1. Taylor Swift begins the 1989 tour in Tokyo with 55,000 people and it’s outrageously over the top. Girl’s got a moving stage, thousands of outfit changes, literal flying paper planes and synchronized the stadium via wristbands that light up to the beat of her music. Did we expect anything less? No. Was I still in awe? Yes. I guess this is why tickets were half a month’s rent. Thanks for making me feel like a poor person, Taylor. Keep traveling the world and performing sick beats in your purple shiny ice dancer fit and flare though. Respect.
No but actually I’ve included a collection of her outfits below because I’ve never seen a better collection of crop tops/bodysuits in my whole life. White crop with knee high boots coming in hot at number 1. (Also Tay really knows her audience in the first pic…)
2. The Mindy Project got the ax from Fox. Sad news but I feel like there’s hope in it being revived online or a cable network…or at least this is what I’m telling myself to stay calm. If I don’t have more Morgan Tookers in my life hanging with baby animals like a weirdo I might lose it.
3. Honest Trailer released a Fifty Shades edition this week. It had the word butthole in it, more than once. I think you know how this made the list. If laughing out loud every time I hear the word buhhole is childish then call me Peter Pan because I don’t ever wanna grow up.
4. The Royal Baby was born BUT did you hear Becks is tearin it up on Insta? Charlotte, Shmarlotte…David Beckham got an instagram on his 40th (forty.holy shit.) birthday and clearly he knows what insta’s all about because he immediately posted a selfie from bed. Yum. Since then he’s been crushing it so you should obviously follow him if you want to drool over his hot bod and hot fam. Here’s a sampling to tide you over.
5. Stephen Merchant makes me conflicted between laughing or covering my eyes. Obviously creator of Lip Sync Battle is going balls to the wall (I guess literally) so please enjoy his recreation of Xtina and cringe. Also might I add that Talk Dirty NEVER gets old?
1. Zayn is going solo, 1D fans mourn him as if he’s dead, Harry cries, Zayn cries, everyone hates Simon Cowell.
So I reported last week that Zayn peaced out on the tour and there was speculation that he was taking a quick vacay to rehab, but this week he released a statement that he was officially leaving 1D to live a normal life as a 22 year old out of the spotlight. Obviously tweens around the world were on suicide watch, the remaining 1D members had to be like hey we’re still doing this thing so everyone CTFD and then today Zayn basically told everyone he’s going solo. Hey bruh, be more of a doucher. He’s obviously pulling the “I was doing something and my heart wasn’t in it, I hope you all want me to be happy” card but like going to the studio the very next day? Harsh. It wasn’t too long ago that he was telling me over a spaghetti dinner “But there’s nothing to be afraid of, Even when the night changes, It will never change me and you.” Well guess what, Zayn? IT DID CHANGE.
2. Entourage full trailer dropped and it has a bazillion celebs in it. I never watched Entourage really, I’ve seen a few episodes here and there but I’ll probably go see this movie because I like celebs and they’re all in it.
3. Super Troopers 2 comin atcha. Someone started a crowd funding page for the sequel of Super Troopers because here in America we don’t pay for stuff, we set up a website for other people to pay for our stuff and guess what?! It raised $2 Mill in like a day. All original troopers will be back which obviously means more Farva, who could probably have his own sequel. Whose excited for this? Say Car RamRod.
4. The Yankees do a scene from The Sandlot, and leave ARod out of it. Even though Jeets isn’t in this I can always appreciate a nice Sandlot reference, because it quite literally never gets old. Yanks are clearly trying to drum up some positive press since all they probably hear about is how they let ARod come back and everyone on earth hates him. I can’t embed the video, so click below for the link.
1. NYFW-DIS BLAKE’S SHIT. RESPECT THAT. BOW DOWN BITCHES. Seriously though is it New York Fashion Week or Blake Lively Week? Did she just have a baby or something? NBD but HBD.
Also Rihanna probably should’ve just turned around and went home in that bathmat top and strategically hanging off of her arms bedazzled jean jacket.
2. Taylor Swift releases music video for Style on Friday the 13th (duh). It was certainly not what I expected from Tay for this little number but watch below and then I’ll force my commentary on you.
Obviously Blank Space was a bananas video so to follow that is already tough stuff. This was an artsy approach to the one of many songs that were about her former lovah Harry. I guess I can respect the visuals and the tree trunk growing in her spine for the most part…Things that I really liked: the red lips when he looks in the rearview mirror although I don’t condone scaring someone when they’re driving at night. It’s been a known fear of mine to drive somewhere in the dark by myself, look in the rearview mirror and see someone’s face. So although it looked cool in the video it’s also terrifying. Anyway, I got sidetracked there–other things I liked: gratuitous abs and another stellar hot male lead, girl never disappoints in the man candy dept. Also when things got scandalous and there was a little sex tryst that resulted in lightning. I think she’s trying to tell us she’s got mad bedroom skillz. Lastly the white criss cross crop was killing it. Things I could do without: barefoot in the woods,all of the superimposed eyes coming in hot. Too many eyes, too little faces. Will they ever find each other?
3. Brett Eldredge throws an impromptu karaoke bar crawl in Nashville. Sex on a stick, Brett confirmed what I’ve believed for many years now, that I should probably live in Nashville, when he posted an instavideo telling people to meet him at Warner Music if they wanted to do some karaoke. He then filled a party bus and went bar hopping with a bunch of strangers singing karaoke. Some of the songs he sang included: No Diggity, Ignition, Bang Bang, The Joker by Steve Miller Band and obviously he did his best impression of himself when he noticed his own songs were on the karaoke machine as well. My obsession with Brett grew three sizes and I wasn’t even there to witness this. If I was there I ABSOLUTELY would’ve knocked it out of the park with Bye, Bye, Bye. Brett could be the JC to my JT any day.
