Tag Archives: Jessica Simpson

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/7/2020

1. The Year of Taylor.

I mean, I’m not just going to sit back and not yap my face off about Taylor coming in from the CLOUDS and dropping another whole ass album in our laps not even six months after surprising us with folklore. WHAT A MOVE and to get it in RIGHT before the buzzer at the end of the year. Wild. Obviously I was in a tailspin yesterday as I discovered the news and not to brag but I did have my hair in braids at the time so there’s obviously no further proof needed that I was ready for more woodsy in your feels songs. I’m still not over folklore, I still play it several times a week. Spotify gently reminded me how much I’ve played it over the past few months with my year end wrapped…I’m surprised it wasn’t followed up with an email from them asking if I’ll be ok. To which I would say, No I obviously will not. BECAUSE NOW WE’RE GETTING AN ENTIRE OTHER SOBFEST. I also love that Taylor tried to disguise it as a birthday present to us all.

Hey everyone, thanks for buying all of my overpriced merch and going out of your way to get my folklore cd that took an entire month to ship because of covid or whatever, I’d like to give you the birthday present of buying more of my overpriced merch and again going out of your way to buy a cd that may never arrive. If you do, you’ll be rewarded with bonus tracks that you can’t hear anywhere else. SUCHHHHHHH a boss move to be like it’s a gift, cough up your money tho. And you know what, I think I’ll stick to Spotify free listening this time around until I can buy a moderately priced physical cd in person at Target. If I may borrow a song title off of evermore, ‘Tis the Damn Season for me to be broke as a joke buying holiday gifts. HOWEVER should anyone want to gift me with literally anything from the Taylor Swift store, I welcome it with open arms. Anyway, back to the big debut. Obviously I now have my weekend work cut out for me as I’ll need to recap a track by track, which I’ll be publishing on Monday if all goes well. But I did want to at least give you my instant thoughts about the Willow music video, which I stayed up past my bedtime to watch. I also may have been a wee bit overserved, but here we go.

My raw, unadulterated thoughts (remember I watched it AT midnight after a wine and pasta filled evening.):

Starts with that G-D cardigan and a magic piano transforming her into a magical forest. I WANT THAT CARDIGAN. (still obviously holding onto a lot of resentment for all of the influencers and famous friends who were sent cardigans and my mailbox didn’t see a whisper.) WHY ARE WE SUDDENLY WATCHING KIDS.

(I literally started a new paragraph because after being outraged by kids I wanted to move onto the bigger topic at hand) She is literally in a one room school house. Please come back to 2020, Taylor. The 1800’s don’t want you or those bangs. I honestly couldn’t even focus on Willow as a song because I couldn’t get past Taylor as an early English settler creating witch hexes with the original Sanderson Sisters. Let’s relax on fully embracing the fairy in the woods vibe for one hot second, plz. Also the bangs have to go. Double also, that last shot of her in that dress, she IS Grandpa Joe from Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory. We’ve gone too far. Way too far. I mean, spot the difference. You can’t.

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So that’s where we’re at. Stay tuned to see my thoughts on the whole damn thing come next week. In the meantime, refresh yourself with Folklore in preparation.

2. Open Book, TV Style.

For avid readers of The Salty Ju, you’ll know that I was a hardcore Nick & Jessica should reunite believer RIGHT UP UNTIL I read her memoir Open Book this year and then re-watched Newlyweds from Jess’s perspective and saw that Nick pretty much hated her stinkin guts and was constantly a dick to her. What I once thought was an adorable teen popstar relashe unfolding on MTV full of healthy jabs was actually toxic as hell. Eye opening moment for me in pop culture history. I loved all the juicy goss she dished in her book of BTS deets of each of her very public relationships and to hear that they’re extending this book into a TV show is music to my ears. And even better, it’s on a paid service that I will not have to sign up for in order to watch (lookin’ at you peacock tv for forcing my sister and I to do a free trial just to watch the trainwreck Saved by the Bell reboot.) I’m fully team Jess and I support her return to the entertainment industry especially because she’s coming back with her story and not hawking a dating show where people get married without ever seeing each other. I’m of course referring to dirt Nick Lachey, OBVIOUSLY. (Only people who watched Love is Blind will get that diss and I’m ok with it.)

