Like every other female in America, I binged the revival of Gilmore Girls this holiday weekend. And since I can’t keep my opinions to myself, like EVER, I decided to blog some hot takes on the return of our favorite overly-caffeinated yappers. As a series I’d like to say that this is the only reboot that I wholeheartedly approved of. There was an actual story to tell and it wasn’t just a recycled show with tryhard jokes. Even all of the side characters had topical storylines that made sense for them and were also entertaining. i.e. Kirk creating Ooober, Taylor eliminating sewer systems, Michel having kids but still hating them. So I tip my Lorelai Gilmore winter paper boy cap to the Palladino’s on this one.

And now here are my gut reactions, with some spoilers–it makes more sense for you to read this if you’ve already watched–but the major reveal isn’t until the end when I will spoil “the last four words” but I’ll give you ample warning to look away because I am not a savage. Also, I feel like I gave everyone ample time to binge. If my mother who has 6 cups of coffee and is chomping at the bit to run errands before 6AM could sit still for hours on Saturday/Sunday to watch this with me, you’ve been given enough time to finish. (Shoutout to Cin who learned that the greatest accomplishment of my generation is the ability to lie on the couch motionless for entire days binge watching Netflix. It’s a hardship, really.)

1. Lorelai’s Hair. Whoever made the decision to give her a bouffant for 90% of this series needs to be fired immediately, or at least forced to look at it for roughly 6 hours like I did. Lorelai has beautiful brown wavy hair. It looked good literally every other way–even  in a messy bun–and yet the poof was forced down our throats making her look old and outdated. Let’s not even get started on her erect little ponytail directly atop her head like a unicorn horn the day before her wedding. God Bless Luke for seeing that pony bouncing toward the sky during her “pre-wedding workout” and still wanting to spend the rest of his life with it. See below for very real visuals of what I’m talking about and also a reminder to us all that the poof should never make a comeback.

2. Paris Geller Got Funnier with Age.

Paris was always high strung and pretty terrifying but also a little comic relief in Gilmore Girls. She kept things spicy by sleeping with a crypt keeper professor at Yale before she was 21 and also being a psychopath who needed crafts to calm down. I wasn’t expecting a lot but she downright stole every scene she was in. I found myself wanting more Paris. Her bullying of the Chilton headmaster about how he was using her donations followed by a glimpse into her broken family living in a house with too many stairs is everything I never knew I needed. Shouts to Paris for sneaking her way up the character rankings in adult life, AND almost starting a brawl in her high school bathroom.

3a. Logan is still BAE.

Itty bitty spoiler alert I guess. Although Entertainment Weekly spoiled this a week early so they’re the real monsters here. As if readers of a Gilmore Girls article wouldn’t know which boyfriend called Rory “Ace”. ANYWAY,  I always shipped Logan because I have a thing for pretty boys and also he adored Rory and made her life exciting and then she just HAD to go and pursue her dreams and a career in journalism instead of accepting his proposal. Definitely not still bitter. Logan apparently is NOT still bitter because he’s banging Rory every time she’s in London now. Even when he’s being a little bit slimy by cheating on his fiance, I still found myself rooting for them to be together forevz. That’s because with one dazzling smile and a drop of the key to his Maine house, I’m sold on Logan being the best boyfriend of all time. Logan cares about Rory’s career and personal problems, but also isn’t a total square. Which leads me to…

3b.I Want to be in The Life and Death Brigade. 

Bringing back the ole Life and Death Brigade gang for a wild night of wearing weird costumes and getting hammered was easily the best scene in the whole series. Colin, Finn & Robert can hold their own as sloppy rich idiots and I wanted nothing more than to join them all for a weekend of boozing. Seriously, who’s in for a little rooftop golf and buying a speakeasy this weekend? Anyone? PLUS we got to see Rory let loose with Logan, which resulted in a full view of shirtless-perfectly-carved-abs Logan the next morning (which also most likely resulted in “THE LAST FOUR WORDS.”)

4. Stars Hollow the Musical can kick rocks.

This isn’t me hating on Sutton Foster or any of the new adds. I think the sprinkling of new characters and cameos kept things exciting and also realistic that Stars Hollow hasn’t remained the same 10 people for the past 9 years. All I’m saying is that this musical and Lorelai’s reactions to it were funny for about 2 minutes and then I wanted to drill a hole in my head. I did not need to see what felt like every single act of that play. It was terrible and the same punchlines could have been accomplished in much less time. It also shadowed over Summer and kind of made me hate that episode. Lorelai & Rory’s weird hippie outfits that seemed approps for laying out at a community pool pretty much put the nail in the coffin for Summer, so it wasn’t all the musical’s fault but IT WAS PRETTY CLOSE.

(Unrelated to anything but did Reese Witherspoon produce this or does Amy Sherman-Palladino have like a massive girl crush on her? Between all the Draper James gear and Wild references it was basically one big french kiss to Reese. Hope she ‘preciates.)

5. The Boyfriend Everyone Forgot.

Adding in that Rory is dating a guy named Paul that she can’t even remember she’s dating was perfect. Everyone was foaming at the mouth to see which ex she’d end up with, so putting her with a normal and cute guy who’s just boring AF was genius. I literally just had to look up his name because I wanted to call him Pete. Thank you Paul for being the butt of all jokes, if Rory can’t even remember to dump you, you’re a special breed of lame. Speaking of lame, I ALSO loved that my least favorite of Rory’s boyfriends, Dean the wiener got the shortest amount of screen time. He’s settled down in Ohio or something pumping out kids just like he was destined to do. Dean was a good high school boyfriend but he had the personality of a 2×4 and I’m ecstatic that we didn’t even dabble in the idea of him being a part of Rory’s current life. If you’re wondering how strongly I feel, I basically made my 5th highlight about Paul so that I could sneak in my rant about Dean.

SUPER SPOILER TIME. 

No seriously. I’m about to break down those INFAMOUS last four words. Or three, if you can count, and WE CAN COUNT, AMY! (“Mom, I’m pregnant” is T-H-R-E-E words.)

Anyway, SURPRISE! Rory’s preggers and it’s probably Logan’s. Or at least that’s what I’m choosing to believe. Why? Because it simply cannot be a wookie one night stand lovechild and also, in my personal theory it will bring this whole thing full circle. (This very well may be a proven theory and widely written about by now, but I fired this off before reading any other fan recaps, so pls forgive me if this is NOT original as I assume I’m not the first one to come to this conclusion.) Lorelai had her Christopher and her Luke. Yes she was a teen mom so that makes it a little different but those were her two main guys while raising Rory on her own. Christopher and Logan are essentially the same guy. Even the writers have pointed this out. They’re both prep school rebels who hate their dads and begrudgingly end up in the family biz. Jess is much like Luke in the sense that they’re both simple guys who don’t love to show their feelings and lead a quiet life. Jess is obviously still in love with Rory because he creeped on her through the picture window at the end of “Fall”. Therefore in my assessment of the situation, Rory will decide to raise baby on her own (much like Lorelai did), Jess will be involved in their lives and lusting after Rory, Logan will probably not be as involved because he leads a different lifestyle and will most likely marry a twat to please his father but he’ll pop up here and there to make things interesting because him and Rory still have a thing too, obv. DID WE JUST GET A SPINOFF? YUP. Sorry, I’m watching Step Brothers as I write this and apparently got a little to excited. But seriously, I would watch the SHIT out of Gilmore Girls Jr. Both Jess AND Logan on my TV every week? Yes please. Let’s make this happen.