4. Missy Elliott’s music video dancer still goes HAM on those moves. While rest of the world quickly forgot about Missy after the Super Bowl I obviously did not and went on a binge of her classics so when I stumbled upon this video I felt it was necessary to share, to keep the Missy love alive. Alyson Stoner was like an 8 year old dancer in every single one of Missy’s music videos and she was a little white girl with puffy bangs who was G AF. Example:
She was also in Cheaper by the Dozen, Step up (s), and Mike’s Super Short Show for all you Disney kids like me. Naturally as fading stars do, Alyson caught a wiff of the Missy nostalgia and just made a Missy Tribute video (she ain’t dead yet gurl) showing off her moves from the music video days–mostly to hawk that she’s now a singer too, but we’ll let it slide. She’s still a straight up gangster and I’m big enough to admit my dance skillz are sub-par so it was cool to watch. All this buzz is probably leading up to a Missy comeback and I love every minute of it.
5. In honor of 50 Shades opening weekend, here’s the only appearance leading up to the premiere that didn’t make me cringe all over. Jamie Dornan on the Tonight Show doing some sexy accents and popcorn reading. If you’re going to see the movie this weekend just close your eyes and picture his buttery accent wafting over your body instead of bland.com Dakota Johnson/Anastasia meekly whispering her lines while the two of them exude the sexual tension of cardboard. Happy Valentine’s Day ❤
The Grammy’s are the biggest awards show for music, and they usually contain only a handful of awards and then several hours of performance. This is a great concept because most people would rather see the performances anyway, IF THEY’RE FUN AND UPBEAT. Last night’s show was the MOST boring awards show I’ve ever watched. They allowed snooze machine after snooze machine get onstage and croon out slow jams. It was a real struggle to stay awake for almost three hours with every performance serenading me to sleep. It was also the night of oldies collaboration, I assume in attempts to teach our youth who the classics are so they can cut the shit with tweeting out “AC/DC sounds like a really cool new artist.” I’m guessing it didn’t work. (Mostly because “Who Is Beck” was trending…)
We started off the night being reminded that LL Cool J is still hosting this thing, 20 years later. He’s also still wearing the same Kangol and licking those juicy lips every 30 seconds. Good to see some things never change. (He also forgoes a monologue…probably because he doesn’t want to get boo’ed off the stage—by me.)
The opening act is AC/DC and looking back I think this is the point where the Grammy’s really fooled us. I can see it now, some producer saying let’s open the show with a rockin performance from AC/DC so they’ll get all riled up for a bangin show and then we’ll hit em with the snooze button for the remaining three hours. Nailed it. This performance was for the old people and they really hit their target audience because I got a text from my mom that just said “ACDC!!!!” She was pretty excited. I personally kept thinking I was watching the final performance from School of Rock and was waiting for Zack Mooneyham to come out and melt faces with his guitar solo because of this outfit:
Here’s the breakdown of the rest of the night…
Sleepies:
-Ariana Grande’s performance of “Just A Little Bit of Your Heart” gives me just a little bit of the sleepies.
-Jessie J and old guy (Tom Jones…I googled it) sing “You’ve Lost That Lovin Feeling” and Jessie J’s atrocious outfit is distracting me from this weird duet. Also Jessie’s voice wasn’t on point as it usually is.
-Kanye has his first Grammy’s performing in 6 years. I know that because the announcers reminded me 10 times, I’m surprised Kanye also didn’t remind us. He has a single spotlight on him as he sings “Only One” about baby North with an Autotuner. He’s also dressed up for the occasion with a full red sweatsuit. Side Note: Is autotune still a thing? I thought T-Pain killed it like 6 years ago. (AKA the last time Yeezus was allowed to perform at the Grammy’s. Never mind, it makes sense now.)
-Adam Levine & Gwen Stefani sing a song with only the words yes and yeah in it. It blows and Gwen tries to riff it up like Xtina would. No, no, no. They both look hawt though, so there’s that.
– Hozier performs “Take Me To Church” with that mop of curls and Annie Lennox pops in to give us all the scaries and sing a bunch of noises with crazy eyes.
-Prezzy Barack Obama makes a cameo to remind us how awful domestic abuse is, I’m lookin at you Chris Breezy. Then we’re all treated to a weird poetic speech from a domestic abuse survivor and by the end of her talk I genuinely thought I had just watched a scene from a play. It was a nice touch to add some downer abuse and violence snippets to a show full of sad, slow songs. High alert for wrist cutting last night.
-Katy peforms in a tight white dress that makes her look 3 months pregs and there are no gimmicks, no sharks with legs, and CERTAINLY no Missy. Booooooooo.
-Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett perform “Cheek to Cheek.” Gags writhes her body all over Tony’s and I don’t know how he doesn’t have a heart attack on the spot. She clearly rolled around in Cheeto dust pre-performance and also doesn’t know what to do with her hands because they keep spazzing.
-The KING of grooving, Ursher baby, sings a LULLABY with a harp and Steve Wonder comes out for a hot second. WHY. This is the point of the night where I had given up on ever hearing happy music again.
