JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/13/2020

1. Another Wronged 90’s Comeback.

The much hyped SBTB reboot with the return of Slater, Jessie, Zack & Kelly as parents of Bayside’s high school students has decided to drop a morsel in our quarantined state and honestly I wish they would take it back. I’m cooped up inside because the sky can’t stop dumping snow and icy winds down upon us and now I’ve gotta watch a VERY old looking Mama remind us that the good ole days of Bayside High were 30 years ago?! Uh uh, honey. I watched this teaser twice and that was two times too many. Tale as old as time, shows that were classic and hilarious in the 90’s want to strike again with a the kids are now parents comeback and it ALWAYS blooooooows. It’s campy and cheesy and the writing is tacky and they play into the same jokes and the nostalgia is 1000% NOT there. It ruins everything. Looking at you, Fuller House and Girl Meets World. Enough is enough. I don’t want to see Zack as a dad after I got to know him as a troublemaker man-whore who once dated a girl in a wheelchair and reminded her she was disabled every 30 seconds. I don’t want to learn that Slater is still ho’ing out in his middle age and reliving the past by being a high school gym teacher who relates everything back to his own high school years. 90’s reunions can be done in a late night bit where the jokes can be inapprops and the actors are making fun of themselves and THAT’S IT. The Salty Ju has dropped the ruling. We are done with 90’s sitcom reboots.

2. Brit & JT 4eva.

If you ever want to step outside of reality, I highly recommend taking a stroll through Britney Spears insta. Girl makes some of the weirdest videos on a daily basis. Trying on clothes and doing a fashion show or “dancing” like the one above. Also, she’s serving a WHOLE lotta choker. As someone who went through this trend hard 3 years ago, I think we can all agree it’s over. Either way, this week Brit made some waves when she danced to Filthy and casj called JT a genius. “We had one of the world’s biggest breakups 20 years ago” Ho Hum. Understatement of the century. How about “we crushed matching denim separates and then I cheated on him and he wrote a bangpiece song as a result.” I’d give her more credit if she was dancing to Cry Me a River because THAT was genius. Right down to the Britney look-alike in the video. Obviously, there was no response from JT, probs because he’s still on probation with Jess.

3. The Internet is Bored.

The internet tried to call the cops on Bubbles for “abusing” his wife in the above video clip. Because yes, people who beat their wives do it on Instagram live to millions of followers. If you’ve never caught an elbow from your man are you even in a relationship? Like let’s all relax and devote our hate to cancelling the Saved by the Bell reboot instead of biting the hand that feeds you. These two have been doing a live instagram every single day to entertain their fans and the fans responded by whistleblowing some playful ‘bows. Lupey responded but it was all in Spanish so I’ll save you the google translation and let you know that she told everyone to shut the hell up and MYOB. She loves her hubs and she’s not just saying that because he got grabby with her. ALL IS WELL.

4. No More Dating Shows.

I think we can all agree that what we aren’t lacking in TV is reality dating shows. There’s 9 trillion ways to marry people off in a three week period and we certainly don’t need one more. But don’t worry, Fox read the room and decided that yes we most certainly need another.  BUT THIS ISN’T JUST ANOTHER BACHELOR. Nope absolutely not. This is The Bachelorette for olds. Anyone whose watched one second of the Bachelor franchise knows that the girls keep getting younger and younger each season, hoping to find love or even better–more instagram followers. Fox said cut the shit and decided to dig Charlotte from Sex and the City up to help a 41 year old singleton find someone to put a baby in her before the cobwebs take over her nethers and it’s no longer possible to force a human head out. Also important to note that The newest Bachelorette is also pushing 40 so clearly the execs at ABC caught wind of this new show and wanted to prove that they’re not ageist. K. If America telling women that if they’re not married and with child by 35, they’re not doing life right–putting 40 somethings in an embarrassing reality dating competition IS SO MUCH WORSE. Please make it stop. If it sounds like I’m hating everything this week, please know that I am and that I tried really hard to find worthy things to talk about and honestly there was NOT A LOT. SO deal with it.

5. Fre$h Beatz.

We may have another month of staying indoors but that hasn’t stopped singers from dropping new heaters for us to listen to and probably never see performed live again. This week brings a Demi/Sam collab with some gay olympics, Kelly Clarkson reminding us all to stop being dirt humans when everything is falling apart, and blue-eyed babe soda Brett coming back after a VERY DRY 3 years of no music with a little piano tune about some lucky bitch named Gabrielle. Have a peaceful weekend.

