Tag Archives: Deacon Claybourne

Nashville, Television

Nashville-“Maybe You’ll Appreciate Me Someday”

(Ehhh…probably not.)

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OH BOY. We are finished. The series of Nashville is dunzo (until they grovel so hard for a spot on Hulu and I pretend it no longer exists.) I counted down the minutes this episode, urging everyone to get their shit together by the very last frame. And they did. Sort of.

Let’s start with some LoLz. Colt facetiming Luke from “the army” wearing a camo bucket hat. They really made that one believable. How did he get his ass kicked for defending his dad’s liberal views and yet doesn’t get his ass kicked for rocking that bucket hat? Seems fishy, is all.

Let’s check in with Maddie for a hot sec. She’s still doing the NYC thing and upon meeting her producer, takes a kissy-faced selfie with him. SHE’S SO MATURE AND DESERVING OF AN EMANCIPATION. While shamelessly stalking their daughter on Instagram, Rayna reveals that Maddie’s producer Vince is the same one who tried to give her some unsolicited kissing back in the day. Deacon’s all, you don’t say! As he puts on his readers and goes in for a closer look. Just don’t accidentally double tap, Deacon! Every insta-creepers’ worst fear. Rayna somehow escaped the clutches of Vince back then (probably by flipping her magic hair and telling him to suck it) but she’s pretty concerned about Maddie. Probably because Maddie’s an idiot who would probably ask Vince mid-rape if he would mind posing for a quick snapchat (with the dog filter obvi.)

That may seem like a harsh assumption but when Vince drops the “I’m having some people by my private studio, you should stop by” line and Cash the wannabe is like WE’RE SO THERE, it doesn’t reeeaaallyy seem like a great idea. The second they walk in Maddie has her dumb phone out for a selfie. I want to hulk smash that phone out of her hand. More to come on the Maddie front but I’m irrationally angry about what a moron she is at the moment.

So we’re going to chat about Scarlett, whose southern accent gets more hick every time I hear it. My ears will be #blessed without it penetrating them every week. After another encouraging chat from that manager who’s only lines have been about headshots and tour offers up until this very last episode (cheers to you for finally getting your time to shine as a character in the series finale, guy) Scarlett decides to word vom it up to Gunnar that she loves him. Aaaand then Big Red comes tromping in like bull in china shop and is all omgggg you told her we’re together?! Die away from me, Red. She then manipulates Gunnar to believe Scarlett doesn’t really mean it, the Exes break up for a hot second, manager flexes his acting skills again with another pep talk and bingo bango, you’ve got a live Exes reunion when Gunnar plants one on Scarlett mid-concert. This generates an AWWWW for all normal people, and hysterical laughter from me. Be more predictable, Nashville. You can’t.

JK they totes can because guess whose garbage can devious plan went up in flames around her? Laaaaaayla. (Pls sing in Eric Clapton voice for full effect.) As she sees her sham of a publicity relationship with Avery going downhill, she calls in an anonymous tip to the paps that Juliette killed the Jeffster. There’s lawsuits and headlines and Juliette’s like whatever I’m over it, let’s do this thing. Kind of pokes a hole in Magnum Layla PI’s course of action here. I’ve never seen someone try so hard just to date a guy with a flavor savor. Gross. Glenn loses his shit on Layla, knowing exactly what she did and fires her. When you get yelled at by Glenn, you know you’ve hit rock bottom. At the same damn time, Luke tells Avery that Layla has known forever and it’s byeee bye bye bye bye to her career…and relashe. Juliette comes clean at the Oscars, proving how much she’s matured and Avery is like okay you may come back to us now that I know you almost offed yourself just because I divorced you. So everything’s roses for mommy, daddy and forever screeching baby Cadence. Right?

In the trend of full-circle character development, now that Will has decided to speak of his gayness on a political talk show, he’s fully embracing the community. He rallies some wily gays in Atlanta via Kevin (who’s newly single) to protest outside of Cynthia’s studio. In turns into a quick pop-up concert with a duet between Luke and Will that has Kevin soaking his undies out in the audience. Will finally gets his shot to appear on the show, crushes it, obviously and then gets some sage advice from Luke about going after Kevin. “You never know if you’ll get a second chance, until you take a chance.” Wow, Luke. That was PROFOUND. Sounds like it belongs in one of your shitty songs. Either way, both boys take that chinese proverb to heart. Kevin and Will are back at it again and not one for leaving a character without a happy ending—Luke tries to reunite with his ex-wife who we never once heard anything about and even chats it up with his daughter. Cause like, apparently he has other kids too, who didn’t witness a man tumble to his death and then join the army to escape it.

Alright, now that we’ve tied up all of our supporting characters’ lives neatly with a bow, let’s get back to the insufferable Maddie and her forever front-facing camera. Rayna can’t figure out a way to warn her because as Desperate Deacon points out, “she blocked us on Twitter!” Gawd, can you imagine your mom tweeting at you not to get raped by your producer? #AWKWARD. Rayna does her one better and pens an open letter to Huff Post. This is why you never underestimate Rayna James. Oh, I can’t call my daughter? Cool, I’ll just have my message to her published in a national newspaper in five minutes. Boom. Roasted.