-The SUPER hyped up collaboration of Rihanna, Paul McCartney & Kanye where Paul’s mic is 100% turned off. He’s just there for shock value and to fuel more youth tweets of “Who is Paul McCartney?” Rihanna sounds gr8 even though she is wearing a baggy suit from Men’s Warehouse. Kanye tries to steal the show the entire time. At one point he shouts at Paul to pay his bail, it’s the most interaction Paul gets all night as he mimes into a muted mic and tries to keep up with the cool kids who are about four five seconds from WILDIN’.
-Sam Smith and Mary J Blige perform “Stay With Me” TWICE. Great voices, not exactly an upper.
-Chris Martin & Beck perform and basically are twins. They sing a slow song, obv.
-Beyonce was who I was waiting for all night to end the show on a BANG. She comes out wearing an angel-esque wedding gown with a full choir behind her and I slip into a deep coma never to return again. It’s embarrassing how long I waited for her to strip that gown off and shout BRING DA BEAT IN. Spoiler alert: She didn’t.
-John Legend and Common perform Glory after Bey and I think I was throwing things at my TV at this point. JK I was sleeping.
Highlights:
-Pharrell wins solo pop performance, struts onstage in his biz Bermudas and says “this is really awkward” a couple times before getting played offstage. If he’s referring to wearing knee length dress shorts to an awards show than I agree, it is really awkward.
-Miranda performs “Little Red Wagon” in a full leather bodysuit and cowboy boots, the sass is AMPED up and she wins the award for most upbeat song of the night.
-The REAL Barry Gibb comes onstage to present and all I want to see is this:
-Madonna the 56 year old wearing a red corset bodysuit has the second most upbeat performance of the night and she basks in the glory by slamming her crotch into her dancers faces. Her barf.com arms also make a debut when she strips her sparkle jacket off and the grand finale is when her limp body is risen above the stage. You do you, Madge.
-Josh Duhamel, Julian Edelman and Malcolm Butler present an award, clearly Malcolm gets a little nervsies and poops his pants trying to read the teleprompter, then they tell a cheesy interception joke when Malcolm snatches the winner out of Josh’s hands. LOL. No but seriously, I didn’t even care that this was super awks, Josh Duhamel and Julian Edelman were standing side by side and it was a breathtaking view. Fingers crossed Edelman took my advice on snatching phones up in Hollywood last night or we’re gonna have a lot of pics to sift through this morning from all his lays.
-Ed performs “Thinking out Loud” and it is magic and there might be some tears from me out of sheer joy from Ed saving this trainwreck. John Mayer joins him onstage just to make weird faces and play backup guitar. Go away, John. This is Ed’s moment. (Kim K is the only one sitting when Ed gets a standing O at the end. Killlll yerrrrseeelllffff.)
-Ed performs with some old people (Electric Light Orchestra?) and we get the funniest moment of the night when they pan to Paul McCartney as the ONLY one standing and getting his groove on. They keep a camera on him for so long it basically shames him into sitting down. Way to go, producers.
-This guy’s hair:
-BECAUSE WE JUST CAN’T LET HAPPY DIE. Pharrell performs a “new version” and is wearing a bellhop uniform with yellow sequin sneaks. The start of his performance his him shouting out things and Google Translate shouting it back to him in other languages. There’s choir action and piano solos and at the end Pharrell says, “I’m in your service oh Lord.” Bruh, God is ALSO sick of Happy so if you were in his service you wouldn’t have played it. Get outta here.
-Prince is still a creeper.
-Beck wins album of the year and asks for a recount. Kanye stands up to try to do a repeat of “Imma let you finish but…Beyonce had the best video of all TIME.” Beck welcomes him onstage to save us all from his awkward speech full of long pauses but Kanye’s like nah JUST KIDDING GUYS. I’m a sensitive father now, I don’t play that game anymore. Buzzzzzzzkilllllll.
-Apparently Kanye & T.Swizz do the Parent Trap handshake during a commercial break and become besties again, 6 years post-incident. If there’s also a collab in the future I quit music.
-Sia’s performs Chandalier with an extravagant set that is supposedly recreating a painting of “The Invisible Man” (This obv. went way over my head, but I read it somewhere.) The performance opens with Shia LaBeouf reading a strange letter. Sia stands in the scene facing the wall, singing and her dancers are Maddie Ziegler from Dance Moms and Kristen Wiig. Kristen hopping around in a leotard and doing goofy faces made me laugh out loud like I was watching an SNL sketch. Prob not what Sia was going for, but it was interesting to say the least. Also personal note to Sia: cut the shit with the hiding of your face. She does it because she doesn’t want to be famous YET we all know what she looks like. Enough is enough. I was praying she would win to see how she would handle her acceptance speech. Would she steal one of Daft Punk’s helmets from last year?
-Lots of blind jokes with Stevie Wonder and Jamie Foxx. Good to see he still has a sense of humor about his lack of sight.
-Sam Smith won literally all of the awards. He thanked his ex-BF for being a scumbag and getting him all deeze Grammy’s and also confessed that he once tried to lose weight to be successful and the lesson to take away here is don’t ever diet because if you don’t you’ll have four Grammys to show for it.
Winners:
Best New Artist- Sam Smith
Best Solo Pop Performance- Happy, Pharell
Best Pop Vocal Album-Sam Smith
Best R&B Performance- Drunk in Love, Beyonce
Best Rock Album- Beck
Best Country Album- Miranda Lambert
Album of the Year- Beck
Song of the Year- Stay With Me, Sam Smith
Record of the Year- Sam Smith
As a reward for sitting through that pile of sad, slow garbage, here’s the best performances from last year to cleanse you:
It was music’s biggest night and the singers put on their best, which unfortunately wasn’t great. The best dressed list was a true struggle to populate and it’s not just because I’m a judgmental asshole. I had people weigh in this time. Let’s get things started with the never-ending
Worst Dressed:
Ariana Grande with her signature tight ponytail that looks like it’s painful and a gown that looks like it was unfinished so they pinned a scrap of metallic material over it in an emergency.
