JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 4/30/18

Great news everyone, we’ve made it to May, which is the month of ME so feel free to lavish me with compliments and gifts every single day for the next 31 days. Because as we all know, females don’t have a birth DAY, they have a birth MONTH and if you don’t acknowledge that you’re a garbage can human.

1. *NSYNC Mini Reunion.

Screen Shot 2018-04-30 at 5.04.11 PM

As we are all very aware, the last day of April brings the godforsaken Justin Timberlake It’s Gonna be May meme that floods the internet and everything thinks they’re original by posting it (kinda like the Miss Congeniality perfect date or Mean Girls October 3rd schtick) and unfortunately *NSYNC played RIGHT INTO IT by planning their Hollywood star ceremony for the same day. I’m going to politely ignore that part and focus on the fun stuff, like the fact that Justin is still clearly the number 1 bae of *NSYNC and you can tell they’re all over it, real hard. Or the fact that JC thought he could roll up looking like a dad whose trying to be trendy with surfer hair and RED BOOTS. JC. Come on. Even Chris and Joey look better than you because at least they embraced their oldness–Joey is literally wearing dad sneaks with his getup. Let it happen, bruh. No need to be tossing on red booties with your suit! Below are some of the speeches and a fairly boring game of Never Have I Ever where they basically lie and say they didn’t do anything when WE ALL KNOW that being a boy band superstar in your teens/early twenties meant that you certainly did a lot of bang, bang, bangity, banging. For now, feel free to place your bets on which spice girl JT smooched. My guess is Baby. NOW CAN WE PLEASE GET A REUNION SONG AND CORRELATING MUSIC VIDEO?! I’M BEGGING YOU.

2. XxXtina. 

Did anyone miss Xtina? Well she’s been on a casual 6 year hiatus from music. Her most recent claim to fame was a Whitney tribute at one of the award shows where everyone questioned what was going on with her face. Can confirm her face still looks weird but wouldn’t you know, everyone’s face looks weird when they’re lapping milk from a glass and trying to be sexy in a music video with MAD closeups on her mouth/tongue. This is her latest beat that is preeetttyy hard on the ears but she’s clearly going for the street cred by having two rappers featured on it that I assume are popular with the youths these days. To be completely honest I couldn’t even finish watching this music video. Once someone looks right into your soul and licks a glass of 2% then lets it drip down their chin, I have to just call it quits and never look back. Mazel to Xtina for giving me all of the uncomfies this week! PS do you think this song is about sex? LMK.

3. Miranda’s A Little Sleazy.

miranda

I think it’s time to address the elephant in the room that is Miranda Lambert’s love for infidelity. I wanted to ignore the rumors when her and Blake split because I’ve always been a fan of Miranda’s music and that she’s a total boss babe who wins all the awards and is better then most of the boys in country. I turned my ears off whenever anyone talked about her cheating and I hated Blake and Gwen on principle because they were flaunting their relationship too hard and I don’t appreciate an attention grabber post-divorce. I was firmly Team Miranda. Except now her music isn’t that great anymore, she’s kind of a stuck up bitch at awards shows and in the past two weeks she’s been outed HARD for being a cheatin skank. Her latest fling is with someone she toured with who is married and basically stayed out on tour with Miranda without telling his wife when he would be coming back and when he did return it was with some divorce papers. YIKES CITY. Obviously both parties are at fault here since both Miranda and Evan were in relationships when they began to “write music together.” Either way, NOT A GOOD LOOK. Blake had the below snarky tweet and Evan’s soon to be ex wife has been using Instagram story to talk shit and jam out to Before He Cheats. (Social media maturity at its finest)

So accept this as my official declaration that I am no longer #TeamMiranda and maybe she should take a little sabbatical from banging strange whilst otherwise in a relationship. Let the records also show that this does not make me Team Gwen/Blake. Because I still think those two are obnoxious. WE GET IT….OPPOSITES ATTRACT AND YOU LOVE EACH OTHER. Do it privately.

4. ASHLEE SIMPSON SHOW REBOOT.

ashlee

Word on the streets of trash tv, Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross will be getting their own reality show. As an avid viewer of BOTH The Ashlee Simpson Show and Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica, I couldn’t be happier for this comeback to reality TV. T’s & P’s that they don’t have the Newlyweds curse (still holding out for a Nick and Jessica reunion though, never give up hope.) Apparently the show will center around Ashlee and Evan taking on the music biz together, which I strongly advise against but should make for entertaining telly. Maybe that little nugget of theirs Jagger will make guest appearances and she proved to be the cutest during Diana Ross’s AMA tribute.

jagger

5. Blake Pulls a Tay.

Blake Lively took a page out of her bestie Tay’s book for promoting and cleared out her instagram, unfollowed everyone all in the name of promoting a new movie. Everyone crapped their pants, specifically because she unfollowed that hunk of a husband Ryan Reynolds, which typically means things are heading south but CHILL EVERYONE SHE JUST WANTS TICKET SALES TO GO UP FOR HER THRILLER WITH ANNA KENDRICK. Looks super weird. Can’t say I support erasing so many beautiful pics that I’ve posted on here and drooled over just for a little movie marketing, but who am I to judge. Who am I kidding. I’m Judge Judy here. Get your old insta back, Blake.

