JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 8/8/16

1. Dance Goals.

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We had to. #stepup10years

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Step Up is a top five dance movie that made us all believe that we will fall in love with a hunky piece of meat who can toss us around on the dance floor because Jenna and Channing got married. Well they’re keeping the dream alive by recreating the OG Step Up move 10 years later. I don’t ever want to imagine a life where these two don’t dance together every night. First with Lip Sync Battle, now with this, I’ll be disappointed if this isn’t a daily ritual.

2. Phelps wins 1 billion gold medals.

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Michael Phelps is like 100 and still blowing everyone out of the water (PUN INTENDED.) He may have become an internet meme for a hot second, but then he was hey Twitter, suck on my 22 Gold medals, BETCH. This is my sports coverage for the week…a picture of Phelps in da zone aka smelling a fart. It’s probably the best you’re gonna get unless you’d like my unfiltered opinions on Ryan “Jeah” Lochte’s hair (it’s dumb) and THE FINAL FIVE (they have eternal wedgies that make me tug at my own underwear as if I too have a leotard stuffed up my buhhole.) And THAT’s my Olympics coverage. GET ON MY LEVEL, BOB COSTA!

3. NSYNC reunites to remind us they’re old AF.

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JC's 40th… And, if you don't know now you know…

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I would give my left nip for a full-on N*SYNC reunion and this is what they think will satisfy us? A picture that Lance probably had to photobomb because he wasn’t asked to be in it, at JC’s 40th birthday party. FORTY. HOLY COW. Be older, JC. You can’t. Seriously if there can be a tour of Ryan Cabrera and O*Town this summer, then N*SYNC can hit the stage again. I don’t care if it’s half-assed, I mean you could literally start a Vegas residency just for “dancing” like Britney does, as long as you deliver the top N*SYNC hits, I’ll be there with bells on. What I realize now that I’ve typed this out is that I’d probably be fine with just like a bar playing N*SYNC’s discography on a Saturday night. But until then, we’ll always have this pic. Stay golden, JT.

4. Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry show us the goods. A week ago Orlando Bloom let it all hang for a casual paddle boarding adventure in Italy. I didn’t do the JUice last week, but if I did, I probably would’ve included the pic, mostly because it took me about 30 seconds to find the uncensored version and text it to everyone I know. Hey how’s it going? Here’s Orlando Bloom’s impressive D and droolworthy body. Obviously there was no reason for him to be ass naked when Katy Perry was fully clothed, other than the fact that he’s attractive and famous and he can. When in Rome (Sardinia) do as the Romans (Sardinians) do and take your dick out for vacation, I guess. ICYMI, here’s the censored version (that shadow though…) Since I don’t condone porning up my website you can turn to twitter for the full monty. Or my cell phone photos…

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Anyway, this week, Katy Perry was like hey I’ve got a set of tits that everyone probably wants to see, and she was probz feeling upstaged by the amount of attention her boyf’s little nudey row was getting, so she decided to spice it up for a pic. By showing her buttcheek. Really, girl? That’s all you got? STEP IT UP.

 5. JRodg pretending to be famous.

Hey guys, now that they can talk about it, JoJo and Jord are going to vomit their love all over social media. This includes the most awkward hover arm picture of Jordan and his “good Nashville buddy” Brett. No seriously, they’re really tight. Also JoJo looks like a smokeshow and I’m obviously bitter about it.

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The Bachelorette- A Waste of Three Hours

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“This is when the fireworks went off in each other’s hearts!”

Disclaimer: I overslept this morning and didn’t proofread this. Have at it.

You know how week after week for this entire season (A.C.—after Chad) I’ve complained about how much boring bullshit they’ve packed in to fill two hours? Well, add another hour and you’ve got the finale. I was stressed before this finale, mostly because I didn’t know when to take my ice cream break to pull me through. (I took it when Robby was on camera, obviously.) But also because I knew from the 4 same clips they kept previewing of JoJo crying that they had NOTHIN to fill that airtime. AND BOY WAS I RIGHT. It’s often the case.

In Phuket, Thailand, JoJo’s family has finally arrived. Also there are still a lot of monkeys. Unrelated, but kind of related.

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One monkey is a Robby and the other is a Jordan, and JoJo tells her family that she loves them both. Just a friendly reminder though, she hasn’t told either of the guys! “GOOD FOR YOU!” JoJo’s mom chirps in approval. You hear that, Ben? You big giant dirt bag I Love You slut! (He will never hear the end of that.)

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Jordan & the Red Hat Society

Jordan’s first up for family times and goes in for a bear hug with everyone, including JoJo’s judgey bros. They don’t immediately push him off, so either tey really like him or they were tipped off that he’s a Rodgers and they’re looking for a guest role in Pitch Perfect 3. Jordan gets everyone silly hats to wear because it’s his family tradition to make fun of each other. Do you think that’s why Aaron doesn’t talk to his fam? Because they forced him to wear a Mrs. Nesbitt hat at the dinner table so they could laugh in his face? It seems like an ironclad theory at this point.

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JoJo’s mom has had enough of giggle time because she drags Jordan aside immediately to find out if he’s a playboy. Soraya (didn’t know that was her name until they finally flashed that lower third) grabs Jordan’s hand and makes him promise not to break his daughter’s heart. He responds, before or after I ink a sportscaster deal with ESPN? Soraya then expresses her concerns that Jordan would make her daughter feel insecure AF because, “Who doesn’t like Jordan?!” Um, I’m just spitballing here but…Aaron? After talking a BIG game about how important it was for him to ask JoJo’s dad’s for her hand, he chokes real hard and skips on outta there blessing-free.

Robby Lays it on Thick

I don’t know if anyone has heard yet, but Robby loves JoJo. Naturally within 30 seconds of meeting her family he has to tell the detailed story of their date in Uruguay and how he just KNEW that he loved her, and how he hasn’t stfu about it since.

In great family advice, JoJo’s brothers remind her that she’s not picking her new years eve date. No seriously, this is basically all they added to this episode. WHERE ARE THE SASSY BROS OF BEN’S SEASON? They’re dead to me, now. JoJo’s mom didn’t even take a SIP of wine from the bottle. Instead she said things like, “Make JoJo the queen of your heart.” Okay, girl. Maybe you did slip some wine in between takes.

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Robby pulls both parents in to ask for the proposal blessing and uses JOELLE so he’s suuuper serious. It’s the cheesiest and most scripted speech ever. It is in between his cliché lines about lifetime love that grows that I truly discover who Robby is. He’s Eddie Haskell from Leave it to Beaver. He flashes those pearly whites and turns it on for the parents, kissing ass and using full names. What a little weiner. Unfortunately JoJo’s dad falls for it and is eager to blow up his daughter’s spot by telling Robby she totally loves him. Then JoJo’s dad boohoos because someone loves his daughter.

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When JoJo asks for her family’s opinions, they can’t suck Eddie, I mean Robby’s D harder. Papa Fletch is all, “Robby’s the kind of guy you want your daughter to end up with,” I’m assuming because he’s gay, and not a threat. Once JoJo learns everyone is Team Robby she’s like WTF you guys were supposed to pick Jordan! It could not have been more of a classic case of asking someone’s opinion and then when they don’t give you the one you want, you cry about it. So that’s what JoJo did. She cried and said she was confused and can’t pick. JoJo’s sister, who is present the entire time, doesn’t breathe a word. Is she being held hostage?

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Beach Day with Robby

Robby uses his last date to strengthen my hate for him. His opening line is, “Today’s my last day before I propose to Jo.” STOP CHANGING HER NAME. PICK ONE NICKNAME AND STICK WITH IT. Meanwhile, the camera man dives directly into JoJo’s nipples as she strips down to her bikini in preparation of using Thailand’s waters as a lubricant. THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW, YOU PERVS. I could’ve done without facebombing into JoJo’s ample cleavage. We get that enough with each rose ceremony sparkly skintight dress, amirite? To prove that Robby’s not just after JoJo for her body—because he thinks boobs are icky—he paints a picture of what their future would look like. It’s mostly right from a sitcom complete with a bundle of kiddies and a burnt meatloaf. Oh, and wine to make them forget that this is their life as a married couple. Sounds riveting. I’m one year younger than JoJo and if a guy I met a week earlier brought up cooking meatloaf and having kids screaming in the background as our future I would drown myself directly in the Andaman Sea. (BOOM. GEOGRAPHY.) I obviously had to google a map for that reference but whatever.