Ashanti. Do less. Also how dare you show up to the Grammy’s without Ja Rule on your arm? Show some respect.
Charli XCX. Do even less than Ashanti. Was this supposed to be a bit? Did I miss something here?
Trash bag meets unraveling loofah on Ciara.
Damn it with those milkmaid braids that look to be weighing your head down, Iggy. I don’t even hate the dress because I’ve seen her do worse, but those braids really rough it up.
Legit question, why is Jane Fonda at the Grammys? In a green leisure suit nonetheless.
I actually don’t understand how Kanye is seen as a fashion icon. His obsession with deep V’s is almost as aggress as his wife’s obsession with showing off her lady bits on the internet.
I had to do a double take because I thought that Katharine McPhee was JWoww.
I think I actually like the purple hair more than I like this dress.
Kimmy, thanks for gracing the Grammy’s with your presence in a bedazzled bathrobe. Would you like me to grab your slippers?
Bonus points for matching the hair to the dress but yikes put the bewbs away.
KANGOL. NUFF SAID.
Madonna, you’re 56, woof. Time to retire the corsets.
This is conservative for Miles. That being said she looks straight up terrible. Is she coming down from a bender?
I would expect nothing less from someone who sings about buhholes.
Pharrell & Wife trying to one-up his historic Arby’s hat moment from last year with a nice readywear gym couples outfit.
Rihanna saw this online and thought it was cool. I’m wondering if that means she stumbled upon the DIY loofah costumes on Pinterest. She looks like she’s 400 pounds.
Ryan Adams taking his divorce with Mandy Moore well in a Canadian Tuxedo.
The Dumb and Dumber hairstyle, the hideous colored dress and matching lip. No thank you, Zendaya.
Best Dressed:
Anna Kendrick with the ever popular this season, tuxedo-no bra combo.
BeyBey with the mermaid waves and form-fitting lace gown.
Chrissy Teigen crushes red carpet looks all day erreday.
Gwen Stefani wearing the pantsuit well and also keeping up appearances for her performance (see recap).
I see you in that green velvet suit, Jesse. ❤
Jennifer Hudson’s hair is looking pretty mom-ish but damn that body! The dress fits her well and looks great.
MJ Blige with an age approps and beautiful gown.
I’m still half in half out on this one, but I think I’m leaning toward in so here it is. Meghan Trainor trying something different.
Not my favorite for Miranda but she crushes her peformance outfit so that helped her make this list. (see recap)
Normally not a hat person but Ne-Yo is lookin real smooth.
Nick Jonas with the fitted plaid suit paired with white kicks. Wish he picked different shoes but he looks real trendy.
Nicole truly looks the best I’ve seen her look in a long time. Keith doesn’t deserve to be on the best dressed because of THAT HALF UP, HALF DOWN HAIRDO. NO KEITH. NO PONIES. (He also seems pretty casj about Nicole TOWERING over him.)
Lovin on that dress on Kimberly and the sleek pony.
Hate the hair, half in on the dress. I think the sparkles distracted me. And I drank a lot of wine tonight.
Jessie J in this sheer black number is pretty classy. Never into the greasy slicked back hair.
AND THE BEST DRESSED OF THE EVENING GOES TO:
This isn’t even me being a biased Taylor super fan. This look is awesome. The dress fits well, has sass in the back, is a spicy color and the legs + purple heels just seal the deal for me. Could’ve gone without the earrings that look like ones my mom used to have that I thought were costume jewelry and she was like no these are real earrings I wear in public, but whatever. I’m not going to nitpick, it’s not really my style. 😉
Keep reading for the full 4 hours condensed into highs, lows and cat naps in my Grammy’s Recap.
1. I missed the Critics Choice Awards last night. That’s on me. And reading about it is giving me FOMO because apparently any awards show that I DON’T watch is when things happen: Michael Strahan hosted and did a Magic Mike routine, John Kraskinski & Emily Blunt were cute as shit and Kevin-Silver Fox-Costner won a lifetime award. Whatever. Here’s the worst looks:
And the best looks:
2A. Even though I did a full recap and fashion blog on the Globes, there were some worthy next day shots of after party outfits that deserved to be addressed. (Mainly I can’t go without giving props to my girl Tay.) Here are some of my fave outfits for people who were cool enough to party but not enough to attend the awards.
To be clear, Taylor is the best dressed here.
2B. While we’re on the topic of Jennifer Aniston, let’s discuss another tidbit to come after the Globes. Remember when Billy Bob Thornton accepted his Golden Globe for Fargo and basically said everything he says gets him in trouble so he’ll just say thank you? Apparently Billy didn’t apply this rule to his post-Globes interviews. When asked to play Would You Rather with Jen Aniston or Reese Witherspoon, Billy revealed it’s his life goal to take Jen to poundtown. No word on if he would also like to exchange vials of blood with her but I’ll be happy to keep you posted on the matter. (Shoutout to Den for the goss. tip)
3.Kelly Clarkson came out of what I can only assume was retirement (it’s been a while) and released Heartbeat Song, which is a great jam so get groovin to it this weekend. Also her bowling ball head child named after a body of water produced it or something.