Deacon continues to cr33p so hard on Maddie’s insta, refreshing it every 30 seconds—and this is why parents shouldn’t be on social media—but lookie, lookie, finds her #PartyAtVincesHouse post. For someone whose constantly on social media, that hashtag bloooows. Act like you’ve been here before, Maddie. In fact, I’ll whip up a caption 1000x better for your right meow. How about #PhotobombPervAlert or #WatchOutForViolationVince? I could go on for days. Jus sayin. While Rayna and Daphne sing a duet (only Rayna gets a rhinestoned mic…in due time Daphne, in due time) Maddie finds her mom’s letter and finally stops being a dum dum. Except Vince has Maddie pinned down and Deacon comes plowing through at the exact right second to stop it. So does Cash…cause I guess she’s done chitchatting with Chris Martin (it pains me that they brought Coldplay into this.) BYEEEE CASH!! Hope you had a fun ride on the coattails of a sixteen year old! Deacon brings Maddie home and they all have a life that’s good. Weird. Who called that?

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And that’s all folks! PSYCHE, as Juliette is skipping the Oscars to race home to her fam, her plane has a distress call and she probably died. Guitar Riff. She didn’t win an Oscar either. Tough night for Juliette. But like, at least everyone else lived happily ever after! Even Luke! (Probably not Teddy..) Sucks to suck, Juliette. Thanks for turning into a gr8 person just to maybe die, or at best, get lost at sea. Cause Nashville is surrounded by seas. Ok whatever. Let’s end the series on an uplifting note. Known for his shitty toupees and success relying directly upon Juliette, Glenn has kind of gotten the short end of the stick in this series. But him in those blue glasses at the Oscars? HoT DaMn! What a stud.

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Welp that’s all I got. Thank you for allowing me to shit on this show every week and make it more bearable to watch by poking fun at it. Hope you weren’t banking on a streaming service comeback as much as the writers who stuck us with that cliffhanger were. BYE YA’LL.

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(if you ever get lonely and have the nostalgic Nashville feels, hop right onto my playlist for a trip down memory lane of all the best music moments.)

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Nashville, Television

Nashville “It’s Sure Gonna Hurt”

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The time has come. ABC has spoken and Nashville is dunzo. IT’S ALL OVER CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. Okay sorry. If that sounded celebratory it’s because it 100% WAS. When your show goes off the rails, has storylines a monkey could write and becomes a chore to watch, it’s time to get the ax and I’m just glad that ABC finally saw that. What once was a show with phenomenal music and spicy love triangles turned into predictable garbage and I think this is the proper time to bid it farewell. Especially now that everyone is in a position to get back togets and love each other for a life that’s good. (Except Maddie, YIKES.) I’m going to promptly ignore the desperate pleas of the cast/fans to get it picked up somewhere else like Hulu or Netflix because after next week, Nashville is dead to me.

Moving on from the good word and onto last night’s episode where they decided to add fuel to the already flaming dumpster fire by creating a cameo from the ear-shattering cast of The View. Luke makes yet another appearance to wave that rainbow flag while Will sits at home with his feet up, chatting with daddy. The dramatics continue when Luke finds out Colt got jumped at boot camp because of the gay pride tour Luke has been on lately. Except it turns out that Colt actually threw the first punch because he was defending dear ole dad. Back in Nashville, a gay guy hides in the shadows at Will’s house to confrontationally tell him that Will’s coming out made him comfortable in his own skin. This seems like an aggressive thing to do just to encourage someone to speak up. Either way, it works and Will is like k I’m ready to talk about being gay now. ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

Red AKA Autumn Chase is going to see her BFF Elton John perform in Boston and poaches Gunnar for the trip while Scarlett the little Dutch boy (that hat though) goes to shoot a solo commercial in Chicago. Gunnar sings with Elton onstage and Scarlett has a super d33p convo with the pushy photographer. On what planet does a photographer hired for a shoot kick everyone out and sit down with the subject for therapy? Anyway, after their chat Scarlett boohoos real hard and we get a quick flashback of early Scarnnar days when they were just babies making beautiful music and lovin all up on each other. This forces Scarlett to admit that she loves Gunnar rriiiiiighhhtttt about the same time that Gunnar bangs Autumn “can’t take a hint” Chase because he felt guilty taking all her celeb favors for free.

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In other, couples that should be together and will be by the series finale news, Avery and Juliette are slowly finding out that their flings are stupid. Layla and Avery are acting couply as shit, which is pretty vomit inducing. Until Avery sees that Noah West has stopped by Juliette’s for the evening and he gets jelly belly of Noah playing dad to his demon child. Stressed about it, he nearly saunters offstage at the FAKE Bluebird mid-performance to answer his cell when he sees that Juliette’s calling.