3. OH NO KHRISTMAS IS KANCELLED.

Breaking news this week, that I read aloud to my friends in my best Khloe Kardashian voice when I saw the headline. Khristmas is Kancelled due to COVID and it’s the first time SINCE 1978. HOW WILL WE EVEN SURVIVE?! Honestly I was reeling from the news. Life just is NOT fair, ya know? And then I remembered that this family who is HEROICALLY cancelling their biggest attention-grabbing event of the year, also are telling us that taking this pandemic seriously IS A MUST. And honestly, we need to listen to them, y’all. No more flying all of your closest friends and family out to an island for a lavish weekend for your 40th birthday. It’s time to REALLY buckle down and PUT OUR HEALTH AND SAFETY FIRST. The Kardashians are a voice of reason and I’m just honestly so in awe of their bravery and leadership. Also, remember when they cancelled their reality show on E? Yeah they’ll be back up with a deal on Hulu in 2021. So let’s all keep our fingers krossed that we won’t miss ONE second of their lives. Prayer hands. Kiss Face. Eye Roll.

4. But I come back stronger than a 90’s trend.

Britney Spears (#FreeBritney) and Backstreet Boys dropped their first ever collaboration in 2020. Cause why the hell not at this point? What I’d like to see is Justin Timberlake’s reaction to this. HE MUST BE ROLLING IN HIS GRAVE. Oh, he’s still alive? WHERE HAS HE BEEN WITH THE NEW MUSIC THEN? Like, Man of the Woods was a lifetime ago. I don’t care if you’re a new dad, Britney and BSB are collaborating in lockdown–with Britney quite possibly being still controlled by her dad as a grown ass adult and Taylor Swift just dropped back to back records like she’s 2005 Nelly dropping Sweat and Suit on TRL. Jus sayin. Get your shit together, JT. Anyway, back to this unholy collab because honestly what a slap in the face to N*SYNC who Britney was smoochin with in the 90’s, literally and musically. This song kinda sucks but for nostalgia sake, I’m down with it.

5. I still L-O-V-E a good music video.

Dierks tossed this video out this week. I already loved the song and then I saw that he played all these different pop culture roles as part of the video and I settled in to watch. I was over at a friend’s house this week and we showed her sister the WAP video because she’s never seen it and rite of passage obviously to let your eyes bleed out to that catastrophe, which then spiraled into us just sitting there watching music videos on Youtube like I was a senior in high school again and it was a Friday night. I know, I was UNBELIEVABLY cool and popular. Either way, we all talked about how we’ve always enjoyed watching music videos even though it’s very much not a beloved thing anymore. Kinda like owning DVD’s. We old. And I still love the art of a good music video, which is why I’ve highlighted two this week. One that I shit on and one that I like. I’m into the idea here and obviously you know that any music video with references to Full House–the classic, not that bubblegum trash they trotted out on Netflix recently–is a W in my book. Well done, Dierks.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/6/2020

1. JT World Tour. 

Just because shit isn’t taping at a studio, doesn’t mean we are spared press tours. JT is the latest to be making the rounds hawking Trolls World Tour–which is one of the first movies to go right to streaming rental, bypassing the movie theaters. (Whole other argument, but we shouldn’t be forced to pay $20 to watch a movie at home. Reserve that bend over pricing for seats that somewhat recline, a 50 ft movie screen and movie theater popcorn that is so buttery your hands are legit greased over. If that’s not the environment I’m viewing the movie in, I will pay no more than 0 dollars. Tysm.) ANYWAY, JT is all over the damn place this week. Kickin it with J.Fall for bro hour on the Tonight Show, dropping new music videos, doing radio interviews and he even made an appearance on Hot Wings, the YouTube show where celebrities eat spicy wings and try not to immediately have explosive hot diarrhea tear out of their butthole while they answer questions about their life. I would embed that video here but it was 30 minutes of JT saying the wings were hot and he was going to need a toilet later. So really, I’m sparing y’all. As a very public JT fangirl, I can be completely honest with you and say that quarantine press does not agree with him. I got excited to see his bits with Jimmy because they always make me giggle and want to be a part of their BFF inside jokes but this Quarantine remix and the interview that followed were not up to par for my entertainment. The hardest I laughed in the interview was when Jimmy did finger guns because JT razzes him real hard on that but otherwise I was really rooting for them to be funnier or just do another History of Rap or something. I guess their bits only work in person.