Anyway, two weeks of vacation really flies by when you’re smooching 27 guys and traveling the world. WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?! Since it’s been so long since they first met, Robby and JoJo reminisce over 4×6’s of their dates. Robby really wants to hear JoJo say I love you. Too bad, so sad!

Pirating with Jordan

Jojo takes in the sights and feels like this is something she would’ve seen on National Geographic. Don’t try to fool us that you watch anything other than MTV, JoJosephina. The J’s have a serious chat about how Jordan didn’t ask JoJo’s dad for her hand. He just didn’t think it felt right and he won’t ask until he knows it’s a hard yes. JoJo is confused. This is the part in the episode where they make it seem like JoJo isn’t going to pick Jordan. Jordan spends the whole evening portion convincing JoJo he wants her for life and regretting not asking her dad. I consider writing ABC a letter convincing them that all this could’ve been accomplished in a one hour slot.

Neil Lane’s Time to Shine

Jordan (after being shamed so hard) calls JoJo’s parents to ask permission via speakerphone. SO warm and sincere. Then he writes JoJo a notebook style letter and they each take a turn reading it, voiceover style as Jordan coiffed his hair and lint brushes his suit. Robby writes a dumb letter too. Apparently we’re getting into “hit you over the head” notebook reference territory. For the record, a note written on loose leaf on reality TV doesn’t even hold a candle to “I love you, I’ll be seeing you.” So stop trying to make it happen! JoJo reads both and cries declaring she’s having a panic attack.

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If you say it, it’s probably not true. I learned that old trick from my brother in law. Anytime I choke on my food (probably because I’m eating it too fast) and cough out “I’m choking”, he’s quick to point out that if I’m talking then I’m breathing and therefore not choking. Facts only. That’s not a panic attack, JoJo. That’s called feeling bad about dumping a human Ken doll on national television.

SURE ENOUGH, Robby’s out of the limo first. BYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYEBYE!

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JoJo can’t let Robby get down on his knee, so she stops him to sob and tell him she doesn’t want to do this but BOY, BYE. She hasn’t improved one inch at dumping this whole season. JoJo’s heart is PHYSICALLY hurting after that breakup. Of course she already immediately misses him once he leaves.

Jordan shows up as JoJo is still crying a little bit over Robby. One of them declares that love doesn’t need to have scripts…which is nice but this one totally does. She loves him, he loves her, she slides that Neil cushion cut right on her ring fing and then makes a lot of sex moans while they smooch and cuddle. Jordan effortlessly flips her into his arms for a quick jog on the beach as he tells us about “our life” together. OUR IS PLURAL, JORDAN. IT’S LIVES. I let it slide once, but I cannot.

 

AFTER SHOW HIGHLIGHTS

  • Robby painfully asks JoJo several times why she didn’t love him as much as Jordan. It’s sad and cringeworthy. Take a hint, bruh. They cut to Jordan backstage primping his hair and it’s EMBARRASSING. Real talk though: I wonder if Jordan’s hair gets wet in the shower.

  • There’s a slight tease at the next Bachelor just so Chad can get up to point out that his mom died and he’s a marine and he too, deserves love. Chris says how about no? We don’t get a Bachelor announcement, so this after show was worthless.
  • JoJo looks hot AF in a sassy pony. Her and Jordan have gone through some hard times because of all the rumors. Their shelf life is end of BIP and that’s pretty obvious.

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  • Jordan continues to dodge all further questioning about GREEN BAY PACKERS QUARTERBACK AARON RODGERS. It didn’t matter if he said anything because Chris Harrison used that title in full roughly 15 times throughout the episode to get viewers to watch the entire after show. What a con artist. I hope GREEN BAY PACKERS QUARTERBACK AARON RODGERS sues the franchise.
  • JoJo and Jordan are moving in together in Dallas. For now. But more importantly, ABC is sending them back to PENNSYLFUCKINGVANIA. Seriously?! Out of all the places they could go, this is the prize? JoJo squeals in glee. I don’t understand anything. I wish these two nothing but fame.
  • Chris Harrison points out that Ben and Lauren are there no less than 100 times, to remind us that they’re still together and also that they have a reality show coming to the tween network very soon.

PS big ups to JoJo and Jordan for patting themselves on the back for not spoiling the results via Snapchat like Kaitlyn, yet forgetting to mention that this mouth-breathing dum dum did it for them when he gave an interview and revealed that JoJo gets along great with the whole family.

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HOW ARE PEOPLE ALLOWED TO DO INTERVIEWS MID-SEASON? Anyway, see you next season for The Bachelor with Luke. Not Luke Rodgers. THIS Luke.

Luke

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The Bachelorette- A Double Kick in the Nuts

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“I got a fantasy suite card and then I got sent home. That’s like pull your pants down and kick me in the nuts.”

Last week we were left with the cliffhanger that JoJo might send her everlasting Nicholas Sparks character home and sPoILeR alert: she did. And that’s when I checked right on out of this season.

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In this scenario, this entire season was the white dog crap and I’VE HAD ENOUGH, JOJO. Luke stutters about seeing a future with her and thinking the magic was real like a wounded baby bird. JoJo is the crusher of all dreams and magic and I nearly reached toward my TV to give Luke a hug. It cut even deeper when his parting words were, “I’m sorry.” DON’T YOU DARE APOLOGIZE TO HER, LUKE!!! YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A PERFECT COWBOY STRAIGHT OUT OF AN EROTICA. JoJo sobs and says she misses him already. TOUGH LUCK, B. (If it wasn’t a trillion times obvious, Luke is top dog for The Bachelor now.)

Thailand

JoJo prays that this week of boning brings her clarity. Girl doesn’t need clarity because by narrowing it down to a guy whose probably gay, a guy who didn’t speak all season, and a famous-adjacent stud, I THINK WE ALL HAVE CLARITY on who she’s gonna give the final rose to.

ROBBY

It rains while Robby and JoJo get Thai massages. There is no happy ending. Later, Robby shows JoJo a letter that his dad snuck into his pants during the home visit. It basically says “You rock, don’t eva change. Love, Dad.” Robby wants JoJo to keep this probably forged letter to show her that his feelings are real. And to remind her that Robby’s “THE MAN!” He gets an invite to sleepover in her mouth. I close my eyes and ears. JoJo claims she’s in love with Robby.

JORDAN

Jordan and JoJo hike to a temple. JoJo modestly covers her shoulders to respect the tradition of Thailand. Her junderwear is totes fine though. Super conservative. It’s a true test of restraint when the two aren’t allowed to kiss in the temple considering just last week they conducted a real moanfest in a library full of high school kids. Instead they talk about JoJo’s parents and brothers…boner killllll. They’re coming out next week to meet the final two and Jordan can’t wait to show how much he loves JoJo. I’m appalled that it took this long for a JoBro’s cameo. Even farmer Chris’s country sisters with Kate Plus Eight haircuts had guest appearances during his season, and they had faces for radio. The bros BETTER deliver next week.

During dinner, JoJo freaks out because when she asks Jordan where he sees himself in a year, he’s like dunno! I guess it’s a turn off that her man doesn’t have a job. Makes total sense since she’s falling in love with a former swimmer and a former quarterback. Aim high. Also, of course she loves Jordan too. But she refuses to pull a Higgins and keeps her lips zipped. She does not, however, keep her pants zipped (I know, girl never wears pants, just go with the metaphor…it flows better) because Jordan gets dat fantasy suite. The morning after, JoJo recycles the same line she used on Robby, “we’re eating our first breakfast together!!!!!” So that’s really authentic. The producers give us gratuitous shots of Jordan shirtless on his balcony and as I believe the great Quinn King once said, the panties of America drip in unison.

CHASE

JoJo thinks Chase is SUPER playful because he pretends to eat a dead fish. Lolerz. That Chase! He always has some goofy bit up his sleeve! Chase s l o w l y tells us how JoJo’s personality and sex appeal are unstoppable. Someone’s thirsty AF for that fantasy suite. They frolic and dry hump in the water.

Robby steals time during the day of Chase, essentially just to further make me want to vomit. He just missed JoJo so much. He also needed a little more screen time to workshop what he should call her. We’ve gotten a variety of Jo, Joelle, Joj and it’s getting cringeworthy watching him figure out which nickname feels right. Answer: none of them. Pls take your glowing teeth and go away, Robby.

