JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 1/25/16

1. This meaty eye candy knocked up his wife again.

It’s no surprise that John bulked up for a movie role and then gave Emily one seductive side glance and suddenly she was pregnant. Three cheers for this hawt couple and their second model baby. May your conception story be passed on for generations to come. If you want to get your wife preggers, don’t skip arm day at the gym.

2. Remember Zayn? He’s great at tongueing Gigi Hadid.

After a lot of twitter sass and one leaked song a while back, Zayn has finally shown the world what he left 1D for. So that he can play tonsil hockey with one of the hottest models in the world. Hey, I don’t hate the hustle here. What I do hate is this music video. It’s trippy and weird and I could’ve gone without seeing a flower blossom out of a woman’s lady bits. I see what Zayn is trying to do here with this smooth Usher-esque bedroom eyes jam and it’s alright, but what steals the shine is obviously my girl Gigi. She is flawless in this video, even when she’s crying blood. (seriously, thanks for the nightmares Zayn.)

3. This song still bangs.

Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell (one of my fave Hollywood couples) took some time off from doing Samsung commercials to cut together this Toto music video from their vacation like 4 years ago. What it brought to light is that this song is still a banger. Don’t sleep on Toto, guys. In addition, we learned that even on safari, where there is probably limited access to makeup and hair products, Kristen still looks like a dime piece and I’m real jelly.

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4. Two Holy Men Meet.

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The pope had the distinct honor of meeting all that is holy Leonardo Dicaprio this week. They shared some picture books, a laugh, and Leo spoke Italian at the Vatican and every woman in the world needed to change her undies. The pope bid him farewell with “Go forth my son, to love and serve the Lord, and win an Oscar finally.” (Probably.)

 

5. 1D Baby Debut!

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Meet my little lad, Freddie 👶

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As reported on last week’s JUice, Louis has a son and only a week later he already made the little nugget insta-famous. AND HE HAS A NORMAL NAME! What a treat. Freddie Tomlinson snuggles right up to his dad’s tats and apparently no recognition is given to the baby mama who pushed that human through her vag.

BONUS: Rihanna and Drake collab it out again.

Spend the weekend deciding if this song is the most annoying thing on this earth or musical genius worthy of a Tidal-only release. I’m leaning toward annoying, but that’s just me.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of April 6th

1. Tyra Banks/Eve buzzed her head. EVE’S GREAT NO MATTER WHERE SHE GOES, DRESS HER UP FROM HER HEAD TO HER TOES. No seriously the only reason I’m ever reporting anything about Ty-Ty is because it gives me an excuse to shout it out to Eve from critically acclaimed film Lifesize and also post the infamous Tyra meltdown from America’s Next Top Model. Happy Friday folks. It’s the little things that get me through the day. Actually though I think that Tyra Banks is Eve the human Barbie doll and genuinely got this haircut so she could be a business woman because her quote she gave to People about the big snip is that it makes her feel like a “futuristic businesswoman.” Shine bright, shine far. BE A BUSINESSWOMAN WITH A PIXIE.

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The "TyTy Chop" as seen on Eve. (Thx @arry_ka)

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2. Selena will be brought back as a creepy hologram to tour. Call me wacky, but I’m just the type of person that wouldn’t pay money to see a dead person reincarnated as a digital image singing in concert. Seriously though can we cut the shit with the hologram biz and just let the dead R.I.P? Selena’s sis Suzette said “By no means is this something that’s creepy or weird.” Hey Suze, that’s EXACTLY what this is. You’re trying to get singers to collaborate with a dead person for fresh material to get new fans for someone who is no longer living. This is the definition of creepy and weird. More importantly, I really hope the hologram will have an updated style.

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3. Jennie Garth is engaged…not to Dylan. Damn it Kelly, I really thought you and Dylan would be married by now. JK guys, just a little 90210 humor for ya. I think I had too much coffee this morning. Whatever. I took the Jennie Garth/Peter Falcinelli divorce pretty hard, which is probably weird but whatever they seemed like a fab couple. HOWEVER I’m happy to see that she has moved on because she’s still a dime piece so congrats Kelly Taylor.

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4. Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt Go OG. 

MIC DROP. I watched the first episode of this show like I said I would and there was way too much LL Cool J lip licking and not enough John Krasinski–well his wife threw DOWN this week and convinced me even more that they’re one of the coolest couples in Hollwood. They can hang. Even Anne Hathaway tried not to be the most hated and stepped her game up, get it in those leather pants girl. A+ all around.

5. The Longest Ride comes out this weekend and if you’re female you’ll probably like it….because:

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Do the right thing.

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