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Movies, Television

Oscars 2016 Recap

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WHOA. If you were looking for an uplifting three and half, yes THREE AND A HALF hours on a Sunday night, you probably shouldn’t have tuned into the Oscars. Hollywood is RACIST, college campuses are RAMPANT with sexual assault and the earth is MELTING…but here are a bunch of awards for movies you probably didn’t see! YAY! Here’s a VERY cliff notes version of what you may have missed–other than a lot of scolding about how terrible we are as a human race.

-Chris Rock’s monologue was funny and succeeded in making white people feel like garbage can racists. Really could’ve used a little Michael Scott in there to ease the tension in the room.

-In efforts to speed up the longest, most boring awards show ever, the Oscars introduced the “Thank You” ticker to run onscreen as winners walked up to the stage. They hoped that by getting all the names out of the way, stars would give cool speeches that everyone can turn into powerful quote gifs, except that didn’t even a little bit happen. The show ran over by 35 minutes, everyone repeated all the names they already shouted out AIM profile style in the ticker and the speeches were DUDS.

-Stacey Dash gave everyone the uncomfies. Literally. We could see it on their faces.

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-Jared Leto suggested that I google “Merkin”, so I did. And I regretted it. #PubeWig

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-Mad Max looks scary as hell and also it won 5 awards b2b. Costume designers continue to dress like they’re going out to grab a burger. In 1995.

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-This guy killin the creepy smile/wave game and it’s essentially a mirror image of me when an attractive male looks my way.

 

-Hollywood loves Samoas just as much as they love pizza.

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-Another new addition to the awards, pop up video style facts every time someone took the stage. In theory it was informative–in reality, it became very clear which actors have never sniffed at an Oscar. Sofia Vergara’s fun fact was that she once starred in a movie with an Oscar-winner. So that’s really embarrassing.

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-Fake Suge Knight got more camera-time than J.Law. LoL to this blonde for grabbing her 15 seconds of fame though.

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-Sam Smith declared he was the first openly gay man to win an Oscar in his speech…whoops, not so fast, Sammy!

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-In probably the best bit of the night, Chris Rock trolls moviegoers in Compton. My favorite part is when Chris promises these are real movie titles and the girl replies, “Like in London and stuff?” Click here to watch.

-Jacob Tremblay finishes awards season strong as the cutest little nugget.

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Chris was gr8 in Madagascar.

-LEO WINS HIS OSCAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a BOSS.

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Music, Television

The Grammy’ZzzzZZZzz Recap

The Grammy’s are the biggest awards show for music, and they usually contain only a handful of awards and then several hours of performance. This is a great concept because most people would rather see the performances anyway, IF THEY’RE FUN AND UPBEAT. Last night’s show was the MOST boring awards show I’ve ever watched. They allowed snooze machine after snooze machine get onstage and croon out slow jams. It was a real struggle to stay awake for almost three hours with every performance serenading me to sleep. It was also the night of oldies collaboration, I assume in attempts to teach our youth who the classics are so they can cut the shit with tweeting out “AC/DC sounds like a really cool new artist.” I’m guessing it didn’t work. (Mostly because “Who Is Beck” was trending…)

We started off the night being reminded that LL Cool J is still hosting this thing, 20 years later. He’s also still wearing the same Kangol and licking those juicy lips every 30 seconds. Good to see some things never change. (He also forgoes a monologue…probably because he doesn’t want to get boo’ed off the stage—by me.)

The opening act is AC/DC and looking back I think this is the point where the Grammy’s really fooled us. I can see it now, some producer saying let’s open the show with a rockin performance from AC/DC so they’ll get all riled up for a bangin show and then we’ll hit em with the snooze button for the remaining three hours. Nailed it. This performance was for the old people and they really hit their target audience because I got a text from my mom that just said “ACDC!!!!” She was pretty excited. I personally kept thinking I was watching the final performance from School of Rock and was waiting for Zack Mooneyham to come out and melt faces with his guitar solo because of this outfit:

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Here’s the breakdown of the rest of the night…

Sleepies:

-Ariana Grande’s performance of “Just A Little Bit of Your Heart” gives me just a little bit of the sleepies.

-Jessie J and old guy (Tom Jones…I googled it) sing “You’ve Lost That Lovin Feeling” and Jessie J’s atrocious outfit is distracting me from this weird duet. Also Jessie’s voice wasn’t on point as it usually is.