Juliette and Noah go on their first “date”, which consists of taking care of an infant that screams every time two adults try to kiss and then watching Tommy Boy. Noah thinks Tommy Boy is the worst movie ever and Juliette loves it so she breaks up with him because they have NOTHING in common. At least she gave him a fair shot.

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And lastly, Deacon and Rayna are in couples therapy cause they’re DYSFUNCTIONAL AF. Rayna doesn’t really care about fixing her relationship with Deacon; she just wants Maddie back as she cuddles in Maddie’s bed clutching a framed picture of her like she’s dead. You know, real healthy stuff. In their own bed later, Rayna and Deacon touch hands so THEY’RE TOTES BACK TOGETS AND NO PROBLEMS HERE, YO! Tune in next week for the grand finale! Will Maddie come back or is she gone 2 soon? Is Teddy still rotting in prison? Will we get the ghost of Jeff Fordham? Or will we just get a really schmaltzy episode of their best duets and everyone reuniting to live happily ever after in Music City?

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “After You’ve Gone”

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What a sad, sad montage to kick off this week’s episode. Rayna’s onstage crooning while an orange-vested Deacon scrubs graffiti off of a concrete wall. #JUXTAPOSITION. Oh, and Maddie does her best sexy flirty pout while Cash stage-moms it up from the side. Although it may look like she’s practicing her I’m innocent while also being slutty persona, she’s actually prepping for an auction. Yes that’s right, she wants a record company to bid on her like a piece of meat.

But before we get to that let’s clap it up for Avery this week because THEY LET HIM SING BY HIMSELF!!! On a stage!!! That’s SO season 1. He’s jamming so hard and feeling gr8 about life that he takes that adrenaline and smashes Layla against the wall out back for a mack sesh. Turns out she paid this photog to be there so she could get more press. Avery and Layla have a fight about being a “famous couple” and I wonder if Layla knows that a few short weeks ago Avery was singing commercial jingles for like barely a hundo.

Juliette gets a Google alert of Avery and Layla’s paid for public smooch while she’s shoving ice cream into her ice cream hole. NOT a good look. You know what else isn’t a good look? Using a picture of the ex while she’s mid-sneeze printed next to the tonsil hockey. That’s cold even for a gossip rag. Obviously she needs a hot date to get back at Avery and after a quick run-in with Kesha (thanks for stopping by, grl) Juliette ends up with movie hunk that was after her V when she was preggers. They bang and he wants to have a relashe, I’m assuming just until the end of the season when Juliette and Avery get back together.

Will’s mom died and he’s not allowed at the services. It’s also his fault she died, you know, cause he’s gay. He showed up anyway and whatdya know the church didn’t burn to the ground! His dad still hates him but at least when someone calls Will a homo, Papa Lexington is like NOT IN MY HOUSE…cause like only he can call his son homophobic slurs.

Anyway, back to the meat and potatoes, the dumpster fire that once was a happy lil family singing about how they don’t care about materialistic things, they just want a life that’s good. LoLz. The Beverly is no more and that became obvious when one owner filed a restraining order against the other. Deacon is tossing it around that maybe he should drown himself in booze again since he’s lost EvErYtHiNg. Tandie is back to babysit Daphne. I feel like maybe Daphne is a little old for bedtime stories, but Auntie Tandz disagrees and tells her a long tale of how history is repeating itself and Maddie=younger Rayna. I’m sure that’s comforting for Daphne to hear that her and her sister probably won’t talk for years.

Rayna sleuths on over to the auction after convincing a friend to sign Maddie. I’m sorry, I guess it’s Maddie JAYMES now. Because as if she couldn’t get any worse, ripping her mom’s famous last name from her AFTER declaring she doesn’t want her as a mom anymore SEEMS A LITTLE BIT RIDICULOUS. What a dirt move. Almost as dirt as signing with the New York label, which she obviously does. Adios, Maddie Jaymes, hope you’ll enjoy the big apple with Cash residing directly up your ass.

 

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “The Trouble with the Truth”

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Everyone sucked this week. Cash and Frankie sucked for being the worst characters ever, Maddie sucked for taking insufferable teen to an all-time peak, and Deacon sucked for having no self control over his hulk-like tendencies.

But first, and most hilariously, Juliette is nominated for an Oscar and now we KNOW we’re watching fictional television. To make it even less believable, the second the words come out of the announcer’s mouth, her phone starts ringing off the hook. Ok. When she calls Avery to tell him, it just so happens that he’s in bed with Layla and she chooses that exact moment in time to murmur sweet nothings next to the phone so that Juliette then finds out what’s going down. I wrote last week that Emily dropping that baby off said it all, but apparently Juliette’s a little slower on the uptake.

Same with Layla, who realizes that maybe Avery still loves Juliette because he peaces up outta there like the bed is on fire, giving Layla a gentle pat on the back as a thank you for the pork sesh. What a gent. Unfortunately for all of us, they have an adult conversation later (that Juliette spies on) and decide that even though Avery’s exit the morning after was preeetttyy insensitive, they should give this thing a shot. And Juliette decides to act maturely (why?) and tell Layla the truth about Jeff–they both cry but they’re still enemies in love with the same soul patch wimpster. Juliette also wishes aforementioned wimpster happiness. I’m guessing she understands what we all do, which is that Layla and Avery are a flash in the pan and will be broken up by series end. I’m saying series because I’m hoping, nay praying that this season will be the series finale.

