Tag Archives: Andy Cohen

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of February 10th, 2020

1. I LIKE A CELEBRITY BABY NAME!

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TR and Lauren had their third girl and named her Lennon Love Akins and I WHOLEHEARTEDLY approve. It’s so rare that a celebrity couple chooses a name that isn’t completely outrageous and makes me want to shout how stupid they are, so I wanted to take a beat on this Valentine’s Day to say that I love Lennon Love. And you know they’re going to call her Lennon Love because they’re southern and they call their other kids Willa Gray and Ada James in their cute ass southern accents. Lennon Love is going to be a singer and she won’t even need to make a stage name. Mark my words, I’m calling it.

2. Wedding Scam.

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Love stories come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes people fall in love and get married and live happily ever after and sometimes people date in the 80’s and break up, then 35 years later get married for 12 days. I couldn’t not blab about this story because it made me laugh a whole lot. We get a random headline a couple weeks ago about Pamela Anderson marrying Jon Peters, even though no one knew they were dating. It’s written as one of those classic time went by but they never stopped loving each other spin, which we all know is complete bullshit but everyone is like OH how sweet. Even when you’re 74 you can get married to a piece half your age and call it love and say you’ve been pining for her all your life even though you had several other marriages and were actually engaged recently to another woman. But it was like a blip in the radar and I read it and was like hm that’s weird and kept it moving. I also had to google who Jon Peters was. Folks, he’s a rich man. He produced A Star is Born (all the versions). Pamela….not so much. Ever since her Baywatch days and being in the very public, very unhealthy relashe with Tommy Lee, it’s been a pretty steady downhill drop for ya gurl Pammy. Well, Pam and Jon ended their marriage 12 days later and then THE REAL JUice COMES OUT. Pam knew this old perv always had a thing for her and reconnected with him, got him to pay off her massive debt, waited for the wire transfer to clear and then broke up with him over a text. If that ain’t a classic love story, I don’t know what is. According to Jon himself, “there’s no fool like an old fool.” Also if Lifetime doesn’t turn this into a movie I will be V. disappointed.

3. J Baby.

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This is low on the list, when normally it would be #1 because the Jonai themselves have yet to confirm it’s true. And you KNOW I hate reporting celebrity gossip that isn’t People official. So even though everyone is talking about it like it’s facts, we might have a real Kylie Jenner secret pregnancy on our hands here if we don’t get confirmation soon. That of course, didn’t stop me from scooping my sister and BFF the second I saw the news broke on twitter. I had recently been scooped on the Bella Twins pregnancy and I was out for Scoop Revenge. And you know what, I can honestly tell you it’s a high unlike any other. Why do drugs when you can scoop people on celebrity gossip? Unfortunately because it hasn’t become official yet, I was forced to enter into a deal with the devil if it turns out to be a rumor:

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As you might recall, I reported on Post Malone’s facial bleeding saw tattoo last week and apparently it opened a whole can of worms because in the 7 days since that’s happened, 3 more headlines appeared of celebrities getting face tattoos. And I’m genuinely wondering what I’m missing here. You have an entire body to ink up, WHY TOUCH THE FACE?! Leave the face out of it! But I digress, the point is, if Sophie Turner is not pregnant, I have to get a face tat and I’m ok with my odds here but also I might just need to turkey baster some sperm into her to be extra sure. Where’s the Jonas Bros next tour stop? Just wondering. Ok but anyway, my real opinion on the matter other than the fact that I scooped it hard is that I’m surprised it took this long for a J Baby. Honestly thought Pri Pri would be first because she is much older but I wouldn’t count out her announcing next month because she seems to be the real ringleader of the J Sisters movement and the other two are kinda just like yeah we’re sisters by marriage let’s relax a little. So we could have double Jonas babies this year and it wouldn’t shock me at all. Related to this topic but not really…Priyanka grammed this throwback yesterday and do I need to have my eyes checked or is this 100% not a photo of her? Discuss amongst yourselves and report back.

