God I’m so sick of talking about babies. But it’s Ed. And he doesn’t even use social media. He’s completely off the grid and popped back on to announce a surprise baby and obviously this is big juicy news regardless of if I’m sick of the Hollywood baby boom or not. Plus he decided to post a photo in color of some very drab looking socks and blanket. Would I have preferred a peep at this baby to see if she inherited his bright orange hair? OBVIOUSLY. But is this better than another black and white hands grasping or baby feet complete lack of creativity? YES TIMES A MILLION. Now onto that name…Lyra Antarctica Seaborn Sheeran. Again, much like Chris Pratt…why are we punishing these children with two last names? WITH A MIDDLE NAME LIKE ANTARCTICA? This is a crime. Lyra means harp which I guess is fitting for a musician. It’s not the worst I’ve ever heard like ANTARCTICA is. Honestly I don’t even know how to spell that. I had to google it to find out what exactly it is so I could properly reference it (I’m growing dumber by the second, deal with it.) It’s a continent, geography lesson for us all, and let me double down that there is no worse way to tell a child where you conceived them than to name them after the place. NO child should be burdened with the thought of their parents having relations on vacation to make them from birth. Uh uh, not cool.
2. Chadwick Boseman.
This news came through Friday night and honestly I didn’t want to kick of this week’s news with a death even though this was huge shocking celebrity news. For the entirety of his career, Chadwick has been battling colon cancer privately. That is NUTS. Think about the toll that cancer takes on someone’s body. Then think about what working on a movie would look like. Add in an action movie. He’s doing all of this strenuous work, getting his body into physical shape, long hours, then he’s going out in public on a press tour for each movie. That’s EXHAUSTING and he was doing it all while secretly dealing with cancer destroying his body. Since I’m uncultured and don’t watch many movies outside of the Netflix rom com bubble, I hadn’t seen any movies that Chadwick was in. So I can’t speak to his acting abilities or say that I’m super familiar with his work. From what I’ve read he was a good guy all around visiting children with terminal cancer to spread positivity and make their day when he was struggling himself. And more recently he posted a picture looking sick and was immediately jumped on in Internet comment-land for having a drug problem because of his appearance. It’s a tragic loss no matter how you look at it and if you’ve figured it out by now, I’m not so eloquent with the words when it comes to serious things. So as always, I’ll defer to the things that I found people sharing about his death that I found really moving and important to share.
3. Adele ya dead?
Ya mon. (This joke will hit with the very specific crowd that loved Cool Runnings as much as I did growing up.) I looked up this picture and 100% expected it to be deleted because obviously it received a lot of backlash. I think I respect Adele even more knowing that she left it up and said F off to the Jamaican haters. First of all, this is the most direct and obvious “I’ve lost probably 100 lbs and my body is in the best shape of it’s life” flex. Girl posted a bikini shot with a side of a casual “missing this event” caption. It’s like when someone posts a bikini shot in February and is like MISS THE SUMMER. THIRST TRAP CITY. Except that Adele’s version of a thirst trap also includes some questionably cultural appropriation hair knots. People were mad online about this Jamaican themed Adele. How dare she be white and dress like this?! And I’m like how dare her stomach be this flat?! Like this comes right back to the fact that she’s probably on a VERY strict diet and I ate a hamburger with an egg and cheese on top of it last night so this level of fit is completely out of reach for me. Anyway, you don’t have a Jamaican headline without Hanx’s son Chet poppin out of nowhere to pipe up. You may not know Chet, as he is only famous for being Tom Hanks’ wayward son, but let me refresh you on some of his work:
As a resident whitey offending the Jamaicans, he has responded…
Listen, at this point I’m thoroughly enjoying this. This is one of the more ridiculous things I’ve blogged and I feel great about it. We needed a break from the babies before I became a full-blown mommy blogger and this is EXACTLY the break we needed. Adele just wanted to show everyone how she’s lost weight virtually everywhere but her knockers and shout out her Jamaican buds in a tasteful fashion forward move and now she’s poked the bear. The bear being Chet the Jamaican clown who I can assure you embarrasses Tom Hanks by his existence. Like think about how wholesome and Dad-like Tom Hanks is. When someone tells an off-color or mildly offensive joke at an awards show, this is his reaction:
WHAT IS HIS REACTION WHEN HE LISTENS TO HIS SON SPEAK IN A JAMAICAN ACCENT?! Need to know. Until then, FEEL THE RHTHYM, FEEL THE RHYME…
