JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/25/2020

This the kind of week that separates the men from the boys. The wheat from the chaff. Will I, The Salty Ju, have the talent, wit and charisma it takes to make a week full of NOTHING going on, into entertainment? If by the end of this blog you have not giggled one time, you may request a refund through the service department of what you believe your time spent reading this was worth. If your time, much like mine, is worthless, then shut the hell up and I’ll see you next week: same time, same place.

1. Reunions Galore.

If I had to guess who would reunite for fanfare and/or charity during these trying times, I’d have to admit that the cast of Cheaper by the Dozen isn’t even in the same stratosphere of the iconic shows or movies that I would list. And that’s probably why I love this so much. Cheaper by the Dozen was a GR8 family flick. It had sexy Ashton Kutcher in his heyday, Hilary Duff hot off of Lizzie McGuire and Metamorphosis, staples like Bonnie Hunt and Steve Martin as the loving but maybe a little too horny parents (a more modern and less religious Annie & Eric Camden, if you will), the sassy little back up dancer from Missy Elliott’s music videos and sidekick of Mike’s Super Short Show on Disney, another babe soda Tom Welling, and then a whole mishmosh of new kid actors teaching us how to best make our parents lives miz with small pranks. It was most certainly birth control in movie form. And yet, you couldn’t help but tear up when the redhead who is super into frogs gets called FedEx. It had it all. And then the sequel debuted Taylor Lautner as the hot kewl kid across the lake and as a 6th grader I realized that I had a thing for boys with a nice bronze glow. Either way, I feel like Cheaper by the Dozen can easily be forgotten when in reality, most people in my age bracket probably have a soft spot for it and now maybe want to give it a nostalgic re-watch. So I’d like to thank whoever organized this little throwback (I’m assuming it’s Hil Duff because she’s been real into the reunions lately) because I live for “where are they now” articles basically just so I can see what child actors look like now and this was one in video form. Notably missing: Steve Martin. Guess he got a little TOO big for his britches. Can’t even toss us a bone by doing a TikTok for the movie that MADE him. PS: Piper Perabo must’ve really had to reach deep for her reenactment. Stand still and look hot. Eye roll. Show us some range, sista.

2. Boob Reduction.

The world’s fave Twitter cool girl has overshared that she’ll be getting her fake bewbs out. Apparently people were a little heated when she instagram-live’d her COVID test, because it sometimes appears as though those with unlimited cash flow seem to have the privilege of a doctor coming into their home for a personal test that people are literally lining up on city sidewalks to get…but not Chrissy. She’s just keeping it real, yo. She didn’t request that a home visit testing be administered—noooo it was her doctor who requested it before she gets an elective surgery during a national pandemic to get her full C’s out. God, people can be so judgmental. STOP BEING SO NOSY EVERYONE AND ASKING A CELEBRITY HOW SHE GOT A COVETED COVID TEST. She’s sick of not being able to zip her dress over the boobs that she chose to have put inside her body. Have a little sympathy, assholes. Let her LAY ON HER BELLY for Pete’s sake! And really, here’s the actual reason I relished in posting this very pretentious piece of celebrity news…”What? Making your tits smaller, that’s like slapping God across the face for giving you a gorgeous gift.”

I watched this movie so many times when it came out that I can easily quote it line by line. I know Chrissy is choosing to get rid of implants–not necessarily getting a breast reduction, and yet this scene still applies. Cause as soon as she’s un-bandaged, I’ll be refreshing her insta hoping to catch a glimpse of those warlocks.

3a. Swifties Attack the BK Lounge.

BKLounge

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that fast food social media is some of the best you’ll see. You can tell they understand the power of wittiness and social media marketing and if I had to guess, they employ youths straight out of college to run their Twitter accounts. There have been so many times that fast food accounts have gotten into snarky twitter battles or used memes or pop culture references to promote product/get attention  and it works EVERY time. This is one of those times where I will not back the Swifties. Y’all don’t have a sense of humor if you can honestly say tweeting BURGER KING with what is your favorite Taylor Swift song and getting back “the one about her ex” doesn’t illicit a giggle and a “good one.” Nothing about this tweet was mean and it was a well-placed comeback. I don’t think we need to burn the BK Lounge at the stake for an innocuous joke. These little Swiftie stans started #BurgerKingIsOverParty from this one tweet. Obviously the tweet was deleted and if we’re going to be roasting Burger King about ANYTHING it’s going to be for the time they made the Halloween whopper with a PITCH BLACK HAMBURGER BUN that turned everyone’s shit green.

