Television

Life Lessons from Dr. Mindy Lahiri

The Mindy Project got “cancelled.” I put this in quotes because I’m still holding out hope that it will make a comeback elsewhere but in the wake of the news, I decided to throw together a collection of Mindy’s most relatable teaching moments and the things that we can all learn from leading a life full of bearclaws and Beyonce worship.

1. Don’t hide your fears. This was the most reasonable way I’ve ever seen someone react to a bug. I know firsthand because today on my patio a bee came near me and I screeched at an ear piercing decibel and almost ran through my screen door. Moral of the story, don’t ever repress your fears just because you’re in the presence of a hot guy.

2. Sometimes kids need to be told when they’re being dumb. Realistically this happens a lot…children aren’t the smartest. Big ups for Mindy trying to comfort this little whiner though because I would’ve probably told her to zip it. This was actually a preview into Mindy as a mom and let me be the first to say she will be a great one…fingers crossed we get to see it.

3. It’s important to know your limits. Listen, the fit lifestyle isn’t for everyone and Mindy knew she wasn’t winning Most Likely to Instagram #Fitspiration and #WorkoutWednesday and that’s much more important than actually being healthy. This would have been an ideal response to give to my doctor when she suggested I start walking to the train farther from my apt since I haven’t exercised in six months. C’mon, doc.

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4. Work it. If it’s one thing Mindy isn’t lacking, it’s confidence and even when you haven’t showered and you’re wearing bulky layers topped off with a pair of sneakers called Fat Steps, you can still own it and compare yourself to Keira Knightley. Plus she knows it can be intimidating to have the brains and the booty. Same, girl…same.

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5. A conversation doesn’t count unless there’s a pop culture reference in it. Mindy may have a doc smart brain, but don’t even think about questioning her knowledge of the Kardashians. It’s important to be the one person in your workplace who brings everyone’s coolness factor up a notch or 100 and Mindy does that with her constant TV and pop music references. Plus what’s cooler than a Lil Wayne costume? Nothing.

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6. Know how to dress for every occasion. Whether it’s your first time attending mass in a Catholic church or gym chic, every girl should have a go-to outfit for each environment. If we’re being honest I would prefer to sit behind Mindy in her derby hat at church because then I could read a book without anyone seeing. It’s a win-win really, Mindy is always looking out for others with her fashion savvy.

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7. Food is not for nourishment, it’s for enjoyment. What makes life worth living? Having a belly full of candy like a piñata. Probably 90% of the show is Mindy stuffing her yapper full of steaks, pastries and washing it down with sour straws and it makes me feel a WHOLE lot better for bringing in a jar of salsa and a full bag of chips to work on a regular basis for a post-lunch snackin.

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8. Set goals for yourself. If you want to be successful in life you need to have something to work for. Career goals are fine, but the real stuff is setting the bar for getting your own fan club, duhs.

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9. Wine so hard. Sometimes you just gotta let loose and hit the sauce, just make sure that the sauce is wine and it’s sipped in moderation from your bra. (Side note: my birthday’s approaching and the wine bra would be a phenomenal gift.)

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10. It’s ok to not have your shit together all the time. For the times when you maybe let the wine flow a little too freely from your 36B and turn into a slob kebab, it’s all going to be just fine. Mindy has had her fair share of suuuuper embarrassing moments and she’s come out on top still, so there’s obviously hope for all of us hot messes who spend their Friday nights watching a Youtube video of a baby that’s afraid of it’s own fart.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/4/15

1. Taylor Swift begins the 1989 tour in Tokyo with 55,000 people and it’s outrageously over the top. Girl’s got a moving stage, thousands of outfit changes, literal flying paper planes and synchronized the stadium via wristbands that light up to the beat of her music. Did we expect anything less? No. Was I still in awe? Yes. I guess this is why tickets were half a month’s rent. Thanks for making me feel like a poor person, Taylor. Keep traveling the world and performing sick beats in your purple shiny ice dancer fit and flare though. Respect.

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No but actually I’ve included a collection of her outfits below because I’ve never seen a better collection of crop tops/bodysuits in my whole life. White crop with knee high boots coming in hot at number 1. (Also Tay really knows her audience in the first pic…)

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2. The Mindy Project got the ax from Fox. Sad news but I feel like there’s hope in it being revived online or a cable network…or at least this is what I’m telling myself to stay calm. If I don’t have more Morgan Tookers in my life hanging with baby animals like a weirdo I might lose it.