4. Back to Babies.
Again, you know how I feel about all of the baby news as of late but that’s not going to stop me from reporting it. When a celeb gets knocked up, you’ll hear it from The Salty Ju and that’s for damn tootin. ESPECIALLY when it’s a good ole fashioned oops baby. Last week we talked about Zayn and Gigi’s oopsie, this week it’s Emma Roberts and Garrett Hedlund. These two have been dating for about a year and a half and the People article that I read announcing the pregnancy said a “source said they were keeping it casual and just having fun.” Nothing casual about a baby! Welcome to the real deal, folks! PS, related but not really related…Emma previously made headlines for being in a toxic relashe with Evan Peters and being engaged. Their dirty laundry was getting aired with their several breakups and then Evan Peters went on to date Halsey (perhaps he has a thing for the complicated ladies?) but either way, you can’t believe everything you hear and yet I don’t think it comes out of thin air either. Jus sayin…
5. Channing Does Children’s Books.
We get it, Chan. You can do it all. You’ve got the dancing, acting, sense of humor, buff body and now you’re just an adorable girl dad who wrote a freaking book called Sparkella. Yawn. You’re just the perfect beef sammy catch, dad of the year. I mean seriously is this picture just designed for panting single (or maybe not single but v. sex deprived) moms? “Here’s what I’m thinking guys, I do dress up like I’m a 6 year old girl, but then I also make sure everyone has a clear shot of my ‘ceps and pecs.” SOLD. As someone who has just written a book (like I wrote all of the words on my own and didn’t work with an illustrator to fill pages with pictures) and have seen how it’s virtually impossible to get a book published excuse me if I’m a little bitter that a celebrity got bored and was like Ho-Hum guess I’ll just write a book and then everyone will buy it immediately because I’m hot and famous. As I send a text to my sister asking if she’ll take a topless pic of me to promote my book… Can’t hurt, right?
BONUS: Just doing my civic duty, keeping you up to date on the comings and goings of the rap music video world. And Present Day Justin Bieber playing Past Life Justin Bieber. Self awareness is key in H’wood. Couldn’t tell you who is more annoying in this music video, JB or DJ ANOTHA ONE Khaled. Tough call.
And more importantly, my biggest accomplishment of not only the summer but probably my life…becoming a biker that shouts ON YOUR LEFT to get idiot people out of my way. It was a huge step for me and took about 5 different people sneering at me or telling me I “needed to speak up” when biking out in the wild. So now I scream it at the top of my lungs and scare everyone off of the path. ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE.
I make a lot of playlists with pick-me-up lyrics or peppy foot stompin’ beats because what I love about music is that it has a real way of lifting people out of the dumps and making you want to groove. But sometimes you very much want to exist solely in those dumps and wallow in their stinkiness. And never a discriminatory playlister, I made this one for you. It’s equivalent to popping on The Notebook when you need a good cry. Get in touch with this playlist when you want to sob your face off and feel sorry for your single-never-gonna-find-true-love ass. Then when it’s done, mop up your snot, take a shower, put on a red lip and pop on over to my Bitch, I’m Limited Edition playlist for a confidence boost.
1. Dreaming With A Broken Heart – John Mayer. I’ve never hidden my very public boner for John Mayer’s album Continuum as a whole piece of art that I want to crawl inside of and listen to on repeat forever. It also, happens to be a breakup album. Turns out ole Johnny boy really hit his stride when he was in heart turmoil. I wish he hit his stride by playing it in full when I saw him in concert last year instead of choosing to play it for dirty NYC instead. But obviously I’m not still holding onto that bitterness (I 100% am.) Every song off of this album is amazing–except Waiting on the World to Change because I’m not a hippie. However, nothing quite screams depression like his very detailed description of what it’s like to sleep when you’re heartbroken and wake up and remember that you lost the love of your life. If you’d also like a visual of that to really make sure your heart feels full of holes, look no further than this performance to it from So You Think You Can Dance (100 years ago.) The male lead in it is now the official DJ of The Ellen (soon to be cancelled) Show.
2. Everybody Hurts – R.E.M. I honestly had forgotten completely about this song until I read a romance novel last night cleverly titled “Beach Read” (10/10 would recommend) and the guy blasts this song at his birthday party and gets roasted by his soon to be love interest REAL hard for how depressing this song is. And it’s SUCH a quintessential cry song. I mean even Dwight Schrute popped this classic on with his windows rolled down in the parking lot when Michael Scott was giving more attention to Ryan the temp. Sometimes when you embarrassingly have tears streaming down your face, it’s comforting to know that EVERYBODY CRIIIIIIIEEEESSSSS.
3. It’s All Coming Back To Me Now – Celine Dion. I’ve never been more confident in my car concert performance skills than I am with this song. I will never ever get the words right no matter HOW hard I try to learn them, and yet people are MOVED by the notes I’m able to hit right up there with my girl Celine. This song is all about emotion. You breathe deep from your belly and let that sadness and regret come screaming out. Crying can certainly be a therapeutic release, but nothing will ever top the buildup of AND I BANISHED EVERY MEMORY YOU AND I HAD EVER MADEEEEEEEEEEE to go back down to a soft sadness of “but when you touch me like this.” I got goosebumps just thinking of it and now I think I’ll need to take my car for a spin down I-90 for a little cathartic Celine solo sesh.
