Music, Television

Grammys 2017 Recap

james

Since I can’t go like five minutes without voicing my opinion, I’ve decided to round up a quick recap of last night’s Grammys. Why? Because if I have to sit through 15 hours of television, I reserve the right to dissect every single thing that happened as if I am an expert on all things awards shows.  So in no particular order, here are the top five things that happened last night when I turned 35 watching a bunch of celebrities sing on TV.

1. I’m on Hiatus from the Hive.

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Just like every other basic bitch in America, I love Beyonce. She’s super rich, puts out bangers, and kind of scares me a little bit. Well, I’m also real enough to admit when she’s doing too much. Telling her husband to suck on her balls and stop cheating on her via song? Funny and cool. Wearing a gold headdress and doing an entire performance with children laughing and a recording of your own voice whispering a speech? Creepy AF. Performing her most snoozeworthy songs chopped up with her talking about women and moms while she sits like a robot on a tipping chair was enough. Even Blue was like ok, mom, wrap it up. After those weird pregnancy announcement photos I was on the fence and then everything she did at the Grammys last night tipped me over the edge. I’m using this platform to announce to you all that I’m taking a break, Ross and Rachel style, from the Beyhive. Will I be back the minute she sneezes those babies out? Obviously. But for right now I think it’s time that we see other people.

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2. John Travolta is still oblivious.

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It seems like we drag up Johnny T every year to collectively have a laugh at his expense at a major awards show. We’ve had him stroking out over Idina Menzel at the Oscars and then trying to get in on the joke the year after. Last night it was a pleasure to watch him and his diamond chainz read off of index cards because the teleprompter type isn’t big enough for his old person eyes. I want to believe that he’s self-aware and knows everything he does is weird but at the same time I know in my heart that John thinks he’s real life Danny Zuko, cool as a cucumber while all of Hollywood makes fun of him. And somehow that makes it better.

3. No Red Sox Fans in Hollywood. 

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We all knew it was coming, but I don’t think anyone expected it to be this awkward. Like Ellen’s Oscar selfie, it’s always a bigger host win if they can get as many famous people to play into a bit as possible. Unfortunately for James, I don’t think he anticipated not one single person knowing the words to Sweet Caroline. Even Neil Diamond was struggling and they were all clearly reading the lyrics off of a teleprompter. They didn’t even nail the SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD and drunk people in a bar can crush that! It was such a trainwreck that even Blue Ivy bopped over to see what all the fuss was. Apparently she thinks that just because she was born into the Illuminati she can crash a carpool karaoke sesh and then not sing when the mic is given to her. She better learn to start hamming it up real soon or she’ll be forgotten as soon as these twins are born.

4. Rihanna likes to party. 

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We always need someone in the audience to watch and although CBS wanted it to be Keith Urban with the amount that they panned to him grooving out, the real winner was Rihanna and her booze. If I had to sit through that awards show and look entertained with cameras on me you better believe that I’m gonna be tossing back shots from a diamond flask. At one point she literally goes, I think it’s time for another shot. I almost wished I was drinking last night so that RiRi didn’t have to do shots alone. I am nothing if not a polite social drinker. Never let your friend take a solo shot, that’s my motto.

5. Adele is Queen.

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Adele snuck right up to being my favorite person at the Grammys last night. At first I was like ok, Hello is the oldest song ever I don’t need to hear it again. But then she pulled a boss move by casually stopping her George Michael trib, tossing around a couple of F bombs and declaring a redo. It makes me love her even more knowing that she has a garbage can mouth because I don’t know if you know this about me, but I too appreciate a good swear word and if world class singer Adele can pull that shit and get a standing O, THEN SO CAN I. (Mom and Dad- pls remember that the next time I accidentally swear in your presence.) Anyway, Adele then went on to win all of the awards and slobber all over Beyonce in the process. Quickest way to make sure Beyonce fans don’t instantly hate you? Declare in your acceptance speech that Beyonce should’ve won and that’s obvious. Adele is always one step ahead.

Bonus: Ed working that loop like nobody’s biz. It’s no Castle on the Hill but I accept.

 

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Weekly JUice

Week of 2/29/16

1. The Museum of MK&A.

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Shout out to Lindsey for tipping me off to a kickstarter that funds a museum dedicated to the Olsen twins. Unfortuantely, upon further research I learned that this pitch BLOWS and I will be personally offended if anyone donates money to it. Instead of creating a 90’s utopia where everyone is required to wear bucket hats and pastel tinted shades, where you can watch unlimited “You’re Invited” movies, put anything your heart desires on a pizza and shop til you drop in the Magical Mystery Mall (did I just create Heaven or WHAT?!)…these two morons are raising money to display paintings of MK&A dodging the paps in NYC. No seriously, here are some examples…it’s BLASPHEMY.

2. Country Fire Flames.

It’s beginning to be that acceptable time of year where I don’t get downright depressed when listening to country music because it’s the dead of winter. Now that we’re getting closer around the bend to nice weather, I’m happy to bump this new jam from Jake Owen and pretend I live somewhere warm and full of southern gents.

