Music, Television

AMA’s Recap 2017

I often like to milk two blogs out of awards shows and even though barely anyone reads these recaps, I laugh at myself while writing them, and that’s truly what is most important. Here’s the top five things to take away from last night’s AMA’s, which packed a lot of good performances into an awards show that gives out fake awards to whoever shows up, basically.

1. Selena is OV-ER-RATED, clap, clap, clapclapclap.

Everyone was buzzing about her performance because she’s made it VERY WELL KNOWN that it was her only live performance of this year due to GETTING A NEW KIDNEY and everything. Well, it sucked. Real hard. She basically came onstage just to writhe around a car in a white nightie, covered in fake blood. Girl didn’t even attempt to lip sync. At one point I’m pretty sure she fell asleep on top of said car. If she didn’t, then I sure as hell did because it was a REAL snooze. Also, can everyone stop associating her Lupus/kidney surgery with everything that she does? She’s recovered. It’s not like she walked out of the hospital to give this performance and couldn’t dance too hard or else risk popping stitches. Chill on it. Notably absent from cheering her on, though? Biebs. He seems like a super supportive BF.

2.  Xtina is dead. Haven’t seen ole Xtina in a while (apparently people have forgotten how her last name is pronounced) and suddenly she’s doing a Whitney tribute and the only reason I knew it was really her was because she held her ear and waved her hand up and down when she did vocal riffs. Otherwise, who is this woman with Kylie Jenner lips and how did she get the honor of singing a Whit medley?

christinaxtina

Since we now know that it really was her…and that People is crediting “natural makeup” for her completely transformed face, it would be wrong of me to say that she didn’t crush it because she has a powerhouse voice. Even if Pink DID give her stank face. (lolzzzzzz firing up an old Lady Marmalade feud, what The Salty Ju does best)

Pink shocked face AMAs

Credit: ABC

3. Pink makes acrobats cool again. SPEAKING OF PINK, as soon as I heard “and Pink will be making history with a performance from the sky”, I audibly groaned. You guys KNOW how much I hated the played out ribbons performance. It’s like for 3 years that’s all she knew how to do at awards shows. Well I bit my tongue real quick because what followed was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. I mean she literally went face down off the side of a building while performing. I was getting naush just looking at it, so you have to be another level of badass to be like yup I’m staring at the ground 500 ft away from me and just crushing choreography and singing. She won the night and that’s pretty obvious.

4. Ashlee Simpson is back. 

ross fam

The Ross family was a focal point of the evening as Tracee Ellis Ross hosted and Diana Ross received a “you’re still alive and killin it” award, so obviously I was all about seeing how former punk rock princess Ashlee fit into this family dynamic. Turns out, her and that beautiful specimen Evan created one of the most adorable babies on this earth. During Diana’s performance the camera panned to her singing along and just living her damn life as a famous toddler. But then, as soon as she was pulled onstage at the end, she froze and pooped her diaper. Ashlee quickly turned into a stage mom dancing off to the side to get her kid to perform for the cameras and it was a real failure.

What a whirlwind of emotions it was keeping up with that family though. Props to her grandson who not only showed off his best dance moves right in Jagger’s grillpiece (stage fright doesn’t extend to all of the Ross children) but also jacked the mic to tell his grandma that he’s so proud and go off script giving every producer of this show a G-D heart attack. You da real MVP.

ross

5. WHO IS BTS? 

BTS

I legitimately had to google BTS after they flashed the camera to a bunch of Asians with the same haircut over and over again. The internet said these guys came out with their first single in 2013. TWO THOUSAND THIRTEEN?! I graduated college then. THAT WAS A LONG ASS TIME AGO. And they’re supposedly famous?! You shut your whore mouth. I patiently waited for them to take the stage to see what it is that they offered that would make them “mega international superstars.” Wanna know what they did? They had robot auto tune voices (I’m assuming this music was created in a studio just with a computer) that sang in a different language, and these matching mushroom cut boys danced to it. That was it. Girls knew the words and were legit in TEARS over this performance. WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?! WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/26/2016

1. Everyone is dying. Let me start this off by saying, unlike EVERYONE else, I’m not about to blame the year 2016 for some celebrity deaths. Why? BECAUSE THAT’S PREPOSTEROUS. 2016 is a year, not a murderer. So let’s cut the shit with the dramatics on Twitter, mmmk? And this is coming from one of the most dramats human on this planet, so you know it’s serious. Now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s talk about how like a bajillion celebrities died this year. I mean, yikes city. Alan Thicke a couple weeks ago, then bing, bang, boom with George Michael, Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds. There’s only one way we can all get through this together and I know everyone will agree. Just close your eyes and show me that smile again. (OooOooh SHOW ME THAT SMILE!)

