Weekly JUice

Week of 6/22/15

1. SELENA GOMEZ, YOU LITTLE MINX, YOU. New song from SelGo that has been teased for weeks, even bestie Tay chimed in that it was her favorite thing Selena’s ever done (bold) and the music video dropped this morning wherein she writhes around on a floor, on the couch, in a chair and in the shower. Get it, girl. Show Biebs what he gave up. This is one of those rare things that I included for my male readers, which I believe I have 0.0 of. But whatevs, enjoy your boner jamz cause Selena just wants to look good for YOU.

2. Magic Mike, As Told By Children. In this skit, JFall and Channing act out Magic Mike as written by elementary school kids and it’s supes cute. Mostly because we all know the real story of Magic Mike and it’s not about aliens or fixing bike tires, it’s about Mike’s magic penis grinding all up on some ladiezzz to the sweet, sweet melody of Ginuwine.

3. Seth and Amy Boom, Roast a Twitter troll. A Sports Illustrated guy tweeted something this week about how women’s sports are boring so Seth & Amy brought back the SNL Weekend Update “Really?!” bit to dump all over him and his sexist tweets. As a former soccer player (1 season, kindergarten) I can’t speak for if it’s entertaining to watch but I will say that it is EXHAUSTING to run up and down that field. I quit before the pros started looking at me because it was too much running, not enough orange slices during timeouts. Props to our ladies for having the stamina to run around in the World Cup.

4. Bristol Palin is preggerz. I don’t pretend to know anything about politics but I’m pretty sure the Palin’s paraded around like hardcore Christians and lil miss Bristol is on baby #2, unwed. Whoopsies! The best part about this isn’t the fact that she’s pregnant but the way that she announced it with, and I quote “I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.” This is basically the equivalent of being like shiiiiiitttt, I got knocked up again, saarrryyyy guys. No news yet on if baby daddy is the guy she just called off her wedding with…but you can be sure I will report it when I find out. It’s ok guys, I know how to tackle the hard-hitting news.

5. T.Swizzle, CEO of the Music Industry.

As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, with just the tapping of a few keys, Tay brought Apple to it’s knees. (Unintentional but PRETTY POETIC rhyme right there.) Ok, so there was more to it than that but what’s really important here is that Apple was like hey we’re going to debut our new streaming service that completely copies Pandora and Spotify but it’s BETTER and we’re going to give everyone a 3 month trial fo freeeee, and Taylor was all Dear Apple, Ain’t nobody gettin my shit fo free and Apple was all, Dear Taylor, Ok. We’re sorry. Artists who don’t make billions from touring gave Ms. Swift a golf clap for repping the entire music industry and she just casually went back to playing with her cats.

Full Letter Here

Apple’s Response:

We hear you @taylorswift13 and indie artists. Love, Apple

— Eddy Cue (@cue) June 22, 2015

#AppleMusic will pay artist for streaming, even during customer’s free trial period

— Eddy Cue (@cue) June 22, 2015

Calvin Harris supporting his boo:

I just played a gig inside a giant owl and my girl just changed the entire music industry what a day

— Calvin Harris (@CalvinHarris) June 22, 2015

I hope that you also write a letter this weekend and change the world. Or just get drunk and play outside in the sun. Same thing.

Pop Culture

Drake Lyrics for Every Textual Situation

Drake is such a smooth sweater-wearin rapper that we’ve moved past the fact that he’s Canadian and got his start in the biz on the most ridiculous preteen soap ever to exist and have embraced him wholeheartedly. As an ode to all his greatness, Drake has like 1 billion apps dedicated to him but I’m here as a PSA to everyone with a smart phone that if you don’t have the Drizzy app, you’re not living life right. Drizzy is an additional keyboard (free) that provides you with an overwhelming number of Drake lyrics right at your fingertips. You may be thinking, when will I ever need to notify someone of, “Brunch with some Qatar royals and my cup is all oil,” but the lyrical stylings of Mr. Aubrey Drake Graham are actually more useful than you may think. Kick back and allow yourself to learn that there is a time and a place for a carefully chosen Drake lyric and it is always.

Your friend wants to go shopping:

You found out your boyfriend watched the new Game of Thrones episode without you while you were at work:

Single ladies, got a stage-five clinger texting you? No prob.

Mom wants to know why you’ve been ignoring her calls:

Your BFF snaps you a pre-going out pic asking for outfit advice:

(To be clear, this only works with a BFF who knows you’re not trying to go all les on her.)

Dad asks you to pay the cellphone bill:

Co-worker wants to make sure you’re ready for a big presentation with the boss tomorrow morning:

Sent your first rent check and it doesn’t bounce…GROUP TEXT, it’s time to throw down:

A friend won’t stop raving about her sketchy boyfriend she met on Tinder that you know is bad news bears:

Roommate asks if she can borrow something:

After you get back from vacay:

And for my grand finale…Mom checkin in on you:

FTR, I can’t think of one single scenario where it wouldn’t be acceptable to send this lyric. Please don’t actually send this to your mom unless she’s as cool as mine. I don’t want you getting in trouble or worse, cut off financially.

Bonus: Unwanted Booty Call response…

Seriously…that’s an actual lyric you can choose from. Do you even need any more convincing? Download Drizzy and keep those texts spicy!

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Don’t Have Sex, Because You Will Get Pregnant, and DIE.

“I want a rose so bad that I would pull my own tooth for one.”

