JUice

Weekly JUice

Week of 7/13/2020

1. Kelly Preston.

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It is with a very heavy heart that I inform you that my beautiful wife Kelly has lost her two-year battle with breast cancer. She fought a courageous fight with the love and support of so many.  My family and I will forever be grateful to her doctors and nurses at MD Anderson Cancer Center, all the medical centers that have helped, as well as her many friends and loved ones who have been by her side. Kelly’s love and life will always be remembered. I will be taking some time to be there for my children who have lost their mother, so forgive me in advance if you don’t hear from us for a while.  But please know that I will feel your outpouring of love in the weeks and months ahead as we heal. All my love, JT

A post shared by John Travolta (@johntravolta) on

Woof this one was a shock. Apparently Kelly was privately battling cancer for the past two years so while we’re all feeling like this is very sudden, I’m guessing her close family members had been preparing for this moment. Kelly always struck me as someone who was classy as hell and had a lot of poise about her. Also, anyone who puts up with John Travolta on the daily and his wacky hijinks/borderline stroke symptoms (no one will ever forget Adele Dazeem) has to be a G-D saint. Not to mention the fact that there’s the whole long-standing rumor that John is actually gay and hooking up with men on the reg while keeping up appearances with Kel. Who knows if any of that is true, all that I know is that this is a horrible loss and she has a 9 year old son–much younger than I had realized AND they had already lost a child a few years back. Lots of tragedy in this family and depending on who we count as famous, we’ve got another celebrity death coming down the pipeline because it always comes in threes. Brace yourselves.

2. Naya Follow-Up. Obviously this isn’t really breaking news, but Naya’s body was recovered and they declared there was no foul play, she simply drowned in the lake. Again my conspiracy theories were working in overdrive as they made the announcement because they gave virtually 0 deets and I still don’t quite understand how one drowns in a lake, but after some sleuthing on Twitter, I was able to find the answers to the many questions I have. And this is why I write this blog, so I can report the news that I had to dig to find.

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Shout out to Jojoba for even including a chart of how rip currents work. My dumb brain couldn’t wrap around the idea of currents in a lake and I’m glad we could get to the bottom of this. And now that we have, YA THINK MAYBE IT’S TIME TO BAN SWIMMING IN LAKE PIRU? Several people have drowned and yet we’re still just popping those dams open and closed and not putting a warning out there?! HUH?! Hopefully this is a wake up call for that giant suction sewer they call a lake and they’ll ban swimming or something moving forward. I mean they even had a hard time finding her body. What is living in that lake that just snatches bodies and hides them?! Shit’s cursed. Also, I’ll be the first to admit that none of my theories about this being a suspicious death turned out to be true. I was wrong. Hands up. I’ll dial it back with the true crime as long as Lake Piru promises to lock it up with the dragging swimmers to their death garbage. On top of all of this, Naya’s body was found on the anniversary of Cory Monteith’s death. Eerie and really not a great day for the cast of Glee, pictured below at the lake.

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3. Entanglement.

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Now that I’ve thoroughly depressed you, let’s turn things around for the second half of the JUice with some good ole fashioned Hollywood trashy gossip. Remember way back when Gwyneth Paltrow called her divorce from Chris Martin a “conscious uncoupling” and everyone pointed and laughed at how RIDICULOUS and BOUGIE and HOLLYWOOD that was? Y’all are getting divorced. Ain’t no cutesy term for it. Well here we are again. Jada Pinkett Smith called banging someone who is not her husband an “entanglement.” Ok, girl. Whatever helps you sleep at night. I’m guessing Will never wants to hear that word again for the rest of his life. Here’s the lowdown on this wacky story that I’m sure no one even cared about until the Smiths decided to address it v. publicly. There was some chatter about Jada hooking up with this singer August Alsina. And instead of just ignoring it, these two clowns decided to lay out all of their relationship deets on an episode of Red Table Talk. They talk about how August was a family friend first (weird) and they were helping him with his health problems (not clear on what those health problems are) and then Will & Jada separated and did not think they would ever be getting back together. And that’s when August took Jada to Bangtown, USA. And now Will and Jada are still together so that’s AWKZ. Especially when you have to talk about it on your tv show. If you want to cringe your face off, watch the below clip. I had a frozen derp face for “entanglement” and almost covered my eyes for the “bad marriage for life” fist bump.

Obviously, that can’t go down without a little feedback. Here’s August’s jibberish on Twitter because he was getting unwanted attention and also Jada basically called him a liar saying Will didn’t give August permission to bang her, CAUSE BITCH DON’T NEED NO PERMISSION TO GET ENTANGLED.