I made this my alarm and I’ve never been happier to get up in the morning*

*Snooze no less than 100 times and finally drag my ass out of bed with the best song ever in my head.

2. Jenny from the 6. See what I did there? Apparently Drake’s love life is like super interesting because a couple weeks ago everyone was salivating over a Taylor-Drake relashe (when realistically they were probably just recording a song together…GIVE US NEW MUSIC, TAY.) and now it looks like Drake’s getting all up in that JLo booty. Respect. If I had to choose JLo or Rihanna, I’d go with the one who physically cannot age and puts out bangers still rather than the one who made the most annoying song on this planet. *In case you want something in your head for the rest of the day: werkwerkwerkwerkwerk.

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But honestly though, I’m proud of Drake for flaunting this all over the gram because when he was professing his love for RiRi at an awards show a few months back and she was like boy, bye it was preeetttyyyy embarrassing. Upgrade. Go get ’em Jenny.

Also shouts to this gossip because it allowed me to dive into a dark hole of watching old JLo music videos, which was a goldmine. I highly recommend it. Seriously how many times can she flash her abs in this one? We get it. You’re from the block (with a gym on it.)

Double also, if “Dra-Lo” becomes a real thing I’ll have no choice but to exit this planet.

3. Pink Popped.

Jameson Moon Hart 12.26.16

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It seems like just yesterday I was blogging about Pink’s tits-out maternity photo and now here’s the baby! Time flies when you’re topless. Either way…gr8 name. I couldn’t approve more if it was the name for my first nephew, cough cough. Middle name is dumb, obviously.

I love my baby daddy 💙

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4. National Bacon Day.

nutmegspelling

Tori Spelling literally cannot stop popping out kiddies so also it seems like an ideal time to get a micropig named Nutmeg to add to the fam. Seriously, wtf. Also I only know today is National Bacon Day because I observe it. By getting a half day at work, obviously.

5. Dunkin Nuts.

This happened a week ago but it doesn’t get old and I was really searching for celeb goss this week that didn’t have to do with another beloved star dying suddenly. Casey Affleck is the PERFECT Boston accented Dunkin trash. I’m proud to say that I drink Dunkz on a regular basis but I’ve never delivered a vanilla nut tap, so I’m really living my best life.

Happy New Year’s to all! Hopefully we don’t immediately get outraged as a human race by the year 2017. To assure that you start the year with a bang, smash play on the below CLASSIC.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/12/16

1. Baby Blake.

Ryan Reynolds honored with star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame, Los Angeles, USA - 15 Dec 2016

Ryan Reynolds got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY they finally debuted their two kids and I’m not even a little bit ashamed to say that I looked at every single picture that was posted of them because they are adorbsies. James is quite literally a tiny Blake Lively with a casual afro and now that they’re out in the open I better be seeing pics of these little nuggs on the reg. Congrats you beautiful MF’ers, for living up to my high expectations for creating cute kids.

Ryan Reynolds honored with star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame, Los Angeles, USA - 15 Dec 2016Ryan Reynolds honored with star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame, Los Angeles, USA - 15 Dec 2016Ryan Reynolds honored with star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame, Los Angeles, USA - 15 Dec 2016Blake Lively, James Reynolds

2. ENews Gets Me.

No but seriously, that caption summed up every feeling I had upon seeing this photo. Shouts to my sister for sending this to me for a quick drool sesh.

3. Pregnancy Boobs.

My first two thoughts when I saw this photo 1. Willow’s hands are tanner than me and I’m jelly. 2. How can I work this braid into my every day hairstyle. But like also congrats on the pregnancy rack, Pink. I wonder if baby will be born with a feather in it’s hair and a henna tattoo up it’s arm. Even the crystals were a little over the top. It gave me PTSD flashbacks to Spence circa season 4 of The Hills.

