Television

Emmys 2017 Recap

I used to do a recap for every awards show ever…in fact I think I had to physically stop myself from watching and recapping the Kids Choice Awards. That was where I drew the line, apparently. It was a very fine line. I recapped funny things that happened, or I would critique how the host did UNTIL Trump was elected and Hollywood decided that every awards show should be their personal political platform. It’s cool guys, you have your opinions and you want to share them when everyone is watching, it’s whatever. The problem HOWEVER is that for someone who doesn’t follow politics (this guy) awards shows have officially become over my head. Their jokes, their jabs, the over-exaggerated bits–everything flies over this dum dum dome, and therefore HOW CAN I RECAP A SHOW I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND?! So to my true hardcore fans–I apologize for the lack of content. I genuinely don’t think awards shows are funny anymore because I’m not in on the joke. That being said, I’ve picked 5 things about the Emmys that WERE entertaining, JIC you also tuned out after the first five minutes of a song saturated by political commentary.

1. The Only Trump Joke I Laughed At. Obviously every late night host has perfected their Trump impression and Stephen Colbert hosting was a precursor to a whole lot of political nuances that I was prepared to zone out for. But then he read this tweet:

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And panned to Seth spitting up marbles. I actually burst out laughing. It’s the simple things that get me, really. What a great bit. Colin Jost’s casj straight face really hits it home.

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2. Anna Chlumsky is the new Taylor Swift.

I’ve never seen a more overdramatic over-reactor since Taylor Swift owned the audience cam at every awards show ever. Anna puts asses in the seats when it comes to facial expressions. Half the time I didn’t even know something was supposed to create emotions until I looked to her face for guidance. She was shocked, she sobbed for no reason during an acceptance speech & she pulled a full range of weird faces while onstage during Veep’s acceptance, just trying to find the right one. Do 1000% less, Anna.

3a. RIGHT ON THE KISSER.

I missed this happening live and was so happy that it was on twitter within minutes. God Bless Twitter. HOW can you possibly kiss your co-star like that right in Keith’s grill piece? That’s some cold shit, Kidman. Like I get that you guys had a real, shall we say, intimate acting experience together–but like NOT a good look to make out on live TV. If I were Keith I would’ve popped him right smack in the middle of that stupid ‘stache he’s rocking. My friend and I sat there with baited breath through Nicole’s acceptance speech to see if she would even thank Keith because obviously we were convinced just from that kiss that she’s having an affair. Cheating is bad but like maybe Nicole sleeping with her costar is what Keith needs to clean up that hairstyle that he’s had since 1997. It’s such a horrific mom cut and it does not belong on his head. Just saying. This could be beneficial for all. BTW she did gush over her hubs and called him “my Keith” so I guess she wins back points for that. BUT I HAVE MY EYE ON THE SITUATION.

3b. Nicole hates Reese.

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Big Little Lies was my draw to the Emmys this year. Each year I watch one thing that’s worthy of awards and BLL was my golden ticket this time around. So I was extra interested every time they were on screen, especially because they made such a giant deal about all being women and how GROUNDBREAKING it is that women are lead roles in Hollywood, which I feel like has been going on for some time, but whatevs. I knew that they all couldn’t be besties like they kept blabbing on about so I waited for the weak moment and I didn’t really need to search hard for it. Nicole was up against Reese for lead actress in a mini-series and when she won, she kissed that husband of hers (at least it wasn’t Alex this time) and bolted up to the stage at lightning speed. Reese was sitting DIRECTLY BEHIND HER. All it would’ve taken was a quarter turn and fake butt-out hug but she didn’t even give her that. BURN CITY, Population: Reese Witherspoon. Then she starts her speech with  “Reese, I share this with you.” Do you though? And then proceeded to have a 15 minute speech that the DJ didn’t DARE play off. Suddenly Nicole Kidman is a power player? What is going on here.

