JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/28/2020

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1. This Blows.

I hate kicking off the JUice with sad, sad news but this was unfortunately for sure the biggest piece of celebrity news this week. My first instinct was to think, it sucks that she’s been tweeting and posting from the hospital so everyone knows she’s there and having complications and if it’s a bad outcome she’ll feel obligated to share it since she’s been open about the whole process. And I thought that must really blow to feel like you have to share some of the most horrific and personal moments of your life to complete strangers. And then terrible humans starting attacking her for this post. And lots of moms who have gone through the same thing started to speak out about how everyone’s grieving process is different in these circumstances and this is a part of Chrissy and John’s. I didn’t feel like anything about this post was self-serving or attention grabbing, just simply sharing a tragic experience that they’re going through. I’ve rolled my eyes at Chrissy’s cool girl I think I’m funnier than I am schtick on Twitter a fair amount but if you’re criticizing her for this post then you’re a garbage human and that seems pretty obvious.

2. Dax Relapsed.

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I gotta be honest this broke last Friday and I was IMMEDIATELY mad that it wasn’t included in the JUice because I knew about it before people.com did. Why did I know first? Oh, because I’m a diehard Arm Cherry and Dax revealed this story on a special podcast episode that dropped Friday that I listened to immediately and got the full scoop directly from his mouth. Does it make me a bad person that I find out a celebrity with 16 years of sobriety has relapsed and my first thought is DAMNIT THIS MISSED THE CUT FOR THE JUICE TODAY, HOW WILL EVERYONE KNOW I HEARD IT FIRST?! Yes obviously it does. You know how I just called some of you garbage humans above in reference to Chrissy? Yeh, I know. What goes around comes around. Anyway, Dax has had a podcast called Armchair Expert for a few years now and I’ve listened to it since the beginning. My favorite episodes are when he has his celeb besties on and they just goob around and shoot the shit but I’ve also learned stuff about celebs I never knew because he tends to go real deep with his guests, which I can appreciate because I’m SUCH an intellectual, ya know? But not THAT much of one because I immediately delete any episode he has with an actual expert or anytime a celebrity wants to talk politics and not give gossip. Regardless, Dax is constantly very honest and vulnerable on his podcast, sharing stories and tidbits about his own life and struggles with addiction and I imagine many of his listeners felt a sense of pride for him turning his life around and being sober for the past 16 years. Unfortunately he’s relapsed but what I found especially cool about him being completely open about it was that I got a complete picture of what he was feeling and what he was going through and how his years of sobriety actually helped him to cut the shit and reach out for help before it spiraled into something worse. And instead of covering it up publicly like he easily could’ve done, he owned it and basically gave every detail about what happened. As the nosiest person on this earth, I was very into this format. All celebrities should have their own podcasts and own their stories. That’s just my two cents. Anyway, the quick summary is that Dax is a real wild guy and likes to ride motorcycles and dirt bikes and ATVs and all that jazz and has had many injuries over the years. He’s been a little dicey with painkillers in the past, taking more than he needed to when he was prescribed but was always able to control it for the most part and stop taking them when he started to feel better. Recently he had some injuries and his pain medication turned into a more slippery slope until he was medicating throughout the day for no reason and buying them on his own. He still hasn’t done any other drugs or had any alcohol in the past 16 years, but he did celebrate his 16 year sober anniversary high without anyone around him knowing. So it’s a kind of win-lose sitch. In one sense he’s technically still sober from the things that he was truly addicted to (coke & booze) and yet in the other sense, he was hiding the fact that he was on drugs at his AA meetings. Either way, he’s sober now and it will be interesting to hear how honest he is with his recovery moving forward. If you want a taste of the pod, feel free to check out the episode where he shares his story below. Might I also recommend some of my other favorite episodes were Jason Bateman (1 & 2), Oliver & Kate Hudson, & Will Arnett.

