Pop Culture

Celeb-oween 2015

Celebs, they’re just like us…sometimes they have really dumb, unoriginal halloween costumes…and when they do, I point and laugh at them. I will applaud the fact that no one slipped up and did black face this year. They just might be learning!

WORST

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Haute couture skeleton @alexfaction

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I think this would have been okay had J.Lo not taken a typical costume and called it haute couture like a bougie betch.

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I’m not sure what’s going on here, is this just a child from my nightmares?

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I think I nailed the Kim K costume! 🕸👻🕷

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What does the biggest attention whore in America dress as for Halloween? Herself, obviously.

I will absolutely NOT support Let it Go for one more second. Even if she does look like an adorbz little Olaf.

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Devil’s Threesome.

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The Today Show tried to be cutesicle….

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Except replicating a cartoon in real life can actually turn into a pretty scary sitch for all involved. Also OF COURSE Matt Lauer cross-dressed.

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Trump thrives off of this shit.

Tyra Banks Richard Branson

Tyra Banks as Richard Branson. Why?

kylieninja

Did Kylie even know it was Halloween? OHHHHH BURNNNN.

tbrady

Gisele and Tom Brady putting giant skeleton bobble heads on with a regular outfit is lazy and lame.

heidiklum

HEIDI KLUM MUST BE STOPPED. DO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH LESS.

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Katy Perry as a mic drop. This is actually a clever idea until you have to reenact it 100 times for people to get it and then you have a concussion.

hilhil

I know Hil can do much better than a basic betch black cat.

paris

Right, so this is what warriors look like?

nickjonas

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Shirtless costumes only in the future, pls.

BEST

Anne looking pastel puuurfect as a unicorn.

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Coming to America🎃

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HOW SASSY IS BLUE THOUGH?!

The classiest woodland creatures I ever did see.

Mario Lopez’s kid is the cutest little smush and they nailed Elvis & Elvis Jr.

Allison looks EXACTLY like Belle.

Authentic shit, right down to the climbing. If Shawn was my fiance I’d climb him like a tree too.

I’m embarrassed that I went as Sandy last year because Gigi swept through this year and took a big dump on my version of bada$$ Sandra Dee.

Sophia Bush perfecting Pulp Fiction

The possibly engaged couple as polar opposites. Mesmerized by Jeets’ face as the devil.

Lebron going as Prince and taking the stage for an impromptu show seems really out of character for him.

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🦁

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Girls’ already got one hell of a mane.

Not as good as last years caveman in the flesh but still pretty great.

Hot damn! 2000’s Jess is making a comeback.

kardashsuperhero

I just wanna snatch P right up. I won’t…but I want to.

coltonhaynes

This is Colton Haynes. He doesn’t normally look like this. Respect tha hustle here for transforming into the largest and most disgusting creature in Disney villain history.

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Nina Dobrev bitch facing as Posh.

yonce

Don’t you ever cross Queen Bey or she’ll come at you like this.

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kellyripa

Kelly Ripa’s got a knack for pop culture costumes, IMO.

michael strahan

Michael Strahan as Cookie. FIERCE.

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Josh Duhamel with a gap tooth.

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I’m always pro-T.Swift costume.

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GMA hosts Robin Roberts & TJ Holmes take on the Lyons.

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Bionic hand seals the deal for Aisha Tyler

miranda

Miranda Lambert and co. as the Rockford Peaches. Where Marla Hooch at?

ellen kardashian

Ellen DeGeneres created her own character, Karla Kardashian, who is the reject of the clan and only wears hand-me-downs. Bonus points for originality although we know how I feel about drawing more attention to the Kardash fam.

therock

This seems like an approps costume for someone who naturally has gunz on gunz.

sarahyland

If you have a hot bod like Sarah Hyland it should be mandatory that you go leather bodysuit for Halloween.

jalba

Always jelly of celebs who can get their hands on legit wardrobe for pop culture costumes.

ginarodriguez

Gina Rodriguez shows off cute and cozy.

demi

YAASSSSS TRAP QUEEN.

pink

Pink looks exactly like lil Drew Barrymore.

nicolerichie

Nicole Richie doing up the Nightmare before Christmas creeperoni.

nph

NPH is the family costume magician every year.

channingjenna

His and hers cat in the hats for one of my fave couples

chrissy

Chrissy Teigen as Guy Fieri is perfect and gave her an excuse to do douchey things. I’m all for a costume that lets you get away with being a more obnoxious individual.

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Movies, Television

Oscars 2015 Recap

Not one to miss out on milking this shit for all it’s worth, I of course had to also recap the big kahuna of all awards shows, the Oscars. The Oscars are notorious for being long and boring as shit. There’s not a lot of alcohol, there’s 1 million categories, many of which contain movies in different languages and they’re really serious. Last year Ellen hosted and managed to make it upbeat and snappy and not excruciating. This year I had high hopes that Neil Patrick Harris would pick up where she left off. Unfortunately, he did not. Here are the highs and lows of the Oscars including a little breakdown of NPH’s opener.