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After Robby interruptus, Chase reads the fantasy suite card because we haven’t heard it read aloud twice already this episode. It’s about as necessary as Chris Harrison entering every single week just to remind us that we’re on the last rose. At any rate, in the suite, Chase tells JoJo that he loves her and he admits he’s never said that to someone first before and with that, sealed his fate to leave Thailand and all it’s fishy smell behind. Lookin at you, JoJo. No but seriously, vag jokes aside, JoJo promptly breaks up with Chase. No booty for him. And if you’re looking for a little #MotivationMonday, look no further than Chases’ response: “So now love equals get the fuck out?” Golf clap. Enjoy your years of therapy, Chaseroni. JoJo sobs of course then follows him out to the car, refusing to let him leave on his own terms. After watching this 40 minutes earlier with Luke, I’ve had just about enough with JoJo’s breakup tactic. The guys aren’t supposed to comfort you when you’re breaking up with them, JoJo. That’s not how this works. Cut the cord and let Chase enjoy his road soda in peace.

 

Rose Ceremony 2.0

And the battle of the tight ankle pants and fluffy hair commences. I mean seriously, could these two do anything to stand out? They’re wearing matching G-D blue and khaki outfits like they work at the resort. Even Chase gets the memo as he interrupts JoJo’s soliloquy about dumping him. Chase isn’t back to ask for a second chance, he just wants to secure his place in the running for The Bachelor. If he ousts Luke for the title, there’s no telling what I’ll do. (I’ll watch the season and make fun of him every week, obviously.) Anyway, Chase leaves again and JoJo returns to use her annoying baby voice to give out both roses to her twin boyfriends.

 

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Now let’s all get ready for what’s really important…the return of Chad in all his torso-tossing glory to our TV’s.

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The Bachelorette- The One Without Aaron Rodgers

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“I know that Aaron won’t be there, but I’m excited to meet everyone else.”-The greatest lie ever told.

It’s time to hit up those hometowns and see how JoJo will adapt her style to each part of the country and what sibling will say something inapprops…spoiler alert: it won’t be THAT famous footballer. But first, let’s check in with Chase who’s managed to cling on to his spot in the final four despite lacking a personality. Looks are everything.

Chase: Highlands Ranch, CO

Chase and JoJo chitchat on a rock in the picturesque mountains about Chase’s parents and their messy divorce. It’s tough for Chase to talk about but JoJo rewards him with some tongue. The parents have to meet JoJo separately (in the same house?) so they don’t kill each other, Lifetime movie style. Chase goes on and on about how his dad wasn’t around much growing up but as soon as he sees him, he’s all up in his shit and tells dear old dad that he wants to be just like him. Hey Chase,

Then he asks how to not get divorced and kicks JoJo out so he can have a catch with his dad or something. If you thought that was touching then I’ll fix that real quick with an inspirational quote courtesy of Chases’ mom. It goes a little something like, “If you’re not having fun then you just need to have fun…cause…” Gr8 point. JoJo couldn’t agree more though because she wants to be gal pals with Chase’s mom SAH bad. The feeling is mutche because the mom gives JoJo a rave review—cause JoJo loves dogs and hates fish. WIFEY MATERIAL. Chase talks about how hard it is to say I love you since the big D (divorce, ya pervs), which makes it that much more cringeworthy when he FINALLY tells JoJo because we know he ain’t winnin. Also Chase and his mom cry a lot—which totes isn’t their style but now it is because they just did it on national TV.

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Jordan: Chico, CA

JoJo’s never heard of Chico, California but they have DEER! I thought I was watching Kaitlyn flap away from a bird in terror until I figured out those were JoJo’s flailing arms of glee just because some deer were playing in a park. Jordan takes her back to his high school where he obviously was the kewl and popular football player. They make out in the library and JoJo groans a lot. It seems particularly inappropriate until Jordan leads her to what I assume is an athletic office or football locker room covered from wall to wall in old pictures of high school football players. Look, I’m not not hinting at chomo vibes but I feel like in general we should all be more concerned about this shrine to football players past, featuring all the Rodgers bros. JoJo’s like oh, look your brother (he who shall not be named) and Jordan’s like k let’s go, date’s over. Jk he wasn’t that dramats but he did refuse to discuss it. JoJo tables it until she can approach every member of the family regarding the forgotten (yet most famous) Rodgers bruh.

Once JoJo meets the entire fam (but not REALLY the entire fam), Jordan’s mom, who could easily be a massage therapist with that soothing voice, tells stories of how Jordan was the spicy child who threatened to run away when he was little. What kid hasn’t threatened to run away? I did once and my parents were like cool, it’ll save us some money, good luck ya little turd. Anyway, JoJo hammers Luke about the Aaron sitch and Luke won’t speak of their brother that is dead to them either. Such a dramatic group. More importantly, what’s the best way to take the frontrunner with the fluffy hair down a peg or two? Show a pic of him as a serial killer.

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In summary: Aaron may not have been there physically, but JoJo made sure his presence was felt by the NUMBER of times she dropped his name. Also, she still has doubts that Jordan is a playyyaaaaaa and won’t want forever. Double also: Luke is trying to have the same hair as Jordan. Sucks2Suck Aaron, you’re not in the Rodgers swoopy hair club, YOU LOSER.

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Robby: St. Augustine, FL

Ugh. Robby’s still here. They take a carriage ride and every time Robby speaks I want to shut my ears off. JoJo is concerned that she’s just filling the void of his ex-girlfriend who he dropped like a month before filming. Burn city from Robby though shitting on his ex and saying he hasn’t thought about his relationship or missed her once. Woof.

Robby and JoJo walk into the house like they’re f’ing Mr & Mrs Claus with the number of gifts they’re holding. No wonder every cousin, friend or neighbor Robby has ever spoken to is there. Then Robby the frozen Ken doll turns melodramatic real quick. You know how much sleep Robby’s gotten? 0. You know how many panic attacks he’s had? A LOT GUYS. A LOT. JoJo tells his mom that she’s falling in love with him, which is stupid. Since Robby’s entire existence on this show revolves around his ex-GF, his mom breaks the news that there are rumors he dumped her for the show. Robby runs in to tell JoJo what APPARENTLY happened. I wish I was drinking wine instead of crushing a bowl of ice cream because I would’ve been so drunk off of the apparently drinking game. JoJo obviously freaks the F out because she was already worried about this. Robby reassures her that it’s all lies all while managing to trash Hope again by saying their relationship was over 9 months before it really ended. JoJo forgives him or whatever.

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Luke: Burnet, TX

JoJo is wearing cutoffs and cowboy boots for her return to her roots, or a basic bitch country concert. Either way I think we can all agree that Texas JoJo is the hottest JoJo. Even Luke keeps bringing up how her outfit makes his pants tight…which could be awkward considering that he surprised JoJo by throwing a backyard hootinannny with 50 of his closest friends. JoJo really jacks up her southern drawl because Texas Forever. Luke’s sister is a smokeshow, fist bumps to the Pell parents for creating that gene pool.

And then the real movie begins. Luke pulls JoJo away to tell her that he wants their future together. “I want us” he drawls as he pulls her in for a deep kiss while the sun sets on the farm. Is this a G-D scene from The Longest Ride? Interns set up a walkway of candles to a flower heart so that Luke can have his movie magic moment for when he tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her. There’s not a dry pair of undies in the world. Except apparently for JoJo’s as she declares at the rose ceremony that Luke’s gotta go. WHAT?! Are we missing something?! That Texas hunk must’ve gotten a producer tip that he’s on the chopping block and pulls JoJo aside right away to tell her he loves her. Well played, bro.

JoJo then has a Grade A bachelorette meltdown (in a dress fit for a Vegas ice dancer) because now she doesn’t know who to send home. WHO IS GOING TO BE A GOOD HUSBAND? WHAT IF SHE MAKES THE WRONG DECISION? She just DOESN’T know!!! I know! Pick Luke, you big idiot. He’s a southern gent who lives in the same state as you and hasn’t said one wrong thing this entire season. Don’t be a moron. But of course we’ll have to wait until next week to find out THE BIG DECISION of who will be gettin’ some in a Sandals resort suite. Big ups for whoever decided to give us a double whammy next week  with sex on Monday night and Chad on Tuesday night. That better make up for this to be continued garbage.