3. Birthday Suit.

I mean…HOT DAMN. Love this for her. Mostly because I feel like people very openly make fun of Gwyneth for her bullshit Goop website and her vagina-scented candles and gurl don’t give a fuuuuuuuuuuh. She’s like hey happy birthday to me and my smooooooth naked bod from all the organic, natural, made from tea leaves body butter (purchase on Goop for $95 a jar)! Even better, her teenage daughter commented “MOM” and then “You are killing it tho.” You KNOW Apple was behind that camera telling her mom to pop that flamingo leg to flex those thighs. Not a chance on this earth that Gwyneth’s husband took this photo. Everyone knows that men are trash at taking photos and this perfectly posed nude in the woods shoot just SCREAMS female-directed. Suck in! Tousle your hair! Let me put a woodsy filter on it! Bottom line, Gwyn is 48 and foooooiiiiiine.

4. Borat is Back.

Borat seemed like a one and done gem. I don’t know how many times a guy with a fake kind of Russian accent pretending he’s from a country in Asia can really take the US by storm. The whole point of the first movie was that no one understood that this was an actor playing a character and yet fell for his bit and therefore ended up looking real dumb. I can’t imagine a world where this is all organic again. Borat came out in 2006. I remember screaming YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS in a shiiiiiiitttty Eastern European accent down the hallway in high school. It’s done. It was great for uncomfy situations and quoteable moments and then much like every other pop culture moment in history, everyone got over it and moved on with their lives. For him to tie this into corona virus and this year’s election? No thanks. We’ve got enough of that content on a daily basis. We don’t need anymore. But don’t just blindly follow my opinions, feel free to watch it for yourself and decide if this idea is washed or not…you’ll be in good company as Kimmy K has deemed this a MUST WATCH so you know it’s gonna be a CAN’T MISS (Insert the deepest of eye rolls on this planet here.)

5. Autumn Leaves Falling Like Pieces into Place.

This is for all my Swifties and virtually no one else will give a shit. Tay’s greatest song ever made is most obviously All Too Well, it’s also Fall which is the season that was created from this song. So it seems about right that the subject of All Too Well gave it a nod this week. Jake Gyllenhaal tends to shy away from the public eye and never really confirmed that All Too Well is about him even though we ALL know TOO WELL that it is. This week he goes to make an innocent post about a charity that’s near and dear to his heart and uses a throwback photo of him with glasses and Swifties LOOOOOOOOOST their shit. 100% of the comments on this photo are the lyric “you used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed” or some other variation of the song. My personal favorite is Rachel Zegler (apparently a bud of his) commenting “I’ll be honest mate you set yourself up for this one.” I mean OBVIOUSLY. Is this the stupidest news I’ve ever reported? Probably not. But it made me giggle that a Hollywood actor can get dragged on Instagram just for posting a childhood photo because Taylor Swift now owns his childhood via song. Also, gives me a great excuse to repost the greatest song of all time and also plug my Breakup Boohoos Playlist that was 100% created because of this song.

BONUS: Demi Bounces Back.

That straight famewhore Max who managed to make their breakup all about him and draw even more attention to himself saying he found out through the press and then posting several desperate and weird Insta stories about how much he worships “Demetria” and how she’s the greatest person alive and everyone should listen to her music and why doesn’t she have a Grammy yet. UGH. SHUT UP MAX. Demi didn’t say anything about his fake ass, instead she handled the breakup with class and dropped this new song. GET IT GURL. YOU’RE BETTER OFF! PROUD OF U.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/25/16

1. This meaty eye candy knocked up his wife again.

It’s no surprise that John bulked up for a movie role and then gave Emily one seductive side glance and suddenly she was pregnant. Three cheers for this hawt couple and their second model baby. May your conception story be passed on for generations to come. If you want to get your wife preggers, don’t skip arm day at the gym.

2. Remember Zayn? He’s great at tongueing Gigi Hadid.

After a lot of twitter sass and one leaked song a while back, Zayn has finally shown the world what he left 1D for. So that he can play tonsil hockey with one of the hottest models in the world. Hey, I don’t hate the hustle here. What I do hate is this music video. It’s trippy and weird and I could’ve gone without seeing a flower blossom out of a woman’s lady bits. I see what Zayn is trying to do here with this smooth Usher-esque bedroom eyes jam and it’s alright, but what steals the shine is obviously my girl Gigi. She is flawless in this video, even when she’s crying blood. (seriously, thanks for the nightmares Zayn.)

