Tag Archives: Zack Morris

JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/26/2020

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1. This Turned Around.

After months of releasing short sneak peeks with the basically 1 day of footage in the can before Corona hit, the Saved by the Bell reboot must’ve finally been able to film enough for a full trailer. My sister and I (avid SBTB stans and judgmental AF) fired it up for a joint viewing and we were READY to barf all over their attempts at preserving a childhood classic. But then we…insert gasp here….LAUGHED and ENJOYED this trailer. From the sassy student questioning AC Slater’s once cool but incredibly impractical backwards chair sit right into a bunch of grown up high school friends reviving their band for a rousing rendition of “Friends Forver.” My sister and I were RIVETED. Well done, Peacock, you sure know how to swindle a couple of idiots into watching a show that probably won’t be good at all but WE’RE ALL IN. And not to be forgotten–Lark Voorhies AKA Lisa Turtle who if you might recall had a completely different face about 5 years ago and was suuuupes scary lookin’ has also confirmed her return via this official photo. She’s looking GREAT but unfortunately in the same article People.com pointed out that she was not originally included in the reboot and then went on Dr. Oz and wah-wah’ed about not being included and now here we are. She has a pity invite. It’s like Gilmore Girls cutting out Sookie all over again. Nothing more embarrassing than admitting publicly that you weren’t invited back (especially when you’re in the company of Dustin Diamond…yiiiikes) and then getting the late ask. Can’t wait to see how they rope her in from her fashion job in NYC for about five minutes.

2. Wait, what?

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@blakeshelton yes please! 💍🙏🏻 gx

A post shared by Gwen Stefani (@gwenstefani) on

No joke I thought this happened roughly 3 years ago. I genuinely wondered if they had gotten married yet or if they were just going to stay engaged forever because they’ve both been divorced. So when I saw this news my first thought was AGAIN?! And then I realized they were never engaged and I just thought they were because they live inside each other’s BHOLES doing The Voice together and basically every song they release is a duet now about how much they love each other and living in the country and whatever. SO yeah, Congrats to the happy couple, your relationship has been shoved down our throats for so long that you managed to surprise me by JUST getting engaged. I assume we will all be a part of the ceremony as well. Also, I just read that the proposal was a surprise and for that I cannot be on board. If I thought you were already engaged and I’m in Syracuse, NY and I’ve never met you two, then MAYBE SOMEONE IN THE ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP MIGHT PREDICT A PROPOSAL IN THE FUTURE. Sorry. I got heated. I just think that’s dumb to be shocked by something that everyone else already thought happened. Ok bye.

3. Kim is 40 Now, But Still An A-Hole.

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40 and feeling so humbled and blessed. There is not a single day that I take for granted, especially during these times when we are all reminded of the things that truly matter. For my birthday this year, I couldn’t think of a better way to spend it than with some of the people who have helped shaped me into the woman I am today. Before COVID, I don’t think any of us truly appreciated what a simple luxury it was to be able to travel and be together with family and friends in a safe environment. After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could pretend things were normal just for a brief moment in time. We danced, rode bikes, swam near whales, kayaked, watched a movie on the beach and so much more. I realize that for most people, this is something that is so far out of reach right now, so in moments like these, I am humbly reminded of how privileged my life is. #thisis40

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

Kimmy K turned 40 and ruffled A LIIIIIIITTLE (ok A LOT) of feathers with the above self serving AF post. Could she have flown her “closest inner circle” (hundreds of people) to a private island and celebrated and kept that moment to herself without splashing it all over IG? Yeah, definitely considering no one knew they did it to begin with. But nope, ya girl Kim needed to share that news (and 900 full-glam photos) with the world…and not just any ole world, a world that is in flames as people have financial troubles and ravaging sickness. Nobody was pleased with this information. In fact, my favorite reply that I saw was “I’m really happy for you. My dad died and we couldn’t have a funeral.” BOOM. ZING. ZAP. Nothing gets more tone deaf than this post. I lied. It’s 10000000x more tone deaf to think you’re being self aware and acknowledge that it’s a hard time for everyone but you’re PRIVILEGED. Hey everyone, I know your life probably sucks right now but I’m privileged so I got to rent out an island and fly everyone out for my 40th birthday celebration. THIS IS 40! LOLOLOLOLOL. I thought we were done with Kardashian faux-pas for the week and then Kim’s like not yet, y’all!! She then shares this very personal birthday gift that she received from Kanye.