4. Boy Band Newz.

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Lance Bass has always been a man of the N*SYNC groupies, giving us breadcrumb stories from the good ole days, going on throwback 90’s pop tours and I just generally get the feeling that because he’s openly gay, he truly understands how important a first boy crush is to an overdramatic pre-teen heart. Also, he starred in N*SYNC classic On the Line, which should never ever ever be forgotten because it was not only a great rom-com but it had original N*SYNC tunes in it.

You can treat yourself to that LB classic first as a little pre-game to the movie Lance has just announced got picked up finally and will be released sometime soon? That part is unclear, I’m guessing it’ll end up on a streaming service, but either way, I’m jazzed. The premise of the movie is based on a true story when two girls won a Winnebago on The Price Is Right and then used that Winnebago to follow N*SYNC around the country on their tour, creep groupie style. Lance has described the movie as a cross between Girls Trip and Pitch Perfect. Honestly, I don’t care about the girls I just want all the N*SYNC nostalgia in the world. Make it happen, Lance. I believe in you.

Meanwhile in rival world…BSB is touring this summer and therefore they’re currently doing their press rounds, so we got this gem from Watch What Happens Live:

Bless BSB for knowing that the lyrics mean nothing if you hit dem high notes. DON’T WANNA HEAR YOU SAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY. PS last year they played this at a wedding of a couple I had never met and I found it to be incredibly disrespectful to NOT hit that high note and give it my all even though the dance floor was completely empty and needless to say it was not well received.

5. Hot Bod PSA.

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Jennifer Aniston turned 51 this week and this last piece is just a droolworthy appreciation of America’s Sweetheart still killin it like she’s never aged a day in her life. Also a small part of me wanted to point out how babe soda she still is to prove to everyone that she don’t need no mans and she ESPECIALLY don’t need no cheating mans, so stop shipping her and Brad because them getting back together would be the dumbest thing on this earth and Jen is no dummy.

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RHOBH, Television

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- Reunion Part One

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Ah, the first day of the reunion, where we’re eased into the crazy that’s about to ensue. Andy politely and awkwardly greets everyone, making sure to comment on their physical appearances that they paid someone a large sum to create on them. In a quick fashion highlight reel, Eileen has crimped hair, LVP is wearing the glitter Tom Ford number that Erika wore all season in her interviews (original, LVP) and Kyle has decided that a reunion is an approps time to let her areolas hang loose. Also Andy’s compliment to Yolanda was “You look well.” I feeeeeel like that’s no better than telling someone they look tired. Hey you looked like shit all season and everyone noticed it, but you look WELL today.
Then we kick things off with love for my girl Erika and I eat that shit right up. Quickest way to get me sucked in for the whole episode? Start with a brief pat the puss tutorial. If I weren’t watching this episode so early in the morning I probably would’ve jumped out of my chair and practiced with Erika like it was a dirty version of Darryn’s Dance Grooves. Gonna need a full DVD tutorial stat. Even better, if Erika could just fly out to Saratoga for my sister’s bachelorette party and teach us some of her famous moves, it would save me from having to book a pole dancing class and would be a lot more fun. Gimme a ring, EJ. Feel free to bring Mikey and the glam squad too. Speaking of Mikey and the boys, Erika admittedly spends an obnoxious amount of money a year on these bros to keep them on retainer. Tom (the same man who told his wife not to speak out of turn at dinner) just signs the checks, without asking why it was necessary to fly 5 men out to Dubai with her so that her face could be painted for dinner and a mohawk created for a desert dune buggy ride.

True to Erika Jayne’s most recent #1 hit (realistically #75 on the dance charts) she gives 0 F’s when a probably middle-aged housewives viewer took time to carrier pigeon a letter to Andy that basically read, “aren’t you too old to be writhing around onstage?” And Erika was all, “Mary, I’m so sorry that you’ve given up in life but I have not.” BURN CITY, Population: Mary. Hey Mary, never show your name near Bravo again because you just got FACED.