You’ll have to excuse me if I seem extra snarky this week but I sat for two hours last night on a bed I was basically sticking to due to my 1000 degree apartment, just to watch an episode that began and ended with a cliffhanger and the in between was some behind-the-door moans. Anyway, in the continuous episode that is this season, we pick up mid-rant with Kaitlyn and our buddy Ian who is number 5 (?) in the crew of “I’m here to become famous” contest-icles. Kaitlyn takes in all that Ian has to say with silence and a few “oh, you serious” sass faces as he basically tells her he was looking for a vulnerable girl to prey on. Ian defends himself though by saying, “you asked us to be honest, sooo you basically gave me permission to verbally assault you.” Deuces, Ian. All aboard the douche-caravan. His parting words were, “I’m being punished for being intellectual,” and I can only assume that Kelsey from last season caught wind of this and immediately asked Ian to be a part of her amazing story full of large vocabulary words.

Before Kaitlyn can shed any tears, it’s Nick to the rescue! He wraps her up in a big slobber hug and the rest is incoherent because I’m not even exaggerating when I say that I physically can’t understand a word he sssssaysssss. Then he takes a quick chomp on her finger…which isn’t flirting, Nick, it’s what I do with my sister’s dog when I want to pretend he’s attacking me. And lastly, Nick tells Kaitlyn, “you do not disappoint” as he pushes his boner against her hip. Shawn-us interruptus catches this all and runs away crying.

The Alamo- Rose Ceremony

Chris Harrison tries to make the rose ceremony about him by not so slyly announcing this was his home state. Unfortunately, the rose ceremony is not about Chris OR bad hair because the two worst hairstyles are swiftly eliminated, as they should have been. All the awards in the world to the producers who probably told Joshua they didn’t have time to fix his terrible haircut for the rose ceremony, knowing his fate and making sure he looked his absolute worst for it. Golf clap. Hey Joshua, you look like a DOOOFUS!

DOOFUS, DOOFUS, DOOFUS!

Roses: Ben H., Nick, Shawn, Jared, Cupcake, JJ, Joe, BenZ, Tanner

Dublin, Ireland, One on One Date with Lispy

Next logical stop after The Alamo? Ireland, duh. Nick is picked for the one on one date and has 10 minutes to change from his grey boner pants to an even tighter pair of green boner pants. I start to get genuinely concerned that I won’t be able to recap this date because I can’t understand Nick, but my worries quickly fade when I see that there is essentially no talking, just rubbins. Kaitlyn flails around some pigeons, then Nick flails in a Irish step dancing performance and nearly rips his jeggings. The remaining activities consist of Nick trying to swallow Kaitlyn’s head in various public places in Dublin. According to Nick, their physical relationship is “rock ssssholid.”

Later, they grope in a church, truly rounding out the Irish date of soft-core porn. Nick whispers sweet nothings in Kaitlyn’s ear mostly along the lines of “I’m dying…you’re giving me blue balls, can we bone now…” you know, real romantic stuff. Kaitlyn is like ok here’s a rose because I think we’re still doing that TV show thing and now let’s get to the ‘tration.

Shawn and Jared gossip about Nick and are like fingers crossed she’s having a shitty time right now–meanwhile, Nick is slipping his digits up Kaitlyn’s skirt on her hotel couch. Then this show tapped right into my nightmares of the days when I had to listen to my roommate getting friendly with boys in our shared dorm room in college and the sloppy kissing sounds and awk foreplay when they forced us to watch a closed door and listen to Nick giving Kaitlyn multiples while he pet her hair and lapped at her mouth (probably.) Apparently when you go to poundtown on TV, you also keep your mic packs on. Showing them closing the door would have sufficed, THANKS. On the bright side, now I can add Kaitlyn’s moans to the list of things I never ever want to hear again for the rest of my life.

The following day, Nick takes the walk of shame with a shit-eating grin, sits down for story time with the boys and said they just talked. I overcompensated for how smart these jabronis are when I assumed they would immediately guess that he boinked her but apparently these morons have never heard of a girl and a guy TAALLLKKING. Nick basically did everything short of showing them the footage when he grinned and said it was intimate but no one caught on.

RIP Kaitlyn-Tanner, BenZ, Shawn, Jared, Ben H, Cupcake

Hear ye, hear ye, Kaitlyn is dead. She died from Nick giving her a rare strand of Chlamydia and the leftovers are attending her wake for a group date. If there were ever a point when I would give up on a TV show it would have been this exact point, but since I only watch it to make fun of it I hung in there. Chris Harrison admitting, however, that this was “a little” ridiculous almost caused me to launch at the TV. Oh really, Chris? Just a LITTLE? The boys gather around Kaitlyn lying in a coffin and give their eulogies. I wish that was a sentence that I made up, but alas it isn’t. Unfortunately for BenZ who actually lost his mom, death isn’t really a topic that’s all about LoL’s on TV for him. Gawd, Kaitlyn, read the room before you fake die. He gets super emosh about it and makes everyone clear the room.

Later, the boys take time to chat with Kaitlyn because whoever gets rosed spends the rest of the night with her and everyone else has to bizounce. Shawn shows her pictures of his family (d’awww), Jared calls Kaitlyn a beautiful corpse like the stupid creep that he is (and also brings up her old man laugh for the 10000th time) and yet his patchy ass beard on that punchworthy face of his still gets the rose. Shawn is sad panda about it. He shouldn’t be, because the reward for getting a rose is going to a cathedral for a personal concert by The Cranberries. Yes, you heard me correctly, the obscure Irish 90’s band whose most famous song is most definitely about a fart is who they chose as a prized performance. But for serious though, last season’s star power was Big & Rich and now The Cranberries? You would think a #1 rated show could lock down a musical guest from this decade, no? Obviously The Crans perform “Linger” because romance.