If you watched that without cringing your face off then I don’t want to know you as a human being. This is a hologram most likely created from home videos…and everything that Robert is saying was written by Kim’s husband. How do we know that? Oh because Robert tells Kim “You married the most most most most genius man in the whole world.” WHAT PLANET ARE WE ON?! I wanted to ask how Kim hears that and doesn’t wonder for a second why her husband just made a gift from her dead dad about HIMSELF and then I remembered that Kim was filming this to share on social media and you know what? Those two really are perfect for each other. Kimberly and Kanye 4eva. The most most most most self absorbed couple on this earth. (PS once KUWTK goes off the air, do we think this family will learn to have a private personal moment, or will the show continue through their social media platforms? Get back to me on that.)

4. Bye, Bitch.

Timing lined up nicely for The Vow to finish and Keith to be sentenced like a week later. If you didn’t read my Doc O’Clock blog, you missed out on me slobbering over The Vow–a docuseries about Nxivm, the cult that originated in the mecca that is Clifton Park, NY. Though I still recommend it as a must-watch, I do so less enthusiastically after the last half of the series DRAAAGGGEDD and then they tossed in a little cliffhanger of an interview in prison with Keith at the end to get viewers to tune into season 2. I will tune in, but I’ll be annoyed about it. They fell into the common doc trap of making something twice as long as it needs to be and repeating the same info over and over again. On the other hand, I feel like they did a great job of making me hate Keith Raniere and being in complete awe of the fact that this schlub who forces people to watch him play volleyball every night was revered by ANYONE. So I was ecstatic to hear that he got 120 years in prison this week. BYE BYE YA CREEPAZOID. Hope you find a lot of mouths to kiss in prison and they let you start up a prison volleyball league: sweatband mandatory. And not for nothing, but how could one single soul watch Keith preach to a group of men that all males are “hungry fucking beasties” about sex and not immediately believe he belongs in the slammer. The writing was on the wall with that one. GOOD RIDDANCE, VANGUARD.

5. Sad Face.

Since I posted Chrissy’s heartbreaking insta from losing Jack, I also want to post her blog that she put out there this week as her first time speaking about everything. Mostly because I razz on Chrissy A LOT for being annoying on social media, but what I’ve learned is that she’s actually a phenomenal writer and she’s had to go through this publicly and has managed to put all of these emotions and experiences into words to comfort other people who can’t. And that’s something I admire, because I may be a writer but I write outrageous things to try and get people to laugh, I don’t often go deep. I feel like that’s a pretty boss skill to have. So anyway, don’t read her blog unless you want to cry. I also LOVE that she put naysayers in their place by saying she does not care at all what they think. I can’t imagine what it’s like to go through something horrible publicly and then have people chime in hate on top of that. So good for her. Suck it, losers. (See what I mean about not being able to write like a mature adult?)

BONUS: I’ve recently spouted off about how much I hate that politics finds its way into every facet of life this year and how triggered everyone is and how much it makes me want to rip my hair out…HOWEVER, politics completely aside, red, blue, purple, liberal, conservative, tea party, THIS IS THE MOST PREPOSTEROUS PHOTO I’VE EVER LAID EYES ON and I beg you to look at this photo just as it is, with no implications and allow yourself to laugh hysterically.

Weezy F Baby with a turtleneck layered under a knit sweater, tossing us a TOTAL DAD pose of the thumbs up. I will laugh at this for the rest of eternity. TYSM.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/31/16

1. Prince Harry ALLEGEDLY dates an American.

meghan-harry

Remember that horrendous reality TV show a few years ago where they tricked a bunch of T-Rash American girls into thinking Prince Harry was dating them when they were actually just dating a ginger actor? When that came out I was like well this is the reason Prince Harry will never so much as sniff at an American. I can’t even believe WE ALL HAD A CHANCE THIS WHOLE TIME. Ok, whatevs, this girl is gorge and an actress and charitable AF–AND according to her Twitter bio she is “a traveler of this beautiful world.”Fine, we get it. You’re the bomb.com, girl. I guess Harry is over his blacking out in Vegas days and looking to settle down. That is, if every gossip mag reporting this relationship like it’s the royal wedding doesn’t scare him off. GUD LUCK, MEG!