4. Idina Menzel will be singing Let it Go The National Anthem at the Superbowl. You know what would be REALLY patriotic? If I could go five minutes without getting the song Let it Go stuck in my head. America has ruined winter, Idina Menzel and everything snowman related with that damn song and I just want to live my life Let it Go free. If there are ANY superbowl promos that play this song when announcing her singing the national anthem I will LITERALLY chop both of my ears off because I will no longer be needing them in this Let it Go world. If we’re being honest I’m actually surprised there aren’t more ear cutting incidents with parents of small children who probably play this song/movie on repeat. End rant. (Just so we’re clear just typing the song title that many times ensured that the song is in my head for the rest of the day). Also John Legend will be singing America the Beautiful and this I can stand behind wholeheartedly. John has the voice of an angel and I will approve of him serenading forever and ever.
5. Mariah Carey is banished to Vegas. Not a minute too soon really….Just kidding, she should’ve been shipped to Vegas for her show girl act roughly circa 2001. Props to her for trying to stay relevant for as long as she did. I’m gonna go ahead and assume her abomination of All I Want For Christmas Is You at the NYC tree lighting this year pretty much sealed the deal. If you’re looking for the revival of butterflies and rhinestone frocks, be sure to pre-order your tickets now to see her Vegas act at Caesar’s Palace (side note: do you think the real Caesar lived there? Asking for a friend. You’re welcome for bringing back a 5 year old movie quote.) Also in other sad sap Mariah Carey news her baby husband Nick Cannon has filed for divorce. YIKES. Getting the D bomb AND the Vegas act all in one week. #ThoughtsandPrayers
Obviously everyone knows that the stars aligned and Taylor Swift turned 25 on 12/13/14 and coincidentally threw the banger of the century with celeb crowds better than any awards show. (Mostly because Snapchat forced everyone to know, making a cat cartoon filter for every picture snapped on this holy day.) Everybody who is ANYBODY was at Tay’s party, as evident in the slur of photos below that gave me a real outrageous amount of FOMO on Saturday morning. The biggest shocker wasn’t the fact that Mr. King of Pop JT graced this little shindig with his presence but The King and Queen themselves also showed up. WHAT is that you say? The two most anti-social, royal subjects of Hollywood settled and hob-nobbed with T Swift and a bunch of commoners for her 25th? I was just as shocked as you, obviously.
Since this happened over the weekend while everyone was enjoying their regular normal people activities I was going to let it slide without a specific blog…but then JT had his Brooklyn concert last night and the popular crowd reunited and I just couldn’t stand by and watch this silently for one more second. It appears that Queen B and her man didn’t just show up to Taylor’s party as a charity write-off…Bey and Tay are now besties who dance togets at JT concerts. These two have united and prepare yourself for a slaying because no one knows what could happen next. A secret joint release? A music video with dorky vs. queen twerk-offs? Tay babysitting Blue? The sky is the limit people–brace yourselves for a takeover.
Sunday night TV was real slow, so I sat down with Babs to see what hard hitting questions she would throw at the most fascinating people of the year and also for the big reveal of number 1. Did you miss it? No worries, I’ll keep this recap short and sweet, like I wish this special would have been.
Babs starts out her intro with “Hi you may remember me, Barbara Walters.” I didn’t realize we had a stand-up comedian hosting this special. The tone was set for a hilarious two hours. She reminded us that this special was supposed to be retired last year because it is tired and she’s picked the same people every single year forever, but ABC wanted more money so they brought it back thirsty for profits and ratings. (Side Note: Barbara’s suuuper expressive eyes after every few words got REAL creepy, REAL quick.)
Scarlett Johansson: Why she is on this list is baffling to me but she talks about how she’s actually short, she believes relationships are hard and monogamy isn’t natural and she’s open about being in therapy. Babs hears that Scarlett got her start in musical theater and DEMANDS that Scarlett sing a number on the spot despite how uncomfortable Scarlett clearly is with the idea. (Who ever declared that Barbara Walters was GREAT at interviewing was seriously wrong. She’s super awk.) Scarlett sings a little bit and looks like she wants to get the hell out of there. It was snoozeworthy at best.
Neil Patrick Harris: It’s hammered home that Neil can literally do everything, including magic. Coming out to his family was tough at first because his dad thought that he would whore out at clubs, now they’re more accepting. I didn’t realize that Neil came out mid-How I Met Your Mother in 2006 after a tabloid threatened to out him. Pretty aggress. Both him and his husband David fathered a child but they don’t know which kid they’re the biological father of. Babs asked multiple times if they would ever want to find out which kid is biologically theirs and NPH had to say no several times. USE YOUR EARS, BABS.
David Koch: Literally no interest level in this person, I turned my ears off. (Also there was a tech guy included in the special, whose name I already forgot because he was NOT fascinating to me.)
Chelsea Handler: She had to clear the air for the 1000th time that she never wanted to replace Letterman because she’s not a network girl and will never want to be censored or have to follow rules. Revealed that her oldest brother died when she was growing up because he fell off of a cliff and this is possibly why her dad is such a maniac. Good ole Chels got a DUI when she was 21 and had recently moved to Hollywood and in her class that she was required to take afterward she got up and was telling stories and someone told her she should be a standup and that’s where that came about. Love that hot mess. She said she would consider getting married just to try it for a little bit. Babs told Chels with her eyes that it was wrong to be so slutty and loose. Judgement city.