While Kaitlyn and Jared slow dance to an ode to flatulence, Shawn pulls a producer aside to strong-arm him for dirty deets on whose been in Kaitlyn’s bed. It turns out that the reason he needs to know so badly is because he also spent some bedroom time with Kaitlyn, except he was classy enough to do it OFF camera and he’d probably like to know if he should get tested. The producer told him it wouldn’t hurt to get a quick blood test and Shawn makes a surprise visit to confront Kaitlyn. Unfortunately, she leads him to sit down on the same couch that her and Nick exchanged fluids on mere hours before and Shawn left his black light kit at home. What will happen?! Will Shawn leave? Will Kaitlyn cry? Will Shawn get so angry at her that he rips his shirt off, picks her up and carries her to her room? Hey, a girl can dream. Anyway, we will not know any of these things ever…or until next week, whatever.

PS In case anyone cares (I certainly don’t), our weekly catch-up with the Hipster twins Britt & Brady contained a winter knit hat in the sunshine state and Britt’s mom declaring that Brady seems like a good buddy. In other words, Brady just got friend-zoned by Britt’s mom. Yikes.

Television

TV DILFS

I’m extending Father’s Day celebrations by a day so that we can properly commemorate the hottest dads that have graced our TVs. These fictional dads have made raising kids (woof) sexy and cool AF. Feast your eyes upon the top TV DILFS.

10. Deacon Claybourne- Nashville

Although it came as a casual surprise to Deacon about 14 years after the fact that he was a dad, he has taken the job in stride (after the initial almost killing Rayna incident, oopsie.) His boozin past makes him edgy and mysterious while his parenting technique is singing duets.

Best Dad Moment: Bursting in on Maddie’s afternoon delight with her boyfriend Colt and recruiting Juliette to have the sex talk with her because it gives him the uncomfies.

9. Rufus Humphrey- Gossip Girl

Rufus had some glory days with his 90’s band Lincoln Hawk that quickly turned into being a single dad to the poorest kids on the Upper East Side. He doesn’t let that stand in the way of snagging former lover/rich bitch Lily van der Woodsen.

Best Dad Moment: Encouraging Dan to boink Serena. Also putting up with little miss trainwreck Jenny, which deserves all the awards.

8. Phil Dunphy- Modern Family

Phil may be a little on the flamboyant side (see: his college cheerleading career) but his killer sense of humor and ability to memorize the dance moves to High School Musical are what makes him sexy.

Best Dad Moments: When he taught Alex about the powers of Jagermeister, shot Luke with a bebe gun and made his own shirt to move Haley into college.

7. Dr. Derek Shepard- Grey’s Anatomy

May he rest in peace, McDreamy had a way of piercing you with his blue eyes and then saving people’s lives, NBD but HBD. Though I can’t pinpoint a whole lot of fathering, he is eye candy and that’s all that matters. (Gone too soon.)

Best Dad Moment: Perching a tiara atop that head of lettuce and having tea with Zola.

6. Elliot Stabler- Law & Order SVU

Stabler investigates brutal rapes and murders from 9-5 but then goes home and is dad AF to his five(?) kids. He’s protective and brooding and one HOT STUFF law enforcer.

Best Dad Moment: Anytime he gets aggressive with someone he’s interrogating. Oh sorry, I got distracted…ummm probably when he burned his daughter Kathleen’s license so she’d stop getting DUI’s.

5. Christopher Hayden- Gilmore Girls

Technically Christopher was a shitty father for all of Rory’s childhood but have you seen him? Swoooon. He comes back into her life when he gets sneaky rich and then gets another shot at dad when he has little demon Gigi.

Best Dad Moment: When he gives Gigi whatever she wants to make her stop screaming like a devil child. Forever the bad boy dad.

4. Jim Halpert- The Office

Jim is probably the most romantic guy ever in TV history (bold statement, I stand by it) and also happens to have a killer sense of humor, as displayed in his life’s work to prank Dwight. Plus he has a great range of funny faces, which probably makes him a gr8 dad.

Best Dad Moment: Finally succumbing to Halloween and doing a family costume.

3. Jesse Katsopolis- Full House

Our third and final rockstar dad, Jesse can command a stage with the Rippers, has iconic luscious locks and is a bonafide lady killer. When he finds out he’s having twins he loses his shit but once they’re born and he can finally tell them apart without matching up their footprints, he becomes a phenomenal dad who refuses to cut their hair.

Best Dad Moment: Putting doo rags and leather jackets on his babies for a family portrait.

2. Nathan Scott- One Tree Hill

Nathan Scott went from being the star of the Tree Hill Ravens and all around dick to married with a baby all before he graduated high school. But that didn’t stop him from being the sexiest teen dad this side of the river court…seriously have you seen him shirtless? He kept at his all-star basketball career (with a timeout to be paralyzed real quick) but also made sure to teach Jamie how to use condoms in high school how to be a baller and carry on the Scott traditions.

Best Dad Moment: Wearing a cape to Jamie’s school and showing everyone that Scotts are ALWAYS popular.