So I was already feeling let down by that, then I’m cruising through People.com, business as usual and I stumble upon this headline:

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And I got ALL SORTS OF FIRED UP. There is not a CHANCE that these two attention whores are also full-on parents without hired help. Kids need the MOST attention in the world and Silas has an actress mom and a singer/actor/comedian dad. NO WAY ARE THESE TWO 24-HOUR PARENTING. They have AT LEAST two nannies and I will not hear anything otherwise. They’re quarantined in one of their homes in Montana, so they’re out in the middle of nowhere and if there’s one thing that I know for SURE about celebrities, when they vacation or isolate themselves, they bring the whole G-D paid staff with them. Chefs, maids, nannies, what have you. Do not for a second bitch about how hard parenting is when you’re rich AF and probably just kick it with your son when your schedule allows. I’m just now realizing that I might still harbor some bitter resentments about JT publicly cheating on Jess in December and it’s all coming out now that he’s doing media again. I apologize for not working through these issues sooner, but JT you’re in timeout for a little while. Drop a new heater (not Trolls-related) and we’ll talk about getting back in my good graces. This also seems like an ideal time to remind everyone that when he cheated, my ex-boyf’s mom texted me to gossip about it and she told me I’m prettier than Jessica Biel and I will sing that from the rooftops until they put me in the ground. Never forget.

2. I Need Jessica Simpson Confidence.

Jessica Simpson posted this compare/contrast for giggles and my immediate thought was that it takes the most confident woman in the world to post a Rolling Stone Cover from her early 20’s where her body is in peak condish, she’s tanned, toned and professionally made up next to THAT. Sometimes I take ugly selfies on snapchat where I clearly don’t have makeup on and my hair is greasy or there’s a zit on my face and send it discreetly to my mom or my sister for a little “lol I’ll die alone because I’m hideous” but Jessica Simpson was like IDGAF and put one of those pics out to her 5.3 million followers next to the magazine cover that basically caused her divorce. Jk, it wasn’t the magazine cover SPECIFICALLY, it was mostly that Nick is a far less talented loser living in her shadow and being v. jelly about it for their entire marriage. I can say these things because I read Open Book and rewatched the entire series of Newlyweds, so basically not only are Jess and I best friends, but I know everything there is to know about her life. Highly recommend reading her book if you enjoy shooting celebrity gossip straight into your veins like I do. You have to get through a LOT of Jesus talk to get there, but trust me, it’s worth it. It also allowed me to watch Newlyweds with a whole new filter and realize that it’s finally time to stop shipping a Nick and Jess reunion and calling them the perfect couple because they really did not like each other and Nick was a reeealll douche. He’s the host of Love is Blind now, so obviously all is well with him. No hard feelzies. (But Team Jess for Lyfe.)

3. Full House Forever.

The show that will never go quietly into the night (don’t even get me started on Fuller House and what a horrifically campy show that comeback turned out to be) decided to lean into TikTok and create their own updated opening credits. The show may never die, but Aunt Becky SURELY did because they kicked her RIGHT out of the family. Don’t care if you’re not in jail yet, Lori, the cast can’t have you dragging down their TikTok views with bad pub. Interesting spin that Becky’s out, but Jeff Franklin is in when he caught a little bit of #MeToo flack recently for inapprops behavior. SEXISM. Either way, 10/10 for Mr. T’s bit. This is really his time to shine.

4. 9021-No.

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Watch this video. Nuff said. @torispelling

A post shared by Dean McDermott (@imdeanmcdermott) on

Yaknow I love 90210 and I love razzin on your girl Tori Spelling who will publicly do ANYTHING to make money, but she’s getting a little blowback for that right now and I couldn’t stop myself from soaking it in. Her husb and known sex addict Dean is a little rough and tumble and definitely doesn’t do much to bring home the bacon, but he does love to spout off on social media to defend his wife and kids. This time T is getting shit on not for feeding her kids too much, but for charging fans $95 for a virtual meet and greet. Look, I get both sides here. As someone who is extremely unemployed, I want to punch everyone whose preaching to make donations and support local businesses and spend all this money right now that I most certainly don’t have. Yet, I’ve also gotten very comfy with my favorite singers putting out free weekly concerts on instagram and all of the paid subscriptions releasing shows and movies that I was too poor to watch before and stores begging me to buy their clothes with 70% off sales every day. I’m not quite sure how to exist in a world where I fork over $95 to Zoom with Tori Spelling and take a screenshot of us not physically together. HOWEVER, Tori Spelling is out here just hustlin’ and I gotta respect that. She’s hearing about Bachelor contestants–NOT WINNERS–*CONTESTANTS* charging people on Cameo to send them video messages and she’s like I’m DONNA F*ING MARTIN. I’m not gonna let these reality stars show me up! I’m worth more than a $10 cameo. I’m Aaron Spelling’s daughter! And for that, I also agree. Also, she has to support her loser hubz and his repeated sex addiction rehab, I’m guessing. So everyone CTFD and let the idiot 90210 superfans fork over a hundo to videochat with Donna Martin. I’ll even consider it if she throws in a David Silver appearance. Just kidding, I won’t. I added a pair of overalls to my cart yesterday then saw that an additional discount didn’t apply and concluded that $30 was still too much to pay. So, $95 for a conference call is downright outrageous.