In much less important and kewl reunion news: Kyle swears she didn’t buy those ugly rose gold sunnies that were marked at a casj 50 grand, so everyone GET OFF HER CASE and stop comparing her to Dana and her $25,000 shades. On the bright side, rewatching that clip really made me long for RHOBH seasons past. Dana was the puuurrrfect asshole character. Let’s bring her back.

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While we’re kind of on the topic of Kyle, let’s address that she demanded no one speak of Faye because she didn’t sign up for this and doesn’t deserve to be discussed. So does Faye just appear on the show for roughly 6 episodes a season for free, or…? Kathryn tries to say her peace about OJ and Faye’s famewhoring book deal off of a brutal public murder and Kyle is like THAT IS ENOUGH. Kyle even doubles down and says that when Faye used monotone to tell Kathryn she looked beautiful in order to end a fight at dinner, she really meant it. Diiiid she though? Kyle then became dead to me when she said she refused to watch Connie Britton’s performance of Faye. You don’t speak against the church of Connie Britton unless you want to feel the wrath of her hair.

In weird fun facts about Yolanda’s health that in no way whatsoever doubt her lyme disease: she has a palette in her butt that disperses hormones. It’s from her “healthcare advisor” Daisy, of course. So for all you truthers who were unsure of Daisy’s authenticity as a medical professional, she inserted something in Yolanda’s butt. So do with that what you will.

And for the “cliffhanger” of this week, Rinna and LVP begin their faceoff about the ever so beaten to death Munchausen’s theory. Scary Rinna comes out to play and she brings with her a book of telephone records. Is this a thing? Is Rinna suddenly Magnum PI? I didn’t even know it was possible to still obtain phone records but here we are with highlighted sheets of paper to prove that LVP called Rinna and put her up to the whole Munchausen’s thang. And Rinna’s like yeah, I did it. One adult calls another and tells her to bring something up on a TV show to create a storyline and the other one’s like yeah okay, then probably hits record for evidence. Is this Days of Our Lives? Are they auditioning to guest star on Eileen’s soap like Erika did? I’m so confused. Yolanda isn’t and peaces on out of that bitch because two Lisa’s were plotting against her on TV. So that’s a little odd. Tune in next week to see if they get Yo to come back out (she’s contractually obligated…) and watch Kim crawl back for unhealthy TV therapy.

 

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 11/2/15

1. Ohhhhhhh, ah, ahhhhhhhhh this is ALLL THATTT, this is ALLLL THAAATTT. The OG cast of ALL THAT! reunited recently at Comikaze and I didn’t recognize anyone but Laurie Beth Denberg and Kel soooo yiiikkkeessss. But they were really excited to be famous again for a hot second and they all sang the entire theme song, originally done by TLC of course. Some of them also made an appearance at Comicon in October to throw it back to their famous characters and tell stories from back in the day so it will only be a matter of time until someone ships an All That official reunion or revival. One person we know won’t be joining in is Amanda Bynes, for obvious reasons. Also it’s been 20 years since the premiere of All That so bye, I’m ancient. I sincerely hope that piece of JUice was vital information for your every day life.

2. Say Hello To Your Friends…Babysitters Club. 

I feel like there will never be a week where I don’t include 90’s reunions because it’s all the rage these days. Sarry not sarry bout it that the 90s were the shit. Your favorite kid-loving, business-minded girlies reunited in Austin, TX this week. Why? Oh, cause it’s also their 20th anniversary….woo00oooff. They all cuddled around each other and reminisced on the days when they spent a whole summer playing with snot-nosed kids. Who would ever choose that. But anyway, noticeably missing was Claudia–did they freeze her out because she almost didn’t pass that science test? (The brain, the brain, the center of the chain.) The girls are seen cozying up to Cokie Mason, so I guess they settled their differences with her. More importantly what does Logan look like now? Is he still a dreamboat. So many questions, most will never be answered. Oh, awkward, I guess one of my questions was just answered by the below tweet. HOW DO YOU LOSE A HUMAN?