4. What Hurts the Most – Rascal Flatts. Nobody knows heartbreak like country singers and that seems pretty obvious. This one’s a heart-wrenching song about trying to get through each day but the worst part being the regret. Oof. Let that tasty nugget sink in and simmer in your overactive brain before bed. Nope, just me? Cool, cool, cool.
5. I Don’t Know You Anymore – Savage Garden. About 0.01% of you will know this song. In fact, I would go out on a limb here and say about half of this playlist is obscure sad songs. I really dug deep for this. And that’s exclusively because this playlist is subjective and since it’s my blog and I write whatever I feel like writing about, I get to do that! I get to force the songs that I’ve cried to for years right in your faces and say HAH, check out these sobworthy tales that you may have never discovered before. Savage Garden became my crying CD (I believe they only made one) via my sister Nikki. Shoutout to her for passing down the sad. Whenever mom and dad were mean and punished me or a boy tripped me instead of smiling at me when I had a raging crush on him, I smashed play on the ole Savvy G. They just GET me, yaknow?! Just kidding, they just happen to have mellow delicate voices that soothe a sobbing pre-teen into a lull and make her relate her dumb 11 year old problems to adult tales of loss and abusive relationships (Two Beds and a Coffee Machine will make you want to rip your eyeballs out from sadness.)
6. Someone Like You – Adele. Ah yes, the fiery Brit with pipes beyond belief who started churning out breakup songs right out the gate. Nothing will make you sit and ponder life and stare out into the abyss like a deep Adele song. Even though I’m anticipating what type of music glow-up Adele will be releasing into the wild in the near future, this is a nice nod to her early days on the scene. Her voice is like a warm cup of tea that you immediately want to cry into.
7. Happier – Ed Sheeran. Honestly just hearing the beginning notes of this song makes me want to immediately burst into tears. Having someone love you so much that they just want to see you happy is the ultimate thing and YET that’s nearly impossible. WHO THE HELL WANTS TO SEE THAT? I’d rather go blind than see someone I was happy as a clam with being happy as a clam with someone else (probably on social media because that’s where people want to show that they’re SUH hAPpY.) Obviously this is why I’m a terrible human being and Ed is a phenomenal one. He even displayed this selfless unconditional love via puppets and balloons in the music video. A puppet could never date a balloon anyway so it’s for the best that she left his ass.
8. Reminds Me of You – Van Morrison. Normally when I make mixes I sprinkle the sads throughout and what I’m realizing is that having a playlist JUST FULL OF SADS is probably how people end up offing themselves. Please don’t do that. Crying is good. Wallowing with ice cream is encouraged. Watching a movie on Netflix where SPOILER ALERT you know the ending has the lead dying in the twin towers on September 11th (shoutout Remember Me) so you don’t have to see a happy ending is self-care. Listening to the depressing crooning of Van Morrison reminding you that everything in your life reminds you of your ex lover is NECESSARY.
9. You’ll Think Of Me – Keith Urban. This is a nice balance from Keith. It’s a little bit of GFY, mixed in with some feeling down and out. Keith has been cheated on and he’d like to remind this hussy ass ho that one day she’s going to circle back to him with regret and love and he’ll be like HAH no thanks. And that’s a nice mentality to have. An even better mentality to have, is thinking for SEVERAL years that he was singing “take your cat and leave my sweater” and that was HIGHLARIOUS to me. I think I grew to love this song even more just from believing that Keith was telling his girl to kick rocks and take her stupid cat with her too. Since I cannot stand the existence of cats, leaving one behind in a breakup seems like a normal thing to do because cats are assholes and probably would just hiss at you if you ever tried to cry and snuggle with them anyway. Nobody wants that cat. Or, if you finally google the lyrics for accuracy (10+ years later)…nobody wants that cap. Who the hell says CAP anyway?! It’s a hat, Keith. Or for our friends up north, a toque.
10. Breathe – Melissa Etheridge. I was scrolling through my iTunes library and had completely forgotten about this gem of a song. When I refreshed my memory with a play, I couldn’t fathom a boohoo playlist without it. I don’t think there’s ever been a MORE dramatic chorus than “I’m all right, I’m all right, it only hurts when I breathe.” Can you IMAGINE saying that to someone’s face. Like hey how ya doing? Oh I’m alright, it only hurts when I breathe. I LOVE THAT. I LIVE FOR THE DRAMA. This seems like something I would’ve written in my middle school journal. And I KNOW for a fact that I used it as an AIM away message. Everyone buzz off, the act of being alive is hurting me right now.
