s the mail it never fails it makes me wanna wag my tail when it comes I wanna wail MAAAAAAIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLL. Nailed it. (Seaweed arms not included)

3. Shiver.

Ed’s back, baby! Between John Mayer dropping an album this summer, Ed’s is coming in October and then we get the Taylor Swift 10 minute All Too Well in November…I’m in a musical sweet spot right now. The only thing that would put me right over the edge is a JT album on top of it all. Come out, come out wherever you are! I know all you famous musicians weren’t touring for the past two years, so GIVE US THE GOODS. Anyway sorry that my “Ed has more new music” excitement turned into threatening Justin Timberlake. It happens to the best of us. Remember a couple of months ago when Ed dropped Bad Habits with that terrifying vampire video? And I was like WHAT HAPPENED TO ED? Yeh, I still kinda feel that way with this song. I mean these are fun little ditties he’s giving us, but this is a little bit of a shock. He’s going for a real jarring visual vibe here and Ed is just a casj guy stomping all over that loop pedal. Did I enjoy seeing his attempts at dancing in this video? Yes, obviously. But would I prefer to have something with a little more substance? 1 Trillion Percent. Hoping that when the full album drops we’ll get a taste of some deeper cuts.

4. Nashville’s a Small Town.

Obviously you already know that celeb drama makes me salivate because otherwise why the hell would I maintain a blog for almost 7 years now based on the dramz. What you don’t know is that the thirst for goss runs in the family. After doing a deep dive on Facebook to find out the personal details of a high school teacher’s life I texted my sister for tips on how to find out some intel because I’d scrolled almost 8 years back and wasn’t seeing anything. She told me what my next move should be and lo and behold, I found what I was looking for. As I looked back in horror at an afternoon filled with trying to find out intimate deets on a stranger’s life through social media, I asked my sister, “Why are we the nosiest people on this earth?” And she promptly replied, “It’s in our blood.” So it’s fine, everyone. It’s like a disease. You wouldn’t look down on someone with Lupus so why are you JUDGING US BECAUSE WE NEED TO KNOW EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE?! Since my twinny twin is just as much of a shitstirrer as I am, it’s important that you know that she broke the news on this Nashville Love Triangle. I’ll let her break it down for you in shorthand:

First important note to make, we’re on a first name basis with this crew. Jana and Kristin are D-list celebrities and Jay is a retired athlete and yet we’re referring to them as if they’re the cream of the crop for fame. Second of all, we knew right from the jump that this was not an amicable divorce and no matter how hard Jay and Kristin try to make it seem like they’re a united front and there’s no issues between the two of them, it KILLS Kristin to see Jay dabble with ANYONE and his specialty seems to be women who run in the same circles as his ex-wife. Coincidence? I think not. Meanwhile, Kristin can smooch whoever she wants. Cliff, Bony Bob, Little Mo with the gimpy leg. No backlash at Kristin. Only Jay. GET OUTTA HERE WITH THAT. I’m Team Jay through and through. There’s only one guy who can nail that dry sarcastic delivery and captivate me for days with an Instagram-story hunt of a chicken killer on the loose and that’s Jay Cutler. HOW-EV-ER. I cannot support a union with Jana Kramer. Jana is a slob kebab when it comes to barfing up things that should 1000% be kept private. From doing a podcast with her sex addicted cheating husband and airing their dirty laundry right up until their divorce to giving us a blow by blow of her boob job (which she got to keep her husband…………ahem…..it didn’t work.) Don’t get me wrong, it’s like watching a trainwreck. I just yapped about how my sister and I are nosy nellies. Of course we eat that shit up. But Jay doesn’t need more drama in his life. He needs to stop chasing the dancing on the bar in Cabo girls and find himself a nice out of the spotlight southern belle. No more reality stars, no more teen soap stars. Maybe a nice huntin’ gal who looks good in camo.

GUN

Just kidding, I don’t want to be IN this drama, I just want to observe from afar. Anyway, according to the papz, Jana is claiming her and Kristin aren’t even friends. Kristin has blocked her on social and has been slobbering all over country singer Chase Rice’s nob v. publicly at some of the most popular tourist bars in Nashville. (BE MORE OBVIOUS) And Jay is like yeah…we went on one date… BUT THEN, gr8 timing, as I was typing this the saga continued to unfold as I received this alert from my sister:

Shocking to no one, my brother in law is not entertained by our rabid need to pretend we are a part of these peoples’ lives. After the tip from my assistant reporter, I immediately scurried over to Instagram where I found both Jay and Jana had shared stories from Nate Bargatze’s show. Nate was just one of the first guests on Jay’s new podcast so no doubt he comped him some tix and where else have you heard about Nate? OH RIGHT, MY BLOG. If you’ll recall I slobbered all over Nate in my Netflix roundup from February. I’m not saying that I’m a tastemaker but I’m not NOT saying it either. Anyway, SOMEONE is reaping the bennies of Jana’s new rack and it ain’t Nate. Your move, Kristin.

5. #FreeButtney.

I realize that every time I release a JUice there’s a Free Britney update but I promise I don’t time these out, it just so happens that every few months there’s movement in her case and since I’ve been an avid supporter of the #FreeBritney movement, it feels wrong to not see this through even though it appears as though she’s gone of the rails a little bit. Regardless of her posting her butthole & more boob shots on Instagram…

…her psychopath dad has FINALLY made moves to release her from conservatorship prison. In Jamie’s petition he said, if Britney “believes that she can handle her own life, he believes that she should get that chance.” And also that she should take a beat from posting a$$ vids to Insta. Just kidding. That wasn’t in the petition. But should it have been?

Probz. Hey Brit, no one was questioning the legitimacy of your tramp stamp dumptruck shot. Video was not necessary. Either way, the next hearing is scheduled for September 29th so stay tuned for the Free BUTTney saga to continue. Anyone placing bets on how quickly she’ll end up on OnlyFans when she’s freed from the dad shackles? Just wondering.

Standard
Music

John Mayer – Sob Rock

Keeping things spicy over here by introducing a new artist to the classic Salty Ju feature where I recap an album track by track and relate every song back to my own personal experiences. And then I judge those songs based on absolutely 0 musical expertise. JOIN ME, WHY DON’T YA?! It’s John Mayer’s first album since 2017 and it’s a short one but I welcome it with open arms because who doesn’t love an 80’s cassette player aesthetic and a breakup album. For those of you who are in the know, J.May’s 2006 album Continuum is the greatest breakup album of all time and though it will never be topped, I feel like this is the first time John has inched back to the genius of that all-time classic both musically and lyrically speaking. So let’s hop right in and sob our faces off (shout out Taylor Swift and John for really coming in hot with the soundtracks to our hearts being shattered into a million pieces this year.)

 

  1. Last Train Home.* John’s first single off of Sob Rock and what a musical snack it is. When it was first released I tweeted this:

And I still stand firmly behind that. Guy’s clearly got a thing for trains but thank God he went for the uppers this time around when using locomotive imagery. We’ve got a little Toto’s Africa vibe to it with the funky instrumentals and it just makes you want to wiggle your hips. Simple song with a nice hopeful message that Johnny boy will find his wifey and ride that train right on into a home filled with kids. I guess kinda sad because he’s pushing 45 and clearly wants to settle down now but certainly not as sad as Stop This Train which is about how we all die and he doesn’t want to. So, like I said, much more of a bop in the train category of tunes. Plus… there’s only about 3 seconds at the very end of Maren Morris doing backup vocals, which is really all we need. Thank you for your time, Maren.

Best Lyric: “I’m not a fallen angel, I just fell behind”

Here’s the music video, which was absolutely nothing special and could’ve been much better but further gives off that throwback vibe to set the tone for this album.

2. Shouldn’t Matter But It Does.* Oooohh baby, this is a great little ditty to really get in your feels with. You wanna know the WERST part of a breakup? That you feel ALL of the things and you can’t do anything to stop it. All anyone wants to do is not care afterward and yet it’s actually SUPER hard to not care. Show me a person who says they’re carefree and I’ll show you a liar because that person does not exist This is a lovely slow jam with a dose of real talk lyrics about all the things that you feel or think about after a breakup that you want to not feel or think about but that’s life, man…no control I tell ya. There’s all kinds of kinds when it comes to breakup songs and as we’ve seen with the popularity of Olivia Rodrigo’s “Good 4 U” the post-breakup rage is alive and well. But sometimes after your twenties, you need a little more lowkey rage and you just wanna listen to something a scooch more mellow passive aggressive and text your ex: hey, this shouldn’t matter but I’m listening to John Mayer on my bathroom floor at 3 am with a bottle of wine and guess what it DOES matter.

Best Lyric: You shoulda been sad instead of being so fucking mean. (BURN CITY TIMES A ZILLION.)

3. New Light. I was a little thrown off when I was giving Sob Rock my first blind listen that he included songs he released literally three years ago. Kinda a boner kill when you’re excited to discover new songs and you hear one that not only has been out for several years but also kinda stinks. Never been a huge fan of New Light. It’s a little *too* experimental with what I can only imagine are computer-generated sounds in the background. John, my love, you’re a phenomenal guitar player – you do not need all these bells and whistles to make a song “breezy.” Although I am a real sucker for a groove break, which this song has right before John rips a tasty solo lick. I do love that John’s more recent music is embracing the fact that he’s old as hell and yet still in the dating world dealing with all the bullshit us fellow singles are dealing with. He’s out here getting friend zoned…John Mayer. Friend. Zoned. Just makes him even more relatable, especially after his very un-relatable outing for being a semi-abusive douchey boyfriend in Jessica Simpson’s memoir–people don’t forget!

Best Lyric: Pushing 40 in the friend zone. (Yoikes, rough look)

And his super weird 80’s music video for this one back in 2018:

4. Why You No Love Me. This is a sad mariachi song. As soon as I heard the first grammatically incorrect “why you no love me” I was equal parts confused and hysterically laughing because I pictured John in a Mexican restaurant singing this while wearing a large sombrero. Other than that very dramatic chorus, the rest of the lyrics were legit and I mean come on, the album is called sob rock…this certainly fits the bill. The end of this song sounds like a 90’s TV show theme song coming to a close. Oddly specific but that’s exactly what I thought of, like oh ok Growing Pains is about to start.

Best Lyric: Hurt me once, I let it be / Hurt me twice, you’re dead to me / Three times makes you family. WHAT A GREAT PLAY ON WORDS HERE. No one hurts you like family does so guess you’re part of my family now, bitcc!