3. Nothing is sacred. 

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High School Musical 4 is in the works because WE CAN’T JUST LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE. Seriously? High School Musical worked because when it came out the Disney channel was still cool and their original movies still rocked real hard. Now, the disney channel’s leading show is a fakeout sequel of Boy Meets World that really is just about two weird and annoying 6th graders who wear heels every day to middle school. Stop ruining shit, Disney. You’ve done enough.

4. Blue Ivy Rulez, Everyone else Droolz.

Look, we can dump all over the halftime show all we want but don’t say Uncle Chris tossin Blue Ivy around didn’t just explode your ovaries, ladies. Seriously, be cuter. YOU CAN’T.

5. Fuller House Season 2 Confirmed.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I got Fuller House over with as fast as I possibly could. The writer who said it was the worst pilot this year wasn’t being ridiculous. It really was. What’s even funnier is that Stamos is now teasing an Olsen twins comeback for the second season. They pretty much took a dump all over the twins in several very pointed and unfunny lines of dialogue in Fuller House so what they should be hoping for is the twins’ decision not to sue them. I don’t think they’ll be returning for season 2….I encourage everyone to watch this show so I can have a compadre to make fun of it with but other than that…no. Just no.

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Bonus: Obviously it was a light week for the JUice…but on the good news side of things, The Salty Ju is currently working on expanding into the business world of the internet…and by that I mean I’m working on selling my suuuuper KEWL pop culture-y mugs for all ya’ll. So get revved up for the debut of that next week. I know, I know… how are you supposed to sleep all weekend knowing that’s coming atcha?

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 2/8/16

1. Squad Up. You come at the Queen, you best not forget she has an army that worships her. Kanye decided that truces are for lil bitches and debuted a new song last night at the Garden where he rapped that he could’ve had sex with Taylor Swift and also he made “that bitch” famous. And the entire world cringed. Immediate bestie reactions included:

Getting a head start on some spring cleaning. Here we go again.

A post shared by Austin Swift (@austinkingsleyswift) on

#Mood Today ♥️ Hand in Hand

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Also, not for nothing, but do you think they’ll be selling these at the Great New York State Fair this year? I’d love to get one and maybe have them airbrush BaByGuRL at the bottom.

 

Double also, click here for Kanye’s self-involved babbling twitter rant that will probably be deleted right quick. Highlights include: Taylor came up with that lyric on her own, and his wife approved it so it’s Gucci. In addition, bitch is a term of endearment in the rap world. OKAY KANYE. #FACTS.

2. IT’S COMING. As the premiere date nears, the teasers are getting bigger and bigger (and my expectations get lower and lower.) This week 2 out of 3 Tanner sisters and a Gibbler debuted a new trailer on Ellen and talked more about the Olsen Twins because no one can let it the F go that they’re not a part of it. A little heavy on the “let’s nail every catchphrase from 1995 to show people what nostalgia looks like” but overall not horrible. I guess I didn’t realize until watching this trailer how perfect Deej is as a Danny 2.0. She was always a little neurotic and seeing her in this role makes complete sense. Can’t w8 to binge so hard on February 26th.

3. Craigslist Bros Get a Movie.

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Remember back when I was still in college and two Saratoga bruhs went viral for turning to Craig’s List for wedding dates? I do, because I almost applied. Why? Because they were hot and funny and going to a wedding in the town I lived in. HellooOo, OPEN BAR. Anyway, probably should’ve applied because they cashed in REAL hard on their 15 minutes of fame. They penned a book about how funny they are and then signed a movie deal allowing Zac Efron to play one of them. If that’s not winning, I don’t know what is. I wonder if they fought over which one was going to be played by Zac and which one by Adam Devine. Anyway, here’s the trailer for the movie. It looks pretty funny but seriously do these guys still live in the capital region? Get at me.

4. Where You Lead, I Will Follow (but maybe not)…

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Now that the Gilmore Girls reboot is official and starting to film, the comeback confirmations are piling up. Immediate sign-ons were obviously Lorelai, Rory, Luke, Emily then came the boyfriends Logan, Jess and Dean. And now they’re just F’ing with us and I’m not so sure if I’ll follow because they’ve thrown Sutton Foster into the mix, an actress who basically played a Lorelai carbon copy on Bunheads (produced by the same person as Gilmore Girls) and APRIL. THAT’S RIGHT. APRIL NARDINI the little NERD that broke up Luke & Lorelai is back to terrorize Stars Hollow. NO. THANKS. But really, I wouldn’t hate a Logan/Rory reunion, or a Jess/Rory reunion. Dean can kick rocks.

PS they’re literally bringing every character back except for Sookie. Which makes 0 sense. Kirk, Mrs. Kim, Lane, Paris, Michel, Christopher…everyone’s in except Melissa McCarthy. It’s gotta be a slap in the face that they would rather create a new character with Sutton Foster than bring back Sookie.

5. Ryan Reynolds is a DILF.

As if we didn’t already know this, but People felt the need to state the obvious and I’m not arguing it. RyRey getting another mag cover and probably hot bod spread really doesn’t bother me. Three cheers for DILFS and having the same taste in women. SERIOUSLY HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE LEGS?

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May your Valentines Day be full of trips to Red Lobster and mean muggin like Blue Ivy.

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