JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of January 24, 2020

Your favorite feature is back because everyone’s just blabbing their faces off in Hollywood this week and I am EATING IT UP. Also I don’t have a job, so like what else would I be doing with my days?

1. Jessica Simpson TELL – ALL.

Open Book by Jessica Simpson CR: HarperCollins

I’ve never hidden the fact that I was a Newlyweds SUPER-fan, like to the point where I would youtube old episodes in college and pray for Jess & Nick to reunite. I just felt like they were destined to be together, yanno? Well, they weren’t. And my naive little pop culture heart just wanted my two favorite hottie pop stars to talk about chickeny tuna forever instead of realizing that they met when they were teenagers and got married at 22 and that’s a straight recipe for disaster. Anyway, that’s not the point of this blurb–the point is that Jess released a tell-all book that has been DOMINATING the headlines this week. There were some tidbits about her marriage to Nick and her time with John Mayer sexual napalm bad boy of Hollywood but the biggest bombshell is that she was a closet addict for like A LOT of years. Through her entire career up until 2017 basically and HOW DID WE NOT KNOW?! Jess reveals that she was sexually abused as a child and that’s partially why she coped with alcohol and pills…it also didn’t help that we were calling her a heffer every single day that she didn’t look like she did in her Daisy Dukes prime. Yoikes. That’s on us, Jess. Sorry bout that one. But also let’s circle back to John Mayer and how he has the WORST rep with the ladies. There’s the ever popular Dear John about him taking advantage of Taylor Swift, and now there’s Jessica Simpson talking about how she felt like she needed to have all eyes on her texts, checking for grammar errors to be smart enough to bang J.May. Also, she literally says he was obsessed with her. Well-played, Jess. Maybe we’ll get another Continuum out of him from this.

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2. Taylor Swift SHOW – ALL.

Countdown begins until I park myself in front of the TV on January 31st and don’t blink for two hours soaking in every detail that Taylor is willing to divulge to me. The biggest tidbits to come from this so far after the trailer was dropped this week is that Taylor’s mom has a brain tumor and Taylor once had an eating disorder from pap photos pointing out her stomach. That stuff is sad and all but did YOU SEE TAYLOR DROP AN F BOMB IN THIS TRAILER?! LET’S F**KING GOOOOOOOOOOO. She’s taking her damn life back and “it feels fucking awesome.” YAASSS KWEEEEENNNNNNN. Ok but seriously though y’all already know that I drool at everything Taylor Swift does and real talk I just want to know everything about her life EXCEPT politics. If this documentary is heavy on the political talk, I’m out. Fingers crossed we just get some good ole fashioned gossip and not a lecture on voting. Also, No:

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3. Car-pull Karaoke.

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So this is a thing everyone is outraged over this week and I’m baffled as to why. Are we really that dumb as a group of people? Don’t answer that. A fan saw James Corden filming Carpool Karaoke and took a picture and outed him for not actually driving the car and the world went BUH-NAN-UHS. They feel shocked and cheated and lied to and HOW DID YOU IDIOTS THINK THIS WAS FILMED? There’s like several cameras and angles and they have to be set up in the windshield to get the whole car ALSO this segment is purely for entertainment and he’s focused on dancing and singing and talking to these passengers HOW DO YOU EXPECT HIM TO ALSO NAVIGATE LA TRAFFIC? My God you’re all morons. There’s literally times where the car is moving and James has no hands on the wheel and is looking fully at the star in the front seat. Did y’all really think he was that talented of a driver? Listen, I’ll level with you, when I found out that MTV used to pull LC around LA in her BMW convertible ON THE BACK OF A TRAILER, I also was heated and felt like I had been betrayed. But then I thought about how if I try to change the song on the radio, I almost run myself off the road so it’s really asking a lot of celebrities to multi-task this much while driving and I’m ok with that. I’d rather see James and JLo text Leonardo DiCaprio about hitting the clubs than have his hands on 10 and 2 driving through town.

4. Breakup Tats.

What do you do when your 8 year relationship just ended and everyone knows about it? Get a sunflower tatted on your boob and flash it up on instaG so your ex sees that you’re doing just FINE. Tale as old as time. Women are so predictable. Either we get new hair or new ink, either way we gotta show that we’re still hot but only to the person who dumped us because no one else matters. (Meanwhile, my ex only goes on instagram to watch videos of people falling or crashing into things and I could post a boomerang of me doing jumping jacks naked and it wouldn’t even be on his radar.) So Vanessa, GET IT GURL, win the breakup for all of us singles. Three whole posts for a little tit ink. Eat your heart out, Austin.

5. The JoBros Are Crushing It.

Look, I was never a Jonas Brothers super fan and to be perfectly honest, they showed 0 personality at their concert and I was expecting a lot out of them because they do shit like this and they’re hilarious. I will give them all the props in the world though because they have CRUSHED this comeback. I feel like every day of the week they’re dropping something new or doing something zany. They’ve got funny tiktoks, they can pound beers (or Nick’s personal tequila), they drop fire flames singles and then toss out music videos banging their hot wives to accompany the jamz. Now they’ve got a residency in Vegas, I guess? THEY LITERALLY CANNOT BE STOPPED.

