Tag Archives: Tim Riggins

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 12/12/16

1. Baby Blake.

Ryan Reynolds honored with star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame, Los Angeles, USA - 15 Dec 2016

Ryan Reynolds got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY they finally debuted their two kids and I’m not even a little bit ashamed to say that I looked at every single picture that was posted of them because they are adorbsies. James is quite literally a tiny Blake Lively with a casual afro and now that they’re out in the open I better be seeing pics of these little nuggs on the reg. Congrats you beautiful MF’ers, for living up to my high expectations for creating cute kids.

Ryan Reynolds honored with star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame, Los Angeles, USA - 15 Dec 2016Ryan Reynolds honored with star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame, Los Angeles, USA - 15 Dec 2016Ryan Reynolds honored with star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame, Los Angeles, USA - 15 Dec 2016Blake Lively, James Reynolds

2. ENews Gets Me.

No but seriously, that caption summed up every feeling I had upon seeing this photo. Shouts to my sister for sending this to me for a quick drool sesh.

3. Pregnancy Boobs.

My first two thoughts when I saw this photo 1. Willow’s hands are tanner than me and I’m jelly. 2. How can I work this braid into my every day hairstyle. But like also congrats on the pregnancy rack, Pink. I wonder if baby will be born with a feather in it’s hair and a henna tattoo up it’s arm. Even the crystals were a little over the top. It gave me PTSD flashbacks to Spence circa season 4 of The Hills.

4. RIP Alan.

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This should have been number 1 because it was a shocking celeb death but honestly I hate talking about dead people on The Salty Ju. It gives me the sads. I knew Alan personally, from how many Hallmark movies I have consumed through the years and he seemed like a real stand up gent. Plus, he had to put up with Robin his whole life and I imagine that’s no easy feat. Especially post-foam finger-gate. I never watched Growing Pains because I’m too young (humble, not so subtle brag) but I can ‘preciate a banger of a sitcom theme song. I can only hope this is played at his funeral because it is one of the greatest songs ever written.

 

5. Get yoself a man….

…who buys you a bigger ring, just cause. In case you haven’t noticed Chris Pratt has become a massive superstar over the past few years and rather than turning into a doucheroni, he instead bought wifey Anna Faris an upgrade for her engagement ring. And OBVIOUSLY I approve. Plus like, they’re just the cutest. In exchange, she got him a tractor.

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BONUS: Merry Christmas from Carpool Karaoke

#Blessed that this was turned into a carpool karaoke medley because we can ALL agree that 2016 Mariah definitely does not sound like 1994 Mariah and maybe she needed a little help on this one. It’s not a car concert unless you really go for the high notes so I’m proud of everyone for laying it all on the line.

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Pop Culture, Television

Tim Riggins for the NFL

5 Reasons Why Riggins Would Be the Best Player in the League

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It’s football season again and every year when social media turns into fantasy picks and game commentary, I have a sudden urge to restart Friday Night Lights because I would rather watch Riggins get hammered and tackle the shit out of some high school players than watch real life professional players in our country’s most beloved sport. But whatever, I think choosing FNL over football makes me more patriotic. If Riggs were in the NFL I would probably play closer attention and here’s why I think he would be GREAT as a professional footballer (dare I say, even better than Tom Brady?) It’s a good thing I don’t live in Boston anymore…

PS for the sake of selling the best version of Riggs, we’re gonna go ahead and gloss right over his criminal history.

1. Parties hard, plays hard. There is rarely a time when Riggins is not holding a beer, or fiercely hungover and yet he’s one of the finest athletes on the Dillon Panthers. Could his drinking habits at the age of 17 be seen as alcoholism? Possibly. But Riggs is more of a get home from a long hard day and crack a beer kind of guy rather than funneling before school every morning, so it’s more fun, less debilitating. There’s a lot of guys in the NFL who blow money on booze and drugs to celebrate their cool life, but a lot of them also end up in rehab or fired, Riggs has it under control. He suits up on game day and then hits Smittys or The Landing Strip with the boys to wind down. Even the rally girls know what’s good when they hand him a six pack as a pre-game ritual, instead of baked goods.

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2. Loyal to his home state. Tim Riggins IS Texas. All he wants for his life is a piece of land and a good bar to rest his head. Professional athletes get traded or offered a bigger salary to change teams but Riggs would never leave Texas and let down his fans (cough, cough Lebron). Say it with me now…Texas Forever.

