Red Carpet

Billboard Music Awards Red Carpet 2018

This is one of those awards show that I question if I’m too old for every year and the great news is, not yet! If you close the show with Salt n Pepa, En Vogue and DJ Spinderella spitting 90’s bangers, I’M STILL IN THE CUTOFF! Unfortunately, I am too old for like 90% of what the females chose to wear for this red carpet, which is unfortunate because this was a real female empowerment show.

WORST

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Kewl one suspender, Gaston.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m convinced that Halsey just grabs a wig on her way out the door and tosses it on in the limo with how out of place it always looks on her head/body.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

The bottom of this dress could dust my apartment and I’m over it.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Taylor hasn’t been on an awards show red carpet in 2 years and this was her comeback dress. Hard disapprove.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Red Carpet

Salt n Pepa tried to dress like youths except that they’re no longer in youth shape.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Clashing prints and quite the baggy crotch for new dad John. We’ll forgive him because he showed up just to sing and flew back to Chrissy & the babies.

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2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

We needed a front and back view of this dress because although the sparkles dazzle me, Ciara basically rolled up naked.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

This dress MUST be one size fits all because she is drowning in it.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I had a disgusting dress up dress when I was a kid that was made from this exact fabric and was a brighter hue of purple. Except it didn’t have a neckline that started at my waist.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m honestly perplexed by this. Did someone ravel her in pinstripe fabric from a spool and just let her start walking?

Billboard Music Awards, Arrivals, Las Vegas, USA - 20 May 2018

DEMI WHAT R U DOING? You can perform with Xtina but DO NOT take fashion tips from her!!! Slicked hair and a leopard print muumuu, no ma’am!

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Ugh. Maren. A heart? Rly?

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I am blown away by this look. Not only is it completely skanky to just roll up with a wide open, unbuttoned blazer but my friend and I dissected what happens when you sit down for far too long. But seriously. Unless she’s standing for this entire awards show, can we take a quick guess what’ll happen when she sits down? Her stomach will do all sorts of things. It’s called gravity. WHY WOULD A FEMALE WILLINGLY OPEN THEIR TOP UP TO SHOW THAT OFF?!

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

The inventor of smizing was really selling it here but nothing will sell this collar/sleeve ruffle.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

This is lingerie.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Although this is a very Kesha outfit, I feel like if she maybe took one piece away from all the things she’s doing here I would’ve let it slide.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Love her hair and the color but all these mixed textures ruined it for me.

BEST

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Wooooo Janet looking like the badass fairy godmother of the BBMA’s.

Billboard Music Awards, Arrivals, Las Vegas, USA - 20 May 2018

Don’t care what he’s shamelessly promoting here because it’s Pauly D and I love him and he’s wearing pineapple kicks.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Fun dress that doesn’t show any of her bits! Not quite sure about Evan’s bedazzled Cosby sweater tho.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

This doesn’t even look like Mila Kunis (can we not make bangs a thing?) but it’s still a cute outfit.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I like this dress in theory but judging by the amount of times Hailey tugged at her boobs she clearly was uncomfy in it and this is why you don’t wear a dress where your girls hang loose and you have to constantly adjust it to prevent a nip slip. Tough stuff, lesson learned.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

JESSE ❤

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I want to toss this pic in front of JC and say this is how you do red boots.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I kinda just want this leather jacket for myself, tbh.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Host K. Clarkson in addition to being suuuuper obnoxious, rotated between varations of black dresses/suits with big belts and gold jewels. Slimming classic look.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Red hawt. Even the shades match!

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Jenna Dewan gettin down in all leatha.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I feel like the guys showed up way more than the girls last night and I’m here for it! Showing the bros some fashion love.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

FRESH SUMMER SUIT!

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

I’m so envious of this dramatic top bun. And also the dress is alright.

2018 Billboard Music Awards - Arrivals

Although I find it absolutely mind-bottling that a comically round individual like DJ Khaled is the most sought after person to shout ANOTHA ONE or scream nonsense in the background of your song and take partial producing/writing credit, this aqua colored suit and matching kicks are mesmerizing. Credit where credit is due. Now back to hating him for ruining every good song on this earth. The. End.