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The Bachelorette- Not Anybody’s Goocho

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It’s been a couple of weeks but we’re still in Buenos Aires and unfortunately last episode’s bitch rose ceremony wasn’t all a dream and Alex and James still squeaked through with pity roses. Chris Harrison earns his paycheck by stopping by to tell the boys how many dates there will be this week. Good work, Chris. Alex can CTFD because he finally got his one on one. Or in Chases’ words: dude, shut up. Stop bitching. I like Chase. He can kick it for a while.

I Gaucho On My Mind with Alex

On their “road trip” aka cab ride, they have a thumb war (JoJo loves a good thumb war), do Pringles duck lips aaand JoJo says it’s like sharing the backseat with her little brother. She didn’t say little but…come on. She also didn’t outright say brother, but we all knew it. At one point Alex horribly tries to rap and she’s like k let’s play the quiet game.

The boys have to take a bus to wherever it is that they’re going. They get road sodas though, so it’s ok. Robby is wearing white old woman open toed slippers. So he’s really dressed for the ride. Definitely gave him mad street cred when the bros started freestyling about Alex needing a stool to get into a sidecar. OooOoh THIRD DEGREE BURN courtesy of white boys rappin.

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On the date, they arrive at a Spanish word for ranch…at least JoJo thinks that’s what it means. WHERE ARE THE CUE CARDS, GUYS?! I didn’t know what Gauchos actually are but I shot out some T’s and P’s that they weren’t referring to the extra wide stretchy pants that I found approps to wear to Easter dinner with kitten heels in 2007. It turns out, it was worse than I imagined. A gaucho is someone who’s born to stroke horses and maybe sneak a kiss in too.

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Producers force Alex to dress the part, as if he’s not still reeling from getting a pity rose. JoJo throws on a pair of suede leggings and calls Alex a “cute little gaucho” and that’s pretty much when I declared it was curtains for Alex. The two lil goocho’s snuggle and make out on top of the horse that has just been stroked and might actually be dead. I wondered how it was that I ended up in the bestiality section of YouJizz. It would be kewl if going forward, JoJo didn’t use a horse as a bed.

After the horse has been dragged away to the glue factory, Alex tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her and then adds in that he fell in love with her the second he saw her, which is laying it on real thick. Let’s T it down Alex, you were put on this show to rival Chad and by God’s grace you clung on until now. It was crickets city from JoJo and we all know that we’ve reached the point of no return. She’s not feelin it because she has more chemistry with her brothers than she has with lil Al and feels it’s more respectful to send him home now. Realistically it would’ve been more respectful to all of us if she didn’t ask him to kiss her while lying on a lifeless horse, but who am I to judge. Alex takes it really well. Jk he leaves angry, kind of like how he spent this entire season.

 Let’s Toast to Love with Jordan

Jordan gets the romantic wine country date and if it’s not obvious at this point that he’s one half of the bottom two, then we haven’t been watching the same show. They grape stomp but no one falls and screams so it’s actually not entertaining at all. (Had to sneak this in because it still makes me laugh to the point of tears. Sorry not sorry.)

JoJo gets into Jordan’s barrel because she can’t stand to not be touching him at all times. I’m fine with that because I would’ve done the same. What I’m not okay with is when they go ahead and drink each other’s chunky feet grapes. AND THEY LIKED IT. I’m appalled and disgusted until I realize that they probably think it’s wine. If you could make wine just from doing the running man over some grapes, I would turn my kitchen into a G-D vineyard. JoJo was probably like oohhh I’m feelin it, that wine was strong! As she chews on a mushy grape. Feeling the high from those toe jam grapes, they hop into the conveniently placed vineyard hot tub. Jordan wants JoJo to meet his mama. That’s what he’s thinking about as they grind their wet bodies on each other in the hot water.

Later, Jordan brings up double A for the first time this season basically. And it comes out that he doesn’t have a relationship with Aaron, which I’m sure is really good press for his more famous bro to have your family saying you don’t spend any time with them. Cliff notes version: According to Jordan no one talks to Aaron and he’s all sorts of F’ed up after living life in Aaron’s shadow. I wonder if this is why Jordan felt the need to have swoopy hair. ~~Livin in, livin in, livin in the ShAdOw~~

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Even though that was some juicy celeb gossip to air all over television, what was more entertaining was the way Jordan introduced the topic by saying, you won’t be meeting my middle brother and JoJo puts on a calm & cool performance of a lifetime with her response, “you mean, Aaron?” Oh IDK, is that his name, JoJo?! Every viewer groans at the thought of no Aaron or Olivia appearances on next week’s hometown visit. Oh yeah, and Jordan says he is “so in love with JoJo.” JoJo’s basically like, samesies.

Let Our Love Soar with Chase, James, Robby

The weather forecast ruins the date that probably was never planned for the three “other guys”. James Tay stops talking for just enough time to shove 100 french fries in his yapper because that’s how you get girls. I shed a tear for so many wasted fries and had to physically stop myself from doing a McD’s run for some of my own. The rest is an 8th grade slumber party. The only thing missing was a choreographed dance and Bonnebell glitter rollerballs. In truth or dare, Robby’s dared to run the hallway in his undies…YAWN. We saw more skin on Damn Daniel when he stripped to a speedo on night one. James feels threatened by Robby’s Ken doll abs, so he narcs to JoJo about Robby’s wandering eye. It pretty much backfires when James gets the bottom of the bed for their group snuggle.

JoJo asks Robby about his ex who he dated for three years. They broke up over Christmas break, because apparently Robby is still in college. Even though they just broke up like 2 months before filming, he’s totes over it. Chase “really, really likes” JoJo and does want to spend the rest of his life with her. Cause marriage is totes the result of xoxo’ing someone in your aim profile, which is essentially what Chase just declared. James Tay wants to know why it feels like there’s no chemistry between them and JoJo spins a web of lies that’s like you’re really nice and you like me so our relationship is great. What James misses is what she doesn’t say and that’s “I’m not attracted to you.” It’s unfortunate that he misinterprets that and feels so confident because it’s crystal clear that he’s outtie five thou in the next rose ceremony.

The boys debate who will get roses and it turns into a heated argument about how each guy should think they’re a frontrunner or GTFO. I don’t know who deemed Robby the Coach Taylor in this scenario, but I could’ve done without his pre-rose pep talk. Robby the self-proclaimed frontrunner gets the rose and I’m never more turned off than I am when watching him and JoJo smooch. I’ll give him one more week before I riot.

Horse Play with Luke

As is typs for her dates with Luke, JoJo is horned up for everything that he does. The way he handles the horses, how he shoots, how he coaches her to shoot, she just can’t. She CANNOT stop soaking her undies. Luke shares that he doesn’t have an LP after this show but he’d like to figure it out with JoJo and she’s all about that because she knows that every Bach alum ends up being paid to make appearances for the rest of their lives, so that works best when someone isn’t tied down to a career. It also opens the door for Luke to become the next Bachelor should he be left hanging in the finale. Wink.Well played, Luke.

Rose Ceremony

Robby, Luke, Jordan, Chase

(You think maybe James is rethinking the whole deepthroating a plate full of fries tactic?)

Since ABC likes to toe the line (Robby mooned us, LOL OMG) there’s a bonus scene during the credits of a closed door with JoJo moaning on and on about how good that feels. PSYCH GUYS, IT’S JUST HER GETTING A HEAD MASSAGE!! LOLOLOL but seriously though remember when Kaitlyn O’ed with a mic pack still on? Get on her level, JoJo. No more of this Disney play with my hair shit. When the door is closed I expect you to be getting some.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Derek Cries for Argentina, A Lot

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We have arrived in Buenos Aires: Where men in berets ride donkeys (probably to work), also where JoJo wears a skintight red dress, and open white trench coat while petting strange dogs in a park. She’s one with culture.

Besame, Besame, Muchacho with Wells

Wells admits he’s the only one who hasn’t kissed JoJo and essentially gives every other guy a chance to judge him real hard and razz him in front of JoJo, which is basically social suicide. The boys spend FAR too long talking about how much smooch pressure there is. And Wells admits he was waiting for the perfect moment to kiss JoJo, thus putting TONS of pressure on it. I mean it’s totally sweet that Wells is thinking like a rom com, but we should probably quickly remind him that JoJo has been AGGRESSIVELY swapping spits with roughly 15 other guys the entire time she’s been dating Wells. Therefore, romance is dead. About as dead as being super awkward and anticipating a kiss on a performance art date. Finally, while sloshing around a see through pool together and weirdly slopping into each other, they kiss. THAT was the moment?! Rly? Anyway, later on, Wells gets sweaty and talks about his past relationship. He says obviously passion fades in relationships and JoJo is like uh uh honey. He does not get rosed. JoJo wah wahs about it while a dramatic montage of their date plays and she stands in the middle of a crowd while it rains. WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! Did JoJo suddenly step into a music video? We’ll never know. (Nor do I want to.)