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3. Charismatic. Look, Tim’s not the sharpest tool in the shed…I guess that’s what tends to happen when you have rally girls do your homework and you take Wednesdays off from school. What he lacks in book smarts (The Scarlett Letter), he makes up for in personality. Riggs is the life of the party and a true entertainer. He could use a little work on his stand up material–i.e. “How about Saracen sleeping with the Coach’s daugher?”–but you can’t tell me that he wouldn’t be riveting in post-game interviews or team press conferences. He wouldn’t show up just so he didn’t get fined…he would put on a show. Can you name anyone else who would tell the school that he’s pregnant and needs a couple of days to relax so he can flip a house with his buddies? Bonus points for creativity.

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4. Not a Narc. As a captain of the Dillon Panthers, Riggins was a natural leader. He knew how to motivate his teammates on the field, but also how to get them laid—I’m lookin at you JD. Part of being a team player is not pointing the finger when someone sucks. I think Riggins learned a little bit about that when he oh so casually went to prison for Billy. What a rough time for Tim and his usually luscious locks…but just goes to show how he would rather be locked up than rat on someone, if there were to be say, I don’t know, a cheating scandal in the NFL.

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5. Mentor. Under that rough around the edges, boozy playboy exterior is a real heart of gold. Riggins is good with kids and acted as a big brother to that little shit Bo who lived next door. He taught him how to defend himself and how to play football, making him a shoe-in for training camps and charity work in the NFL. Tim also helped out with demon child Gracie Bell when he lived with the Taylors and any interaction with that creature deserves a gold medal. After doing time, he was Uncle Riggs to baby Stevie and it just melted my icy cold heart.

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*BONUS* Have you seen him? I get that the NFL is not a modeling agency but it doesn’t hurt, right Eric Decker? I never thought I could be attracted to a man with hair the same length as mine until I laid eyes on Tim Riggins. His flowing lettuce and perfect smile reel in the ladies and I think he would do just fine in sponsorships and product endorsements. Not to mention the bad boy appeal. No more Tom Brady for Uggs…it should be Tim Riggins for Stetson–shirt very optional.

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So whatdya say, NFL? Let’s make some memories with Tim Riggins. No regrets.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/15/15

1. Channing Tatum. On the press circuit for Magic Mike:More Male Twerking to Ginuwine Music (Official title obv.) Channing has been flaunting those abzz and his dirty teenage boy humor all over the place. I don’t hate it one bit. After riding a float in last weekend’s Pride parade in LA with Matt Bomer (SWOON), he also did an AMA this week and let us in on some key Channing secrets.

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In summary: He also gets lost in Matt Bomer’s eyes “made of dreams, rainbows and amazingness.” He learned how to dance by clubbin in Florida, there will be no full frontal nudity in Magic Mike XXL but there is little left to the imagination, he hearts pinterest and carebears, he adds cheetos to his PB&J, and he’s named is penis Gilbert. Welp there you have it folks. The most important tidbits from the mind of Channing. If you have a better attention span than me, you can read the full AMA here.

2. Hilary Duff brings back Lizzie Mcguire Movie Isabella accent. Hilary Duff’s shitty Italian accent MAKES the Lizzie McGuire movie pretty much golden. A loyal fan asked her this week to reenact it while she was promoting her new album and she happily obliged and I watched it and was embarrassed for her all over again. What a gem to entertain Lizzie McGuire fangirls. Fingers crossed she actually makes an Isabella dubsmash. That would be what dreams are made of.

3. Tim Riggins is single, everyone form a line behind me.

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While being interviewed for Elle magazine, Taylor Kitsch (forever and always Riggs) admits he’s single because he chooses not to balance a relationship with his hectic lifestyle. He wouldn’t want to ask a woman to wait for him for several weeks at a time while he’s doing press or filming. I’d just like to put it in writing for all the internet to hear, I will wait an indefinite amount of time for you, Riggs. Just let me know when you’re ready, no regrets. (coincidentally also his personal email sign off…sigh.)

4. Aziz Ansari and Jimmy Fallon show everyone how bad guys are at texting. Aziz just released a new book about how dating today sucks and to prove his point him and JFall played a little game called let’s remind girls how terrible guys are at texting. They read some embarrassing opening lines and I would like everyone who is in a relationship to have a moment of silence for what all of us single ladiezzz are dealing with. Although to be clear, it’s not just texting. I once had a guy who was chatting with me fart and then take a lap to air it out before returning and announcing that he just farted. Crushed it.

5. Kim K is a dum dum and everyone made fun of her. This doesn’t kount as Kardashian knews because I’m really just reporting on the bits that made fun of her…much more entertaining for all. Anyway, Kimmy wrote future Kimmy a letter that was so stupid I couldn’t even listen to more than one second of it. I could, however, listen to both Jimmy Kimmel and James Corden mock it on each of their shows. Enjoi.

BONUS: While people are getting chomped on by sharks left and right (not funny, literally my greatest fear) Zac Efron is riding sharks in Hawaii.

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