Oprah: Barbara reminds us that she’s interviewed Oprah four million times. Oprah has no regrets about not having kids, her and Stedman are still going strong. O talks about being sexually assualted at a young age and then becoming skanktastic and getting pregnant at 14 and being sent to live with her dad who told her he’d rather have her dead than pregnant. Uh oh. Surprise! Oprah ended up losing the baby and it became her “second chance” and her life became completely different. Babs and Oprah slobber all over each other and talk about how they’re obsessed with each other and end the interview with a creepy smile handshake.
Michael Strahan: Michael used to be a heffer, Jane Fonda tapes made him skinny. He’s been married a couple of times and the first marriage was casj and they’re still friends, the second marriage ended wooftastic and it was in the tabs that he was gay or he cheated and Michael proved to be a real stand-up guy, kept quiet and took all the backlash because he didn’t want to disgrace his kids. He also never wants to fix the gap in his teeth. (B.Walterz really digs deep with her questions.)
George RR Martin: I can’t physically listen to this guy talk because I have never seen/read Game of Thrones. Literally no idea what he’s talking about half the time. Apparently he finds it offensive when people say he’s going to croak before he finishes writing the series. I wonder why he would find that offensive…
Taylor Swift: This interview was WAY too short. Basically they talked played out questions, Tay told America that every time they say she’s gonna write a song about a boy it’s the oldest joke and basically the media is a bunch of sexist pigs because they would never say that about men writing about their personal lives. GET EM TAY. Also she talks about how in the past five years she hasn’t been alone (YIKES), kicking it with her fans at her houseS and looking at their instagrams keeps her grounded and she DOES drink alcohol, she’s 25 after all. Also she’s serious about being single these days (yawn).
DRUMROLL PLEASE. The most fascinating person according to Ms. Barbara Walters is Amal (Alamuddin) Clooney. Here’s what I don’t understand…she just talks about Amal. There is no interview, I’m assuming there’s no consent from Amal so WHAT is the point of this? Instead Bab’s shows a bunch of clips of her interviewing George Clooney and basically makes it all about him and how he swore up and down that he would never get married and all the people that he dated since he said that. I’m sure this was really uplifting for Amal, as she watches the segment about her that Barbara Walters clearly just googled and reported over a backdrop of public photos in a slideshow. What a crock of bullshit. You tricked us all, Babs. (Just me? Oh ok.)
Yeah, yeah, this happened Monday and technically now it’s old news but it would be embarrassing if I rounded up the best headlines from the week and glossed over this. If you saw this photo of the royals mingling with Will & Kate and didn’t immediately wonder what they could possibly talking about then I don’t want to know you as a person. I mean they could’ve been marrying off George and Blue Ivy for all we know. (Fingers crossed) Also Lebron James obviously tried to insert himself into the cool kids group, grammed a picture with Will & Kate and called them the Queen and the Prince and himself the King (naturally) and then quickly corrected it. He also took a lot of heat (pun intended) for how grabby he was with the Duchess and how that’s real frowned upon in England. Get it together, Lebron. Gawd. Stop making our country look trashy & sweaty.
PS In fresher Queen B news, she released a short film today for the one year anniversary of the secret album heard round the world. I watched it and considered including it in the juice, but it’s 11 mins and 30 seconds worth of cliche quotes and weird artsy scenes and I will not subject my readers to that. Watch at your own risk and be prepared to hear a lot of quotes you usually see on the poster in the Dentist’s office.
2. Marky Mark and Jimmy Fallon have a giant hand slapfest.
Do I have the maturity level of a 5 year old who couldn’t stop laughing at two grown men big hand slapping each other? Absolutely and I’ve come to terms with that. Mark has been in the news a lot lately for being a big jerk who wants to be pardoned for his near murder of a man when he was just a kid on the dirty streetz of Dorchestah. It was nice to see him settle down and have some nice goofy times with Jimmy, and also letting Jimmy mess up his stupid slicked hair. SLICKED HAIR ISN’T HOT MARKY MARK. But this is:
3. The Golden Globes and SAG Nominees were announced–which means we’re closer to more awards show recaps from yours truly!! The biggest jazz about this nominees list is that Ben Affleck got snubbed, as is now a tradition apparently. On the bright side, someone in a dark corner of the Internet released the uncut shower scene from Gone Girl and we can all bask in the glory of Ben’s junk. It’s unfortunate that the one quality movie I did see this year (Gone Girl) only got a few noms. So everyone can look forward to me fully focusing on making fun of the Golden Globes rather than giving film reviews, as I clearly don’t watch award-winning movies.
