“I want a rose so bad that I would pull my own tooth for one.”

You’ll have to excuse me if I seem extra snarky this week but I sat for two hours last night on a bed I was basically sticking to due to my 1000 degree apartment, just to watch an episode that began and ended with a cliffhanger and the in between was some behind-the-door moans. Anyway, in the continuous episode that is this season, we pick up mid-rant with Kaitlyn and our buddy Ian who is number 5 (?) in the crew of “I’m here to become famous” contest-icles. Kaitlyn takes in all that Ian has to say with silence and a few “oh, you serious” sass faces as he basically tells her he was looking for a vulnerable girl to prey on. Ian defends himself though by saying, “you asked us to be honest, sooo you basically gave me permission to verbally assault you.” Deuces, Ian. All aboard the douche-caravan. His parting words were, “I’m being punished for being intellectual,” and I can only assume that Kelsey from last season caught wind of this and immediately asked Ian to be a part of her amazing story full of large vocabulary words.

Before Kaitlyn can shed any tears, it’s Nick to the rescue! He wraps her up in a big slobber hug and the rest is incoherent because I’m not even exaggerating when I say that I physically can’t understand a word he sssssaysssss. Then he takes a quick chomp on her finger…which isn’t flirting, Nick, it’s what I do with my sister’s dog when I want to pretend he’s attacking me. And lastly, Nick tells Kaitlyn, “you do not disappoint” as he pushes his boner against her hip. Shawn-us interruptus catches this all and runs away crying.

The Alamo- Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison tries to make the rose ceremony about him by not so slyly announcing this was his home state. Unfortunately, the rose ceremony is not about Chris OR bad hair because the two worst hairstyles are swiftly eliminated, as they should have been. All the awards in the world to the producers who probably told Joshua they didn’t have time to fix his terrible haircut for the rose ceremony, knowing his fate and making sure he looked his absolute worst for it. Golf clap. Hey Joshua, you look like a DOOOFUS!

Roses: Ben H., Nick, Shawn, Jared, Cupcake, JJ, Joe, BenZ, Tanner

Dublin, Ireland, One on One Date with Lispy

Next logical stop after The Alamo? Ireland, duh. Nick is picked for the one on one date and has 10 minutes to change from his grey boner pants to an even tighter pair of green boner pants. I start to get genuinely concerned that I won’t be able to recap this date because I can’t understand Nick, but my worries quickly fade when I see that there is essentially no talking, just rubbins. Kaitlyn flails around some pigeons, then Nick flails in a Irish step dancing performance and nearly rips his jeggings. The remaining activities consist of Nick trying to swallow Kaitlyn’s head in various public places in Dublin. According to Nick, their physical relationship is “rock ssssholid.”

Later, they grope in a church, truly rounding out the Irish date of soft-core porn. Nick whispers sweet nothings in Kaitlyn’s ear mostly along the lines of “I’m dying…you’re giving me blue balls, can we bone now…” you know, real romantic stuff. Kaitlyn is like ok here’s a rose because I think we’re still doing that TV show thing and now let’s get to the ‘tration.

Shawn and Jared gossip about Nick and are like fingers crossed she’s having a shitty time right now–meanwhile, Nick is slipping his digits up Kaitlyn’s skirt on her hotel couch. Then this show tapped right into my nightmares of the days when I had to listen to my roommate getting friendly with boys in our shared dorm room in college and the sloppy kissing sounds and awk foreplay when they forced us to watch a closed door and listen to Nick giving Kaitlyn multiples while he pet her hair and lapped at her mouth (probably.) Apparently when you go to poundtown on TV, you also keep your mic packs on. Showing them closing the door would have sufficed, THANKS. On the bright side, now I can add Kaitlyn’s moans to the list of things I never ever want to hear again for the rest of my life.

The following day, Nick takes the walk of shame with a shit-eating grin, sits down for story time with the boys and said they just talked. I overcompensated for how smart these jabronis are when I assumed they would immediately guess that he boinked her but apparently these morons have never heard of a girl and a guy TAALLLKKING. Nick basically did everything short of showing them the footage when he grinned and said it was intimate but no one caught on.

RIP Kaitlyn-Tanner, BenZ, Shawn, Jared, Ben H, Cupcake

Hear ye, hear ye, Kaitlyn is dead. She died from Nick giving her a rare strand of Chlamydia and the leftovers are attending her wake for a group date. If there were ever a point when I would give up on a TV show it would have been this exact point, but since I only watch it to make fun of it I hung in there. Chris Harrison admitting, however, that this was “a little” ridiculous almost caused me to launch at the TV. Oh really, Chris? Just a LITTLE? The boys gather around Kaitlyn lying in a coffin and give their eulogies. I wish that was a sentence that I made up, but alas it isn’t. Unfortunately for BenZ who actually lost his mom, death isn’t really a topic that’s all about LoL’s on TV for him. Gawd, Kaitlyn, read the room before you fake die. He gets super emosh about it and makes everyone clear the room.

Later, the boys take time to chat with Kaitlyn because whoever gets rosed spends the rest of the night with her and everyone else has to bizounce. Shawn shows her pictures of his family (d’awww), Jared calls Kaitlyn a beautiful corpse like the stupid creep that he is (and also brings up her old man laugh for the 10000th time) and yet his patchy ass beard on that punchworthy face of his still gets the rose. Shawn is sad panda about it. He shouldn’t be, because the reward for getting a rose is going to a cathedral for a personal concert by The Cranberries. Yes, you heard me correctly, the obscure Irish 90’s band whose most famous song is most definitely about a fart is who they chose as a prized performance. But for serious though, last season’s star power was Big & Rich and now The Cranberries? You would think a #1 rated show could lock down a musical guest from this decade, no? Obviously The Crans perform “Linger” because romance.

While Kaitlyn and Jared slow dance to an ode to flatulence, Shawn pulls a producer aside to strong-arm him for dirty deets on whose been in Kaitlyn’s bed. It turns out that the reason he needs to know so badly is because he also spent some bedroom time with Kaitlyn, except he was classy enough to do it OFF camera and he’d probably like to know if he should get tested. The producer told him it wouldn’t hurt to get a quick blood test and Shawn makes a surprise visit to confront Kaitlyn. Unfortunately, she leads him to sit down on the same couch that her and Nick exchanged fluids on mere hours before and Shawn left his black light kit at home. What will happen?! Will Shawn leave? Will Kaitlyn cry? Will Shawn get so angry at her that he rips his shirt off, picks her up and carries her to her room? Hey, a girl can dream. Anyway, we will not know any of these things ever…or until next week, whatever.

PS In case anyone cares (I certainly don’t), our weekly catch-up with the Hipster twins Britt & Brady contained a winter knit hat in the sunshine state and Britt’s mom declaring that Brady seems like a good buddy. In other words, Brady just got friend-zoned by Britt’s mom. Yikes.