JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/30/17

1. Every week is Taylor week.

It’s such an obnoxious move on her part to release something new every single week until this album drops and I’ll be the first to say I’m getting a little annoyed. Just drop the damn album all at once if you’re going to release every single song week by week. But anyway, I’m down with this little love song. Cause in case you didn’t hear, Taylor’s in love. And she doesn’t need to flaunt it around. Unless she’s writing a song about it. Or like, doing very public dates with Tom Hiddleston (which I still think was all bullshit but that’s neither here nor there.) Anyway, she’s real up front about being chill as hell now: “All the liars are calling me one
Nobody’s heard from me for months
I’m doing better than I ever was, ’cause”

CAUSE SHE’S IN LOOOOOOOOVE.

So… if ya’ll are keeping track, I’m pro: Look what you made me do, Ready for it & Call it what you want. I’m NO: Gorgeous. Next week all this nonsense is over and we’ll have the full album, so you best be expecting a track by track (of the four songs we haven’t heard yet) recap and that seems prettttyyy obvious.

2. Selenas back on that Biebs grind.

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Never to be upstaged by TayTay, Selena has created a whirlwind of press for herself this week, which can only mean something is on the horizon. Her and the Weeknd are dunzo (he unfollowed her and her whole fam on Instagram…so it’s official) and all of the sudden it’s 2013 again and Selena’s back on that Bieber D. Are they actually getting back together? Probz not. Are they flaunting their hangouts T.Hiddleswift style for publicity? Most definitely.  They went to church, rode bikes around town, she’s wearing his jersey. I mean come on. All I’m saying is stay woke on the Jelena reunion.

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3. Lion King.

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This casually drops the other night and it’s a LOADED cast. It’s good to know that one thing we can all agree on is that Mufasa will be NONE other than James Earl Jones. It’s cool to toss this photo out there for buzz and all but like could we get a little more info? Is this a broadway play? Are they just voicing a new animation? What’s the deal here, Lion King? I need to know if I’m going to be outraged or not. Is it another one of those stupid things where they play the movie and these actors dub over the voices live? I NEED ANSWERS.

4. BB Boy Decker.

Baby Decker number 3 is a ….

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Since I watch their reality show and stalk them on social media, I’m personally a part of the Decker family, and this is big news. Viv is PISSED to get another brother. She tried to deflect by making it seem like she was concerned for the balloons but there was no hiding that look of disappointment on her little mug. Guess they’ll just have to go for 4 and hope it evens out. (Shouldn’t be an issue considering how much these two bone and how quickly she gets knocked up.)

5. Lady Liberty is down!

This is only funny because we know that Wendy is AOK and was back to tossin out HOW YOU DOOOOINNN’s after a quick commercial break. I’ve watched this video no less than 100 times and that’s not a normal faint. That’s an “I’ve seen some stuff” look on her face and I will not accept any other theory besides there was a ghost in her audience. That costume doesn’t look that hot, just sayin. I’ll be the truther here and wait for the real story. Until then, I’ll keep watching and laughing out loud. PS – if you like people in costume eating shit videos as much as I do, here’s one of my faves. Go crazy.

 

BONUS:

Ya boy Chan filled in for Jimmy Kimmel this week and we got to see why we love him so much. Let his smooth moves and goofy ass humor take you into the weekend.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/11/16

1. Bruh. Delete your Twitter. As if the Taylor/Calvin breakup wasn’t annoying enough, someone whispered into the wind that Tay actually wrote “This is What We Came For”-Calvin and RiRi’s smash summer hit under the pseudonym “Nils Sjoberg” (because that’s a normal name to come up with on the fly) and wanted to keep it a secret so as not to steal any spotlight from her then beau. Well spotlight has been ripped because the deed is done and instead of accepting that, Calvin took to twitter like a 9th grade girl scorned and writing a scathing away message to tell us all just what he thinks about that.