2. Emma Watson is perfection.

beauty

More pics from the live action Beauty and the Beast were released this week and of course Emma is crushing it as Belle. I’ve never seen anyone look better in a yellow dress than the time I wore it for Halloween in 2013. But I’m willing to pass the torch to her because she’s perfect for this role and also I would never in a billion years want to smooch this beast with horns. Yikes. Can we see the after photo? Also I’m gonna need a close-up of Gaston. Cause like, Gaston can’t be hot. Cartoon Gaston just looked like a dick and I can’t be getting all confused about who Belle is supposed to be attracted to if they give this movie the Hollywood treatment and Gaston is a dreamboat while Beast is over there snarling and picking gnats out of his fur.

Beauty and the Beast (2017) Emma Watson stars as Belle and Kevin Kline is Maurice, Belle’s father.

3. Beyonce eats cheetos. STARS. THEY’RE JUST LIKE US. I love how it was a legitimate headline this week that Bruno Mars revealed Beyonce nommed all up on some cheetos before the Super Bowl halftime show. He even included that she had the cheezy dust on her fingers. Talk about blackmail. See if Beyonce ever snacks around Bruno again. But actually, if all I have to do is eat cheetos to get a body like B then I’m basically there. Except for the whole orange dust thing. I’m not saying I’m above it, but it might be frowned upon for me to sit at my desk and lick my fingers after snacktime.

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4. There’s still hope for me. Was cruising through twitter this week and saw that someone had tweeted this photo:

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And said this is what Ice Box looks like now. Since everyone knows I have an affinity for wearing a backwards hat like a big ole lez and pretending it’s adorable, this is HUGE news for me. The girl who starred in Little Giants and looked like THIS:

icebox

…now looks like a smokeshow. Here’s what I looked like as a child vs. grown up. We’ve still got some time, guys. I’m not worried. IT’S JUST A PHASE.

5. Fuller House got worse. 

Ah yes, the season 2 that EVERYONE (read: no one) has been anticipating. Fuller House is going the way of Girl Meets World and after watching this disaaaaaster of a trailer, I gotta say I’m officially out. No more she-wolf pack jokes, no more Danny Tanner dressed as Vanilla Ice going through a mid-life crisis and DEFINITELY no more DJ wasting an opportunity with hot vet Matt. I feel like a giant weight of terrible MK&A jabs has been lifted off of my shoulders and I encourage everyone else to quit as well. Mostly because if anyone talks about this I’ll have FOMO and immediately binge watch. LET’S STAY STRONG TOGETHER.

PS this throwback of Uncle J looking like a total babe soda isn’t helping me stay strong.

BONUS: My dad is funnier than me. Den & I have an age old tradition (since I graduated college), where when I’m faced with financial decisions, I ask him to explain them to me in 90’s pop culture references. It’s a fool proof method, really. He knows all of the characters I’m obsessed with, and also smart stuff like MONEY. After college graduation he broke down investments via Dawson’s Creek and this week he delivered a killer Saved by the Bell comparison to teach me what an IRA account is. Read and appreciate that my dad is and will always be cooler than yours.

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It’s almost like he should have his own blog or something. (JK-steal my spotlight and I’ll cut a bitch.) One blog per fam. PS Happy 2nd Birthday to The Salty Ju last week. #ShamelessPlug

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JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 10/12/15

We are back, we are baaaaacckkkkkkk and we are getting Doug baccckkkkkkkk! You’re welcome for that lovely outdated 2010 pop culture reference that you probably are still trying to figure out. I’m trying to bring the Hangover back. For no reason whatsoever. Anyway, I took a two week hiatus from the JUice because the whole point of a blog on Friday with the week’s top headlines is that it’s interesting and these past two weeks the pop culture news cycle has been just about as exciting as my day to day game of should I go somewhere so that my neighbors see that I’m still alive and well enough to leave my apartment instead of rotting on my couch binge watching Parks & Rec. Although that may sound very disgusting I’d like to charitably add that I have been maintaining a normal shower routine. Yay, me! Anyway, shit went dizown this week so the JUice is back and you can thank me later. Or now. Whatever works in your schedule, pencil me in.