4. The Pearsons are REAL.

I may be biased because Sterling K Brown delivered my favorite speech from last year’s Emmys but I also feel like he deserves a shout out because they played him off the minute he opened his mouth last night–yet let Nicole Kidman talk for an hour and a half. AND THAT AIN’T RIGHT. Before they literally cut the camera away because he kept talking over the music (KEEP PLAYING, BITCHES) he thanked his This is Us family “You are the best white TV family that a brother has ever had.” That just warms my heart. THEY’RE A REAL FAMILY, YOU GUYS.

5. Oprah.

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I don’t know if I just haven’t been paying attention lately now that Oprah is off TV, just living somewhere soaking in her riches from the OWN network, but girl has dropped an ENTIRE PERSON in weight. She’s got some sassy dark frames and she looked like a real babe soda last night. CBS knew it too. They plopped her front row center so that everyone had no choice but to admire the O. Even John Oliver thanked her in his speech because “she’s sitting right in front of me and it seems inappropriate not to.” Everyone bow down to Skinny Ope. PS White is NOT slimming so it’s even ballsier for her to wear that whoutfit and still look SAP.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/11/16

1. Bruh. Delete your Twitter. As if the Taylor/Calvin breakup wasn’t annoying enough, someone whispered into the wind that Tay actually wrote “This is What We Came For”-Calvin and RiRi’s smash summer hit under the pseudonym “Nils Sjoberg” (because that’s a normal name to come up with on the fly) and wanted to keep it a secret so as not to steal any spotlight from her then beau. Well spotlight has been ripped because the deed is done and instead of accepting that, Calvin took to twitter like a 9th grade girl scorned and writing a scathing away message to tell us all just what he thinks about that.

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When you’re surrounded by a team of people paid to make you look good at all times, at what point do they just change your twitter password and rip your phone from your hands? Calvin. Shhhh. You’re coming off really stupid right now. If you had left it at the first tweet everyone would’ve been like aw , that’s nice and carried on with their days. Instead you went on a whiny rant and dragged Katy Perry into the mix. Supes unnecessary. Meanwhile, Taylor’s busy cashing in on a very public romance tour with a guy who definitely isn’t as hot as you…and you won’t shut your yapper about it. Now that I’m done scolding Calv, I think it would be an ideal time to share with everyone that I’m now a Hiddleswift truther after reading two very convincing Buzzfeeds that their relationship is actually all part of a performance art piece ala Lemonade to drop in September. If you too would like to see the light of this hideously obnoxious music video in the making, click here for part one and here for part two. You may now go in peace to ignore all future movements by Hiddleswift and kick back for the main event in a few months.

2. Stop guessing if women are pregs just because we ate a big lunch. 

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If we are to believe that Taylor is purposefully flaunting all the stages of a relationship to send everyone a message to stop being so up in her shit about her love life, AND WE ARE, let’s add to the list that generally speaking the media should crawl out of the female vagina as a whole. What I’m referring to of course, is Jennifer Aniston’s essay as a result of someone trying to guess if she is pregnant for the 1 zillionth time. Spoiler alert: she’s not, and she’d like to have a little water weight without there being a twitter poll on what she’ll be naming her baby. And you know what? PREACH, GRL. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been photographed frolicking on the beach in St. Barts and my friends are calling me non-stop to see why they had to find out from Star Magazine that I was expecting. JK. Or am I? No but seriously one time I posed in front of the Christmas tree in a form-fitting sweater with my hands in front of my stomach and my mom’s friend asked if I was pregnant. SO THE HURT IS REAL. Not only was it presumptuous to assume that I was getting some, but also IT WAS CHRISTMAS COOKIE SEASON. I had a belly full of cutouts and green frosting and that seems pretty obvious. But I digress, and applaud Jen for finally telling everyone to STFU, in an extremely classy and well-written way, like she should’ve done roughly 10 years ago. Read the complete post HERE!