 

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Music, Television

Billboard Music Awards Recap 2016

I would’ve done a red carpet except that I only found roughly 14 pictures and I hated them all. It’s kind of hard to post a blog specifically to razz celebrity outfits when I looked like this while watching the awards last night (and all day out in public yesterday.)

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So instead I’ll give you the full recap breaking down the LoLz and the things that frankly were a NO (Meghan Trainor style) for me. YA NEED TO LET IT GO.

 

Yaassss:

The Weeknd won the first award and in his speech he spoke highly of Prince with, “I didn’t know him but I was close to him.” This sincerely made me laugh out loud.

Shawn Mendes did a supes emosh performance of Stitches that gave me all the feels. I’m already pretty sick of that song but watching him get down and dirty with it was worth it.

Speaking of Worth It, Fifth Harmony showed off how skilled they are at patting the puss Erika Jayne style AND dropping it low. They simultaneously showed off how unskilled they are at singing. Props for this song being a better version of Rihanna’s WERKWERKEWERKWERKWERK annoyingness though. And for suddenly turning at-home-jobs suuuper dirrrty.

Without even knowing it, I took a bathroom break right as Gwen and Blake were performing. So props to me for having a perfectly timed bladder emergency because if I had to sit through that whole butchering of music I would’ve ripped my ears clean off my head. We get it, guys. You’re together. A couple does not a musical collaboration make.

This is what Lukas Graham looks like. And this song bangs. Plus he actually sang it IRL.

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Celine gets the icon award and sings “The Show Must Go On” with a full orchestra and a champagne glitter dress. I mean it was obviously phenomenal but seriously, GIVE US THE HITS, CELINE! Billboard really banked on the waterworks by bringing out her son Rene Charles to present the award and she lost it. What a bunch of assholes these producers are. SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH. When Celine cries everyone cries. She apologizes and throws up a trib to her late husband. PS Her son is only 15, ya pervs. But he can give me a buzz in like 7 years.

 

The Go Go’s Reunion added some much-needed mom jamz into the mix. Watching those sassy middle aged women mom snap all over the stage was gr8. Also reminded me of the days when my mom would play The Bangles for us and we would crush the choreography. Meanwhile, every tween in the audience checked Twitter during this number.

Adele looked like a dime piece in the “Send my Love (to your new lover)” music video. Otherwise it was boring AF.

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Rihanna wore a furry animal’s tail around her neck and double decker sunglasses to do a slow jam in green lighting. It wasn’t Work and it wasn’t Bitch Better Have My Money so it was welcome by me.

Demi SLAY BITCH Lovato:

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Ariana brought out her bad gurl side.

 

Nahhh:

Britney is the opener because the show is in Vegas and she currently has a residency there. I guess I missed the part where she turned into a full on robot because her dancing was cringeworthy during this medley of hits. Lip syncing was really on point though. Hey is there a show where celebrities can dress up, dance terribly and not sing? Her body’s still tight as hell, so at least she’s got that going for her.

As new host, Ciara shakes her lady bits all over the stage while Russell Wilson nutted just from watching, front row. (They don’t have sex, guys.) Even Luda was like CHECK OUT DEM LEGS, GUYS. As he mopped up drool slobbering from his mouth.

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Pink tossed it back to the year 2014 when she graced every awards show with an acrobatic ribbon routine. Except this time she just whipped through the crowd on a spinning clock, touched onstage to sing her song then was lifted with a clock hand at the end. SO ALICE IN WONDERLAND. SO OVER IT.

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Tove Lo and Nick Jonas pitched their way through “Close” and then teased a smooch at the end. Tongue was honestly the only thing that could’ve saved that performance. Except Nick couldn’t even reach her mouth. Wittle guy.

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Kesha gives this dramatic and controversial performance (cough cough Dr. Luke) and yet WEARS A HIDEOUS WHITE SUIT WITH GLITTER DECALS AND BANGS. Like I get that it’s frowned upon to talk shit about this because she’s been through some shit this year but come on. Ben Folds tickled the ivories and she covered a Bob Dylan song. At least she changed it up and showed she actually has a good voice.

kesha

Madonna sings “Nothing Compares 2 U” for Prince. Stevie Wonder then stumbled out for a little Purple Rain. It was just like…fine.

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Music, Television

Billboard Music Awards Recap

I should probably stop having such high hopes for these types of awards shows. It was preeetttyyy roughsicles but there were some glimmers throughout the three hours so here are your highs and lows of the night.