1. Leo Dicaprio Engaged.

leokelly

The king of all kings, the colossus of clout, the great LEONARDO DICAPRIO apparently, supposedly, sources say, put a ring on it. And the “it” is a chick my age so we can just kindly go back in time and stab an ice pick into my 1997 little girl heart as I fell in love with Titanic Leo and dreamed of the day we would marry. His fiancee, Kelly Rohrbach is an actress/swimsuit model (obviously)–yawn–my grandma once told me I should be a model and I was like No, Gams, I don’t want to intimidate the other girls in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. Whatevz, they also clearly share a love of biking as pictured above, not for nothing but I’ve recently taken up biking and usually take a spin around town every day. But if it’s this girl he wants then FINE. I won’t be bitter. Also to be completely honest this could all be about as true as the time i reported Jeter was buying a house in Central New York–it’s not People official yet so we’ll just go ahead and assume it’s a rumor and that Leo is still waiting for the “one”(wink).

2. Zayn-Free 1D is PERFECT. I’m not afraid to shout it from the rooftops that I like 1D without Zayn sooo0oo0ooo much better. They released Perfect today, listen here, and I’ve had it on repeat all morning long. Obviously as far as celeb news goes they couldn’t let it slide without making comparisons to TSwift and saying it’s Harry’s response to Style (which was OBVIOUSLY about him.) I guess with lyrics like “If you like late night driving with the windows down” and “If you’re looking for someone to write your breakup songs about” it’s pretty much an open and shut case but that doesn’t mean they’re not going to each get badgered with questions about it. EITHER WAY, this song is perfect and so is present-day 1D.

3. Chrissy Teigen Preggers.

There’s been a lot of badgering Chrissy about when she’s gonna get knocked up already and finally about a month ago she was like hey assholes I’m having a difficult time getting pregnant so maybe shut your fat traps and let me live. Well her and John Legend just announced in an adorable instagram way of course so obviously I’m happy for them as a beautiful couple about to make a model child but also might have to unfollow Chrissy on Twitter once the little nugget pops out if she’s going to be as candid as I think she is about this topic. I stand firmly on team no babies, but glad to see they made it through their struggles and hope the baby is healthy.

4. Jasmine & Aladdin duet 23 years later.

Ok this was being tossed around because the original singers of A Whole New World paired up again on GMA to perform and although it made me nostalgic for the Aladdin days, I think I would have preferred to watch cartoons on a magic carpet ride over two humans who do not look like Aladdin and Jasmine, gazing into each other’s eyes while a bunch of adults lined up behind a piano watched them with ferociously nodding heads. It made me real uncomfy. I wanted to close my eyes and focus on the magical love but I couldn’t look away from the cringey interaction. Oh yeah and obviously they sound exactly the same so kudos to their voice coaches and stuff. Three cheers for Aladdin making a comeback these days. Still the best Disney movie in the biz–And I’m obviously still the best Jasmine in the biz, NBD but HBD.

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5. Kimmy Gibbler can get it.

mrgibbler

Last week casting revealed who would play Gibbler’s ex-husband and he’s a real hottie who also played Jesus one time so he’s now known as “Hot Jesus”…not a bad rep, bro. His name is Juan Pablo Di Pace and unless English isn’t his first language, I’m having a hard time figuring out how these two would end up togets. It will be interesting to see how this plays out, since he’s the ex it’ll be single galz on the scene with Kimmy, Steph and DJ (recently widowed ala copy cat Danny Tanner style) all on the singles grind. Although Steve is back–just as I predicted he would be, so I’m guessing Deej isn’t single for very long. I don’t think I need to reiterate how disappointed I will be if Fuller House goes the way of Girl Meets World in spin-off land.

BONUS: Zack Morris & AC Slater selfie.