5. Wild Blue. Your jazzy insert to this album. Groovy beat and all about that jam band life but kind of an eh song overall. Since I don’t have much to say about this song, I’ll tell a fun story. This past week I was rehashing to my dad how my staff meeting zoom call got all sorts of awkward when an impromptu game was added to share what’s on your desk at home that you would bring to your desk at work. There was minimal sharing and a whole lotta dead air, and my dad’s response was “you should’ve said check out my Steely Dan.” And I was like why would I randomly bring up 70’s rock band Steely Dan during my staff meeting. And my dad goes you know how they got their name right? Obviously I did not. It was the name of a vibrator. YA LEARN SOMETHIN NEW EVERY DAY I TELL YA. Not only is that a fire flames name for a battery operated boyfriend but ALSO a great band name. Win, win for all. Can confidently say I will not be bringing vibe talk to the table amongst my work colleagues but what a fun piece of music trivia to insert into this blog that should be passed along for generations to come as we’re reelin’ in the years. (wink.) Also, if you didn’t enjoy my story, enjoy John dancing awkwardly to this song via his Tok.

@johnmayer

In the words of the great @rejectedjokes – Dance small. Listen big. #wildblue #sobrock #newmusic #music #dancesmalllistenbig

♬ original sound – johnmayer

Best Lyric: This entire verse is art: All the tears I meant to cry / Dance across the evenin’ sky / And in my sorrow, I can see / That missing you belongs to me

6. Shot In The Dark.* A catchy tune and wOrLd’S cOLLiDiNG, it is *heavily* rumored that several of the lyrics in this song are nods to Taylor Swift. I don’t subscribe to the belief that John Mayer is nearing his 50’s and is looking back wistfully on Taylor Swift hoping for a second chance. But I do believe that he loves pop culture and appreciates a nod for intrigue or chatter. I think Taylor was probably young and naive and John Mayer is a reputable star and when they worked together, they hooked up and Taylor took it much more seriously than it was and was heartbroken and John was casj and cool as a cuke about it. Taylor wrote Dear John which was most obviously about him right down to featuring guitar that sounds like a John Mayer song. It was not subtle. I definitely don’t think Dear John keeps J.May up at night but he did look like a real creep after it came out, so if intertwining his music with Taylor’s again clears his name, I’m sure he’d be willing to give it a shot. Taylor’s song Getaway Car has the lyric “we never had a shotgun shot in the dark” so this could potentially be a play on that. Regardless of if there’s any intentional wordplay here, it’s a bangerang of a song. John was killin em with smoove lyrics about love and breakups way before Taylor ever was and he’s reaffirming that with this album.

Best Lyric: I’ve loved seven other women and thеy all were you.

Enjoy this music video featuring some quality and highly entertaining John dance sequences:

7. I Guess I Just Feel Like. Another cheat song originally released two years ago. This one I like better than New Light probably because I’m such a Positive Polly. That was sarcasm, guys…this song is depressing AF. It’s basically a stream of consciousness or a classic diary entry of like everything in the world sucks now, I have too many worries and I’m alone. YOIKES. This is a song exclusively for days when you have a real aggressive case of the poor me’s. Listen to it, nod your head soulfully, then shake it off and go find a butterfly or something nice to remind you why you’re not on suicide watch. At least the end of the song has a hopeful spin. John’s like HAHA it’s ok guys no need to do a wellness check, I just felt like giving up but I’m gonna find my way so don’t you worry about me. ALL GOOD!

Best Lyric: That love’s gonna save us from a world that’s gone mad.

8. Til The Right One Comes.* Oh jeeze we needed this pick me up after that debbie downer. Classic rock vibes here as John tells us that he’s actually not going to die alone. He’s just waiting for the right lady. He’s not going to just dive into bed with whoever these days, he’s looking for that forever kind of love and she’s just around the damn corner so everyone just reeeelaxxxxxxx. I admire John’s positivity here and also may I take a moment to really appreciate how guitar heavy this album has been. I feel like pop, rock, and country songs rarely include an instrumental bridge and it’s refreshing to have a moment in each of these songs to just bop right along.

Best Lyric: As if I woke up lonely one morning / Looked around and decided I would stay that way. AND Headed the wrong way down that highway of dreams. (I couldn’t choose just one, sue me.)

9. Carry Me Away. Apparently this was released in 2019. Honestly I don’t think I’ve heard it. Also can we make it a law going forward that if you’re going to do a BIG lead up to an album drop, lots of press, merch, a tour, etc. the album has to be 100% new songs. None of this recycling shit. If I’m going to get hyped up this hard I want 10 brand spanking new unheard songs. I know you can sit down and write a smash-hit breakup song in a few hours, so this was just a lazy move here. This song is decent but didn’t knock my socks off. It’s certainly no Ravioli Shoes and I think we all can agree.

Best Lyric: You’re just the kinda crazy I’ve been lookin’ for.

10. All I Want Is to Be with You.* Strong finish with a fresh jam. I would’ve been MAD online if he closed out the album with a recycle. I love him singing in the lower register here and the way he breaks up/the cadence of “All I Want Is to Be with You.” I’m sure there’s a real fancy musical term for this, but you get what I’m saying right? The way he sings it with the guitar strums matching up is chef’s kiss. Also just in general the low guitar notes here. It feels kinda like Johnny Cash song and I’m here for it. Full disclosure, I called my dad at 9:30 last night to ask if this was a guitar or a bass because I didn’t want to be like damn he’s really slappin that bass and it sounds amazing and be completely wrong. So moral of the story is the efforts I put in (and really my dad puts in) to make this blog accurate are top tier. You’re welcome.

Best Lyric: I dance alone with deja-vu / But all I want is to be with you.

Overall Sob Rock Note: I know I gave J.May a lot of shit for bringing back old songs but I assume he did so because of the theme of this album and the cohesive story he wanted to tell. It’s not often that you can listen to an album front to back anymore and I feel like he really nailed it with this one. I listened to it on repeat all weekend and never pulled a skiperoni, plus it was rainy as shit this weekend so honestly the mood lined up perfectly. It’s like John Mayer knew this summer was going to be gloomy and depressing and was like ASSEMBLE, TEAM, IT’S TIME FOR SOB ROCK. It’s also not lost on me that Sob could stand for Son of a Bitch, which the press has really made John Mayer out to be over the years (the press and Jessica Simpson.) He’s had quite the reputation as womanizer controlling pee-drinking crapface…I may have gone a little off the cuff there but I think the older John gets, the wiser he gets when it comes to relationships and love. Yeah breakups are literally the pits, but that shouldn’t stop you from finding the right one but maybe proceeding with caution. FIND THAT LAST TRAIN HOME, JOHN! We’re rooting for you.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/12/2021

1. Adios, Macho. “For Real” This Time.

Screen Shot 2021-04-15 at 8.46.38 PM

Obviously this is NOT breaking news. A full ass month ago we found out that JLo and ARod could not make it to the altar despite their matching two syllable hoodrat nicknames making us all believe they were indeed soulmates. As soon as the news broke, they tried to walk it back saying they weren’t over, just working through a rough patch. Mmk, guys, whatever. This was obviously them trying to control the story when they’ve probably been separated for months. As I hinted before, the fact that I didn’t find out from a personal text from my girl was the most hurtful part of this split. But now, they’ve made a joint statement. (Again…still waiting on my text…)

Screen Shot 2021-04-15 at 5.37.46 PM

In summary: Couples therapy couldn’t save them once the world knew their love was dead and also staying together for the kids apparently wasn’t working. Good thing their deal didn’t go through or they’d have to stay together for the Mets too. YOIKES. Anyway, despite the jokes, these two did seem like they were a match made in heaven and I was happy that Jenny from tha block who can’t seem to stop getting engaged and/or married finally found her forever Macho. But alas, love is pure garbage, even if it don’t cost a thing. There were rumors of cheating…my first thought was who would cheat on that perfect specimen but my friend Kat makes a valid point that although I don’t want to face, I’m forced to: at what point does JLo look internally and wonder why she can’t hold down a mans.  I’m there to comfort her if she needs it–I’m just a text away but by the looks of things she ain’t the one who needs comforting. ARod posted this story on his Insta when the news broke:

SOMEONE DO A WELLNESS CHECK ON THIS GUY. Listening to Fix You while he looks at pictures of the two of them?! SHEESH. He’s one step away from the ending of A Star is Born. Chris Martin’s about to have blood on his hands for creating an absolute SMASH to cry to. But seriously though, someone get eyes on ARod before he crumbles and starts tweeting Peyton quotes from One Tree Hill.

peyton

2. Colton is Gay & Also a Reality TV Whore.

Colton

Fun Fact: I already had Colton’s 1st ABC headshot locked and loaded because once upon a time I used to blog Bachelor Nation until they all pissed me off so much that I had to force myself into early retirement. AND THIS SHIT?! THIS IS WHY. Here’s the lowdown for all y’all (me now included) who no longer invest 19 hours a week to this godforsaken franchise. Colton was a contestant on the bachelorette and then eventually he was the big cheese, the bachelor. His main “storyline” was that he was a big booty big ole Virg. And if there’s something reality TV loves, it’s honing in on the adults who have never had sex, making them feel suuuuper ashamed and embarrassed about it, then trying to get them to sex it up in a fantasy suite for a full closure story arc. To my knowledge, Colton didn’t fall into this trap and remained free of bonetown throughout his whole season. He left single and pursued Cassie who left his season early because she wasn’t ready to get married. They dated for a while and just recently broke up a few months ago where Colton then proceeded to stalk and harass Cassie until she took out a restraining order against him. Now he’s gay. He did an exclusive interview with Robin Roberts where he comes out officially and is living his truth now. Listen, Colton. I’m happy for ya, and I’mma let y’all finish but being gay doesn’t excuse being a total shitbag to your ex-girlfriend who was probably already reeling from the fact that you were pretty much never attracted to her. He tried to explain it away as being in a “dark place” and gave like a half-assed apology. So not only do I have a bone to pick with that, but also…buddy, take a beat and reflect on yourself and this new chapter of your life. In the past five years he’s been on every ideation of Bachelor Nation, including being the lead of his own season, has written a memoir, comes out publicly on GMA and NOW he’s filming a Netflix reality show about life after coming out. No. Nope. That’s enough. Relax, dude. Stop being a TOTAL reality show whorebag. Find your way without a camera crew. This is unhealthy. Cut the shit.

Oh hey, speaking of people who hoe themselves out for reality tv, check out the return of the horrific Hills reboot because OF COURSE Kristin is back… (*drink every time they say they don’t want to hurt people along the way, oops I’m hammered*)

3. White Boy Summer.

Remember Chet Hanks? Course you do. It’s Tom Hanks’ black sheep son who spent several years exclusively speaking in a Jamaican accent and making us all wonder how America’s treasure Tom and his lovely wife Rita created this. Well he’s back. He made a video a month or so ago declaring it White Boy Summer. And those that weren’t incredibly offended by this were intrigued to hear more. So Chet followed that up with Official Rules (No Sperrys, no plaid shirts & no calling girls smokeshows.) And then Official Merch that seemed borderline racist due to his choice in font so he addressed that as well, also adding in Black Queen Summer.

