Music, Television

Billboard Music Awards Recap 2016

I would’ve done a red carpet except that I only found roughly 14 pictures and I hated them all. It’s kind of hard to post a blog specifically to razz celebrity outfits when I looked like this while watching the awards last night (and all day out in public yesterday.)

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So instead I’ll give you the full recap breaking down the LoLz and the things that frankly were a NO (Meghan Trainor style) for me. YA NEED TO LET IT GO.

 

Yaassss:

The Weeknd won the first award and in his speech he spoke highly of Prince with, “I didn’t know him but I was close to him.” This sincerely made me laugh out loud.

Shawn Mendes did a supes emosh performance of Stitches that gave me all the feels. I’m already pretty sick of that song but watching him get down and dirty with it was worth it.

Speaking of Worth It, Fifth Harmony showed off how skilled they are at patting the puss Erika Jayne style AND dropping it low. They simultaneously showed off how unskilled they are at singing. Props for this song being a better version of Rihanna’s WERKWERKEWERKWERKWERK annoyingness though. And for suddenly turning at-home-jobs suuuper dirrrty.

Without even knowing it, I took a bathroom break right as Gwen and Blake were performing. So props to me for having a perfectly timed bladder emergency because if I had to sit through that whole butchering of music I would’ve ripped my ears clean off my head. We get it, guys. You’re together. A couple does not a musical collaboration make.

This is what Lukas Graham looks like. And this song bangs. Plus he actually sang it IRL.

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Celine gets the icon award and sings “The Show Must Go On” with a full orchestra and a champagne glitter dress. I mean it was obviously phenomenal but seriously, GIVE US THE HITS, CELINE! Billboard really banked on the waterworks by bringing out her son Rene Charles to present the award and she lost it. What a bunch of assholes these producers are. SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH. When Celine cries everyone cries. She apologizes and throws up a trib to her late husband. PS Her son is only 15, ya pervs. But he can give me a buzz in like 7 years.

 

The Go Go’s Reunion added some much-needed mom jamz into the mix. Watching those sassy middle aged women mom snap all over the stage was gr8. Also reminded me of the days when my mom would play The Bangles for us and we would crush the choreography. Meanwhile, every tween in the audience checked Twitter during this number.

Adele looked like a dime piece in the “Send my Love (to your new lover)” music video. Otherwise it was boring AF.

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Rihanna wore a furry animal’s tail around her neck and double decker sunglasses to do a slow jam in green lighting. It wasn’t Work and it wasn’t Bitch Better Have My Money so it was welcome by me.

Demi SLAY BITCH Lovato:

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Ariana brought out her bad gurl side.

 

Nahhh:

Britney is the opener because the show is in Vegas and she currently has a residency there. I guess I missed the part where she turned into a full on robot because her dancing was cringeworthy during this medley of hits. Lip syncing was really on point though. Hey is there a show where celebrities can dress up, dance terribly and not sing? Her body’s still tight as hell, so at least she’s got that going for her.

As new host, Ciara shakes her lady bits all over the stage while Russell Wilson nutted just from watching, front row. (They don’t have sex, guys.) Even Luda was like CHECK OUT DEM LEGS, GUYS. As he mopped up drool slobbering from his mouth.

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Pink tossed it back to the year 2014 when she graced every awards show with an acrobatic ribbon routine. Except this time she just whipped through the crowd on a spinning clock, touched onstage to sing her song then was lifted with a clock hand at the end. SO ALICE IN WONDERLAND. SO OVER IT.

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Tove Lo and Nick Jonas pitched their way through “Close” and then teased a smooch at the end. Tongue was honestly the only thing that could’ve saved that performance. Except Nick couldn’t even reach her mouth. Wittle guy.

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Kesha gives this dramatic and controversial performance (cough cough Dr. Luke) and yet WEARS A HIDEOUS WHITE SUIT WITH GLITTER DECALS AND BANGS. Like I get that it’s frowned upon to talk shit about this because she’s been through some shit this year but come on. Ben Folds tickled the ivories and she covered a Bob Dylan song. At least she changed it up and showed she actually has a good voice.

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Madonna sings “Nothing Compares 2 U” for Prince. Stevie Wonder then stumbled out for a little Purple Rain. It was just like…fine.

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Music, Television

Grammy’s 2016 Recap

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I’m not really sure when it was exactly that the Grammy’s turned into one giant tribute but it was so aggressive that I actually questioned if it was the Eagles playing their own songs or someone covering the Eagles in honor of Glenn. (Clearly I don’t know my classic rock bands.) They even tossed in a Lionel Richie tribute while he WATCHED front row. Hey…Lionel’s alive! And able to come onstage…let’s cool it with the memorial for his music. Anyway, here are the highs and lows of last night’s 5 hour situation.

