JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/10/17

Hey remember when I used to razz real hard on the headlines from the week and everyone was like CAN’T WAIT TILL FRIDAY so I can hear the important opinions of The Salty Ju on buzzworthy topics?! Well Hollywood’s been a real drag this summer and I wasn’t about to do 5 bullet points on Slob Kardashian vs. Blac Chyna so I went on hiatus. But I’ve pulled myself out of retirement because the Queen has finally broken her vow of silence and I simply cannot go down without shouting my opinions across the internet in rebuttal.

1. Sir Carter & Rumi.

Sir Carter and Rumi 1 month today. 🙏🏽❤️👨🏽👩🏽👧🏽👶🏾👶🏾

A post shared by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on

Staying true to her pregnancy announcement photos, Yonce stayed in hiding and released a professional portrait for the announcement. She looks great but let’s focus on the fact that she named her son Sir. As in please SIR, may I have some more? What a DUMB name. That’s like naming your daughter Ma’am…which in itself is offensive because no one under the age of 75 should ever be addressed as Ma’am. I got ma’amed once at a gas station by the attendant and almost took a lighter to the joint. So like this kid is going to grow up a little bit and be confused AF about when someone is talking to him or not. Also, since she put Carter after Sir and not after Rumi, am I to assume that his name is Sir Carter Carter? PLZ clarify this, B. Unless she’s really doubling down on her #FEMINISM and giving the twins her last name, which would mean Blue Ivy has a different last name than her sibs and that would be a real dick move. To be clear, I don’t love the name Rumi either but it’s not as downright preposterous and personally offensive as Sir Carter squared.

2. Wedding Season.

The weekend finally arrived- And it was MAGICAL!!! The weekend my best friend, my love of my life, and my new husband @brookslaich and I brought our family and closest friends together to have fun, encourage love, and celebrate our marriage! I'm so grateful I get to spend forever with this incredibly kind, thoughtful, strong and adventurous man. I'm the luckiest woman in the world to be your wife! It was truly the most special time in our lives and because we believe so much in putting love out into the world to help inspire and encourage others, we have decided to share our special day with all of you. To get an inside look check out the link below! Much love to you all! ❤️ J+B 👰🤵 http://people.com/tv/inside-julianne-hough-brooks-laich-wedding-photos/

A post shared by Julianne Hough (@juleshough) on

Julianne Hough got married to her hockey playin hunk and natch had Marchesa custom design like 1500 things for her to wear through the course of one day. She looked stunning of course and had a body suit created for her reception so she could drop it low in comfort. #Goals.

julianne-houghF:PHOTOMediaFactory ActionsRequests DropBox47867#juliannehoughsarah-falugo-julianne-hough-brooks-laich-wedding-1945.jpg

3. Emmy Noms.

Click HERE for full list of nominations but know that the only reason I bring this up is because soon enough it’ll be awards season again and I will be glued to my couch with wine and chips calling celeb fashion choices hideous. Also I always like to pat myself on the back when I’ve consumed something worthy of an award. This year I can check two off the list…Big Little Lies and This is Us. I think This is Us is incredibly overrated and everyone is shitting their pants over it just because TV has gotten SO bad but like also I’m not about to stop watching it and be out of sync with what the rest of the world is talking about. Big Little Lies on the other hand was addicting as shit and also might’ve given me a couple of nightmares. I put up with the darkness just so that I could tell people I’m cultured, obv. It’s like when I read 1000 trashy erotic novels and mix in ONE NY bestseller that everyone is buzzing about every year so that when someone says oh what’re you reading, I can swiftly reply with Girl on the Train and spark an intellectual conversation instead of shamefully admitting that I’m currently engrossed in “How to Handle a Cowboy” with a shirtless man on the cover.

4. Winter is Coming.

gracie-goldgus-kenworthy

Never on this planet am I looking forward to winter especially because summer basically just started and my full-on tan has finally kicked in. HOWEVER, everyone who knows me knows that I love to get down with the Olympics. Last winter Olympics my sister and I watched figure skating every day during work and I threw an Olympics themed house party that consisted of my 4 friends (while my parents were out of town) wearing red, white and blue and me shouting DRINK every time someone fell while skating or skiing. (Or if there was a closeup on Bob Costas’ juicy pink eye) Last summer I declared I was going to throw a round 2 of that party on opening night but then realized that it’s only fun to do in winter when there are no other options but to watch TV and drink. Also I was really hungover. Get ready to party in February 2018 though. Gus, the Sochi puppy rescuer of 2014 is back and figure skating is always LIT. (Are the youths still saying that?) Whatevs. South Korea here we come!