Living La Vida Boca with Luke, Robbie, Jordan, James, Alex

James Tay and his jheri curl are feeling super self-conscious being surrounded by a bunch of babes with the same haircut. They play a little futbol with the locals where Jordan pulls his shirt over his head for a six-pack showdown and Alex immediately copies him because Alex is a tryhard. James makes a goal and gets to kiss JoJo in front of everyone and show the other bros you don’t need chiseled abs to get closed mouth kiss the girl…but like it doesn’t hurt your chances either.

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At the night portion of the date, camera one is specifically angled to catch JoJo’s wandering hand as it roams near Luke’s dick while they chat. He pours his heart out about how much he loves being on the show and JoJo just keeps caressing him and kissing him. GET THE HINT LUKE SHE WANTS TO BANG SO STOP TALKING. JoJo says she’s running out of words to describe the passion between her and Luke but she doesn’t really need words when we see his hand creeping up her skirt, and him grabbing a fistful of her ass plus the fact that she wouldn’t even let him speak without putting her hands in his lap. James uses his alone time with JoJo to bitch about Jordan giving the wrong rules to a card game or something. He goes on a rant about how Jordan’s a celebrity and everyone should bow down to him. Obviously he sounds like a whiny little b. Then he asks to kiss JoJo. I think James’ time has expired on this show. (To be clear I thought that week one but there were bigger fish to fry then ahem, Evan.) Naturally, JoJo immediately tattles to Jordan to ask what’s up with the card game kerfuffle because apparently her suitors live in a nursing home and fight over a game of Uno or something. Jordan says he’s not entitled as JoJo runs her fingers through his luscious locks. What’s great about this season is that we don’t need to guess who JoJo will be bringing to the fantasy suites because she physically can’t keep her hands off them, even when she’s pretending to have a serious conversation about their character. Jordan returns to sit on a tiny couch with James and swishes his white wine spritzer around in his glass at warp speed while everyone else has the uncomfies. Then after his wine has been thoroughly tossed, they have it out on baby couch. Agree to disagree on the rules of Poker, boys. Luke gets rosed.

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It Takes Two with Derek and Chase

Professional dancers perform a threesome tango and I’m pretty sure we saw the female dancers’ cooch, which was confirmed when the camera panned to Chase shouting “WHOA” with wide eyes. Must be his first peek at foreign vag. PS I went to a pole dancing class this weekend and the instructor kept saying cooch, so I’m bringing that back real hard. Since JoJo can’t decide who she wants to have relations with, she forces Chase and Derek to dance fight for her. This got me jazzed, imagining Center Stage’s final sassy dance, guessing who would be the one to ride the motorcycle onto the stage (Chase, obviously). Unfortunately, watching them push JoJo back and forth between two inches of space was the most anti-climatic thing I’ve ever had to watch. I kept waiting on the edge of my seat for them to bring down the house. Show us a little canned heat! Wag your finger at the boys when they get too grabby, JoJo! But nope, even though JoJo was wearing a red dress, it was certainly no Cooper-Jody-Charlie sensual showdown.

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VS.

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In one on one time, Derek tells JoJo he’s falling for her. On the other hand, Chase gets scolded for not giving JoJo’s feelings validation or reciprocation. Chase gets the rose. Makes sense, right? Derek has a suuuper depressing limo farewell with “I’m Derek and Derek is imperfect” and “WHY am I crying?!” cross-cut with a singer belting “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” and Chase/JoJo touching all up on each other. Brava for the juxtaposition between Derek’s sopping wet tears and that song. BRAVA.

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Cocktail Party

Jordan takes her aside to say he should win this because he deserves to. JK he says he’s falling for her LIKE EVERYONE ELSE obviously. Alex says he was mad he hasn’t gotten a one on one or a group date rose yet. I’m mad Alex is still on this show.

Roses

Luke, Chase, Robbie, Jordan……DRAMATIC EXIT to tell Chris that they both suck and she doesn’t want to give this rose out. YAAASSSSS. BYE James & Alex! Luke & Jordan for the final two. Boooyahhhhh.

Those are all the celebratory words I typed before I realized that she was actually asking Chris for two roses to keep both of those turds around. Alex feels like he has a pity rose and HE’S NOT WRONG. CLEAN IT UP, JOJO. Stop trying to throw us off the scent that your bottom four will be Chase, Robby, Jordan and Luke. Also, turn up your gaydar a notch around Robby. Jus Sayin.

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The Bachelorette- The Other Chad

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Chad’s Last Stand

The boys gather to toss Chad’s protein powder into the wind and Wells is the lead spokesperson? Huh? Has Wells said anything since he almost passed in his firefighter suit? James Taylor plays his guitar of course. And Even declares, “Chad has been eliminated by Alex.” Not confident he knows how the show actually works. Daniel lets Chad back in the house so the bros can form a circle around him like a captive audience nommin on cereal to hear all about his date. This ends in Chad and Jordan getting into a handshake fight. No seriously, I stopped listening but I know that there was a squeezed handshake and some power staring. 1, 2, 3, 4 I DECLARE A THUMB WAR. Chad spin moves out of the house and that’s all he wrote for the best character in Bach history. What a disappointing departure after all that whistling build up. The boys embrace Alex like he’s the MVP including cupcakes, party hats and a sparkler. These guys have WAY too much time on their hands.

Cocktail Party

Chase gets in a bubble with JoJo and it’s seriously pointless. Until JoJo flatlines Chase with one bump and that brings me pure joy. James F(?) Who has done nothing of substance for the past four weeks, read a poem to JoJo that was super dumb and she teared up. The mystery is solved, JoJo can absolutely cry on demand. There is no way that poem elicited emotion in her. Alex cuts his soliloquy off, which is almost as embarrassing as James F getting tossed immediately after writing prose for JoJo. Jordan saves the day with a quick toss of JoJo against the wall for a steamy makeout sesh, harlequin novel style to the soundtrack of mystery music. Evan spends the entire first half of the episode talking about Chad and the void that he’s left behind. It’s almost as if his only existence on this show was to antagonize Chad and then he questioned who he even was once Chad peaced outta that B. Side note: HOW IS HE STILL HERE?!

Roses: Jordan, Alex, Derek, Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny, James T, Evan

Punta Del Este, Uruguay. Three cheers for the travel budget because “ORAGUAI WE’RE COMIN BABY!”-The guy with the horizontal line of hair across his forehead.

Thank God they showed us the cartoon plane flying from PA to Uruguay otherwise I would’ve literally never known where it was in the world.

Let’s Seal the Date with Jordan

The two love birds yacht it up and swim amongst seals, which seems pretty lame. I’m not asking them to go to an island of sea pigs and let them assault you, but if you’re going to be surrounded by adorbs seals, why not play catch with them too?

Back at the GRAND hotel, which in Robby’s words IS pretty grand. Vinny and his wannabe JT fedora trades in his binocs that he used to creep on Jordan/JoJo for a few gossip rags. Once they’re all done being jelly and comparing Jordan to Chad because he got a one on one and they didn’t, they start reading InTouch cover to cover. Apparently JoJo’s ex Chad, who you’ll recall sent her roses during her home visit with Ben, did a quickie tell all that said they were dating at the time she was filming last season. The bros are in uproar about JoJo still being in love with her ex. Don’t these morons know that nothing is true until it’s published in People? Bible. Also this was 100% planted because producers realized there was no story without the Chadbear. Always need a Chad to keep things interesting.

And on the date, playing with the very obviously written rumors theme, JoJo “met” one of Jordan’s ex-girlfriends who warned her that he sucks at relationships and she needs to address it with him. How’s that possible when she meets the suitors during filming and can’t communicate with the outside world? Oh yeah this show is fake. My B. Jordan says he never cheated but he liked flirting with chicks. He confirms that he was immature and he’s ready now to get married to someone he doesn’t know. JoJo whines DON’T BE MAD AT ME because she tried to get to know him and build trust. Definitely something she should be apologizing for. He gets rosed.