And for the grand finale… THIS MASTERPIECE:

I mean….Yes. This is just so preposterous. Chet has finally come to terms with how outrageous he is as a human being and created something that he seems to actually be in on the joke with. The song’s got a catchy beat, he’s out here slappin Black Queen cheeks and covering them with SPF 50 with his Good Charlotte font merch and I enjoyed every second of it. We all needed a good laugh and Chet Hanx the self-proclaimed Vanilla King delivered. The only thing that would’ve made this even better was an appearance from complete polar opposites Tom & Colin Hanks. A cutaway to dear ole dad after those shenanigans would’ve really hit the funny bone:

tom

4. Dancing With The Devil.

This is old news but in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve been on a little celeb hiatus for about a month now so I’m gonna yap about whatever I want now that I’ve returned. (The celeb hiatus was due to the fact that I got published *TWICE* not talking about Hollyweird and also my laptop was like hey, next up on your life bingo card of shitty and expensive things that happen out of the blue is me dying so buhbye.) So here I am, typing away on my gently used Macbook that was the only cost I could swing in the moment and I’M GONNA TALK ABOUT DEMI NOW, mmk? So her doc that I was thirsty as hell for came out and gotta be honest the way she rolled this thing out was infuriating. I thought it would be one shot and then people started spilling secrets from it and I had to question if it was already out and I somehow got the date wrong…nope it wasn’t. Everyone who got an advanced peek literally couldn’t stop themselves from spoiling it. THEN she releases it in half hour parts like episodes. Except it’s a doc…and we already knew all the salacious goss from it weeks beforehand. SO naturally I was super mad about it. IN SUMMARY: Demi relapsed a couple of years ago first with drinking and weed and then QUICKLY hit up crack and heroin. Ya know, super casual jump to take. And what’s hilarious about that is that she thought she could recreationally use these drugs as if they aren’t THE MOST ADDICTIVE SUBSTANCES in the drug game. She was lying about it and hiding it from everyone so it was a big shocker when she overdosed, which PS she essentially died from this overdose (was also raped by her drug dealer) and woke up blind and with a shit-ton of long-term injuries. Coolcoolcool. The doc talks a lot about her traumas and how she’s had a real rough go of it, her best friend wears this STUPID purple Aladdin hat the ENTIRE time and it makes me want to set it on fire atop his fluffy head:

Matthew-Scott-Montgomery

And now we have a new Demi album that dropped at the same time as this doc (same title, so super confusing) and here’s her first video where she reenacts the night she overdosed down to a T. Song is FIRE but the video is a little much. I’m sure it was a therapeutic thing for her but like suuuuper creepy to be watching you hooked up to a thing sucking the blood out of your neck, cleaning it of all the drugs and then pumping it back in. *vomsicles* 

So anyway, not a 10/10 recommend on the documentary split up into 30 min episodes for no reason unless you’re as fascinated by how Demi Lovato is still alive as I am. Can’t deny that voice though. Girl’s a powerhouse.

5. Ravioli Shoes.

If I’m going to make you watch Chet Hanx motorboatin’ butts to a subpar rap, I would be remiss if I didn’t also shine a light on the superstar that is John Mayer on Tiktok. He joined recently and basically took over the damn thing. We’ve always known J.May has quite the personality and hosting his own Instagram show for a hot minute just solidified that. Now he’s in the Tok game and what first started out as just him giving behind the scenes stories on his hits or teaching us how to play guitar like him, quickly morphed into him writing original ditties such as Ravioli Shoes that took off and just generally being the likable panty dropper that he is. So please, take a mo’ out of your day to enjoy John Mayer in his element.

@johnmayer

They just come to me #music #songwriting

♬ original sound – johnmayer

@johnmayer

Busy but fun day!!! #raviolishoes #viral #fyp #andycohen #songwriter

♬ original sound – johnmayer

@johnmayer

its called show *business* 😁 👍🏼 #music #songs #viral

♬ original sound – johnmayer

Meanwhile I’m just out here also doing the Lord’s work with my Tiktoks. When you’re hot on the Tok streetz like me and John Mayer, you’re white hot, amirite?!

@thesaltyju

Lint Porn. 😍🥵 #satisfyingvideos #itsgettinghotinhere #laundrytok

♬ Simply Sensual Sounds – The Smooth Sax Man
Standard
Playlist

The Breakup Boohoo’s

I make a lot of playlists with pick-me-up lyrics or peppy foot stompin’ beats because what I love about music is that it has a real way of lifting people out of the dumps and making you want to groove. But sometimes you very much want to exist solely in those dumps and wallow in their stinkiness. And never a discriminatory playlister, I made this one for you. It’s equivalent to popping on The Notebook when you need a good cry. Get in touch with this playlist when you want to sob your face off and feel sorry for your single-never-gonna-find-true-love ass. Then when it’s done, mop up your snot, take a shower, put on a red lip and pop on over to my Bitch, I’m Limited Edition playlist for a confidence boost.

1. Dreaming With A Broken Heart – John Mayer. I’ve never hidden my very public boner for John Mayer’s album Continuum as a whole piece of art that I want to crawl inside of and listen to on repeat forever. It also, happens to be a breakup album. Turns out ole Johnny boy really hit his stride when he was in heart turmoil. I wish he hit his stride by playing it in full when I saw him in concert last year instead of choosing to play it for dirty NYC instead. But obviously I’m not still holding onto that bitterness (I 100% am.) Every song off of this album is amazing–except Waiting on the World to Change because I’m not a hippie. However, nothing quite screams depression like his very detailed description of what it’s like to sleep when you’re heartbroken and wake up and remember that you lost the love of your life. If you’d also like a visual of that to really make sure your heart feels full of holes, look no further than this performance to it from So You Think You Can Dance (100 years ago.) The male lead in it is now the official DJ of The Ellen (soon to be cancelled) Show.

2. Everybody Hurts – R.E.M. I honestly had forgotten completely about this song until I read a romance novel last night cleverly titled “Beach Read” (10/10 would recommend) and the guy blasts this song at his birthday party and gets roasted by his soon to be love interest REAL hard for how depressing this song is. And it’s SUCH a quintessential cry song. I mean even Dwight Schrute popped this classic on with his windows rolled down in the parking lot when Michael Scott was giving more attention to Ryan the temp. Sometimes when you embarrassingly have tears streaming down your face, it’s comforting to know that EVERYBODY CRIIIIIIIEEEESSSSS.

3. It’s All Coming Back To Me Now – Celine Dion. I’ve never been more confident in my car concert performance skills than I am with this song. I will never ever get the words right no matter HOW hard I try to learn them, and yet people are MOVED by the notes I’m able to hit right up there with my girl Celine. This song is all about emotion. You breathe deep from your belly and let that sadness and regret come screaming out. Crying can certainly be a therapeutic release, but nothing will ever top the buildup of AND I BANISHED EVERY MEMORY YOU AND I HAD EVER MADEEEEEEEEEEE to go back down to a soft sadness of “but when you touch me like this.” I got goosebumps just thinking of it and now I think I’ll need to take my car for a spin down I-90 for a little cathartic Celine solo sesh.

4. What Hurts the Most – Rascal Flatts. Nobody knows heartbreak like country singers and that seems pretty obvious. This one’s a heart-wrenching song about trying to get through each day but the worst part being the regret. Oof. Let that tasty nugget sink in and simmer in your overactive brain before bed. Nope, just me? Cool, cool, cool.

5. I Don’t Know You Anymore – Savage Garden. About 0.01% of you will know this song. In fact, I would go out on a limb here and say about half of this playlist is obscure sad songs. I really dug deep for this. And that’s exclusively because this playlist is subjective and since it’s my blog and I write whatever I feel like writing about, I get to do that! I get to force the songs that I’ve cried to for years right in your faces and say HAH, check out these sobworthy tales that you may have never discovered before. Savage Garden became my crying CD (I believe they only made one) via my sister Nikki. Shoutout to her for passing down the sad. Whenever mom and dad were mean and punished me or a boy tripped me instead of smiling at me when I had a raging crush on him, I smashed play on the ole Savvy G. They just GET me, yaknow?! Just kidding, they just happen to have mellow delicate voices that soothe a sobbing pre-teen into a lull and make her relate her dumb 11 year old problems to adult tales of loss and abusive relationships (Two Beds and a Coffee Machine will make you want to rip your eyeballs out from sadness.)

6. Someone Like You – Adele. Ah yes, the fiery Brit with pipes beyond belief who started churning out breakup songs right out the gate. Nothing will make you sit and ponder life and stare out into the abyss like a deep Adele song. Even though I’m anticipating what type of music glow-up Adele will be releasing into the wild in the near future, this is a nice nod to her early days on the scene. Her voice is like a warm cup of tea that you immediately want to cry into.

7. Happier – Ed Sheeran. Honestly just hearing the beginning notes of this song makes me want to immediately burst into tears. Having someone love you so much that they just want to see you happy is the ultimate thing and YET that’s nearly impossible. WHO THE HELL WANTS TO SEE THAT? I’d rather go blind than see someone I was happy as a clam with being happy as a clam with someone else (probably on social media because that’s where people want to show that they’re SUH hAPpY.) Obviously this is why I’m a terrible human being and Ed is a phenomenal one. He even displayed this selfless unconditional love via puppets and balloons in the music video. A puppet could never date a balloon anyway so it’s for the best that she left his ass.

8. Reminds Me of You – Van Morrison. Normally when I make mixes I sprinkle the sads throughout and what I’m realizing is that having a playlist JUST FULL OF SADS is probably how people end up offing themselves. Please don’t do that. Crying is good. Wallowing with ice cream is encouraged. Watching a movie on Netflix where SPOILER ALERT you know the ending has the lead dying in the twin towers on September 11th (shoutout Remember Me) so you don’t have to see a happy ending is self-care. Listening to the depressing crooning of Van Morrison reminding you that everything in your life reminds you of your ex lover is NECESSARY.

