JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/18/17

1. Dave Grohl.

I’m gonna be honest, when Peyton and Brooke wrote Dave Grohl on the hot guys list on her closet door, I was like meh, seems like such a Peyton “I’m a brooding emo rocker” thing to do, I don’t really see it. And then I see him do an interview or watch a live performance and I’m like YUP. I get it.

One Tree Hill Character Quotes

In kind of related but not really news, I gave two weeks notice at my job, which has landed me in the sweet spot that everyone must find themselves in at some point where you have two weeks of kind of pointless time at your job. You’re finishing things up but not really starting something new, because why start something new when you’ll just have to hand it off anyway. And thus, I found myself putting my feet up and watching this lengthy carpool karaoke on full screen while at work. Sorry not sorry. Whatever, it was a good one. I mean seriously, how often do you hear of someone having their broken ankle/leg held in place so he can finish out a concert? Baller status.

2. Audrina pulls an Audrina.

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So apparently Audrina and Australian Corey are getting a divorce BUT the real JUice lies in the fact that she also has a restraining order against him. They have a baby and got married a few months after she was born but it’s now coming out that he’s been abusive for essentially their whole 10 year on and off relashe. Not to make light of abuse because it is certainly not funny, but while reading an article on People covering the news, Audrina LITERALLY quotes that she thought having a baby and getting married would make him better. Insert thinking face emoji x a billion. Also again, not to add fuel to the fire, but as a devout Hills fan who watched Justin Bobby LITERALLY make out with a hideous red head right in Audrina’s grillpiece and then have her continue to date him for a few more years….yiiiiiiikes.

3. NIALL ❤

Even though I once declared that Zayn won the post-1D solo act, I’m willing to go back on my word and admit I was wrong. It’s like all Niall needed was to get his braces off and he’s full blown man now. All of his solo hits have been ah-mah-zing and he’s just so mature and soulful now. Between the old man scally cap that he casually wears to pints with his mates and the straight on-camera stare at the end, I was like whoa, Niall is here to stay.

4. BTS Pile full of Tays.

Remember when this video came out and I was genuinely like, I studied film and still don’t understand how she did this pile and made it look so realistic? Yeah, well I wish I didn’t learn. Because it made it 100% less cool. Come on Taylor, leave a little mystery there. Also, you don’t need to make yourself more relatable by acting awkward. We know you’re awkward, gurl. Let us enjoy LWYMMD for what it is…you clapping back and looking like a real badass dime. DON’T RUIN IT.

5. Full House of Lies.

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It’s the 30th anniversary of the premiere of Full House, expertly coinciding with the release of their third Netflix season of their hot garbage revival, Fuller House, and therefore the entire cast is raping the press this week trying to get more views so they can keep making unfunny television that sullies the Full House reputation. Regardless of all that… Jodie Sweetin just admitted via some interview that she’s never seen a full episode of Full House and I CALL BULLSHIT. I mean COME ON-you were on the show for how many years and now there’s a full revival of it?! How ridiculous is that to not have been able to fit in one single 20 minute episode in the past 30 years. And I love her bullshit Hollywood excuse of, oh we don’t have cable. SO?! YOU WERE IN THE ACTUAL SHOW. Bets are you got a DVD set at some point! This whole thing just enrages me and I’m wondering if I’m just taking out my disappointment in Fuller House on Steph because she said something stupid. Could be, but I WON’T TAKE IT BACK.

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Music

LWYMMD Best F Off Moments

I never thought I’d have a reason to thank the VMA’s but instead of teasing this very clear only reason to watch that awards show full of preteen bholes until the last five minutes, MTV/TAY gave the people what they wanted right off the bat. This masterpiece music video premiered within the first hour of the show and allowed me to check out for the remainder because it’s obvious that’s all that matters (it’s also obvious that I don’t turn to MTV for my politics and current events news.) Anywho, I could probably watch this music video every day this week and find something new every time, but in the spirit of riding comeback Taylor’s coattails, here are the top five fuck ALL THE WAY off moments from a RIDICULOUS music video.

 

5. Bathing in Diamonds

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You know what would be cool? Being rich enough to LITERALLY bathe in diamonds. It’s even cooler getting to bathe in diamonds & money just for F’s sake and looking like a babe while doing it. Definitely never thought I’d be down with the red claws on TSwizz until I saw it surrounded by riches and matching her lip perfectly. Now I’m all in.

4. Birdcage Swangin in Thigh High Boots.

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Orange isn’t my favorite color but can’t pass over the shots of dis sly bitch just swinging around a birdcage wearing boots that lace up to her nipples. Can I make a music video just for the wardrobe? It’s like the best game of dress up a girl could dream of. There is literally no point to this scene other than just looking cool AF and hangin loose from the top of a birdcage big enough for a pterodactyl.

3. Latex Clonemaster.

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Domanatrix-cloning-Taylor can GET. IT. I didn’t think all of the sultry looks from the Blank Space video could be topped but then angsty T killed Blank Space Taylor and was like I can look even hawter. Oh all her Squad looks exactly alike (cough cough excluding Lena cough) well guess Tay just has to slap on a lil latex and say something about that. To be clear, what she said was “look at my rockin bod.”

2. The Opposite of Awkward Dancing.

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No one can ever call her awards seat dancing awkward ever again. Once you lead a pack of gays in a little thigh slapping and dropping it down low in fishnets, you seal the deal for professional dancer in my book. This entire dance sequence was impressive as shit. H8ers say she stole it from Beyonce, I say since when did Beyonce invent a dance posse in the flying V? Ducks fly together, Yonce. And this ain’t no Darryn’s Dance Grooves.