Afterward, producers are like how’s your date? Who cares, here’s a slanderous story from your ex-boyfriend that we’ve given to the contestants to simmer with and confront you about. JoJo cries a lot and says he’s manipulative and an overall terrible person. She sobs real hard to the boys that she’s here for the right reasons. They’re all like OMG WE WOULD NEVER DOUBT THAT. K, whatevs.

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I Can’t Sand to Be Away From You with Luke Derek Chase Evan James Vinny Grant Wells Alex

The crew goes sand surfing, which actually looks really fun despite how gross and dirty sand is. The boys might as well be shouting JoJo WATCH THIS!! as they try tricks and flips in the sand to show off their mad skillz. Evan fears another gushing nose because he can’t handle life without bleeding out. Later they all use their one on one time to talk about this dumb planted InTouch story. Also apparently Alex hates Derek now and calls him an insecure little bitch for telling JoJo that he feels that their relationship needs validation. Literally what has Derek done to deserve such miniature-strength hate. Derek gets the rose.

Love is Within Our Reach with Robby

JoJo plays with a strange dog on the beach and I could honestly watch her play with this dog for the rest of an episode rather than have to watch Robby pretend he likes girls. They go around the city or something and jump off a cliff together and make out in a cave.

Robby tells a tale of how his best friend drove off a bridge a year ago. It inspired Robby to drop his girlfriend, move and quit his job. Seems pretty rash kind of like telling a girl he loves her like 1 week after meeting her. He does that though. And I curl into a ball of cringez. Her reply is “thank you so much”..and a rose.

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Alex and Chase gang up on Derek about how he got his rose, Chad style. No but really. Give it a rest, Alex. You’re moment to shine has passed, the minute your feet dangled from the couch.

Cocktail Party (Naht.)

Derek takes the boys (Robby, Chase, Alex, and Jordan) outside to tell them they’re acting like a high school clique. Alex tells him he’s being sensitive. Yes that’s right, the guy who made it his mission to go after Chad and wah-wah about everything he did, is calling someone else sensitive. This is so dramatic and lame. Thumbs down for everyone included in this man pow-wow. Joke’s on the high school kiddies because there’s no cocktail party…so that we can get back on track with one rose ceremony an episode HOPEFULLY.

Roses (again): Jordan, Derek, Robby, Luke, Chase, Alex, James, Wells

Evan cries. Grant’s ass looks good in his suit. Vinny cries. (about his hair?)

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But really though, Byebyebyebyebyeeeeee Evan! 

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The Bachelorette-Milk is Delicious

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We left off last night with C. Harrison telling Chad to straighten out the dramzies. I think my favorite part about soundtracking is that all an editor needs to do is add in some unsettling music and suddenly it looks like Chad is stalking in to smash skulls. Instead he approaches the bros and smoothes everything over (says he’s not doing anything wrong and tells everyone to agree with him) then goes outside to play with his noodle. Pool noodle, ya pervs. Because that’s right, it’s POOL PARTY TIME!!! JoJo’s like screw the cocktail party, I just wanted to get loose with my guys in a sloppy Vegas style pool party. They rip shots and the guys all pop boners and WOOOO when JoJo loses her crochet cover-up. Not to be a total Chad, but seriously, have these guys ever seen a hot chick in a bikini before? Fake-out one of the night comes when Evan dives into the pool and comes up with a bloody nose. Instead of shouting in a panic “EVAN YOU’RE BLEEDING!!!” like we were led to believe by the previews for tonight’s epi, JoJo’s like LOL you’re bleeding Evan. Ugh, you tricky tricky bastards. All I wanted was a Chad/Evan showdown. I would’ve settled for Evan just being pushed in the pool unexpectedly but noooooo. Evan makes a big show of declaring that he’s not afraid of Chad, which we all know, means he’s terrified and probably locks his door at night and gets panic attack nosebleeds whenever Chad is near.

In other news, JoJo cuddles right up to Jordan and confesses she’s scared of her chemistry with him. She then shoves her legs basically inside of him. Girl, you can’t get any closer unless he’s penetrating you. They thigh touch a whole lot and talk about how much they like each other. Jordan’s going to ‘splode if she keeps this up before the fantasy suites.

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Rose Ceremony

Chase, Evan, James Tay, Grant, Derek, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F, Vinny, Daniel, Alex, Chad

I Like You Very Mush with Luke

ABC continues their streak of giving the ladies DIRT travel budgets and the first trip is Pennsylvania. PENN-SYL-FUCKING-VANIA. Sorry for the cursing, Dad. Not sorry for shitting on this trip. As Luke is leaving for his date, Vinny tells him, “We’ll miss you very mush.” GOOD ONE VINNY! I can tell why JoJo is keeping you around. Don’t ever lose that killer sense of humor!

Luke and JoJo take a dogsled ride into a random field, where, you guessed it! There’s a hot tub waiting for them. Except this isn’t a Ben Higgins model, plopped in a forest. This is a country wood-fired hot tub and Luke better get to choppin if they want to take a dip. I had high hopes that this would be a Win a Date with Tad Hamilton flashback but it was way underwhelming. Lose the shirt before the chop and we’ll talk.

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The hot tub water looks like a murky swamp and yet they both strip down and can’t wait to become immersed in those diseases. JoJo in typical girl fashion demands that Luke make it really hot then burns her limbs off stepping into the tub. Hey JoJo, that’s what really hot feels like. A gent through and through, Luke dangles JoJo above the water until she stops being a baby bitch and can handle the temp. Swoooonnnn. Once in the water, Luke says in his slow ass voice, “Sometimes hot tubs are too hot.” And my swooning comes to an abrupt halt. JoJo climbs into his lap because girl is all about the lap sit. He probably pokes her with his boner but it goes away real quick when JoJo tells Luke he doesn’t look like a rugged man. What a dig. YIKES Luke, tell me those words won’t live with you for all of eternity.

JoJo makes up for it later when she asks Luke how he got so confident and sexay. She really goes for the hard-hitting Q’s. His best friend was killed in Afghanistan so it made him live life like his blood type, B Positive. Yeah it got real serious for a second so I felt the need to spice things up with a Timeflies lyric. Luke gets chills from looking into JoJo’s eyes. JoJo leaves a puddle on the seat probably and roses Luke.

But wait…there’s ONE MORE SURPRISE!!!! Is obviously live music. Dan + Shay need to promote their new album which conveniently dropped today so JoJo and Luke attend their concert and slow dance onstage. I use the term dance loosely because they spend the entire time onstage sucking face. If I bought tickets to that concert I would walk right out. Don’t force me to watch PDA. NOT UP IN HERE.

I’ve gone far too long without talking about Chad so let’s check in on his mental state. Oh no biggie, he’s tanning at the house while a bear wanders around a few feet away. METAPHORS. What season is it in PA though because we’ve got JoJo wearing her best fall outfits and snuggled in a blanket while Chad lays TOFTB in the hot sun. I’m so confused. Either way, don’t poke the Chad bear.

We Could Go All the Way with Derek, James T, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F, Evan, Grant, Jordan, Robby

Big Ben (an alleged rapist) leads this date and by leads I mean he asks JoJo who her favorites are then laughs at them all from the stands as he uses those bear paws of his to slam Cheetos into his mouth. In our second fake-out of the night, James Tay gets a bloody injury from a basic football tackle. Womp Wommppp. He doesn’t want stitches because that means he’d have to leave the date, so instead he’d rather have an ace bandage around his ENTIRE HEAD for a scratch and blood dripping down his face. Quick tip for James Taylor: dried blood on a man’s face=Sahara Desert vag.

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The boys suit up for the game and Evan takes prep for this game v seriously. He arranges his side bang to peek out of his headband as if he’s the lead singer of an emo band. Then slaps on just one eye black. Mid-game he gets another nosebleed of course—denies it—then declares he killed it when his team wins. Daddy’s a winner! He whispers to himself with a closed mouth smile as he sniffs the football, probably.

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Later with the winning team, Robby tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her and lays her out on the pool table after gingerly pushing the balls away for a makeout sesh. Robby’s gay, right? Like 100%? She tongues everyone in the room, including James’ open wound (gross) but Jordan gets the rose because he was passin those pigskins like an almost PRO today and also he took her by surprise and made her feel special. (Special is girl talk for W-E-T.)

Let’s Get Lost with Chad and Alex

Chad calls Alex a whiny little bitch and he’s not wrong. Seriously Alex is being all of those things. A bunch of grown men all sit on top of each other on an L shaped couch while Chad threatens to take them all outside. Again, no one goes outside. If this sounds like a repeat of Monday night’s group date fight, please know that it is.