Golden Globe Full Nominee List:
BEST MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA Boyhood
Selma
The Imitation Game
The Theory of Everything
Foxcatcher
BEST ACTRESS, MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Reese Witherspoon, Wild
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl
Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything
Jennifer Aniston, Cake
BEST ACTOR, MOTION PICTURE DRAMA
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Steve Carell, Foxcatcher
David Oyelowo, Selma Jake Gyllenhaal, Nightcrawler
BEST DIRECTOR
Richard Linklater, Boyhood
Alejandro González Iñárritu, Birdman
Ava DuVernay, Selma
David Fincher, Gone Girl
Wes Anderson, The Grand Budapest Hotel
BEST TV DRAMA The Good Wife
Downton Abbey
Game of Thrones
The Affair
House of Cards
BEST ACTOR, TV SERIES, DRAMA
Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
Clive Owen, The Knick
Dominic West, The Affair
James Spader, The Blacklist
Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan
BEST ACTRESS, TV SERIES, DRAMA
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Robin Wright, House of Cards
Viola Davis, How to Get Away With Murder
Ruth Wilson, The Affair
Claire Danes, Homeland
BEST MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL OR COMEDY Birdman
Into the Woods
St. Vincent
Pride
The Grand Budapest Hotel
BEST ACTRESS, MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Emily Blunt, Into the Woods
Amy Adams, Big Eyes
Julianne Moore, Maps to the Stars
Helen Mirren, The Hundred-Foot Journey
Quvenzhané Wallis, Annie
BEST ACTOR, MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL OR COMEDY Michael Keaton, Birdman
Ralph Fiennes, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Bill Murray, St. Vincent
Joaquin Phoenix, Inherent Vice
Christoph Waltz, Big Eyes
BEST TV COMEDY Girls
Jane the Virgin
Orange Is the New Black
Silicon Valley
Transparent
BEST ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES, COMEDY
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
Taylor Schilling, Orange Is the New Black
Lena Dunham, Girls
Gina Rodriguez, Jane the Virgin
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
BEST ACTOR IN A TV SERIES, COMEDY
Don Cheadle, House of Lies
Ricky Gervais, Derek
Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent
Louis C.K., Louie
William H. Macy, Shameless
BEST TV MINISERIES OR MOVIE True Detective
Fargo
The Normal Heart
Olive Kitteridge
The Missing
BEST ACTRESS IN A TV MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Frances McDormand, Olive Kitteridge
Maggie Gyllenhaal, The Honorable Woman
Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Freak Show
Frances O’Connor, Missing
Allison Tolman, Fargo
BEST ACTOR IN A TV MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Matthew McConaughey, True Detective
Billy Bob Thornton, Fargo
Martin Freeman, Fargo
Woody Harrelson, True Detective
Mark Ruffalo, The Normal Heart
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A TV SERIES, MINISERIES, OR MOTION PICTURE
Allison Janney, Mom
Uzo Aduba, Orange Is the New Black
Kathy Bates, American Horror Story: Freak Show
Michelle Monaghan, True Detective
Joan Frogatt, Downton Abbey
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A TV SERIES, MINISERIES, OR MOTION PICTURE
Matthew Bomer, The Normal Heart
Jon Voight, Ray Donovan
Bill Murray, Olive Kitteridge
Alan Cumming, The Good Wife
Colin Hanks, Fargo
BEST SCREENPLAY, MOTION PICTURE
Birdman
Boyhood
Gone Girl
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM Ida Tangerine Mandarin Leviathan Force Majeure Gett: The Trial of Viviane Amsalem
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR, MOTION PICTURE
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
Edward Norton, Birdman
Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Robert Duvall, The Judge
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS, MOTION PICTURE
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Emma Stone, Birdman
Meryl Streep, Into the Woods
Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game
Jessica Chastain, A Most Violent Year
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
The Lego Movie
Big Hero 6
How to Train Your Dragon 2
The Boxtrolls
The Book of Life
BEST ORIGINAL SONG
John Legend & Common, “Glory” (Selma)
Lana Del Rey, “Big Eyes” (Big Eyes)
Patti Smith, “Mercy Is” (Noah)
Sia, “Opportunity” (Annie)
Lorde, “Yellow Flicker Beat” (The Hunger Games: Mockingjay — Part I)
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE
Johann Johannsson, The Theory of Everything
Alexandre Desplat, The Imitation Game
Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross, Gone Girl
Antonio Sanchez, Birdman
Hans Zimmer, Interstellar
4. Lauren Conrad was featured on a Pop Innovator special on E! last night and I couldn’t have been more excited to watch it. Trey made an appearance because he’s still a supportive BFF to LC and he also aged REAL well. It also featured the creator of Laguna Beach/The Hills, LC’s whole family, best friend & business partner and her agent. It was a behind the scenes look at the life of Lauren Conrad including some real adorbsies home videos and childhood photos. Things I learned: 1. LC’s 22 year old brother is a smoke, where has he been hiding? 2. LC was supposed to be at a soccer game the day they had auditions for Laguna Beach and she didn’t go and therefore was kicked off the team–LC was an ATHLETE?! 3. She agreed to do The Hills mostly for the paycheck…a TV show about her life is literally comparable to the rest of us taking a receptionist job right out of college..doing it for the paycheck/insurance. That immediately put my life into perspective. 4. Apparently the Teen Vogue internship was an actual internship (not all scripted) and she was expected to do intern things even though her cover photo hung on the wall in the office. Side note: Blaine made an appearance and is still very hot and was much nicer than he ever was on The Hills. 5. In case you hadn’t already figured it out, my girl crush on LC has grown three sizes since watching this. Plus she looked GREAT on the special:
5. Barbara Walters Announced Most Fascinating People on The View. Babs named: Neil Patrick Harris, Oprah Winfrey, Taylor Swift, Chelsea Handler, Michael Strahan, Scarlett Johansson, and David Koch will be featured in her annual most fascinating people special. The additional three interviewees will be revealed during the broadcast. I’m like 90% sure she picks the same people every year but if it’s a slow TV night you bet your bottom dollar I’ll be watching and possibly blogging about it. Might be good for some juicy TSwizzle tidbits.
Outfit on point as alwayz
Bonus: For my fellow New Girl fans (or Cuse people) Zooey Deschanel filmed fat Schmidt lip synching and dancing to Rihanna. (Follow link below)
The VS Fashion Show is the only fashion show that all people of all genders can find mutual interest in watching. The guys watch in hopes that the camera will linger long enough on the model’s ladybits, and the women watch it to judge the models while they shove ice cream in their face and lay in bed wrapped in a snuggie. (Just me? Oh ok.) Regardless, us girls have had a nice treat two years in a row now watching Taylor Swift become an honorary angel and slay the runway. Without further ado, here are the highlights of last night’s installment.