1. Eric Taylor- Friday Night Lights

Coach Taylor is the top dog of TV dads. He brings his football teams to state, has a hot ass wife with fabulous hair and invented “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose.” I mean, come on. Coaching horny teenage boys all day has essentially made Eric want to lock Julie (we’re disregarding Gracie Belle because she was obviously adopted from trolls) up for life, which makes for some very sassy and hilarious parenting.

Best Dad Moment: Giving Julie the sex talk via a game of ping pong. (Please accept these ratchet screenshots in lieu of the clip, which was near impossible to find.)

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/15/15

1. Channing Tatum. On the press circuit for Magic Mike:More Male Twerking to Ginuwine Music (Official title obv.) Channing has been flaunting those abzz and his dirty teenage boy humor all over the place. I don’t hate it one bit. After riding a float in last weekend’s Pride parade in LA with Matt Bomer (SWOON), he also did an AMA this week and let us in on some key Channing secrets.

In summary: He also gets lost in Matt Bomer’s eyes “made of dreams, rainbows and amazingness.” He learned how to dance by clubbin in Florida, there will be no full frontal nudity in Magic Mike XXL but there is little left to the imagination, he hearts pinterest and carebears, he adds cheetos to his PB&J, and he’s named is penis Gilbert. Welp there you have it folks. The most important tidbits from the mind of Channing. If you have a better attention span than me, you can read the full AMA here.

2. Hilary Duff brings back Lizzie Mcguire Movie Isabella accent. Hilary Duff’s shitty Italian accent MAKES the Lizzie McGuire movie pretty much golden. A loyal fan asked her this week to reenact it while she was promoting her new album and she happily obliged and I watched it and was embarrassed for her all over again. What a gem to entertain Lizzie McGuire fangirls. Fingers crossed she actually makes an Isabella dubsmash. That would be what dreams are made of.

3. Tim Riggins is single, everyone form a line behind me.

While being interviewed for Elle magazine, Taylor Kitsch (forever and always Riggs) admits he’s single because he chooses not to balance a relationship with his hectic lifestyle. He wouldn’t want to ask a woman to wait for him for several weeks at a time while he’s doing press or filming. I’d just like to put it in writing for all the internet to hear, I will wait an indefinite amount of time for you, Riggs. Just let me know when you’re ready, no regrets. (coincidentally also his personal email sign off…sigh.)

4. Aziz Ansari and Jimmy Fallon show everyone how bad guys are at texting. Aziz just released a new book about how dating today sucks and to prove his point him and JFall played a little game called let’s remind girls how terrible guys are at texting. They read some embarrassing opening lines and I would like everyone who is in a relationship to have a moment of silence for what all of us single ladiezzz are dealing with. Although to be clear, it’s not just texting. I once had a guy who was chatting with me fart and then take a lap to air it out before returning and announcing that he just farted. Crushed it.

5. Kim K is a dum dum and everyone made fun of her. This doesn’t kount as Kardashian knews because I’m really just reporting on the bits that made fun of her…much more entertaining for all. Anyway, Kimmy wrote future Kimmy a letter that was so stupid I couldn’t even listen to more than one second of it. I could, however, listen to both Jimmy Kimmel and James Corden mock it on each of their shows. Enjoi.

BONUS: While people are getting chomped on by sharks left and right (not funny, literally my greatest fear) Zac Efron is riding sharks in Hawaii.

View this post on Instagram

Eating sardines + riding tiger sharks + @andybovine = Lifetime memories. Watch the full video on my Twitter and FB. #savethesharks @oceanicramsey @juansharks @oneoceandiving

A post shared by Zac Efron (@zacefron) on Jun 16, 2015 at 3:42pm PDT

Television

The Hills Drinking Game

It’s no secret I have a thang for Lauren Conrad and another thang for trashy reality television…which comes together quite nicely to make The Hills a re-watchable series for me. Except instead of sitting down and binge-watching, I’ve found that it’s best consumed during a gal pal wine night as a way to feel nostalgic for a time when thick headbands were in style oh, and also to get hammied. I hope that sharing this very official drinking game with all of you will fulfill the overwhelming desire that you once had to booze every time Justin Bobby’s greasy locks and open mouthed burps graced your TV.

Take a Sip When:

-You see LA Traffic or the Hollywood sign

-Brody or Spencer uses the term homeboy or homie

-Audrina/Heidi talk to Chiara/Elodie about their personal lives that these “co-workers” are certainly not a part of.

-Justin Bobby’s hair looks greasy

-LC touches her hair

-“Lisa wants to see you in her office”

-Audrina has a blank stare that displays minimal brain activity, usually directed toward the ceiling.

-Spencer’s sister is referred to as the “She-Pratt”

-Whitney ends an “ing” word with the “k” sound instead

-Anyone starts a sentence with “It’s like…”

-Heidi admits that she has no friends, just Spencer

-The phrase “Be Careful” or “Be Cautious” is uttered about anyone wanting to buddy up to LC’s shady ex-friends

-Spencer calls Heidi “my dear” and sounds like he wants to wear her skin as a suit.

-LC preaches an inspirational quote about love or friendships

-JBobby calls Audrina “dude” as a term of endearment. Swoon.

-LC or Steph are in class to remind us all that they actually go to college

Take a Shot (or Gulp) When:

-LC is hammie sammied

-Whitney’s surprised

-LC cries

-Justin Bobby burps up everything he ate that day (and possibly that week)

-Jen Bunney is shady AF

-A character says something off camera that is very obviously a voiceover dubbed in

-Audrina says she’s DONE with JB…DONE.