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When you’re surrounded by a team of people paid to make you look good at all times, at what point do they just change your twitter password and rip your phone from your hands? Calvin. Shhhh. You’re coming off really stupid right now. If you had left it at the first tweet everyone would’ve been like aw , that’s nice and carried on with their days. Instead you went on a whiny rant and dragged Katy Perry into the mix. Supes unnecessary. Meanwhile, Taylor’s busy cashing in on a very public romance tour with a guy who definitely isn’t as hot as you…and you won’t shut your yapper about it. Now that I’m done scolding Calv, I think it would be an ideal time to share with everyone that I’m now a Hiddleswift truther after reading two very convincing Buzzfeeds that their relationship is actually all part of a performance art piece ala Lemonade to drop in September. If you too would like to see the light of this hideously obnoxious music video in the making, click here for part one and here for part two. You may now go in peace to ignore all future movements by Hiddleswift and kick back for the main event in a few months.

2. Stop guessing if women are pregs just because we ate a big lunch. 

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If we are to believe that Taylor is purposefully flaunting all the stages of a relationship to send everyone a message to stop being so up in her shit about her love life, AND WE ARE, let’s add to the list that generally speaking the media should crawl out of the female vagina as a whole. What I’m referring to of course, is Jennifer Aniston’s essay as a result of someone trying to guess if she is pregnant for the 1 zillionth time. Spoiler alert: she’s not, and she’d like to have a little water weight without there being a twitter poll on what she’ll be naming her baby. And you know what? PREACH, GRL. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been photographed frolicking on the beach in St. Barts and my friends are calling me non-stop to see why they had to find out from Star Magazine that I was expecting. JK. Or am I? No but seriously one time I posed in front of the Christmas tree in a form-fitting sweater with my hands in front of my stomach and my mom’s friend asked if I was pregnant. SO THE HURT IS REAL. Not only was it presumptuous to assume that I was getting some, but also IT WAS CHRISTMAS COOKIE SEASON. I had a belly full of cutouts and green frosting and that seems pretty obvious. But I digress, and applaud Jen for finally telling everyone to STFU, in an extremely classy and well-written way, like she should’ve done roughly 10 years ago. Read the complete post HERE!

3. Watch this with the lights down low.

Seriously at this point you understand that my crush on JJ Decker just by herself, and then Eric Decker just by himself and then the two of them as a couple is pretty overwhelming. Well, then they lay this shit on me?! Oh, let’s just frolic and make out and toss each other around like we do on any other Monday night at home! I think I actually drooled a little bit while watching this and I couldn’t even tell you who I was focusing on, because it doesn’t matter. They’re both gorge.

4.Elle Woods 4Ever.

Legally Blonde turned 15 years old this week so Reese Witherspoon showed us all she’s still got it with a bend and snap and also by trying on all of the movie’s original costumes that of course still fit her. She’s 40. What a babe. That pink golf hat should be burned at the stake though.

“I’m able to recall hundreds of important details at the drop of a hat” 👙💖🎀 #LegallyBlonde15

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Seriously. 😂💖 #LegallyBlonde15

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5. Emmy Noms Takeaway.

Browse very long list right hurrrrrrr.

I always get excited when shows I watched are nominated for Emmy’s because it proves to me that not everything I watch is t-rash. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that Lip Sync Battle probably doesn’t belong on that list for “Outstanding Structured Reality Show”. Structured? Rly? Anyway, other highlights include UnReal and Constance Zimmer getting some recognition for being a boss bitch #moneydickpower. The People vs. OJ Simpson getting a lot of love (Sarah Paulson for the W) but like, did they toss David Schwimmer in there so he wouldn’t feel left out because his portrayal of Ross portraying Robert Kardashian was lolworthy. Even if he did spark a supercut of “Juice” that could basically be the theme song for this weekly installment. Making a Murderer squeezed in (props to me for jumping on that binge bandwagon) and Amy Schumer was of course littered throughout for her comedy specials and Inside Amy, because it is the year of her. Beyonce even got a little somethin somethin for Lemonade…further convincing me that I need to see that. Then I remember I have to buy it and say hmm better not. And those are my REAL educated overall gut reactions to the nomz. YA WELCOME.

BONUS: Blake is still kiLLin it.

Most useless bodyguard ever.