In other news, Will gets some radio play and then gets shampoo in his eyes. And that’s the most difficult problem he has to face this episode. Just kidding, the world attacks him again for being gay and points the finger at Luke for having an agenda and trying to tell the American people what to feel. I think that’s what they were saying. I tuned out because it’s a repetitive story line. Either way, Luke is appearing left and right waving the rainbow flag while Will sits at home and wah-wahs again.

Speaking of ruining a good thing, Scarlett & Gunnar are in post-coital glow for about five minutes until the Rolling Stone reporter asks a bunch of questions about their history and digs up all their old shit. By the end of the episode, they’re barely speaking and are back to being “just the Exes.” Okay, you two, thanks for participating in will they or won’t they, we’ll see you in the same place next week.

And finally, onto all the people who suck. Maddie thinks being an adult is pulling your loose mermaid waves into an updo and donning a paisley smoking jacket, apparently. At the hearing for her emancipation, she pulls out the big guns and testifies that she doesn’t feel safe living in the same house as Deacon. Deacon is then called to the stand to testify on all of the people he’s beaten or killed in his lifetime (no biggie) all mouth-pieced from Frankie the jelly belly, who smugly watches from the back of the courthouse with his stupid tall hair. On what planet is it appropriate for a man over the age of 40 to have a pompadour? Don’t answer that. Cash should be embarrassed, especially if she’s trying to become famous.

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After day one of court, Rayna sobs in Maddie’s bed and meanwhile Deacon goes to chitchat with Frankie and ends up getting framed for beating his ass when Frankie the turd threw the first punch. PS Kelsea Ballerini sings Peter Pan and she’s awesome and all, but those few minutes when Frankie is hamming it up with his customers and singing along to her song were some of the funniest in this show’s history. Deacon’s seething at him from the corner of the bar and Frankie’s doling out hugs and swaying to a teen country star’s song about her ex boyfriend. All the awards for that performance.

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Then he ends up in the hospital with a broken nose and rib, and Deacon ends up in the slammer. I wonder if he’s near Teddy? Congrats Maddie on having both your dads in the big house. Rayna visits Deacon in jail and reminds him how G-D stupid he is. Ugh they’ve been married for 5 whole minutes do we really need to break them up this early? In Nashville plot, the answer is always yes. In the end, Maddie is granted emancipation and I’ve never felt the urge to punch a character in the face more. Especially when Cash hugs her and says “WE DID IT!” Cash you thirsty MF’er. You and Frankie with the erect hair need to GTFO. And that’s that.

 

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Baby Come Home”

 

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I realize this is almost a week late and I would apologize but I took all of last week off from blogging because I decided that I deserved it. On the bright side, I was vacationing in Nashville for the better part of last week and therefore we can count it as research. To which I will tell you that The Bluebird Café is not a lovely wooden bar with twinkly lights and celeb status, it is a hole in the wall located directly next to a McDonalds in the middle of nowhere and you are charged 3 extra fees just to sit inside it for 2 hours. *QUIETLY* So there’s some TV magic ruined for ya’ll.

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Anyway, since we’re talking about things ruined, let’s talk about how baby Cadence is the human form of a C-block. When Avery and Layla finally, no surprise to anyone, smooch on their tour bus of love, Cadence lets out a howl that says, “no one will be getting any on this bus.” Then later on, after Juliette tries her typical manipulation to get Avery onstage with her, she finally fesses up and tells him she still loves him and they should try again. At the pucker of Juliette’s lips, Cadence turns on the waterworks. Congrats you two, you created a monster. Avery found a quick way around that though when he has Emily drop the little cockblock off at Juliette’s room to signify that he’ll be having a slumber party elsewhere. Ugh. Terrible decision, Avery. Calling Juliette during sex would’ve been less mean than using your own child as a flag to wave that you’re getting laid.

In related “things that were obviously going to happen” news, Scarlett and Gunnar get stuck in an elevator because the show needed a small place for them to finally harness their sexual tension and face it head on. Their foreplay is whiskey and “If I Didn’t Know Better.” They bang and that’s obvious.

And onto our melodramatic teen that wants to, in Daphne’s sad, sad words “divorce her family”, we’ve added Teddy back into the equation, which I think is pretty lolworthy because a few recaps ago I mused if he even still existed. Lo and behold, here’s Teddy still rotting in jail, except now he’s being asked to sign off on the emancipation before Maddie takes it to court. Maddie visits her fake dad in jail and is all, Deacon attacked some guy at the club feeling me up, so you can see how unfair this is, sign the papers and side with me. Except not so fast…Teddy reveals he only signed Maddie to Edgehill because of the whole blackmailed for banging a hooker thing. Remember that? The thing that got him thrown in the clink to begin with? Well, it didn’t really help the whole lying/manipulating parents sitch, whoopsie, so Teddy has been dismissed from the show, probably forever.