11. Amnesia – 5 Seconds of Summer. I thought it might be nice to hop from a rock n roll lesbian who my parents can’t get enough of, to an edgy boy band with a variety of shades of neon hair. Something for everyone to get their sad face on to! This song that this band 9000% did not write grapples with the idea of wishing we could just erase our brains completely because having memories makes heartbreak one trillion times worse. A little Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for your eardrums.
12. Hurts Like Hell – Wrabel. This one can probably go hand in hand with ya gurl Mel. Not only does it hurt when I breathe but it HURTS LIKE HELL. This is for the lingering case of the sads that lasts for several years and WOOF does that suck. Bet Wrabel wish they had amnesia, amirite?!
13. Drunk Me – Mitchell Tenpenny. I try to stay away from substance abuse when I know a stiff breeze could make my eyes unstoppable waterfalls of sadness and Mitchell seems to feel the same way. He’s not really into drinking when he’s going through a breakup because booze brings out all his emotions and also THERE AiN’T nO HaNGoVeR like you, gurl. And ain’t that the truth. Also, I genuinely get crippling hangovers and fun fact: alcohol is a depressant so getting more sad the day after is typically how that bitch ruins your weekend and you end up needing to turn on Teen Mom to see someone who’s struggling harder than you so you can find the strength to get up off the couch and make some Kraft Mac & Cheese.
14. Walking on Broken Glass – Annie Lennox. Yeah I could be shouting out our current lady popstars who know how to twist the knife BUT it seems like today’s generation is much more forgiving and less about the poor me’s. And that’s great and all, good for them, girl power, THANK U NEXT, I needed to LOSE you to LOVE me. But first, I need the wah wah’s. I need to feel V. sorry for myself before I can snap my fingers and declare that everything I need is standing right in front of me as I look in the mirror like Demi Lovato. And that’s where Annie comes into play. Annie’s like this sucks so bad it literally feels like I’m stepping directly onto shards of glass. YES, QUEEN. First we cry and make everyone feel sorry for our hardships, and then we sweep that glass up (when we’re ready and done feeling our feels) and pop in the Kelly Clarkson tell-off anthems.
15. Let Her Go – Passenger. Naturally songs are one of those things that can transport us right back to a place that we heard it first or a time in our life. This song brings me back to Fall of 2013. I had just graduated college and was living in an apt in Saratoga Springs with my dad and I was the MOST unemployed. (Kinda like now, it’s the CIIIIIRCLLEEE OF LIIIIFEEEEE.) Every morning I would get up, make myself a cup of coffee and turn on VH1 because they played music videos in the morning and I would start my job searching for the day. This song was hot to trot in their artsy new releases on VH1 (yes I realize I just admitted being into the morning equivalent of TRL in 2013, but I LOVE MUSIC VIDEOS, SUE ME) and it played quite literally every single day. And every time I heard it I teared up. What a sad ass song and this guy, who I can only assume never released a song again, has the sad ass voice to go with it. Either way, I soaked in the sad as I tried to convince someone to hire me. So whether it’s 2013 or 2020, you’ll find me crooning AND YOU LET HER GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO as my laptop becomes soaked with tears.
16. Incomplete – Backstreet Boys. Historically speaking country crooners have been the best at relaying their heartbreak and typically somehow involving alcohol (cough cough whiskey lullaby) but a hat tip to the boy bands as well, because you’ll be hard pressed to find more dramatic sadboi lyrics than this song right here. Plus, 5 guys singing their hearts out about swimming in an ocean all alone really packs a punch. I think the appropriate way to blubber to this song is on your knees staring up at the sky while it downpours directly into your face. Tears mixing with rain. You’re welcome. Without that visual, your life was incomplete.
17. I’m Never Getting Over You – Gone West. Gone West put out exactly one album before they broke up as a band and ironically enough, it was two couples who had formed together and one of the couples also broke up. And even more ironically, their album was all about breakups. SO GONE WEST KNOWS A THING OR TWO ABOUT HEARTBREAK. Absolutely recommend giving their album a listen because they’re not all downers (shout out Confetti for being an upbeat breakup tune) and also because you’ll apparently never hear what they sound like as a band ever again. Colbie Callait and her bubbly ass ruined everything and I’ll never get over it.
18. Someone You Loved – Lewis Capaldi. I’d liken Lewis to a little bit of an Ed Sheeran but I’m guessing that offends him. But he is British just like Ed and does have some orange-ish unfortunate looking hair like Ed. And also he’s a phenomenal singer-songwriter. This one became a smash this past summer and made me want to curl up in a ball and die every time I heard it. In all of the good ways, of course. Like when the day bleeds into nightfall and you’re ALONE.