5. Quaran-Tunes

Lotsa time to drop some new beats. Jesse McCartney showing us why he’s still the swoonster heartthrob (vocals only, that outfit he’s wearing is all sorts of atrocious.) John Mayer has been flexing all over lately, doing a Zoom with SUNY Oneonta, making up new songs on his Insta show and now teaming up with Leon for a smooooove Quarantine original. Selena wanted everyone to know that the timing is unfortunate for her release of this song (marketing rules the world, tho) as the last thing on her mind during this pandemic is finding a boyfriend…and yet….here we are. Turns out she’ll settle for some frogs instead. And last but certainly not least–my favorite of the bunch, an ULTIMATE mashup of LUDAAAAA, Lil Jon & Ursher baybay, reminding us that they like to penetrate mad ladiezz. HOARD. God I needed Ludacris back in my life and what a treat this disgusting song is to my ears. Give me a few listens and I’ll have Luda’s part down pat. Will report back.

BONUS: THIS DANCER IS GONNA DANCE.

I will continue to broadcast my budding dance career because if anything good can come from this pandemic, it better be some rhythm for ya gurl. I have forever wanted to be a dancer and yet being able to move to a beat and remember choreography are key components that I’m sorely lacking. Now that I have all the time in the world and a newfound obsession with TikTok, I’m determined to make this my time to shine. I failed at Darryn’s Dance Grooves, I used my Dancing with the Stars DVD that I got for my 18th birthday exactly one time and thought it would be appropriate to wear heels and a flowy skirt for what I now know was just a workout video and I didn’t make the Radio Disney Dance Team because during tryouts I fudged up the choreo and had dead face. But all of that will not be in vain. I will hit a beat and make ONE TikTok dance video that slaps harder than the youths. After practicing this one for two hours, getting the yips on the last 10 takes and still noticing we were off-beat from the very first dab…this will not be that video. BUT I WILL KEEP TRYING. STAY TUNED. I AM GOING TO BE A DANCER.

Inspiration:

 

Reality:

PS Shoutout to my main squeeze, my Leopard Saved By The Bell Twinnie who was over this about 20 minutes into it (although may it be known she was the one who suggested it) because there’s no one else I’d rather have as my dance partner. Also, it really helps that you’re equally as bad at dancing so we really balance each other out. Looking forward to smashing through a few more foreign dance crew Step Up knock-offs on Netflix and learning some new mooves!

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Playlist

Millennial Gurl Pop Anthems

It’s been far too long since I’ve made a random playlist, told you to listen to it and written something relating back to myself about each song. I bet you missed it. Don’t lie. Recently I’ve been diving back into the world of 2000’s she-pop music. It all started with JLo and Shakira rocking the halftime show, then Jessica Simpson was like hey y’all I’ve been an alcoholic for my entire life and I wrote a book about it and I was like welp guess I need to start rotating her hits again and it spiraled into a 7 hour playlist of every girl pop song I grooved to from ages 11-19–basically these ladies raised me and I wanted to reminisce on those times. SO NOW YOU GET TO AS WELL! (Guys too. Don’t even for a second pretend you didn’t have these songs in heavy rotation.) To show just how dedicated I am, I busted out the ole CD’s to get into the song selecting mood and also feel like it’s 2005.

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A timely drop for Valentine’s Day because these ladies either sang about being in love or telling their boo to kick rocks so there’s something in here for everyone on this year’s VDay. ENJOY.

1. With You – Jessica Simpson. This was peak Newlyweds (how I’d like to memorialize each of them forever in my memory) and when Jess really started to lean into being a real dum dum. The song was basically about being yourself in a relationship and the video featured all of the things she was directly razzed about from their reality show. Calling a Platypus “plat-amuh-pus”, chicken or tuna, buffalo wings, her boobs getting in the way when she golfed, how she hated cleaning and was a real dirtbag to live with. It’s everything we love about Jess and what made her relatable and WHY THAT SHOW SHOULD STILL BE AIRING TODAY. Rest in Peace, Nick & Jess, Newlyweds Era.