3. This song still bangs.

Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell (one of my fave Hollywood couples) took some time off from doing Samsung commercials to cut together this Toto music video from their vacation like 4 years ago. What it brought to light is that this song is still a banger. Don’t sleep on Toto, guys. In addition, we learned that even on safari, where there is probably limited access to makeup and hair products, Kristen still looks like a dime piece and I’m real jelly.

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4. Two Holy Men Meet.

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The pope had the distinct honor of meeting all that is holy Leonardo Dicaprio this week. They shared some picture books, a laugh, and Leo spoke Italian at the Vatican and every woman in the world needed to change her undies. The pope bid him farewell with “Go forth my son, to love and serve the Lord, and win an Oscar finally.” (Probably.)

 

5. 1D Baby Debut!

Meet my little lad, Freddie 👶

A photo posted by Louis Tomlinson (@louist91) on

As reported on last week’s JUice, Louis has a son and only a week later he already made the little nugget insta-famous. AND HE HAS A NORMAL NAME! What a treat. Freddie Tomlinson snuggles right up to his dad’s tats and apparently no recognition is given to the baby mama who pushed that human through her vag.

BONUS: Rihanna and Drake collab it out again.

Spend the weekend deciding if this song is the most annoying thing on this earth or musical genius worthy of a Tidal-only release. I’m leaning toward annoying, but that’s just me.

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Pop Culture

Ten Best Celebrity Couples

Since Valentine’s Day was Saturday, I thought it would be an appropriate time to list all of the celebrity couples that I would’ve liked to be a third wheel with for the holiday of Looooove. Here’s the ten best celeb couples (in no particular order) who are going to make it the long haul…according to me. (If you’re reading this months or weeks from now and any or all of these couples have broken up please do not blame me. I’m still reeling from the dissolution of Nick and Jessica. It’ll be too much to handle if I’m also a curse.)

John Krasinski & Emily Blunt.

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I have a REAL difficult time separating John Krasinski from Jim Halpert and I think many Office fans can agree, which basically means that John must be the most romantic and adorable husband alive. The best part is that Emily Blunt is a sassy Brit instead of a meek little deer in the headlights like Pam was, so this relationship is EVEN better. They prank Jimmy Kimmel together every year, they crushed the ALS ice bucket challenge and they never take Hollywood too seriously.

Years Together: 7 (Married in 2010)

Beyonce & Jay-Z.

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There cannot be a top celeb couples list without the Queen & King themselves. They’re outrageously rich and spend like 90% of their time just F-ing around on yachts with baby royalty Blue Ivy. I respect the hell out of their lavish lifestyles because they deliver some sick beats, and most recently the coolest married couple concert ever. Only Bey & Jay can get away with recording a song about the two of them banging constantly and make the term “Surfbordt” popular. Also no one should ever be caught saying bad things about these two, because Illuminati.

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Years Together: 11 (Married in 2008)

Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner.

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Ben and Jen are easily the most normal Hollywood couple ever. They’re more likely to be seen taking their kids to school or going to a soccer game in sneakers and jeans than doing stupid frivolous celeb things. They’re not all in yo face when they’re at awards shows together and Jen even let it slide when Ben won a bunch of awards for Argo and said that their marriage was work cause he got nervsies. Cool, calm and all about the fam.

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Years Together: 11 (Married in 2005)

Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds.

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Have you seen these two? I have unrealistic high hopes that their baby will be the most beautiful baby on this earth, should they ever show her or reveal her name. Also I have a bigger crush on Blake than I do on Ryan, judge me, I dare you. Although it certainly helps Ryan’s charisma that he recently called Blake a human Denny’s because she’s breakfast lunch and dinner for their daughter. He’s quick to add that she’s the most beautiful Denny’s you’ve ever seen. Swooooon.