19. Un-Break My Heart – Toni Braxton. This is such a cocky way to be sad and I respect Toni for it. It’s not like ugh my life sucks and I’m walking on broken glass and I’ll probably die alone. It’s like no you better come over here and fix this. You did this. Reverse-REVERSE it. That wasn’t at typo. Ever since the Cupid Shuffle was beaten into my brain at middle school dances and weddings with shitty DJ’s I’ve been physically incapable of saying the word reverse without shouting in my head REVERSE, REVERSE! So now it’s time to get funky with it and un break Toni’s G-D heart and uncry her tears because far too many have been shed and I’m SICK OF IT.
20. The Scientist – Coldplay. I’m not sure if there’s anything that sounds more like giving up than “take me back to the start.” Thank you so much Chris Martin for giving us that gift along with “no one ever said it would be this hard” because you know what? There’s no adequate warning for how much being sad sucks until you’ve lived through it. It’s impossible to go back to the start though (cause, science) so let’s get right in our feelings and sob our way through.
21. Gone – *NSYNC. I’ve used this song on my Boy Bands Slow Jamz playlist (shameless plug, another sick mix of tunes) but it’s so heart-wrenching it deserves to be recycled on here. When you have five guys harmonizing over why you left, you know they must be sad. WHAT DID THEY DO TO MAKE YOU LEAVE?! Seriously though, if you’re all out of tears at this point, the least you can do is nail JT’s howling OHHOHHHOHHHOHHHHHH at the 3:50 minute mark. Make sure you get up in the high register at the end with a little rasp. Never mind…I’ll take it from here. Nothing brings me more joy than playing JT’s part in this song going from depressed as hell to angry and repeating what everyone else is singing with an aggressive tone. SITTIN HERE. TO GET YOU OFF OF MY MIND. MY BEST TO BE A MAN. Ok I’m done. DONEEEE.
22. All Too Well – Taylor Swift. I realize that Taylor just released an entire album of sad and dramatic breakup songs and almost all of them could make this ugly cry list (lookin specifically at exhile and my tears ricochet) and that obviously she’s written a bajillion breakup songs and there’s a reason why everyone thinks she’s just a big ole serial dater crushing hearts left and right…BUT…there is only one breakup song in Taylor Swift world that trumps them all. And there is only one breakup song ever that is quite possibly the greatest masterpiece of all time. And it is All Too Well. The details of falling in love and basically tying it in with the leaves dying in the fall…I mean, she made a breakup a SEASON. And rightfully so. The dramatics of the piano and getting REAL heated and the sadness when she drops back down again to remember it all too well. I could talk about this song for the rest of my life and it still wouldn’t be enough. I’ve performed it solo in my car, hands slamming on the steering wheel even more than I’ve screeched Celine’s flashes of light. I’ve used the lyrics when I wanted to get a dramatic point across. And when I went through my own breakups, I ugly cried my damn face off to it remembering my own moments singing in the car (this song ironically) getting lost upstate–she was OBVIOUSLY singing about upstate NY. This is the pinnacle of breakup boohoo songs, so do yourself a favor and lay there like a crumpled up piece of paper and let the loss of Jake Gyllenhaal (or whatever dum dum who dumped you and will never compare to Jake) course through your veins.
Since I can’t go like five minutes without voicing my opinion, I’ve decided to round up a quick recap of last night’s Grammys. Why? Because if I have to sit through 15 hours of television, I reserve the right to dissect every single thing that happened as if I am an expert on all things awards shows. So in no particular order, here are the top five things that happened last night when I turned 35 watching a bunch of celebrities sing on TV.
1. I’m on Hiatus from the Hive.
Just like every other basic bitch in America, I love Beyonce. She’s super rich, puts out bangers, and kind of scares me a little bit. Well, I’m also real enough to admit when she’s doing too much. Telling her husband to suck on her balls and stop cheating on her via song? Funny and cool. Wearing a gold headdress and doing an entire performance with children laughing and a recording of your own voice whispering a speech? Creepy AF. Performing her most snoozeworthy songs chopped up with her talking about women and moms while she sits like a robot on a tipping chair was enough. Even Blue was like ok, mom, wrap it up. After those weird pregnancy announcement photos I was on the fence and then everything she did at the Grammys last night tipped me over the edge. I’m using this platform to announce to you all that I’m taking a break, Ross and Rachel style, from the Beyhive. Will I be back the minute she sneezes those babies out? Obviously. But for right now I think it’s time that we see other people.
2. John Travolta is still oblivious.
It seems like we drag up Johnny T every year to collectively have a laugh at his expense at a major awards show. We’ve had him stroking out over Idina Menzel at the Oscars and then trying to get in on the joke the year after. Last night it was a pleasure to watch him and his diamond chainz read off of index cards because the teleprompter type isn’t big enough for his old person eyes. I want to believe that he’s self-aware and knows everything he does is weird but at the same time I know in my heart that John thinks he’s real life Danny Zuko, cool as a cucumber while all of Hollywood makes fun of him. And somehow that makes it better.