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#CafeSociety movie premiere!!!! See ya at the movies tomorrow! 🎞❤️📽❤️🎞

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Pop Culture, Television

Tim Riggins for the NFL

5 Reasons Why Riggins Would Be the Best Player in the League

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It’s football season again and every year when social media turns into fantasy picks and game commentary, I have a sudden urge to restart Friday Night Lights because I would rather watch Riggins get hammered and tackle the shit out of some high school players than watch real life professional players in our country’s most beloved sport. But whatever, I think choosing FNL over football makes me more patriotic. If Riggs were in the NFL I would probably play closer attention and here’s why I think he would be GREAT as a professional footballer (dare I say, even better than Tom Brady?) It’s a good thing I don’t live in Boston anymore…

PS for the sake of selling the best version of Riggs, we’re gonna go ahead and gloss right over his criminal history.

1. Parties hard, plays hard. There is rarely a time when Riggins is not holding a beer, or fiercely hungover and yet he’s one of the finest athletes on the Dillon Panthers. Could his drinking habits at the age of 17 be seen as alcoholism? Possibly. But Riggs is more of a get home from a long hard day and crack a beer kind of guy rather than funneling before school every morning, so it’s more fun, less debilitating. There’s a lot of guys in the NFL who blow money on booze and drugs to celebrate their cool life, but a lot of them also end up in rehab or fired, Riggs has it under control. He suits up on game day and then hits Smittys or The Landing Strip with the boys to wind down. Even the rally girls know what’s good when they hand him a six pack as a pre-game ritual, instead of baked goods.

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2. Loyal to his home state. Tim Riggins IS Texas. All he wants for his life is a piece of land and a good bar to rest his head. Professional athletes get traded or offered a bigger salary to change teams but Riggs would never leave Texas and let down his fans (cough, cough Lebron). Say it with me now…Texas Forever.

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3. Charismatic. Look, Tim’s not the sharpest tool in the shed…I guess that’s what tends to happen when you have rally girls do your homework and you take Wednesdays off from school. What he lacks in book smarts (The Scarlett Letter), he makes up for in personality. Riggs is the life of the party and a true entertainer. He could use a little work on his stand up material–i.e. “How about Saracen sleeping with the Coach’s daugher?”–but you can’t tell me that he wouldn’t be riveting in post-game interviews or team press conferences. He wouldn’t show up just so he didn’t get fined…he would put on a show. Can you name anyone else who would tell the school that he’s pregnant and needs a couple of days to relax so he can flip a house with his buddies? Bonus points for creativity.

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4. Not a Narc. As a captain of the Dillon Panthers, Riggins was a natural leader. He knew how to motivate his teammates on the field, but also how to get them laid—I’m lookin at you JD. Part of being a team player is not pointing the finger when someone sucks. I think Riggins learned a little bit about that when he oh so casually went to prison for Billy. What a rough time for Tim and his usually luscious locks…but just goes to show how he would rather be locked up than rat on someone, if there were to be say, I don’t know, a cheating scandal in the NFL.

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5. Mentor. Under that rough around the edges, boozy playboy exterior is a real heart of gold. Riggins is good with kids and acted as a big brother to that little shit Bo who lived next door. He taught him how to defend himself and how to play football, making him a shoe-in for training camps and charity work in the NFL. Tim also helped out with demon child Gracie Bell when he lived with the Taylors and any interaction with that creature deserves a gold medal. After doing time, he was Uncle Riggs to baby Stevie and it just melted my icy cold heart.

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*BONUS* Have you seen him? I get that the NFL is not a modeling agency but it doesn’t hurt, right Eric Decker? I never thought I could be attracted to a man with hair the same length as mine until I laid eyes on Tim Riggins. His flowing lettuce and perfect smile reel in the ladies and I think he would do just fine in sponsorships and product endorsements. Not to mention the bad boy appeal. No more Tom Brady for Uggs…it should be Tim Riggins for Stetson–shirt very optional.