3. Watch this with the lights down low.

Seriously at this point you understand that my crush on JJ Decker just by herself, and then Eric Decker just by himself and then the two of them as a couple is pretty overwhelming. Well, then they lay this shit on me?! Oh, let’s just frolic and make out and toss each other around like we do on any other Monday night at home! I think I actually drooled a little bit while watching this and I couldn’t even tell you who I was focusing on, because it doesn’t matter. They’re both gorge.

4.Elle Woods 4Ever.

Legally Blonde turned 15 years old this week so Reese Witherspoon showed us all she’s still got it with a bend and snap and also by trying on all of the movie’s original costumes that of course still fit her. She’s 40. What a babe. That pink golf hat should be burned at the stake though.

“I’m able to recall hundreds of important details at the drop of a hat” 👙💖🎀 #LegallyBlonde15

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Seriously. 😂💖 #LegallyBlonde15

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5. Emmy Noms Takeaway.

Browse very long list right hurrrrrrr.

I always get excited when shows I watched are nominated for Emmy’s because it proves to me that not everything I watch is t-rash. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that Lip Sync Battle probably doesn’t belong on that list for “Outstanding Structured Reality Show”. Structured? Rly? Anyway, other highlights include UnReal and Constance Zimmer getting some recognition for being a boss bitch #moneydickpower. The People vs. OJ Simpson getting a lot of love (Sarah Paulson for the W) but like, did they toss David Schwimmer in there so he wouldn’t feel left out because his portrayal of Ross portraying Robert Kardashian was lolworthy. Even if he did spark a supercut of “Juice” that could basically be the theme song for this weekly installment. Making a Murderer squeezed in (props to me for jumping on that binge bandwagon) and Amy Schumer was of course littered throughout for her comedy specials and Inside Amy, because it is the year of her. Beyonce even got a little somethin somethin for Lemonade…further convincing me that I need to see that. Then I remember I have to buy it and say hmm better not. And those are my REAL educated overall gut reactions to the nomz. YA WELCOME.

BONUS: Blake is still kiLLin it.

Most useless bodyguard ever.

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#CafeSociety movie premiere!!!! See ya at the movies tomorrow! 🎞❤️📽❤️🎞

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Pop Culture, Uncategorized

BoooooOOOOoooooKs!

 

For some of you it might come as a surprise that I’m actually an avid reader. I like to keep everyone on their toes and show them that I’m a little more than reality TV and celebrity gossip. Just kitten, I mostly read the literary version of dirty rom-com trash BUT every once and a while (usually each summer) I buckle down and try on a new book that everyone is buzzing about. I mostly do this so that I always have a more respectable title to throw out when someone asks me what I’ve been reading than “Dirty Thoughts: A Mechanics of Love Novel.” As it turns out, my reading list from this summer/fall shined a spotlight on female authors, so I will be giving you a chick lit rundown of must-reads. Feel free to lower your expectations for highbrow reading, as there’s only so much you can expect from a girl whose only bookmarks look like this:

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1. Girl on the Train- Paula Hawkins.

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This was my one adult-level read this past summer and I immediately forced several people around me to read it so I could relive it through them. It’s a mystery told in several different perspectives to keep the plot twist hard to guess until the end. The main narrator, Rachel, is a sloppy alcoholic who becomes fascinated with a couple in a nice neighborhood that she watches from the train every day on her commute. Then the woman she watches from the train suddenly disappears and Rachel tries to involve herself in the investigation. This book is a page-turner but also made me want to punch the main character in the face. She’s a hot mess express and you often are not on her side, which makes you question every piece of information she’s giving you. Also fun fact: it will be made into a movie. FTR you’ll see me write that after almost every book I review, because Hollywood is unoriginal and authors rule the world. (Also pretty sure 50% of this list was picked up by Reese Witherspoon’s production company. LADIES R00L THE WORLD.)