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The date is hiking and JoJo looks SO outdoorsy with that flannel tied around her waist. Alex airs his grievances about Chad. And there are A LOT OF THEM. One being the Jordan incident that morning, which Alex wasn’t even present for. Seems legit. JoJo immediately tells Chad all the dirt she just heard. Typs 2 on 1 date etiquette. Chad’s like didn’t you ever threaten to rip a girls leg off when you lived in the bachelor mansion? And JoJo is like no, not really. C’mon JoJo…don’t tell me you didn’t at least think about tossing Lauren’s torso into the ocean once you found out Ben loved her TOO?! Ugh, anyway JoJo needs to “think” about why she has such a thing for bad boys or something. Thinking turns into crying when JoJo muses that maybe Chad’s an asshole because he’s grieving his mom’s death. (Or maybe he’s just putting on his best performance to cut a movie deal? Jus sayin.)

Chad relishes his last few moments of fame when he tells Alex he’s not mad, he’s just disappointed with a sly smirk as he drinks milk lying down. Alex has a mini tantrum about how he thought they were going to be Marine besties and Chad’s like whatever, have a glass of milk, bruh. In the end JoJo tells Chad and his violent ways off and gives Lil Alex the rose. Alex has just landed himself on the hit list and the guys shoot off confetti at the news. But it’s not over. Chad whistles and stalks through the woods (all the way back to the house?) Yeah ok. TO BE CONTINUED in two weeks with probably nothing dramatic at all if we’ve learned anything from being tricked by these perfectly crafted previews. Seriously, guys. Don’t fall for it. Either way, I’d like to declare this season over the minute Chad leaves. Whether he’s escorted off or he just went back to the house to grab the extra meats he keeps in his bunk, Heavyweights style, I’m Team Chad through and through. Which when you think about it is strategic AF because I know for a fact Chad will never find me and beat my ass. Winner, Winner, Sweet Potato Dinner.

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The Bachelorette- JoJo Gets Yim-Yammed

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“If I don’t get this date card I’m gonna go cry in a corner by myself”

Let’s Get Physical with Chase

Since The Bachelor’s MO is tossing two people who don’t know each other into tantric workshops, welcome to hawt yoga with the guy who’s logged about 5 minutes total with JoJo. It starts with a bang when the yoga instructor asks how long JoJo and Chase have been intimate and they’re like COULD YOU DEFINE INTIMATE? Oh yeah we’ve never even kissed. So that’s a no. It’s fine though because it took my eyes no time at all to get intimate with Chase in those leggings. He’s got a droolworthy bod with a six pack to write home about. JoJo is feelin it too as she keeps telling the camera how chiseled Chase is. Then she straddles him for “a yoga position” called the “yim-yam” except it ends with them making out and touching each other’s naked bodies. While they were hardcore yimming each other’s yams, the yoga instructor magically disappears. What a wing woman. Girl knows what foreplay looks like and when to get the hell outta there. Side note that you may detect a scooch of jealousy in: JoJo’s perfect mermaid waves stay intact throughout this entire 110-degree workout and she couldn’t look fresher. WUTEVER.

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Later, JoJo does that thing girls do when they want a guy to tell them they’re a bangpiece—she’s all I didn’t even look sexy today, I was so nervous! LoL. Chase doesn’t bite. Strike one. Then he talks about how his parents got divorced and marriage is a one-time deal for him. Does Chase know what show he’s on? The Bachelorette does not value marriage, Chase. Get out while you can. He gets rosed because JoJo’s “excited” about him. Read: her undies are soaked just thinking about getting her yam yimmed. Charles Kelly serenades them.

Love Has No Secrets with Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, Chad

Upon receiving the group date card with fifty names on it, Chad says that he doesn’t even wanna go. He’d rather kick back and get his one on one later. The other gents aren’t loving this ‘tude and so starts a bro-off. Chad tells Evan to stop talking and calls Jordan a failure. Alex “try me bro’s” Chad and there’s a whole lot of staring.

The date turns out to be a Sex Talks live show. In other words, a show where people pay money to watch a woman walk onstage and proceed to make orgasm sounds. The bros are uncomfy and Vinny “has never heard sounds like that before.” Quick tip for Vinny, solve that line of hair parading across your forehead (you are a barber, after all) and you might have more chances to bring chicks to O-Town. The date takes a turn when the men are asked to participate. I was pretty terrified when we got a BTS peek at the process and Daniel was drawing a stick figure on his pad of paper. My predictions came true when he told a story about cutting a lock of hair with a knife from a girl he had tied up. REALLY ABC? YOU’RE GONNA SPLICE THAT SOUNDBYTE IN WITH NO EXPLANATION?! I can only assume the stick figure he drew was supposed to be a chalk outline of the girl he once raped and killed. Bet he carries that hair around in his pocket. His act got big laughs though so apparently I’m missing something here. It would be nice to know so I don’t have nightmares about the Damn Daniel guy scalping someone. (Or images of Nick the former Santa Claus practicing his alphabet tongue skills. Yuck.)

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Anyway, I got carried away creating my own story because the truth is, there’s only one storyline here and his name is Chad. In fact, The Chadchelorette is now a thing. Evan has declared himself number one instigator this week with a routine solely focused on Chad’s steroid use. Lil Alex cheers him on from the crowd because someone smaller than him is taking on his battle. There’s a wrinkle in Evan’s plan when Chad tries to tear his shirt clean off his body. I cheered and then quickly waivered in my support for Chad when I saw that his tactic was to plant one on JoJo instead of telling a sex story. She cheeks him SO HARD and it’s cringeworthy to say the least. Evan’s feeling pretty giddy post-show for having almost been hung by his own v-neck but Chad is there to make him flinch and bring him back down to earth. Chad is also bleeding from his altercation with the stage door. But that’s neither here nor there.

At the night portion, we could talk about how Jordan dances around the fact that he probably (if Instagram has anything to say about it, definitely) cheated on his ex girlfriend and Alex weirdly tells JoJo that he’s ride or die. OR we could talk about how Chad sits approximately 1 foot away from JoJo and Nick and whistles a tune until they’re forced to move locations. We can also share a giggle about how Chad’s shirt rage really stemmed from a little movie theater pet peeve. EVERYONE KNOWS YOU LET THE OTHER PERSON OUT OF THE ROW BEFORE YOU GO IN. If I had a nickel for every shirt I ripped when someone got up to go to the bathroom at Regal! Evan, still high off of his seriously unfunny standup act, demands an apology from Chad and a new shirt.

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Chad werks that spin zone and by the end of this confrontation, I begin to believe that Evan’s actually the bully. Except he’s not a bully. He’s a loser. A loser with a skinny wiener. He declares to JoJo that if Chad stays, he will have to leave. As I begin to sing Nah Nah Nah Nah, Nah Nah Nah Nah, HEYYYEYYYYYEYYY GOODBY—WHAT!??!?! EVAN GOT A ROSE?! I didn’t even need to scream at my TV because Chad does it for me when he asks JoJo “is this a real scenario right now?” Well?! ANSWER THE QUESTION JOJO. DID YOU REALLY JUST KEEP A SPAGHETTI STRAP TANKTOP WEARIN’ MAN WHO KISSED YOU, THEN WHISPER-SANG TO THE CAMERA IN A HIGH FALSETTO, “Boys guess what? Daddy made out with JoJo!” Not only did Evan really stick to his guns there, but he also managed to creep the world out in about 30 seconds. Congrats you big weirdo.

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Let’s Kick it Old School with James Taylor

Rrrrighttt, like we’re to believe that JoJo can drive a vintage whip without power steering. HOKAY. A lady whose easily 100 gives James Tay and JoJo swing dance lessons. James gets pretty sweaty. JoJo looks like an old Hollywood dream, of course. The “surprise” is that they dance with other swing dancers for one song. Cool. James is excited about everything. I’m excited for them to cut to Chad manhandling a sweet potato.

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That night, JoJo is concerned because she likes James childlike wonder but doesn’t necessarily want to mount him. James reveals that his nickname in school was Luke Longneck (better than being compared to Squidward—amirite Grant?!) He feels like JoJo is out of his league…probably because she is. JoJo can’t reject him after that confession without looking like a real B, so he gets a rose. Since James is the guitar guy, he HAS to bust out the axe and sing a whiny original to JoJo. Picture yourself sitting directly next to a guy who is serenading you with a lame song. Would you play dead? (I would.) Instead, JoJo cries. Nailed it.