3. Jason Derulo is on even when he’s hungover. 

Leave it to Jason to be clubbin it up until 6am and still be on fire with energy and charisma the next day. James Corden takes singers out for carpool karaoke every once in a while and it’s pretty much always hilarious but it’s not a secret that I have a monster crush on Jason Derulo and if you also do, then this 10 minute video is must-see-TV. When I’m in my car alone I like to refer to it as a concert and you better believe I’m hitting every high note. When someone else joins me in the car I immediately tone it down to whisper singing obviously because they haven’t paid the proper admission for my angel octaves. The fact that James Corden is driving with the actual singer of the music he’s listening to and he’s not holding back is awesome. No shame. Except for maybe those orthopedic sneaks he’s rocking during the dance scene.

4. Good news for your whiny emotional 13 year old self.

Good Charlotte is making a comeback. It’s possible that you might be thinking they have a more mature sound now that they’re both married adults, one with two children. Nope they sound exactly the same as the two whiny bitches who sang about murdering a girl’s boyfriend so they could be together. If you ever went through an emo punk rock phase in middle or high school you will rejoice in their new song. Here’s a peep at the chorus: “Like I’m dying tonight and the whole world is laughing, like everyone I love has gone away.” It’s such a shame that AIM doesn’t exist anymore because that would be a perfect away message for a rainy day…ending of course in LIFE’S A BITCH AND THEN YOU DIE. If you’re feeling like you might be a little too old and more emotionally well-adjusted with life to join Good Charlotte on their second musical journey, feel free to look back on the top angsty hits of your past years with my killer playlist here!

5. RHOBH New Season is Upon Us. 

And the most interesting part about this trailer is Gigi Hadid & Joe Jonas canoodling. No. Seriously. Not even Andrea Bocelli announced in YoYo’s fabulous accent could distract from the 1 second of teenage superstar interaction. Since everyone wanted to murder Brandi and her only ally on the show went back into rehab, we are down two characters which means of course that we will have two separate staged “hey thanks for coming over everyone, I want you to meet my friend blah blah blah, I think she will get along great in our group.” One would think after so many different cities and season of the Housewives franchise, Andy would have found a better way to assimilate new cast members into the group they’re being paid to hang out with on camera, but whateva. I will be recapping until I want to stab my eyes out. At least I still have my girl Yo to keep me sane.

BONUS: Becky & Jesse are forever the cool aunt & uncle.

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- Reunion Part 3

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You know how this has been three excruciating weeks of a bunch of people who hate each other sitting on couches shouting how much they hate each other? Yeah let’s lighten things up with a montage where everyone touches Kyle’s rack and she shimmies it all over the joint. NICE TRY, Bravo. This still SUCKS. No, no don’t change the channel–let’s discuss how Kyle’s afraid of the word pussy but she’s certainly not afraid of asking how Rinna grooms her downstairs. As if I didn’t force that moment out of my memory the second it happened, a pervy reader wrote in LEGITIMATELY asking what kind of hairstyle Rinna’s lady curtains are sporting these days. Rinna confirms that she DOES in fact trim, much to Harry’s disgust because as Kim so soberly put it in the show, Harry likes it hairy. That’s why Kim got paid the big bucks to do Diving with the Stars, for her original wit and humor. In other vagina related news, Brandi’s still takes an occasional pounding from the 23 year old mover she hired to carry her boxes and then unpack one box in particular, WINK. They only get together when he’s on break from college, though or like when he doesn’t have a paper to write…