NPH’s monologue was a little bit of talking and a WHOLE lot of singing. I’m not into musicals so that didn’t really do it for me. Save it for the Tony’s. He kicks it off with a great joke about Selma getting snubbed: “Tonight we honor the best and whitest–sorry brightest.” and it all goes downhill after that. The musical number is about how great movies are and there’s a lot of green screen graphics, then Anna Kendrick joins in for shits and hey why not Jack Black too? Jack hates on movies though so they kick him offstage and AK throws her shoe at him. At this point I wanted to throw my shoes at my TV, but I held out hope it would pick up.

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Anna Kendrick sang about NPH getting his throat slit in Gone Girl and they shouted it out to the Kanye interruption which I never need to hear a joke about again for the rest of my life. We all need to cut the shit with giving Kanye the attention he so dearly wants.I think the best part of this opening song was when they panned to the crowd and everyone had a blank stare, I’m also pretty sure Jason Bateman was asleep. Look, alive Oscars…there’s more shitty jokes to come! Here are the best and worst moments, neither of which contain a star-studded selfie that broke Twitter (Miss you Ellen).

Highs:

-NPH’s several tux changes were on point.

-JK Simmons wins and tells everyone to call their parents and listen to them for as long as they want to talk and tell them you love them. This went into effect for me immediately when my mom started texting me from her email on her brand new iPhone 6 that she has no idea how to use. Luh yuh Mom, but technology isn’t for you.

-Adam Levine performs “Lost Stars” from Begin Again (when he dabbled in acting) and every woman in America needed a change of undies after he got down on his knees to serenade them.

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-Polish filmmaker won for foreign film “Ida” gave the longest no F’s given speech ever. He rambled on and called out his drunk Polish friends and as the music started to play him off he just shouted over it until the music was like K, you win. Nailed it. This set a precedent for everyone to give absolutely no regards to the orchestra for the rest of the night. If they really wanted someone to get offstage they were going to have to go up there and drag them off. Well played.

-Neil Patrick Harris hit the crowd and was chatting with all of the seat fillers and pretended that Steve Carrell was also one. It was awkward and unfunny but Steve actually rescued this bit as he’s known to do. He was the best at improv club after all.

-Patricia Arquette wins for best supporting actress and is suuuuper out of breath but she manages to get out some Feminist, Girl Power equal pay shoutouts and Queen Meryl pulls her pom poms out from under her seat and almost rushes the stage in excitement. JLo also shakes it for feminism.

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-Common and John Legend perform Glory and bring the house down. John Legend can serenade me with his angel voice until forever. Apparently Hollywood agrees because they get a standing O and lots of tears.

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-The Ultimate CREEP of the night award goes to none other than John Travolta. He started things off hot on the red carpet by getting all up in ScarJo’s biz:

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Then Idina Menzel presented with him, introduced him as Glom Gizingo (Ha-Ha…Get it cause last year he called her Adele Dazeem and we heard about it for the next 7 months?) and he delivered a quick face rape that I had to cover my eyes for. Here’s a friendly tip, Glom, if you want to seem hip and in on the joke, maybe don’t also give everyone the heebie jeebies while you’re at it. Easily the most entertaining moment of the night though watching Idina try to escape his petting with a smile on her face like this was all planned.

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-Glory wins for best song and we find out that Common’s real name is Lonnie Lynn.

-Lady GaGa does a Sound of Music tribute and for once in her life wears a gorgeous dress, doesn’t do anything zany with her hair or makeup and let’s her great singing voice do the talking. I can dig it. Julie Andrews can too because she geeks out over it and they hug it out.

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-Guy with glasses in the hairtastic Birdman crew thanks Larry, his dog, among his children. Seriously why don’t dogs get more shout outs at awards show? They’re more important than your children.

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-“Gone Girl was originally titled ‘Bitches Be Trippin, Yo’”-NPH

-Eddie Redmayne wins best actor which was announced in the most casj fashion ever from Cate Blanchett, “Okie dokey, Smokey, the winner is…” (I’m guessing that wasn’t on the teleprompter.) Anyway, Eddie loses his shit onstage and it’s kinda adorable and kinda frightening at the same time. He pulls it togets long enough to shout it on out to ALS. No ice buckets though.

Lows:

-Tegan & Sara/Lonely Island perform “Everything is Awesome” from the Lego Movie. Apparently children’s movies are now best enjoyed on acid because this performance had strobe lights and bright colored cowboys and stuffed dogs. It was too much.