The Show Highlights:
-Within seconds of the first model walking, the camera flashed to Taylor’s reaction backstage and we are all reminded why we are here…to watch Tay react to things. She cheered Behati on, she sang along to Ed’s performance then shouted KILLED IT as he came offstage, she danced with the models waiting to walk..say what you will about Taylor but girl knows what she gets paid the big bucks for and milks it for all its worth. Plus it was a welcome distraction from the bones clacking down the runway in loose corsets.
-In the first segment one of the models (rookie) is forced to wear puffy 80’s sleeves instead of wings and then decides to do an awkward squat booty pop as her runway pose and it is the most unfortunate scene of the night. Too bad they didn’t show Tay’s face after this.
-If we were playing the drinking game called drink every time an angel blows a kiss I would have been dead from alcohol poisoning within the first 5 minutes.
-Taylor performs Blank Space into a 1989 jewel encrusted mic in a pink silky duster, (we learn what Taylor’s Secret is with that xtra pushup bra) furry stripper heels and is forced to tone down the theatrics of her performance a tad so as not to steal the show from the models…she doesn’t and I respect the hell out of it. What I don’t respect, however, is how she keeps trying to interact with the models by awkwardly one hand grasping each one as they stroll by. There should have been a firm no hand clasping policy, except for her BFF Karlie.
-Ed Sheeran performs the phenomenal song “Thinking Out Loud” and we have a horrible contrast of beautiful song and the UGLIEST outfits of the entire show. I’m guessing the theme for this segment was preschool craft corner because it looked like “pinterest fails” threw up on all the models. Noticeably missing: a pan to Ellie Goulding, front row, while Ed was singing to create some ex-lover drama. Really coulda used that, CBS.
Ed cleaning house with the ladies
-Ariana Grande gets assigned the “Pink” segment for baby gurls who like track pants and fuzzy PJ’s. Suuuper Disney. She performs the grand medley of all her hits that she’s been banging out lately and it gets real distracting because she has two over-eager platinum blonde backup dancers who flanked her sides and were wearing spacesuits. She finishes the medley and bats her eyelashes which just ends up looking like she had shit in her eye. Noticeably missing: the moment when she gets nailed in the face by one of the wings that the internet got a preview of, but no one got to see live.
-Hozier performs “Take Me to Church” for the “fairytale” segment and it is quite comical watching the models struggle to bop to this song and interact with Hozier who looks like the dark creepy guy leering from behind a tree in the woods rather than Prince Charming. Hozier is NOT down with the blowing of kisses from every single model, his eyes are firmly shut.
-And our grand finale: the premiere of “Style” by Miss TSwizzle. Karlie & Tay (rumored girlfriends, confirmed besties) enter together like bad bitches in lace holding hands. Karlie is rocking a cape and all they needed was a doberman to have fully recreated the Blank Space music video. It’s clear that the Taylor gets to wear/perform for the best collections because this one is another banger. There is a flawless surprised face mid-song from our girl and then CBS had the NERVE to cut to someone in the crowd yawning during the performance. OFF WITH HER HEAD. And we end the show drooling over Taylor’s legs and forgetting about all the models. What’s that? There was actually a final walk? Whatever.
-The models rush backstage to de-wing and they show a person working backstage lose their eyesight permanently due to a wing porking their retina. How many people do you think wear eye patches post the annual VS Fashion Show? I’m gonna go with over/under 100. Poor unfortunate souls.
The Fluff Pieces that made me Lawl:
-Adriana Lima & Alessandra Ambrosio, the VS vets who kill it every year have some time to talk to us about how they’re both moms of two kids, both have names that start with A, and both have been beautiful forever. Therefore, since they have so much in common, they were crowned with the honor of wearing the fantasy bras-aka the super expensive diamond covered bras? I think? To be honest, I stopped listening once they flashed pictures of them at the age of 15 looking like goddesses and not geeky, weird teenagers who were too into Fallout Boy. Definitely not bitter though.
-We get a rare glimpse into the preparation of the show on behalf of the models, who treat it like a big slumber party. Just kidding, they take it seriously–maybe a little too seriously. One of the pretty faces (they all blurred) tells us sternly, “Getting the right wink or right kiss is so important. It’s everything.” I can relate, girl. They talked more about how modeling is super hard and they’re nervous and I applaud them for being so brave and honest. It takes a lot of courage to….sorry what were we talking about again? Oh right, getting paid millions to blow kisses in lingerie.
-We meet Russell James, VS photographer of 14 years who tells us it’s hard for him to express how lucky, blessed and fortunate he feels. Since he’s having a difficult time expressing, I’ll take a stab at it for him. He gets up every morning, flies to exotic warm beaches and takes pictures of hot women with big boobs in bikinis and lingerie, so like, #blessed. Did I capture it? Also props to Kendall Jenner for weaseling her way into a sneaky appearance in this segment, because the world can’t live without a Kardashian appearance/reference.
-Karlie Kloss, resident ride or die bitch to Taylor Swift gets to show us how she’s also a classy ballerina on the side and this little snoozer of a peek into Karlie’s life explains EXACTLY why those two are as tight as they are, baking cookies and going to barre classes on the weekend.
And this ends our yearly look into the fabulous lives of a Victoria’s Secret Angel. I hope I covered it all–we laughed, we cried, we blew a thousand kisses. Until next year!
Performances before they’re inevitably pulled from Youtube:
The Salty Ju 