On Rayna’s side, she gets to that little snake Cash and threatens her with, “I will make sure no one from music row to lower broad will ever work with you again.” Cash should be shaking in her boots because Rayna basically owns Nashville and also since I’m a recent tourist of the city, I know that those are actual neighborhoods there. Ask me where they are and I will tell you I have not a clue. At one point I discovered I was in music row because a new snapchat geo-tag showed up that said “Music Row”. I know, I’m a genius.

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Rayna catches Maddie at a vulnerable moment and thinks she gets her to call the whole deal off, then Maddie shows up last minute at the Opry to play with Daphne for a benefit. Except it turns out she didn’t LOVE what Rayna said to Cash and the emancipation is STILL ON. She only showed up to prove that Daphne and her are still sisters even though she’s bare-handed ripping this family apart. Everyone cries, including Rayna whose singing. I wouldn’t feel fab about paying for tix at the Opry and having the lead act cry onstage. PS I’ve been on that stage, NBD but KBD. Double PS, if you ever go to Nashville, skip the Opry backstage tour because it is literal dirt, and they wheel in a TV (substitute teacher style) with Deacon Clayborne on it to read the history of their soundstage. I see him every week on my TV; I don’t need to pay $35 for it. Alright, I’m done yapping about my life. See YA next week in court.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “Didn’t Expect It To Go Down This Way”

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Since I definitely lost sleep over whether or not our new minor character that’s only been in like 2 episodes is okay, let’s get this right out of the way. Riff told his wife he’ll be home when he’s “good and ready”, which is a mature adult thing to do. Then he’s admitted to a hospital for having a stroke, as a result of days of boozing, pills, Viagra, and sex. And the cherry on top of the disgusting sundae that is Riff’s extracurriculars, he was found and brought to the hospital by an escort. Well, well, looks like the family man and hot dad has a darker than drunk Deacon side to him. All because of tour life. SO I guess he’s out!

The Exes are still IN on tour with that devious AF country singer. New revelation: Autumn’s neighbor is James Taylor, of course and she uses it to lure Gunnar like she’s driving by a bunch of kids with a free candy van. Gunnar is like I LOVE JAMES TAYLOR and then she’s like k come BY YOURSELF and he realizes there’s a potential rape in the mix and says no thank you. Was that too aggressive to compare Autumn to a chomo? Probably. Do I care? Never. She also buddies up to Scarlett for a little spa day and so Gunnar’s like k, everyone’s friends so I guess it’s okay if I go to Autumn’s hotel room by myself.

Don’t call it a comeback but Juliette has breakfast with Glenn and Emily (because she pays them to be around her at all times) and she’s like, GANG’S ALL BACK TOGETHER! Avery decides to be bandleader to Layla’s tour and she promptly inserts her lips to his ass and gives him her bedroom on the tour bus, complete with crib. Except since Riff is now unconscious or whatever (some people just can’t handle strippers&blow, amirite?) there’s a headlining spot on the tour open, so Juliette obviously adds herself to the bill and is like hey ya’ll I’m BACK FO REALZ. LoVe TrIaNgLe.

Ya boy Will is having some love troubles surfing Grinder because he’s jelly AF that Kevin has been sharing Pinot with another man. He doesn’t have to swipe right for long because lo and behold there’s some man candy in his backup singers crew who won’t stop drooling over him. Obviously in cringeworthy events he invites him out for a beer thinking it’s a date and this guys is straight AF. LoLz dating faux pas. Backup singer also offers to hook Will up with his gay cousin, what a gent. And also kind of a moron. “Hey I know a gay person, you should mate!”

And last but certainly not least, Maddie’s such a wild child and a bad gurrrrl that she snuck right on out of the house before she could be punished for sexing it up onstage and getting a creeptastic leg caress. AND DAPHNE BLAMES HERSELF. That sweet, sweet cherub. Rayna rolls into Cash’s place guns blazing looking for Maddie and Cash is like check this out your hubs is SO aggressive and conveniently pulls up a quick vid. Rayna tosses her hair and tells Cash to suck it, or at least she should have because Cash deserves a good SUCK IT. After Rayna leaves Maddie comes out of her hiding place, how she could have ever hidden in time when Rayna rolled up that quick is TV MAGIC. Maddie wails about how her parents JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND HER and Cash is like k but your mom gave you a record deal… So the two of them put their idiot teenager heads together and decide to get Maddie emancipated so she can sign with Sony, become a preteen super star and shave her head/have a drug addiction by 18. Even better, Maddie’s probably going to live with Cash who’s like obsessed with her or something. Gr8 plan!!! But like, maybe if Deacon weren’t such an angry elf this all wouldn’t have happened.