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So whatdya say, NFL? Let’s make some memories with Tim Riggins. No regrets.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 9/7/15

1. JT & JFall are back togets. I begged and I pleaded and finally JT’s manager read the Salty Ju and was all ok let’s give the people what they want and so explains the reunion on The Tonight Show Wednesday night AS WELL AS causing a ruckus at the US Open. The bros are back in town and it’s like they’ve never left me. Kicked the celebration off with another History of Rap–capitalizing on my favorites Bone Thugz N Harmony and Remix to Ignition. Later, the three of us were giggling together doing awkward fist bumps and just reminiscing on ole times. Like when JT drank coffee out of a mug with Jimmy’s face on it. I couldn’t make it to that night’s slumber party, obviously. Then they whipped up a quick Fallon cocktail with Sauza ‘squila, naturally, plus a side of Justin’s over the top Fallon impression. JT judged a lip sync competition where Ellen joined in on the debauchery and lawls. And finally the boys went on a date to the US Open where they showed off their Single Ladies routine. Please feel free to watch or re-watch all parts below with a silly grin plastered to your face like I just did. Supes normz. I will say it over and over again until it finally happens, these two need to host an awards show together stat, including red carpet commentary. Let’s replace garbage with pure humor and boyish charm. I will draft a letter to Hollywood to request such immediately.

2. Another model baby arrived for the Deckers just in time for football season. Last weekend Jessie James Decker popped out another beautiful infant and proudly showed off baby Eric Thomas Decker to gently remind the world that her and hubby Eric Sr. are gorge (even pre and post a child murdering her vag) and they only produce attractive offspring.

❤️

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I love this picture of my Erics having skin to skin time

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If you're a proud big sister raise your hand!

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Eric's first flight ✈️

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When Viv got to meet her lil bro for the first time

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3. Life Size 2 is a real thing according to Tyra “Kiss My Fat Ass” Banks.

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Ty-Ty has revealed that Disney has been working on a sequel script for this trashcan movie starring her and Lindsay Lohan for far too long. They want to make it perf and are hoping for a Christmas 2016 release. Listen, I love “Be A Star” as much as the next Eve fan, but let’s stop being ridiculous with the sequels. What is going to happen in a movie made 15 years after the original? Is tomboy Casey going to bring her barbie doll come-to-life Eve to rush a sorority at college with her? Eve will get in because of her killer fashion sense and ability to spend the whole night dancing and Casey will probably be bullied by Delta Delta Sigma Betches. Did I just write the script for you, Disney? Mail me a check. (Seriously, I could use that cash.)

4. Reese Witherspoon made a baby by herself.

I say this, because there is absolutely no way that any of Ryan Phillippe’s genes ended up in their oldest child Ava. She is Reese 2.0 and it is giving me the scaries. Just a few more years and Ava & Reese will be hitting the bars and telling guys that they’re twins. Hopefully they’ll have their stories straight on what their shared birthday is, unlike my sister and I who tell strangers we’re twins whilst inebriated and then each say our own birthday when inevitably someone doubts us. Be better than us, Reese.

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5. Timeflies Tayday.

This past Tuesday the boys of Timeflies tackled some Emmy-winning T.Swizzle and it would be wrong of me not to include the 1989 cover in my weekly roundup. (Especially since Taylor Part 1 was featured on my Top Notch Timeflies Tuesday blog) Feel free to get loose to it this weekend–I know I will as I move for the 100th time in the past three years.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

1. Aaron Carter is so OVER Hil Duff. Having included the saga of AC and Hil in previous blogs, I felt it was my duty to update you all that their love story has come to an abrupt ending…you know 7+ years later. Apparently Hil must’ve made a few comments about AC in her Cosmo interview (I’m assuming she was like he’s a real loser and I was like 17 when I dated him UPDATE: she said him tweeting her was ridiculous) regardless, Double A took to his twitter–I’m surprised he even had time to speak on the matter because he’s touring right now performing his greatest hits at small bars across middle America…

So I guess even though he’s aggressively spouted on social media about how Hilary is the love of his life and he’ll never forget her…HE’S SO OVER IT NOW. It’s all about the chase. Be more of a tease, bruh. Hilary is probably really upset about it. Jk she’s all:

2. Jessie James & Eric Decker made another beautiful human. I mean, come onnnn. One model baby was enough and now she’s not even a year old yet and they’re pumping out the next. Clearly the Deckers are on track to create a super human pack of future models. Obv announced the news with a perfect family bikini pic, nbd but HBD.