Ok enough with the LOL’s about mom’s vaginas, it’s time to hate each other again. Kim is asked if she’s talked to Rinna and squashed beef since the show and Kim theatrically pulls out her iPhone and begins reading text messages from Rinna that she obviously archived specifically for this shining moment. She probably also emailed them to herself and wrote them in her diary, you know, for backup. Rinna threatens Kim in these texts and calls her an ugly, disgusting person and after Kim reads them all aloud like she’s Miss Kimmy reading a children’s book at the library, Rinna bursts into tears. Apparently Rinna was always shushed growing up and it has had a long lasting effect on her so Kim had silenced her too many times and she blew up via angry texts. Kim and Brandi immediately start Team Victim and claim that Rinna has anger issues and they’re terrified she’s going to batter them, drinking up Rinna’s tears with two straws like the milkshake that none of them could finish in the scavenger hunt. Suddenly Red Rover, Red Rover, send Eileen on over, girl can’t even stand sharing the same couch as these two villains so she shoots right over and sits in Rinna’s lap to comfort her. Brandi whispers to her partner in crime to just drop it because Rinna is obviously crazy and Kim puts a serene look on her face much too quickly for her to be a sane person and says ok I’m sorry, Rinna, fight’s over and gives Rinna the boniest hover-hug I’ve ever witnessed. Andy wins quote of the night when he says to Kim, I’m wondering why you’re laughing at her tears.” EVERYONE is wondering this, Andy, but NO ONE will question it or fear the wrath of sociopath Kim and her sidekick Brandi.

And for the last time (should be ever but definitely will not be) we delve into the hyper-complicated, needs years of therapy and probably a few Xanax, issues between the sisters Richards. I like to make jokes about these ladies because they subject themselves to reality TV and then generally act like assholes but I can’t even make jokes about this because it’s actually just gotten sad. These two need actual help and need to stop throwing it up on TV. Apparently Kim’s approach to this reunion is to mention that a lot of things have transpired off camera and she does not wish to discuss them today. Kyle’s like whatevs I’ll talk about them and tells the story of how Kingsley bit Kyle’s daughter on Halloween and apparently she Instagrammed a  pic from the hospital but never referenced Kim or her dog as the cause for the trip. Well fans of the show have seen what a nightmare of a dog Kingsley was and used the brains that we don’t normally use while watching this train wreck of a show and figured it out all on their own. Kim loses her shit because a Valencia filter on a hospital pic ruined her family and her life and Kyle’s like well my daughter almost lost her hand and was hooked up to an IV for three weeks. Kim gets nasty and says that it was just a bite and that Kyle is now resurfacing this and making it worse, what’s making it better in my opinion is that post-production added in the actual instagrams that Kyle posted and it’s quite a nice touch to be able to cut to those while the sisters Richards are both screaming that each of them is a mean person and everything is SO PAINFUL and they’re sick of it and they both threaten to leave but don’t move an inch. Kim gets her “scary voice” (according to Rinna) and starts up again with the threats to tell the REAL story of what happened apparently involving Kyle not giving her daughter the antibiotics for two days thus causing the almost hand-amputation incident. So I guess all that blubber about not discussing stuff on camera was something Kim really wanted to stick to. Oh just kidding, she reverted back to that when Andy asked where Kingsley is now and she sketchily replied that he’s with a trainer but then crossed her fingers as she said it and when pressed on the topic shouted KINGSLEY IS OFF LIMITS JUST LIKE MY CHILDREN, HE’S LIKE A SON TO ME. So clearly Kingsley is stowed away in Kim’s house and Kim is host of a house containing a rabid, vicious dog and a dying ex husband who shares pills with her. And there you have it, a lifetime of issues bubbles into the silent treatment between two sisters because Kyle ‘grammed something and Kim didn’t “like” it. Lisa jumps in with a touch of wisdom in crazy town to say that things need to be resolved so that these two don’t look back on their lives and wonder why they weren’t there for each other at milestone moments. Brandi declares she’s washing her hands of this mess and they need to fix it because she never meant to break up a family.