1. A Sea of Taylors; Dead.

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This was without a doubt the COOLEST part of this video. Taylor is known for her over the top music video/live performance personas and she freaking STOOD ATOP A PILE OF THEM CLAWING THEIR WAY TO SURVIVE. I studied video production in college (humble brag, I have a degree in TV) and even I have no clue how this scene was created but it is BOMBBBBB.

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Piggybacking off of the mountain of music video Taylor’s is this spectacular end skit where Taylor calls out all her own bullshit. Playing the victim, getting mad about being called bitch, the surprise face, the fake niceness (and country accent), being excluded from this narrative. BRAVA, TAY, BRAVAAAAA!

PS: Could’ve done without the immediate nightmares though.

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JUice, Music

Weekly JUice: Taylor Swift Edition

Week of 8/21/17: The Week Badd Bitch Taylor Swift Rose from the Dead

Everyone who is anyone knows I brought The Salty Ju out of a boring celebrity summer retirement for Tay’s new music BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY I’VE ONLY BEEN PATIENTLY WAITING 3 YEARS FOR THIS SHIT.

Why don’t we break it down piece by piece since there’s CLEARLY nothing else going on in celeb news lately (cough cough nice try with your garbage swish swish music video, Katy Perry.)

1. Snake.  Everyone sounded the alarms last week when Tay cleared all social media. Rumbles were heard that she was gearing up for an announcement and I sat back and girded my loins. It was the 3 year anniversary of her announcing 1989 in typical over the top fashion and I kept quiet about it but I was ready. This week, on her creepy, no picture social media, she releases a cryptic terrifying snake video three days in a row. What eclipse? It’s Taylor’s new music week AND WE ALL MUST DISSECT THIS 3 SECOND SOUNDLESS VID.

Obvious assumption: girl’s about to CLAP BACK at Kim and Kanye because as you’ll recall they decided to come after her about approving the lyric calling her a bitch in “Famous” by posting a sketchy phone call on snap chat with a bunch of snake emojis. She didn’t want to be included in that narrative at the time but I GUESS SHE DOES NOW because that narrative will make her some coin. Other theories included her going after Katy Perry but like if Taylor is low enough to respond to someone who clearly used their dumbass old feud to publicize her shitty new album and tour then I refuse to respect this new music. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll listen to the shit out of it, but I WILL NOT respect it if she’s still entertaining jabs at someone who clearly sucks at life and makes an offensively bad beef song called Swish, Swish.

2. Reputation. And on the THIRD day, Tay gave us an album cover, title and release date. And I was like WE HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NOVEMBER FOR THIS SHIT?! Seriously. 1989 came out when I lived in Boston. THAT WAS A LIFETIME AGO. My 1989 review was the first blog I published. Don’t you guys feel like you’ve been reading The Salty Ju FOR-EV-ER now?! THEN…I realize that Tay is going all 8th grade angst punk rock. She’s got the slicked hair/dark lips, the Good Charlotte font and the Ashlee Simpson throwback album cover. WHOA. Was not expecting that from her. Curveball, Tay. Don’t get her angry you little snakes or she’ll go emo.

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But I digress. I got ready for this single, with hopes soaring high that it would be good enough to hold me over until NO-VEM-BER. Basically I just assumed Taylor in full-on angst mode would be several variations of “I Know Places.” Which was BOMB. (Spoiler alert: definitely nothing like hunters and foxes.)

3. Look What You Made Me Do. I went to bed at 9:43PM last night and set an alarm for midnight so I wouldn’t miss this release. I would say that’s dedication but it’s actually just embarrassing. Just a year ago I was able to stay up for the release of JT’s comeback single (if we count writing a banger for an animated movie about Trolls a comeback) and now I’m too old to stay up past 10 without an alarm. I shame myself so you don’t have to. Turns out she released it at 11:30 like a real dick and I could’ve just stayed awake for it. Either way, here are my immediate first impressions upon a listen at 12:01 AM in my bed as I scrambled to open Spotify on my laptop:

Oh ok, we’re doing theater music with those fairy dust opening piano bars without words. Aaaand just kidding now I’m terrified. YIKES this is creepy. And THEN to top it all off, we get talking Tay, as she tends to do to amp up the drama:

“I’m sorry, the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now.”

“Why?”

“Oh ’cause she’s dead!”

OH SHITTTTtTTTTTtTtTTT

So yeah. First listen was a rollercoaster of emotions (most of them hate). But you know what? It’s just Tay being Tay. And I’m here for it. Obviously Taylor Swift is dramatic AF and acts like a G-D thirteen year old, which really caters to her preteen fans but like if you expected anything less at this point then you’re wrong. She’s going to capitalize on every feud/breakup, act like the victim, then write a sassy tell all song about it and that’s a fact, Jack. Get on board or get off of this planet. H8ers will be bumping this by next week.

4.  Fan Reactions that made me LoL.

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LoLoL swifties.

5. Video Sneak Peek. IT’S SENSORY OVERLOAD. Single drops last night, teasers of the music video this morning on GMA, which will be premiered in full at that trash ass awards show that MTV still allows themselves to air every year. Do I want to endure the VMA’s with Katy Perry as host? Absolutely not. Will I do it to see that video? YOU BETCHA. Here is the badd bitch in all her claw havin’ snake glory:

So we’re really pushing with the snake theme, huh? Also OF COURSE Todrick would be front and center in this sassy dance posse lineup. Anyway, if this video is ANYTHING like the Blank Space vid and it looks like it is, then YES.

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