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Also since when are three goobers who sing about jizzing in their pants and F-ing mermaids allowed to soundtrack a kids movie? I was really holding out for a remix with one of the old classics. It didn’t happen so feel free to listen to them anyway to forget that stupid song about being awesome.

-There’s a whole lotta suicide action at the show and it’s a real downer. Two women win for (something I’ve never seen and therefore quickly forgot) and as the music is aggressively playing them off, one woman says that she lost her son to suicide and we should all talk about it. The music immediately cuts and maybe we should talk about this later? Then Graham Moore from The Imitation Game accepts an Oscar and is all thanks Oprah for my Oscar tralala when I was fifteen I tried to kill myself. He makes it inspiring but things took a sharp turn real quick. The moral of the story is keep being weird and different and alive and you too will one day get to meet Oprah.

-NPH takes to the crowd again to do a bit with David Oyelowo about how nothing is offensive with a British accent (which usually is true, Brits get away with everything cause they sound classy AF) but this time it’s a really lame bit that’s unfunny. C’mon Neil. Actually while we’re on shitty bits, let’s also discuss when he comes out in his tighty whities. We get it, you have abs for days, but was this necessary?

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-This year’s “pizza” joke was the locked box that NPH kept his predictions in that he made before the show even started and then brought it up 100 times throughout the night to assure everyone that they were secure and have not been tampered with. At the end of the night the payoff is a bunch of one liners of specific things that happened throughout the night. It was stupid and drawn out. The only prediction I laughed at was “Travolta will be back again next year to apologize to Idina for all the face touching.”

-Meryl opens up for the In Memoriam segment saying that actors will always be remembered because we have their body of work that will always live on. Basically if you haven’t performed in something everyone will forget you after you die. The In Memoriam segment itself is just a bunch of drawings of dead people set to sad music. WOOooOooF. Then Jennifer Hudson uses her powerhouse voice to honor them. She has slicked back hair that my mom described via text, “must feel yucky to touch.”

-Terence Howard almost cries onstage about Selma and then gets grabby with the mic which obviously causes some feedback. First time on stage bro?

-Sean Penn presents Best Picture to Birdman and announces it gracefully with “Who gave this son of a bitch his green card?” A little racism to end the night on…the director responds with, “Two Mexicans in a row, that’s suspicious I guess.” Yiikes.

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And that completes the 3 1/2 hour portion of my life dedicated to awards shows every Sunday. I hope that you enjoyed my endless recaps and fashion blogs this awards season. We’ll pick up right where we left off when the 500 Country Music Awards start again in a just a few months time. I for one, cannot wait.

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Pop Culture, Television, Uncategorized

Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Fascinating People

Sunday night TV was real slow, so I sat down with Babs to see what hard hitting questions she would throw at the most fascinating people of the year and also for the big reveal of number 1. Did you miss it? No worries, I’ll keep this recap short and sweet, like I wish this special would have been.

Babs starts out her intro with “Hi you may remember me, Barbara Walters.” I didn’t realize we had a stand-up comedian hosting this special. The tone was set for a hilarious two hours. She reminded us that this special was supposed to be retired last year because it is tired and she’s picked the same people every single year forever, but ABC wanted more money so they brought it back thirsty for profits and ratings. (Side Note: Barbara’s suuuper expressive eyes after every few words got REAL creepy, REAL quick.)

Scarlett Johansson: Why she is on this list is baffling to me but she talks about how she’s actually short, she believes relationships are hard and monogamy isn’t natural and she’s open about being in therapy. Babs hears that Scarlett got her start in musical theater and DEMANDS that Scarlett sing a number on the spot despite how uncomfortable Scarlett clearly is with the idea. (Who ever declared that Barbara Walters was GREAT at interviewing was seriously wrong. She’s super awk.) Scarlett sings a little bit and looks like she wants to get the hell out of there. It was snoozeworthy at best.

Neil Patrick Harris: It’s hammered home that Neil can literally do everything, including magic. Coming out to his family was tough at first because his dad thought that he would whore out at clubs, now they’re more accepting. I didn’t realize that Neil came out mid-How I Met Your Mother in 2006 after a tabloid threatened to out him. Pretty aggress. Both him and his husband David fathered a child but they don’t know which kid they’re the biological father of. Babs asked multiple times if they would ever want to find out which kid is biologically theirs and NPH had to say no several times. USE YOUR EARS, BABS.

David Koch: Literally no interest level in this person, I turned my ears off. (Also there was a tech guy included in the special, whose name I already forgot because he was NOT fascinating to me.)

Chelsea Handler: She had to clear the air for the 1000th time that she never wanted to replace Letterman because she’s not a network girl and will never want to be censored or have to follow rules. Revealed that her oldest brother died when she was growing up because he fell off of a cliff and this is possibly why her dad is such a maniac. Good ole Chels got a DUI when she was 21 and had recently moved to Hollywood and in her class that she was required to take afterward she got up and was telling stories and someone told her she should be a standup and that’s where that came about. Love that hot mess. She said she would consider getting married just to try it for a little bit. Babs told Chels with her eyes that it was wrong to be so slutty and loose. Judgement city.