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PS- total props for the Thomas Rhett cameo of singing the most romantic adorbsies song ever. Kind of makes up for all the name drops they throw around and don’t follow through on. Kind of.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “When There’s A Fire In Your Heart”

CONNIE BRITTON, ALICIA WITT

So it looks like our new faux country star Autumn Chase may hang around for more than one episode and whoopsie, secret’s out, she’s kind of a Twat. Within the first five minutes on tour, The Exes watch her fire a roadie in front of everyone. But in the NICEST way possible. She’s all we’re gonna go ahead and get you a flight back to Nashville…sorry! WHAT a DIVA. Then she bullies her new openers into spilling their relashe goss. They tell her everything because they’re terrified of getting fired and she obviously blabs it to anyone who will listen. Girls’ got a point though—in what world does a guy end up in a band with the girl who turned down his proposal. When Scarlett fearfully asks Fall Autumn to cut the shit, she’s like OF COURSE THANKS FOR SPEAKING UP #FEMINISM and then gets an evil look clearly growing her talons to insert into Gunnar.

Layla’s still trying to force herself on Avery but it’s looking like nice Juliette might swoop back in for the W after all. She goes to Avery for help when she realizes that asking for Glenn to be her manager again probably wasn’t going to erase all the terrible things she did to him. The ole married couple works together to get Glenn to the Grand Ole Opry where Juliette does a surprise serenade for her “father”. Nice Juliette is REALLY laying it on thick. It works, obviously and Glenn is like a sappy lil bitch agreeing to manage and dad for her again.

Maddie’s like so blasé about her first break up. It’s all good, Colt just wasn’t her guy, she wrote about it with Cash, so whatevs. It took me like six weeks to get over the crush I have on a hot bartender…but I guess that’s the power of songwriting. Except songwriting just isn’t enough for Maddie anymore. She wants to live her own Ind3p3nd3nt lifestyle so she decides to sneak out and play a show. Why? Oh, because Cash used to do it and she basically S’s her D. Daphne blackmails Maddie to get some new clothes out of keeping quiet except that she busts the secret like 20 minutes later when Deacon asks her to clean up after herself. Typs teen.

At the “coffeehouse” that Maddie’s playing at, she’s “21” for the night. Barf on barf. Let this episode serve as a PSA to all men out there. Before you take a chick home from a club…make sure she’s not 16. Speaking of, a random guy offers to buy Maddie a drink and she’s feelin herself—so much so that she decides to make F me eyes at said guy during her performance about being a bad girl. Do you think Rayna would give her a proud hug and tell her she’s growing up now? Methinks no. Mostly because a creeper grabs at her leg while she’s singing and Deacon appears to hulksmash him, announce her age and literally drag her offstage. SOCIAL SUICIDE. Seriously Maddie should just go into hiding after this one. It’s like when my dad dropped me off to visit my sister at college and told all of her friends to remember that I’m only fifteen. I don’t think they were going to forget anytime soon…I had braces. But the mere mention of it is a REAL buzzkill. Guess Maddie’s out on the club scene! Then Deacon tells Cash to stay the hell away from Maddie. Cash shouts a lot about not abandoning Maddie when she needs her. Is this relationship getting A LITTLE too intense for teen BFFS? Somethin ain’t right.

While Maddie is workin on her night moves, Rayna James is on the cover of Business Week for being a CEO of a company, and yet she admits that she doesn’t look at finances and spreadsheets for Highway 65. Killer CEO skills. She really just wants to go on tour so hard. Deacon declines a 10-day stint on the road in favor of fatherhood (whoa, one upper parenting, much?) At The Exes show Rayna wistfully looks at the full crowd and forces Autumn to bring her out onstage. In a sparkle star top, Rayna basks in the love of her fans and begs Bucky to let her hit the road again and forget about her business that’s barely surviving. You know, just for now. Wink, Wink. PS are we to assume Teddy is still rotting in jail? Just wonderin.

Ya boy Will has a record deal again but womp womppp he has to work with his ex Kevin to finish the record. Obvzzzz Kev has a new boyf and Will is all “we JUST broke up” Did they though? Because I feel like they broke up like 100 years ago. Was it even this season? Whatever, they loved each other and that’s that. (That’s definitely not that…they’ll probably get back togets.)

Uhhhh what else did I miss? Layla continues to annoy the shit out of me by manipulating every person over Jeff’s death. She lands a tour with Wheelin & Dealin because Luke is definitely the type of guy that gets reeeeall uncomfy around a crying girl and Layla knows that. She also knows that he’s covering up the truth about Jeff’s death but that’s neither here nor there. Since she’s still hard up for Avery (or Juliette revenge) she asks him out on tour with her as bandleader. OH YEAH….and RIFF IS MISSING ONE DAY BEFORE TOUR. GUITAR RIFF.