 

2. Who Do You Love- Jennifer Wiener.

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I learned about this book because Jennifer Wiener is actually a die-hard Bachelor(ette) fan and often live tweets things far funnier than I could ever write in my recaps. The good news is that she’s actually a very talented writer unlike those on the set of ABC’s moneymaker reality show. This is a classic love story about Rachel and Andy who meet by chance when they’re children and then how their lives intersect through out the years as they grow up and make terrible decisions and how they always seem to find their way back to each other. It’s kind of sad and also a lot poetic about how each choice we make in our lives have consequences and how to find the right path in the end. I honestly think that’s the smartest and least sarcastic sentence I’ve ever written on The Salty Ju.

 

3. Luckiest Girl Alive- Jessica Knoll.

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In a post Gone Girl world, every author is itching to release the next crazy-ass female driven story. Welp, this is it. Obviously it was outright compared to Gone Girl, giving it a little more clout and intrigue, but this book might have been more F’ed up than Gone Girl. Sure, Amy Dunne was the biggest psycho on this earth, but the twist in this story actually gave me nightmares the night after I read it. I ripped through the first half of the book, refusing to put it down until I saw the creepy secret past, then had terrifying dreams influenced by it, then finished the book as soon as I woke up in the morning. So yes, it’s vividly disturbing, but also clearly it was written well if I read it in less than 12 hours. Ani is an editor at a top fashion magazine and about to marry a WASPy finance guy, so she’s basically living the dream except for the fact that her past keeps sneaking up to haunt her perfect life. *To be made into a movie, obv. Unfortunately, the pictures in my mind of this book were graphic enough, so I really don’t ever need to see them played out on the big screen, especially with our country’s current state of gun violence. (Baby spoiler)

 

4. Why Not Me- Mindy Kaling.

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For those who like a good series of funny stories and anecdotes from comedians, this is Mindy’s newest installment and just as good as her first (Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me-And Other Concerns.) If you’re not a fan of Mindy’s candid tone and tendency to talk like a high schooler, this book is not for you. The book includes stories about her dating life, her weird AF relationship with BJ Novak, what a typical day looks like for her (which I found fascinating as a TV junkie) and even the speech she gave at Harvard Law School. What’s cool about Mindy is that everyone fixates on her being Indian and not stick skinny and she addresses both in this book by saying hey assholes I’m being myself and we don’t need to draw attention to these factors every day.

 

5. The Royal We- Heather Cocks & Jessica Morgan.

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This was a book I’ve been hearing about since the beginning of summer but when I finally cracked it open a week or two ago, I was not expecting an anthology. Save this read for a long week’s vacation or possibly an excuse to stay away from your family during the holidays. Written by the creators of Go Fug Yourself, it’s an American spin on the fascination all us commoners have with the Royals. Bex is a twin from Iowa who decides to do a semester at Oxford and happens to live in the same dorm as the heir to the crown, you know, literally every American girl’s dream when they study abroad in England. The story, told in 5 parts from Bex’s perspective, tells their love story and dramas from the very beginning all the way to the royal wedding. It’s fun because Bex is a tomboy who loves baseball, drinking, and not washing her hair and she snags a hot prince. Also it is loosely based on Will & Kate’s love story, with a slutty royal brother that strikes many resemblances to Prince Harry. It was announced recently that this will be made into movie magic, of course and Lauren Graham & Mae Whitman have already signed on. For those of you who have experienced the cinematic magic that is The Duff, you’ll understand why Mae is the perfect actress for this character.

 

Bonus: Wallbanger- Alice Clayton.