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-Kanye has his first Grammy’s performing in 6 years. I know that because the announcers reminded me 10 times, I’m surprised Kanye also didn’t remind us. He has a single spotlight on him as he sings “Only One” about baby North with an Autotuner. He’s also dressed up for the occasion with a full red sweatsuit. Side Note: Is autotune still a thing? I thought T-Pain killed it like 6 years ago. (AKA the last time Yeezus was allowed to perform at the Grammy’s. Never mind, it makes sense now.)

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-Adam Levine & Gwen Stefani sing a song with only the words yes and yeah in it. It blows and Gwen tries to riff it up like Xtina would. No, no, no. They both look hawt though, so there’s that.

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– Hozier performs “Take Me To Church” with that mop of curls and Annie Lennox pops in to give us all the scaries and sing a bunch of noises with crazy eyes.

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-Prezzy Barack Obama makes a cameo to remind us how awful domestic abuse is, I’m lookin at you Chris Breezy. Then we’re all treated to a weird poetic speech from a domestic abuse survivor and by the end of her talk I genuinely thought I had just watched a scene from a play. It was a nice touch to add some downer abuse and violence snippets to a show full of sad, slow songs. High alert for wrist cutting last night.

-Katy peforms in a tight white dress that makes her look 3 months pregs and there are no gimmicks, no sharks with legs, and CERTAINLY no Missy. Booooooooo.

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-Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett perform “Cheek to Cheek.” Gags writhes her body all over Tony’s and I don’t know how he doesn’t have a heart attack on the spot. She clearly rolled around in Cheeto dust pre-performance and also doesn’t know what to do with her hands because they keep spazzing.

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-The KING of grooving, Ursher baby, sings a LULLABY with a harp and Steve Wonder comes out for a hot second. WHY. This is the point of the night where I had given up on ever hearing happy music again.

-The SUPER hyped up collaboration of Rihanna, Paul McCartney & Kanye where Paul’s mic is 100% turned off. He’s just there for shock value and to fuel more youth tweets of “Who is Paul McCartney?” Rihanna sounds gr8 even though she is wearing a baggy suit from Men’s Warehouse. Kanye tries to steal the show the entire time. At one point he shouts at Paul to pay his bail, it’s the most interaction Paul gets all night as he mimes into a muted mic and tries to keep up with the cool kids who are about four five seconds from WILDIN’.

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-Sam Smith and Mary J Blige perform “Stay With Me” TWICE. Great voices, not exactly an upper.

-Chris Martin & Beck perform and basically are twins. They sing a slow song, obv.

-Beyonce was who I was waiting for all night to end the show on a BANG. She comes out wearing an angel-esque wedding gown with a full choir behind her and I slip into a deep coma never to return again. It’s embarrassing how long I waited for her to strip that gown off and shout BRING DA BEAT IN. Spoiler alert: She didn’t.

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-John Legend and Common perform Glory after Bey and I think I was throwing things at my TV at this point. JK I was sleeping.

Highlights:

-Pharrell wins solo pop performance, struts onstage in his biz Bermudas and says “this is really awkward” a couple times before getting played offstage. If he’s referring to wearing knee length dress shorts to an awards show than I agree, it is really awkward.

-Miranda performs “Little Red Wagon” in a full leather bodysuit and cowboy boots, the sass is AMPED up and she wins the award for most upbeat song of the night.

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-The REAL Barry Gibb comes onstage to present and all I want to see is this:

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-Madonna the 56 year old wearing a red corset bodysuit has the second most upbeat performance of the night and she basks in the glory by slamming her crotch into her dancers faces. Her barf.com arms also make a debut when she strips her sparkle jacket off and the grand finale is when her limp body is risen above the stage. You do you, Madge.

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-Josh Duhamel, Julian Edelman and Malcolm Butler present an award, clearly Malcolm gets a little nervsies and poops his pants trying to read the teleprompter, then they tell a cheesy interception joke when Malcolm snatches the winner out of Josh’s hands. LOL. No but seriously, I didn’t even care that this was super awks, Josh Duhamel and Julian Edelman were standing side by side and it was a breathtaking view. Fingers crossed Edelman took my advice on snatching phones up in Hollywood last night or we’re gonna have a lot of pics to sift through this morning from all his lays.

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-Ed performs “Thinking out Loud” and it is magic and there might be some tears from me out of sheer joy from Ed saving this trainwreck. John Mayer joins him onstage just to make weird faces and play backup guitar. Go away, John. This is Ed’s moment. (Kim K is the only one sitting when Ed gets a standing O at the end. Killlll yerrrrseeelllffff.)