2. So What – P!nk. Ah, another classic music video that tells the exact opposite story as the one before. Pink even references ya girl Jessica Simp in this song–GrL PoWeR! I’ve always had a soft spot for this song because of the story behind it. Pink was known as the badass B who didn’t fit in with the rest of the pop princesses but she was cool as hell with it and then she was dating Carey Hart who was like Bad Boy personified in his motocross lyfe. But then they broke up and she wrote this song and was like whatevs I’m still famous so we’ll be alright. PLOT TWIST THOUGH, she’s actually a softie and when she went to make this video she reached back out to Carey for the first time since they’d broken up and asked if he would be in the video AND HEARTS FLUTTER EVERYWHERE because him appearing in this video led to their reunion. What a great love story. She yells at him in her music video and he’s like k let’s get back togets and now they’ve been married for 13 years. Since I’ve always been a music video nerd I remember watching a behind the scenes (probably on TRL) where Pink was so nervous to have him onset that she had to get a little buzz on and LOOK AT THEM NOW. Also, goes without saying this song bangs.

3. No One – Alicia Keys. Taking it doooooown a notch with the soulful Alicia Keys. Nowadays you can find Alicia using her calm zen voice and piano playin talents to host the Grammy’s but honestly nothing has really changed about her. She wails on the keys and makes you want to close your eyes, bop your head and try to hit the highest of notes. Which obviously, I can. In my car–solo concert style.

4. Behind These Hazel Eyes – Kelly Clarkson. Kelly is queen of the breakup tell-off because that’s basically all she released for her first few albums that I listened to on repeat and just felt so UNDERSTOOD. Justin Guarini must’ve done a real number on her, that curly headed f*ck. This is one of her best numbers to scream sing to and I highly encourage that you do so. HERE I AM ONCE AGAIN just hits harder if you’re screaming at the top of your lungs.

5. If You Had My Love – Jennifer Lopez. Obviously I just did a whole blog dedicated to JLo’s hits and what I wanted her to perform at the super bowl–she performed 4 of those songs so shout out to JLo for reading my blog and being a woman of the people. Regardless, I’m not going to yap about the same songs here because that would just be redundant for my avid Salty Ju followers. Also, I could’ve picked any Jenny song and it would be a homerun. This particular tune is Jenny telling her mans how it’s gotta be because she’s not about to date a sleazeball. Ironically, the video (yes I’m going to reference basically every music video because this was the music video era and they all delivered the drama) is just a creepy guy sitting on his couch watching JLo dance around her house on his computer, watchmewatchu style. Yoikes not a turn I was expecting the song to make when she’s telling you to not mess this up, installing cameras in her house and peeping on her from afar is probably the quickest way to do that, sir.

6. Everything – FeFe Dobson. My homie FeFe wasn’t necessarily a heavy-hitter in the pop world like your Britney’s and your Mandy’s, but she holds a special place in my heart for when I was going through my punk pop phase and therefore I felt the need to give her a shout even though she pretty much disappeared after one album. If you look her up now, she’s apparently still making music but her instagram scared me, honestly and she’s married to a guy whose aesthetic is tattooed alternative cowboy rapper, so I’m out on that. Let’s just focus on the time period when she turned “do do dooooo” into actual lyrics.

7. Cry – Mandy Moore. I guess Mandy Moore does her best work when soundtracking a movie because I was deciding between Center Stage Mandy or A Walk to Remember Mandy for her feature on this playlist. Both wildly different stories and wouldn’t you know I went with the depressing one. Tearjerker classic A Walk to Remember was on TV a few weeks ago and I find myself equal parts ashamed and proud to admit that I could still recite the dialogue out loud word for word. Mostly because there will never be a more cringeworthy exchange than having a guy say I’m going to kiss you and replying “I might be bad at it.” Oh Jamie, you kiss virgin nerd bomber. Thank you for making me feel better as I laugh at you on my couch very much unemployed watching a 17 year old movie in the middle of a weekday. Either way, when Landon stares out at the water in the end SPOILER ALERT and says our love is like the wind, I can’t see it but I can feel it and you hear Mandy begin “I’ll always remember”, that’s a surefire way to have a single tear roll down your cheek. Thank you, Mandy.

8. Whenever, Wherever – Shakira. Even though I boo’ed the TV when Shakira came on first at the super bowl halftime show and I shouted DID JLO CALL IN SICK?! I still love Shakira. I just love JLo more and wanted a full JLo-Bowl with no interruptions. And I think that’s ok. I love Shakira but not like half-time show sort of love. I can still appreciate dem hips and self awareness for small boobs. Shaki paved the way for body confidence noting that it was lucky her breasts are small so they’re not confused with mountains. And you know what, same gurl. I’d never want someone to think my rack is the Alps cause that would be weird as hell.

