JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/1/2018

1. HE BACK.

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FRIDAY…

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📷 @ryanmcginleystudios

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I mean if you’re gonna do the Super Bowl halftime show ya gotta have fresh music not associated with a Pixar movie and that’s pretty obvious. I was waiting for the announcement and having it come with the New Year did not disappoint. Is this video really weird? Yeah. Did I think we were about to get like a folk album with the way he’s talking about becoming one with the earth and his roots? Absolutely. It didn’t matter though. All that mattered is we’re getting new music from JT and Pharell thinks it’s dope. Cut to today when we have our very first single and it is NOT what I was expecting. Total curveball to be like I went back to Tennessee to find myself and live in the woods like Manbearpig and then drop a futuristic video about robots set to a funky beat. HUH?

So we’ve got this Steve Jobs lookin JT and then we have a robot breaking it down for a bunch of Asians and simulating sex with hoochie dancers. WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THE ROBOTS? First Tay with Ready for It and now you lay this shit on me, JT? Is this a sign? Is 2018 the year we get taken over by robots? No comprendo. I can get on board with the song. I can’t get on board with the robots. Case closed.

2. That’s not hot.

Paris Hilton got engaged and we can all fawn over how big that ring is because obviously why would she get anything smaller but like come on. It’s ridiculous. I’m personally not into the pear shaped diamond to begin with but whatever shape that came in, a ring that big looks like it was picked up at a goodwill store while shopping for gaudy costumes, not a 20 carat diamond that cost $2 million. It takes over her whole hand and couldn’t be any more obnoxious than this tweet:

3. Carrie Underwood is fine.

Carrie released a statement to her fans this week about an accident that she had in November when she like slid on ice or something at home. Apparently she has been in hiding since the incident (who knew…) and suffered a facial injury that required 40-50 stitches and she warned everyone that she might not look the same but she’s grateful to be ok. Naturally everyone on this planet (me) immediately started furiously searching for pictures of said mangled face, knowing that she was probably being dramatic and SERIOUSLY…SHE LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME.

Unless there’s some mouth trauma going on causing that closed mouth smile, I cannot imagine how she could release a statement preparing her fans for like half of her face to be gone or something. We can all calm down now. Also, her legs were unharmed in this entire tragedy and that’s all that really matters.

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4. Hoda’s Time 2 Shine.

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Since that rat Matt Lauer left, ratings have gone up on the Today Show because every mom in America (including my own) switched back from GMA to enjoy a morning show not bogged down by a perv. There was a lot of kerfuffle about Matt Lauer not only sexually assualting all of the females but pushing out all of the male anchors so that his spot couldn’t be taken, which is fitting for his turd personality and therefore everyone was like OMG WHOSE GOING TO TAKE HIS SPOT?! Also please read this all with the most sarcasm in the world because I honestly forgot they were looking to replace Matt until the announcement was made this week but obviously mah gurl Hoda got the top spot and everyone is happy except for the sexist pigs of the world. Hoda’s fun and personable and cute and puts up with KLG hammered every day during the 10AM block so she deserves the hell out of this. Also don’t you dare sass about it on twitter cause Al “I pooped my pants in the white house” Roker will clap back at yo ass, BARB.

5. Bye 2017.

Look, you guys know when I’m searching for a 5th headline for the weekly JUice and I’m mailing it in. Let’s not tiptoe around it. I got nothin. So here’s a video of Cal from Timeflies covering the top songs of 2017 and getting rocked in the face with confetti by Rez.

And here’s a picture of my girl Demi stuntin that bod confidence. Why? Because you know how much I love her at the mo, and I’m just so proud of her progress. Just one friend believing in another. 2018 will be Demi’s year.

And that’s all I got for ya. Don’t forget the Golden Globes are this Sunday and everyone will be wearing black to royally F up my Red Carpet blog…or to make a statement about sexual assault in Hollywood, either one. Tune in so we can all trash it together on Monday.

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Pop Culture

Celeb-oween 2015

Celebs, they’re just like us…sometimes they have really dumb, unoriginal halloween costumes…and when they do, I point and laugh at them. I will applaud the fact that no one slipped up and did black face this year. They just might be learning!