Burger King Halloween Whopper

Well, everyone who was gross enough in the first place to eat it. So in retrospect, they deserved the Leprechaun poops but BK for sure needs to be put on blast for that holiday marketing fail more than a funny joke about how Taylor Swift writes songs about her exes. (Can also argue that the King himself who just creeps around in all their commercials could take a beating as well…) I bet you Tay read that tweet from her house that she bought with the money that she made from the songs that she wrote about her own life and was like HAHA sick burn, BK. Their recovery tweet also deserves a hat tip:

YOU COME AT THE KING, YOU BEST NOT MISS! (but furreal thank God they got rid of this cheeto-dusted Jesus lookin plastic ass head with an eternal smile and lifeless eyes. NIGHTMARES.)

bkmascot

3b. Jack Leopards & the Dolphin Club

Aside from their beef with BK (pun intended) Swifties also made waves this week for sniffing out another “clue” dropped by their almighty Queen Taylor. After putting out props for a cover of Look What You Made Me Do that apparently was featured on the show Killing Eve, those little rats dug deeper to find out that the band Jack Leopards & the Dolphin Club doesn’t actually exist and Taylor’s brother Austin at one point had something about a dolphin club on his social media and the producer on the song was Nils Sjoberg (the fake name she used on Calvin Harris’s song that she wrote) and Jack Antonoff somehow had a tie to these clues as well and I don’t know I can’t keep up with all of these people creeping for internet breadcrumbs. The moral of the story is that Scooter Braun/Scott Borchetta/Big Machine bought the rights to Taylor’s entire body of work and she very publicly told them to F off and that they were big bullies capitalizing off of her hard work. So now apparently Taylor will make up fake band names in order to re-record all of her old songs. I’m not sure what is legal and what isn’t here and why she can’t just use her own name and talent to make a point but if there is going to be a sneaky way to her re-releasing each song, I’m out. If I may use her own words to explain how I feel: And I’m like I just I mean this is exhausting, you know. Also, this version sucks. It’s terrifying and creepy and could pass for the Burger King mascot’s theme song.

4. Scott & Sofia Are “On A Break.”

scottsofia

You know I’m desperado for goss when I’m stooping down to Kardashian level. Back in the day when I KEPT up with the Kardashians, Scott was always my fave because he said what everyone else was thinking. He had no problem making fun of how stupid these B’s were. Unfortunately, things took a turn when he literally crumbled right before us on reality TV with his parents both dying and then turning into a real partying mess. It seemed (through the tabs) that things had turned around and he and Sofia had been together a few years now and they were doing that new age thing where the exes take family vacations with their kids and their new sig oths and everyone just gets along like gangbusters. So at first it seemed like it would be a fling because of the casj 16 year age difference but clearly they proved everyone wrong. Except that Scott recently went back to rehab and I’m guessing that’s when things started to head downhillskis. Obviously everyone is wishing for a Kourtney and Scott reunion, which much like Brad and Jen, I think we can all put to bed almost immediately. I love that America is so gung-ho about re-coupling famous people whose relationships ended in fiery flames. Like obviously they all get along now, years later but let’s not forget the shitstorm that happened during these breakups. Scott was a mean alcoholic who once shoved dollar bills in a waiter’s mouth in Vegas on camera and Brad cheated on Jen with Angelina Jolie. Did I mean to make a parallel between reality TV stars and America’s sweethearts? No, but I rest my case. Everyone stop shipping terrible relationships. Or else.

PS shout out to Khloe Kardashian for getting an entirely new face and thinking no one would notice when she’s spent her entire adult life on camera 24/7.

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location: under bitches skiiiinnnnn 💋

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5. What? Like It’s Hard?

Halsey

This falls under the category of news you never knew you needed. This is proof of what we in the pop culture blogging biz call a SLOW NEWS WEEK. Halsey who once wore open silk PJ’s on a red carpet chose quarantine to show us all up. She’s already got the voice of an angel and a booming music career but now she’s going to study to take the bar exam. Because why the hell not become a lawyer too?! Ya girl can’t even secure one career and now I’ve gotta deal with greedy bitches like Halsey who just decide to dabble in them all! I think I speak for everyone when I say, do less. You’re making us all look bad.

“Law is fun but hard.” COME ON!!! You’re reading a book called Constitutional Law. I almost fell asleep writing that. And to toss a hot bod bikini pic in with it?! Damn, Elle Woods, all that’s missing is the bend and snap!

BONUS: Weekly Update on my blossoming TikTok Career.

@thesaltyju

I depend on packages for happiness these days. Today was NOT a good package day. At least I’m not Lori Loughlin. #fail #onlineshopping #fyp

♬ original sound – cidcurry

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Pop Culture

Celeb-oween 2015

Celebs, they’re just like us…sometimes they have really dumb, unoriginal halloween costumes…and when they do, I point and laugh at them. I will applaud the fact that no one slipped up and did black face this year. They just might be learning!