9. You’ll Think Of Me – Keith Urban. This is a nice balance from Keith. It’s a little bit of GFY, mixed in with some feeling down and out. Keith has been cheated on and he’d like to remind this hussy ass ho that one day she’s going to circle back to him with regret and love and he’ll be like HAH no thanks. And that’s a nice mentality to have. An even better mentality to have, is thinking for SEVERAL years that he was singing “take your cat and leave my sweater” and that was HIGHLARIOUS to me. I think I grew to love this song even more just from believing that Keith was telling his girl to kick rocks and take her stupid cat with her too. Since I cannot stand the existence of cats, leaving one behind in a breakup seems like a normal thing to do because cats are assholes and probably would just hiss at you if you ever tried to cry and snuggle with them anyway. Nobody wants that cat. Or, if you finally google the lyrics for accuracy (10+ years later)…nobody wants that cap. Who the hell says CAP anyway?! It’s a hat, Keith. Or for our friends up north, a toque.

10. Breathe – Melissa Etheridge. I was scrolling through my iTunes library and had completely forgotten about this gem of a song. When I refreshed my memory with a play, I couldn’t fathom a boohoo playlist without it. I don’t think there’s ever been a MORE dramatic chorus than “I’m all right, I’m all right, it only hurts when I breathe.” Can you IMAGINE saying that to someone’s face. Like hey how ya doing? Oh I’m alright, it only hurts when I breathe. I LOVE THAT. I LIVE FOR THE DRAMA. This seems like something I would’ve written in my middle school journal. And I KNOW for a fact that I used it as an AIM away message. Everyone buzz off, the act of being alive is hurting me right now.

11. Amnesia – 5 Seconds of Summer. I thought it might be nice to hop from a rock n roll lesbian who my parents can’t get enough of, to an edgy boy band with a variety of shades of neon hair. Something for everyone to get their sad face on to! This song that this band 9000% did not write grapples with the idea of wishing we could just erase our brains completely because having memories makes heartbreak one trillion times worse. A little Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for your eardrums.

12. Hurts Like Hell – Wrabel. This one can probably go hand in hand with ya gurl Mel. Not only does it hurt when I breathe but it HURTS LIKE HELL. This is for the lingering case of the sads that lasts for several years and WOOF does that suck. Bet Wrabel wish they had amnesia, amirite?!

13. Drunk Me – Mitchell Tenpenny. I try to stay away from substance abuse when I know a stiff breeze could make my eyes unstoppable waterfalls of sadness and Mitchell seems to feel the same way. He’s not really into drinking when he’s going through a breakup because booze brings out all his emotions and also THERE AiN’T nO HaNGoVeR like you, gurl. And ain’t that the truth. Also, I genuinely get crippling hangovers and fun fact: alcohol is a depressant so getting more sad the day after is typically how that bitch ruins your weekend and you end up needing to turn on Teen Mom to see someone who’s struggling harder than you so you can find the strength to get up off the couch and make some Kraft Mac & Cheese.

14. Walking on Broken Glass – Annie Lennox. Yeah I could be shouting out our current lady popstars who know how to twist the knife BUT it seems like today’s generation is much more forgiving and less about the poor me’s. And that’s great and all, good for them, girl power, THANK U NEXT, I needed to LOSE you to LOVE me. But first, I need the wah wah’s. I need to feel V. sorry for myself before I can snap my fingers and declare that everything I need is standing right in front of me as I look in the mirror like Demi Lovato. And that’s where Annie comes into play. Annie’s like this sucks so bad it literally feels like I’m stepping directly onto shards of glass. YES, QUEEN. First we cry and make everyone feel sorry for our hardships, and then we sweep that glass up (when we’re ready and done feeling our feels) and pop in the Kelly Clarkson tell-off anthems.

15. Let Her Go – Passenger. Naturally songs are one of those things that can transport us right back to a place that we heard it first or a time in our life. This song brings me back to Fall of 2013. I had just graduated college and was living in an apt in Saratoga Springs with my dad and I was the MOST unemployed. (Kinda like now, it’s the CIIIIIRCLLEEE OF LIIIIFEEEEE.) Every morning I would get up, make myself a cup of coffee and turn on VH1 because they played music videos in the morning and I would start my job searching for the day. This song was hot to trot in their artsy new releases on VH1 (yes I realize I just admitted being into the morning equivalent of TRL in 2013, but I LOVE MUSIC VIDEOS, SUE ME) and it played quite literally every single day. And every time I heard it I teared up. What a sad ass song and this guy, who I can only assume never released a song again, has the sad ass voice to go with it. Either way, I soaked in the sad as I tried to convince someone to hire me. So whether it’s 2013 or 2020, you’ll find me crooning AND YOU LET HER GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO as my laptop becomes soaked with tears.

16. Incomplete – Backstreet Boys. Historically speaking country crooners have been the best at relaying their heartbreak and typically somehow involving alcohol (cough cough whiskey lullaby) but a hat tip to the boy bands as well, because you’ll be hard pressed to find more dramatic sadboi lyrics than this song right here. Plus, 5 guys singing their hearts out about swimming in an ocean all alone really packs a punch. I think the appropriate way to blubber to this song is on your knees staring up at the sky while it downpours directly into your face. Tears mixing with rain. You’re welcome. Without that visual, your life was incomplete.

bsbwhite

17. I’m Never Getting Over You – Gone West. Gone West put out exactly one album before they broke up as a band and ironically enough, it was two couples who had formed together and one of the couples also broke up. And even more ironically, their album was all about breakups. SO GONE WEST KNOWS A THING OR TWO ABOUT HEARTBREAK. Absolutely recommend giving their album a listen because they’re not all downers (shout out Confetti for being an upbeat breakup tune) and also because you’ll apparently never hear what they sound like as a band ever again. Colbie Callait and her bubbly ass ruined everything and I’ll never get over it.

18. Someone You Loved – Lewis Capaldi. I’d liken Lewis to a little bit of an Ed Sheeran but I’m guessing that offends him. But he is British just like Ed and does have some orange-ish unfortunate looking hair like Ed. And also he’s a phenomenal singer-songwriter. This one became a smash this past summer and made me want to curl up in a ball and die every time I heard it. In all of the good ways, of course. Like when the day bleeds into nightfall and you’re ALONE.

19. Un-Break My Heart – Toni Braxton. This is such a cocky way to be sad and I respect Toni for it. It’s not like ugh my life sucks and I’m walking on broken glass and I’ll probably die alone. It’s like no you better come over here and fix this. You did this. Reverse-REVERSE it. That wasn’t at typo. Ever since the Cupid Shuffle was beaten into my brain at middle school dances and weddings with shitty DJ’s I’ve been physically incapable of saying the word reverse without shouting in my head REVERSE, REVERSE! So now it’s time to get funky with it and un break Toni’s G-D heart and uncry her tears because far too many have been shed and I’m SICK OF IT.

20. The Scientist – Coldplay. I’m not sure if there’s anything that sounds more like giving up than “take me back to the start.” Thank you so much Chris Martin for giving us that gift along with “no one ever said it would be this hard” because you know what? There’s no adequate warning for how much being sad sucks until you’ve lived through it. It’s impossible to go back to the start though (cause, science) so let’s get right in our feelings and sob our way through.

21. Gone – *NSYNC. I’ve used this song on my Boy Bands Slow Jamz playlist (shameless plug, another sick mix of tunes) but it’s so heart-wrenching it deserves to be recycled on here. When you have five guys harmonizing over why you left, you know they must be sad. WHAT DID THEY DO TO MAKE YOU LEAVE?! Seriously though, if you’re all out of tears at this point, the least you can do is nail JT’s howling OHHOHHHOHHHOHHHHHH at the 3:50 minute mark. Make sure you get up in the high register at the end with a little rasp. Never mind…I’ll take it from here. Nothing brings me more joy than playing JT’s part in this song going from depressed as hell to angry and repeating what everyone else is singing with an aggressive tone. SITTIN HERE. TO GET YOU OFF OF MY MIND. MY BEST TO BE A MAN. Ok I’m done. DONEEEE.

22. All Too Well – Taylor Swift. I realize that Taylor just released an entire album of sad and dramatic breakup songs and almost all of them could make this ugly cry list (lookin specifically at exhile and my tears ricochet) and that obviously she’s written a bajillion breakup songs and there’s a reason why everyone thinks she’s just a big ole serial dater crushing hearts left and right…BUT…there is only one breakup song in Taylor Swift world that trumps them all. And there is only one breakup song ever that is quite possibly the greatest masterpiece of all time. And it is All Too Well. The details of falling in love and basically tying it in with the leaves dying in the fall…I mean, she made a breakup a SEASON. And rightfully so. The dramatics of the piano and getting REAL heated and the sadness when she drops back down again to remember it all too well. I could talk about this song for the rest of my life and it still wouldn’t be enough. I’ve performed it solo in my car, hands slamming on the steering wheel even more than I’ve screeched Celine’s flashes of light. I’ve used the lyrics when I wanted to get a dramatic point across. And when I went through my own breakups, I ugly cried my damn face off to it remembering my own moments singing in the car (this song ironically) getting lost upstate–she was OBVIOUSLY singing about upstate NY. This is the pinnacle of breakup boohoo songs, so do yourself a favor and lay there like a crumpled up piece of paper and let the loss of Jake Gyllenhaal (or whatever dum dum who dumped you and will never compare to Jake) course through your veins.

Screen Shot 2020-08-18 at 11.34.53 PM
Screen Shot 2020-08-18 at 11.35.14 PM
Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/6/2020

1. JT World Tour. 

Just because shit isn’t taping at a studio, doesn’t mean we are spared press tours. JT is the latest to be making the rounds hawking Trolls World Tour–which is one of the first movies to go right to streaming rental, bypassing the movie theaters. (Whole other argument, but we shouldn’t be forced to pay $20 to watch a movie at home. Reserve that bend over pricing for seats that somewhat recline, a 50 ft movie screen and movie theater popcorn that is so buttery your hands are legit greased over. If that’s not the environment I’m viewing the movie in, I will pay no more than 0 dollars. Tysm.) ANYWAY, JT is all over the damn place this week. Kickin it with J.Fall for bro hour on the Tonight Show, dropping new music videos, doing radio interviews and he even made an appearance on Hot Wings, the YouTube show where celebrities eat spicy wings and try not to immediately have explosive hot diarrhea tear out of their butthole while they answer questions about their life. I would embed that video here but it was 30 minutes of JT saying the wings were hot and he was going to need a toilet later. So really, I’m sparing y’all. As a very public JT fangirl, I can be completely honest with you and say that quarantine press does not agree with him. I got excited to see his bits with Jimmy because they always make me giggle and want to be a part of their BFF inside jokes but this Quarantine remix and the interview that followed were not up to par for my entertainment. The hardest I laughed in the interview was when Jimmy did finger guns because JT razzes him real hard on that but otherwise I was really rooting for them to be funnier or just do another History of Rap or something. I guess their bits only work in person.