-Audrina is over being DONE with JB and takes his “hairstylin” ass back

-Whitney gives LC feedback that is really just repeating what LC said in an advice tone of voice

-An up and comer is introduced on the show like they’re in a garage band and they’re now a huge superstar (i.e. Lady Gaga)

-“ARE THEY TAKING SHOTS?!”

-LC insults Audrina and she’s too stupid to notice, usually referring to her taste in men or Heidi using her to get to LC

-The gang announces that an event or trip will be drama free…and then there’s drama.

Take a Knee & Chug Your Drink When:

-The single black tear rolls down LC’s sad losing-another-BFF face

-LC doesn’t go to Paris

-LC does go to Paris

-Audrina pretends to be friends with Sean Kingston and his crew and has a poster of him in her cube at work

-Trashcan bar-slut redhead kisses Justin Bobby in front of Audrina but when confronted claims, “I didn’t kiss him. I didn’t NOTHING him.”

-Three 22 year olds buy a Hollywood mansion with a built-in pool

-She-Pratt describes the life cycles of pet rodents

-Spencer compares the bickering of basic betches to world conflicts. “It’s like trying to tell Iran and Israel to get along.”

-Spencer hooks up an IV of tequila to Heidi and then convinces her to marry him in Mexico

-Brody goes to Las Vegas reality show jail for dramatic effect

-LC makes her grand exit (Finish all the drinks within reach. It’s the end of the series.)

Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Follow Your Heart, Your Male Intuition

You know what might be fun for once? Starting an episode fresh and not fresh off of a stupid cliffhanger from the week before. But we can’t always get what we want and so here we are, a week later and Nick is still in the elevator. When he finally enters and greets the group of judgey eyes like they’re about to play a game of pickup basketball and not like he just weaseled his way onto their show, it goes swimmingly. The men are crammed onto one couch and tell Nick to state his case, obviously pretty threatened by this little baby duck in a skin-tight sweatshirt. Once Nick opens his mouth, however, there’s a collective sigh of relief as the boys hear Nick’s debilitating lisp. Nothing to worry about here, can’t have a villain with a lissssssp. Tanner calls him out for hanging with Andi recently (Tanner clearly has an US Weekly hidden under his pillow) and Josh gets a liiiiittle touchy about Nick calling Kaitlyn a cool chick instead of an AMAZING woman.

Cocktail Party @ Citi Field

JJ picks Kaitlyn up like she’s the daintiest bird and runs the bases with her, which would be the cutest thing in the world except that it’s JJ and he’s a douche nugget. Tanner uses the word “pussyfooted” while chatting with Kaitlyn. And Shawn goes all real talk on her ass and says Nick is full of shit. BOOYAH TEAM SHAWN.

Rose Ceremony: Justin, Cupcake, Jared, Ben H., BenZ, Shawn, Tanner, Joe, Ian, JJ, Joshua, Nick

“Let’s Take Our Love One Step At A Time”- Ben H.

The crew travels to San Antonio, TX because apparently they’re now a touring band of bros across the USA. Ben H. snags a one on one and Kaitlyn picks him up in a vintage Ford truck that she absolutely does not know how to drive but they make it seem like she does because, Hollywood. Joshua, the welder who struggles to put a coherent sentence together and calls tampons, “tampins” turns into the biggest jelly belly and lurks in the window as Kaitlyn and Ben get into the truck. It makes him miss his truck or his side hobby as a peeping Tom or something. Kaitlyn and Ben learn how to two step from a woman who met her husband two-steppin (Oh, Texas) and then get thrown into a dance competition later on…which is pretty par for the course on these dates. Learn something brand new then embarrass yourself in front of a crowd, ha-ha I’ll choose my future husband based on who doesn’t shit their pants! Anyway, not to brag but I learned how to two step while I was hammered with a true Texan at a country bar in Boston. So I’m probably a professional.

You know who else is a professional? Betty Jo, the 1000 year old woman whose five minute appearance will undoubtedly get her a reality show.

Betty Jo is a shining star. Who needs teeth when you’ve still got your moves? She drags those bones all over the dance floor and tells Kaitlyn and Ben that dancing is love as she gives them a sagging wink. What a firecracker she was. Later on, Kaitlyn tries to get Ben H to open up so he sighs a whole lot and builds up how hard it is to say this… but his last girlfriend told him that he lost the chase. Ok, Ben, more two-steppin, less talkin. He gets rosed.

Group Date: “I Love A Man in Uniform”

Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, BenZ, Joshua, Nick

A cocky lil bitch named Mr. Steal Yo Girl Sebastian serenades Kaitlyn and is like I just melted Kaitlyn’s panties with my singing, try to keep up, boyz. They all have to write and perform mariachi songs….cause embarrassment. STOP MAKING THEM SING, KAITLYN. IT’S PUNISHMENT FOR ALL OF US. Anyway, there’s a lotta room for accidental racism here and I nearly rubbed my hands together with glee. Joshua uses his songwriting time to glare at Nick and plot his murder while Ian uses this time to brag about how he’s a Grammy-winning singer. During the performances, Justin thankfully tucks his swooping comb over under a sombrero and also uses an Italian accent while singing…nailed it. JJ becomes the guitar guy at a party and brings out his acoustic only to mess up the chords. Ian chokes so hard with his whisper singing that JJ is redeemed. And finally, Nick takes Kaitlyn to the balcony to serenade her and works “erection” into his tune. Even Tanner had to give him props for that. Boner jokes. Respect.