3. No Red Sox Fans in Hollywood.
We all knew it was coming, but I don’t think anyone expected it to be this awkward. Like Ellen’s Oscar selfie, it’s always a bigger host win if they can get as many famous people to play into a bit as possible. Unfortunately for James, I don’t think he anticipated not one single person knowing the words to Sweet Caroline. Even Neil Diamond was struggling and they were all clearly reading the lyrics off of a teleprompter. They didn’t even nail the SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD and drunk people in a bar can crush that! It was such a trainwreck that even Blue Ivy bopped over to see what all the fuss was. Apparently she thinks that just because she was born into the Illuminati she can crash a carpool karaoke sesh and then not sing when the mic is given to her. She better learn to start hamming it up real soon or she’ll be forgotten as soon as these twins are born.
We always need someone in the audience to watch and although CBS wanted it to be Keith Urban with the amount that they panned to him grooving out, the real winner was Rihanna and her booze. If I had to sit through that awards show and look entertained with cameras on me you better believe that I’m gonna be tossing back shots from a diamond flask. At one point she literally goes, I think it’s time for another shot. I almost wished I was drinking last night so that RiRi didn’t have to do shots alone. I am nothing if not a polite social drinker. Never let your friend take a solo shot, that’s my motto.
Adele snuck right up to being my favorite person at the Grammys last night. At first I was like ok, Hello is the oldest song ever I don’t need to hear it again. But then she pulled a boss move by casually stopping her George Michael trib, tossing around a couple of F bombs and declaring a redo. It makes me love her even more knowing that she has a garbage can mouth because I don’t know if you know this about me, but I too appreciate a good swear word and if world class singer Adele can pull that shit and get a standing O, THEN SO CAN I. (Mom and Dad- pls remember that the next time I accidentally swear in your presence.) Anyway, Adele then went on to win all of the awards and slobber all over Beyonce in the process. Quickest way to make sure Beyonce fans don’t instantly hate you? Declare in your acceptance speech that Beyonce should’ve won and that’s obvious. Adele is always one step ahead.
Bonus: Ed working that loop like nobody’s biz. It’s no Castle on the Hill but I accept.
I would’ve done a red carpet except that I only found roughly 14 pictures and I hated them all. It’s kind of hard to post a blog specifically to razz celebrity outfits when I looked like this while watching the awards last night (and all day out in public yesterday.)
So instead I’ll give you the full recap breaking down the LoLz and the things that frankly were a NO (Meghan Trainor style) for me. YA NEED TO LET IT GO.
The Weeknd won the first award and in his speech he spoke highly of Prince with, “I didn’t know him but I was close to him.” This sincerely made me laugh out loud.
Shawn Mendes did a supes emosh performance of Stitches that gave me all the feels. I’m already pretty sick of that song but watching him get down and dirty with it was worth it.
Speaking of Worth It, Fifth Harmony showed off how skilled they are at patting the puss Erika Jayne style AND dropping it low. They simultaneously showed off how unskilled they are at singing. Props for this song being a better version of Rihanna’s WERKWERKEWERKWERKWERK annoyingness though. And for suddenly turning at-home-jobs suuuper dirrrty.
Without even knowing it, I took a bathroom break right as Gwen and Blake were performing. So props to me for having a perfectly timed bladder emergency because if I had to sit through that whole butchering of music I would’ve ripped my ears clean off my head. We get it, guys. You’re together. A couple does not a musical collaboration make.
This is what Lukas Graham looks like. And this song bangs. Plus he actually sang it IRL.
Celine gets the icon award and sings “The Show Must Go On” with a full orchestra and a champagne glitter dress. I mean it was obviously phenomenal but seriously, GIVE US THE HITS, CELINE! Billboard really banked on the waterworks by bringing out her son Rene Charles to present the award and she lost it. What a bunch of assholes these producers are. SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH. When Celine cries everyone cries. She apologizes and throws up a trib to her late husband. PS Her son is only 15, ya pervs. But he can give me a buzz in like 7 years.
The Go Go’s Reunion added some much-needed mom jamz into the mix. Watching those sassy middle aged women mom snap all over the stage was gr8. Also reminded me of the days when my mom would play The Bangles for us and we would crush the choreography. Meanwhile, every tween in the audience checked Twitter during this number.
Adele looked like a dime piece in the “Send my Love (to your new lover)” music video. Otherwise it was boring AF.
Rihanna wore a furry animal’s tail around her neck and double decker sunglasses to do a slow jam in green lighting. It wasn’t Work and it wasn’t Bitch Better Have My Money so it was welcome by me.