In closing, Andy asks everyone how they’re feeling and the responses are depressing AF. Kyle’s sad, Kim’s sad, Eileen is like yeah maybe we shouldn’t talk about my contract for next season just yet, Rinna’s like NO RAGRETS (Tim Riggins style) and Lisa is sad for Kyle and Kim. What a downer, Andy…we couldn’t have ended with the nipple touching montage? Geeze. Since unlike Bravo, I don’t like to exhaust viewers with awful fighting and then end with the feeling that I wasted days of my life watching the lives of these women unravel on national TV, I’ll end with a funny. At one moment in the reunion, Kyle admits that in a rage blackout she doesn’t even remember double birding her sister and screaming FU at a party and Kim takes this moment to give an aside to Eileen, “yeah that’s totally what happened to me in Amsterdam when I called you a beast, lawls, I didn’t even remember doing it sorry!!” And Eileen threw her SUCH a look it was a light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel that was this season. Eileen may wear bucket hats and tinted shades, but she will NEVER let you get away with such a bullshit excuse. Also, Rinna wins the crown for most F bombs in a season and sassily tells Brandi (who she ripped the honor from) “I’ll put a crown on my 20 year old hairdo.” And with that, I put a crown on this season. No, scratch that…crowns are for winners and this season was a loser. I put the opposite of a crown on this season. It went from 0 to 100 real quick and it became a chore to tune into the dark, deep fights that happened every time they were socialized. Fingers crossed they switch up the cast next season (Kim/Kyle/Brandi should be the first to get tossed) or I might have to move my talents onto another city. Just kidding, all Bravo really needs to do is bring back Camille and I’d probs be all in again. Final offer. And for those wondering if I’ll be recapping their plea for more views, next week’s Secrets Revealed epi, I’ve seen my fair share of secrets this episode and I’m hashtag over it. This is my final Bev Hillz Recap. Try not to miss me TOO much.

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#NeverForget

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- Reunion Part 2

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Do you hear what I hear? The chorus of Shut the F Up’s and F You’s all at a screeching decibel! Are we observing the bathroom line at a seedy club? Nope, just week two of the Housewives reunion. I’m gonna be up front with you guys, because that’s what I do best…this shit is getting exhauuuuusting to watch. Fortunately, Rinna knew that and provided some much needed hands in the air dance moves this week to keep me sane.

Speaking of Emmy’s let’s talk about Eileen and why she felt it was necessary to point out how normal and great her life is every time there wasn’t an opportunity to. We kick things off with an obnoxious montage of Eileen talking about her Emmy, and like soap operas and stuff. Andy tongue in cheek points out how different it must’ve been to do Housewives, har-har. Throughout the rest of this installment, Eileen tells us that her husband assures her she’s not a home wrecker, she’s a homemaker, cause she has a GREAT family and she’s BFF’s with his ex-wife. Her sons have been doing their own laundry and DISHES since they were 13. When Rinna is asked about her humble upbringing, Eileen is quick to jump in, twirl her hair and say well, Andy, I also had a humble upbringing. No one really cared so she then shouted, I drive…I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS. (Fans of Best of Will Ferrell SNL will get that one) JK she drives a Ford Flex, but she mind’s well have told the ladies that she drives a windowless rape van by the way they reacted to this, especially Lisa who owns 3 Bentley’s just to look at. Moral of the story is that Eileen has an Emmy and you bitches don’t.

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There’s more Brandi vs. Eileen and the rehashing of the wine toss…yawn. Brandi is still just hurling insults with no legs to stand on, Eileen drops to her level for a second and throws an F-U her way and seriously do Emmy-winning actresses talk like that? I hope Vincent washed her mouth out with homemade soap later (get it…cause like she’s a homemaker, not home wrecker.)

This fight escalates into including everyone, as it is known to do and suddenly switches to a Brandi vs. Rinna battle. Apparently Rinna jokingly said Brandi dressed like a trashy mom (valid) and Brandi fires back with a dig about Rinna having the same hairstyle for 20 years (also valid). The best part about this whole exchange is that Andy loses his I’m going to pretend to take these stupid problems seriously for one more hour facade and bursts out laughing. All it takes is a well placed hair joke to get Andy to crack. I don’t hate it. I also don’t hate Rinna launching off the couch wiggling those bony hips of hers, throwing her fists in the air and yelling to Brandi that she’s the biggest F’ing double standard she’s ever seen in her life and then flipping the double bird. She also sets the record for most times someone can use the word baby in a condescending way and owns up to never changing that feathered mom hairstyle of hers. She’s proud of it, baby. Rinna wins the reunion.

