Week of 8/21/17: The Week Badd Bitch Taylor Swift Rose from the Dead

Everyone who is anyone knows I brought The Salty Ju out of a boring celebrity summer retirement for Tay’s new music BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY I’VE ONLY BEEN PATIENTLY WAITING 3 YEARS FOR THIS SHIT.

Why don’t we break it down piece by piece since there’s CLEARLY nothing else going on in celeb news lately (cough cough nice try with your garbage swish swish music video, Katy Perry.)

1. Snake.  Everyone sounded the alarms last week when Tay cleared all social media. Rumbles were heard that she was gearing up for an announcement and I sat back and girded my loins. It was the 3 year anniversary of her announcing 1989 in typical over the top fashion and I kept quiet about it but I was ready. This week, on her creepy, no picture social media, she releases a cryptic terrifying snake video three days in a row. What eclipse? It’s Taylor’s new music week AND WE ALL MUST DISSECT THIS 3 SECOND SOUNDLESS VID.

Obvious assumption: girl’s about to CLAP BACK at Kim and Kanye because as you’ll recall they decided to come after her about approving the lyric calling her a bitch in “Famous” by posting a sketchy phone call on snap chat with a bunch of snake emojis. She didn’t want to be included in that narrative at the time but I GUESS SHE DOES NOW because that narrative will make her some coin. Other theories included her going after Katy Perry but like if Taylor is low enough to respond to someone who clearly used their dumbass old feud to publicize her shitty new album and tour then I refuse to respect this new music. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll listen to the shit out of it, but I WILL NOT respect it if she’s still entertaining jabs at someone who clearly sucks at life and makes an offensively bad beef song called Swish, Swish.

2. Reputation. And on the THIRD day, Tay gave us an album cover, title and release date. And I was like WE HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NOVEMBER FOR THIS SHIT?! Seriously. 1989 came out when I lived in Boston. THAT WAS A LIFETIME AGO. My 1989 review was the first blog I published. Don’t you guys feel like you’ve been reading The Salty Ju FOR-EV-ER now?! THEN…I realize that Tay is going all 8th grade angst punk rock. She’s got the slicked hair/dark lips, the Good Charlotte font and the Ashlee Simpson throwback album cover. WHOA. Was not expecting that from her. Curveball, Tay. Don’t get her angry you little snakes or she’ll go emo.

But I digress. I got ready for this single, with hopes soaring high that it would be good enough to hold me over until NO-VEM-BER. Basically I just assumed Taylor in full-on angst mode would be several variations of “I Know Places.” Which was BOMB. (Spoiler alert: definitely nothing like hunters and foxes.)

3. Look What You Made Me Do. I went to bed at 9:43PM last night and set an alarm for midnight so I wouldn’t miss this release. I would say that’s dedication but it’s actually just embarrassing. Just a year ago I was able to stay up for the release of JT’s comeback single (if we count writing a banger for an animated movie about Trolls a comeback) and now I’m too old to stay up past 10 without an alarm. I shame myself so you don’t have to. Turns out she released it at 11:30 like a real dick and I could’ve just stayed awake for it. Either way, here are my immediate first impressions upon a listen at 12:01 AM in my bed as I scrambled to open Spotify on my laptop:

Oh ok, we’re doing theater music with those fairy dust opening piano bars without words. Aaaand just kidding now I’m terrified. YIKES this is creepy. And THEN to top it all off, we get talking Tay, as she tends to do to amp up the drama:

“I’m sorry, the old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now.”

“Why?”

“Oh ’cause she’s dead!”

OH SHITTTTtTTTTTtTtTTT

So yeah. First listen was a rollercoaster of emotions (most of them hate). But you know what? It’s just Tay being Tay. And I’m here for it. Obviously Taylor Swift is dramatic AF and acts like a G-D thirteen year old, which really caters to her preteen fans but like if you expected anything less at this point then you’re wrong. She’s going to capitalize on every feud/breakup, act like the victim, then write a sassy tell all song about it and that’s a fact, Jack. Get on board or get off of this planet. H8ers will be bumping this by next week.

4.  Fan Reactions that made me LoL.

LoLoL swifties.

5. Video Sneak Peek. IT’S SENSORY OVERLOAD. Single drops last night, teasers of the music video this morning on GMA, which will be premiered in full at that trash ass awards show that MTV still allows themselves to air every year. Do I want to endure the VMA’s with Katy Perry as host? Absolutely not. Will I do it to see that video? YOU BETCHA. Here is the badd bitch in all her claw havin’ snake glory:

So we’re really pushing with the snake theme, huh? Also OF COURSE Todrick would be front and center in this sassy dance posse lineup. Anyway, if this video is ANYTHING like the Blank Space vid and it looks like it is, then YES.