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I’m sneaking this one on the list…it’s neither new nor a classy read by any means (the cover gives that away…don’t read in public without a book sock.) However, it’s one of my favorite books of all time and I would feel wrong not including it on a list of glowing recommendations. Caroline moves into a new apt and her hottie neighbor Simon invites a new chick over every night to bang one out, which would be fine except that their bedrooms share a wall and therefore she’s hearing a lot of sex and not participating in any of it. They hate each other and exchange some words until their separate groups of friends end up hanging out and suddenly they’re all a squad and everyone starts pairing off. Told from Caroline’s point of view it’s hilarious and well-written with sneak peeks of sexy times, AKA a book about sex with an actual story (I’m looking at you 50 Shades…) Even better news if you love the first, there’s 2 more books in the series.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/7/15

1. JT & JFall are back togets. I begged and I pleaded and finally JT’s manager read the Salty Ju and was all ok let’s give the people what they want and so explains the reunion on The Tonight Show Wednesday night AS WELL AS causing a ruckus at the US Open. The bros are back in town and it’s like they’ve never left me. Kicked the celebration off with another History of Rap–capitalizing on my favorites Bone Thugz N Harmony and Remix to Ignition. Later, the three of us were giggling together doing awkward fist bumps and just reminiscing on ole times. Like when JT drank coffee out of a mug with Jimmy’s face on it. I couldn’t make it to that night’s slumber party, obviously. Then they whipped up a quick Fallon cocktail with Sauza ‘squila, naturally, plus a side of Justin’s over the top Fallon impression. JT judged a lip sync competition where Ellen joined in on the debauchery and lawls. And finally the boys went on a date to the US Open where they showed off their Single Ladies routine. Please feel free to watch or re-watch all parts below with a silly grin plastered to your face like I just did. Supes normz. I will say it over and over again until it finally happens, these two need to host an awards show together stat, including red carpet commentary. Let’s replace garbage with pure humor and boyish charm. I will draft a letter to Hollywood to request such immediately.

2. Another model baby arrived for the Deckers just in time for football season. Last weekend Jessie James Decker popped out another beautiful infant and proudly showed off baby Eric Thomas Decker to gently remind the world that her and hubby Eric Sr. are gorge (even pre and post a child murdering her vag) and they only produce attractive offspring.

❤️

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I love this picture of my Erics having skin to skin time

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If you're a proud big sister raise your hand!

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Eric's first flight ✈️

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When Viv got to meet her lil bro for the first time

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3. Life Size 2 is a real thing according to Tyra “Kiss My Fat Ass” Banks.

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Ty-Ty has revealed that Disney has been working on a sequel script for this trashcan movie starring her and Lindsay Lohan for far too long. They want to make it perf and are hoping for a Christmas 2016 release. Listen, I love “Be A Star” as much as the next Eve fan, but let’s stop being ridiculous with the sequels. What is going to happen in a movie made 15 years after the original? Is tomboy Casey going to bring her barbie doll come-to-life Eve to rush a sorority at college with her? Eve will get in because of her killer fashion sense and ability to spend the whole night dancing and Casey will probably be bullied by Delta Delta Sigma Betches. Did I just write the script for you, Disney? Mail me a check. (Seriously, I could use that cash.)

4. Reese Witherspoon made a baby by herself.

I say this, because there is absolutely no way that any of Ryan Phillippe’s genes ended up in their oldest child Ava. She is Reese 2.0 and it is giving me the scaries. Just a few more years and Ava & Reese will be hitting the bars and telling guys that they’re twins. Hopefully they’ll have their stories straight on what their shared birthday is, unlike my sister and I who tell strangers we’re twins whilst inebriated and then each say our own birthday when inevitably someone doubts us. Be better than us, Reese.

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5. Timeflies Tayday.

This past Tuesday the boys of Timeflies tackled some Emmy-winning T.Swizzle and it would be wrong of me not to include the 1989 cover in my weekly roundup. (Especially since Taylor Part 1 was featured on my Top Notch Timeflies Tuesday blog) Feel free to get loose to it this weekend–I know I will as I move for the 100th time in the past three years.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/25/15

1. 90’s Reunions are all the rage. The hussies of Cruel Intentions did a little girls night out to see the musical version of said movie and Sarah Michelle Gellar & Selma Blair got reacquainted with each other’s mouths. In more PG reunions, sitcom pals Jodie Sweetin, Christine Lakin and Beverly Mitchell (Stephanie Tanner, Al Lambert & Lucy Camden) had brunch and didn’t make out with each other. Oh, 90’s nostalgia. Gets me every time. Side note: We can all agree that Cruel Intentions is one of those movies that if it’s on TV we stop everything to watch, right? Just so disturbingly good.

