Movies

MTV Movie Awards Recap

“Don’t worry about your speeches going too long because MTV is the only network that refuses to play music.”-Amy Schumer

Yeah I still watch both the MTV Movie Awards and the VMA’s every year. You wanna mock me for that? Fine. But I’ll have you know that last year this happened:

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and I saw it go down live. So joke’s on you, really. This year I can’t say that anything that salacious occurred, but that’s why I’m here. To tell you the highlights of a show that’s target audience is pre-teens so that you can never bring it up in front of your co-workers today.

Highs:

-Amy Schumer as host. Amy is known for being gross, which is obviously why I like her. She didn’t really get to shine that much on this show but her opening montage of intruding all the big movie scenes from this year plus her monologue kicked off the show and there was an especially disgusting sketch about girls going to the movies alone to DJ (this is a metaphor for something inapprops.) Props to her for keeping her crass humor alive throughout the show.

-While introducing Magic Mike XXL cast, Amy talked about solving the California drought then said, “These four presenters are doing their part by making it rain in my spanx.” A+

– JLo calls out the Magic Mike boys for a dance number and Channing shakes that AZZZZ.

-Miles Teller presents the Trailblazer award to Shailene Woodley and doesn’t even read a speech, just genuinely talks about how phenomenal she is as a person and it’s real adorbsies. Interestingly, not once is her breakout role in the critically acclaimed Secret Life of the American Teenager on ABC Family mentioned. SHE SHOULD HAVE WON ALL THE AWARDS FOR HER ROLE AS AMY JERGENS, the fifteen year old who didn’t even know she had sex and then 9 months later had a son who miraculously never learned to talk over the course of like 6 seasons. Jus sayin.

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-Pitch Perfect 90’s Hip Hop Riff-Off exclusive clip. Is it May yet? (Could’ve easily done without Rebel strutting out in a bedazzled bra, leather pants and angel wings…but let it slide because that’s just Fat Patricia. Bonus points for calling her lady curtains a “girl power” and not a kitty—see below)

-Kevin Hart the butt of all short people jokes brings his kids up to accept the Comedic Genius award and says that everything he does is for them and it’s supes cutes and then him and his son do a Parent Trap style handshake that MTV deems unimportant and moves the camera off of.

Lows:

-Vin Diesel presenting an award and then serenading the crowd awkwardly? Was this for Paul Walker? I was perplexed because he said the name Pablo. Someone pls clarify for me.

-Apparently Fall Out Boy lives on in present day and not just in my 8th Grade Angst mix because they performed with a rapper that I still never caught the name of and it doesn’t matter anyway because the whole time he was rapping Pete Wentz was lurking next to him trying to steal the spotlight. Punk meets Rap. Kewl, MTV. Update: the rapper’s name is Fetty Wap. What planet am I on?

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-Zac Efron and Dave Franco accepted best Duo in character from Neighbors and literally just quoted their own movie and reenacted scenes. There wasn’t enough abs and these two proved they could never be part of an improv club like Michael Scott.

-Reese Witherspoon and Sofia Vergara do a bit about how they make out sometimes and hey you two, the men of America don’t need played out girl on girl cliches to have wet dreams about Sofia Vergara.

-Shailene and Ansel win for best kiss and Ansel isn’t even there. Hey guys act like you’ve heard of MTV before…the fans only vote for the two that they want to see mack it up onstage. What a buzzzkillllll. Even worse, Shailene says, “If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to kiss your brother, it’s kinda great.” To erase this memory I give you the best MTV Movie Best Kiss acceptance of ALL TIME:

-An entire performance called Drop That Kitty with far too many cat references to vaginas. The uncomfortable police were called several times to shield my eyes and my ears from this.

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-John Green accepts the award for The Fault in Our Stars, admits he had nothing to do with the making of the movie, loses his chill for several minutes and tugs at his hair a lot then doesn’t let the actual director or producers of the film speak and also forgets to thank them. Solid effort.

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Full List of Winners:

Female Performance- Shailene Woodley, The Fault in Our Stars

Scared as Shit Performance-Jennifer Lopez

Trailblazer Award- Shailene Woodley

Comedic Performance- Channing Tatum

Generation Award- Robert Downey Jr.

Best Duo- Dave Franco & Zac Efron

Best Kiss- Shailene Woodley & Ansel Elgort

Male Performance- Bradley Cooper

Comedic Genius- Kevin Hart

Movie of the Year- The Fault in Our Stars

This tweet sums up the night perfectly:

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JUice

Weekly JUice

1. The Bieber Roast was surprisingly entertaining. Look, we all hate Justin Bieber and know that this was an aggress PR move so that he can try to salvage his career after being a real d-bag for 3 years now. I went into the roast expecting it to be Biebz being obnoxious and a bunch of comedians who were paid to be there and didn’t want to be. It turned out to be pretty good, mostly because the comedians/mish mash of characters that showed up didn’t even spend that much time roasting Bieber and giving him the attention he so clearly needs, they roasted each other waaayyyy better. Overall winners are definitely Natasha Leggero who crushed it and Hanibal Burress–this is also obviously biased because they’re the two that very clearly showed they hated Bieber. I always respect the hell out of comedians who are told they have to say something nice at the end of their roast and literally struggle to fake it. I’m pretty sure Natasha just told Biebs that things will probably get better. Hannibal said Biebs seemed like a sharp business man. If you didn’t catch it Monday night, I recommend it for some laughs, I also recommend that you skip the last 10 minutes when Bieber takes the time to thank God and beg for forgiveness. Yuck. Get outta here. Bonus Points: Shaq literally picking Kevin Hart up and spanking him like a small child. Easily the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen and yet the internet couldn’t make it into a gif. Pretty selfish.

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2. Week three of Zayn spitting in the face of 1D fans. His new solo song was released and now the heat IS ON.

C’mon Zayn, cut it out. For Harry. (PS the song sucks.)

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3. Hova banded all of the billionaire musicians together to create Tidal, a music listening service where rich singers get more money for you to listen to their music. This week they made a big deal on social media, changing their avatars to a blue square and talking about equality for all artists and then they held a huge press conference with all of the superstars to say, please start emptying your pockets for our music, commoners. No disrespect (cause Illuminati) but there is NO way I would start paying a monthly fee to listen to music. I think paying over $100 for a concert ticket in the nose bleeds is criminal enough as it is. But what do I know, I’m obviously not the genius who put a helmet on, added plates for mouse ears and started cashing in on beatz.

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4. LUDA is back in my life. He’s doing press for Furious 7 and his new album LUDAversal and damnit I missed him. Remember the disgusting song Fantasy that was about lickin? I do, because Cin and I just jammed to it road trip style with rapper hands. Good news is that he did an acoustic version with the Roots this week. BACK SEAT, WINDOWS UP.

5. Paul Walker’s brother, Cody looks like this.

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Have a good Easter weekend thinking of those baby blues.

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