5. Ease Up on that Corduroy Jacket.

cordueroy

Apparently Zayn and Gigi are the Vogue poster children of gender fluidity because they “wear what’s comfy”. Well this is some bullshit. Just because Gigi throws a track suit on just like her boyfriend she’s suddenly a spokesperson for that new “it” phrase gender fluidity? Get outta town. I wear asexual sweatpant shorts and baggie tees/sweatshirts all the time. I thought it just meant that I was lazy and dressed kind of like a slob kebab, but apparently this whole time I’ve been championing a very important social cause. K.

voguegigizayn

POLITICS BONUS:

kidrock

The man who sang “Bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy” and wears fedoras over a doo rag is running for the US Senate. That is all.

EAR BONUS:

Too bad this song came out this week and narrowly missed the Summer Palooza 2017 cut. It’s pretty bada$$ though and I ship it.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/14/16

1-3. People continues to disappoint. 

What once was a joyous occasion, the unveiling of People’s Sexiest Man Alive, has quickly turned into an annual disappointment. In my early blog days I wrote a thinkpiece (whiny bitch blog) about how Ryan Gosling has never won and Chris Hemsworth didn’t deserve the title. I shit pretty hard on People. Then last year they listened and gave the honor to David Beckham, which was the most deserved. This year, I’m out again. Sure, The Rock is funny and looks gr8 in a turtleneck and mom jeans but that doesn’t make a sexiest man alive. Before I get on a rant…here’s  a quick list of five hot guys who are killing it this year, and deserve the cover just as much.

Scott-Eastwood-photo

Scott Eastwood is getting more movies after his Nicholas Sparks debut, he was a T Swift love interest and he looks like that. So yeah, he’s a contender.

Brett makes bangarang country music and DELIVERS on snapchat with a segment he calls “Bedhead Jams” where he serenades me (and ME ONLY) right before he goes to bed. It’s what dreams are made of, literally. Honorable mention to Edgar his new puppy who he cuddles sometimes for bedhead jams and it literally causes my heart to explode. Doesn’t get more classic than hot guys and puppies.

joebiden

Young Joe Biden. Nuff said.

milogif

2016 is straight up the year of Milo. This Is Us is snagging up those ratings with his hot sensitive dad thing and also Team Jess forever, he’s about to rock out a Gilmore Girls comeback as well. Welcome back, Milo. We’ve missed you.

Kris Bryant - Portrait

Shoutout to Kris Bryant, my #1 sexiest man alive of the moment, and the reason I became a Cubs fan during the World Series. I’m so glad I hopped aboard the Cubbies wagon when I did because they won the damn thing, Kris’s smile and ocean eyes mesmerized me on the winning play and also I got to learn the words to Go Cubs Go, which is a real hit song. I’m sure everyone appreciated me singing it drunk at the bar the following weekend. Anyway, Kris just won MVP and it would’ve been pretty sweet if he could’ve won that and a title for being sexy all in the same week. Whatever, People. Kris you’ll always have my heart as my first MLB boyfriend. Props to my dad who pointed him out to me then told me I definitely had a chance.

And as a bonus add:

jT

Because until he wins I’ll petition every single year. An all around entertainer and hunky slab of meat, JT has deserved to take home this W the most.

4. Meh on the Weekend. I’m very outspoken in the fact that Continuum is on my top ten CD’s of all time and I could listen to it forever and ever. Those were the days…back when JayMay was a little bit racist in Rolling Stone but crushed the soulful music. Then he disappeared and came back soft and put out shitty music. When he announced new music last week I was rubbing my hands together in anticipation and I gotta be honest I feel a little let down. I’ll give it a chance because JT’s big comeback was Suit & Tie (barf forever) and then he crushed it with the 20/20 experience but still…not impressed big J.

5a. Lucas Scott, the novelist. Chad Michael Murray wrote a romance novel and it’s not called The Comet. Psh. Sounds lame AF. No seriously though, I got excited for a Lucas Scott original IRL until I saw that it was an adventure novel with dabbles of romance. Count me OUT.

lucas

5b. In related news, the OTH gang reunited for the 100th convention last weekend in Chicago (where Sophia Bush films her TV show) and they still could only get about 4 characters to show up. We did get a little Scott brothers action though and for that I am thankful.

Bonus points for Taylor James making an appearance. CAUSE WHAT IS A OTH CONVENTION WITHOUT HER?!