👋 … (SOUND UP!!!🔔🔊🔔🃏😁)

A post shared by Blake Lively (@blakelively) on

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Music, Television

AMA’s Recap 2017

I often like to milk two blogs out of awards shows and even though barely anyone reads these recaps, I laugh at myself while writing them, and that’s truly what is most important. Here’s the top five things to take away from last night’s AMA’s, which packed a lot of good performances into an awards show that gives out fake awards to whoever shows up, basically.

1. Selena is OV-ER-RATED, clap, clap, clapclapclap.

Everyone was buzzing about her performance because she’s made it VERY WELL KNOWN that it was her only live performance of this year due to GETTING A NEW KIDNEY and everything. Well, it sucked. Real hard. She basically came onstage just to writhe around a car in a white nightie, covered in fake blood. Girl didn’t even attempt to lip sync. At one point I’m pretty sure she fell asleep on top of said car. If she didn’t, then I sure as hell did because it was a REAL snooze. Also, can everyone stop associating her Lupus/kidney surgery with everything that she does? She’s recovered. It’s not like she walked out of the hospital to give this performance and couldn’t dance too hard or else risk popping stitches. Chill on it. Notably absent from cheering her on, though? Biebs. He seems like a super supportive BF.

2.  Xtina is dead. Haven’t seen ole Xtina in a while (apparently people have forgotten how her last name is pronounced) and suddenly she’s doing a Whitney tribute and the only reason I knew it was really her was because she held her ear and waved her hand up and down when she did vocal riffs. Otherwise, who is this woman with Kylie Jenner lips and how did she get the honor of singing a Whit medley?

christinaxtina

Since we now know that it really was her…and that People is crediting “natural makeup” for her completely transformed face, it would be wrong of me to say that she didn’t crush it because she has a powerhouse voice. Even if Pink DID give her stank face. (lolzzzzzz firing up an old Lady Marmalade feud, what The Salty Ju does best)

Pink shocked face AMAs

Credit: ABC

3. Pink makes acrobats cool again. SPEAKING OF PINK, as soon as I heard “and Pink will be making history with a performance from the sky”, I audibly groaned. You guys KNOW how much I hated the played out ribbons performance. It’s like for 3 years that’s all she knew how to do at awards shows. Well I bit my tongue real quick because what followed was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. I mean she literally went face down off the side of a building while performing. I was getting naush just looking at it, so you have to be another level of badass to be like yup I’m staring at the ground 500 ft away from me and just crushing choreography and singing. She won the night and that’s pretty obvious.

4. Ashlee Simpson is back. 

ross fam

The Ross family was a focal point of the evening as Tracee Ellis Ross hosted and Diana Ross received a “you’re still alive and killin it” award, so obviously I was all about seeing how former punk rock princess Ashlee fit into this family dynamic. Turns out, her and that beautiful specimen Evan created one of the most adorable babies on this earth. During Diana’s performance the camera panned to her singing along and just living her damn life as a famous toddler. But then, as soon as she was pulled onstage at the end, she froze and pooped her diaper. Ashlee quickly turned into a stage mom dancing off to the side to get her kid to perform for the cameras and it was a real failure.

What a whirlwind of emotions it was keeping up with that family though. Props to her grandson who not only showed off his best dance moves right in Jagger’s grillpiece (stage fright doesn’t extend to all of the Ross children) but also jacked the mic to tell his grandma that he’s so proud and go off script giving every producer of this show a G-D heart attack. You da real MVP.

ross

5. WHO IS BTS? 

BTS

I legitimately had to google BTS after they flashed the camera to a bunch of Asians with the same haircut over and over again. The internet said these guys came out with their first single in 2013. TWO THOUSAND THIRTEEN?! I graduated college then. THAT WAS A LONG ASS TIME AGO. And they’re supposedly famous?! You shut your whore mouth. I patiently waited for them to take the stage to see what it is that they offered that would make them “mega international superstars.” Wanna know what they did? They had robot auto tune voices (I’m assuming this music was created in a studio just with a computer) that sang in a different language, and these matching mushroom cut boys danced to it. That was it. Girls knew the words and were legit in TEARS over this performance. WHAT AM I MISSING HERE?! WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/21/15

1. Jimpire.

This will only be funny to fans of the show Empire but the entire 10 minutes is laugh out loud hilarious. Jimmy’s creepy-whisper Lucious Lyon impression, the mockery of drip drop and most importantly Higgins as Cookie were perfect, not to mention that they had the actual stars of Empire’s blessing through cameos. It’s always good when celebs can be in on the joke.