Highs

-Tswizzle made her public debut with Calvin Harris as her boo thang. Every award that she won (there were many) she made sure to hug everyone in her crew but Calv got some smooch action and it was hot sauce. Would’ve been even spicier if Calvin had gone in for the ass grab below, but whateva…the point is they’re obviously porking.

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-Speaking of hot sauce, Nick Jonas performed “Jealous” and even though he was essentially wearing a foil blanket that marathon runners get once they’ve finished the race and there were lots of lasers and graphics trying to distract me, he still dripped sex.

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-Sam Smith wins top male artist and had to give a silent thank you because he’s having throat surgery, so he made cue cards that told Taylor to play blackjack, shouted out Nicki’s big azzzz and signed up Ed for a Chippendales dance. It was cute and also a quick reminder that all of these mega rich famous people are BFF’s.

-Ed Sheeran murders “Bloodstream” and it’s easily the best performance of the night. I’d like to see ANYONE in that slew of performances that paled in comparison to get up there and run a loop pedal like that. They can’t, so they tromp around the stage in bras instead. (I’m lookin at you, Nicki.)

Full Performance Here

-Harry gave Nial’s junk a little love tap in their victory walk.

-After winning, 1D took the high road (and their publicist’s strong advice, I’m guessing) to thank “their brother Zayn”…which is more mature than calling him out on Twitter, but much less exciting.

-The Florida Georgia Line vest twins each wore nice, flattering, attractive suits. Whoa.

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-Meredith Grey. Get it grrrrl.

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-The Empire mashup gave us some beatz to work with…fictional or not it was a solid performance.

-Simple Minds perform “Don’t You Forget About Me” for 30 year Breakfast Club tribute. Lead singer wearing the shit out of a plaid blazer, accentuates it with a whole lot of gyrating.

Lows

-Taylor’s Hunger Games style “Bad Blood” music video with every single person she’s ever talked to starring as a different villain trying to kill her. It was way too much and the remix wasn’t my fave. Girl looked great but come on. Best villain name: Slay-Z for Gigi. I want that to be my alter ego. Also Tay as a ginge. Watch below if you want sensory overload.

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-Opening performance of Van Halen so they can catch their target audience of old people before they go to bed at 9PM. The forced sexual shout out to Nicki Minaj mid-song was a little too “HEY WE’RE HIP AND KNOW THINGS”

-Hate to say it but Chrissy Teigen and LUUUDAAAA were kind of duds at hosting. Luda should’ve done a medley of his hits to kick off the show. THAT would have been the stuff. Chrissy kept relying on cracks about how she gets penetrated by John Legend on the reg. Could’ve been worse, could’ve been better.

-Mariah Carey performs to let everyone know that she’s retiring to Las Vegas and she doesn’t sing one of her old bangers so what was even the point of that? She also shrieks at the end, which is a nice reminder that she has to struggle to hit the high notes these days.

– The 1000th Paul Walker tribute with “See You Again” where Wiz decides to honor his homie Paul by going nips out for the boys in a nude colored blouse. Then had a nice quick seizure at the end. RIP

LAS VEGAS, NV - MAY 17:  Rapper Wiz Khalifa performs onstage during the 2015 Billboard Music Awards at MGM Grand Garden Arena on May 17, 2015 in Las Vegas, Nevada.  (Photo by Jeff Kravitz/BMA2015/FilmMagic)LAS VEGAS, NV - MAY 17:  Musician Charlie Puth (L) and rapper Wiz Khalifa perform onstage during the 2015 Billboard Music Awards at MGM Grand Garden Arena on May 17, 2015 in Las Vegas, Nevada.  (Photo by Kevin Winter/BMA2015/Getty Images for dcp)

-Little Big Town and Faith Hill with a hard buzzcut sing “Girl Crush”. Could this song be any slower? Could Faith’s hair be any shorter?

-The Billboard Music Awards started F’ing with me when they put two people I despise onstage together for a collab. Pitbull and Chris Brown. It’s like they were almost taunting me to turn the TV off. (I chose to take a snack break instead.)

-It’s actually embarrassing that the Britney/Iggy song had to follow Ed. Because it is trash. Britney wore duct tape over her lady bits, which was really considerate of her. They did tacky 80’s choreography to match this shitty song and I wanted to close my eyes and ears so many times. Petition for Britney and Mariah to stick to Vegas.

