Television, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette- Follow Your Heart, Your Male Intuition

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You know what might be fun for once? Starting an episode fresh and not fresh off of a stupid cliffhanger from the week before. But we can’t always get what we want and so here we are, a week later and Nick is still in the elevator. When he finally enters and greets the group of judgey eyes like they’re about to play a game of pickup basketball and not like he just weaseled his way onto their show, it goes swimmingly. The men are crammed onto one couch and tell Nick to state his case, obviously pretty threatened by this little baby duck in a skin-tight sweatshirt. Once Nick opens his mouth, however, there’s a collective sigh of relief as the boys hear Nick’s debilitating lisp. Nothing to worry about here, can’t have a villain with a lissssssp. Tanner calls him out for hanging with Andi recently (Tanner clearly has an US Weekly hidden under his pillow) and Josh gets a liiiiittle touchy about Nick calling Kaitlyn a cool chick instead of an AMAZING woman.

Cocktail Party @ Citi Field

JJ picks Kaitlyn up like she’s the daintiest bird and runs the bases with her, which would be the cutest thing in the world except that it’s JJ and he’s a douche nugget. Tanner uses the word “pussyfooted” while chatting with Kaitlyn. And Shawn goes all real talk on her ass and says Nick is full of shit. BOOYAH TEAM SHAWN.

Rose Ceremony: Justin, Cupcake, Jared, Ben H., BenZ, Shawn, Tanner, Joe, Ian, JJ, Joshua, Nick

“Let’s Take Our Love One Step At A Time”- Ben H.

The crew travels to San Antonio, TX because apparently they’re now a touring band of bros across the USA. Ben H. snags a one on one and Kaitlyn picks him up in a vintage Ford truck that she absolutely does not know how to drive but they make it seem like she does because, Hollywood. Joshua, the welder who struggles to put a coherent sentence together and calls tampons, “tampins” turns into the biggest jelly belly and lurks in the window as Kaitlyn and Ben get into the truck. It makes him miss his truck or his side hobby as a peeping Tom or something. Kaitlyn and Ben learn how to two step from a woman who met her husband two-steppin (Oh, Texas) and then get thrown into a dance competition later on…which is pretty par for the course on these dates. Learn something brand new then embarrass yourself in front of a crowd, ha-ha I’ll choose my future husband based on who doesn’t shit their pants! Anyway, not to brag but I learned how to two step while I was hammered with a true Texan at a country bar in Boston. So I’m probably a professional.

You know who else is a professional? Betty Jo, the 1000 year old woman whose five minute appearance will undoubtedly get her a reality show.

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Betty Jo is a shining star. Who needs teeth when you’ve still got your moves? She drags those bones all over the dance floor and tells Kaitlyn and Ben that dancing is love as she gives them a sagging wink. What a firecracker she was. Later on, Kaitlyn tries to get Ben H to open up so he sighs a whole lot and builds up how hard it is to say this… but his last girlfriend told him that he lost the chase. Ok, Ben, more two-steppin, less talkin. He gets rosed.

Group Date: “I Love A Man in Uniform”

Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, BenZ, Joshua, Nick

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A cocky lil bitch named Mr. Steal Yo Girl Sebastian serenades Kaitlyn and is like I just melted Kaitlyn’s panties with my singing, try to keep up, boyz. They all have to write and perform mariachi songs….cause embarrassment. STOP MAKING THEM SING, KAITLYN. IT’S PUNISHMENT FOR ALL OF US. Anyway, there’s a lotta room for accidental racism here and I nearly rubbed my hands together with glee. Joshua uses his songwriting time to glare at Nick and plot his murder while Ian uses this time to brag about how he’s a Grammy-winning singer. During the performances, Justin thankfully tucks his swooping comb over under a sombrero and also uses an Italian accent while singing…nailed it. JJ becomes the guitar guy at a party and brings out his acoustic only to mess up the chords. Ian chokes so hard with his whisper singing that JJ is redeemed. And finally, Nick takes Kaitlyn to the balcony to serenade her and works “erection” into his tune. Even Tanner had to give him props for that. Boner jokes. Respect.