Oprah: Barbara reminds us that she’s interviewed Oprah four million times. Oprah has no regrets about not having kids, her and Stedman are still going strong. O talks about being sexually assualted at a young age and then becoming skanktastic and getting pregnant at 14 and being sent to live with her dad who told her he’d rather have her dead than pregnant. Uh oh. Surprise! Oprah ended up losing the baby and it became her “second chance” and her life became completely different. Babs and Oprah slobber all over each other and talk about how they’re obsessed with each other and end the interview with a creepy smile handshake.

Michael Strahan: Michael used to be a heffer, Jane Fonda tapes made him skinny. He’s been married a couple of times and the first marriage was casj and they’re still friends, the second marriage ended wooftastic and it was in the tabs that he was gay or he cheated and Michael proved to be a real stand-up guy, kept quiet and took all the backlash because he didn’t want to disgrace his kids. He also never wants to fix the gap in his teeth. (B.Walterz really digs deep with her questions.)

George RR Martin: I can’t physically listen to this guy talk because I have never seen/read Game of Thrones. Literally no idea what he’s talking about half the time. Apparently he finds it offensive when people say he’s going to croak before he finishes writing the series. I wonder why he would find that offensive…

Taylor Swift: This interview was WAY too short. Basically they talked played out questions, Tay told America that every time they say she’s gonna write a song about a boy it’s the oldest joke and basically the media is a bunch of sexist pigs because they would never say that about men writing about their personal lives. GET EM TAY. Also she talks about how in the past five years she hasn’t been alone (YIKES), kicking it with her fans at her houseS and looking at their instagrams keeps her grounded and she DOES drink alcohol, she’s 25 after all. Also she’s serious about being single these days (yawn).

DRUMROLL PLEASE. The most fascinating person according to Ms. Barbara Walters is Amal (Alamuddin) Clooney. Here’s what I don’t understand…she just talks about Amal. There is no interview, I’m assuming there’s no consent from Amal so WHAT is the point of this? Instead Bab’s shows a bunch of clips of her interviewing George Clooney and basically makes it all about him and how he swore up and down that he would never get married and all the people that he dated since he said that. I’m sure this was really uplifting for Amal, as she watches the segment about her that Barbara Walters clearly just googled and reported over a backdrop of public photos in a slideshow. What a crock of bullshit. You tricked us all, Babs. (Just me? Oh ok.)

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Pop Culture

Halloween-Hollywood Style

Love or hate Halloween, don’t tell me you’re not on the edge of your seat every year waiting to see what celeb thinks they can get away with blackface. Just me? Whatevs, here’s a random collection of celeb Halloween costumes from this year worst to best:

PS: Celebs having a full team for hair, makeup & wardrobe and mailing it in for Halloween is TOTES BS by the way.

nicki

In case you were ever wondering what Halloween is to Nicki, it’s literally just like every other day. Please T it down.

kylie

She’s 17.

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Katy Perry as a cheeto. Crunchy nonetheless. I gotta go get my Chex Mix costume ready for next year. Bai.

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Kim is really tame now, guys, cause I don’t know if you’ve heard, but SHE’S A MOM.

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Payment for snagging a Vogue cover this year orrrr just kissing major ass?

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Ellen vs. Meredith. Battle of Daytime TV Hosts. THE DRAMA IS SO REAL.

hilduff

A Cinderella Story flashbacks. Do you think anyone could recognize her? (IT’S HILARY DUFF, GUYS)

riri

1. Shocked she’s not naked. 2. RiRi COMMITTED with the green paint.

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Goldie Hawn & Kate Hudson dressed like hoes at the bar. #motherdaughterbonding

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Gisele & Tom Brady. Actual question, how can they see?

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That caption though.

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WHERE IS THE REST OF N*SYNC?!

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Yes MJ Blue Ivy, yes. The first time I’ve ever disregarded Beyonce in a picture.

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We all know how I feel about kids but North West and Penelope Disick as skunks is adorbsies.

nph

Neil Patrick Harris & fam never disappoint.

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Ed Sheeran. This is spot on.

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Iggy Azalea as herself.

todayshow

The Today Show as SNL characters was great, especially since no one had to see Matt Lauer’s junk in women’s clothes.

hoda&kathie

If you didn’t laugh at this picture I don’t think we can be friends.

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We get it Heidi Klum, you win Halloween every year. Do less.

Now wasn’t that better than going through your Facebook feed and mourning the loss of college Halloweekend slop city and/or looking at 1 million baby’s first halloween pictures?

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