So I was already feeling let down by that, then I’m cruising through People.com, business as usual and I stumble upon this headline:

Screen Shot 2020-04-09 at 11.07.43 PM

And I got ALL SORTS OF FIRED UP. There is not a CHANCE that these two attention whores are also full-on parents without hired help. Kids need the MOST attention in the world and Silas has an actress mom and a singer/actor/comedian dad. NO WAY ARE THESE TWO 24-HOUR PARENTING. They have AT LEAST two nannies and I will not hear anything otherwise. They’re quarantined in one of their homes in Montana, so they’re out in the middle of nowhere and if there’s one thing that I know for SURE about celebrities, when they vacation or isolate themselves, they bring the whole G-D paid staff with them. Chefs, maids, nannies, what have you. Do not for a second bitch about how hard parenting is when you’re rich AF and probably just kick it with your son when your schedule allows. I’m just now realizing that I might still harbor some bitter resentments about JT publicly cheating on Jess in December and it’s all coming out now that he’s doing media again. I apologize for not working through these issues sooner, but JT you’re in timeout for a little while. Drop a new heater (not Trolls-related) and we’ll talk about getting back in my good graces. This also seems like an ideal time to remind everyone that when he cheated, my ex-boyf’s mom texted me to gossip about it and she told me I’m prettier than Jessica Biel and I will sing that from the rooftops until they put me in the ground. Never forget.

2. I Need Jessica Simpson Confidence.

Jessica Simpson posted this compare/contrast for giggles and my immediate thought was that it takes the most confident woman in the world to post a Rolling Stone Cover from her early 20’s where her body is in peak condish, she’s tanned, toned and professionally made up next to THAT. Sometimes I take ugly selfies on snapchat where I clearly don’t have makeup on and my hair is greasy or there’s a zit on my face and send it discreetly to my mom or my sister for a little “lol I’ll die alone because I’m hideous” but Jessica Simpson was like IDGAF and put one of those pics out to her 5.3 million followers next to the magazine cover that basically caused her divorce. Jk, it wasn’t the magazine cover SPECIFICALLY, it was mostly that Nick is a far less talented loser living in her shadow and being v. jelly about it for their entire marriage. I can say these things because I read Open Book and rewatched the entire series of Newlyweds, so basically not only are Jess and I best friends, but I know everything there is to know about her life. Highly recommend reading her book if you enjoy shooting celebrity gossip straight into your veins like I do. You have to get through a LOT of Jesus talk to get there, but trust me, it’s worth it. It also allowed me to watch Newlyweds with a whole new filter and realize that it’s finally time to stop shipping a Nick and Jess reunion and calling them the perfect couple because they really did not like each other and Nick was a reeealll douche. He’s the host of Love is Blind now, so obviously all is well with him. No hard feelzies. (But Team Jess for Lyfe.)

3. Full House Forever.

The show that will never go quietly into the night (don’t even get me started on Fuller House and what a horrifically campy show that comeback turned out to be) decided to lean into TikTok and create their own updated opening credits. The show may never die, but Aunt Becky SURELY did because they kicked her RIGHT out of the family. Don’t care if you’re not in jail yet, Lori, the cast can’t have you dragging down their TikTok views with bad pub. Interesting spin that Becky’s out, but Jeff Franklin is in when he caught a little bit of #MeToo flack recently for inapprops behavior. SEXISM. Either way, 10/10 for Mr. T’s bit. This is really his time to shine.

4. 9021-No.

View this post on Instagram

Watch this video. Nuff said. @torispelling

A post shared by Dean McDermott (@imdeanmcdermott) on

Yaknow I love 90210 and I love razzin on your girl Tori Spelling who will publicly do ANYTHING to make money, but she’s getting a little blowback for that right now and I couldn’t stop myself from soaking it in. Her husb and known sex addict Dean is a little rough and tumble and definitely doesn’t do much to bring home the bacon, but he does love to spout off on social media to defend his wife and kids. This time T is getting shit on not for feeding her kids too much, but for charging fans $95 for a virtual meet and greet. Look, I get both sides here. As someone who is extremely unemployed, I want to punch everyone whose preaching to make donations and support local businesses and spend all this money right now that I most certainly don’t have. Yet, I’ve also gotten very comfy with my favorite singers putting out free weekly concerts on instagram and all of the paid subscriptions releasing shows and movies that I was too poor to watch before and stores begging me to buy their clothes with 70% off sales every day. I’m not quite sure how to exist in a world where I fork over $95 to Zoom with Tori Spelling and take a screenshot of us not physically together. HOWEVER, Tori Spelling is out here just hustlin’ and I gotta respect that. She’s hearing about Bachelor contestants–NOT WINNERS–*CONTESTANTS* charging people on Cameo to send them video messages and she’s like I’m DONNA F*ING MARTIN. I’m not gonna let these reality stars show me up! I’m worth more than a $10 cameo. I’m Aaron Spelling’s daughter! And for that, I also agree. Also, she has to support her loser hubz and his repeated sex addiction rehab, I’m guessing. So everyone CTFD and let the idiot 90210 superfans fork over a hundo to videochat with Donna Martin. I’ll even consider it if she throws in a David Silver appearance. Just kidding, I won’t. I added a pair of overalls to my cart yesterday then saw that an additional discount didn’t apply and concluded that $30 was still too much to pay. So, $95 for a conference call is downright outrageous.

5. Quaran-Tunes

Lotsa time to drop some new beats. Jesse McCartney showing us why he’s still the swoonster heartthrob (vocals only, that outfit he’s wearing is all sorts of atrocious.) John Mayer has been flexing all over lately, doing a Zoom with SUNY Oneonta, making up new songs on his Insta show and now teaming up with Leon for a smooooove Quarantine original. Selena wanted everyone to know that the timing is unfortunate for her release of this song (marketing rules the world, tho) as the last thing on her mind during this pandemic is finding a boyfriend…and yet….here we are. Turns out she’ll settle for some frogs instead. And last but certainly not least–my favorite of the bunch, an ULTIMATE mashup of LUDAAAAA, Lil Jon & Ursher baybay, reminding us that they like to penetrate mad ladiezz. HOARD. God I needed Ludacris back in my life and what a treat this disgusting song is to my ears. Give me a few listens and I’ll have Luda’s part down pat. Will report back.

BONUS: THIS DANCER IS GONNA DANCE.

I will continue to broadcast my budding dance career because if anything good can come from this pandemic, it better be some rhythm for ya gurl. I have forever wanted to be a dancer and yet being able to move to a beat and remember choreography are key components that I’m sorely lacking. Now that I have all the time in the world and a newfound obsession with TikTok, I’m determined to make this my time to shine. I failed at Darryn’s Dance Grooves, I used my Dancing with the Stars DVD that I got for my 18th birthday exactly one time and thought it would be appropriate to wear heels and a flowy skirt for what I now know was just a workout video and I didn’t make the Radio Disney Dance Team because during tryouts I fudged up the choreo and had dead face. But all of that will not be in vain. I will hit a beat and make ONE TikTok dance video that slaps harder than the youths. After practicing this one for two hours, getting the yips on the last 10 takes and still noticing we were off-beat from the very first dab…this will not be that video. BUT I WILL KEEP TRYING. STAY TUNED. I AM GOING TO BE A DANCER.

Inspiration:

 

Reality:

PS Shoutout to my main squeeze, my Leopard Saved By The Bell Twinnie who was over this about 20 minutes into it (although may it be known she was the one who suggested it) because there’s no one else I’d rather have as my dance partner. Also, it really helps that you’re equally as bad at dancing so we really balance each other out. Looking forward to smashing through a few more foreign dance crew Step Up knock-offs on Netflix and learning some new mooves!

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of January 24, 2020

Your favorite feature is back because everyone’s just blabbing their faces off in Hollywood this week and I am EATING IT UP. Also I don’t have a job, so like what else would I be doing with my days?

1. Jessica Simpson TELL – ALL.

Open Book by Jessica Simpson CR: HarperCollins

I’ve never hidden the fact that I was a Newlyweds SUPER-fan, like to the point where I would youtube old episodes in college and pray for Jess & Nick to reunite. I just felt like they were destined to be together, yanno? Well, they weren’t. And my naive little pop culture heart just wanted my two favorite hottie pop stars to talk about chickeny tuna forever instead of realizing that they met when they were teenagers and got married at 22 and that’s a straight recipe for disaster. Anyway, that’s not the point of this blurb–the point is that Jess released a tell-all book that has been DOMINATING the headlines this week. There were some tidbits about her marriage to Nick and her time with John Mayer sexual napalm bad boy of Hollywood but the biggest bombshell is that she was a closet addict for like A LOT of years. Through her entire career up until 2017 basically and HOW DID WE NOT KNOW?! Jess reveals that she was sexually abused as a child and that’s partially why she coped with alcohol and pills…it also didn’t help that we were calling her a heffer every single day that she didn’t look like she did in her Daisy Dukes prime. Yoikes. That’s on us, Jess. Sorry bout that one. But also let’s circle back to John Mayer and how he has the WORST rep with the ladies. There’s the ever popular Dear John about him taking advantage of Taylor Swift, and now there’s Jessica Simpson talking about how she felt like she needed to have all eyes on her texts, checking for grammar errors to be smart enough to bang J.May. Also, she literally says he was obsessed with her. Well-played, Jess. Maybe we’ll get another Continuum out of him from this.

meangirls

2. Taylor Swift SHOW – ALL.

Countdown begins until I park myself in front of the TV on January 31st and don’t blink for two hours soaking in every detail that Taylor is willing to divulge to me. The biggest tidbits to come from this so far after the trailer was dropped this week is that Taylor’s mom has a brain tumor and Taylor once had an eating disorder from pap photos pointing out her stomach. That stuff is sad and all but did YOU SEE TAYLOR DROP AN F BOMB IN THIS TRAILER?! LET’S F**KING GOOOOOOOOOOO. She’s taking her damn life back and “it feels fucking awesome.” YAASSS KWEEEEENNNNNNN. Ok but seriously though y’all already know that I drool at everything Taylor Swift does and real talk I just want to know everything about her life EXCEPT politics. If this documentary is heavy on the political talk, I’m out. Fingers crossed we just get some good ole fashioned gossip and not a lecture on voting. Also, No:

Screen Shot 2020-01-24 at 11.26.41 AM

3. Car-pull Karaoke.

carpoolkaraoke

So this is a thing everyone is outraged over this week and I’m baffled as to why. Are we really that dumb as a group of people? Don’t answer that. A fan saw James Corden filming Carpool Karaoke and took a picture and outed him for not actually driving the car and the world went BUH-NAN-UHS. They feel shocked and cheated and lied to and HOW DID YOU IDIOTS THINK THIS WAS FILMED? There’s like several cameras and angles and they have to be set up in the windshield to get the whole car ALSO this segment is purely for entertainment and he’s focused on dancing and singing and talking to these passengers HOW DO YOU EXPECT HIM TO ALSO NAVIGATE LA TRAFFIC? My God you’re all morons. There’s literally times where the car is moving and James has no hands on the wheel and is looking fully at the star in the front seat. Did y’all really think he was that talented of a driver? Listen, I’ll level with you, when I found out that MTV used to pull LC around LA in her BMW convertible ON THE BACK OF A TRAILER, I also was heated and felt like I had been betrayed. But then I thought about how if I try to change the song on the radio, I almost run myself off the road so it’s really asking a lot of celebrities to multi-task this much while driving and I’m ok with that. I’d rather see James and JLo text Leonardo DiCaprio about hitting the clubs than have his hands on 10 and 2 driving through town.