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “What I Cannot Change”

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It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for…Juliette’s back from post-partum rehab (fictionally and IRL) and she’s here to STAY. Maybe? Upon her homecoming she is offered a part in a Spielberg movie that films in Prague. Yeah, ok. Subpar country singer who’s known for being a real diva then disappears for two months gets offered a highly coveted Hollywood role. Yup, this adds up. Also let’s not gloss over this hot PR person she’s hired to cover up her vizzy to rehab. I suspect there will be more with him later and then he’ll disappear like every other new character. (Ahem, Vita.) Juliette sees Avery for the first time since ignoring her daughter’s trip to the hospital in favor of booze and pills and immediately asks for more time with their infant child that she used to hate with the fire of a thousand suns. Then she serenades Cadence with an original ditty (did she take voice lessons in rehab?) and Avery caves. She comes clean to the press, drops out of the movie and is rewarded with more tummy time with Cadence. Not for nothing, but she looks like a bangpiece at that press conference. Apparently rehab was good to her because the side braid, red lips and flower dress were killin it.

HAYDEN PANETTIERE

Someone who’s not so much killin it is Frankie, the sober bar owner that we’re supposed to care about and yet I can’t even muster up an aww when he “celebrates” his 15 years sober while probably drunk. (Due to being a jelly belly of Deacon.) He’s grumpy and he mumbles everything he says so I have a hard time sympathizing, but boy did I love it when he told Deacon, “You erased me the second you hung that sign out there with your dead sister’s name on it.” DON’T SPEAK ILL OF BEVERLY AROUND DEACON OR HE’LL INTRODUCE HIS FISTS TO YOUR FACE, BOY. JK they make up and Deacon admits that he’s been acting like a real Johnny-come-lately douchearoni to Frankie’s bar. Frankie is reminded to take his sobriety like I must take his unwanted storyline on this show, one day at a time.

Meanwhile, Colt calls Luke and is like, “hey long time no chat, can you sign a waiver so I can join the army? Kthxbyeeeee.” Luke drives out to the country to tell him no and Colt’s like whatevs I’ll do it when I turn 18 in a couple months anyway. Hey Colt, if you were months away from being legal, why did you ask your dad to sign the waiver in the first place? Be dumber. Luke tries to talk some sense into Colt about how terrifying it is to be overseas and be near an IED explosion and sassy Colt fires back with “Granddad said you were on a VIP convoy” LoLz. Shh, Luke. You’re coming off real stupid right now. But then, miraculously, it turns into a teaching moment. Colt enlists and Luke learns not to be afraid of the gays, so he signs Will again and apologizes for dropping him like a hot potato.

Rayna is trying to sell the new and improved Layla and she does that thing where they name drop to give viewers a wink wink nudge nudge and then decide on a fictional character to take Layla on tour instead. For example, OH DID YOU HEAR BACK FROM LADY A?! Yeah you’re right Bucky; Autumn Chase would be better suited for Layla. *Mostly because she doesn’t exist in real life country music. I’m also not loving the fact that they cast my most hated Hallmark holiday movie actress as the latest made up country star with a dumb name.

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At her showcase, Layla plays a lame song that everyone nods their heads right off to and the show ends with Rayna plugging her merch table. Snatch up those t-shirts ya’ll, you never know when someone might pity Layla and take her on tour, so you best be ready with 100% cotton! In another revelation that made me hate Autumn, she greets Layla with “Hey Gal.” Bye Gal. Naturally she watches the Exes play at the Bluebird, sees that they’re 1000x better than Layla’s guitar solo that’s comparable to Nick Jonas’ at the ACM’s and picks the duo to open up for her on tour. Saaarrryy Layla. Avery’s busy being superdad and orchestrating a mother/daughter reunion to answer her sobbing call. Oh, and also Vita’s still missing without a trace and FiNgeRz CroSsEd she’s never found. On the other hand, wouldn’t protest to a lot more Riff…or sex. I feel like no one on this show has gotten laid in a century. Might make their music better, jus sayin.

 

 

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “If I Could Do It All Again”

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As if it wasn’t enough that Vita and Riff were tossed into the Nashville mix last week, get yourself ready for a one episode appearance of Sienna. COME ON WITH THESE NAMES. Sienna is a single mommy who salivates over Avery at the park and they go on a date and make out a little bit. Everything’s fine and dandy until Avery spends their entire second date yip yapping about Juliette. I guess that’s a turn-off for Sienna so she’s out. She’ll go back to gossiping about how hawt Avery is with the other playground mommies and maybe toss in some deets about their mack sesh to make the others jelly.

Kind of like Layla, who could not BE more jelly of Avery dating someone. Cause she just thinks he’s like SUPER smart and SUPER creative. So obviously that means they should bang so she can get back at Juliette for killing her boyfriend or whatever. You know, normal stuff. She’s grinning from ear to ear when she finds out that it didn’t work out with Avery and his park biddy, so that’s still a thing that’s going to happen, I guess.

Our new shady friend Vita claims to Rayna that she would never steal, so we all Gucci. She’s definitely not shady at all because Rayna’s gullible AF. Don’t worry though because Frankie shouts at her later and she’s like yah I totes stole it but I was gonna pay it back I swear. Rayna has to let Vita go and then in attempts to create more drama surrounding this weird addition to the show, there’s an altercation at her car/home later! WHAT WILL HAPPEN WITH VITA? DO WE CARE? No.