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-Molly Ringwald thirstily asks if she can be part of Taylor’s crew and they ham it up in the audience because honestly who doesn’t want to be included in the popular crowd? Kind of embarrassing that you have to ask though, right Molls?

-Imagine Dragons, best known for their wild performances banging on drums and screaming do the Ben E King tribute with “Stand By Me”. Hmm…really makes you wonder who pinpointed them as the best option for that.

-Kayne is the closer and it’s about 6 minutes of pyrotechnics and silence. 99% of his song is bleeped out and you can’t even see him. THAT IS ART.

-Chrissy and Luda sign off and take a S***. Oh wait…I’m not a square so I’m allowed to say what they did. THEY TOOK A SHOT. They literally tossed back liquor on television BUT WEREN’T ALLOWED TO SAY THE WORD SHOT WITHOUT IT GETTING BLEEPED OUT. In what world does it make sense to have every female singer parade their RB curtz around stage just fine but the word SHOT (also can be used to describe a vaccination) is censored off the TV. Mic. Drop.

Full Winners List:

Top Duo/Group- One Direction Top Billboard 200 Album- Taylor Swift, 1989 Top Rap Song- “Fancy” Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX Top Male Artist- Sam Smith Top Radio Song- “All of Me” John Legend Top Female Artist- Taylor Swift Top Touring Artist- One Direction Top Hot 100 Song- “All About That Bass” Meghan Trainor Billboard Artist (fan-voted)-Taylor Swift Top Country Artist- Florida Georgia Line Top Artist- Taylor Swift

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Red Carpet

Billboard Music Awards Red Carpet

Hey guys, I actually showered on No-Shower-Sunday so this gives me every right to rank who looked like a garbage can at the Billboard’s.

Worst:

zendaya

Zendaya’s back to barf.com outfits.

rita-ora-billboard-music-awards

Not a good enough reason to show your belly button and almost vagina, Rita.

jussie-smollet-bbmas-red-carpet-2015-billboard-400

Sweet noutfit (nude outfit), Jussie.

LAS VEGAS, NV - MAY 17:  Musician Meghan Trainor attends the 2015 Billboard Music Awards at MGM Grand Garden Arena on May 17, 2015 in Las Vegas, Nevada.  (Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

This is a Christmas party dress. Let’s stick to summer thoughts.

LAS VEGAS, NV - MAY 17:  Actress/singer Jennifer Lopez attends the 2015 Billboard Music Awards at MGM Grand Garden Arena on May 17, 2015 in Las Vegas, Nevada.  (Photo by Steve Granitz/WireImage)LAS VEGAS, NV - MAY 17:  Musician Jennifer Lopez attends the 2015 Billboard Music Awards at MGM Grand Garden Arena on May 17, 2015 in Las Vegas, Nevada.  (Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

COME ONNN. WHY ARE YOU EVEN WEARING A DRESS AT THIS POINT?

LAS VEGAS, NV - MAY 17:  Singer Mariah Carey attends the 2015 Billboard Music Awards at MGM Grand Garden Arena on May 17, 2015 in Las Vegas, Nevada.  (Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

Because only Mariah would walk the red carpet with oversized sunglasses like an asshole.

brit

Brit. Woof.

chrissy-teigen-john-legend-bbmas-red-carpet-billboard-400

This dress is making me dizzy. Sry, girl.

The English-Irish pop band One Direction attends the 2015 Billboard Music Awards, May 17, 2015, at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas, Nevada.  AFP PHOTO / ROBYN BECK        (Photo credit should read ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

All I’ve ever wanted is for Harry to throw a little dry shampoo in that lettuce of his.

Best:

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I-G-G-Y coming in Saasssyyy. Could be because she’s standing next to dud city but I dig.

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Yes, please.

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Nick knew my favorite color is purple. He’s just toying with my emotions now.

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FIDDY. Left field. Fresh to death.

taraji

Taraji has been dressing like a sassmonster lately and I don’t hate it.

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Jesse never disappoints in his suit game.

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This grew on me, the men are really impressing me with the unique suits this time around.

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Tay is owning this. Strut city with those billion dollar legs.

Obv fave outfit of the night and also squad goals:

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