Vivianne is so excited because she is going to be a big sister! We are over the moon about having another baby!!! 🍼

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3. Jared Leto chopped dem ombre locks and then bleached them. The envy of Jared’s beautiful ombre waves has come to a screeching halt because he has sliced them for his upcoming role as The Joker in the Suicide Squad. As if that wasn’t  emosh enough for women across the country, he also bleached it like a day later. ONE STEP AT A TIME JARED. I was just coming to terms with the short and then you go ahead and bleach it too? I can’t get on board with this. See transformation from luscious to puke below. RIP, gone too soon.

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4. Toy Story 4 will be a rom-com. Apparently according to the Prezzy of Pixar, Toy Story 4 will not be a continuation of Toy Story 3 (GOOD because they all almost died in an incinerator and made me question my existence if I was crying over toys being melted.) but it will be a LOVE story. So many questions, so little answers, will Buzz find true love with a lady astronaut?! I NEED MORE DEETS PLS. The movie comes out in 2017 so this has no relevancy to today but whatevs…hopefully it includes Andy who, if I did my math correctly should be about my age which no longer makes it creepy to think cartoon Andy is kind of a smoke show. What? It’s still creepy? Whatever, nerds. (Also I’ll only consider him if he outgrew that Bieber hair that he was rocking pre-college. I have standards, ya know.)

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5. Seth Meyers explains Teen Slang. Here’s your funny clip of the week, also educational (I know it was for me.) Youths these days talk like a bunch of morons and here’s Seth breaking it down for everyone so that you can also feel hip and on fleek. To be clear if I ever utter the sentence “Shoe game on fleek” I would like someone to punch me square in the teeth holder.

Enjoy your weekend everyone, hopefully no one makes any groupsie daisies!

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Pop Culture

Ten Best Celebrity Couples

Since Valentine’s Day was Saturday, I thought it would be an appropriate time to list all of the celebrity couples that I would’ve liked to be a third wheel with for the holiday of Looooove. Here’s the ten best celeb couples (in no particular order) who are going to make it the long haul…according to me. (If you’re reading this months or weeks from now and any or all of these couples have broken up please do not blame me. I’m still reeling from the dissolution of Nick and Jessica. It’ll be too much to handle if I’m also a curse.)

John Krasinski & Emily Blunt.

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I have a REAL difficult time separating John Krasinski from Jim Halpert and I think many Office fans can agree, which basically means that John must be the most romantic and adorable husband alive. The best part is that Emily Blunt is a sassy Brit instead of a meek little deer in the headlights like Pam was, so this relationship is EVEN better. They prank Jimmy Kimmel together every year, they crushed the ALS ice bucket challenge and they never take Hollywood too seriously.

Years Together: 7 (Married in 2010)

Beyonce & Jay-Z.

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There cannot be a top celeb couples list without the Queen & King themselves. They’re outrageously rich and spend like 90% of their time just F-ing around on yachts with baby royalty Blue Ivy. I respect the hell out of their lavish lifestyles because they deliver some sick beats, and most recently the coolest married couple concert ever. Only Bey & Jay can get away with recording a song about the two of them banging constantly and make the term “Surfbordt” popular. Also no one should ever be caught saying bad things about these two, because Illuminati.

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Years Together: 11 (Married in 2008)

Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner.

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Ben and Jen are easily the most normal Hollywood couple ever. They’re more likely to be seen taking their kids to school or going to a soccer game in sneakers and jeans than doing stupid frivolous celeb things. They’re not all in yo face when they’re at awards shows together and Jen even let it slide when Ben won a bunch of awards for Argo and said that their marriage was work cause he got nervsies. Cool, calm and all about the fam.

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Years Together: 11 (Married in 2005)

Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds.

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Have you seen these two? I have unrealistic high hopes that their baby will be the most beautiful baby on this earth, should they ever show her or reveal her name. Also I have a bigger crush on Blake than I do on Ryan, judge me, I dare you. Although it certainly helps Ryan’s charisma that he recently called Blake a human Denny’s because she’s breakfast lunch and dinner for their daughter. He’s quick to add that she’s the most beautiful Denny’s you’ve ever seen. Swooooon.