4. RIP Alan.

alanthicke

This should have been number 1 because it was a shocking celeb death but honestly I hate talking about dead people on The Salty Ju. It gives me the sads. I knew Alan personally, from how many Hallmark movies I have consumed through the years and he seemed like a real stand up gent. Plus, he had to put up with Robin his whole life and I imagine that’s no easy feat. Especially post-foam finger-gate. I never watched Growing Pains because I’m too young (humble, not so subtle brag) but I can ‘preciate a banger of a sitcom theme song. I can only hope this is played at his funeral because it is one of the greatest songs ever written.

 

5. Get yoself a man….

…who buys you a bigger ring, just cause. In case you haven’t noticed Chris Pratt has become a massive superstar over the past few years and rather than turning into a doucheroni, he instead bought wifey Anna Faris an upgrade for her engagement ring. And OBVIOUSLY I approve. Plus like, they’re just the cutest. In exchange, she got him a tractor.

annafaris

farisring

BONUS: Merry Christmas from Carpool Karaoke

#Blessed that this was turned into a carpool karaoke medley because we can ALL agree that 2016 Mariah definitely does not sound like 1994 Mariah and maybe she needed a little help on this one. It’s not a car concert unless you really go for the high notes so I’m proud of everyone for laying it all on the line.

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Music, Television

Billboard Music Awards Recap 2016

I would’ve done a red carpet except that I only found roughly 14 pictures and I hated them all. It’s kind of hard to post a blog specifically to razz celebrity outfits when I looked like this while watching the awards last night (and all day out in public yesterday.)

icebox

So instead I’ll give you the full recap breaking down the LoLz and the things that frankly were a NO (Meghan Trainor style) for me. YA NEED TO LET IT GO.

 

Yaassss:

The Weeknd won the first award and in his speech he spoke highly of Prince with, “I didn’t know him but I was close to him.” This sincerely made me laugh out loud.

Shawn Mendes did a supes emosh performance of Stitches that gave me all the feels. I’m already pretty sick of that song but watching him get down and dirty with it was worth it.

Speaking of Worth It, Fifth Harmony showed off how skilled they are at patting the puss Erika Jayne style AND dropping it low. They simultaneously showed off how unskilled they are at singing. Props for this song being a better version of Rihanna’s WERKWERKEWERKWERKWERK annoyingness though. And for suddenly turning at-home-jobs suuuper dirrrty.

Without even knowing it, I took a bathroom break right as Gwen and Blake were performing. So props to me for having a perfectly timed bladder emergency because if I had to sit through that whole butchering of music I would’ve ripped my ears clean off my head. We get it, guys. You’re together. A couple does not a musical collaboration make.

This is what Lukas Graham looks like. And this song bangs. Plus he actually sang it IRL.

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Celine gets the icon award and sings “The Show Must Go On” with a full orchestra and a champagne glitter dress. I mean it was obviously phenomenal but seriously, GIVE US THE HITS, CELINE! Billboard really banked on the waterworks by bringing out her son Rene Charles to present the award and she lost it. What a bunch of assholes these producers are. SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH. When Celine cries everyone cries. She apologizes and throws up a trib to her late husband. PS Her son is only 15, ya pervs. But he can give me a buzz in like 7 years.

 

The Go Go’s Reunion added some much-needed mom jamz into the mix. Watching those sassy middle aged women mom snap all over the stage was gr8. Also reminded me of the days when my mom would play The Bangles for us and we would crush the choreography. Meanwhile, every tween in the audience checked Twitter during this number.

Adele looked like a dime piece in the “Send my Love (to your new lover)” music video. Otherwise it was boring AF.

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Rihanna wore a furry animal’s tail around her neck and double decker sunglasses to do a slow jam in green lighting. It wasn’t Work and it wasn’t Bitch Better Have My Money so it was welcome by me.

Demi SLAY BITCH Lovato:

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Ariana brought out her bad gurl side.

 

Nahhh:

Britney is the opener because the show is in Vegas and she currently has a residency there. I guess I missed the part where she turned into a full on robot because her dancing was cringeworthy during this medley of hits. Lip syncing was really on point though. Hey is there a show where celebrities can dress up, dance terribly and not sing? Her body’s still tight as hell, so at least she’s got that going for her.