9. Complicated – Avril Lavigne. You’ll notice that I’ve sprinkled in a few punk pop galz because at the end of the day, no matter how badass they tried to seem, anyone who tried to call themselves punk in the 2000’s were really just popstars who wore more eyeliner. Avril gave us the gift of incorporating a sassy uh-huh into a song and for that we should forever be grateful. But seriously, why ya gotta make things so complicated? Just chill the hell out. AND TELLLLLLLLL MEEEEEEEEE.

10. Hollaback Girl – Gwen Stefani. Ah, this brings me back to my 8th grade school trip to Cleveland (because Cleveland counts as a vacation destination when you grow up in Syracuse) and all my rich friends who had their first iPods bumped this beat on the 6 hour bus ride so we could all flirt by sharing earbuds and spelling bananas. CLASSIC. Also the DJ at Turning Stone popped this off a couple of weekends ago and several adults lost their shit so it’s a timeless jam that I can confirm we ladies still stomp our feet like this to. CAUSE WE AIN’T NO HUSSY HOLLABACK GUUUUUUUUURLZ. (Also lolz to the time period when Gwen only hung out with a Japanese posse called her Harajuku girls. What a time to be alive.)

11. Irreplaceable – Beyoncé. I could’ve included a Bey club beat here, but my heart told me to slow it down and sass it up with this one. This was Thank U, Next before Ariana was just a twinkle in her dirtbag father’s eye. With just one dubz finger pointing movement, Queen B told her man to take everything he own in a box to the left and get the hell out of her house. Before there was Becky with the good hair or BOY BYE, there was TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT and I think that’s an important lesson to remember. No matter what age Beyoncé is, she’ll always remind you that she’s a strong goddess and you ain’t shit without her.

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12. Boyfriend – Ashlee Simpson. We couldn’t shout out Jess without Ash, otherwise Ash would get all emo again and be like I’M LIVIN IN THE SHADOW, OF SOMEONE ELSE’S DREAM. Wah, wah, wah. This bop is less I’m jelly of my sister for being more famous, and more shut your face because I didn’t steal your boyf and isn’t that just so much more fun?! Makes ya wanna hop around and shake ya boyfriend-less booty.

13. Beautiful – Christina Aguilera. I’ve been having a real soft spot for the lady slow jamz on this mix. Sometimes you just wanna belt out and be in your feels and nothing puts you in your feels more than whispering “don’t look at me” before singing about how beautiful you are, probably in the mirror after a few hundred glasses of wine. Judge me, I don’t care. WORDS CAN’T BRING ME DOWN.

14. Come Clean – Hilary Duff. I can’t have an anthem playlist without the anthem for rich high school idiots who live near a beach. Just kidding, disassociate this song from Laguna because it’s a heater all on its own and has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with 16 year olds who spring break in Cabo. There’s no nostalgia quite like hearing the beginning weird whistle sounds of this song and knowing that you’re about to let that rain fall down.

15. Lucky – Britney Spears. Brit has had an entire career pre and post shaved head breakdown of smash hits and yet none of them are on the same playing field as Lucky. Lucky is the one song that unites us all. It’s so incredibly stupid and yet it’s the best storytelling song out there, complete with actual knocks on the door. If you don’t act this song out start to finish–beginning with a dramatic AF “this is the story about a girl named Lucky” then I don’t even want to know you as a person.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of January 24, 2020

Your favorite feature is back because everyone’s just blabbing their faces off in Hollywood this week and I am EATING IT UP. Also I don’t have a job, so like what else would I be doing with my days?

1. Jessica Simpson TELL – ALL.

Open Book by Jessica Simpson CR: HarperCollins

I’ve never hidden the fact that I was a Newlyweds SUPER-fan, like to the point where I would youtube old episodes in college and pray for Jess & Nick to reunite. I just felt like they were destined to be together, yanno? Well, they weren’t. And my naive little pop culture heart just wanted my two favorite hottie pop stars to talk about chickeny tuna forever instead of realizing that they met when they were teenagers and got married at 22 and that’s a straight recipe for disaster. Anyway, that’s not the point of this blurb–the point is that Jess released a tell-all book that has been DOMINATING the headlines this week. There were some tidbits about her marriage to Nick and her time with John Mayer sexual napalm bad boy of Hollywood but the biggest bombshell is that she was a closet addict for like A LOT of years. Through her entire career up until 2017 basically and HOW DID WE NOT KNOW?! Jess reveals that she was sexually abused as a child and that’s partially why she coped with alcohol and pills…it also didn’t help that we were calling her a heffer every single day that she didn’t look like she did in her Daisy Dukes prime. Yoikes. That’s on us, Jess. Sorry bout that one. But also let’s circle back to John Mayer and how he has the WORST rep with the ladies. There’s the ever popular Dear John about him taking advantage of Taylor Swift, and now there’s Jessica Simpson talking about how she felt like she needed to have all eyes on her texts, checking for grammar errors to be smart enough to bang J.May. Also, she literally says he was obsessed with her. Well-played, Jess. Maybe we’ll get another Continuum out of him from this.