HASHTAG BUDDY BANDS.

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Music, Playlist

Best Fictional Hits Playlist

I had one of those days where I realized how many songs I have in my iTunes that are actually fake bands from TV shows or movies and I decided to throw them together into a playlist because why not? (take a crazy chance, do a crazy dance) Anyway you’re either going to think this is super weird or you’re gonna love it…it’s a random selection of fictional songs that would’ve soared the Billboard Charts had they been sung by real life musicians.

1. What Dreams Are Made Of- Lizzie McGuire, The Lizzie McGuire Movie

Always start a playlist with a bang. That’s my motto. Lizzie was just a normal awkward middle school girl but suddenly on her chaperoned trip to Rome she was mistaken for an Italian pop star and got to perform in the Coliseum. Ho hum, no biggie. Not only is this song fire flames, but this performance was magnetic. Therefore it will be one of the only videos I attach to this list because in order to say Buona Sera to my American friend Lizzie Mcguire, you need the visual aide of a skirt turning into a metallic jumpsuit with belly button cutout and technicolor lights. SING TO ME, PAOLO! (Please read in shitty Italian accent)

2. Zach’s Song- School of Rock, School of Rock

What do you get when you put together a chubby Asian, rebel with spiked hair and a quiet nerd? The keyboardist, drummer and guitarist/singer for the coolest band in the world, duh. You don’t like good music if you don’t think this song melts faces. Also Freddy, if you’re still a bad boy drummer with an attitude, CALL ME!

freddy

3. Stephanie- Tommy Page, Full House

Did I really need to force everyone to listen to Stephanie Tanner shriek Tommy Page at the top of her lungs before the song even starts? No, but I’ve had this bootleg version for so long that I think her pre-teen screech has become a staple in this beautiful melody. If my dad ever got a teen heartthrob to serenade me at my 13th birthday party I think I would melt into a puddle of awkward and not know what to do with my hands. Stephanie handles much better, by falling in love with Tommy who probably shouldn’t be singing to a teenager that she means everything to him. Also the kiss on the lips could’ve been a little misleading. Yikes, creep.

steph

4. Halo- Haley James Scott, One Tree Hill

Obviously there’s no way I would make a fake pop star playlist and not include my little tutor girl turned rocker, Hales. This is easily her best song and also the one that caused the least conflict with hubs Nathan, so win, win all around.

5. That Thing You Do- The Wonders, That Thing You Do

Hey remember this movie with Liv Tyler as a 60’s smoke with perfect eyeliner all the time? Anyway…this song is awesome and even though The Wonders (formerly Oneders) had to disband due to their lead singer being a dick, this one hit wonder (see what I did there, ha-ha) will forever live on.

shades

6. Supernova Girl- Proto Zoa, Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century

Seems pretty awkz to go from a movie with Tom Hanks in it to a song about outer space from a Disney movie, right? I like to keep you on the edge of your seat, obviously. Zetus Lupetus this song is stupid AF but SO catchy. I mean seriously, Proto Zoa had silver spiked hair and obviously had a way with words MAJOR.

protozoa

7. Friends Forever- Zack Attack, Saved By The Bell

Ah, back in the days when Zack and his Bayside buddies would dream about making it big and having Casey Kasem (RIP) narrate their climb to fame. Fortunately for all Zack Attack fans, Zack didn’t start banging their manager and turn into a superdouche to go solo and wear hammer pants. Instead the gang stayed Friends Forever and sang about it. And by sang about it I mean the show hired a bunch of mature adults to sing it and then tried to pass it off like these 16 year olds sounded like that.

Zack_Attack zack

8. 3 Small Words- Josie & the Pussycats, Josie & The Pussycats

Confession: I don’t even think I ever saw this movie but you bet your bottom dollar I downloaded this song from Limewire and slapped it on a mix CD to listen to in my walkman. I memorized these lyrics like nobody’s biz and I’m 99% sure it was because I was not allowed to see the movie and didn’t want to have FOMO when all my friends talked about it so I learned the song to have something to contribute to the convo. Anyway, GIRLS RULE.