As new host, Ciara shakes her lady bits all over the stage while Russell Wilson nutted just from watching, front row. (They don’t have sex, guys.) Even Luda was like CHECK OUT DEM LEGS, GUYS. As he mopped up drool slobbering from his mouth.

ciara'slegs

Pink tossed it back to the year 2014 when she graced every awards show with an acrobatic ribbon routine. Except this time she just whipped through the crowd on a spinning clock, touched onstage to sing her song then was lifted with a clock hand at the end. SO ALICE IN WONDERLAND. SO OVER IT.

pinkclock

Tove Lo and Nick Jonas pitched their way through “Close” and then teased a smooch at the end. Tongue was honestly the only thing that could’ve saved that performance. Except Nick couldn’t even reach her mouth. Wittle guy.

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Kesha gives this dramatic and controversial performance (cough cough Dr. Luke) and yet WEARS A HIDEOUS WHITE SUIT WITH GLITTER DECALS AND BANGS. Like I get that it’s frowned upon to talk shit about this because she’s been through some shit this year but come on. Ben Folds tickled the ivories and she covered a Bob Dylan song. At least she changed it up and showed she actually has a good voice.

kesha

Madonna sings “Nothing Compares 2 U” for Prince. Stevie Wonder then stumbled out for a little Purple Rain. It was just like…fine.

madonna

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/22/16

Happy Friday and Happy Full House day. Full disclosure, I’m on episode 4 of Fuller House (“working” from home) and it’s ROUGH. Guess they didn’t want to take my advice to bring back Tommy Page or Rusty. Spoiler alert: they did reference the “dad” song, which gave me a chuckle. The rest did not. So that really put a damper on my weekend.

1. Put Baby in the Corner, Seriously. I last reported about the Dirty Dancing remake when I learned that Abigail Breslin was cast as Baby and whined about it to the world. Welp, I’m whining even more now because they’ve cast Johnny and he’s all abs. His credits include tossing Pink around in a super dramats music video like she was a stuffed animal, and some theater things…but more importantly, his 100-pack that was shoved in my face real hard. So I say stick Baby in the corner and do a solo number with your shirt off. That’s how you get ratings. You’re welcome world.

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(Seriously, watch this video, it’s real impressive.)

2. Heeeeeeere’s BRUCEY. You know how the internet loves to do that thing where they find an actor that was pre-puberty and probably a little chubby and awkward and then show us that they’re an attractive human today? (ahem, Neville Longbottom.) Well they did just that with good ole Bruce Bogtrotter. Known for annihilating an entire chocolate cake onstage to the chants of his fellow classmates, Bruce was probably my childhood hero. In fact, I’ve pretty much lived my entire life looking just like him after I’ve finished a meal. Because you haven’t really eaten anything until you feel like you’re going to boot all over the chokey, amirite?

youcandoitbruce

ANYWHO, now for the big reveal, he’s in his thirties now and like, a normal man without a weight problem. Some might say he’s a cutie. (Can’t say the same for Matilda these days…)

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3. Demi’s got pipes. 

I get the feeling that Demi takes a lot of hate for getting her start on Disney and then quickly spiraling into a coke-fueled rehab sitch, but I’m here to point out that there’s really no need to hate Demi because she’s got a voice like whoa. She proves it a lot but I feel like there’s no better proof than when she rips a little Xtina impression and brings us all to church. Plus, anyone who can perfect a Fetty Wap impersonation is good in my book.

4. Baewatch. Baywatch has begun filming and Zac Efron is in it. Need I say more?

5. Two Ellens for the price of one.

Ellen doesn’t properly get made fun of because she has ruled daytime television ever since Oprah retired to do a bunch of Weight Watchers commercials about how much she loves bread. Thanks to Kate McKinnon and her obnoxious “I’m Ellen” sketch, we get to see someone poke fun at Ellen on her own show. Although, how hard is it really to two step and snap every day at 4pm?

AND THAT’S THE JUice. Right, Robert?

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Pop Culture

Celeb-oween 2015

Celebs, they’re just like us…sometimes they have really dumb, unoriginal halloween costumes…and when they do, I point and laugh at them. I will applaud the fact that no one slipped up and did black face this year. They just might be learning!

WORST

Haute couture skeleton @alexfaction

A post shared by Jennifer Lopez (@jlo) on

I think this would have been okay had J.Lo not taken a typical costume and called it haute couture like a bougie betch.