The Colt and Maddie teen love saga also continues this week when Colt shows up with flowers because his Granddad says actions speak louder than words. If that’s the case, Maddie then hopping in the car with Cash and then bringing Colt as a third wheel to the Bluebird should speak volumes. While the three of them eat dinner, Colt’s like being a famous singer is for lames, my Granddad fought in Vietnam and he’s my hero. Maddie and Cash are like, but did your granddad get hits on his YouTube vid orrr? Turns out Maddie’s new bestie is a REAL c-block. She sings a song Maddie wrote about Colt getting all up in her pants, then says they have plans like forever so Maddie and Colt can’t hang & bang. They find some time anyway, to break up, but don’t worry because Cash is there to comfort Maddie (lesbehonest) and the army is there to comfort Colt, so he can be just like Granddad.

And for a quick update on my new fave DILF, Riff, it turns out one can’t just walk back onstage fifteen years later and crush it. Probably shouldn’t have hyped his return up so much, Luke. Riff’s a real dick about it and peels out to go to his kid’s soccer game. WHAT a badass. But finally, he can admit that he’s sucktown and ask for some training. He slays live because it’s super realistic for someone to learn vocals and guitar for a full set in mere hours. In other things I don’t really care about, Frankie’s real jealz that Deacon gets more attention and credit for The Beverly so when Riff calls Deacon up onstage, Frankie dramatically goes into the back room and hits the booze. Bye, bye Beverly!

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Nashville, Television

Nashville- “How Does It Feel To Be Free”

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Rayna and Deacon are supposedly country royalty, with I would assume quite a large net worth (more than Luke Wheeler, heyyooo) and yet they still didn’t honeymoon after their top-secret barn wedding? What kind of bullshit is this? These two couldn’t jet away from the paps and their whiny daughters for a couple of weeks in St. Barts? Nope, it’s just back to work for these two, which means taking down chairs at The Beverly for Deacon and sniffing out new weirdos to sign to her label for Rayna. Enter: new character Vita who has a unique voice and a criminal background. Deyna believes in her but they’re not THAT powerful because this sketchball ends up scooping some cashiche from the till after her first waitressing shift. Oopsie, not every shy woman is the next Sadie Stone..oh wait…she shot her husband. So maybe Vita IS the next Sadie Stone. Bonus points for originality.

While we’re on the topic of poverty, let’s talk about how Forbes dedicated a whole cover to how poor Luke is. WHEELS DOWN. Luke literally goes on a radio show to talk about his embezzlement. So that’s a new thing. Usually artists do interviews for promo press, Luke apparently does interviews so that a bunch of haters can call in to shout about how much he sucks. In order to sell tix again, Luke tries to spring Juliette out of rehab and plop her right back on tour away from her baby. Good call, Luke. Thankfully Juliette’s on lockdown and his plan doesn’t pan out. He runs into his ole pal from the road named Riff, yes that’s right, a DILF named Riff. TWO new characters—and weird names to learn in one episode!!! Whatever did we do to deserve this!? Riff remembers how down to earth Luke is and doesn’t think he’s a giant moron for not noticing the embezzlement of millions of dollas. Luke convinces Riff to hit the road with him and sorpresa—it’s about to be a family tour! Except Luke’s kids hate him, minor detail.

One of those kids, (weren’t there three at one point? Now we’ve whittled it down to 2 children he never sees) Colt would rather be a ranch hand than hear what Maddie ate that day via telephone. Although it may be easy to take Colt’s side on this because Maddie is preeeettty insufferable, the truth is finally set free about their pre-show fornication. Maddie confirms that they did the deed and now she’s sad because he’d rather shovel manure than do her. Cash(?), her writing pal, tells her to channel all those feels into a song and makes Maddie believe she’s an adult, which is pretty laughable. Sw33t harmonies though, until Daphne peers through the window with those sad left out eyes. Something tells me the Conrad sisters record deal ain’t gonn’ happen. Props to Maddie for dialing up Colt before it’s time to feed the pigs the slop, and demanding a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Someone who finally bucks up and gets the respect of Nashville is ya boy, Will. After taking a beer bottle to the schnozz from a hick who doesn’t LOVE gays, Will refuses to give a statement so the guy can be convicted of a hate crime. Instead, Will maturely uses his stage time to fight back. The next night, he buys the homophobe a drink and tells him AIN’T NOBODY GONNA STOP ME FROM SINGIN LIKE A BIRD! You get down with your bad self, Will. Sing it! Also, maybs ice your face a little more.

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Also, Avery and Juliette are officially D-town after he bullies her to make a public statement (without seeing her, because she’s supes fragile after being responsible for a death, and stuff.) The Layla pursuing Avery storyline progresses just as we expected and I hate it. They’ll be hooking up in 2 weeks time. What a devious twat that Layla is. Also, Scarlett catches roadie hoe Erin macking on some other dude and immediately tattles to Gunnar. He’s not really jelly about it so he cuts her loose and the Scarlett/Gunnar will they/won’t they dance continues, until this show gets cancelled. New twist: Scarlett dating the taxidermy creep. Oh, what crazy shenanigans these two get into. LAUUGHHHH!

 

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