Later in a church barn (no, really) Josh is like “hey Kaitlyn, you’re a barber right? Cut my hair while everyone else waits inside.” Barber and dancer are the same thing, right guys? No seriously, did I miss the part when Kaitlyn tells everyone she’s a barber? Kaitlyn proceeds to buzz a hole in Josh’s head and all the boys laugh at him. Justin says Josh’s hair looks like it went through the wood chipper and is a little rough. Let me reiterate that for you…this guy:

judged another man’s hair. Then Nick walks in on Josh talking shit and he does that thing that girls do when they get caught where they just abruptly stop talking and go, “yeah….so that’s it.” Josh tells Nick he hates him but he doesn’t know why, and Nick’s like Ok, cool.

Josh takes one look at Nick’s fluffy hair and gets pissed off again about his shitty haircut so he stomps into the church with Kaitlyn to teach her and God about his male intuition. Apparently it’s a thing guys have when they hate someone but they can’t pinpoint what they hate about them. Josh declares everyone hates Nick but nobody wants to be that weasel to throw somebody under the bus like he has been this ENTIRE season. (i.e. Tony, Clint, JJ, Nick…get a hobby, bruh.) This isn’t Kaitlyn’s first rodeo (Texas pun, lawls) dealing with a bunch of lying turds so she calls Josh out in front of the whole group and Josh hops right onto that welded bike of his and starts backpedaling as fast as he can. The rest of the crew throws him over the bus and drives over him and his stupid haircut until he stops dribbling dumb. Nick gets the rose (in front of Josh) because he’s here and put himself and his tongue out there, while I just wish he would put his tongue away, permanently.

Kayaking One on One with Shawn

Kaitlyn may give us a lot of cringe worthy dates, but we can’t say she doesn’t know how to make it up to us. I present you with, a date that Shawn has to take his shirt off for. Excuse me while I mop up the puddle of drool that I could probably kayak through. While staring at his washboard abs, Kaitlyn confesses that she loves his voice and his smell then quickly stops herself and says she’s getting creepy. Girlfriend, he’s on the show for you…sniff away! While paddling down a river Kaitlyn compares Texas to Europe and I’m willing to bet this is the first time in history that comparison has ever been made. Ah yes, this dirty river and rental kayaks accompanied with the smell of barbecue really remind me of the rolling hills in Tuscany.

At their bonfire in the evening, Shawn and Kaitlyn cuddle up and talk about how happy they are, making it a perfect time for Shawn to talk about the time he almost died in a car wreck a few years ago. Apparently his car flipped a bunch and a cop told him he shouldn’t have survived, no biggie, but today was really fun!!! (Side bar: Buckle up, kids.) Shawn sheds some man-tears and I tried to wipe them up but my TV got in the way and he told me Kaitlyn that he’s falling in love with her. She says samesies and he kisses her like a real man and doesn’t try to clean her sinuses like Nick probably would have done. There’s a rose and fiyaworks and we can just end the series here because it’s obvious who our winner is.

Cocktail Party 2.0

Not the kind of show to let a good thing happen without a whole load of bullshit, next up we have Ian in the long train of guys who think they’re better than Kaitlyn and have no business being on this show. I for one, hope he’s bringing up the caboose on that train because this shit is getting exhausting to watch. Our boy Ian, who if you recall, was pretty much obsessed with Kaitlyn when he arrived, decided that he’s soooo over being ignored because he’s a Princeton grad and a former model and oh yeah he DEFIED death. In efforts to clinch the spot as next Bachelor, he announces casually that he’d prefer to be the next Bachelor. Signed, sealed, delivered I think we’ve found him. In other relevant things, Kaitlyn is not nearly as hot as Ian’s ex-girlfriend, so obviously this makes him better than her…he also has a lot of sex so HA. Ian confronts Kaitlyn and complains about guys who make fart and poop jokes, That’s it. That’s the last straw. GET OUTTA HERE, IAN. He continues to be a jerk and obviously this whole thing is to be continued because we accept the rose ceremonies we think we deserve. And this week, we only deserved one.

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 6/8/15

1. You get a reality show, you get a reality show, YOU ALL GET REALITY SHOWS. Apparently this was the week of oh, you’d like to be relevant again? Here’s your own show. Nick Lachey and Drew Lachey will have a show called “Raising the Bar” about the two of them opening a bar in Ohio. More famous bro helping out less famous bro open business… Wahlburgers knock-off, anyone?

Ja Rule is going against my strongly worded advice to start popping out more bangers with Ashanti and instead doing a show about his family on MTV. Snooze. No one wants to see you be a dad, Ja…everyone wants to hear about you doing dirty things to Ashanti in a classic rap song.

And finally Rev Run and Tyrese will be starting up a talk show based off of their love/relationship advice book Manology. I’m not proud of the fact that I read most of Manology. PS I spent about 40 minutes at work trying to find a tweet from 3 years ago with a RIDICULOUS Tyrese quote from this book and failed miserably…So instead I’ll leave you with this gem of a quote from the book: “A real woman is a freak in bed. A chef in the kitchen. A therapist during hard times & a coach when you’re off your game.” Oh, ok that’s all we need to be? Easy peasy.

2. The Kristen Wiig/Will Ferrell Lifetime movie is happening. And you bet your bottom dollar I’ll be watching. This teaser is RIVETING.