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2. Taylor Swift SHOW – ALL.

Countdown begins until I park myself in front of the TV on January 31st and don’t blink for two hours soaking in every detail that Taylor is willing to divulge to me. The biggest tidbits to come from this so far after the trailer was dropped this week is that Taylor’s mom has a brain tumor and Taylor once had an eating disorder from pap photos pointing out her stomach. That stuff is sad and all but did YOU SEE TAYLOR DROP AN F BOMB IN THIS TRAILER?! LET’S F**KING GOOOOOOOOOOO. She’s taking her damn life back and “it feels fucking awesome.” YAASSS KWEEEEENNNNNNN. Ok but seriously though y’all already know that I drool at everything Taylor Swift does and real talk I just want to know everything about her life EXCEPT politics. If this documentary is heavy on the political talk, I’m out. Fingers crossed we just get some good ole fashioned gossip and not a lecture on voting. Also, No:

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3. Car-pull Karaoke.

carpoolkaraoke

So this is a thing everyone is outraged over this week and I’m baffled as to why. Are we really that dumb as a group of people? Don’t answer that. A fan saw James Corden filming Carpool Karaoke and took a picture and outed him for not actually driving the car and the world went BUH-NAN-UHS. They feel shocked and cheated and lied to and HOW DID YOU IDIOTS THINK THIS WAS FILMED? There’s like several cameras and angles and they have to be set up in the windshield to get the whole car ALSO this segment is purely for entertainment and he’s focused on dancing and singing and talking to these passengers HOW DO YOU EXPECT HIM TO ALSO NAVIGATE LA TRAFFIC? My God you’re all morons. There’s literally times where the car is moving and James has no hands on the wheel and is looking fully at the star in the front seat. Did y’all really think he was that talented of a driver? Listen, I’ll level with you, when I found out that MTV used to pull LC around LA in her BMW convertible ON THE BACK OF A TRAILER, I also was heated and felt like I had been betrayed. But then I thought about how if I try to change the song on the radio, I almost run myself off the road so it’s really asking a lot of celebrities to multi-task this much while driving and I’m ok with that. I’d rather see James and JLo text Leonardo DiCaprio about hitting the clubs than have his hands on 10 and 2 driving through town.

4. Breakup Tats.

What do you do when your 8 year relationship just ended and everyone knows about it? Get a sunflower tatted on your boob and flash it up on instaG so your ex sees that you’re doing just FINE. Tale as old as time. Women are so predictable. Either we get new hair or new ink, either way we gotta show that we’re still hot but only to the person who dumped us because no one else matters. (Meanwhile, my ex only goes on instagram to watch videos of people falling or crashing into things and I could post a boomerang of me doing jumping jacks naked and it wouldn’t even be on his radar.) So Vanessa, GET IT GURL, win the breakup for all of us singles. Three whole posts for a little tit ink. Eat your heart out, Austin.

5. The JoBros Are Crushing It.

Look, I was never a Jonas Brothers super fan and to be perfectly honest, they showed 0 personality at their concert and I was expecting a lot out of them because they do shit like this and they’re hilarious. I will give them all the props in the world though because they have CRUSHED this comeback. I feel like every day of the week they’re dropping something new or doing something zany. They’ve got funny tiktoks, they can pound beers (or Nick’s personal tequila), they drop fire flames singles and then toss out music videos banging their hot wives to accompany the jamz. Now they’ve got a residency in Vegas, I guess? THEY LITERALLY CANNOT BE STOPPED.

I mean seriously, they said they’ve got a surprise in store for their Grammys performance and I’m salivating at all of the possibilities. If it’s just having the J Sisters hooch it up and get macked on by them onstage, though, I’m out. Like enough of that. We get it, they’re hot and you love them. I’m over it. I’m not over this song though cause it slaps real hard.

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Pop Culture

Celeb-oween 2015

Celebs, they’re just like us…sometimes they have really dumb, unoriginal halloween costumes…and when they do, I point and laugh at them. I will applaud the fact that no one slipped up and did black face this year. They just might be learning!