I mean seriously, they said they’ve got a surprise in store for their Grammys performance and I’m salivating at all of the possibilities. If it’s just having the J Sisters hooch it up and get macked on by them onstage, though, I’m out. Like enough of that. We get it, they’re hot and you love them. I’m over it. I’m not over this song though cause it slaps real hard.

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Television

Grease LIVE! Review

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I went into this one with real low expectations and assumed I would be turning it off halfway through. Mostly because even though John Travolta is a big creep-dogg now, his role as Danny Zuko was easily my first crush (I’ve got a thing for bad boys) and I had a hard time imagining anyone else taking his place as the Zukster. I would call last night the first successful TV musical and I think everyone in America agrees. Mostly because of Aaron Tveit’s hips. Really though, in the sand, under the docks, I’d smooch this boy anywhere after last night’s performance. Here are the highs and lows of a musical based on the premise of a girl changing everything about herself for sex.

 

YES:

-Seriously Sandy, stop being such a square. Kisses from a guy with an open button-down make everything better.

 

-My favorite college bar used to play Summer Nights every single Saturday, which is just good business. Get a bunch of college kids boozed up and then have them scream in unison “NIIIII-HEIIIGHHHTTTSSSSS”. Needless to say, after damaging my eardrums from that on repeat every weekend, I was a little nervous for the live rendition. They nailed it though. Speaking of nailed, I feel like Danny’s friends should try it sometime and maybe they wouldn’t be so hard up for his beach hookup deets.

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-LET THE HIP THRUSTS BEGIN. He could have sung Lamb Chop Sing-along here and I wouldn’t have noticed at all thanks to those hot moves. Seriously, were they even singing about a car?

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-All hail the 50’s for their athletic nut huggers

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-I don’t remember Frenchie being such a feminist in the original Grease, then again I also don’t remember a country that wasn’t aggressively racist and segregated in the 1950’s but that’s neither here nor there. In modern-reboot world, black students don’t have to drink from a separate drinking fountain, they can hand jive with the rest of ‘em, and Frenchie is a capital F feminist. She yaps to Sandy about how she doesn’t need Danny, she can be an independent woman like they teach in home ec. And Sandy’s like yeah whatever I’m gonna go buy some leather pants and get my man.

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-Vanessa Hudgens as Rizzo slayed. Hudgens lost her dad this past weekend and went on to crush it as everyone’s fave sloot. She was sassy and looked like a real dime. Even her solo at the end was good and if we’re being honest that was always a song I skipped so I could get right to “tell me about it, stud” goods.

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-Was it lame that they had to edit song lyrics and keep the kisses PG for primetime? Kind of. Was it AWESOME that they didn’t tone down the dancing? Yes. I’d like to personally thank Fox for allowing this to air:

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It looked like a Miami club all up in that gym. Except of course, for Sandy…

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Cool moves, grl.

-I wore leather pants out Saturday night and totally had a hot guy crawl around the bar after me too, and pass out from how hot I looked… (Not..jealous..at..all)

 

 

NO:

-Although it pains me to say this, because Boyz II Men are the originators of babymakin music, but after their performance as the teen angels, I think they’re past their prime. In other words, they’ve come to the end of the road. ZING.

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-Related but also unrelated to Boyz II Men, Carly Rae Jepsen kinda sucked as Frenchie. The original Frenchie was so much better. She even outshined Carly as the waitress at the diner. Yikes.

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-This new song was alright, but nothing’s weirder than the guitar guy roaming around the gym trying to distract us from our very own “who wears short shorts” commercial in the flesh, via Danny Zuko.

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-The infamous drag race where there’s fire and cars getting chopped up and a terrifying villain named Leo with pockmarks all over his face was DUST in last night’s version. I understand they have limited resources on a sound stage but they didn’t even try that hard to make it look like they weren’t in a stationary car making a bunch of intense faces. I stand by my tweet.

-If they had a carnival set up outside WHY DID THEY NOT HAVE THE ENTIRE FINAL SCENE THERE? Starting in the gym and then driving golf carts around the set to finish the show was super dumb.

-Yeah, yeah, smoking is the worst but Bad Sandy NEEDS a cigg here. How is she supposed to stomp it out with her heel and look like a leather-clad minx while doing it?

 

-Related: you can’t have the final scene without the scandalous Shake Shack shimmy and the flying car. No argument. End of discussion.

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Oh, obviously Julianne Hough was great as Sandy. As if that was ever a question. The girl’s a profesh at everything and cute as a button. From one Bad Sandy to another, I’ll just continue to be bitter about the fact that she got to mack Aaron and stuff…

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