3. TV reunions GALORE at ATX. This is a festival in Austin, TX that is known for rallying TV casts and hitting up everyone’s nostalgia. This past weekend had a Gilmore Girls reunion/panel, a mini reunion of some of the Friday Night Lights cast and a table reading of a Dawson’s Creek episode (not read by the original stars..which is weird…gimme more Pacey). Anyway my little TV obsessed heart near exploded at all of the goods. Here’s some pics. Gilmore Girls is really doing the circuit so I wouldn’t be surprised at the announcement of some type of reunion in the works…it also needs to be said that Luke is WOOOF now. So disappointing. There was much debate about Team Dean, Team Jess or Team Logan (FTR, I’m team everyone BUT Dean. What a wiener.) And Hep Alien did a little show as well.

Stars of FNL who played Mindy & Billy Riggins and Tyra Colette got drunk and joked about a reunion and everyone took it too seriously. Texas Forever.

#tbt to last Sunday…. Our entire relationship in one pic!! @_derekphillips #FNL #DawsonsCreek pic.twitter.com/bUcjf7kVkF

— Stacey Oristano (@staceyoristano) June 11, 2015

Also…. This girl… And guy? @AdriannePalicki pic.twitter.com/69FlWlCxF3

— Stacey Oristano (@staceyoristano) June 5, 2015

4. Holly Madison airs Playboy Mansion secrets. Holly is releasing another book and basically shitting all over the Playboy mansion. Ever since the Girls Next Door reality show I’ve NEEDED to know about how 3 girls under 30 think it’s aok to share a 90 year old man. Holly described the nightly routine of getting ready for bed and then each getting a turn with Hef where it was over as quickly as it had begun and it soookeedd. (As one would imagine sex with a grandpa would) She also hated her life and couldn’t wait to be released from the Heffinator’s clutches as #1 GF. Yiiiikkezzzz. This is barely news, but I found it interesting nonetheless. Does Hef still have sex slaves, I mean girlfriends? Is Hef still alive?

5. Relationship Goals. Life Goals.

https://instagram.com/p/3w-s1eDvIA/?taken-by=taylorswift

Sorry this week was lame for news. Hope this makes it better. If it doesn’t, we shouldn’t be friends.

Music, Television

CMT Music Awards Recap

Well guys, it’s here. Country season has arrived. It’s finally an OK time to listen to songs about sunshine and trucks and partying outside and feel good about it instead of trudging through snow and hating every single person in the south. Country season is short-lived in the Northeast but it’s pretty glorious. And there’s no better way to kick it off than with me sitting in my bed for 3 hours with my laptop on my chest watching a ratchet livestream of a bunch of cool as shit country performances happening in Nashville, where I am not. But whatevs, TAN LINES. JOHN DEERE. MURICA. LET’S DO THIS.

(It’s rare that you hear me say this, but for the record this was an overall entertaining show. Props to CMT.)

Highs

-Lady A kicks off the night with “Long Stretch of Love”, including a mid-song interlude into the land of EDM as Zedd drops some knowledge from his beat laboratory. It was entertaining at best to see the country stars at a loss for what to do with their hands for this breakdown while all the fans moshed. ALSO Hillary looked like a smokeshow slutty Sandra Dee with leather leggings, jacket and hot pink pumps. Sexy, Can I? Real talk though HOW do country singers stomp (literally stomp their feet) all over a stage in stilettos. Get back to me on that.

-I love a good blurring of fiction and real world, which always comes with an appearance of cast members from Nashville. Deacon and Will Lexington introduce Reba and hawk Season 4…where Will teases “Some of us are coming back…good luck pal.” YEAH RIGHT, GUYS A REALLY SMART BLOGGER ALREADY PREDICTED DEACON’S COMING BACK NEXT SEASON, SO HA.

-I can ALWAYS get down with the camera panning to someone who flubs the lyrics. Last night’s most memorable was Jason Aldean’s girlfriend/mistress/wife(?) getting an audience shot during his performance and singing the wrong words. I relish in these moments. It’s the little things.

-The jockey that rode American Pharoah into history at the Belmont last weekend gets an appearance just cause and introduces Ron White. The three words he’s allowed to say into the mic are pretty incoherent but this was already hilarious because they put a baby jockey next to Erin Andrews and the height difference was glorious. Love wittle cute jockeys.

-The boyz of FGL have been somewhat listening to me. Blazers, man. So classy. I like what I’m seeing (until the whoutfit performance…see below. HAD to ruin it.)

-Kristen Bell gets a few cameos, bits about advice from last year’s host and such and these are funnier than anything she ever did as a host, and I’ve come to the conclusion that hosting forces jokes and over the top bits that make people unfunny. Epiphany. Watch here

-LUKE.BRYAN.IS.BACK. Look, I understand that as an artist, Luke wanted to show his range and put out a few snoozers that were really deep and not just about girls shaking their asses and I was patient. I waited for Luke to release a new banger that would guarantee a gyrating performance. And it paid OFF. He performed new song Kick the Dust Up which allowed for full hip movement. We’re going to momentarily forget that he was wearing a stupid shirt with red leather shoulder pads because there was shaking, there was a baseball cap and every time there’s a baseball cap it gets flipped backward halfway through the performance when cocky Luke comes out to play. I guess you could say my friend Lindsey and I enjoyed it…

-Lady A wins for their Bartender music video which included Kate Upton and Charles immediately announces, “You have to put Kate Upton in a video to win!” in very typical guy fashion. #Tits #Merica Hillary tries to prevent a PR snafu and is like um no that’s not true…but realistically it probably is and this awkward moment was pretty gr8.