WORST

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Haute couture skeleton @alexfaction

A post shared by Jennifer Lopez (@jlo) on

I think this would have been okay had J.Lo not taken a typical costume and called it haute couture like a bougie betch.

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👻

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I’m not sure what’s going on here, is this just a child from my nightmares?

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I think I nailed the Kim K costume! 🕸👻🕷

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What does the biggest attention whore in America dress as for Halloween? Herself, obviously.

https://instagram.com/p/9iWuc-jvKZ/?taken-by=taylorswift

I will absolutely NOT support Let it Go for one more second. Even if she does look like an adorbz little Olaf.

johnstamos

Devil’s Threesome.

peanuts today shwo

The Today Show tried to be cutesicle….

 carson willie matt

Except replicating a cartoon in real life can actually turn into a pretty scary sitch for all involved. Also OF COURSE Matt Lauer cross-dressed.

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Trump thrives off of this shit.

Tyra Banks Richard Branson

Tyra Banks as Richard Branson. Why?

kylieninja

Did Kylie even know it was Halloween? OHHHHH BURNNNN.

tbrady

Gisele and Tom Brady putting giant skeleton bobble heads on with a regular outfit is lazy and lame.

heidiklum

HEIDI KLUM MUST BE STOPPED. DO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH LESS.

kperry

Katy Perry as a mic drop. This is actually a clever idea until you have to reenact it 100 times for people to get it and then you have a concussion.

hilhil

I know Hil can do much better than a basic betch black cat.

paris

Right, so this is what warriors look like?

nickjonas

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Shirtless costumes only in the future, pls.

BEST

Anne looking pastel puuurfect as a unicorn.

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Coming to America🎃

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HOW SASSY IS BLUE THOUGH?!

The classiest woodland creatures I ever did see.

Mario Lopez’s kid is the cutest little smush and they nailed Elvis & Elvis Jr.

Allison looks EXACTLY like Belle.

Authentic shit, right down to the climbing. If Shawn was my fiance I’d climb him like a tree too.

I’m embarrassed that I went as Sandy last year because Gigi swept through this year and took a big dump on my version of bada$$ Sandra Dee.

Sophia Bush perfecting Pulp Fiction

The possibly engaged couple as polar opposites. Mesmerized by Jeets’ face as the devil.

Lebron going as Prince and taking the stage for an impromptu show seems really out of character for him.

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🦁

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Girls’ already got one hell of a mane.

Not as good as last years caveman in the flesh but still pretty great.

Hot damn! 2000’s Jess is making a comeback.

kardashsuperhero

I just wanna snatch P right up. I won’t…but I want to.

coltonhaynes

This is Colton Haynes. He doesn’t normally look like this. Respect tha hustle here for transforming into the largest and most disgusting creature in Disney villain history.

ninadobrev

Nina Dobrev bitch facing as Posh.

yonce

Don’t you ever cross Queen Bey or she’ll come at you like this.

kelly&michael1

kellyripa

Kelly Ripa’s got a knack for pop culture costumes, IMO.

michael strahan

Michael Strahan as Cookie. FIERCE.

joshduhamel

Josh Duhamel with a gap tooth.

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I’m always pro-T.Swift costume.

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GMA hosts Robin Roberts & TJ Holmes take on the Lyons.

AishaTylerYonce

Bionic hand seals the deal for Aisha Tyler

miranda

Miranda Lambert and co. as the Rockford Peaches. Where Marla Hooch at?

ellen kardashian

Ellen DeGeneres created her own character, Karla Kardashian, who is the reject of the clan and only wears hand-me-downs. Bonus points for originality although we know how I feel about drawing more attention to the Kardash fam.

therock

This seems like an approps costume for someone who naturally has gunz on gunz.

sarahyland

If you have a hot bod like Sarah Hyland it should be mandatory that you go leather bodysuit for Halloween.

jalba

Always jelly of celebs who can get their hands on legit wardrobe for pop culture costumes.

ginarodriguez

Gina Rodriguez shows off cute and cozy.

demi

YAASSSSS TRAP QUEEN.

pink

Pink looks exactly like lil Drew Barrymore.

nicolerichie

Nicole Richie doing up the Nightmare before Christmas creeperoni.

nph

NPH is the family costume magician every year.

channingjenna

His and hers cat in the hats for one of my fave couples

chrissy

Chrissy Teigen as Guy Fieri is perfect and gave her an excuse to do douchey things. I’m all for a costume that lets you get away with being a more obnoxious individual.

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