And then shout out to 50 Cent for stirring the pot. Can you imagine separating with your wife, a mutual friend porking her, getting back together and then years later having to talk about it in front of everyone?! Cherry on top is 50 Cent reminding you that someone else blew your wife’s back out. WHAT A GUY.

4. Poop-Gate.

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In other dysfunctional Hollywood couple news, the trial of Amber Heard and Johnny Depp’s divorce is finally happening. To be completely honest I forgot about these two. She accused him of assault and then there was a lot of he said, she said, pointing fingers at who was actually the abusive one and it seemed like a real messy explosive relashe and then they kinda went away for a while. I guess now they’re in trial, I’m not entirely sure what it’s for, if I had to guess Amber wants a chunk of that Jack Sparrow change, but what really grabbed my attention is the stories that are being hurled back and forth. Now it’s ON. There’s stories from a former assistant that Amber used her personal rape story and claimed it happened between Amber and Johnny. There’s fake bruises and claims of fingers that were cut off. It’s literally a SHITSHOW and clearly neither of these two care that the deets of their domestic dispute of a marriage are hitting the tabs during trial. It’s just balls to the wall hate for each other. Photos were released of a little lunch time whiskey & coke for Johnny, rumors about Amber having threesomes with Cara Delevigne and Elon Musk, Johnny spelling out Amber’s name in urine, Amber punching Johnny in the face when he lost $650million.

I mean this is literally a soap opera. What ridiculous thing will come out next. OPE, then as if by celebrity magic…the story appeared. Amber pooped in their bed “as a prank” and that was Johnny’s last straw. Turds in the bed=automatic divorce. Apparently she tried to blame it on the dog when she saw how mad he was, but him and the maid both knew those were human-sized logs. I’m sorry but WHAT. I’m firmly on the team of finding poop and fart jokes funny because I have the maturity of a 12 year old boy, but this is very very much NOT funny. Let’s just say I would never let it rip in the bed I share with my husband then hide and wait for him to find it. This was an aggressive dumping and it was done out of despise, not all in good fun. I respect Johnny’s decision to cut Amber loose after this incident. There’s no turning back from Johnny telling her that he lost money from shady business his managers were doing, getting rocked in the face for it, and then finding a fresh number 2 in their bed the next morning. And God bless the maid who cleaned that up. The photo of the actual deuce has been released (because of course it has) and I’ll let you seek that one out on your own as I feel like The Salty Ju should be a poop-free zone–strictly photographically speaking, of course. It has yet to be revealed what exactly Amber’s defense is to the worst prank in the world, but you can assume I’ll keep my nose on the poop trail and report it with equal parts disgust and glee.

5. DWTS Shake-Up.

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Tom Bergeron and Erin Andrews, longtime hosts of Dancing with the Stars have gotten the boot to make way for miss TYRA Banks. Not only is this another VERY obvious and calculated move from ABC to say, “stop calling us racist” but also the fact that Tyra is so obnoxious she’ll do the job of two hosts. Sorry, Tommy boy.

Here’s hoping for a lot of smizing, WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU and KISS MY FAT ASS moments to come. Tyra is a freaking reality TV powerhouse and honestly it’s been far too long since she’s graced our screens with outrageous outbursts. It’s only a matter of time before we know she’s BACK.

rooting for you

 

BONUS:

Poppin this heater on here because a local musician, Micah Premnath, who I started following in college (saw him live once and bought his homemade CD after the show) is a songwriter and anytime he posts a song by pop artists that he helped write, I give it a listen. And it’s usually a killer song. Also I’m super proud of him anytime he has writing credits on a big song because that probably means big bucks.  So I’m just sharing the wealth here. Plus John Legend’s soothing angel voice, woooo baby. I love it.

Bonus Bonus:

I randomly made a TikTok this week to make fun of my stupid life and how I have written get a job in my monthly planner goals for SEVEN months now and it remains unchecked. Siiiiiiiick goals, brah. (And whatdya know, this one got thousands of views. My pain is the world’s entertainment. What can I say.)

 

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Music, Television

Grammy’s 2016 Recap

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I’m not really sure when it was exactly that the Grammy’s turned into one giant tribute but it was so aggressive that I actually questioned if it was the Eagles playing their own songs or someone covering the Eagles in honor of Glenn. (Clearly I don’t know my classic rock bands.) They even tossed in a Lionel Richie tribute while he WATCHED front row. Hey…Lionel’s alive! And able to come onstage…let’s cool it with the memorial for his music. Anyway, here are the highs and lows of last night’s 5 hour situation.

NO:

-LL Cool J is the host and I forgot that he hosts every year and it’s the worst moment of my life realizing I have to watch that Kangol speak and probably say “knock ‘em out L, KNOCK EM OUTTTTTT.” At one point he tells everyone to hit him up on Instagram. Ok, L.