Demi SLAY BITCH Lovato:
Ariana brought out her bad gurl side.
Britney is the opener because the show is in Vegas and she currently has a residency there. I guess I missed the part where she turned into a full on robot because her dancing was cringeworthy during this medley of hits. Lip syncing was really on point though. Hey is there a show where celebrities can dress up, dance terribly and not sing? Her body’s still tight as hell, so at least she’s got that going for her.
As new host, Ciara shakes her lady bits all over the stage while Russell Wilson nutted just from watching, front row. (They don’t have sex, guys.) Even Luda was like CHECK OUT DEM LEGS, GUYS. As he mopped up drool slobbering from his mouth.
Pink tossed it back to the year 2014 when she graced every awards show with an acrobatic ribbon routine. Except this time she just whipped through the crowd on a spinning clock, touched onstage to sing her song then was lifted with a clock hand at the end. SO ALICE IN WONDERLAND. SO OVER IT.
Tove Lo and Nick Jonas pitched their way through “Close” and then teased a smooch at the end. Tongue was honestly the only thing that could’ve saved that performance. Except Nick couldn’t even reach her mouth. Wittle guy.
Kesha gives this dramatic and controversial performance (cough cough Dr. Luke) and yet WEARS A HIDEOUS WHITE SUIT WITH GLITTER DECALS AND BANGS. Like I get that it’s frowned upon to talk shit about this because she’s been through some shit this year but come on. Ben Folds tickled the ivories and she covered a Bob Dylan song. At least she changed it up and showed she actually has a good voice.
Madonna sings “Nothing Compares 2 U” for Prince. Stevie Wonder then stumbled out for a little Purple Rain. It was just like…fine.
The song is obviously a banger and the video gives the ladies what they want: double the Brett. ALSO a pure bonus is the fact that Brett’s brother makes a cameo and is equally as sexy as Brett. Two thumbs up and fine holiday fun to the Eldredge brothers. I wouldn’t mind being the meat in that sandwich. Too much? Too little? Just enough?
2. Adele’s Got Flow
What did we learn on the latest edition of Carpool Karaoke? Adele misses her mouth just as much as I do when drinking. *Stars, they’re just like us* She’s a closet rapper. She kind of talks like Eliza Doolittle. I want to be her friend…especially if she gets drunk and hands people money. Also James has got some pipes apparently? Even Adele was impressed. PS OF COURSE IT WAS RAINING IN ENGLAND. Double PS, Posh & Nicki approve:
The nominations for the most boring and lengthy awards show ever have been announced and apparently it was a little heavy on the whites. I can’t comment to any of the nominations specifically because I watch movies like The Duff and have not seen one single flick in the running. However, if Leo doesn’t take home the W, we strike. (JK I’ll never strike. I’m much too obsessed with myself to ever starve the world of my opinions during awards season.) Anyway, back on topic, the lack of diversity among nominees just guarantees us some edgier and “funny because it’s true” material from host Chris Rock. Don’t let us down, Chris. Also pls try to tell inapprops jokes without swear words or else we’ll be forced to listen to the bleep button all night again like a bunch of preschoolers.
Chelsea Handler ended her talk show on E a couple years ago so that she could sign a deal with Netflix for standup and an original series, where she apparently just tries different things each episode. Unfortunately, the first one is where she literally just does drugs. I think it’s time to call it a wrap on my girl Chels. I’ve read all her books and used to religiously watch her show but like c’mon, I don’t need to see her do hallucinogens. Plus, that little nugget Chuy is nowhere to be found creepily calling her Miss Chelsea. No thanks.
5. Friends Reunion-NAHT.
It’s a REAL slow news week, and therefore I’m going to rant so hard. Hey everyone on Facebook, this is not a real Friends reunion. Some of the actors from Friends (and Will & Grace) are gathering to talk about a director and that’s that. If I see one more Buzzfeed or status about how everyone’s peeing their pants in excitement for a Friends comeback I’m going to lose my shit. Friends isn’t coming back. I want you to think long and hard about what you’ve done to not make this happen.
RIP 1D (for real this time…probably.) Remember them fondly through this music video, handpicked by the biggest directioner I know.
Also since I feel so bad about this week’s JUice being mud, please accept this adorable vid of dog BFF’s hugging as a consolation prize:
It has been announced that Friday Night Lights will go the musical way much like The OC and Cruel Intentions AND Scott Porter will play Coach Taylor. No. Thank. You. Look, FNL is the stuff. It’s the greatest show ever made and Coach Taylor is the best football coach in the world. WE DON’T NEED TO SING ABOUT IT. I have a low tolerance for breaking into song mid-sentence and I’m not seeing how a show that featured roughly 2 songs the entire series could ever make song and dance believable in the story line. ALSO Kyle Chandler is Coach Taylor and Coach Taylor is Kyle Chandler. No one else should ever utter that famous phrase, regardless of if they’re a Dillon insider or not.
