JUice

Weekly JUice

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Week of 8/31/2020

1. Perfect Baby.

God I’m so sick of talking about babies. But it’s Ed. And he doesn’t even use social media. He’s completely off the grid and popped back on to announce a surprise baby and obviously this is big juicy news regardless of if I’m sick of the Hollywood baby boom or not. Plus he decided to post a photo in color of some very drab looking socks and blanket. Would I have preferred a peep at this baby to see if she inherited his bright orange hair? OBVIOUSLY. But is this better than another black and white hands grasping or baby feet complete lack of creativity? YES TIMES A MILLION. Now onto that name…Lyra Antarctica Seaborn Sheeran. Again, much like Chris Pratt…why are we punishing these children with two last names? WITH A MIDDLE NAME LIKE ANTARCTICA? This is a crime. Lyra means harp which I guess is fitting for a musician. It’s not the worst I’ve ever heard like ANTARCTICA is. Honestly I don’t even know how to spell that. I had to google it to find out what exactly it is so I could properly reference it (I’m growing dumber by the second, deal with it.) It’s a continent, geography lesson for us all, and let me double down that there is no worse way to tell a child where you conceived them than to name them after the place. NO child should be burdened with the thought of their parents having relations on vacation to make them from birth. Uh uh, not cool.

2. Chadwick Boseman.

This news came through Friday night and honestly I didn’t want to kick of this week’s news with a death even though this was huge shocking celebrity news. For the entirety of his career, Chadwick has been battling colon cancer privately. That is NUTS. Think about the toll that cancer takes on someone’s body. Then think about what working on a movie would look like. Add in an action movie. He’s doing all of this strenuous work, getting his body into physical shape, long hours, then he’s going out in public on a press tour for each movie. That’s EXHAUSTING and he was doing it all while secretly dealing with cancer destroying his body. Since I’m uncultured and don’t watch many movies outside of the Netflix rom com bubble, I hadn’t seen any movies that Chadwick was in. So I can’t speak to his acting abilities or say that I’m super familiar with his work. From what I’ve read he was a good guy all around visiting children with terminal cancer to spread positivity and make their day when he was struggling himself. And more recently he posted a picture looking sick and was immediately jumped on in Internet comment-land for having a drug problem because of his appearance. It’s a tragic loss no matter how you look at it and if you’ve figured it out by now, I’m not so eloquent with the words when it comes to serious things. So as always, I’ll defer to the things that I found people sharing about his death that I found really moving and important to share.

3. Adele ya dead?

Ya mon. (This joke will hit with the very specific crowd that loved Cool Runnings as much as I did growing up.) I looked up this picture and 100% expected it to be deleted because obviously it received a lot of backlash. I think I respect Adele even more knowing that she left it up and said F off to the Jamaican haters. First of all, this is the most direct and obvious “I’ve lost probably 100 lbs and my body is in the best shape of it’s life” flex. Girl posted a bikini shot with a side of a casual “missing this event” caption. It’s like when someone posts a bikini shot in February and is like MISS THE SUMMER. THIRST TRAP CITY. Except that Adele’s version of a thirst trap also includes some questionably cultural appropriation hair knots. People were mad online about this Jamaican themed Adele. How dare she be white and dress like this?! And I’m like how dare her stomach be this flat?! Like this comes right back to the fact that she’s probably on a VERY strict diet and I ate a hamburger with an egg and cheese on top of it last night so this level of fit is completely out of reach for me. Anyway, you don’t have a Jamaican headline without Hanx’s son Chet poppin out of nowhere to pipe up. You may not know Chet, as he is only famous for being Tom Hanks’ wayward son, but let me refresh you on some of his work:

As a resident whitey offending the Jamaicans, he has responded…

Listen, at this point I’m thoroughly enjoying this. This is one of the more ridiculous things I’ve blogged and I feel great about it. We needed a break from the babies before I became a full-blown mommy blogger and this is EXACTLY the break we needed. Adele just wanted to show everyone how she’s lost weight virtually everywhere but her knockers and shout out her Jamaican buds in a tasteful fashion forward move and now she’s poked the bear. The bear being Chet the Jamaican clown who I can assure you embarrasses Tom Hanks by his existence. Like think about how wholesome and Dad-like Tom Hanks is. When someone tells an off-color or mildly offensive joke at an awards show, this is his reaction:

hanx

WHAT IS HIS REACTION WHEN HE LISTENS TO HIS SON SPEAK IN A JAMAICAN ACCENT?! Need to know. Until then, FEEL THE RHTHYM, FEEL THE RHYME…

4. Back to Babies.

View this post on Instagram

Me…and my two favorite guys 💙💙

A post shared by Emma Roberts (@emmaroberts) on

Again, you know how I feel about all of the baby news as of late but that’s not going to stop me from reporting it. When a celeb gets knocked up, you’ll hear it from The Salty Ju and that’s for damn tootin. ESPECIALLY when it’s a good ole fashioned oops baby. Last week we talked about Zayn and Gigi’s oopsie, this week it’s Emma Roberts and Garrett Hedlund. These two have been dating for about a year and a half and the People article that I read announcing the pregnancy said a “source said they were keeping it casual and just having fun.” Nothing casual about a baby! Welcome to the real deal, folks! PS, related but not really related…Emma previously made headlines for being in a toxic relashe with Evan Peters and being engaged. Their dirty laundry was getting aired with their several breakups and then Evan Peters went on to date Halsey (perhaps he has a thing for the complicated ladies?) but either way, you can’t believe everything you hear and yet I don’t think it comes out of thin air either. Jus sayin…

5. Channing Does Children’s Books.

We get it, Chan. You can do it all. You’ve got the dancing, acting, sense of humor, buff body and now you’re just an adorable girl dad who wrote a freaking book called Sparkella. Yawn. You’re just the perfect beef sammy catch, dad of the year. I mean seriously is this picture just designed for panting single (or maybe not single but v. sex deprived) moms? “Here’s what I’m thinking guys, I do dress up like I’m a 6 year old girl, but then I also make sure everyone has a clear shot of my ‘ceps and pecs.” SOLD. As someone who has just written a book (like I wrote all of the words on my own and didn’t work with an illustrator to fill pages with pictures) and have seen how it’s virtually impossible to get a book published excuse me if I’m a little bitter that a celebrity got bored and was like Ho-Hum guess I’ll just write a book and then everyone will buy it immediately because I’m hot and famous. As I send a text to my sister asking if she’ll take a topless pic of me to promote my book… Can’t hurt, right?

BONUS: Just doing my civic duty, keeping you up to date on the comings and goings of the rap music video world. And Present Day Justin Bieber playing Past Life Justin Bieber. Self awareness is key in H’wood. Couldn’t tell you who is more annoying in this music video, JB or DJ ANOTHA ONE Khaled. Tough call.

And more importantly, my biggest accomplishment of not only the summer but probably my life…becoming a biker that shouts ON YOUR LEFT to get idiot people out of my way. It was a huge step for me and took about 5 different people sneering at me or telling me I “needed to speak up” when biking out in the wild. So now I scream it at the top of my lungs and scare everyone off of the path. ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE.

@thesaltyju

My full transformation into Lance Armstrong this summer in quarantine. #probiker #bikeseason #onyourleft #beachcruiser #Spooktember

♬ original sound – thesaltyju
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