4. Breakup Tats.

What do you do when your 8 year relationship just ended and everyone knows about it? Get a sunflower tatted on your boob and flash it up on instaG so your ex sees that you’re doing just FINE. Tale as old as time. Women are so predictable. Either we get new hair or new ink, either way we gotta show that we’re still hot but only to the person who dumped us because no one else matters. (Meanwhile, my ex only goes on instagram to watch videos of people falling or crashing into things and I could post a boomerang of me doing jumping jacks naked and it wouldn’t even be on his radar.) So Vanessa, GET IT GURL, win the breakup for all of us singles. Three whole posts for a little tit ink. Eat your heart out, Austin.

5. The JoBros Are Crushing It.

Look, I was never a Jonas Brothers super fan and to be perfectly honest, they showed 0 personality at their concert and I was expecting a lot out of them because they do shit like this and they’re hilarious. I will give them all the props in the world though because they have CRUSHED this comeback. I feel like every day of the week they’re dropping something new or doing something zany. They’ve got funny tiktoks, they can pound beers (or Nick’s personal tequila), they drop fire flames singles and then toss out music videos banging their hot wives to accompany the jamz. Now they’ve got a residency in Vegas, I guess? THEY LITERALLY CANNOT BE STOPPED.

I mean seriously, they said they’ve got a surprise in store for their Grammys performance and I’m salivating at all of the possibilities. If it’s just having the J Sisters hooch it up and get macked on by them onstage, though, I’m out. Like enough of that. We get it, they’re hot and you love them. I’m over it. I’m not over this song though cause it slaps real hard.

Standard
JUice, Pop Culture

Weekly JUice

Week of May 7th, 2018

1. Taylor Tour Week.

Katy Perry Taylor Swift Credit: Taylor Swift/Instagram

Since Tay is the queen of self-promotion, she started a social media countdown to her tour where she revealed BTS deets each day on Insta Story. On the first day of her tour she showed the above snippet of an ACTUAL OLIVE BRANCH that Katy Perry sent her and apparently everything is gumdrops between those two now. KENYOUNOT, Katy? Can this “feud” forever be over and we never have to hear about it again?! I’m annoyed at both of them for playing this up for publicity. Speaking of, deets from the first show were released as they always are, and Taylor makes a long ass speech about being bullied by Kim Kardashian and the snake emoji before she sings Love Live (which is one of her worst songs, BTW) So cheers to a tour that I cannot afford because her cheapest tickets were $300 a piece and playing up the Kimmy/Katy feud for the rest of time. Do I sound bitter? Oh, that’s because I am.

reputationsnakereputation tour

2. New J.May.

I’ve had a hard stance on loving Continuum-era-John, where he was being a borderline racist and sexist pig in public appearances, but his music was hot fire flames at that time. Since then I’ve never really been all in on whatever he’s released. This easy listening with weird xylophone sounds in the background weren’t really doing it for me but I do like when he amps it up in the middle. I also can appreciate him wearing the hell out of that straight from the 90’s windbreaker.

3. New Selenaassss.

Selena Gomez dropped a new single to coincide with promoting season two of 13 Reasons Why. Can’t say I’ll be tuning in for that comeback since the first season was so depressing that I was basically messed up for a month after watching it. BUT I can say that I do love this new tune. I also happen to know the writer of this song from back in the college days, an opener for Eric Hutchinson in my school auditorium, so that’s pRETTY kewl. It’s also really fun to read headline after headline saying this new song is about Justin Bieber when I know for a FACT that Selena had no hand in writing this. So unless my pal (we follow each other on social media) Micah is hung up on the Biebz, I’m gonna have to say that’s false.

Update: 

Just scooping up relashe news like nobody’s biz. You heard it here first. The real story behind the music.

4. Jesse & The Mini Ripper

ISN’T THAT THE CUTEST THING YOU’VE EVER SEEEEEEN? False. This is:

IMG_5167

JK JK, lil Billy supporting the Rips and Danny and Becky looking on adoringly is as cute as it gets. Even cuter than two drunk adults wearing matching Jesse and the Rippers tees for a 90’s themed pub crawl. PLAY US OUT, JESS. (He can remake the video IRL now!)

5. Let’s Keep Making Fun of Kanye.

Look. you can tell when there’s not enough headlines to complete the JUice. I’m gonna be up front with you. It was a slow week. But I’m committed to the blog life and still wanted to give you new content. So here’s an SNL sketch from Saturday that makes fun of all the Kanyizzle tweets I posted a few weeks ago. For someone who never watches SNL anymore or looks at skits after they air, I felt like this was a good one to share. Cause the JUice revolves around Chrissy Teigen’s gumbo and if I was ever forced to stay quiet for any period of time you can guarantee I would be dead. Pooptydescooop, indeed.

Standard
JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/14/16

1-3. People continues to disappoint. 

What once was a joyous occasion, the unveiling of People’s Sexiest Man Alive, has quickly turned into an annual disappointment. In my early blog days I wrote a thinkpiece (whiny bitch blog) about how Ryan Gosling has never won and Chris Hemsworth didn’t deserve the title. I shit pretty hard on People. Then last year they listened and gave the honor to David Beckham, which was the most deserved. This year, I’m out again. Sure, The Rock is funny and looks gr8 in a turtleneck and mom jeans but that doesn’t make a sexiest man alive. Before I get on a rant…here’s  a quick list of five hot guys who are killing it this year, and deserve the cover just as much.

Scott-Eastwood-photo

Scott Eastwood is getting more movies after his Nicholas Sparks debut, he was a T Swift love interest and he looks like that. So yeah, he’s a contender.

Brett makes bangarang country music and DELIVERS on snapchat with a segment he calls “Bedhead Jams” where he serenades me (and ME ONLY) right before he goes to bed. It’s what dreams are made of, literally. Honorable mention to Edgar his new puppy who he cuddles sometimes for bedhead jams and it literally causes my heart to explode. Doesn’t get more classic than hot guys and puppies.

joebiden

Young Joe Biden. Nuff said.

milogif

2016 is straight up the year of Milo. This Is Us is snagging up those ratings with his hot sensitive dad thing and also Team Jess forever, he’s about to rock out a Gilmore Girls comeback as well. Welcome back, Milo. We’ve missed you.

Kris Bryant - Portrait

Shoutout to Kris Bryant, my #1 sexiest man alive of the moment, and the reason I became a Cubs fan during the World Series. I’m so glad I hopped aboard the Cubbies wagon when I did because they won the damn thing, Kris’s smile and ocean eyes mesmerized me on the winning play and also I got to learn the words to Go Cubs Go, which is a real hit song. I’m sure everyone appreciated me singing it drunk at the bar the following weekend. Anyway, Kris just won MVP and it would’ve been pretty sweet if he could’ve won that and a title for being sexy all in the same week. Whatever, People. Kris you’ll always have my heart as my first MLB boyfriend. Props to my dad who pointed him out to me then told me I definitely had a chance.

And as a bonus add:

jT

Because until he wins I’ll petition every single year. An all around entertainer and hunky slab of meat, JT has deserved to take home this W the most.

4. Meh on the Weekend. I’m very outspoken in the fact that Continuum is on my top ten CD’s of all time and I could listen to it forever and ever. Those were the days…back when JayMay was a little bit racist in Rolling Stone but crushed the soulful music. Then he disappeared and came back soft and put out shitty music. When he announced new music last week I was rubbing my hands together in anticipation and I gotta be honest I feel a little let down. I’ll give it a chance because JT’s big comeback was Suit & Tie (barf forever) and then he crushed it with the 20/20 experience but still…not impressed big J.

5a. Lucas Scott, the novelist. Chad Michael Murray wrote a romance novel and it’s not called The Comet. Psh. Sounds lame AF. No seriously though, I got excited for a Lucas Scott original IRL until I saw that it was an adventure novel with dabbles of romance. Count me OUT.

lucas

5b. In related news, the OTH gang reunited for the 100th convention last weekend in Chicago (where Sophia Bush films her TV show) and they still could only get about 4 characters to show up. We did get a little Scott brothers action though and for that I am thankful.

Bonus points for Taylor James making an appearance. CAUSE WHAT IS A OTH CONVENTION WITHOUT HER?!

I realize I kind of mailed in the JUice this week and for that I apologize and leave you with this picture of a FLAWLESS* Blake Lively hitting the red carpet for the first time since baby numero dos was born.

blake

 

Standard
Television

Emmys 2016 Recap

I missed the monologue (edit: then found it online and was immediately swayed to call at least one person a sneaky little crumpet-muncher this week) but I’m willing to give Jimmy Kimmel my stamp of approval as host because he’s pretty damn likeable and 90% of his jokes landed throughout the show. Even a Bill Cosby reference. Plus, his beef with Matt Damon should be old at this point but they found a way to keep it fresh. Also, he’s not Andy Samberg, who literally buzzkilled real hard last year. And that’s saying a lot since my power went out mid-show and I still missed half of his bits. Anyway, since my TV consumption pretty much begins and ends with trash, I don’t have a lot of knowledge of the nominees (except for People vs. OJ..prayers up that I watched something of “value” this year) but I do have a lot of snarky comments and here’s a brief recap of the 10 best things about the kickoff to the most wonderful time of the year—awards season.