👻

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I’m not sure what’s going on here, is this just a child from my nightmares?

I think I nailed the Kim K costume! 🕸👻🕷

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

What does the biggest attention whore in America dress as for Halloween? Herself, obviously.

I will absolutely NOT support Let it Go for one more second. Even if she does look like an adorbz little Olaf.

johnstamos

Devil’s Threesome.

peanuts today shwo

The Today Show tried to be cutesicle….

 carson willie matt

Except replicating a cartoon in real life can actually turn into a pretty scary sitch for all involved. Also OF COURSE Matt Lauer cross-dressed.

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Trump thrives off of this shit.

Tyra Banks Richard Branson

Tyra Banks as Richard Branson. Why?

kylieninja

Did Kylie even know it was Halloween? OHHHHH BURNNNN.

tbrady

Gisele and Tom Brady putting giant skeleton bobble heads on with a regular outfit is lazy and lame.

heidiklum

HEIDI KLUM MUST BE STOPPED. DO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH LESS.

kperry

Katy Perry as a mic drop. This is actually a clever idea until you have to reenact it 100 times for people to get it and then you have a concussion.

hilhil

I know Hil can do much better than a basic betch black cat.

paris

Right, so this is what warriors look like?

nickjonas

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Shirtless costumes only in the future, pls.

BEST

Anne looking pastel puuurfect as a unicorn.

Coming to America🎃

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HOW SASSY IS BLUE THOUGH?!

The classiest woodland creatures I ever did see.

Mario Lopez’s kid is the cutest little smush and they nailed Elvis & Elvis Jr.

Allison looks EXACTLY like Belle.

Authentic shit, right down to the climbing. If Shawn was my fiance I’d climb him like a tree too.

I’m embarrassed that I went as Sandy last year because Gigi swept through this year and took a big dump on my version of bada$$ Sandra Dee.

Sophia Bush perfecting Pulp Fiction

Finally ready. Michigan won! Thanks @theartistsg for my devil ha!

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The possibly engaged couple as polar opposites. Mesmerized by Jeets’ face as the devil.

Lebron going as Prince and taking the stage for an impromptu show seems really out of character for him.

🦁

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Girls’ already got one hell of a mane.

Not as good as last years caveman in the flesh but still pretty great.

Griswold and Brinkley #HappyHalloween 📷by @kristingram

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Hot damn! 2000’s Jess is making a comeback.

kardashsuperhero

I just wanna snatch P right up. I won’t…but I want to.

coltonhaynes

This is Colton Haynes. He doesn’t normally look like this. Respect tha hustle here for transforming into the largest and most disgusting creature in Disney villain history.

ninadobrev

Nina Dobrev bitch facing as Posh.

yonce

Don’t you ever cross Queen Bey or she’ll come at you like this.

kelly&michael1

kellyripa

Kelly Ripa’s got a knack for pop culture costumes, IMO.

michael strahan

Michael Strahan as Cookie. FIERCE.

joshduhamel

Josh Duhamel with a gap tooth.

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I’m always pro-T.Swift costume.

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GMA hosts Robin Roberts & TJ Holmes take on the Lyons.

AishaTylerYonce

Bionic hand seals the deal for Aisha Tyler

miranda

Miranda Lambert and co. as the Rockford Peaches. Where Marla Hooch at?

ellen kardashian

Ellen DeGeneres created her own character, Karla Kardashian, who is the reject of the clan and only wears hand-me-downs. Bonus points for originality although we know how I feel about drawing more attention to the Kardash fam.

therock

This seems like an approps costume for someone who naturally has gunz on gunz.

sarahyland

If you have a hot bod like Sarah Hyland it should be mandatory that you go leather bodysuit for Halloween.

jalba

Always jelly of celebs who can get their hands on legit wardrobe for pop culture costumes.

ginarodriguez

Gina Rodriguez shows off cute and cozy.

demi

YAASSSSS TRAP QUEEN.

pink

Pink looks exactly like lil Drew Barrymore.

nicolerichie

Nicole Richie doing up the Nightmare before Christmas creeperoni.

nph

NPH is the family costume magician every year.

channingjenna

His and hers cat in the hats for one of my fave couples

chrissy

Chrissy Teigen as Guy Fieri is perfect and gave her an excuse to do douchey things. I’m all for a costume that lets you get away with being a more obnoxious individual.

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