Years Together: 4 (Married in 2012)

Eric Decker & Jessie James Decker.

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I first learned about these two when they got a reality TV show on E! and I loved them immediately but was also SUUUPER nervsies that they would catch the reality show curse of Newlyweds. They’ve got a little bit of the Nick & Jessica dynamic because Jessie’s the goofy crazy one and Eric calms her down and puts up with her antics, but I’m pleased to report that their marriage is still intact and they recently had the most adorbs baby ever. I don’t even like babies and I’m obsessed with this one so that’s saying a lot. Please feel free to drool over their family photos like I do on a regular basis.

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Years Together: 4 (Married in 2013)

Emma Stone & Andrew Garfield.

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These two crazy kids have a nice way of staying mostly private but still letting everyone know that they’re in love and are fun and stuff. Emma made an appearance when Andrew hosted SNL and they did a goofy kissing skit together. They’re known for photobombing and using their paparazzi shots to promote good causes. Also this just gives me an excuse to post Emma Stone’s lip sync battle on Fallon, which was epic. When Fallon had Andrew on after that he pointed out that they should’ve never given Emma a mic because she got real serious with it, real quick. The couple that lip syncs at home together, stays together.

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Years Together: 4

Chrissy Teigen & John Legend.

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I’m starting to see a trend here with the outspoken crazy girl and the other half that calms her down and I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. Anyway Chrissy is a supermodel who also has a pottymouth, isn’t afraid to look like an idiot and creates twitter wars with her haters. John is a classy 9-time Grammy-winning singer/songwriter piano playing extraordinaire. They met on the set of one of his music videos. They found love in a hopeless place. Just kitten, but seriously all you need to do is watch the music video for “All of Me” and your heart will be all kinds of melting. Chrissy also pretty frequently screenshots her texts with John where she basically just trolls him, which is always good for a laugh. Bonus Points: When she had an ugly crying face after seeing John perform at the Globes she handled it real well. By making fun of herself.

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Years Together: 8 (Married in 2013)

David & Victoria Beckham.

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Ah, British royalty. Becks was the sex-tastic futbol player, Victoria was Posh Spice. It was the 90’s and everything was magical. Becks fell in love with Posh’s ability to never look like she’s having an ounce of fun and the rest is history. They invaded America finally and we all haven’t been the same since. They also created a crop of future models with their four kids that have been high fashion since they were in diapers. Harper’s toddler top knot at fashion week for all the awards.

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Years Together: 18 (Married in 1999)

Channing Tatum & Jenna Dewan-Tatum.

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They met on the set of Step Up, arguably one of the best dance movies of all time and couldn’t deny the chemistry of their dirty dancing. They got married and Channing rewarded every woman in America with Magic Mike and his “Pony” striptease. And Jenna was like yeah bitches, that’s my husband and he used to be a stripper. Then they had a kid and Jenna supported Channing putting on the lbs and coined it “fappy” (Fat+Happy) Channing. Just recently they were snapped having a dance-off after the Golden Globes proving to be the best thing to come out of Step Up, and yes that was a direct dig to Step up 2-100.

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Years Together: 10 (Married in 2009)

Kristen Bell & Dax Shepard. 

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Kristen and Dax are goobers.They’ve been doing a series of ads for Samsung for about a year now and call me a sucker but how they are in these commercials is exactly how I assume they interact at home. I eat that shit right up. They’ve always been all about sharing funny stories and being open about their relationship on talk shows and a few years ago Dax surprised Kristen with a sloth on her 31st birthday and she was so happy that she hysterically cried about it. Always the good husband, Dax filmed it all for our viewing pleasure. (See clip below) Plus after second baby Delta was born, Dax described Kristen’s C Section in the most romantic of ways, “After seeing this autopsy, I would rather see a school bus drive out of her vagina.” So he’s almost as much of a wordsmith as Ryan Reynolds comparing Blake’s breast-feeding to a diner chain.

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Years Together: 8 (Married in 2013)

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