Years Together: 4 (Married in 2012)

Eric Decker & Jessie James Decker.

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I first learned about these two when they got a reality TV show on E! and I loved them immediately but was also SUUUPER nervsies that they would catch the reality show curse of Newlyweds. They’ve got a little bit of the Nick & Jessica dynamic because Jessie’s the goofy crazy one and Eric calms her down and puts up with her antics, but I’m pleased to report that their marriage is still intact and they recently had the most adorbs baby ever. I don’t even like babies and I’m obsessed with this one so that’s saying a lot. Please feel free to drool over their family photos like I do on a regular basis.

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In case you missed it and need some inspiration for your #babyitschristmas fan video submission!

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Years Together: 4 (Married in 2013)

Emma Stone & Andrew Garfield.

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These two crazy kids have a nice way of staying mostly private but still letting everyone know that they’re in love and are fun and stuff. Emma made an appearance when Andrew hosted SNL and they did a goofy kissing skit together. They’re known for photobombing and using their paparazzi shots to promote good causes. Also this just gives me an excuse to post Emma Stone’s lip sync battle on Fallon, which was epic. When Fallon had Andrew on after that he pointed out that they should’ve never given Emma a mic because she got real serious with it, real quick. The couple that lip syncs at home together, stays together.

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Years Together: 4

Chrissy Teigen & John Legend.

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I’m starting to see a trend here with the outspoken crazy girl and the other half that calms her down and I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. Anyway Chrissy is a supermodel who also has a pottymouth, isn’t afraid to look like an idiot and creates twitter wars with her haters. John is a classy 9-time Grammy-winning singer/songwriter piano playing extraordinaire. They met on the set of one of his music videos. They found love in a hopeless place. Just kitten, but seriously all you need to do is watch the music video for “All of Me” and your heart will be all kinds of melting. Chrissy also pretty frequently screenshots her texts with John where she basically just trolls him, which is always good for a laugh. Bonus Points: When she had an ugly crying face after seeing John perform at the Globes she handled it real well. By making fun of herself.

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Years Together: 8 (Married in 2013)

David & Victoria Beckham.

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Ah, British royalty. Becks was the sex-tastic futbol player, Victoria was Posh Spice. It was the 90’s and everything was magical. Becks fell in love with Posh’s ability to never look like she’s having an ounce of fun and the rest is history. They invaded America finally and we all haven’t been the same since. They also created a crop of future models with their four kids that have been high fashion since they were in diapers. Harper’s toddler top knot at fashion week for all the awards.

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Years Together: 18 (Married in 1999)

Channing Tatum & Jenna Dewan-Tatum.

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They met on the set of Step Up, arguably one of the best dance movies of all time and couldn’t deny the chemistry of their dirty dancing. They got married and Channing rewarded every woman in America with Magic Mike and his “Pony” striptease. And Jenna was like yeah bitches, that’s my husband and he used to be a stripper. Then they had a kid and Jenna supported Channing putting on the lbs and coined it “fappy” (Fat+Happy) Channing. Just recently they were snapped having a dance-off after the Golden Globes proving to be the best thing to come out of Step Up, and yes that was a direct dig to Step up 2-100.

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Years Together: 10 (Married in 2009)

Kristen Bell & Dax Shepard. 

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Kristen and Dax are goobers.They’ve been doing a series of ads for Samsung for about a year now and call me a sucker but how they are in these commercials is exactly how I assume they interact at home. I eat that shit right up. They’ve always been all about sharing funny stories and being open about their relationship on talk shows and a few years ago Dax surprised Kristen with a sloth on her 31st birthday and she was so happy that she hysterically cried about it. Always the good husband, Dax filmed it all for our viewing pleasure. (See clip below) Plus after second baby Delta was born, Dax described Kristen’s C Section in the most romantic of ways, “After seeing this autopsy, I would rather see a school bus drive out of her vagina.” So he’s almost as much of a wordsmith as Ryan Reynolds comparing Blake’s breast-feeding to a diner chain.

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Years Together: 8 (Married in 2013)

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