NO:

-LL Cool J is the host and I forgot that he hosts every year and it’s the worst moment of my life realizing I have to watch that Kangol speak and probably say “knock ‘em out L, KNOCK EM OUTTTTTT.” At one point he tells everyone to hit him up on Instagram. Ok, L.

-Everyone in Taylor’s squad RSVP’ed “maybe”? The only one who showed up was Selena. What a lame turnout. Related side note: they really cut back on audience cams of Taylor dancing. What gives, CBS? (Thanks for pointing out this super embarrassing handshake of hers though…)

-Legitimate question, do you think Selena cried every time Tay won because she knows she’ll never win a Grammy with her garbage can pop hits and skanky vids? (Or was she just trying to fill the BFF and boyfriend void because apparently no one could make it?) Just wondering.

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-Turns out I didn’t know any songs by Lionel Richie but seriously how nerve-wracking is that to perform his hits with him judging in the front row? Luke stuck out like a sore thumb trying his hand at easy listening (and NOT shaking his ass), and Lionel literally had to get up there and be like k, move aside dipshits, I got this.

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-Gwen Stefani got paid a bajillion doll hairs by Target to do a “live music video” commercial where she used a lot of body doubles and didn’t fall down rollerskating SO WHAT’S THE FUN IN THAT?

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-Hamilton the musical gets a sideshow performance from NYC. I hate to sound like an uncultured a-hole, but leave the musicals for the Tony’s. I’m not down with sneaking theater into the mix like I won’t even notice. I NOTICED.

-Gaga dresses like Bowie and lets spiders crawl over her face via green screen. YAY nightmares. (PS this is totes a performance dads would like, as in my dad, because he wouldn’t let me talk trash about Gaga during the SuperBowl and also he’s old and therefore liked David Bowie.)

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– A 12 year old plays the piano while Common and the old white guy who’s at every awards show bop along awkwardly. This could have been a metaphor for the entire evening.

-Biebz Part 2 with Skrillex & Diplo was roughsicles. I commend them for kicking things up a notch with a little percussion but pitch-wise it was terrible. Even worse? We didn’t get one reaction from Selena. I will personally hitch a camera on my shoulder and film the audience next year if that’s what it takes to create a little drama at the Grammys.

-Hey guys, Johnny Depp’s in a band now with Alice Cooper and they’re tearing it up old guy style with a lot of eyeliner. It was embarrassing and weird and I could’ve done without it. #WhenDadJokesTurnIntoDadBands

-Pitbull closes out the night with Sofia Vergara dancing as a boxed taxi and Robin Thicke trying REAL hard to make a comeback. Oh and Keith Richards played guitar. DALE?! (My next door neighbor’s 6th birthday party was car themed and everyone had to wear a box car and visor around his backyard all afternoon. What’s your excuse, Sofia?)

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YES:

-Taylor opened with “Out of the Woods” and the most entertaining part was when she strutted through the crowd (catwalk style, obviously) and no one knew what to do. Clap, guys. Applaud her jazz hand theatrics.

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Ladies & Gentlemen, please welcome to the 1989 Stage…THE GRAMMYS!

-My dad may have created “Bye Felicia” but I have diamonds!!!!

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-Carrie Underwood threw a curveball and let her vag hang out onstage for a steamy performance with Sam Hunt.

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-Ariana Grande introduced the Weeknd and apparently thought she was auditioning for a one-woman variety show on Nick. No one laughed, which in turn, made me laugh a lot.

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-Demi bringing down the house with a cover of Hello and the sexiest biz casj I ever did see.

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-Stevie Wonder’s sparkle shirt with camo jacket and NEON gym sneaks. I spent too much time while he sang with Pentatonix wondering if he was trolling us because no seeing person would purposefully dress themselves like that BUT THEN he bullied everyone for not being able to read Braille. WHAT A BUNCH OF IDIOTS WHO CAN SEE HAHA. YOU’RE ALL SUCKERS WHO HAVE EYES THAT FUNCTION. Keep doin you, Stevie.

-James Bay and Tori Kelly duet a mash up of “Hollow” and “Let it Go” and it’s buttery smooth. It would be kewl if I could hire them to sing me a lullaby every night before bed.

-Kendrick Lamar does a little ditty about black injustices complete with prison bars, shackles, & a large fire that scares all the white people in the crowd. It was probably the most entertaining thing of the night to see 0.0 white crowd reactions. (Especially so hot off the heels of everyone realizing that Beyonce is black.)

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-It sounded like the Biebz might have been slangin some voice lessons when he did “Love Yourself” acoustic in a jacket he borrowed from Sammi Sweetheart. Then he promptly smashed his guitar and it was an omen for the remainder of the performance. #BadBoyLife

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-1989 wins album of the year and Taylor takes a big giant dump on Kanye’s face.

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YEAH THAT’S RIGHT. BURN CITY: Population, KANYE.

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