2. Grease Live first peek.
I realize the contradiction of shitting all over a musical above and then hyping this one but Grease is a STAPLE. How else are girls going to learn that wearing leather pants and red lipstick while smoking a ciggy will ALWAYS get you yo man? Anyway, the cast looks gr8. I mean Julianne Hough is pretty much perfect for Sandy. Even Vanessa Hudgens surprised me as Rizzo. There’s a strong possibility that I watch this to see how it plays out chemistry-wise. Here they are hand jivin it up to get you on board.
3. Magic Mike Wedding.
Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello got hitched last weekend and in a surprising move, Sofia posted all wedding photos on her personal Instagram. Boss move by her to be like hey it’s my wedding and I’ll do what I damn please with the pics. She obviously looked bangin body-wise but I’m not fully understanding the concept of the wings on each side of her dress. Anyway, I can only assume that there was PLENTY of stripping between her hubs and Channing and I’ll just let that fantasy play out in my mind a little further if you’ll excuse me.
A photo posted by Kristin Cavallari (@kristincavallari) on
SAYLOR. JAMES. KRISTIN’S NOT EVEN REAL HOLLYWOOD AND SHE JUST DROPPED THAT HOLLYWOOD NAME. Don’t worry Bristol Palin also called dibs on it and needed to make it clear that she picked it first and isn’t a total poser. K, Bristol. Thanks so much.
Because you can’t go five minutes without hearing Adele and also because my family made it a new tradition yesterday to just keep whispering Hello….over and over again. Here’s the British powerhouse with her classroom toys version on Jimmy Fallon.
A series is never dead in today’s world. After Gilmore Girls reunited at the ATX Festival this year and we all saw that Lorelai hasn’t aged a minute, while Luke apparently hasn’t stopped aging, this obviously got the ball rolling for reunion rumors. Apparently creator Amy Sherman Palladino has had the last four words of the series written for like decades and now she’ll have her chance to show them with Netflix creating four 90 minute episodes and the grand sunset on Stars Hollow. As a Team Anyone But Dean gal, I’ll be anxious to see who will be the next in a lineup of very important boyfs for Rory, and obviously if they bring that little homewrecker April back I will send a strongly worded letter to Amy about how she’s betrayed everything I’ve ever believed in TV. Other than that, let’s see what they’ve got for those fabulous Gilmore Girls!
2. Adele is BACK.
I don’t really know how long she’s been gone but it was just the right amount of time if you ask me. I needed at least a year to get over the fact that while I was studying abroad in Florence they played Rolling in the Deep on repeat ad nauseum any time there was a speaker available. I think this made me irrationally angry toward Adele, but the beauty of it is she popped out a little nugget, disappeared for a hot second to be a mom and now I welcome her back with open arms, all irritations forgotten. Obviously she still has a powerhouse voice and her next album will sweep all the awards so it was nice knowin ya while it lasted, Sam Smith. No seriously, do you think Sam Smith heard this song and then sent Adele an anonymous letter that told her to go back into retirement because there’s only room for one soulful Brit to win all the awards in America? Just wondering.
3. Zooey Deschanel named her daughter something quirky.
At this point I feel like the joke’s on us. Celebs put their heads together and say what will illicit the largest general audience eye roll for a baby name. First name: Elsie, Middle name: Otter. Although I commend the somewhat normal first name, they could have easily gone with River Otter if they really wanted to play into this but just the light touch of a furry water species that one would associate with campgrounds was apparently enough weird for them.
4. At the risk of beating a dead horse, Perfect got more Perfect.
Here’s the black and white music video for 1D’s perfect and if you were questioning if it actually is a response to Style, look no further than the several thousand artsy shots and closeups on Harry and that glossy, wild mane of his. The Hawaiian shirt though, really?
5a. Tori Kelly goes Poc on us.
Apparently there’s a celeb Disney compilation CD in the works–including a J.Derulo version of Can You Feel the Love Tonight…gonna need that to enter my ears stat. But anyway, Tori the goddess of singing tackled Colors of the Wind. I’m going to be up front about it and say that I thought Pocahontas sucked as a Disney movie and I wouldn’t even think of giving this song a second listen but her version is obviously spectacular.
5b. Casting News. Mario Lopez joins Grease LIVE as Vince Fontaine, who if I remember correctly was somewhat of a creep. So not sure about that one. Also Chris Rock was announced as host of the Oscars this year and I hold out hope that having a standup comedian hosting again is just what we need to save ourselves from endless shitty bits and musical numbers that have turned past hosting gigs into trash city. Bonus points if he drops an uncensored F bomb while hosting. The world needs a little more edge is what I think.