WORST

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Haute couture skeleton @alexfaction

A post shared by Jennifer Lopez (@jlo) on

I think this would have been okay had J.Lo not taken a typical costume and called it haute couture like a bougie betch.

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👻

A post shared by Lauren Conrad (@laurenconrad) on

I’m not sure what’s going on here, is this just a child from my nightmares?

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I think I nailed the Kim K costume! 🕸👻🕷

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

What does the biggest attention whore in America dress as for Halloween? Herself, obviously.

I will absolutely NOT support Let it Go for one more second. Even if she does look like an adorbz little Olaf.

johnstamos

Devil’s Threesome.

peanuts today shwo

The Today Show tried to be cutesicle….

 carson willie matt

Except replicating a cartoon in real life can actually turn into a pretty scary sitch for all involved. Also OF COURSE Matt Lauer cross-dressed.

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Trump thrives off of this shit.

Tyra Banks Richard Branson

Tyra Banks as Richard Branson. Why?

kylieninja

Did Kylie even know it was Halloween? OHHHHH BURNNNN.

tbrady

Gisele and Tom Brady putting giant skeleton bobble heads on with a regular outfit is lazy and lame.

heidiklum

HEIDI KLUM MUST BE STOPPED. DO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH LESS.

kperry

Katy Perry as a mic drop. This is actually a clever idea until you have to reenact it 100 times for people to get it and then you have a concussion.

hilhil

I know Hil can do much better than a basic betch black cat.

paris

Right, so this is what warriors look like?

nickjonas

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Shirtless costumes only in the future, pls.

BEST

Anne looking pastel puuurfect as a unicorn.

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Coming to America🎃

A post shared by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on

HOW SASSY IS BLUE THOUGH?!

The classiest woodland creatures I ever did see.

Mario Lopez’s kid is the cutest little smush and they nailed Elvis & Elvis Jr.

Allison looks EXACTLY like Belle.

Authentic shit, right down to the climbing. If Shawn was my fiance I’d climb him like a tree too.

I’m embarrassed that I went as Sandy last year because Gigi swept through this year and took a big dump on my version of bada$$ Sandra Dee.

Sophia Bush perfecting Pulp Fiction

The possibly engaged couple as polar opposites. Mesmerized by Jeets’ face as the devil.

Lebron going as Prince and taking the stage for an impromptu show seems really out of character for him.

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🦁

A post shared by tori kelly (@torikelly) on

Girls’ already got one hell of a mane.

Not as good as last years caveman in the flesh but still pretty great.

Hot damn! 2000’s Jess is making a comeback.

kardashsuperhero

I just wanna snatch P right up. I won’t…but I want to.

coltonhaynes

This is Colton Haynes. He doesn’t normally look like this. Respect tha hustle here for transforming into the largest and most disgusting creature in Disney villain history.

ninadobrev

Nina Dobrev bitch facing as Posh.

yonce

Don’t you ever cross Queen Bey or she’ll come at you like this.

kelly&michael1

kellyripa

Kelly Ripa’s got a knack for pop culture costumes, IMO.

michael strahan

Michael Strahan as Cookie. FIERCE.

joshduhamel

Josh Duhamel with a gap tooth.

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I’m always pro-T.Swift costume.

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GMA hosts Robin Roberts & TJ Holmes take on the Lyons.

AishaTylerYonce

Bionic hand seals the deal for Aisha Tyler

miranda

Miranda Lambert and co. as the Rockford Peaches. Where Marla Hooch at?

ellen kardashian

Ellen DeGeneres created her own character, Karla Kardashian, who is the reject of the clan and only wears hand-me-downs. Bonus points for originality although we know how I feel about drawing more attention to the Kardash fam.

therock

This seems like an approps costume for someone who naturally has gunz on gunz.

sarahyland

If you have a hot bod like Sarah Hyland it should be mandatory that you go leather bodysuit for Halloween.

jalba

Always jelly of celebs who can get their hands on legit wardrobe for pop culture costumes.

ginarodriguez

Gina Rodriguez shows off cute and cozy.

demi

YAASSSSS TRAP QUEEN.

pink

Pink looks exactly like lil Drew Barrymore.

nicolerichie

Nicole Richie doing up the Nightmare before Christmas creeperoni.

nph

NPH is the family costume magician every year.

channingjenna

His and hers cat in the hats for one of my fave couples

chrissy

Chrissy Teigen as Guy Fieri is perfect and gave her an excuse to do douchey things. I’m all for a costume that lets you get away with being a more obnoxious individual.

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