Music, Television

Grammy’s 2016 Recap


I’m not really sure when it was exactly that the Grammy’s turned into one giant tribute but it was so aggressive that I actually questioned if it was the Eagles playing their own songs or someone covering the Eagles in honor of Glenn. (Clearly I don’t know my classic rock bands.) They even tossed in a Lionel Richie tribute while he WATCHED front row. Hey…Lionel’s alive! And able to come onstage…let’s cool it with the memorial for his music. Anyway, here are the highs and lows of last night’s 5 hour situation.


-LL Cool J is the host and I forgot that he hosts every year and it’s the worst moment of my life realizing I have to watch that Kangol speak and probably say “knock ‘em out L, KNOCK EM OUTTTTTT.” At one point he tells everyone to hit him up on Instagram. Ok, L.

-Everyone in Taylor’s squad RSVP’ed “maybe”? The only one who showed up was Selena. What a lame turnout. Related side note: they really cut back on audience cams of Taylor dancing. What gives, CBS? (Thanks for pointing out this super embarrassing handshake of hers though…)

-Legitimate question, do you think Selena cried every time Tay won because she knows she’ll never win a Grammy with her garbage can pop hits and skanky vids? (Or was she just trying to fill the BFF and boyfriend void because apparently no one could make it?) Just wondering.


-Turns out I didn’t know any songs by Lionel Richie but seriously how nerve-wracking is that to perform his hits with him judging in the front row? Luke stuck out like a sore thumb trying his hand at easy listening (and NOT shaking his ass), and Lionel literally had to get up there and be like k, move aside dipshits, I got this.


-Gwen Stefani got paid a bajillion doll hairs by Target to do a “live music video” commercial where she used a lot of body doubles and didn’t fall down rollerskating SO WHAT’S THE FUN IN THAT?


-Hamilton the musical gets a sideshow performance from NYC. I hate to sound like an uncultured a-hole, but leave the musicals for the Tony’s. I’m not down with sneaking theater into the mix like I won’t even notice. I NOTICED.

-Gaga dresses like Bowie and lets spiders crawl over her face via green screen. YAY nightmares. (PS this is totes a performance dads would like, as in my dad, because he wouldn’t let me talk trash about Gaga during the SuperBowl and also he’s old and therefore liked David Bowie.)

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– A 12 year old plays the piano while Common and the old white guy who’s at every awards show bop along awkwardly. This could have been a metaphor for the entire evening.

-Biebz Part 2 with Skrillex & Diplo was roughsicles. I commend them for kicking things up a notch with a little percussion but pitch-wise it was terrible. Even worse? We didn’t get one reaction from Selena. I will personally hitch a camera on my shoulder and film the audience next year if that’s what it takes to create a little drama at the Grammys.

-Hey guys, Johnny Depp’s in a band now with Alice Cooper and they’re tearing it up old guy style with a lot of eyeliner. It was embarrassing and weird and I could’ve done without it. #WhenDadJokesTurnIntoDadBands

-Pitbull closes out the night with Sofia Vergara dancing as a boxed taxi and Robin Thicke trying REAL hard to make a comeback. Oh and Keith Richards played guitar. DALE?! (My next door neighbor’s 6th birthday party was car themed and everyone had to wear a box car and visor around his backyard all afternoon. What’s your excuse, Sofia?)




-Taylor opened with “Out of the Woods” and the most entertaining part was when she strutted through the crowd (catwalk style, obviously) and no one knew what to do. Clap, guys. Applaud her jazz hand theatrics.



Ladies & Gentlemen, please welcome to the 1989 Stage…THE GRAMMYS!

-My dad may have created “Bye Felicia” but I have diamonds!!!!

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-Carrie Underwood threw a curveball and let her vag hang out onstage for a steamy performance with Sam Hunt.



-Ariana Grande introduced the Weeknd and apparently thought she was auditioning for a one-woman variety show on Nick. No one laughed, which in turn, made me laugh a lot.


-Demi bringing down the house with a cover of Hello and the sexiest biz casj I ever did see.