Oh it's happening!!! #CruelIntentions …..the later years. @reesewitherspoon @therealselmablair #CruelIntentions

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2. Jason Derulo has a new album full of bangers on bangerz. I put one of his new hits on last week’s JUice but then he threw us for a loop this week by putting his full album out for preview and I haven’t stopped playing it on repeat. Whatever J creates turns to gold. Guy hasn’t made one single song I hate in the past like 3 years. Do your ears a favor and give Everything is 4 a listen.

Full Album Here

3. CMT Music Awards to be hosted by Erin Andrews & Brittany Snow.

LAS VEGAS, NV - MAY 18:  Singer Nicki Minaj attends the 2014 Billboard Music Awards at the MGM Grand Garden Arena on May 18, 2014 in Las Vegas, Nevada.  (Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images)

What? Pick two more random people to host an awards show for country music. This will most certainly be a trainwreck. Tune in June 10th at 8P to see it all transpire, because you KNOW I will and it will be blogged.

4. I can eat more pizza than Beyonce. Queen B is hammin it up in Florence, dabbling in some pizza and gelato and when she posted this picture of half a pizza, my face immediately broke into a shit-eating grin. I’m finally better than Beyonce at something.

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Not only did I crush a whole pizza in Florence, I did it on the REG. I may not be a superstar billionaire queen, but I can PUT AWAY A PIZZA. Respect THAT. Bow down bitches. #CleanPlateClub PS: Did Bey get a heart-shaped pizza? Answer: NO.

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5. Prince Farming and his Milkmaid are headed to Splitsville instead of Podunk, IA. 

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This is last on the list for obvious reasons. A mere months after Chris dum dum Soules picked Whitney because she was the only one who agreed to move to Iowa, they’re dunzo. Color me shocked. Although now that the show is over, can we cut the shit with Chris being a “full time farmer” in Arlington? Bro just did The Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars B2B. Something tells me he’s not flying back to Iowa every night to tend to his cows. The schtick is up. He lives in LA and he’s about to become a career reality TV star. Put it in the books.

BONUS for getting through this short week: Zac Efron and his biceps went hiking in Hawaii this past Memorial Day. Lick.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 5/18/15

It was a slow week, my apologies, but since I didn’t post one last week because it was the funeral of my 23rd year, I didn’t want to leave ya’ll hanging 2 weeks in a row.

1. Dancing is cool. Sia and her wig head are super weird but whether you are a fan of her music or not this was cool as shit. For someone who walks into the wall pretty much on a daily basis it was baffling to see what skilled coordination looks like.

2. Reese Witherspoon to play Tink in live action Peter Pan. In a world where every Disney movie is reincarnated onstage, animated and live action for extra dough…this is the next in the lineup. Anyway, Reese Witherspoon is already a tiny whimsical blonde so I can’t see anyone more fit for this part.

3. This dress is the stuff. I make a point to never post about Kardashians for obvious reasons but this is a Jenner, so, loophole. There’s a reason she’s the supermodel of the family, her dress in Cannes is my favorite thing I’ve seen this week and Kendall looks like a dime in it.

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4. Red Nose Day and all celebs are BFFs who laugh about how rich they are. Apparently there was an actual Red Nose Day special on NBC last night, which I didn’t catch but this was making the rounds this morning and it’s not even that funny but my fave celeb couple is in it and so is Zac Efron sooo….duh.

5. New jams of all genres to take you into MDW. Please bump these whilst nomming on wieners and tossing back bud lattes cause Merica (and Nick Jonas’ muscles…and Luke Bryan’s dance moves…and Jason Derulo’s everything.)

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