2. JT has new music.

Ok, ok that was a tease but seriously I would buy a CD of JT singing late night theme songs at this point because I need some new music from him STAT. It’s obvious that if JT makes an appearance anywhere it will be fully covered on the JUice. There need not be an explanation for that. Although his number one bromance is with J.Fall, I can see him getting some real witty banter going with Seth Meyers too. I accept.

3. Babies. Little bit of buzz in the world of ruined Hollywood vaginas…Leah and Brandon introduced the most beautiful Jenner in the world. Leighton Meester and Adam Brody welcomed a daughter. Her name is Arlo Day Brody. ARLO. Speaking of stupid names, Ashlee “Living in Jessica’s Shadow” Simpson and hubs Evan Ross debuted their daughter on insta. Her name is Jagger Snow Ross. Seriously who the hell do these two think they are?! JAGGER.SNOW. What are they gonna call her Jag for short? JK that’s fine, JAG also happens to be my initials and they’re bada$$, like me, obviously. ANYWAY, lastly Ben Mckenzie knocked up Gotham co-star Morena Baccarin because it’s kewl to have kids before marriage now. Three cheers for oops babies! And another three cheers for Seth Cohen becoming a dad around the same time that we find out Ryan Atwood will soon be one as well. Maybe we’ll see a second generation Chrismakkuh in the near future? FTR, it seems about right that Seth would get married first then have the kid and Ryan would do it a little backwards. Who could resist his bad boy smolder?

It's an honor, little one.

A post shared by Leah James Jenner (@leahjames) on

leighton-meester-300 benjamin-mckenzie-600x800 theoc

4. Ed Sheeran’s Last Song. For a while at least…A collab with some other Brits, this is the latest new music from that soulful orange-head and unfortunately he’ll be taking a little breaksicle from creating sweet, sweet melodies so cherish this sucker. Listen HERE.

5. This is what talent looks like.

I’ve posted videos by Todrick Hall before–including his tribute to Bey but this particular trib got buzz because T.Swift herself saw it and basically peed her pants with excitement (I’m assuming.) But furrreallll, he harmonizes and interacts with HIMSELF. It makes my brain hurt to think about how hard it must be to do that.

BONUS:

Neighbors 2 is currently filming. Boner Jamz. Or in the case of the below photos, hand-on-my-boner-jamz.

zac casual

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JUice

Weekly JUice

1. Okay so obviously JT and Jimmy Fallon read The Salty Ju because after hearing my cries of a reunion they did a skit together on Tuesday’s Tonight Show. Although it may not have been the full show that I was pleading for, it was just enough of a taste of their terrific bromance, duet and general stupidity to tide me over until JT can make a full appearance. (I’m assuming they filmed this in between JT attending Tay’s 25th and tearing down Brooklyn with Jay-Z)

2. Several sketchy sources have confirmed that Jeets bought a house in Skaneateles. So I’m here to report that Derek Jeter is moving to Skaneateles. Did I read this article and deduct my own story from it? Absolutely. But every one knows that his house in Skan-town will be SOOOO much better than St. Jetersberg. I mean naturally right after I move out of the ‘Nang, the holy specimen that is Jeter moves on in. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? Don’t answer that.

(Special thank you to my sister who sent me a text at 6:48AM this morning with this insider info)

Full Article

jetah

3. Nick Jonas was dallying around NYC the other day and decided to go into FAO Schwarz (suicide mission at Christmas time…not sure what compelled him to do this) but the result of his visit was an impromptu performance of Jealous on the big piano. Yes please.

4. Ashlee Simpson is officially pregs with her second child. After going through her bad boy phase with Pete Wentz and having her first baby Bronx (why..) several years ago…Ashlee faded into oblivion and was just married to Evan Ross aka son of Diana Ross. This is obviously not news–this is just an excuse for me to post clips from her reality show circa ten years ago when her and Ryan Cabrera were the “it” couple and she was constantly wah-wahing about how Jess gets all the attention. Your weekend laughs are provided by a melodramatic Ash pre-dying her hair goth black to stand out and be edgy.

ashlee ash

5. People has their first ever People Magazine Awards last night and provided us with some great fashion moments as well as this worthy nugget from Chris Messina and Mindy Kaling winning best onscreen couple in The Mindy Project. They are the dream couple.

Also Jennifer Lopez made me eat my words from the last awards show that I critiqued her outfit at. SHE IS LITERALLY 45 and she looks like THIS.

jlo

More Best Dressed:

jenn karlie kate mindykaling

Outfits That Sucked:

kateupton gwenstefani

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