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3. Honest Trailer released a Fifty Shades edition this week. It had the word butthole in it, more than once. I think you know how this made the list. If laughing out loud every time I hear the word buhhole is childish then call me Peter Pan because I don’t ever wanna grow up.

4. The Royal Baby was born BUT did you hear Becks is tearin it up on Insta? Charlotte, Shmarlotte…David Beckham got an instagram on his 40th (forty.holy shit.) birthday and clearly he knows what insta’s all about because he immediately posted a selfie from bed. Yum. Since then he’s been crushing it so you should obviously follow him if you want to drool over his hot bod and hot fam. Here’s a sampling to tide you over.

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I feel a very lucky man #DB40

A post shared by David Beckham (@davidbeckham) on

5. Stephen Merchant makes me conflicted between laughing or covering my eyes. Obviously creator of Lip Sync Battle is going balls to the wall (I guess literally) so please enjoy his recreation of Xtina and cringe. Also might I add that Talk Dirty NEVER gets old?

Have a weird weekend, playas.

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Television

The Mindy Project: A Farewell to Peter Prentice

Welp, it happened. Last week’s The Mindy Project bid farewell to Peter Prentice and my favorite BRO-B-GYN is gone forever. Since I know Mindy fans are already missing his absence–mostly his on point abbrevs:

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His ability to turn using a g-string as a tissue into a sentimental moment:

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And his knack for making a disgusting sexual innuendo in reference to a tub birth:

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I’ve pulled together my favorite Peter moments from the show, so crack open a Natty Ice to enjoy the evolution of Fratty Peter.

“Bro Club for Dudes” (2.6)

This is one of our first episodes with Peter as a main character and it starts off with an epic nerf-war, where he takes Mindy as a hostage. It’s a great pre-Mindy&Peter BFFs moment because Peter is literally a child. What starts out as a friendly game of Nerf turns into a real crisis that Peter takes FAR too seriously.

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“You’ve Got Sext” (2.8)

Mindy leaves her phone at work and Cliff sends her a flirty text. Obviously Peter and Morgan then take it upon themselves to sext as Mindy and then do everything they can to keep Cliff from finding out it was them, including throwing a party at Mindy’s apt. without her there. This is when we first learn that Peter is a ride or die for Mindy and also really into winky face emojis.

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 Best Quote: “You know that happened to me for real? Green Key Weekend, Junior year, I aspirated on my own vomit. Chris Farley appeared to me and said “It’s not your time yet.”

“Wedding Crushers” (2.10)

Mindy gets invited to Josh’s wedding and can’t snag a date so she settles for Peter and little does she know he’s Mr. Wedding. Peter looks like a smokeshow in this episode in a tailored suit. He crushes the dance floor and everything goes swell until he’s caught porking the recovering sex addict bride. His excuse was that she threw herself at him and he couldn’t say no, cause it’s her day. Have you seen those fly moves though? Everything is forgiven.

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Best Quote: “I can’t spend another Saturday night stalking ex-girlfriends on the internet hoping to find a breast feeding pic. I need to meet someone.”

“French Me, You Idiot” (2.15)

Peter and Brendan DesLaurier go to the Ballet academy to compete for new patients and end up having to sit through a full performance. Peter admits the one thing he can’t stay awake for is ballet and ruins everything when he has a meltdown because the lead dancer takes 45 minutes to get to her love onstage. Pete echoes the world’s sentiments when it comes to ballet and I’ve never been more proud.

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“Indian BBW” (2.16)

Pervy Peter comes through in the clutch when he stumbles upon Mindy in a porno during his normal daily browsing. He’s never met a real pornstar up close and personal and is geeking out over being in the presence of Mindy and Tom. He recovers and takes her to Sploderzz to get the video taken down and ends up bro-ing out with the owners who are of course, Dartmouth alums (Fellow D-Bags.) Even though Mindy’s porn wasn’t his favorite because the lighting was bad and there was a female director, he succeeds in getting Sploderzz to pull it off the website. He also finds out about the Mindy/Danny saga and convinces Danny that it’s BECAUSE Mindy really cares about him that she won’t dress up in a girl scout uniform and bang him on camera. Bonus points for Peter doing a Big Bang Theory Sheldon impression in attempts to cheer Mindy up.

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Best Quote: “I’ve done way worse things to the practice. Last week I called in a bomb threat cause I was too hungover to come in.”