1. Food jokes part 3. By law, there must always be a food bit at awards shows because Hollywood as a group, doesn’t eat. If you’ll recall we’ve already had pizzas delivered via Ellen at the Oscars and then a follow-up of girl scout cookies with Chris Rock. Kimmel went for a more traditional route by having his mom make everyone PB&J’s and I didn’t hate it. Mostly it just made me salivate for one, cut diagonally of course. Cin, could you whip one up and overnight it? Everyone knows a PB&J doesn’t taste good unless your mom has made it with love. It was a nice touch that Mrs. Kimmel also included a personal note in each sack lunch. I officially rank this bit above the girl scout cookies but will never hold a candle to A list celebs shoving a cheese slice in their pizza hole in evening wear.

screen-shot-2016-09-18-at-10-42-24-pm

1a. JUice’s take on the Juice. As a part of this brown baggin it sketch, Jimmy also handed out juiceboxes and as an eternal fan of Ross’s tireless repeating of “Uncle Juice” for the entire season of The People vs. OJ, he fully deserved to be roasted via actual juicebox.

2. Claire Danes took a trip to the actual sun for tonight’s look. Unfortunately I missed Claire walking the red carpet but I can only hope that one of the interviewers asked her where she got her “glow” and then quickly answered for her “THE SUN?!”, Chandler Bing style. Wooooooooof to that spray tan girl. Double woof to an actual headline that I saw calling it a glow. That ain’t a glow. That’s toeing the line with blackface.

68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

rosstan

3. John Mayer’s guitar face wins all the Emmy’s. If you’ve ever been a fan of J.May you know that he has an all-time guitar stank face. Since he’s decided to become an official deadhead and tour the country jam-band style instead of making new bangerz, I’ve really missed that pinched look gracing my TV. It was a wonderful surprise to see it before commercial breaks. The only thing that was missing was a T. Swizzy audience dance-fest cutaway. (Could’ve really used this for Hiddleston’s entrance as well…just sayin the Emmy’s was missing drama.) PS I don’t count moving the camera from Hiddleston to Mayer as drama. Stop being so immature, Emmys.

jmayguitarojohnmayerjohnmayeremmys

4. Comedy females crushed the genuine. Kate McKinnon won supporting actress for SNL and Julia Louis-Dreyfus won lead actress for Veep. Both ladies owned the acceptance speech. Kate brought the tears but wanted to clarify that they were real, which is important to know coming from a sketch actress. Julia apologized for creating an environment where it’s ok for politics to be a big ole joke but then it got real dusty in here when she talked about her dad dying a few days ago. We should all thank our parents for actually liking us because I imagine that can be difficult sometimes. (90% of the time, for me.)

5. KYLE CHANDLER, YAAASSSSSSS. Coach presents an award for something that I immediately ignored because I was busy slobbering all over how good he looked onstage. Clear eyes, full hearts, Kyle Chandler doesn’t age. Then Kit Harington and Andy Samberg do a bit about kissing him and he gets a second moment to shine. Obviously I would give Kyle Chandler a million kisses but I’ll also throw a smooch to whoever wrote him into the show this much. It was needed.

View this post on Instagram

Reunited. #Emmys #fnl #blurry

A post shared by connie britton (@conniebritton) on

And not for nothing but I would also give all the kisses to Kit Harington as well. Swoon city.

screen-shot-2016-09-19-at-8-19-34-am

6. Matt Damon makes me want to start snacking healthy again. Damon continues his beef with Kimmel by strolling onstage post-lose and showing that he actually can be hilarious…and also that he’s the most graceful apple eater on this earth. Seriously, when I bite into an apple one would think a horse has gotten loose with the chomping and apple spray that ensues. Matt managed to chew like a hot piece while simultaneously roasting Jimmy and I’m proud of him for it.

screen-shot-2016-09-19-at-8-20-15-am

7. Queen B lost, but Hova won. Lemonade didn’t win (middle fingers up) but Jay-Z got to write the COOLEST line a guy could give to his lady via acceptance speech. Sterling K. Brown of People vs. OJ won, and confidently closed his speech with the lyric “I got the hottest chick in the game rocking my chain.” So, like, he got laid last night.

screen-shot-2016-09-18-at-10-41-53-pm

Seriously, it’s goals on goals to be called out like that. Then Courtney B. Vance tried to get all up on that, copycat style. And then a white guy ruined it later on…Typs.

courtney-vance

8. Ryan Murphy Isn’t God. Even though I was proud to have actually watched a show that won shit, I would never go so far as to say that the People vs OJ was the best show on TV this year. Either way, the actors in it snag all the awards but then when the series wins, they’re played off the second they touch the mic. To be clear, everyone and their mother talked over the music until it stopped and yet the entire cast of this show was like eh, ok and just let the insulting premature strings send them packing. Should’ve taken some notes from Aziz Ansari who got played off then doubled back once he got the mic again and gave his acceptance speech. Play by your own rules People vs. OJ. Bunch of squares.

aziz

9. Tori Kelly slays. Her acoustic version of “Hallelujah”gave me all the feels for the “insert celebrity name died this year, really?” portion of the show.

10. Byebyebyebyebyebyebyeeee. The final acceptance speech via the cast/crew of Game of Thrones ended with a stony-faced “bye bye” from a writer(?) possibly director or producer(?). Listen, I don’t know a damn thing about Game of Thrones other than that everyone watches it and there’s a lot of sex and murder but the biggest takeaway is that Bye Bye is SUPER weird unless you’re a marionette and you’re tacking on another bye. This might be all I remember from the 2016 Emmy’s and I respect this guy for it.

bye-bye-bye-nysnc-o

Bonus: As election season coincides with awards season, we should all get reaaalll used to the fact that all of Hollywood is “with her.” And the correlating jokes are about to get exhausting.

Standard
Music

Taylor Swift: 1989

IMG_3869

As everyone should know very well by now, whether they are a fan or not, Monday October 27th marked Taylor Swift Day. Not the first, and probably not the last, but still a joyous day indeed. Taylor dropped her newest album 1989 and I felt like this would be a fitting time to foray into music reviews. Here’s my take on 1989, track by track. *’ed tracks are my JAMS.

Full Disclosure: There is no All Too Well on this CD. There will never be another All Too Well and excuse me while I go listen to it for the 4000th time and cry softly to myself.
 

1. Welcome to New York: As an avid H8ER of NYC, this song on message alone bloooows. When I think “Welcome to NY”, I smell street meat mixed with homeless people BO, hear sirens and people shouting for money and see Amanda Bynes wandering aimlessly with bandaids on her face. But of course I’m not Taylor Swift with an endless bank account and supply of fresh crop coordinates to wear upon exiting the gym. So I guess I can understand how we would see NY differently. Putting that aside, not into the sick beat on this one, a little too 13 going on 30 for me. 

 Honorable mention lyrics: “Kaleidoscope of loud heartbeats under coats”  & “Took our broken hearts, put them in a drawer, Everybody here was someone else before”

2. Blank Space*: First ten seconds, gangster Tay? NICE TO MEET YOU. WHERE YOU BEEN? This is 100% one of those songs that if it were to come on I wouldn’t know how to groove to it. It’s way too cool for me. I love it. I feel like this is the sassiest Tay gets on this album and you gotta respect the sass. (PS “They’ll tell you I’m insane” hits a little close to home, huh T?)

Honorable mention lyric: “Cause darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” I mean obviously. The delivery of this paired with a cocky laugh. Oohh kill em, OG T.

3. Style*: Hey do you think this is about Harry? Just wondering. This is a good “I feel like I’m reading seventeen magazine and doing my nails when I bop to this” jam. Also Taylor saying she wears a tight little skirt? HUSSY. I LOVE it. (So did Harry apparently) Burn city. Side note: Harry’s dirty locks are actually starting to go out of style, he should probably consider cleaning that up. Taylor’s red lip and crop coordinates, however, I am not sick of yet so for right now I agree. You so stylish, girl.

Honorable mention lyric: “Take me home. Just take me home” (There’s really no good lyric in this song so I chose this one because I want Harry Styles to just take me home. Also this lyric is a rare glimpse of Taylor not being a cat lady for once.)

4. Out of the Woods*: I think this one has to be my favorite so far. I hated it at first because when it came out I was still jamming so hard to Shake it Off and I wasn’t ready for it. I’m ready now. It’s just the right amount of 80’s sound. More like Breakfast Club, less like 13 Going on 30. Also I like when Tay wails OH I REMEMBER. (Insert goat sound here, internet.) Jk she has much more goaty songs yet to come.

Honorable mention lyric: “The rest of the world was black and white But we were in screaming color”

5. All You Had To Do Was Stay: This is a tough one for me. I like everything about this song except for the “stay” which is essentially the whole song. It’s supes whiny. It kind of sounds like when I would *hypothetically* perform a solo concert in my car and try to hit the high notes in All Too Well. Not gr8. And that’s why I can’t love this song.

Honorable mention lyric (this is difficult…there’s literally 4 lyrics to this song): “But people like me are gone forever when you say goodbye.” YEAH GIRL POWER. Let em walk gurrrrlll.

6. Shake It Off*: The second this song came out I loved it real hard. The downfall of this is that it got me super excited and swept up in the year of new Taylor causing me to immediately and aggressively pre-buy 1989 the next day. Pre-buying a cd is a huge commitment when you don’t know what it will sound like, it’s an even bigger and more embarrassing commitment when you realize it comes with 13 personal polaroids of Taylor and you have to ship it to your sister’s apt because you don’t have an address yet. In retrospect it was too much. I got swept away in Swift hysteria. I know that now. I DO NOT, however, regret playing this song on repeat for the remainder of the summer and long after everyone had already gotten annoyed by it. It’s the 22 of this album, and I’d like to personally thank Taylor for making it all ages. Getting past 22 was a rough spot for me. 23 just isn’t as cool and flirty. Could for sure do without the mid song talking. It gives me all the uncomfies.

Honorable mention lyric: “It’s like I got this music In my mind Saying, “It’s gonna be alright.” CHURCH. (I don’t even know what that means I just heard Scott Disick say it once so I wanted to give it a whirl.)

Shakeitoff

7. I Wish You Would: This song feels like a Hil Duff song during the Disney days. Like I can see Lizzie McGuire jamming to this song on her Hit Clips while Gordo stares at her longingly, Ethan models and styles his fluffy Ken doll hair in his locker mirror and Miranda wears wacky clothes so that she’s less irrelevant. Did I go too far with that? Probably. But that’s all I can think of. So sue me. I think the best part of this song is when the “I wish, I wish” in the background goes away.

Honorable mention lyric: “You give me everything and nothing” So much drama. So many feels.

8. Bad Blood*: So apparently this song is about Katy Perry? I swear to God if anyone is still fighting over John Mayer we need a quick reality check. It’s John Mayer. His songs haven’t been sex since Contiuum circa 2006. Old John Mayer=worth fighting over. New hippy, post-racism retirement John Mayer=not worth fighting over. Got it? Stand down gurls. Now that we’ve cleared that up, this song is growing on me, which is why it earned a star. I like the beat and it makes me feel like I could carry a boombox on my shoulder and start street fights with girls wearing whipped cream bras with a blue wig.

