JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/11/16

1. Bruh. Delete your Twitter. As if the Taylor/Calvin breakup wasn’t annoying enough, someone whispered into the wind that Tay actually wrote “This is What We Came For”-Calvin and RiRi’s smash summer hit under the pseudonym “Nils Sjoberg” (because that’s a normal name to come up with on the fly) and wanted to keep it a secret so as not to steal any spotlight from her then beau. Well spotlight has been ripped because the deed is done and instead of accepting that, Calvin took to twitter like a 9th grade girl scorned and writing a scathing away message to tell us all just what he thinks about that.

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When you’re surrounded by a team of people paid to make you look good at all times, at what point do they just change your twitter password and rip your phone from your hands? Calvin. Shhhh. You’re coming off really stupid right now. If you had left it at the first tweet everyone would’ve been like aw , that’s nice and carried on with their days. Instead you went on a whiny rant and dragged Katy Perry into the mix. Supes unnecessary. Meanwhile, Taylor’s busy cashing in on a very public romance tour with a guy who definitely isn’t as hot as you…and you won’t shut your yapperΒ about it. Now that I’m done scolding Calv, I think it would be an ideal time to share with everyone that I’m now a Hiddleswift truther after reading two very convincing Buzzfeeds that their relationship is actually all part of a performance art piece ala Lemonade to drop in September. If you too would like to see the light of this hideously obnoxious music video in the making, click here for part one and here for part two. You may now go in peace to ignore all future movements by Hiddleswift and kick back for the main event in a few months.

2.Β Stop guessing if women are pregs just because we ate a big lunch.Β 

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If we are to believe that Taylor is purposefully flaunting all the stages of a relationship to send everyone a message to stop being so up in her shit about her love life, AND WE ARE, let’s add to the list that generally speaking the media should crawl out of the female vagina as a whole. What I’m referring to of course, is Jennifer Aniston’s essay as a result of someone trying to guess if she is pregnant for the 1 zillionth time. Spoiler alert: she’s not, and she’d like to have a little water weight without there being a twitter poll on what she’ll be naming her baby. And you know what? PREACH, GRL. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been photographed frolicking on the beach in St. Barts and my friends are calling me non-stop to see why they had to find out from Star Magazine that I was expecting. JK. Or am I? No but seriously one time I posed in front of the Christmas tree in a form-fitting sweater with my hands in front of my stomach and my mom’s friend asked if I was pregnant. SO THE HURT IS REAL. Not only was it presumptuous to assume that I was getting some, but also IT WAS CHRISTMAS COOKIE SEASON. I had a belly full of cutouts and green frosting and that seems pretty obvious. But I digress, and applaud Jen for finally telling everyone to STFU, in an extremely classy and well-written way, like she should’ve done roughly 10 years ago. Read the complete post HERE!

3. Watch this with the lights down low.

Seriously at this point you understand that my crush on JJ Decker just by herself, and then Eric Decker just by himself and then the two of them as a couple is pretty overwhelming. Well, then they lay this shit on me?! Oh, let’s just frolic and make out and toss each other around like we do on any other Monday night at home! I think I actually drooled a little bit while watching this and I couldn’t even tell you who I was focusing on, because it doesn’t matter. They’re both gorge.

4.Elle Woods 4Ever.

Legally Blonde turned 15 years old this week so Reese Witherspoon showed us all she’s still got it with a bend and snap and also by trying on all of the movie’s original costumes that of course still fit her. She’s 40. What a babe. That pink golf hat should be burned at the stake though.

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Seriously. πŸ˜‚πŸ’– #LegallyBlonde15

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5. Emmy Noms Takeaway.

Browse very long list right hurrrrrrr.

I always get excited when shows I watched are nominated for Emmy’s because it proves to me that not everything I watch is t-rash. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that Lip Sync Battle probably doesn’t belong on that list for “Outstanding Structured Reality Show”. Structured? Rly? Anyway, other highlights include UnReal and Constance Zimmer getting some recognition for being a boss bitch #moneydickpower. The People vs. OJ Simpson getting a lot of love (Sarah Paulson for the W) but like, did they toss David Schwimmer in there so he wouldn’t feel left out because his portrayal of Ross portraying Robert Kardashian was lolworthy. Even if he did spark a supercut of “Juice”Β that could basically be the theme song for this weekly installment. Making a Murderer squeezed in (props to me for jumping on that binge bandwagon) and Amy Schumer was of course littered throughout for her comedy specials and Inside Amy, because it is the year of her. Beyonce even got a little somethin somethin for Lemonade…further convincing me that I need to see that. Then I remember I have to buy it and say hmm better not. And those are my REAL educated overall gut reactions to the nomz. YA WELCOME.

BONUS: Blake is still kiLLin it.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/13/16

1. Everyone’s all up on Taylor’s Jock AGAIN.

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Honestly, People.com FIND YOUR CHILL. These screenshots were all from the day that news broke of Tay smooching Tom Hiddleston and it was downright embarrassing that they covered their website with these headlines.In a much more laid back way than People, I’d like to offer up the opinion that this is a weird rebound choice, tbh. Also Calvin deleting insta pics and unfollowing Tay on Twitter is a liiiiiiitttle high school and kind of defeats the “a relationship ended and what’s left is mutual love and respect” tweet post-breakup. Still doesn’t mean we need 15 stories dedicated to dissecting it. Jus sayin.

2. This is better than The Notebook rain scene.

Damn, Nick! This was hawt. At first I was like k, why is this B writhing in a bed and crying. Seemed pretty dramats for a song about not banging someone. Then they bang in a luxury rich people shower. And when I say bang, I mean he banged the diamond necklace right off of her. Fist bump. Say bang again.

3. Mila & Ashton Baby it up round 2.

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There should probs be a Hollywood law that you can’t procreate again until we’ve seen the first one. Seriously, what’s with all the privacy people? Tay pecks someone and it spews into 15 different stories but we can’t even get one peek at your baby? (cough cough Gosling cough) Anyway congratszzzz guys, I’m sure it will be cute af with a bizarro name. Editors Note: I used the google and actually found some pics of lil Wyatt which makes my whole blurb on this a moo point (cow’s opinion) but I’m too lazy to retype it. She’s adorbs, of course.

4. Could these two be cuter?

The answer is no, of course not. SUH CAYUTE. While we’re at it with posting insta’s from the Buckster, he’s really been on fire this week closing it off with this nostalgic gem:

 

5. I’m going through Chad withdrawals.

There was no Bachelorette this week and therefore, no Chad. So while I ordinarily don’t include bach news on the JUice (unless it’s an inevitable break up that I predicted, lookin at you Chris Soules) I needed to include this for a good laugh. This is Chad watching himself for the first time on the show and enjoying it just as much as I did. What a performance he gave us this season. Only 3 more days until we see his grand finale. Can’t w8. Side note: If you need humor today as much as I do, check out his entire instagram. It’s gold.

Bonus:

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#TheBachelorette re-voiced by kids.

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