-Everyone in Taylor’s squad RSVP’ed “maybe”? The only one who showed up was Selena. What a lame turnout. Related side note: they really cut back on audience cams of Taylor dancing. What gives, CBS? (Thanks for pointing out this super embarrassing handshake of hers though…)

-Legitimate question, do you think Selena cried every time Tay won because she knows she’ll never win a Grammy with her garbage can pop hits and skanky vids? (Or was she just trying to fill the BFF and boyfriend void because apparently no one could make it?) Just wondering.

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-Turns out I didn’t know any songs by Lionel Richie but seriously how nerve-wracking is that to perform his hits with him judging in the front row? Luke stuck out like a sore thumb trying his hand at easy listening (and NOT shaking his ass), and Lionel literally had to get up there and be like k, move aside dipshits, I got this.

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-Gwen Stefani got paid a bajillion doll hairs by Target to do a “live music video” commercial where she used a lot of body doubles and didn’t fall down rollerskating SO WHAT’S THE FUN IN THAT?

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-Hamilton the musical gets a sideshow performance from NYC. I hate to sound like an uncultured a-hole, but leave the musicals for the Tony’s. I’m not down with sneaking theater into the mix like I won’t even notice. I NOTICED.

-Gaga dresses like Bowie and lets spiders crawl over her face via green screen. YAY nightmares. (PS this is totes a performance dads would like, as in my dad, because he wouldn’t let me talk trash about Gaga during the SuperBowl and also he’s old and therefore liked David Bowie.)

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– A 12 year old plays the piano while Common and the old white guy who’s at every awards show bop along awkwardly. This could have been a metaphor for the entire evening.

-Biebz Part 2 with Skrillex & Diplo was roughsicles. I commend them for kicking things up a notch with a little percussion but pitch-wise it was terrible. Even worse? We didn’t get one reaction from Selena. I will personally hitch a camera on my shoulder and film the audience next year if that’s what it takes to create a little drama at the Grammys.

-Hey guys, Johnny Depp’s in a band now with Alice Cooper and they’re tearing it up old guy style with a lot of eyeliner. It was embarrassing and weird and I could’ve done without it. #WhenDadJokesTurnIntoDadBands

-Pitbull closes out the night with Sofia Vergara dancing as a boxed taxi and Robin Thicke trying REAL hard to make a comeback. Oh and Keith Richards played guitar. DALE?! (My next door neighbor’s 6th birthday party was car themed and everyone had to wear a box car and visor around his backyard all afternoon. What’s your excuse, Sofia?)

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YES:

-Taylor opened with “Out of the Woods” and the most entertaining part was when she strutted through the crowd (catwalk style, obviously) and no one knew what to do. Clap, guys. Applaud her jazz hand theatrics.

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Ladies & Gentlemen, please welcome to the 1989 Stage…THE GRAMMYS!

-My dad may have created “Bye Felicia” but I have diamonds!!!!

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-Carrie Underwood threw a curveball and let her vag hang out onstage for a steamy performance with Sam Hunt.

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-Ariana Grande introduced the Weeknd and apparently thought she was auditioning for a one-woman variety show on Nick. No one laughed, which in turn, made me laugh a lot.

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-Demi bringing down the house with a cover of Hello and the sexiest biz casj I ever did see.

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-Stevie Wonder’s sparkle shirt with camo jacket and NEON gym sneaks. I spent too much time while he sang with Pentatonix wondering if he was trolling us because no seeing person would purposefully dress themselves like that BUT THEN he bullied everyone for not being able to read Braille. WHAT A BUNCH OF IDIOTS WHO CAN SEE HAHA. YOU’RE ALL SUCKERS WHO HAVE EYES THAT FUNCTION. Keep doin you, Stevie.

-James Bay and Tori Kelly duet a mash up of “Hollow” and “Let it Go” and it’s buttery smooth. It would be kewl if I could hire them to sing me a lullaby every night before bed.

-Kendrick Lamar does a little ditty about black injustices complete with prison bars, shackles, & a large fire that scares all the white people in the crowd. It was probably the most entertaining thing of the night to see 0.0 white crowd reactions. (Especially so hot off the heels of everyone realizing that Beyonce is black.)

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-It sounded like the Biebz might have been slangin some voice lessons when he did “Love Yourself” acoustic in a jacket he borrowed from Sammi Sweetheart. Then he promptly smashed his guitar and it was an omen for the remainder of the performance. #BadBoyLife

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-1989 wins album of the year and Taylor takes a big giant dump on Kanye’s face.

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YEAH THAT’S RIGHT. BURN CITY: Population, KANYE.

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