-Ed performs with some old people (Electric Light Orchestra?) and we get the funniest moment of the night when they pan to Paul McCartney as the ONLY one standing and getting his groove on. They keep a camera on him for so long it basically shames him into sitting down. Way to go, producers.

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-This guy’s hair:

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-BECAUSE WE JUST CAN’T LET HAPPY DIE. Pharrell performs a “new version” and is wearing a bellhop uniform with yellow sequin sneaks. The start of his performance his him shouting out things and Google Translate shouting it back to him in other languages. There’s choir action and piano solos and at the end Pharrell says, “I’m in your service oh Lord.” Bruh, God is ALSO sick of Happy so if you were in his service you wouldn’t have played it. Get outta here.

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-Prince is still a creeper.

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-Beck wins album of the year and asks for a recount. Kanye stands up to try to do a repeat of “Imma let you finish but…Beyonce had the best video of all TIME.” Beck welcomes him onstage to save us all from his awkward speech full of long pauses but Kanye’s like nah JUST KIDDING GUYS. I’m a sensitive father now, I don’t play that game anymore. Buzzzzzzzkilllllll.

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-Apparently Kanye & T.Swizz do the Parent Trap handshake during a commercial break and become besties again, 6 years post-incident. If there’s also a collab in the future I quit music.

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-Sia’s performs Chandalier with an extravagant set that is supposedly recreating a painting of “The Invisible Man” (This obv. went way over my head, but I read it somewhere.) The performance opens with Shia LaBeouf reading a strange letter. Sia stands in the scene facing the wall, singing and her dancers are Maddie Ziegler from Dance Moms and Kristen Wiig. Kristen hopping around in a leotard and doing goofy faces made me laugh out loud like I was watching an SNL sketch. Prob not what Sia was going for, but it was interesting to say the least. Also personal note to Sia: cut the shit with the hiding of your face. She does it because she doesn’t want to be famous YET we all know what she looks like. Enough is enough. I was praying she would win to see how she would handle her acceptance speech. Would she steal one of Daft Punk’s helmets from last year?

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-Lots of blind jokes with Stevie Wonder and Jamie Foxx. Good to see he still has a sense of humor about his lack of sight.

-Sam Smith won literally all of the awards. He thanked his ex-BF for being a scumbag and getting him all deeze Grammy’s and also confessed that he once tried to lose weight to be successful and the lesson to take away here is don’t ever diet because if you don’t you’ll have four Grammys to show for it.

Winners:

Best New Artist- Sam Smith

Best Solo Pop Performance- Happy, Pharell

Best Pop Vocal Album-Sam Smith

Best R&B Performance- Drunk in Love, Beyonce

Best Rock Album- Beck

Best Country Album- Miranda Lambert

Album of the Year- Beck

Song of the Year- Stay With Me, Sam Smith

Record of the Year- Sam Smith

As a reward for sitting through that pile of sad, slow garbage, here’s the best performances from last year to cleanse you:

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Music, Pop Culture

Breaking News: Tay & Bey Unite

Obviously everyone knows that the stars aligned and Taylor Swift turned 25 on 12/13/14 and coincidentally threw the banger of the century with celeb crowds better than any awards show. (Mostly because Snapchat forced everyone to know, making a cat cartoon filter for every picture snapped on this holy day.) Everybody who is ANYBODY was at Tay’s party, as evident in the slur of photos below that gave me a real outrageous amount of FOMO on Saturday morning. The biggest shocker wasn’t the fact that Mr. King of Pop JT graced this little shindig with his presence but The King and Queen themselves also showed up. WHAT is that you say? The two most anti-social, royal subjects of Hollywood settled and hob-nobbed with T Swift and a bunch of commoners for her 25th? I was just as shocked as you, obviously.

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Since this happened over the weekend while everyone was enjoying their regular normal people activities I was going to let it slide without a specific blog…but then JT had his Brooklyn concert last night and the popular crowd reunited and I just couldn’t stand by and watch this silently for one more second. It appears that Queen B and her man didn’t just show up to Taylor’s party as a charity write-off…Bey and Tay are now besties who dance togets at JT concerts. These two have united and prepare yourself for a slaying because no one knows what could happen next. A secret joint release? A music video with dorky vs. queen twerk-offs? Tay babysitting Blue? The sky is the limit people–brace yourselves for a takeover.

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