“Be Cool” (2.17)

Although most of us remember this episode as the heartbreaking and abrupt conclusion to Danny and Mindy Part 1, the airplane kiss, it should never be overlooked that Peter came to the rescue for Mindy at the party in attempts to keep Danny and Mindy together. What other guy friend would let you feed him bad grapes and tell you to sit on his lap (only to break the chair) just to make someone jealous at a party? Plus any time Peter tells Mindy to be sexy and she completely turns him off is pure entertainment (see: Think Like a Peter).

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Best Quote: “If I saw my girlfriend go into a bathroom with Andy Cohen I would freak out. We gotta slut you up a bit.”

 

“Girl Crush” (2.18)

The men of the Schulman & Associates try to do some free advertising and get a better name for themselves so they get a mobile bus and go to the poorer sections of NYC to give free breast examinations. Peter+Spanish+Boob-Touching on a Bus=Gold.

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“Think Like A Peter” (2.19)

Mindy decides she needs to act like Peter for a night and have a one-night stand. He takes her out on the town and is her wingman and it’s everything I could’ve hoped and dreamed for. Mostly because he’s so ruthless in pounding the ladies that he dresses the part of a navy officer because Fleet Week.

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Click for Clip

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Best Quote: “You need to start being selfish. Have you learned nothing from Wolf of Wall Street?”

“I Slipped” (3.4)

Danny tries to sneak on through Mindy’s back door one night without even ringing the doorbell first. Mindy panics and goes to resident sex freak Peter for advice. Peter breaks it down for her with the best analogy ever (see clip below) and forces her to attend sex school with a skeleton, which I think was educational for all.

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Best Quote: “I almost broke up with the girl of my dreams because my waterbed made her seasick.”

“The Devil Wears Lands’ End” (3.5)

FRAT PETER IS BACK. It’s the annual Dartmouth Beer Pong tournament and his bro Pube dropped out last minute so Peter must turn Jeremy into a believable frat bro to compete with him, against Shonda Rhimes. Did I say this was going to be an evolution of Peter? Well guess what it’s not. Because Frat Peter will always have a nice warm place in my heart. Yeah, yeah, I know that he eventually cleans his life up, moves into a nice apt gets a dog named Nicole and some curtains to hide his daily “relaxation”, but Frat Peter’s legacy will live on forever because he kicked Shonda Rhimes’ ass at Beer Pong.

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Goodbye you beer-loving manchild. May Texas treat you well and may I advise you not to try out your British accent there.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

1. Okay so obviously JT and Jimmy Fallon read The Salty Ju because after hearing my cries of a reunion they did a skit together on Tuesday’s Tonight Show. Although it may not have been the full show that I was pleading for, it was just enough of a taste of their terrific bromance, duet and general stupidity to tide me over until JT can make a full appearance. (I’m assuming they filmed this in between JT attending Tay’s 25th and tearing down Brooklyn with Jay-Z)

2. Several sketchy sources have confirmed that Jeets bought a house in Skaneateles. So I’m here to report that Derek Jeter is moving to Skaneateles. Did I read this article and deduct my own story from it? Absolutely. But every one knows that his house in Skan-town will be SOOOO much better than St. Jetersberg. I mean naturally right after I move out of the ‘Nang, the holy specimen that is Jeter moves on in. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS? Don’t answer that.

(Special thank you to my sister who sent me a text at 6:48AM this morning with this insider info)

Full Article

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3. Nick Jonas was dallying around NYC the other day and decided to go into FAO Schwarz (suicide mission at Christmas time…not sure what compelled him to do this) but the result of his visit was an impromptu performance of Jealous on the big piano. Yes please.

4. Ashlee Simpson is officially pregs with her second child. After going through her bad boy phase with Pete Wentz and having her first baby Bronx (why..) several years ago…Ashlee faded into oblivion and was just married to Evan Ross aka son of Diana Ross. This is obviously not news–this is just an excuse for me to post clips from her reality show circa ten years ago when her and Ryan Cabrera were the “it” couple and she was constantly wah-wahing about how Jess gets all the attention. Your weekend laughs are provided by a melodramatic Ash pre-dying her hair goth black to stand out and be edgy.

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5. People has their first ever People Magazine Awards last night and provided us with some great fashion moments as well as this worthy nugget from Chris Messina and Mindy Kaling winning best onscreen couple in The Mindy Project. They are the dream couple.

Also Jennifer Lopez made me eat my words from the last awards show that I critiqued her outfit at. SHE IS LITERALLY 45 and she looks like THIS.

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More Best Dressed:

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Outfits That Sucked:

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