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-Stevie Wonder’s sparkle shirt with camo jacket and NEON gym sneaks. I spent too much time while he sang with Pentatonix wondering if he was trolling us because no seeing person would purposefully dress themselves like that BUT THEN he bullied everyone for not being able to read Braille. WHAT A BUNCH OF IDIOTS WHO CAN SEE HAHA. YOU’RE ALL SUCKERS WHO HAVE EYES THAT FUNCTION. Keep doin you, Stevie.

-James Bay and Tori Kelly duet a mash up of “Hollow” and “Let it Go” and it’s buttery smooth. It would be kewl if I could hire them to sing me a lullaby every night before bed.

-Kendrick Lamar does a little ditty about black injustices complete with prison bars, shackles, & a large fire that scares all the white people in the crowd. It was probably the most entertaining thing of the night to see 0.0 white crowd reactions. (Especially so hot off the heels of everyone realizing that Beyonce is black.)


-It sounded like the Biebz might have been slangin some voice lessons when he did “Love Yourself” acoustic in a jacket he borrowed from Sammi Sweetheart. Then he promptly smashed his guitar and it was an omen for the remainder of the performance. #BadBoyLife


-1989 wins album of the year and Taylor takes a big giant dump on Kanye’s face.

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Red Carpet

Grammy’s 2016 Red Carpet


Lady Gaga


Janelle Monae

At first glance I thought she was holding a giant sun hat in front of her crotch. Nope, it’s just the dress. Glad she escaped old timey prison for the red carpet though.

Jaxon Bieber, Justin Bieber


Florence Welch

I think this is what they call “eclectic”. I call it arts and crafts.


Ciara feels like she needs to show off her labia in hopes of tricking her boyfriend into having sex with her.

Nick Lachey, Vanessa Lachey

I miss Nick  & Jess.

The 58th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Major key: Black tuxes are slimming. (Unless you’re bigger than a house.)

Giuliana Rancic


Tori Kelly

Love Tor Tor but this dress makes her look fat and I know she is NOT.

Grammy Awards 2016

Hey Bow Wow thanks for stopping by in your lace bib.

Selena Gomez

SEL, where’s your prom date?

Tove Lo

We get it Tove Lo, you’re badass.


Serayah (sp?) has made the full transformation to Bad Girl RiRi

The 58th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet


The 58th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Cam’s dress got caught in the paper shredder, apparently.

Kimberly Schlapman

Sooks to have the same color combo as T.Swift but look worse.

Karen Fairchild

Wonder how long it will take to get this dress off? Don’t get drunk Karen, you’ll be untying all night.

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Only Pharrell would roll through with white shades, a pearl necklace, his grandma’s sweater and a graphic tee. I can only hope the tee said something about brunch because Pharrell is white girl wasted in this getup.



I didn’t even think Mya was still a thing but she looks bangin.

The 58th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Don’t hate the darker locks.

Anna Kendrick

Classy AND hawt.

Charlie Puth

SPARKLE TUX! (insert jazz hands)

Alessandra Ambrosio

Every musician who attended these awards should be embarrassed because Alessandra just did the damn thing.

Chrissy Teigen, John Legend


Ariana Grande

I’m jelly of how skinny Ariana is .

The 58th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Convinced Sam lost weight because Adele is back and he needs to remind everyone he still exists.

Demi Lovato

The new pantsuit. Elegant as hell with a few can tabs tossed in the mix.

Jack Antonoff

Jack is looking spiffy.

Entertainment: 58th Grammy Awards

Maroon suit GET AT ME.

The 58th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

My Valentine ❤

The 58th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet


Taylor Swift

I know it’s controversial of me to include this on my best dressed. But WHATEVA. I like it. She looks skinny AF and I bet she can sit with her legs wide open because she has built in shorts. I respect it. Obviously the Anna Wintour hair isn’t as welcome but it’s better than the slicked updo. END RANT. (Update: after seeing the dress move when she walked onstage, the underpiece actually looks like a diaper. So that’s weird.)

The 58th GRAMMY Awards - Red Carpet

Shocking twist: I don’t hate this.

Kaley Cuoco

Ugh whatever Kaley, we get it you’re in shape.


This picture doesn’t do her outfit justice, she’s such a skini minnie now.



ELLIE! From left field! Everything crushes about this look.