Tensions are apparently so high back at the ranch that the guys force security guards to walk the perimeter of the bachelor mansion in case Chad gets the urge to rip any more shirts. Daniel tries to level with Chad by comparing him to Hitler and asking if he could maybe dial it back to Mussolini. Chad ponders as he bites into a head of lettuce. He’s probably still pondering when Evan decides to act suuuuper mature for a 33-year-old dad, and tattle to Chris Harrison. C. Harrison tells Chad to settle the problem, Chad hears “create a Bachelorette death match”, and Evan just doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. HE’S JUST EXHAUSTED, GUYS. We’re left in the lurch for tonight’s episode because the cocktail party has been cancelled, and instead we will get probably a full hour of a gangbang pool party. Bonus points if legs are cut off and torsos are thrown into the pool. Getchyo drinks ready because it’s about to pop OFF tonight and I will daydream of floating torsos until then.

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Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Chad Came for the Free Meats

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“Hey you hurt our feelings, we’re a bunch of butthurt dudes…”

 

Blowin up Limos with Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F., Wells, Robby

There’s a blazin limo in the bach driveway but have no fear because JoJo hops out of a fire truck dressed as a slutty firefighter in a skin tight white tank and gives everyone boners, free of charge. The competition is how to be a firefighter and Grant, the real life firefighter probably will be a natural at this. Wells the radio DJ, not so much. He may know All-4-One but he can’t play with hoses. It’s rock bottom for him when the instructor demands that he get some water in front of the rest of the guys. YIKES. That’s like when my gym teacher used to call me out for walking the mile. Shamed for days. Wells finally has to lie down for a little while because the water wasn’t healing his near death experience. It’s then when I have my AHA moment. JoJo comes over to him and suddenly he’s cured just from being touching distance from those knockers. It’s an open and shut case of Wells pulling the Squints drowning for a Wendy Peffercorn smooch. I see you, Wells. (He later wins a pity rose for this performance.) Snake it till you make it, bro. If you’ll recall, Squints and Wendy went on to have 9 kids. Back to the competition, Grant wins it, as he should. If he didn’t win this game, he 100% should’ve changed career paths. PS how many MF’ing fire puns can we fit in one date? Answer: all of them.

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Later, Luke in his T-Bird leather jacket says, “I’m so glad to like…..beeee here.” No seriously, that was his opening line to JoJo, said like he was a basic bitch. He talks about his history in the military and how he’s had a few serious relationships. Then they tongue. (Update: I still can’t figure out why I hate Luke but I want to punch him square in the face.)

While the boys are at the date, Chad straps his suitcase full of protein powder to his dick and does some pull-ups. The rest of the gents watch and laugh at him. Then James Taylor leads them in a campfire song called “JoJo” and Chad sulks in the kitchen. I’ve never gone from hating someone so much to siding with them so quickly.

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Love is Full of Choices with Derek

The premise of this date is that signs are placed in front of their powder blue vintage convertible and they have to decide on the count of three. They both decide sky and OMG THEY’RE SO COMPATIBLE. North or South? They (JoJo) pick North and they better keep their head on a swivel for South because he was PRETTY PISSED they didn’t choose him. While flying to San Fran in a private jet, Derek and JoJo play thumb war with both hands, at the same time. It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. In the end they picnic at the Golden Gate Bridge and it’s pretty vanilla.

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Later at dinner, JoJo repeats everything that they did that day. As if we didn’t watch it and they didn’t live it. Then they talk about past relationships and Derek closed himself off because he thought he was getting married and there “was another person involved in that.” Which is a weird and long-ass way to say he got cheated on. They’re on the same page about trying to be more open. Derek’s cute and all but this date was boring as hell. The grand finale is making out in front of a Technicolor water fountain. Obviously Derek gets rosed.

Meanwhile, on the Chad show, he makes a really intelligent analogy about how if he blended the dudes in the house into a protein shake, they wouldn’t win this show. WOW Chad, what a brainteaser. #DudeProteinShakes should be trending forever. It will also probably be the name of his pending blog and exercise powder sponsorship, post-show. Although to give him credit, he’s talking to Daniel during this musing of men and shakes and I’m sure that made COMPLETE sense to the Canadian male model who still thinks Damn Daniel is relevant. They’re both wearing frat tanks during this convo, because of course.

 

“Prove Your Love To Me and the Nation” with Jordan, Christian, Nick, James Taylor, Alex, Chad

JoJo “is on” Sports Nation where she gives only the hottest of takes on Steph Curry’s career. HOT GIRL LOVES SPORTS! Not a cliché at all! The hosts of Sports Nation conduct a series of tests for the men in the ESPN studio. First they practice their touchdown dances with a rose. They’re all equally as embarrassing and I wish to revisit none of them. Then they play dizzy bat but instead of chugging a beer, they have to propose to JoJo. Remind me to never suggest this as a party game. Chad is like hey marry me, ho and then calls her naggy. Good combo. In the press conference portion, the bruhs are asked serious questions about marriage and JoJo. James Taylor obviously sings his answer. (DOES HE EVER NOT SING?!) Everyone calls Chad out for being a doucheroni and he defends himself by being completely honest and saying he wants to get to know JoJo before he says he loves her. Then fires back at the gang for never seeing a beautiful girl before. Truthbomb city. The hosts wearing basketball sneaks with suits pick the top three in descending order: Alex, Chad, and James Tay as the numero uno. Chad thinks the rest of the guys here are a bunch of sissy wieners.

At the hang afterward, James Tay creeps all up in JoJo. He tells her, “a smile is the only thing that you can see on the outside that comes from the inside.” What? As if that wasn’t confusing enough, he then reads aloud a note that basically just lists his interests? I don’t know. JoJo tears up for some reason, which leads me to believe she’s practicing her acting for future career moves because in no way would someone saying they sometimes like chick flicks make a bitch cry. Regardless, they kiss and James ends up with a rose. So apparently his constant singing only annoys me? Whatever.

In other group date hang news, Alex sits in a giant chair you find at Cape Cod beaches, further highlighting his midget status. And Chad talks about how hard he works, not allowing him to have a relationship. Yeah okay, Chad. THAT’S why you’re single. Then he tells JoJo that he inherited a dog from his mom and JoJo was like omgg are you and your mom close? INHERITED, JOJO. AKA she has passed. It only happened about six months ago and that seems like a red flag that he was casj about it. They make out and JoJo feels better about Chad acting like a dick all day because he opened up to her.

Cocktail Party

This is when Chad really starts to derail, and by derail I mean turn into me when I attend a party with free food. But first, he greets JoJo at the limo to tell her that he worked out that day and avoided all of the other brosephs in the house. JoJo is all about that bad boy life so she eats this shit right up. He gives her a smooch and she says thank you.

Then the rest of the guys do the thing I hate the most on Bachelor(ette)….they gang up on Chad for getting more time with JoJo. It’s embarrassing and pathetic that they’re attacking someone for being more strategic than them and it makes me want to like Chad. I guess I’m into bad boyz too. While they’re scolding him for talking to JoJo, Chad goes IN on a meat stick and I respect tha hell out of this tactic. He then fills plate after plate of lunchmeats and wangz, savagely tossing them down his throat while everyone else judges real hard.

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Where’s the fat shaming during the Bachelor? Have we ever even seen the women eat or does their diet consist solely of white wine while they’re filming? DOUBLE STANDARD. After Chad feels satisfied with his pre-bedtime snack of meats, he cuts lil Alex off so he can tell JoJo how much he likes her. And then, just to prove that he can, he doubles back and does it again to ED guy. To be clear, cutting in on ED guy is a walk in the park. This guy is such a lamewad with his stupid hair and weird job that I’m wondering how he’s still kicking on this show. Chad could’ve given him a noogie while he was stealing JoJo and I probably would’ve cheered him on from my couch. Realistically all he needed to do was get Daniel in there to poke Evan’s belly button and it would’ve been game over.

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Either way, by the end of last night’s episode I loved Chad a lot. It helps that he gave us quotes like: “Shes’s gonna keep Alex around because she doesn’t want America to think she hates short people.” Hey Chad’s just telling it like it is and packing on the protein. Haters gonn’ hate, Alex’s gonn’ be short.

Roses: Wells, Derek, James Taylor, Alex, Christian, Robby, Luke, Chase, Jordan, Grant, Ali, Daniel, James F., Nick, Vinny, Evan, Chad

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