WORST

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Haute couture skeleton @alexfaction

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I think this would have been okay had J.Lo not taken a typical costume and called it haute couture like a bougie betch.

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👻

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I’m not sure what’s going on here, is this just a child from my nightmares?

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I think I nailed the Kim K costume! 🕸👻🕷

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What does the biggest attention whore in America dress as for Halloween? Herself, obviously.

I will absolutely NOT support Let it Go for one more second. Even if she does look like an adorbz little Olaf.

johnstamos

Devil’s Threesome.

peanuts today shwo

The Today Show tried to be cutesicle….

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Except replicating a cartoon in real life can actually turn into a pretty scary sitch for all involved. Also OF COURSE Matt Lauer cross-dressed.

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Trump thrives off of this shit.

Tyra Banks Richard Branson

Tyra Banks as Richard Branson. Why?

kylieninja

Did Kylie even know it was Halloween? OHHHHH BURNNNN.

tbrady

Gisele and Tom Brady putting giant skeleton bobble heads on with a regular outfit is lazy and lame.

heidiklum

HEIDI KLUM MUST BE STOPPED. DO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH LESS.

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Katy Perry as a mic drop. This is actually a clever idea until you have to reenact it 100 times for people to get it and then you have a concussion.

hilhil

I know Hil can do much better than a basic betch black cat.

paris

Right, so this is what warriors look like?

nickjonas

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Shirtless costumes only in the future, pls.

BEST

Anne looking pastel puuurfect as a unicorn.

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Coming to America🎃

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HOW SASSY IS BLUE THOUGH?!

The classiest woodland creatures I ever did see.

Mario Lopez’s kid is the cutest little smush and they nailed Elvis & Elvis Jr.

Allison looks EXACTLY like Belle.

Authentic shit, right down to the climbing. If Shawn was my fiance I’d climb him like a tree too.

I’m embarrassed that I went as Sandy last year because Gigi swept through this year and took a big dump on my version of bada$$ Sandra Dee.

Sophia Bush perfecting Pulp Fiction

The possibly engaged couple as polar opposites. Mesmerized by Jeets’ face as the devil.

Lebron going as Prince and taking the stage for an impromptu show seems really out of character for him.

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🦁

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Girls’ already got one hell of a mane.

Not as good as last years caveman in the flesh but still pretty great.

Hot damn! 2000’s Jess is making a comeback.

kardashsuperhero

I just wanna snatch P right up. I won’t…but I want to.

coltonhaynes

This is Colton Haynes. He doesn’t normally look like this. Respect tha hustle here for transforming into the largest and most disgusting creature in Disney villain history.

ninadobrev

Nina Dobrev bitch facing as Posh.

yonce

Don’t you ever cross Queen Bey or she’ll come at you like this.

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kellyripa

Kelly Ripa’s got a knack for pop culture costumes, IMO.

michael strahan

Michael Strahan as Cookie. FIERCE.

joshduhamel

Josh Duhamel with a gap tooth.

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I’m always pro-T.Swift costume.

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GMA hosts Robin Roberts & TJ Holmes take on the Lyons.

AishaTylerYonce

Bionic hand seals the deal for Aisha Tyler

miranda

Miranda Lambert and co. as the Rockford Peaches. Where Marla Hooch at?

ellen kardashian

Ellen DeGeneres created her own character, Karla Kardashian, who is the reject of the clan and only wears hand-me-downs. Bonus points for originality although we know how I feel about drawing more attention to the Kardash fam.

therock

This seems like an approps costume for someone who naturally has gunz on gunz.

sarahyland

If you have a hot bod like Sarah Hyland it should be mandatory that you go leather bodysuit for Halloween.

jalba

Always jelly of celebs who can get their hands on legit wardrobe for pop culture costumes.

ginarodriguez

Gina Rodriguez shows off cute and cozy.

demi

YAASSSSS TRAP QUEEN.

pink

Pink looks exactly like lil Drew Barrymore.

nicolerichie

Nicole Richie doing up the Nightmare before Christmas creeperoni.

nph

NPH is the family costume magician every year.

channingjenna

His and hers cat in the hats for one of my fave couples

chrissy

Chrissy Teigen as Guy Fieri is perfect and gave her an excuse to do douchey things. I’m all for a costume that lets you get away with being a more obnoxious individual.

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