I realize I kind of mailed in the JUice this week and for that I apologize and leave you with this picture of a FLAWLESS* Blake Lively hitting the red carpet for the first time since baby numero dos was born.

blake

 

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Television

Fall 2016 TV Premiere Guide

I typically like to try a few new shows each year to see if any are worthy of adding to my very diverse TV watching portfolio. This year seems a little light on the pilot content, probably because network TV is on the decline while it competes with online streaming services, but nevertheless, I still dedicated a whole Sunday to watching all of the new series that premiered last week. Keep reading for my opinions of what shows deserve a chance and what ones to skip.

WATCH:

Designated Survivor

designatedsurvivorabc

Wednesdays, 10P, ABC

As the new political series, this one hits A LITTLE close to home, so I can understand some people not wanting to watch. It follows Kiefer Sutherland, a secretary of urban development or something bottom rung in D.C. getting fired and then a mere 7 hours later being sworn in as President after a terrorist attack wipes out like everyone important in government. Due to the fact that our current election very closely resembles an SNL skit and ISIS is bombing cities left and right, this “fictional” show following a very likely story line is not for everyone. Judging by the pilot alone, which was quick-paced and interesting, I approve and will probably give it a chance.

This Is Us

thisisusnbc

Tuesdays, 10P, NBC

I was sold on this just by seeing Milo & Mandy at the helm, and then was even more hooked once I kept seeing everyone gushing over the SURPRISE TWIST. I will not spoil aforementioned twist, but it is quite unexpected and due to this change of page for a TV show format, I’m intrigued and put aside my conflict with shows that make me ugly cry to commit to this series. Plus, they really know how to make a lady blush by giving us a taste of Milo’s bare ass within the first ten minutes of the pilot. Bonus points for man meat mixed in with the inevitable case of the sads.

milogifthisisus

Notorious

notoriousabc

Thursdays, 9P, ABC

The first episode starts with a bang. Literally. Two people having sex in an office. That’s immediately followed by another character in the show about to have sex in HER office with a shirtless guy grilling and making dirty meat innuendos. This show is primetime T-rash and I support it wholeheartedly. I guess the premise of the show is the drama of a gossip news show and the secrets and backstabbing that occurs in order to produce it. All I know is that there are babes and scandal and murder and I’ve got all hands on deck.

SKIP:

Kevin Can Wait

kevincanwaitcbs

Mondays, 830P, CBS

If it wasn’t obvious, this show is King of Queens with kids. Kevin James plays a cop who has just retired and makes a lot of food/fat jokes. The end.

Bull

bullcbs

Tuesdays, 9P, CBS

A crime drama that I was so bored with in the first 10 minutes that I completely tuned out. Dr. Bull is Michael Weatherly so he’s obv super attractive and charismatic but I don’t really feel that he brings much else to the table. Other than of course PULLING OFF those dark frames. He’s not even a lawyer; he does something with the jury and is supposed to be super analytical. At one point he was imagining people speaking in court when they really weren’t and it was supes confusing. In breaking news I may be too dumb for this show.

Speechless

speechlessabc

Wednesdays, 830P, ABC

A bajillion sitcoms premiere every year and most of them end up cancelled before the first season ends, so I get that they’re trying to keep the format fresh but a plot about a family with a handicapped kid doesn’t really translate to LOL’s for me. Plus, the whole thing how I hate kids kind of cancels out a show all about middle school kids.

The Good Place

thegoodplacenbc

Thursdays, 830P, NBC

Kristen Bell is Eleanor who after death ended up in heaven but they made a mistake because she was actually a real asshole her whole life. Every time she does something turd-ish, the whole place gets punished so she has to try to hide that she should actually be burning in the pits of hell. Previews for this looked like dust but Mike Schur created it and he also created Parks & Rec so I had to give it a shot. So despite the fact that, “Do you have a second to eat my farts?” made me laugh out loud like a child, the show still stinks, much like a bunch of farts. Also if you’re not allowed to swear in heaven then you can COUNT ME OUT, BITCHES.

Pitch

pitchfox

Thursdays, 9P, FOX

In lazy fashion, I didn’t even watch this one for myself but my family saw the premiere (from a baseball dugout, VIP style) and they told me not to bother. This probably isn’t the best stance to take on a show that’s highlighting the first female major league baseball player but whatevz. According to the G-Man, TV critic extraordinaire “It was completely unrealistic and very predictable.” Those are some fightin’ words for Pitch, and teaches us all a lesson that not every show that Mark Paul Gosselaar is in can be a hit. In unrelated news…MPG and Michael Weatherly look SUH much alike.

Bull

The Paley Center For Media's PaleyFest 2015 Fall TV Preview - NBC

 

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