The outright L7 Weenie’s of the reunion are Brandi and Kim who spitfire a bunch of lies and then promptly are proven wrong by that ole thing called evidence in the form of YOU WERE ON A TV SHOW AND WE FILMED EVERYTHING YOU SAID. Kim recants her tale of Poker Night and it’s basically all completely wrong, she also says she took the pill because she had bronchitis/pneumonia for 6-8 weeks. Ummmm, methinks if you’re sick for almost 2 months it’s probably time to see a doc. And this is coming from someone who avoids doctors…Anyway, Kim thought they were offering her pizza on poker night to trap her to acting like a slob kebab in front of the cameras, everyone hurls F bombs at each other, Kim tells Rinna to go eat and Rinna demands to know what the dirt is on her husband. She once again asks if he banged the dog–time to find your chill on that, Rinna. Kim said she would never slander anyone, but she heard something in the rumor mill about Harry so it’s like obviously true. Andy forces Kim to apologize to Eileen for calling her a beast otherwise she won’t get any ice cream after dinner. She throws a sorry Eileen’s way and Andy is pleased until she firmly declares she will never apologize to Rinna. Kids these days.

Rounding out this week’s hot mess of shouting, Kim and Kyle start in on their 500 years of issues (to be continued next week), Kim compares Kyle to Kathy once again…to which Rinna interrupts, “is Kathy God?” HOW DARE YOU QUESTION GOD’S EXISTENCE IN KATHY HILTON, RINNA. And apparently Kim disinvited Kyle to her daughter’s wedding, Kyle starts the waterworks talking about how much she loves her nieces and then completely UNPROVOKED shouts “YOU’RE SO F-ING MEAN, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.” Thank you, Kyle, thank you for being you.

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RHOBH, Television

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills- Reunion Pt. 1

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We’ve gathered everyone in a room without alcohol, but then we added in a saaasssssyyy Andy Cohen, so it pretty much equals out again as a recipe for disaster. Let’s begin part 1 of 3 whole hours of rehashing fights we’ve seen 19 episodes of this season, shall we? I’m just going to go ahead and break it down by feud to keep things succinct if you don’t mind.

Kyle vs. Kim

This battle reignites when Andy asks if Brandi and Kim are still in touch and Kim replies YES and Kyle replies with a MEAN side eye. It suddenly comes tumbling out that Kim and Kyle have not resolved their differences and also casj haven’t spoken in three months. “We have a few things to work on,” Kim tells everyone in America as if she’s breezily saying she loves turtles, YEAH WE GOT THAT, KIM. Kim’s like REALLY happy not talking to Kyle though and Andy gives her the best WTF face I think I’ve ever seen. Kyle says when they do finally speak she only wants to have honest conversations. There’s obviously a lot going on here that will probably come to a head in part two or three when we address Kim’s dog going apeshit on Kyle’s child. My only concern was WHERE WAS KATHY when this happened? I’m guessing she wasn’t present because if she was, it wouldn’t have gone down.

Yolanda vs. Lyme Disease

My main squeeze Yo-Yo has relapsed with the Lyme again and she’s clearly struggling, she gets emosh talking about it and then talks about her South Korean treatments and taking it day by day and says she won’t be able to stay very long because her brain is very jumbled at the moment. I’m not actually making fun of any of this because she’s clearly not doing so hot and also she’s a classy broad full of wisdom and not Chardonnay. Plus she managed to get out of the rest of the reunion, and that act in itself deserves a bow.