-Jake Owen debuts new song “Real Life” and his super hot short hair for the first time in a while and I’m loving it. Anyone who rides up to the stage on a bed gets my support. Drool. The chicks doing high kicks on inflatable pizza slices, however, can see themselves out. That is NOT real life.

-In other awksies moments, Nikki Reed presents award for Male Video and reads a very scripted joke off of the teleprompter “It’s time to finally honor a forgotten minority…men.” Aaaaandd CRICKETS. The joke bombed so hard she was forced to nervously laugh at it herself. Someone got fired.

-The bit that seemed to work the best was a pre-recorded knock off of Uber with “Guuber” where celebrities drive other celebrities around Nashville. The idea’s pretty stupid but it played off of star power with Steven Tyler as a driver and of course, the punk who needs to be included in everything, Biebz. He and James Corden express their love for Luke Bryan and his sapphire eyes, which I can always get on board with plus a sing along to Country Girl Shake It For Me. Luke lapped that shit right up when he accepted the award for male video and declared welllll Bieber loves me soooo…

-Sam Hunt performs banger “House Party” (unfortunately still in that white tunic shirt) and realizes that his star power is his ability to make girls swoon and take selfies with them. Get it, Sam.

-Queen Carrie brings it with the outfit changes for “Little Toy Guns” performance. Flawwwwlezzzz.

Lows

-The hosts Erin Andrews and Brittany Snow are mostly lame, as most hosts are and pretty awkward together. The bits that fell flat were Erin’s lesbian crush on Carrie Underwood and a small Pitch Perfect Nashville Bella’s performance in the beginning.

-It’s gotten to the point where I think every time Reba hits the stage she’s performing a medley of old songs like “Fancy”…turns out she’s actually making and performing new music and it all just sounds the same to me. Snoozes for Reba always. Sorry bout it.

-Apparently Whoutfits are the new cool thing of country music? What. This is not flattering at all. Knock it off.

-Oh hey Billy Rae Cyrus, it’s so nice of you to drop in after getting a blowout to promote your new show and make me want to puke everywhere.

-There’s a bit with Joe Dirt in it…is it 1997?

-Joe Dirt very truthfully pointed out while introducing Keith Urban that he’s so close to a mullet why doesn’t he just do it? And I actually agree with this very trashy fictional character. Seriously Keith, your hair gets woofier every time I see it. Enough with the soccer mom cut. Grow it long for a dirty man bun or keep it boy length but either way this in between, almost mullet, almost “I drive a Dodge Caravan” style is reaaalllyyyy gonna need to go. (PS he performed a new song “John Cougar, John Deere, John 3:16″….COULD THAT TITLE BE LONGER?)

-Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tom Arnold were on the show WAY too much. I don’t get the Arnold thing. His accent sucks and it isn’t funny. Plus did we all just forget that he banged his nanny and had a secret kid with her just because he’s the Terminator? Anyway, him in a cowboy hat spitting out incoherent sounds was downright painful.

-Mike Fisher (Carrie’s other half) is the Taylor Swift of crowd shots and he doesn’t even know it. For whatever reason, every country awards show, the camera is fixated on Mike in the audience half of the time and yet he doesn’t have reactions. Why are we watching him? Because he’s pretty…but also out of a group of drunk country boys I think we should be able to find someone more fascinating to take Tay’s place. Let’s work on that. Petition for Brett Eldredge to be his replacement?

Full Winners List

Collaborative Video of the Year: Miranda Lambert & Carrie Underwood “Somethin Bad”

Breakthrough Video of the Year: Sam Hunt “Leave the Night On”

Duo Video of the Year: Florida Georgia Line “Dirt”

Female Video of the Year: Carrie Underwood “Something in the Water”

CMT Performance of the Year: Bob Seger & Jason Aldean “Turn the Page”

Group Video of the Year: Lady Antebellum “Bartender”

Male Video of the Year: Luke Bryan “Play it Again”

Best Video of the Year: Carrie Underwood “Something in the Water”

Red Carpet

CMT Music Awards Red Carpet

We’re back in the swing of a country music awards show for every network, unfortunately this network is no longer a part of my cable package (elitist Comcast) so I really committed hard to delivering some bloggage. You better ‘preciate it. Probably the most difficult part of my night wasn’t watching an awards show on my laptop like a poor person, but it was trying to find enough people for my best dressed list. YIKES what slim pickins. Anywho…

Worst Dressed

WHAT THE HELL, SAM?! DON’T STRAY FROM THE HOT COUNTRY BOY UNIFORM. JEANS, VNECK, SMILE. DAS IT.

JT Hodges wore more sparkles than his wife. That’s supes embarrassing.

Jason Aldean will forever be stuck in the 90’s. Sweet corduroy jacket and flares.

Listen I want to throw the boys a bone here but they did a lot of this shit…looking good on top and then throwing on a pair of boots that ruined everything.

Going for a quick hike after this, Chase? Cmon guys, it’s not that hard to make my best dressed. Figure it out.

Not even joking here, is she alive?

This is literally the pattern of one of those rubber sun catchers you could color in from Joann Fabrics. #craftdress

How the hell did Brooke Hogan get an invite to these awards? Think they were scrounging or something…Anyway she wore her best Deb prom dress, with a side of nip slip. Keep it classy, grrrrrl.