9. 5000 Candles in the Wind- Mouse Rat, Parks & Recreation

I’m late to the party and just now rolling through all the episodes of Parks & Rec but even as a fresh fan it seemed wrong to make a playlist without a tribute to Lil Sebastian. RIP in horsey heaven. Also Leslie told Andy to make Candle In the Wind but 5000x better and he NAILED it.

ronswanson lil sebastian

10. Now Or Never-Troy Bolton (& Fellow Wildcats), High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Listen, with three High School Musical movies it was pretty tough to narrow it down to just one song. Obviously Breaking Free was the one that started it all but it’s slow and it just didn’t feel right. High School Musical 2 doesn’t count because it SUUUUUCKKKED so that left senior year, their big theater debut to choose from. Again, so many jams so little time. I chose this one because it has everything that High School Musical embodies all in one song. The love between Gabriella and Troy (check), the overemphasis on a non-ranking varsity basketball team (check), Troy battling his passion for sports AND singing at an inconvenient time (check) and finally everyone in the school joining in uninvited (check). Plus it gets you pumped up to win the big game or sing your heart out or whatever.

troy

11. Killer Tofu- The Beets, Doug

What I really wanted to do was include Doug’s quick foray into singing on this playlist but how I remembered the song “Bangin on a trashcan” was WAY better than what it actually sounded like. I think Beebe did backup vocals or something and it RUINED the song. Plus Skeeter didn’t honk, honk in it. Lame. This one is a gr8 tune from Doug’s fave band The Beets. I’m shocked they don’t cycle this on classic rock stations. OH-EE-OHHH KILLER TOFUUUUUU.

“I eat my sugar cereal but it makes my teeth bacterial”- THIS IS GENIUS SONGWRITING.

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12. Ultimate- Pink Slip, Freaky Friday

I’m not at all embarrassed to admit that I purchased a hard copy of this movie’s soundtrack and also was inspired to learn guitar so that I could start a rock band and win over a guy who looked like Chad Michael Murray. I played the song this band played at Wango Tango in the movie to my dad and told him to teach it to me. He taught me Jingle Bells first and I quit guitar lessons a week later. Pipe dreams, ya know? Anyway, Linds rockin an electric guitar at her mom’s wedding was SO RAD.

pinkslip

13. Cinderella- The Cheetah Girls, The Cheetah Girls

Ideally “Cheetah Sisters” would be on this playlist but it’s actually a real snooze of a song for like the first minute and no one is gonna sit around for that. This song is actually good, so you’re welcome, everyone’s ears. The Cheetah girls introduced me to stupid handshakes, excessive animals prints, and the fact that names like Galleria, Aqua and Dorinda even existed. #Culture. Thanks Disney Channel. 3LW obviously carried the group and I’m grateful they demoted their careers for this flick. Plus they gave me a reason to still regularly say “We’re Cheetah Girls, Cheetah Sisters” every time someone else wears a cheetah print on the same day as me. (It happens more often than you would think.)

cheetah

14. Forever- Jesse & The Rippers, Full House

YAASSSSS. SING IT TO ME, UNCLE J. This song is probably the best song to ever come out of a TV show…it was also #1 in Japan, domo very much. Jesse & The Rippers were the shit and I could’ve put any of their songs on this mix but this one deserves it the most because it was written for Becky and it’s adorbz. Relationship goals. Plus it has an actual music video featuring a very shirtless Jesse. Lick.

jesseforever 

15. Bella’s Finals- Barden Bellas, Pitch Perfect

Since I tortured you with some real weird 90’s and Disney songs on this playlist, we shall end the same way we started…with fire flames. The Barden Bellas are the badass bitches of the accapella world and this mashup they did to win the finals should win all the awards ever. It’s also a really great drinking song.