A holy montage of Yo playing peace maker all season long is then shown. She says she lives life with an open heart and no judgments… and great clothes, obviously. When everyone wants to know why she keeps defending Brandi, Yo gives us a nice little nugget when she says, “I think it’s easy for all of us to just kick her to the curb like a bag of trash.” TRUTH. But she still stands by her and says she needs love and support. Kim jumps in to tell everyone that she forgave Brandi, so it’s possible. Thanks, Kim, pls return to your coma now. The convo spins back around to Bella’s DUI because when you’re on a TV show and you get a DUI, people don’t forget, Bellz. A viewer calls Yo out for punishing her by setting her up in a deluxe apt in NYC and Yo responds, “I don’t think her carrying her furniture on her back is going to teach her not to drink and drive.” PREACH. Finally Yo wants to retire to bed because she’s taken enough shrill yelling for the rest of her life, and she sums up this season in a way that I would never ever ever in a million years think but Yo is Queen and so she gets away with it. She says everyone meshed together and the dream team lives on…“Life is very lonely, we all need a team, we all need to look out for each other.” And with that, she retired to her California King to slip on a white lace nightgown and dream of peacefully living in a windmill with her cute but forgotten former lover.

Rinna vs. Kim (The Battle of the Thirsty Has-Beens)

Rinna is asked by a viewer how much she made for the Depends ad because she had previously claimed it was the most she’s ever made on any appearance. She wouldn’t disclose but said it was more than 6 figures. This seems like a good time for Kim to come to, stand up and exaggerate a Depends dance to make fun of Rinna then declare that she does NOT do anything for a buck and has a little more pride than Rinna. And God Bless Andy, whose quick to point out that Kim did Diving with the Stars. This is why we keep Andy around, Kim immediately clamps her babbling mouth shut. Rinna chimes in that she actually did turn down Diving with the Stars. Point: Rinna. There’s some nonsense about Rinna being anorexic, apparently she lost 6 lbs or something from stress and Brandi says she’s never seen her eat but would NEVER call her anorexic from that, trying to make an argument that the ladies shouldn’t call her an alcoholic just because she drinks around them. This would be Point: Brandi except that Rinna says Brandi actually called her an anorexic old hag in a text. Sooo that pretty much dissolves your argument, Brandi ya big bitch.

Brandi vs. The World

Speaking of drinking, let’s touch upon when everyone rehashed that Brandi is a mean, sloppy drunk and she defended herself by saying that she only drinks when she’s around them, to tolerate them of course. Eileen is like hey home girl, doesn’t matter why you drink but every time I’m around you, you have the slursies and the meansies. Brandi claims it depends on the company and if she’s happily drunk she’ll give out lap dances. I’m kind of glad we never got to see that on the show, because watching Kyle do splits every time she gets drunk is just about enough for me to see ever.

 

Finally…Lisa vs. Brandi

What starts out as the continuance of THE SLAP (eeeeeeenoughhhhhh) spirals into Brandi claiming that Kyle spread stories about Lisa banging her trainer and being poor or something. Brandi and Kyle then spent about 5 minutes screaming at each other and dropping F bombs. It was pretty pleasant. ALMOST as pleasant as hearing the deets of Brandi’s penetration station with AmsterBABY. Lisa’s choking back vomit as she tells us she’s known this kid since he was 7 and she’d prefer not to know about his cougar trysts. The only comic relief in this stupid fight is Brandi and Andy bonding over the fact that they’ve both banged 23 year olds. Three cheers for the loose gooses! Anyway, there’s more analysis of the SLAP, everyone weighs in on it like this is a trial and they’re the jury deciding if it’s ok to drink and slap, FTR, it’s a unanimous NO and Andy tries to defend his fellow cougar Brandi by comparing the slap to playing with your dog and your dog bites you. (Kind of a touchy subject, Andy, no?) B does NOT like this comparison. She loses her chill, says a big F U to Andy and says she’s done taking shit from everyone. Clearly all the ladies need to be hooked up to their mid-afternoon wine IV or take their scheduled Valium or whatevs, cause bitches be gettin cranky. In conclusion, Brandi thinks Lisa is beating the slap to death, clearly doesn’t know what this whole season has been like for all of us, cause the slap has been beaten, buried, and its ashes have been dug up to beat again. Lisa says she didn’t make a big deal about it. Ok, Lisa. The future of these ladies is to never ever speak again and also maybe blackmail each other because Hood Brandi comes out to play and tells Lisa to watch her back. If I were Lisa I’d amp up my security and maybe keep Hanky and Panky indoors for a little while.

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