Honorable mention lyric: “Bandaids don’t fix bullet holes” So true Dr. Swift, so true.

9. Wildest Dreams: I haven’t read many reviews of this album yet but one that I read before I had even listened to the album said she mimicked Lana del Ray on one track, I’m going to assume it’s this one. ALL I can think when listening to this song is how it’s almost exactly the Lana/Great Gatsby “Young & Beautiful”. Lana’s song “Say you’ll still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful.” Tay’s song “Say you’ll remember me standing in a nice dress staring at the sunset.” Coincidence? I hate the Lana song because they used it in Gatsby to be about Daisy who is a HUGE twat. Also Kanye had it played when he proposed to Kim, insert monkey covering mouth to hold in vomit emoji. Long story short I’m not in love with this one. 

Honorable mention lyric: “Hes so tall and handsome as hell Hes so bad but he does it so well” Is this a song lyric or directly copied from the “what you’re looking for” section on my OkCupid profile? HEYYOO.

10. How You Get The Girl: Cin always taught me if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. As you very well know I’ve never followed that rule a day in my life. I physically cannot say nice things about this song. I feel dumber after listening to it. I guess the one nice thing I can say is that the chorus SOUNDS catchy. I like how it’s sung, but the lyrics read like an advice column for Tiger Beat.

Honorable mention lyric: “With pictures in frames of kisses on cheeks” Lawls. So Innocent.

11. This Love: I can’t quite place what song the “oh oh oh’s” make me think of but it is certainly an old song that now lives on classic rock radio stations. I think I like this song for a slower change of pace from the rest of the album but again the chorus lyrics aren’t great. This love is good, this love is bad” WHICH ONE IS IT TAY? MAKE UP YOUR G-D MIND. Solid for a power ballad post break up I guess though.

Honorable mention lyric: “When you’re young you just run But you come back to what you need” All the wisdom.

12. I Know Places*: It might be the emo side of me that liked the Ashlee Simpson Show (and youtubed clips from it the other night, 10 years later)  but I’m starting to love this song. It makes me want to write in my journal and dye my hair black. Just kitten, black isn’t my color.  I can picture the music video for this being in the woods at night and involving her cats. Nailed it. Call me a visionary. Plus MARIST RED FOXES (insert Red Fox Rumble).

Honorable mention lyric: “Loose lips sink ships all the damn time Not this time.” ALL THE DAMN TIME.

13. Clean: I think this is probably the only song on this album that reminds me of something she’s done before. It has a similar sound to something from the Speak Now era. I like it but it’s nothing special for me. I like that it’s simple and not being overpowered by synths or mid-song talking. It’s CLEAN. Get it?! HA.HA. All jokes aside, is she comparing dating Harry to being an alcoholic? Little dramats don’t we think? Not the finish to the album that I would’ve pictured but then again let’s take a walk down memory lane to Red’s Begin Again ending. Wooooooof. So it’s probably better than that.

Honorable mention lyric: “You’re still all over me like a wine-stained dress I can’t wear anymore” I think we can ALL picture this, amirite? Wine stains? No? Just me?

If you also impulse bought the deluxe edition here are the bonus songs:

13. Wonderland*: This song is banging. It’s Princess fairytale Taylor in Wonderland meets carnival announcer. I mean this of course in the best possible way. The first time you hear her crazy “wonderrrlaaaaaaaaahhhnnnddd” voice you’ll know what i mean. Bonus points for cheshire cat reference.
Honorable Mention Lyric: “And in the end in wonderland we both went mad.” Mostly for her creepy delivery of “mad”.
 
 
14. You Are In Love: Supposedly this is Lena Dunham’s wedding song. Knowing that before hearing it made me want it to be the most romantic song ever. I guess it’s more of a modern romantic song, but I actually laughed out loud imaging two people dance act this out as the first dance of their wedding. It just made me think of mimes. I can’t explain the weird places my mind just went to. This song is alright but as far as love songs go I’ll stick with Thinking Out Loud for this year.
Honorable Mention Lyric: “You two are dancing in a snowglobe round and round.” Snowglobe dancing. WOULDN’T THAT BE AWESOME?! (None of this made sense. Pls disregard)
 
 
15. New Romantics*: Lovin the modern sound of this song so hard. It’s the female “Safe and Sound” except the lyrics are a lovely romanticized version of post grad problems. A young professionals (I use that term quite loosely) anthem, if you will. I can get down with it for sure. This probably should’ve closed the actual album instead of the bonus tracks if we’re being honest..and we ARE being honest.
Honorable Mention Lyric: “Honey life is just a classroom” PREACH. “We are too busy dancing To get knocked off our feet”
 
 
Summary: T’s goal with 1989 was to sound completely different. It was her first fully declared pop album (we’ll all just slyly ignore that Red was 110% pop, but apparently not actually, you know, because Stay, Stay, Stay) Anywho. Goal achieved Tay. This album is all sorts of different. Respect. There are certainly some great jams, but as a whole it’s an album that I cannot listen to on repeat every day. What I’m getting at here is that this album is not Red. Red is her crowned jewel and I will never get sick of it. It gives me all the feels and I refuse to apologize for that.
 
IMG_3317

October 2023 Edit: It just so happens that Tay re-released her version of 1989 on the same date, which also happens to be the much celebrated (in this household exclusively) birthday of The Salty Ju. Per her tradition of including a bunch of never-before-heard tracks “from the vault” like she’s Walt F’ing Disney, I’ve decided to review them. As we can clearly see in the lavender text above, my style of kneejerk reactions and unfiltered commentary to songs hasn’t changed and it’s what really makes going back and reading my old blogs extra cringeworthy. So here we go, a much older and probs not wiser Ju to break down the newest 1989 bops.

Slut! Taylor is ALSO older and perhaps wiser and therefore it seemed a little gauche (she taught me that word) to name a song after a very anti-feminist slander. Everyone reasoned that this must be some sort of statement or art because obviously she’s not going to be dropping a song in the year of our Lord 2023 slut-shaming. Well joke’s on you because she sang about how it’d be worth it for once to be called a slut for this particular man friend. #FEMINISM. Love it. The ole “well they’re going to call me a slut anyway so at least this time I’m getting that good D for it.” Is what I assume she means here. GET IT GUUUURLLL. I don’t hate this song but I didn’t immediately love it either. It was basically a dreamy little F-U to the press for being judgey as hell anytime she so much as sniffed at a guy, which would’ve been edgy at the time but now it’s like seeking closure with an ex after they married someone else. Too little, too late, girlie.

Best Lyric: Got love-struck, went straight to my head / Got lovesick all over my bed

Say Don’t Go. Shaky start but the chorus got me jammin out for sure. The shouting of “say don’t go” back to herself in a little call and response? Chef’s kiss. Don’t know why that did it for me but I was all in on it. Also because if I wasn’t getting amped on the chorus I would’ve gotten a little sad from the lyrics of this song. WHY’D YOU LEAD HER ON, YOU DIRTBAG?! Her fake boyfriend Travis Kelce WOULD NEVER.

Best Lyric: And I’m yours, but you’re not mine

Now That We Don’t Talk. The second this song started I knew it was my favorite of the bonus tracks and will be heavily rotated for the rest of fall until I forget about it because she has a catalog of 19 million songs at this point and honestly it’s just hard to keep up. But anyway, sassy lyrics and a sick beat are a quick way to my heart. Rewinding back in time to 2013/2014 when these songs were written, we can conclude that they were about Harry Styles. Why? Because between yachts and long hair and flights home alone, these lyrics are dripping with Harry references. I love when I don’t have to dig for clues and easter eggs and she literally just shoves ex-boyfriend deets right in our grillpieces. Whether it’s about Harry or the 17-year-old Kennedy she dated for 1 second, I think we can all agree going from talking to a person all day every day to cold turkey no communication is hard as hell. So, sometimes it’s nice to remember that not talking also means you don’t have to pretend to be interested in their stupid little lives anymore and WE ARE BETTER OFF!

Best Lyric: Remind myself the more I gave, you’d want me less

Suburban Legends. A tall tale of high school sweethearts going their separate ways to make names for themselves and WoMp WoMPpPpp they don’t end up finding their way back to each other in the end. Look I loved folklore and that was like 90% made up stories but I’ve gotta RELATE to it, ya know? The best songs hit home for me and this just isn’t speaking to me in that way. Doesn’t mean it’s bad…just means I wasn’t born to be a suburban legend. In fact, if I went to my high school reunion they’d be like new phone, who dis?

Best Lyric: And you kiss me in a way that’s gonna screw me up forever

Is It Over Now? DING DING DING, here’s the runner up to my favorite 1989 vault track! I guess you could say I’m in my ‘men are trash’ era because I picked the two sassy breakup songs and folks, it ain’t a coincidence that my bitter single heart has resonated most with these numbers. (Quick reminder that my two favorite vault tracks from Red were the 10 min version for obvious reasons and I Bet You Think About Me. I’m a SLUT! for a scorned lover song.) Special shout out to the screams at the top of this song that sound somewhat like a bird being murdered in a forest and woke my dog from a dead slumber so she could lift her head and give me a look like, really bitch? And then I obviously gave her a look back that said I pay the bills and feed you and just cleaned up your diarrhea for the 100th time this week, I’ll jam out to Taylor Swift anytime I please THANK YOU! But also, Charlee’s got a point we didn’t need this screech to continue in the background for the entirety of the song. The way she sings “oh, lord” makes up for that though. Sorta. And not for nothing, lots of Harry hate in this song and I can’t help but point out that when Jake was being dragged again everyone was like LET’S HANG HIM IN PUBLIC and now it’s Harry’s turn again and not a peep because Harry’s a superstar now and makes weird 70’s music that everyone’s obsessed with and I CALL BULLSHIT. PETITION TO HATE ALL OF TAYLOR’S EXES EQUALLY.

Best Lyric: You dream of my mouth before it called you a lying traitor. (What a sick burn.)

I’ve grown to like 1989 I think more than I did initially. Also, not for nothing, it’s the album that birthed Blank Space which is a top five Tay song. I also correlate 1989 with my move to Boston, which was an exciting time for me even though living in a city turned out much like most of my adult life, a giant disappointment. BUT it was fun to be young and single and skinny wearing crop coordinates just like Tay! And I’ll say these vault tracks are strong. Not as strong as Red’s but honestly what could compare to that beast of an album and all of the surprise content that came afterward. So I’ll continue to groove to the old classics and mix it up with these new ones now that I’ve actually had a real relationship unlike 9 years ago and therefore can sing with the true drama of someone who has actually been through it. What an accomplishment to be proud of.

Standard