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JUice

Weekly JUice

1. Jimmy Fallon moved The Tonight Show to LA for a week and amped up the 90’s nostalgia. Obviously everyone and their mother posted this on social media yesterday but it deserves several re-watches. This Saved by the Bell Reunion was the best thing that has happened to me since the Full House reunion last year. Judge me, I dare you. Anyway this is the gang 25 years later and they all look exactly the same. HOW?! (To be clear: MPG looked weird because they did awk makeup and wig things to him, he’s actually still a smoke) Props to Fallon for knowing that Lisa Turtle didn’t have a place in this reunion and obviously Screech the creepy jailbird. They hit all the classic Bayside jokes and we even got a Belding Hey HEY what is going on HERE?! Side note: Where is Rod Belding these days? Does he also look woof or did he luck out with the good Belding brother genes? So many probing questions. Anyway…in addition to seeing Slater dance in a leotard, Jimmy also brought back the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, arguably the greatest TV theme song in history and this may have been overlooked because it happened right after the Super Bowl, but it’s still pretty great. Enjoy a trip down 90’s lane courtesy of Jimmy Fallon.

Throwbacks:

Also relive the appearance that preludes the SBTB reunion…Since MPG did his Zack Morris bit before everything was on YouTube, watch it here

2. In the cold long days of winter, thirsty girls across America got their first teaser trailer for Magic Mike XXL. Warner Bros capitalized on the obsession we all had with Channing’s epic solo strip to Pony by Ginuwine and I for one couldn’t be more pleased. The gratuitous sexual innuendos are free flowing and the abs plentiful. If this doesn’t pull you out of your blizzard blues for 1 minute and 36 seconds, ladies, I don’t know what will. Fingers crossed that the second installment has less drugs/artsy statements about stripping and more naked Channing and Matt Bomer Jams. Double fingers crossed that the lead love interest isn’t a straight up dude like she was in the original. Total Bomer kill.

3. Okay mop up your drool, we’re going back to family friendly headlines from this week now. Lennon & Maisy AKA the two child stars of the show Nashville got their start by doing duet viral videos. This past week they released a new take on the song Boom, Clap by Charli XCX. I know that I razz Nashville a lot for it’s predictable plot lines and terrible characters–all in good fun obviously–but this video just shows the reason I started watching this show. It’s for unknown singers who crush it. These two might annoy the F out of me on the show as whiny little teenage princesses but they’re REAL talented and for a 13 year old and an 8 year old to be this good it’s worth watching.

4a. Jeter’s Girl Hannah Davis snagged the cover of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Now that she’s fully mainstream I would expect nothing less than for Jeets to move onto the next.

SI

Also making headlines this week-the very first “plus sized” model to be featured in the SI swimsuit issue. If this is what we’re calling plus sized I think I’ll go jump off a cliff now. Judging by this “plus sized” model being a size 10, I must be a candidate for Too Fat To Live, coming to TLC in the Spring.

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4b. In related but not really related news (aka I just want to yap about it) there has been quite a buzz around Boston this week due to a trashmonster posting a photo that she snapped after getting boned by Julian Edelman, Patriots player and #2 GQ model on the team (#1 is Brady obv.) It’s a selfie she took in bed with him sleeping next to her that says “I just F’ed Edelman no lie.” Class act.

New England Patriots Victory Parade super-bowl-julian-edelman-tinder

After shaking his ass on the duck boat in the Pats parade there were other snapchats getting tossed around of girls partying at his hotel. And here’s my lesson of the day. I’m embarrassed of my generation and the fact that we live in the mentality of pics or it didn’t happen but at the same time, Jules–you just won a Super Bowl and you’re hot as shit, MAYBE start scooping up phones when you hang out (bang) girls you meat at the club. How does this relate to my SI Juice? Jeets was a PRO at banging randoms and keeping it under wraps. Rumors are that there were no cellphones allowed past the gates of St. Jetersberg and he even gave out gift baskets to compensate disabling all social media bragging rights. Take notes, Jules cause you can’t be having every post-victory tryst broadcast on the twitterverse. And that’s my lesson for the day. You’re welcome. If you’d like to hire me for PR, visit my about page for contact info.

5. Ugh, if I must, JT confirmed on his birthday (January 31st) that him and that wife of his are expecting even though we all saw her baby bump for a while now…This was totally a case of if I look away it’s not really happening. Neither of them publicly confirmed it so I pretended she wasn’t really pregs and when he broke the news on his birthday he honestly ruined a joyous occasion for me and I hope that he’s happy about that. I’m guessing this means I no longer have a chance. Whutever.

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