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Later in a church barn (no, really) Josh is like “hey Kaitlyn, you’re a barber right? Cut my hair while everyone else waits inside.” Barber and dancer are the same thing, right guys? No seriously, did I miss the part when Kaitlyn tells everyone she’s a barber? Kaitlyn proceeds to buzz a hole in Josh’s head and all the boys laugh at him. Justin says Josh’s hair looks like it went through the wood chipper and is a little rough. Let me reiterate that for you…this guy:

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judged another man’s hair. Then Nick walks in on Josh talking shit and he does that thing that girls do when they get caught where they just abruptly stop talking and go, “yeah….so that’s it.” Josh tells Nick he hates him but he doesn’t know why, and Nick’s like Ok, cool.

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Josh takes one look at Nick’s fluffy hair and gets pissed off again about his shitty haircut so he stomps into the church with Kaitlyn to teach her and God about his male intuition. Apparently it’s a thing guys have when they hate someone but they can’t pinpoint what they hate about them. Josh declares everyone hates Nick but nobody wants to be that weasel to throw somebody under the bus like he has been this ENTIRE season. (i.e. Tony, Clint, JJ, Nick…get a hobby, bruh.) This isn’t Kaitlyn’s first rodeo (Texas pun, lawls) dealing with a bunch of lying turds so she calls Josh out in front of the whole group and Josh hops right onto that welded bike of his and starts backpedaling as fast as he can. The rest of the crew throws him over the bus and drives over him and his stupid haircut until he stops dribbling dumb. Nick gets the rose (in front of Josh) because he’s here and put himself and his tongue out there, while I just wish he would put his tongue away, permanently.

Kayaking One on One with Shawn

Kaitlyn may give us a lot of cringe worthy dates, but we can’t say she doesn’t know how to make it up to us. I present you with, a date that Shawn has to take his shirt off for. Excuse me while I mop up the puddle of drool that I could probably kayak through. While staring at his washboard abs, Kaitlyn confesses that she loves his voice and his smell then quickly stops herself and says she’s getting creepy. Girlfriend, he’s on the show for you…sniff away! While paddling down a river Kaitlyn compares Texas to Europe and I’m willing to bet this is the first time in history that comparison has ever been made. Ah yes, this dirty river and rental kayaks accompanied with the smell of barbecue really remind me of the rolling hills in Tuscany.

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At their bonfire in the evening, Shawn and Kaitlyn cuddle up and talk about how happy they are, making it a perfect time for Shawn to talk about the time he almost died in a car wreck a few years ago. Apparently his car flipped a bunch and a cop told him he shouldn’t have survived, no biggie, but today was really fun!!! (Side bar: Buckle up, kids.) Shawn sheds some man-tears and I tried to wipe them up but my TV got in the way and he told me Kaitlyn that he’s falling in love with her. She says samesies and he kisses her like a real man and doesn’t try to clean her sinuses like Nick probably would have done. There’s a rose and fiyaworks and we can just end the series here because it’s obvious who our winner is.

Cocktail Party 2.0

Not the kind of show to let a good thing happen without a whole load of bullshit, next up we have Ian in the long train of guys who think they’re better than Kaitlyn and have no business being on this show. I for one, hope he’s bringing up the caboose on that train because this shit is getting exhausting to watch. Our boy Ian, who if you recall, was pretty much obsessed with Kaitlyn when he arrived, decided that he’s soooo over being ignored because he’s a Princeton grad and a former model and oh yeah he DEFIED death. In efforts to clinch the spot as next Bachelor, he announces casually that he’d prefer to be the next Bachelor. Signed, sealed, delivered I think we’ve found him. In other relevant things, Kaitlyn is not nearly as hot as Ian’s ex-girlfriend, so obviously this makes him better than her…he also has a lot of sex so HA. Ian confronts Kaitlyn and complains about guys who make fart and poop jokes, That’s it. That’s the last straw. GET OUTTA HERE, IAN. He continues to be a jerk and obviously this whole thing is to be continued because we accept the rose ceremonies we think we deserve. And this week, we only deserved one.

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